VOLXXXI QN'T Want A Wheel? Just as £00(1 time now, as any, c to think of baying, to compare pri ces and merits. \\ e pin our best faith to the CLEV ELAND and the PHOENIX. A wheel should be Easy v F ur.r.ing, booking J Guaranteed. Ladies Phoenix- We tt\em i\ow ar|d will have ill tl\e Sprir^g. J. E. FORSYTH E. 11-■ - - TIIE GREAT QUESTION: Every fare at home, and ever* (jinnee into onr inviting window. FUtf wms tbe -What shall I get <.r tfive for Toe «n --awr t> fira* depend- upon tb« love and lib-nlity af your friends; tbe Muond apon *oar o«vo and ?fner*n mmt b!.-H«fi. R-. m-ni'x.T, that a little ififeo with I .ve in more tii»n inu<:h b-oviw you can . , , Our pl»ce i* ju*t now with iir of m -.(i nt I int. Ne<-: Binilx. rti'lf Comba. Ac., Linenw Fmcv Siu .1 ip (!re:»efi Hoi i Pillow Oovern Bii' , »-au 3.=> • -"k, -.d all S. k '■ •obo., n» all«ol.irf f r fcitcr work; bar. a.iu n Jii •■•'ke..« La"t« W '•«•= nu'i Saiioe Skirts. Wrapa end Miiliaery. 8p f.»rb'd-oar m-'He uv murou. articles in uneful a- well a* «>rn»m-i-"*l Xi:» »- Our i in atoie io filled wiftt them. If *ou want to Uuarsapa rilia Cures arc unparalleled in t;ie his tor} - of medicine, and they are .solid facta. Hood's P : 'l3 cure C«o3tlp2iion, I'idigcsUon. WstmasGames Many DI FF £F>ENT KI MDS J DRINK tiCN COF FEU " {AND GtT ALL THE.3X?- FINE. FARLOR GAML. ; If your d_a! r t-.'> ret * - for ealc. r-n /us avn • •" r --j iddrew, '-tuU. wo si»y :*• c>a Wocl»o. r Bciou Co.. Toledo. O. It is unnecessary to bore von with the advertisement of onr | lamest stock, best faci li ties, bi ggesi business,etc. You know we have that. The important an nouncement is, We will Positively save ; you Money OD your Fall Clothes. Onr stock tables are resplendent with the new est patterns. See them. ALAND, TAILOII. C. X, D. A bu: int:i>s thai kt; ps prow- through a sea on oi de pression, Mich as the country has experienced, ii an evi dence that pcojjli realize thev save money by trading with us. We Ifttcv-v, and always have known, t! , <: days of large profits are past. Without question we are giving more lor the money than !a*t year. Our s'ock is larger to led from than last year. TAI.L AND SI.E US. Colbert & Dale. 3REA T Ml r price $4.50 Suite hold bv others for oui price *b (K» Suit* (""Id by inhere ■••r $lO on . i.r price #-> 00. While Merino Undu ■*; u 50c or lib . Grey Merino Under *o«r 60c >;rmi tor :JDC. We will KHVI; YOU 2f> per cent O'T P KrudiMof elotli'njr Call niid examine om go"dn at. priced whe'ber you irifh to t buy or Mot, T1 RACKET Sfiiitt 120 h. MAIN ST SEASONABLE + BARGAINS! Our itr>-ui bargain Sale el I,'nile i*r ir l< r NuVroilit-r »tiil Di«C>-nil>ir i- <>IJO UT ilic nm.-t SllHHlin*.'l** It trgni'j S ever h<-ld ic Huilh. ItitHlitß All Wool VrMn Id, ('bildrnriN Ml'iiuo VKJ-IN 15 (Ihlldrnu.!- 7">c Coiulilimlion Miiiin ..00, Ghililri'iii* #l, All \VIM«I. Oiif]ili!!iuin>n rtuit*..... 75t l,ailie» I*!eic< - Line! Ml*. 'J.'•> b.<|i". 50 - Mo ino V •. i......... .... (indie. #1 AM I VV-IK bNH.e. $1 'J S All vwoi Vt -t. !Jj, bmlie. < I'liiiiiumioii Bui'. O, t., -m b'iJ Kij'i'hiriijn T'»ii)l. »i I' .r n> <•«*., FIRE MILLINERY OUR SPECIALTY. M. F. & M. MARKS. 113 lo 117 8. Muin Si.. - Puller 6r«at Oitcovtfy 11 " 7; A ir irnwthM Aivh'ar, :BO KI.IIU HI D WNIMTNI. puin. Oo» ifir. tndiiuiot'H #»<*! un'v on vHt* 'iewfiK'-d pnri" 'i!''' tly ruro No fe#* until riirwl Jin. T d \ \ I,oli. No. .TJO PitfHh'jifr • GOSStR'S • CRI AM OLYCI ' , lISI, HO ' '(liill .'' i t',i Ip 1. I)< ;• 11 .nr 0 I I-'-. ■' r,r til,' M 1.., I fwl m l'« iioi e»i» 1; 1:> ' i.i;; jm 11 ■ i.r *nyity~Hvv Cents a Bottle. Thecdore Swim. GENERAL HRI( K JOHIiKK. Chl"in*\H, (ir«o< hih) i » i!er •••! • g, C urn HIXI S*W>l Work a Bp«'<'i»li' v. HARMONY, PAj lUTTLKR, PA., THURSDAY. DECEMBER 13, 394. .APrivareßrown. T fIT )ACf< CRAWFORD. nj|j I{ \'-\v *- . , .< jji#/; ZUJ*VRAOH' ""• IHS4. BY THE AUTHOR . AU. RIGHTS RESEBV£O CHAPTER V Meeting's between Private Brown and Alice Sanford became of frequent occurrence. The young girl often rode along the on the trail which led along the precipitous bluff overlook ing the Rio Grande, and Brown more frequently than ever before sought the spot of their first meeting with his sketch book and pencils In joyous anticipation of an hour in company with the angel who had so unexpected ly come into his life. A warm feeling of friendship sprang up between the young people, a sort of brotherly and sisterly affection, and they seemed never so happy as when in each other s gocigtv. Hit by bit Alice had drawn from him many little details of his life not embodied in the story he had told her, and his manly character and bril liant intellect shone in her eyes with more luminous power as by deft ques tioning she gradually unfolded his past history. She lost sight of his rank, of the humble sphere in which he moved, and contemplated him only as a gentleman of lofty station bowing for the noucc beneath a passing cloud of adversity, and she looked upon it as a Christian duty and privilege to do all in her power to pluck the thorns from the path which circumstances com pelled him to tread. She felt that Mr. Thornton was her equal from a social point of view, and soon came to regard him as one entirely worthy of her #Pit fes: ■ ' "<* , y ' 1 llllllltl>'«ll , -P I W\~ P^; 1 IW WHAT A REMARKABLE RTORY. friendship and esteem. As Private Brown he was but an ordinary cog in the great machinery of war and mil itary duty. She seldom saw him on duty—in fact, she had but once noticed liiin in the ranks, and then at a review of the troops at the post, and his sol dierly attitude in the saddle as his troop moved along the parade ground called from her brain a thought which her lip 3 half whispered: "11c was born to command." find Alice's mother been living she would have been le;l by a sense of filial duty to go to her and tell her the his tory of her new friend, and the social equality on which she met him. Her maidenly instinct hinted to her that It might be wrong for her to conceal her relations with the young soldier from her father, yet in the knowledge of his severe ide - . of propriety .she feared If f.he were to make known to him the truth her intercourse with her friend would meet with an abrupt ending. The more she considered this phase of the matter th<- greater it troubled her, and in girlish confidence she one day went t-> Mr t. <'"] by. the matronly wife of the r-enior captain of the Sixth Cav alry, and n-lated to her the story of the unfortunate private soldier. "Why, Alice, child, what a remark able story!" the good lady xclaimci. "What a refreshing chord you have Btruolc und started to vibrating to nrou-.e the dreary stillness of garrison life. A gentleman, tin artist, a scholar, a philosopher, and goodness knows what else masquerading right under our eye* us a private soldier. And the heir to a fortune too! I'eally, you quite take my breath awny. Hove you U.!d the colonel of him?" "I have not spoken to papa of him since f learned his history. I told h1 in of our Urst meeting unro promptly than Col. Hanford in en deavoring to sever the bond of enlist ment that he might be restored to bis proper sphere of life." "But you forget, Mrs. Colby, that be paid he would not under any considera tion have his term of enlistment short ened one single day." "It could l>e done without consulting ills wishes in the matter. If it should bo brought to the notice of your father that the young man Is not only Indict ing upon himself really unmerited pun ishment for a mistake of his youth, but is l>y his action depriving the business world of « talent which would contrib- j uU> to its progrefc, lie would scoff at i the man's exaggerated idea t of penanco I and lose no time in restoring him to his j proper station. May I be frank with 1 you, my child, and tell you that In my j opinion Mr. lirown, or Mr. Thornton, is a very, very fooli&h young man. Hut, ' my dear girl, you don't know how your ! story hns interested ma I wonder If it can be true? And to think he is In i Capt. Colby's troop, too. May I tell the captain?" "Ho you think It would be right, Mrs. i Colby? Mr Thornton did not enjoin ; secrecy—in fact, he suld he hud noth ing to conceal from the world, yet were his story know* it might enforce upon him a notoriety which would be dis tasteful to him." "That is true, my dear, but really I (eel that h.A captain should know It. : The coiumaudiug otliccr of a company can do many things to lighten the du ties of otic of his men, you know. I think I will tell him under a pledge of secrecy. Even Urowu mut>t not know that his captain has heard of him." "Very well. You cau tell Capt. Col by end I will tell papa all I know of Mr. lirown." "What a delicious secret wc four will jwve to bytwiA-'n yurbclvya, and how doubly delicious if it prove true that Private Brown is really Mr. Edward Thornton and a gentleman in every way our equal in life. Uut a word of motherly caution, child. You must not permit your pirlish enthusi asm to arouse in your young heart a feeling- of aught but simple friendship and sympathy for Private Brown."' A slight blu;-h mantled the cheeks of the young girl at these parting words. After she had gone Mrs. Colby sank into a chair and carefully weighed every feature of the strange story, and was yet deeply engrossed in thought when the captain entered. "George," she said to him, "do you know anything of Private Brown of your troop?" "Urown? Yes. He has several times attracted my attention. He is a splendid young soldier, I believe, al ways unusually neat in personal ap pearance, and at times when he has been on duty as orderly at my quar ters I have noted his intelligent lan guage and gentlemanly bearing. He distinguished himself in a noticeable manner in several of our brushes with the Apaches last winter, and I have him listed for promotion when there is a vacancy. Why do 3-011 ask, my dear?" "I have a very remarkable story to tell you, George, if you will promise me that you will never divulge it with out my permission, not even to Brown himself." "Well, it must be a startlingly im portant secret. Will such a pledge in any manner conflict with my duty as an officer?" "Not in the least, my dear, or I would not exact it of you." "Then I promise. lam all attention." She told the story as Alice had re lated It to her. and the captain's eyes opened wide with astonishment. "Ily Jove, wife, I am inclined to be lieve the man has told the truth. I have never had occasion to give him extra notice further than I mentioned, yet in the light of this revelation I can recall many of his actions which go to corroborate what you have told me. I must keep my eyes on him in future." Alice went at once to her father and related to him the story Brown had told her. The old man at first evinced considerable interest in the recital, but at its conclusion said: "All nonsense,Sunshine,all bosh. You must not place any credence in the wild oock and bull stories the soldiers tell- Look after the sick men in the hospital, child, and let the well ones take care of themselves." "Did I do wrong, papa, in listening to him and showing my interest in liia work?" "My little Sunshine could not do wrong 1 . If this man has interested you with his skill with the pencil I am glad of it. Your life Is cast amid very sober surroundings, little one, and any thing that affords you pleasure and helps you to while away the dull hours has my full approval. If a big, honest eyed Newfoundland dog should come to you for recognition it would be no wrong for you to pat him on the shag gy head and call him pet names. If a private soldier interests you and pos sesses intelligence enough to treat you as becomes your station In the world above him, amuse yourself with him all you desire. Even listen to their fairy stories if you wish. Soldiers love to boast of what they might have been had they not been crowded into the army by some remarkable circum stances. Their romances are all bosh, Sunshine, all frothy bosh." CHAPTER VL Lieut. Vandever was industrious In acquiring a knowledge of horseman ship, for a call to field duty might l>e made at any moment in the then un settled state of the Indians. In his dai ly rides about the post and down the river he frequently met Miss Sanford and sometimes rode be side her. Her treatment of him was always polite, yet she maintained to ward him an air of modest reserve which warned liim that any resump tion of foppish gallantry would meet with lier disapproval. On several oc casions he had passed by when herself and Private Itrown were sitting to gether, bending over a sketch or quiet ly conversing, and It shocked him to see the daughter of the commander on terms of such seeming familiarity with a man in the ranks. In his estimation, the private soldiers were mere soulless machines, which moved only at the of ficial beck and call, but puppets In ex alted hands, and a lump of indignant resentment stuck In his throat at the thought that the maidencould grant to a vulvar private the 'Sociability she de nied him. On one of his dally rides he overtook her in the river bottom Just as she had reined In her pony to make the ascent of the steep hill leading to the fort, lie politely saluted her by raising his cap, and she acknowledged the saluta tion with a bow and pleasant smile. "It has been a licautiful afternoon for riding, Miss Sanford," he suid. "It has indeed, Mr. Vandever. I think the- New Mexico climate cannot be surpassed in loveliness in the whole world." "The climate Is all rijfht, but the society Is open to severe criticism," he replied. "The native people are but half civilized and the Americans are rough boors, and it docs strike me as Iwintf somewhat severe that the Indies and gentlemen of the army are com pelled to exist amid such uncongenial surrounding'.." "O, you are too hard on the people of the territory," she replied "I have a number of valued friends among the good people of San Marcial, the town just above the fort, both native and American, and I have always found them to be congenial, whole-souled. Courteous neighbors. You will modify your views of them when you come to know them. Even were we cast R *rny a thousand mile:, from civillzat'on, I am sure we could be a happy com munity. We are a little world in our selves. Mr. Vandever." "A rather insignificant world," he re plied. "You can almost enumerate its population on >our fingers. A dozen or so officers, and half as many ladies." "And several hundred soldiers," she added. "O, the soldiers cut no figure in our world, save as slaves to do our bidding. The riff raff of the land must not be mentioned in the same breutli with la- ■ dies aud gentlemen. I sometimes j think it debases a gentleman to be ] obliged to command such fellows." Her face flushpd with anger, aj>d ' turning her clear blue eyes full upon ! his face she replied in biting words: "Lieut. Vandever, clothes and rank ; do not make the man. Indeed, lu my own experience, I have known tho gaudy uniform of the ofllccr tocovcr fur less manly instincts and actions than I have noted beneath th« plain garb of the private soldier." They had reached tho summit of tho 1 hill, and touching tho rein ahc gal uuccp.mvpily away, tovimf Uim biting his iips in confusion. He rode to the stable and, dismount ing. threw the rein to an attendant and started to his quarters in a far from pleasant frame of mind. As he liastily turned a corner of the stables he ran into Private Brown, who was hastening thither on some errand. The shock threw the lieutenant to the ground, and instantly recognizing in the soldier the man in whose company he had often seen Alice Sanford, his rage was great. Springing to his feet he hoarsely shouted: "What do you mean, sir? How dare yon run against me in that manner?" Brown respectfully saluted him and replied: "I beg your pardon, sir. You turned the corner in such haste that you ran into me before I could get out of your way." "You lie, sir, when you say I ran into you. It was your damnable care lessness that caused the collision. I am not sure that you did not purpose ly run against me." Brown's blood boiled at the epithet applied to him, and the expression t»f anger on his face increased the officer's rage. "Lieutenant, your words are harsh ones even for a superior to use toward an inferior in rank. I am not a liar, sir, and my manhood revolts when such a term is applied to me when I am powerless to resent it." "Don't you dare talk back to me. you scoundrel! How dare you hint at re sentment to your superior officer, you menial cur?" Human endurance could stand no more. Brown's face paled with right eous rage, and, losing all control of his HUMAN ENDL'BA.ST'K COULD STAND NO MORE. temjK-r. he sent a well-directed blow into the lieutenants face, knocking him from his feet. CHAPTER VII. A number of the stable attendants who had witnessed the altercation ran to the spot and assisted the officer to rise. His none was bleeding profusely from the blow, and in obedience to his command a guard was summoned and Brown was marched away to the guard house. Seated on u btmk in a gloomy cell his anger cooled and he awoke to a real izing sense of what he had done. In civil life he would have been applauded for so promptly resenting au inten tional insult, but in the army it was different. Violence offered by a pri vate soldier to an officer Is a most serious offense, and one which under army rules demands severe punish ment. While it is true that the officer's conduct toward him was highly repre hensible and -such as would lay him liable to official investigation, that fact did not in the least mitigate his offense. Had ho quietly submitted to Vandever's abuse he would have lieen Justified in seeking redress in the proper official quarter and justice would have been done him, but he had allowed Ills anger to override his better judgment, and now he was in for It and must suffer the consequences. What would Alice think of him? Would she pass hasty judgment on his act before seeking the details'/ Would she not now regard him as a quarrel some bully, and deem him unworthy of her friendship? The thought troubled him, and as he paced back and forth In the forbidding gloom of the cell he was very miserable. His gratitude toward the girl for taking so kindly an interest in him had ripened into 11 lovo which seemed to consume him. Although no word indicative of his new feeling toward her had ever t-,nner. While he felt that In the eyes of anyone possessing a sense of justice his blow would seem justifiable, he admitted that he had been guilty of a serious infraction ot army law, and averred that he would humbly submit to any punishment a court-martial might inflict upon him. "I am sorry this occur Aid, Brown, very sorry. Your conduct ever since you joined my troop lias been most ex emplary, and 1 have hoped to soon li able to offer you promotion. 1 feat that this matter will go hard ivith you. Col. Sanford is a most severe disci plinarian, and an assault by a private soldier upon a commissioned oilicer will assume most grievous proportion# iu his eyes, lie will insist upon youi trial by court-martial, and his viewe on this question are so well known to the officers of the post that those who try you will, should you be convicted, feel that severe punishment must fol low. I eun only hope the palliating circumstances may bear due weight with both the commander and the members of the court." lie passed out v leaving' Hrown again alone with his bitter thoughts. Lieut. Vandever lust no time iu en deavoring to poison the minds of hi: brother officers against his assailant. il<- pictured him IIH U brawny bully <>] u pugnacious nature, and loutlly averred tliut a long terra of years in u military prison was tlic puuisiiuioxit lit richly deserved. His wurds bore little weight, however, for ttie young lieu tenant had become most thoroughly disliked l>y every olHccr in the garri son. While there was no outward dem onstration to establish the faet, there »'in pot ouv o{ them but Mxrutly ro 'sva #J smutty chastised for his unofflccrlike conduct. And what of Alice? That young lady acted in a most remarkable manner when the details of the affair reached her ears through Mrs. Colby. She did not turn pale and weep and wring' her hands in inconsolable anguish in the conventional way. Not she. A great smile of satisfaction spread over her pretty face, a glad look increased the usual brightness of her eyes, and she poured out the pent-up fervor of her soul in giving emphasis to the one word: "Good!" She thought not then of rank or sta tion nor of any punishment that her friend might be called upon to endure, but only saw a righteous blow struck at insolence and insult by the strong arm of manhood. It was not at all unusual forth- com manding officer's daughter to send 6ome of the surplus from her own table to soldiers who might be confined in tha guardhouse, and when the orderly from headquarters brought a platter ol eatables to the sergeant of the guard and said it was for Private Brown of T1 troop, it was passed in to the prisoner without a questioning word. With the belief that some sympathizing com rade had sent the viands from the troop j messroom he set it aside until he should feel hungry, and when he at last un covered the contents of the disli and noted that it contained pieces of pie and cake anu other delicacies not to be found in the culinary department of j BY THE DIM LIGHT HE READ THESE WORDS. the soldier quarters, a glad smile spread over his erstwhile troubled face, for he knew it must have come from Alice. Raising a slice of cake from the bottom of the dish he discovered that it had been concealing a folded piece of pa per, and eagerly seizing it he ran to the dim light of the grated window and read these words: "You would have been less a man In my eyes had you acted otherwise. I admire you for re senting an Insult from one lacking In manhood. • A. S." His heart throbbed with delight, and he pressed the precious missive to his lips again and again. Alice approved his action, and he did not now fear any punishment that might be for his of fense. His one overshadowing fear had vanished through the iron grates of his prison window as he read the blessed words traced by her beloved hand, and the sentinel at the door was astonished to hear him whistling a merry air. The proceedings of a court-martial arc always tedious, und the details in the case of Private Brown \yll not be here given. Every whit of available evi dence was produced both by theprosccu tion and defense, the lieutenant's words to Brown were testified to by the stable attaches who heard them, and the ac cused was permitted to malte a state ment of the affair. His inanly bearing and straight-forward testimony .coupled with his eloquent speech and gentle manly attitude throughout the trial, made a great impression on the judges, and won for him many an approving glance from the dignified officers WHO composed the court. Capt. Colby was summoned to testify to the previous character of the accused, and ho gr*w almost eloquent in his commendation of Brown's soldierly conduct since he joined the troop. The findings of the court-martial were duly made out, and sent to the •ominandcr of the post for his ap proval. Brown was found guilty of striking an officer, there was reference to aggravating circumstances, and his punishment was fixed ut thirty days' confinement in the post guard house. That love of justice, which was a marked characteristic of Col. San ford's nature, asserted itself while he had the finding's of the court under con sideration. ft is true that some out side influences had l>< en at work, but it must not l>e assumed that t hey could sway the stern old man in the enforce ment of his strict ideas of military dis cipline. <'apt. Colby had ta l, en the liberty to tell of the faithful service of the private soldier, and several officers of the post had freely aired their views of Brown's action in the colonel's presence, and Alice, after speaking of Vandever's attitude toward herself and of tho views she had heard him express regarding the men of tho ranks, so warmly approved the pun ishment that the lieutenant had re ceived that the commander gave the matter a great deal of thought. Ho had not by any means forgotten Van dever's treatment of old Scrgt. Bar rett, and when at last the findings of the court-martial were published, thoy bore this indorsement over the signa ture of the post commander: "The findings and sentence of tho special court-martial in the case of Private ltichard Brown, 15 troop. Sixth cavalry, charged with committing an assault on the person of Second Lieutenant Alfred Talbot Vandever, 11 troop, Sixth cavalry, are approved. In consideration of tho aggravating provocation which led to tho assault and of the blameless previous record as a soldier of said Private Richard Brown, twenty-nine days of the sen tence are hereby revoked, und after one day's confinement in the post guardhouso said Private Uichard Brown will be released and will report to the commander of his troop for duty." [TO 19IS CONTINUED.] Fullur* Impoaalbl*. Clerk —I really caunot read this let* j ter, sir; the writing is too bad. Kinployer (impatiently)— Nonsense! The writing is good enough; any ass could read it. llaud it to me.—N. Y. ! Advertiser. No l r un ID It. Mrs. Smith (who is reading a humor ous paper)- I don't see any fun in these , jokes about big bills for ladies' hats. Mr Smith—l don't either.—Tain many Times. Not Without Honor, Exr*|it— Penny royal— It's funny; 1 have neve* yet seen a woman who did uot rave j over Drivley's poetry Critic—You have uever met Drlvlcy's wife, then? Judge ill* l.urby D«J. Mrs. Tlptou— 1 thought you were go ing to the races this afternoon? Tipton —Yes, I was, confound it!— but 1 missed the train Mrs. Tiptou—A»i Wednesday was al ways your lucky day Puck Welcome- Kliler ISerry Did the uatives of cen tral Africa give you a warm reception? Returned Missionary- Yes. Indeed! They were so tickled U> see me that they wtuited ut eat me up.—N- Y*' VtaCA -1 fueatrtc&l New*. "Did you hoar about it?" "Ilcar what?" "That Paul Kauvar h&d taken 'A Night Off.' to see 'Miss Innocenco Abroad' living' in 'Coon llollovv' with 'Charlt»3*'s Aunt' a* chaperone. When he pot to 'The Crossroads of Life" he met the 'Prodigal Father' accompanied by a lot of 'Men and Women' hurrying to Bee "The Passing Show," headed by 'The Little Trooper' wearing the 'Vic toria Cross.' Then he bought 'A Rail road Ticket" for 'Shenandoah.' arid the last thing he saw of the city was 'The llarbor Lights.'"—Truth. Misunderstood the Text. "Now tell me what the trouble is," said a mother to her little girl whom she had just been obliged to take out of church because of a violent fit of weeping. "Ue called me," said the child be tween her sobs, "a simple, little cross eyed thing." The child was cross-eyed and the minister had just given out the hymn: "Simply to Thy cross 1 cling."—N. Y. Herald. Flaying on the Ruins. "These firemen must be a frivolous set," said Mr. Spillkins, who was read ing a paper. "Why so?" "I read in the paper that after a fire was under control, the firemen played all night on the ruins. Why didn't the} - go home and go to bed like sensi ble men, Instead of romping about like children?"— Tammany Times. A Sore Sign. Hotel Manager—l see you have given our best suite of rooms to a man named Jones. Are you sure he can pay the { price? Hotel Clerk—Yes, sir; he is immense . ly wealthy. Hotel Manager—How do you know? Hotel Clerk—Oh, he is very old and i very ugly and his wife is very young and very pretty.—Truth. WUI Ho Keep Thrm? Stern Father—l want you to drop the acquaintance of young Wildleigh altogether. Daughter—Why so, papa? Stern Father —I don't think he is a promising young man. Daughter—Oh, yes, he is, papa. He has promised me all sorts of thing's after we are married.—Brooklyn Life. For Callers. Upholsterer—Madam, this is a fine reception chair. Our latest design. Try it, please, Mrs. Society—Dear me! how uncom fortable it is! I couldn't sit in it for five minutes. Upholsterer—That's It, exactly, mad am. You see, it is intended for callers. —N. Y. Herald. Ills Latest. Mrs. Kultshow (in the book store) — You ought to have Homer's works, Mrs. Nurich. Every good library has Homer, you know. Mrs. Nurich (to the book clerk) — Young man, wrap up Homer's latest book and have it sent to my carriage.— Chicago Record. What lie Wanted. German (to druggist)—l owe de firm ten cents. Druggist—Very well; you can pay it to me. (Perplexity of German, who wants ten cents' worth of iodoform.) —N. Y. World. At the Front Door. He—Can I see Miss Smith? Servant (who knows him) —No, sir; she's out. He —Out where? Out with some other fellow? Servant —No, sir; she's out with you, sir. That's what she told me, sir.—ln dianapolis Journal. How Hope Came. Ho called on her Her first words made Sweet hope Into his bosom creot>. She turned to blm and softly said: "My little brother Is asleep " -Julia HTILI. IN FOSSK-9ION. Jess—How do you argue that men are naturally better than women? Jack—No man ever had seven devili cast out of him. Jess —No-o; they've got 'em yet.— Truth. A Wis* Child. Little Roy—Got the earache? Little Girl—No. "Then win you got all that cotton in your ears?" "I've been hclpiu' tend the baby."— Good News. Kdiiiii F.nough Now. Philanthropist—Why did you change the title of "The Ladles' Homo"' to "Old Ladies' Home?" Mrs. I»u Goode—lt was becoming too crowded. N Y Weekly. 110 ( on Alone. "Have you seen any change in Wa ters since he signed the pledge?" "Oh, yes; he has quit inviting uie to go fishing with him." —Life. Not tlio Fashionable Kind. Tb© old mail looked ut his trembling hands With a melancholy millc •*l'in clearly behtud the time*." said he. "My bandshsUe Isn't the style " —Chicago Tribune Of Course. Freddie—Mamma. me face is dirty. Please w .sh it Mamma Freddie, where in the world did you learn to say "me face," I like a little street Arab? Why dou't , you say "my face is dirty?" Freddie - ISccause your face isn't J dirty —Judge A Trrrlbls Iteveiige. First Rad Roy—Mrs. Stuckupp toW my mother that It was me broke her windows while she was in Europe. Rut I'll get even with her Secoud Rati Ifoy—How? First Had Roy—When the baggage expressman arrives with Mrs. StucU upp's truuks, I'll scratch the steamer labels off. - Good News. Japanese I'olltenesa. Lady- The feet of the ladies of your country are compressed, I believe. Japanese Attache —Oh, no, madam; I that Is a Chinese custom. We in Japan ' 1 low our ladies' feet to grow to their j full size (politely)—not that they can ever hope to rival yours, madam.—l Truth. Trouble In tb« Museum. "You'd better go and look after those freaks." said the assistant iu the dime museum. "What's the inatter'.'" inquired the manager "The cross-eyed giaut is courting the girl, and she's getting jetkli «0B '■* 1 :NTo 49 Poor Tommy. Fell—Why doesn't Tommy get mar ried? Nell (contemptuously)— Can't afford It. "Well, he and bis wife could live on 'bread and cheese and kisses," couldn't they?** "Yes, they might: but Tommy hasn't been able to find anj* girl who could provide the necessary bread and cheese, as yet."—Somcrville Journal. A Triumph. "Ladies and gentlemen." said the professional hypnotist, as he introduced Wayside Rhodes to the assemblage, "I will now give yon a remarkable illus tration of hypnotic power 1 will lend the subject here before you 53." "That's no trick." said a voice. "And. men." said the professor in the firm tones of assured triumph. "J will make him return the S3 to me." —Chi- cago Record. The I ly In the Ointment. Mrs. Dooley (whose husband is out of work) —Sure it's the continted woman you should be. Mrs. Mooney, wld yer husband wid a life job as night watch man at the warehouse. Mrs. Mooney (excitedly)—Continted, Is it? An' that warehouse full of open hatchways! An' him walks in his sleepl —Puck. Constancy. Three month* nso we kissed and said We'd love throush life's whole spa#; Three days ago she married Ted. And I was their best man. —N. V. Herald. JUOOEST ENCOtJRAtiKMENT. M iss ' Serel Why don t you get married, Mr. Slitnpy? Mr. Slimpy—l have no luck with the ladies. Miss Sereleaf—Rut you need not de spair; just try your luck with me. Willing to Gtre Information. Customer —I'm p. stranger in your village. Can you tell me where I shall be likely to find the "Autocrat of the Rreakfast Table?" Clerk (in country drug store)—Why— why, 1 don't think they keep it here, but they've got some first-rate mackerel at the store over there acrost the road. —Chicago Tribune. Only Inference Possible. Mrs Toplofty—l lis my opinion that De Snoodle and his wife are quite mid dle class, if not really— aw—vulgah. Toplofty—What makes you think so? Mrs. Toplofty—Well. I heard both of them declare in the most barefaced manner that they loved each other.— Town Topics. In the Naturw of a IJreak- Ile (pleadingly) —Why can't we be married right away? She (coyly)—Oh! 1 can't bear to leave father just yet. lie (earnestly)— Rut, my darling, he has had you such a long, long time. She(freasingly) SIR! ! ! —llrooklyn Life. 110-Enforcenirnts Wanted. Little Girl Oh, mamma! Come quick! Mamma Mercy! What's the mat ter? Little Girl—There's a mouse In the kitchen, and the poor cat is there aU alone. —Good News. Now He'll Ilroque. When he first taw his wife's little toque, He treated it much as a Jooue; Hut hla mirth It was stayed When the bill he had paid By putting his homestead In soque. —Detroit Tribune. A Mistake. Hazel—l see the ofllcer on your block was struck by lightning last night. Nutte—There is something wrong about that. Hazel—Why? Nutte —Our cook doesn't show any o1 the marks. —Life. In No Danger. Mistress—l think you handle those fine china dishes very carelessly. Domestic—Don't worry, mum. They are so light that they wouldn't hur( even if 1 dropped 'cm on my toes, mum. —N. Y. Weekly. The Secret of Her Success. "Mrs. Hlithc seems to be very popular with the gentlemen. They all Beem anxious to have a word with her. Is she a brilliant conversationalist?" "No, she is not a brilliant conversa tionalist; but she makes every man think he is." —Judge. The Same Thins. Castlcton —I dou't think Miss Red bud uses very elegant expressions. To night, she said, for instance, that I made her tired. Miss Summit —No. She might just as well have said you made her weary. — Brooklyn Life. Inexperienced. Mr Scrimp—My dear, I don't see how you had this counterfeit bill passed on you! Mrs. Scrimp—Well, you don't let mc sec enough real money to enable mc tc tell the difference.—Harper's Razor. From » New Jersey !'»p»-r. "The rabid aulmal was shot and killed by Mr. , but not until he had bitten his master and several othe* dogs."—Judge Too Bud! Every morning, every nlpht. Rhymes and rhymes tho p >ets write, bad. Indeed, that rhytnc should be All divorced from poetry —Atlanta Constitution. Nona or Ills linslness. Miss Irene - Tho odious creature! Sbo turned and looked at mo after wo bad passed each other Cousin Jack — How do you know she did?— Chicago Tribune. At the M»squer»ll Is that Mr. Jinvlcr In teresting? lUu* LiU«'siiU>—No; be felt» on tb* for Oti vi «O*S tiUtlr-Ltffc )