VOL XXXI
THE PHOENIX.
Do you know why the PHOENIX bicycle is the most
popular wheel in Pittsburg? Do you know why it won
the Butler-Pittsbugh race, and the Wheeling-Pittsburg?
Simply because bearing, chain, tire, frame—all the
parts —are made of the best material. Because we
build the lightest,easiest running wheel that is sitfe and
reliable for the roads.
We also make a specialty of an easy running and light
lady's wheel, which is equally popular.
A guarantee is a good thing in its
way. The PHOENIX guarantee cov
ers every point, but the best point of all
is the fact that repairs or claims for de
fective parts constitute an exceedingly
small per centage of our cost of manu
facture.
For catalogue and other information
address,
THE STOVER BICYCLE Mf g. Co.
FRSEPORT, ILUor
J. E. FORSYTHE, Agent.
ALL FOR FUN
Some people go one place and some
another for a month during the summer.
They lose their time and expense and its
none of our business, but we have decided
to stay at home and spend the time talk
ing to our customers and giving them bar
gains just for fun, to see how it goes. We
are willing to spend our time for nothing
only for July—not a day longer. That's
all the time we can afford to spend for
nothing. Some things we will sell below
o O
cost:
Rawhide Whips 30c. Whalebone Whips 30c. Leather Fly-nets sl.
4 boxes Axle Grease 25c, Bindei Whips, 10 feet, 50c.
And Buggies, Wagons, Harness and everything belonging to a team
or driving outfit in proportion. No difference what you want
about a horse or team, come here. We pay 110 rent and expect to
be here all our life. The guessing on the horse is still going on.
Try your luck—it costs nothing to try. Everybody over 16 years
old allowed a guess. Women and men both guess. Over 1 100
guesses already. Counted July 20 at noon.
S. B. Martincourt & Co.,
128 East Jefferson Street,
BUTLER, - PA.
S. B. MARTINCOURT, J. M. LIEGHNER.
W. F. HARTZELL. L. M. COCHRAN.
BUTLER ROOFING COMPANY,
Wholesale and Retail Dealers in
—Excelsior Fire-Proof Slate Paint—
For Shingle Roofs,and Ebonite Varnish for all Metal Roofs. Also,
Agents for the Climax Wool and Asbestos Felt, the King
of Roofing Felts.
All kinds or roofs repaired and painted on the shortest notice.
Estimates given on old or new work and the same promptly attended
to.
ALL WORK GUARANTEED.
BUTLER ROOFING COMPANY,
320 SOUTH MCKEAN STREET, * * * BUTLER, PA.
C. R. ELLIOTT,
*
130 W. Jefferson Street,
LEADING WALL PAPER HOUSE
Will occupy this space next week.
THE BUTLER CITIZEN.
Only a Scar Remains
Bcrofula Cured —Blood Purified by
- » Hood's Sarsaparilla.
" C. I. Hood & Co., Lowell. Mass.:
" It Is with pleasure that I send a testimonial
concerning what Hood's Sarsaparilla has done
for my daughter. It Is a wonderful medicine
and I cannot recommend it too highly. Sarah,
who is fourtien years old, has been
Afflicted With Scrofula
ever since she was one year old. For five years
she has had a running sore on one side of her
face. We tried every remedy recommended, Nut
soil ing did her any good until we commenced
•Isir.c flood's Sarsui' irilln. Mv married daughter
advised me to use flood's Sarsaparilla because
Hood's 3 '"* 1 " Cures
It bad cured her of dyspepsia. Sho had been
troubled with that complaint since childhood,
and since her cure she lias never been without a
bottle of Hood's Sarsaparilla in the house. Wo
commenced giving it to Sarah about one year
ago, and it lias conquered the running sore,
Only a Scar Remaining
*s a trace of the dreadful disease. Previous to
taking the medicine her eyesight was affected
but now she can see Perfectly. In connection
with Hood's Sarsaparilla we have used Hood's
Vegetable Pills, and find them the best." MBS.
MAKIA GRIFFIN*, Xenia, Illinois.
Hood's Pills cure nausea, sick headache, !
indigestion, biliousness. Sold by all druggists.
A Scientist claims the
Root of Diseases to be
in the Clothes we Wear.
The best Spring
remedv for the chines,
etc., is to discard
your uncomfortable
old duds which irri
tate the body:-leave
vour measure at
ALAND'S for a
new suit which will
fit well, improve the
appearance by re
lieving you instant-
O .
lv of that tired feel
ing, and making you
cheerful and active.
The cost of this
sure cure is very
moderate
TRY IT.
C. I).
A business that keeps grow
ing through a season ot de
pression, such as tiie country
has experienced, is an evi
dence that people realize thej
save money by trading with
us. We know, and always
have known, the days of large
profits are past. Without
question we are giving more
for the money than last year.
Our stock is larger to select
from than last year.
CALL AND SEE US.
Colbert & Dale.
Peremptions
Jg| A Specialty.
At Redick's Drug Store. #•
We do uot handle anything bu
pure drugs, next time you are i'
need of medicine pli-Hfe tiive us s
call. W<» are headquarter* for pur.
SODA WATER
as we use only pure fruit juices, »•
also handle Paris Green, hellehi r
insect powder, London purple and
other inn cticides.
Respectfully,
J. C. REDIfK,
Main ftt.,next toHotel Lowry
BUTLEK, PA.
JOHN KEMPER,
Manufacturer of
Harness, Collars,
and Strap Work,
and Fly Nets,
and Dealer in
Whips, Dusters, Trunks and
Valises.
My Goods are all new and strict
first-c ul work guaran
teed
Repairing a Specialty.
:o: :o:
Opposite Campbell & Templeton's
Furniture Store.
342 S. Main St., - Butler, Pa.
ONLY A MEMORY.
Wss It a drcatr? 1 saw once more my boy
bcod's dear oil home.
The rose embowero i cot where I was bora,
The woodland piths therein my lithesome feet
would often roam.
As happy as the birds that sins »t mora
I saw the beading orchards and the meadows
kissed with dew,
Th? skies that ne'er with clouds were over
cast.
But oh, the bii-sful p cture soon had faded
from tny view—
Twas only a sweet memory of the past
Affair. I saw tbo grindstone that I often haa to
turn
Until I sally longed to run away,
And, too, the cellar, where I had to churn and
churn and churn.
And sprout potatoes every rainy day
There wero the fields wherein I used to hoe the
beans and corn.
Where crops were slow and weeds grew very
fast,
And where I often sighed and wished I never
had been born—
'Twas only a sweet memory of the past.
The neighbor's watermelon patch from which I
used to steal
The biggest melon IJiad strength to pac'«:
The church where every Sunday with a stone
bruise on my heel
I'd have to limp to services and back.
Tha peach tree where my sire oftentimes
would cut a switch
And lay It on my jacket thick and fast.
Or else he'd take his slipper and he'd give It to
me rich—
Twas only a sweet memory of the past.
I jet sad-eyed, sorry poets rant about the
charm of youth,
I'm glad that with Its trials I am through:
They have forgotten all about Us thorny side,
in truth.
'TIs distance lends enchantment to the view
Away with childish pictures, give me deeper
joy or woe;
With foolish dreamers I would not be
classed;
The youthful vision fades aha' it tickles me
to know
'T was only a sweet memory of the past
—Nixon Waterman, in Chicago Journal.
- id
' ;> OACK EXtSLISU
j t [I was ticket
Wi" ) uee n u b a
\{CJJ gagemaster
and telegraph
operator at the
little station
—— called Ranch
man's Center. It was a new station, far
out on the prairie, fully half a mile
from the nearest human habitation,
but, being situated ia the midst of a
wide belt of excellent grazing country,
it was regarded as a good shipping
point. It already did more business in
that line than many places on the
boasting of several hundred inhabit
ants. There were two freight trains a
day each way, the through and local,
the latter of which carried passengers,
having a coacli attached to the rear for
that purpose. Then there were the two
accommodations going in opposite di
rections and the daily express and mail
east and west, which passed through
the lonely place between the hours of
ten and twelve at night
Ilence Jack had all the after part of the
night at his own disposal and as soon as
the last train—the cast-bound express
—passed he locked up the station and
crossed the prairie to the little cottage,
half a mile away, where his mother and
sister Lizzie kept a pleasant home for
him. They had their cow, their gar
den and their "truck patch" to look
after, and the product of these, in addi
tion to the twelve dollars a mouth pen
sion, which the mother, a soldier's
widow, received, enabled them to live
quite comfortably.
Lizzie was u bright, active girl of
fourteen, always busy with her work
or book, but with all her intelligence
and industry she was an inveterate
coward. She was afraid of everything,
and often made herself miserable by
imagining danger when none existed.
But she was ambitious, nevertheless,
and wanted to learn everything Jack
undertook.
Hence when he took charge of the
little office down at the crossing she
announced her determination of study
ing telegraphy. Jajk assured her the
art was as full of electricity as a thun
derstorm, of which she stood in mortal
dread, but shf persevered in her effort
notwithstanding, and in a few weeks
could manipulate the instrument so as
to receive and send messages as cor
rectly if not quite as speedily as her
teacher.
Pleased with her progress, the broth
er secured two second-hatd instruments
and a coil of wire and put up a line
from the house to the station, so that
she might have practice without having
to walk to the office during the cold
weather.
Under Jack's directions the cowboys
put it up, and though it was not
stretched so well as it might have
been and the poles were only fence
posts spliced together, it worked as
perfectly as the main line. Fearing
that the officious lineman might object
to the instrument on his end of the line
being in the office, Jack set it up on
one side of the big, empty freight
room, and here, when the weather was
not too cold, he spent many a lonely
half hour in conversing in telegraphic
language with the little sister at
home.
One night about the middle of Febru
ary there was a terrific thunder and
windstorm, with a blinding fall of rain
and hail, a very unusual thing at that
season of the year. It came up sudden
ly about eleven o'clock, after the west
bound train had passed and an hour be
fore the eastern one was due. Jack
had been lying dozing on the cot in
his office, but at the sound of the
thunder he got up to look out
The ram was beginning to faillhen,
and the wind shook the light frame
building in such a fierce way as to
cause him to shifer. While he stood
by the window, matching the threaten
ing clouds, a vivid flash of lightning re
vealed for an instant a troop of horse
men galloping across the prairie in the
direction of the station.
Thinking they were belated cowboys
caught in the unexpected storm, he
paid no further attention to them, but
after another look at the approaching
cloud went back to the stove, where a
bright fire was burning, and as it was
still an hour till train time he took up
a book, turned the night-lamp higher,
and lazily stretched himself on the cot
to read.
He had read only a few pages when
above the roar of the thunder and the
beating of the rain and hail against the
window he heard the clatter of horses'
feet. A moment later heavy footsteps
on the platform outside reached his
ear, and, before ho had time to con
jecture what the unusual disturbance
at that hour of the night meant, there
came a loud knocking at the outer door.
Thinking they were people from a
distance to wait for the train, ho in
quired, more from habit than suspicioni
"Who is there?"
"Passengers to take the midnight
train," was the quick response. "We're
»vet to the skin and half-frozen. Let
us in without delay," and the impatient
moving of feet outside confirmed the
statement.
Without a moment's hesitation Jack
drew back the heavy bolt and threw
the door open, when in crowded half a
dozen rough-looking men muffled to
the ears in furs and woolen comforters.
Not liking their appearance, tha
young telegrapher was about to re
enter his office so as to put a lock be-
I'LKH. PA.. FRIDAY. JULY '.20.
tween himself and them, but belore he
had succeeded In carrying out the
thought suggested he was seized
by one of the stalwarts and hurled un
ceremoniously to the floor. Then while
two of the number held him down the
others busied themselves in binding hia
hands and feet.
Thinking they had come for the pur
pose of tapping the safe. Jack felt re
lieved that there was only one dollar
and a few cents there Sometimes he
had considerable money ia charge, and
only that day he had delivered a pack
age of gold to a ranchman, but now—
he wondered how the robbers would
feel when they learned how much
they had risked fur one dollar and six
cents. He supposed, of course, that
they would go through his pockets in
search of the key of the safe, but tliey
didn't; instead, they carried him into
the freight room and laid liim down
against the side of the building. v.*th
the injunction to "keep mum. if he
valued his ba >a."
For awhile after they had disposed of
him ail was still in the waiting-room;
tiien he heard them moving about cau
tiously, he thought.
Notwithstanding the predicament he
was i:i himself he .-..uileJ grimly at
thoughts of their ch.igrio when the
contents of the safe should be revealed
to them. "Why, it won't pay for the
powder it will take to blow it open,"
he muttered, under his breath.
His soliloquy was interrupted by one
of the men opening the door and in
quiring: "Say, youngster, is there
anything we've got to do to that train
to get it to stop?"
"Hang the red lantern out, of course,
you niuny," rep'iioi one of his
companions. "I've around rail
roads enough i'i my time to had out a
thing or two." Then, pushing past
the first speaker, he held the light
above his hea . and demanded of Jack:
"Is the train 011 lime, sonny?"
"It was at ten o'clock," answered
Jack, and then, with a wild hope in his
heart, he added: "Let me loose and I'll
find out"
"Not much, my liardy," responded
the rough, in a gritting voice. "Let
you at that infernal instrument and
you'll send the train through like
lightning and so cheat us out of that
pile of gold we're a ter. No, sir; we're
not the green gamins you take us for,
that's sure."
Jack shuddered a « he door closed
behind the bold spea .er.
He understood now why they had
not asked him for the key of the safe.
It Was not the paltry sum that might
be found in a little country depot they
were after. They intended to rob the
train, and since the rogue had made
known his business it occurred to him
SIM
"SAV, YOUNGSTER, IS THERE ANYTHING
WE'VE GOT TO DO ?"
that he had seen in the morning paper
that a large amount of gold had been
shipped from California to Washington
and that it would passover that branch
of the road in its route thither.
Their scheme was self-evident, and
set Jack to thinking more deeply than
he had ever done in his life. lie tried
to loosen his hands, but in the dark
ness he could accomplish nothing.
Just at that instant an opportune flash
of lightning revealed to him the blessed
fact that in their haste his would
be-captors had failed to draw the knot
on the cord with which his hands were
bound as tight as they doubtless in
tended. In an instant the slack end of
the loop was between his teeth and a
few vigorous jerks soon set him free.
It required but a moment more to
whip out his knife and cut the cord
that bound his feet
The next move was to take off his
shoes so as to make no noise in moving
around. Still, with his freedom re
gained he was unable to accomplish
anything, for the outside door was
locked and the key was on a ring with
other keys hanging on a nail in the
office.
He began feeling about to find out if
there would be any chance of raising
the window, when he almost stumbled
over the small table where his little
old-fashioned instrument sat He tried
the circuit and finding it complete de
termined, in spite of Lizzie's known
cowardice, to ask her help.
She was a sound sleeper, but his one
hope was that she might have been
waked by the storm and so be made
available as an assistant. His con
jecture was correct and almost imme
diately the circuit was opened and the
response came.
Then as rapidly as p ssible he made
known the situation at the station and
asked if she would go down to the
cut, a quarter of a mile distant, and sig
nal the train. The reply was in the
affirmative, and there was no indecision
in it either.
Then he flashed back:
"Put piece of thin, red flannel
around the lantern, go down to the
deep cut and swing your red light
across the track a? soon as the train
rounds the curve. Iveep it up until you
are sure it has been seen, and when the
train stops go to the conductor with
the news I have told yon. Be as quick
as possible, for it is almost traintime,
and if you are too late there will be
bloodshed."
"All right," returned Lizzie. "I'll be
off inside of three minutes," and, cow
ard though she was, she kept her
promise. It was very dark, still rain
ing hard when she slipped quietly out
of the back door of the cottage, not
wishing to disturb her mother, who
was just recover.npf from an attack of
fever. It was stiil thundering in the
distance, and every flash of lipntning
made her shriek and cower as if
wounded by the glaring sheet of fire.
But in spite of her terror she did not
slacken her speed, and reached the deep
cut justas the lieadliglitof the approach
ing train began to glimmer around the
curve beyond.
Faithfully she delivered the messatre
committed to her and then fell fainting
at the conductor's feet Aa soon as she
revived a little he guve her into the
care of some of the lady passengers,
and a few minutes later the train was
again in motion, ready for the antici
pated attack.
As soon as Jack was sure that Lizzie
would carry out his instructions he
wrapped the cord loosely round his
hands and feet a-,'ain. and lay down in •
his old position, not wishing to excite
suspicion in the breasts of the robbers I
should they take it into their heads to !
pay him another visit before the arrival |
of the train. He knew it must be almost [
midnight and the movements of the !
rogues outside convinced hitn that they
were preparing for the work they had I
come to do.
Through the window he could see j
that the red lantern had been swung
into position, and after a little he heard
them pacing restlessly up and down
the platform as though growing impa
tl..t rrn.. •• ""
I:-' Wi
.Mil!ft ' ; A
• fSf- *' •'.-. ■:s
/ ' , ; ;>v7 U J
- ■. a sp£
SHE UItACIU.D TUE DEEP Ct'T.
ucui. xue cioctc in me omce bad struck
twelve at least twenty minutes before
a faraway whistle announced the ap
proach of the tartly train. Immediate
ly there was a cessation of the monoto
nous tread outside, and a few moments
later, with a rumble and roar and hiss
ingl of the air brakes, the train drew up
to the station. The next moment
the command of "(lands up!"
was followed by the report of
several revolvers fired simultaneously,
and Jack, throwing aside his cords,
rushed out just in time to see his half
dozen midnight visitors marched into
the baggage car at the point of a dozen
revolvers leveled at their heads. In
the midst of the babel of voices that
followed. Jack found out that Lizzie
had succeeded in stopping the train
and that with the aid of volunteer pas
sengers the tra'n crew had no diffi
ctiliy in capturing the robbers, who
were not prepared for the volley of
balls which had greeted them as they
attempted to board the train. Two of
them were wounded, and the other
four, seeing that it was no use to re
sist, had quietly surrendered.
Brave Lizzie was given into the care
of her brother, and in spite of her pro
test a purse of fifty dollars, raised by
the grateful passengers, was thrust
upon her. After the train had started,
■lack locked the station securely and as
the two walked home together they
agreed to say nothing about their ex
perience to their mother until she was
well and strong again. Consequently
the first intimation she had of the dan
ger they hail braved came a week later
in the form of u. check for two hundred
dollars from the railroad company —
payable to Jack and Lizzie Taylor—for
the use of their private line in captur
ing the robber...—Chicago News.
A Xiw \er*i.;n.
An illustration of how children seiz->
the sound t.f words occurred when a
seven-year-old girl was asked to tell
about her Sunday school lesson last
Sabbath. She replied: "It was in the
Psalms, where it said something about
running his cup over, and at the end
said: Goodness, gracious, mercy sakes
alive.'" This is certainly a new ver
sion of the twenty-third Psalm. —Omaha
Bee.
Helen "Yes, I overheard Tom tell
ing Charlie that you danced like au
angel." "Do you tliin'i he was in
earnest?" "Yes, for he said there was
nothing tlial would tempt him to dan""
witli yo i aghiu."—lnter Ocean.
DIVIDING THE WORK.
"Jiin, I'll tell you how you'll have to
fix it. Tackle de ole woman fust, see?
'cause she's got de plunks in dat bafl'
wot she's carrytn'. Don't mind de dog
at all; he's a bulldog, an' he'll just take
a hold in one place an' den hang on;
he won't chew.you like an or'nary dog."
"Well, where do yon come in?"
"Oh, I'll git de plunks while you'se
amoosin' de dog."—Life.
A Dread Truth.
There is no adage of them all,
Anxious mothers know 10 well
As that whenever strangers call
"It's the little thtngs that tell."
—Brooklyn Lite.
It la a Way of Men.
A man loved a woman, but she
laughed at him. Then, through grief,
he became ill, and was like to die, in
very despair of her love. Whereat
pity touched her heart, and pity grew
to love. When he came to know this,
having now the love he had so
yearned to possess, he rejoiced greatly,
and arose from his bed. And straight
way he began to love another woman.
—Berry Benson, in Century.
Ilcauty Transferred.
lie—J think that often people, from
being a great deal together, come to
resemble each other. Don't you be
lieve that beauty is sometimes trans
ferred, as it were, in that way?
She —Well, I don't know. But after
you and Miss Mayeup took that stroll
in the garden last night some of her
rouge was on your cheeks.—Boston
Traveller.
The One Thing: Needful.
Matilda Snowball—ls you in earnest,
Mistah Jolinsing. wid yore materinoni
al prepersishon?
Sam Johnsing—l am, indeed, Miss
Snowball. I has got er shanty an'
chickens an' two mewels an' er pig,
an' all I needs is er wife ter make me
puffec'ly happy.—Alex Sweet, in Texas
Siftings.
Got There Anyhow.
"The old man run fer sheriff, didn't
he?"
"Yes."
"And they beat him?"
"Yes; but he's still ahead."
"How's that?"
"Feller shot the sheriff an' the old
man's coroner!" —Atlanta Constitution.
Etiquette * tFema 11 as.
Husband (alarmed) Emily, there ;
seems to be smoke coming up through
the floor. Run and tell the lady on the
flat below. Something's afire in her
part of this building. Quick, quick!
Wife (coldly and stately)— Cyrus, I'll
never do it in the world. We've lived
three months in this flat and she has
never called on me.—Tid-Bits.
PahrfMag.
Teacher Pulverized sugar is so
called because it is powdered. Do you
understand?
Little Girl—Yes'in.
Teacher—Now construct a senteuce
with the word "pulverize" in it.
Little Girl—You pulverize >ur face!
—Good News.
Necettaary Pantoralme.
Bridget—D'ye moind th' way thim I
Oytalians motions wid their hands an'
arrums an' heads an' bodies whin they |
talks?
Patrick Begorra, how ilse could !
they undirshtand phat aieh other do j
be chatterin' about?—N. Y. Weekly.
\ Matrimonial Prize.
Old Friend—Your little wife is very j
highly educated, isn't she?
Happy Husband—Bless you, no. She
doesn't know enough to la>t her over J
Sunday. Why, she even enjoys the '■
meetings of the Ladies' Literary club. I
-V V
A Kluhtrix
Mr Jack-on il ih> ni. •!«*! I thought
f met you a >'tit half a:i 1.-mr ai'n ;'•>■
ing toward the tnillpoml for a day 's
fishing.
Uncle—Dat was me. ya.v.ir.
Mr. J.—Why are you returning so
soon?
Uncle—l done lit up wid a za*ter,
sah. Yo' : I v.-ar gwin-* long mighty
ear'less wid tin r mouf full of wums,
an' Sam Osier done e >i:i erlong au'
gimme a su l.lint slain on de l«ack an'
knock dein wmcs down mer soppgus.
Now I gutter go ter t'.e pottecary man
an' see if lie kyan gib trie sumpin'ner
ter ahstrap dat bait. IV bleedged ter
hab dat bait to do any fishin', ->ar." —
Yonkers Gazette.
IV m'ltlnltlrft.
Mrs. (ladders—l have so much trouble
keeping a cook. I can't get one that
will stay more than a week.
Mrs. Sauers (loftily)—My family is
just the tame size as yours, and I have
no trouble.
Mrs. Gadders—Yes; I've heard that
your cook hud an cn-y thing of it. She
told mv chambermaid that she had
hardly anything to do except when
company came. Puck.
WHAT DOKS lIE MEANT
N'j
Miss Oldfrfirl —You must promise not
| to kiss me while I am unconscious.
Dentist—l shall do nothing of the
i kind.
Miss Oldgirl (with a happy sigh)—
: Turn on the gas.—Judge.
No I.utichlns \fTilr Thin.
We may smile at ladles smoking.
But we'i" think it's frono too far
When the gentle damsels touch us
P'ur a liftv-cent cigar
-N. Y. Herald
Knew Hon It Will [lliuself.
Col. Yerger does not think it is right
to bestow promiscuous charity. A few
days ago a beggar met him. and ap
plied to him for pecuniary assistance.
After considerable reflection Col.
Yerger responded with a reluctant
quarter and an expression of sympathy.
"Thank you, colonel," said the
tramp; "I reckon you knows how a fel
low feels who has no education and
has to deadbeat his way through the
world."—Alex Sweet, in Texas Sift
ings.
Familiar to American*.
Boy—What does feudal mean?
Teacher—Under the old feudal sys
tem one man had authority over a
wnole community, appointing his fa
vorites to rule over the people and
levying tribute on all citizens when
ever he pleased. Do you understand?
Boy—Yes'm. He was a boss. —Good
News.
WHS That It?
"What little boy will tell why Lot's
wife was turned into a pillar of salt?"
asked the Sunday school teacher.
Freddy Filkius' hand went up, and
the good lady nodded to him to give
his answer.
"Because she was too fresh."—Truth.
Precisely.
Bingo—l tell you, dear, I had to work
hard last night.
Mrs. Bingo—Sc. 1 judged by what I
saw in your pocket this morning.
Bingo—What do you mean?
Mrs. Bingo—A workman is known
by his chips, isn't lie?—N Y. World.
The Cautte of It.
He blushed a flefy red; her heart
went pit-a-pat; she gently hung her
head and looked down on the mat. ne
trembled in his speech; he rose from
where he sat. and shouted with a
screech: "You're sitting on my hat!"
—Pearson's Weekly.
Impersonating an Ofllrer.
Justice Stuffey—You charge this
tramp with coming to your saloon and
impersonating an officer, do you?
Grogan—Yis, sor: the blagard gave
three raps on me soide dure, an' I
passed him out adlirink.—N. Y. World.
Another Matter.
"Jones has skipped with twenty
thousand dollars."
"He's a genius!"
"And he took your umbrella along,
too."
"He's an infernal scoundrel!"— Hallo.
Arched.
Sally Gay—What a cunning little fel
low Mr. Callipers is!
Dolly Swift—Cunning? Why, he's
dreadfully bow-legged.
Sally Gay—Yes, but that gives him
such an arch look, you know. —Truth.
Easy to Laugh.
Mrs. Brickrow—lt does a body good
to have Dr. Grinn when one is sick. He
is always so jolly.
Mr. Brickrow —You'd be jolly, too, if
you were getting three dollars for *
ten-minute call.—N. Y. Weekly.
Ills Fears.
Prisoner- What does the judge say
about my case?
Lawyer—He's non-committal.
Prisoner —Well, I'iu glad of that. 1
was afraid he would give me seven
years.—Judge.
(aood Advice.
Father—Do you really desire to mak«
my daughter happy?
The Suitor—Certainly!
Father Then don't marry her.—
Hallo.
Comforting.
Patient—Well, doctor, how's my
lung?
Doctor—Pretty fair—it will last M
long as you live.—Hallo.
A Mltlgratlujr Circumstance.
Little Benny—Mamma, please let me
bold the baby for a minute.
Mother—l am afraid, Benny, you
might let her fall.
Little Benny—Well, if she does fall
she can't fall very far.—Alex Sweet,
In Texas Siftings.
Contentment.
"Rabbi, who is the happier, the man j
who owns 81,000,000 or he who has
seven daughters?" "The man who has
many daughters " "Why so?" "He
who has 81,000,000 wishes for more; the
aaan who has seven daughters does
not."—Fliegende Blaetter.
A Modern Miracle.
"A miracle happened on the B& O. ,
line the other night."
"You don't say so."
"Yes; they discovered a hot box !
while the train was passing through
Philadelphia."—Brooklyn Life.
Deauty of Absence.
Wiggins—l wonder how it is that old
DeCash always speaks so highly of bis j
poor cousin in the west?
Grump —IPin! His cousin is so hard !
up that he never can afford to pay him
a visit'—Truth.
With a Marked Accent.
Friend —Does the baron, your son-in
law. speak with much of an accent?
Richpurse—He did when he discov
ered how I had fixed his wife's dower. I
-Puck. 1
No VMdtr.
"The intist (livnuted man I ever saw,™
said Lncle \lle*i Sparks. who was in a
reminiscent mood, ' was a divorce law
yer He attended a sale of unclaimed
express packages and bought fur two
dollars ant! tifty cent* what he supposed
was an «-i! painting When he took it
to his office and unwrapped it he found
it was one i f framed mottoes:
"God lUov»Our H «n»c-'"—Chicago Trib
une.
IVhat lie Hrin"nih»*r«Ml.
I!ri;rh» !; ■< I'nole t!e»rge took me
to hear a lecture on phrenology
Father Let me m-c if you can tell me
what you learned?
Bright Boy - Some smart men have
high foreheads, and some smurt men
have low foreheads: and some big fools
have high foreheads, and some big
fools have low foreheads. That's all I
can remember. - tiood News.
Might ( tiatigc Iter Ww«.
"Emily." said the young author, ten
derly, "what do you think of my new
novel?"
"Reginald." responded Kinily. with a
voice of which every tone spoke elo
quently a> to her feelings. "Rejrinald.
I have far too high a regard for yon
now ever to read any of your books."—
Chicago Record
Matrimonii*! ltrm
"Is marriage a failure?" asked the
elderly Spil .insof a former tlame. who
had l>eeti a party to a May ami Decem
ber marriage.
"No." she replied, with a glance
toward her husband, in the next room.
"Not a failure. Only a temporary em
barrassment."—Alex Sweet, in Texas
Siftings.
Where llr Kept 111* Property.
At a church meeting in one of the
suburbs of Chicago the inquiry was
made whether a certain lawyer of the
congregation, whose financial affairs
were somewhat involved, had "got
religion." To which another lawyer
present responded: "No, I think not,
unless it's in his wife's name."—Argo
naut
W lierr Ignorance I* BUM.
Mother—You are a great big girl,
Fanny, but you are afraid to sleep
alone, and there is your little sister
Jenny, who is not half your age, and
she is not afraid.
Fanny—You see, ma, she isn't old
enough to have any sense yet.—Alex
Sweet, In Texas Siftings.
New Specie*.
Dick Hiclcs—What kind of a bird Is a
limed?
Hicks—Never heard of the species.
Why?
Dick Illcks—The grocer has a whole
box full of limed eggs.—N. Y. World.
Scarcity of Silver.
Guest (facetiously)— There are two
spoons in my teacup. What is that a
sign of?
Hostess' Little Son—That's a sign
that somebody else hasn't got any
spoon. —Good News.
New Llfht on the Hubjeet.
Mr. Aikin—You see things In a dif
ferent light since you married, do you
not?
Mr. Nuwed —1 ought to. There
were fifteen lamps among our wedding
presents.—Forget Me Not.
These Are Everywhere.
"You stand for office in England. In
this country you run for it."
"But we have one sort of candidate
in common. Those who lie for it"—
Harper's Bazar.
Where Is He?
Breathes there a man with soul so dead
Or (alls to lake good care of It,
Who's handsonfe or accomplished, and
Is thus far not aware of ltf
—Detroit Free Press.
SIMILAR It ESI REM.
Mrs. Mulligan—l'd rather hev the
hull family sick than you!
Mr. Mulligan—So would I! —Hallo.
Not One.
All lovers plead for just oae kiss,
But when they're bsdly gone,
la their bright lexicon of bliss
There's no such word as one.
—Truth.
No l'»e for Ftre-Llght.
Mrs. Percushing—Henry, I smell fire,
I tell you!
Mr. Percushing—Well, I can't find
any fire, and I've been all over the
house.
Mrs. Percushing—Well, light the
candle and take another look. How
could you find it in the dark, you idiot?
—Judge.
Editorial Remarks.
"To make a long story short," ob
served the blue pencil, "the way to
succeed" —
"Is to do the work you are cut out
for," suggested the scissors.
"And stick at it," added the paste-pot
And then silence reigned in the sanc
tum. —N. Y. World.
The Winning Hand.
She (half suspiciously)— Did you
ever hold a hand that you would like
to hold better than mine?
He —Only once, darling. Then I bad
four aces. —Raymond's Monthly.
On the Ocean Blue.
Sympathetic Steward —Lights bother
ye, mum?
Very Rick Passenger—N-no. I think
it's niv liver. —Life.
His Attitude.
Tramp (to philanthropist)— Sir, lam
one of the unemployed, and you could
place ine in a position I should very
much like to occupy.
Philanthropist—Certainly, my good
man; what is the position?
Tramp—That of owing you one dol
lar until the next time I meet you.—
Truth.
An Idea.
Bobbie—Papa. I've been reading a
story about an elephant drawing up a
lot of water, and then squirting it all
over a man he didn't like.
Bobbie's Father —That wasn't a very
nice thing to do, was it?
Bobbie—No. I should think he
would have made him check his trunk.
—Harper's Young People.
I'art of the Architect's Plans.
Jean—Mv house is to be an exact
counterpart of this old chateau that I
saw in Normandy.
Lisette —Ah, but it will lack the mel
lowing effect of age.
Jean —But a gentleman with nine
children is going to lease It for twe
years before I move in.—Vogue.
A New Mother-ln-Law Joke.
"Mr. Smith, your jnother-in-law—"
"Oh! do not say that anything has
happened to her."
"Nothing has happened to her. i
What makes you so anxious about liet
safety?"
"Why, man, she pays my rent everj j
month."—Tammany Timjifc '
N o. '29
Better Yet.
The other forenoon a young man#
whose hair seemed to stand on end and
whose wild eves and red face attracted
imiued.ato attention halted before a
Woodward avenue dry goods store and
j gazed fixedly at the card signs at
tached to articles displayed at th«
! door.
"Reduced one-half in ten days, eh?"
he muttered, as one card in particular
caught his eye "Maybe that feller in
side thinks he's mighty smart, but he's
mistaken. I struck this town with
forty dollars only two days ago, an'
here I'm reduced to fifteen cents al
ready. Half In ten days; humphl"—
Detroit Free Press.
Takeu at Ills Word.
A Texas school-teacher lost one of
his scholars very suddenly and unex
pectedly. The class was parsing a sen
tence.
"What is the imperative of the Terb
to go?" asked the teacher.
"I duntao."
"Go!"
"Thank you!" murmured the lad, as
he shot out of the door before the
teacher could prepare his veto mes
sage.—Alex E. Sweet, in Texaa Sift
ings.
SPAKE RlitS AND CABBAUK.
Other Things Count.
"A great deal depends on penman
ship, my boy—a great deal depends on
penmanship," he said to his son. "It
may be of inestimable value to ayoung
man, so you can't be too particular. I
notice you don't write nearly so good
a hand as your brother."
"Neither do you." retorted the boy.
"I'm —no. perhaps not I didn't have
the advantages—"
"But yours is good at the bank and
his isn't."
And thus ended the first lesson.—St
Louis Post-Dispatch.
Matrimonial Persiflage.
Mrs. Henpeck (severely) A good
wife is the greatest riches a man can
have.
Mr. Henpeck (sadly)—l only wish it
were so. my dear.
Mrs. H. (with asperity)— And what
reason, pray, sir, have .you for think
ing it is not so?
Mr. ll.—Because "riches take unto
themselves wings and fly away," you
know. Hullo.
A Grcnt Success.
Young Mr. Fitts—That pie you gave
to the Commercial club for the poor
has been one of the most successful
contributions of the year.
Young Mrß. Fitts—lndeed!
"Yes, indeed. It has been presented
to no less than seven poor families so
far."—lndianapolis Journal.
A Serious Accusation.
Wobbley Wibbles—l have a good
mind to have that saloon bouncer
who chucked me out arrested as an an
archist *
Wiggley Waggles—What charge can
you bring against him?
Wobbley Wibbles —Firing a bum.—
Brooklyn Eagle.
Circumstantial Evidence.
Willie Your father is going to
church to-morrow with your mother,
ain't he?
Tommy—How did you know that?
Willie—Well, if he wasn't you'd
never be digging bait on Saturday
afternoon.—Judge.
L.onjr Time Rlnce They Had Met.
Policeman (to tramp in front of an
exchange office) —What yer bowin' and
scrapin' in front of that winder for?
Tramp (making another bow) —I'm
salutin' them bank notes—old acquaint
ances that I haven't seen for years.—
Tammany Times.
Not Adopted.
First Fashion Leader—Why not adopt
this style? It is very becoming to both
of us.
Second Fashion Leader —Yes, it is
becoming to us, but it docs net make
other people look ugly enough.—N. Y.
Weekly.
Sacrificed to Form-
George (weakly)— Don't you think,
dear-
Maude (coyly)— Think what, George?
George (bravely)— That it's awfully
bad form for us to be so familiar un
less we are engaged.—Hallo.
In Boston.
"When Lot's wife looked back," said
the Sunday school teacher, "what hap
pened to her?"
"She was transmuted Into chloride
of sodium," answered the class, with
one voice.—Chicago Tribune.
True as a Rule.
She —I suppose actresses are much
quicker dressers than ordinary women
folks.
He—Well, they certainly do dresa a
rood deal faster. —N. Y. World.
Quite a Distinction.
Miss Morris (to Miss Proudell, erf
Philadelplia) —I know some Proudella
in New York. Are you related to
them?
Miss Proudell—Oh no. Of coursf .
not. If there is any connection at all,
it is they who are related to us.—
Harper's Bazar.
Running n Great Risk.
Brlggs—Well, old man, I've just
spent half a day in writing some
verses to Maude Twickenham.
Griggs—That's strange.
Briggs—What is?
Griggs—Why, I thought you wanted
to marry her! —Truth.
LonellneM.
First Girl —Freddie took a good deal
of wine at dinner yesterday.
Second Girl —I noticed it
First Girl—lt went to his head.
Second Girl —Dear me! What a lone
ly place for It to go to! —Washington
Star.
Woman's Way.
Upon her neighbor's hat she jssed
Awhile with look Intent,
And In these terms the structure prataedi
It's grand—magnificent"
Upon Niagara she looked
An I to her lover said.
As to his arm her own she booked:
"It's pretty, atn'tlt, Ned?"
—S. Y. Presa
End of a Chicago Romance.
"The engagement between theiti la
broken, then?"
"0, yes."
"t)id they quarrel?"
"0, no; they discovered yesterday
that they had been married to eaah
other before." —N. Y. Presa.
Knew the Brother.
Struggling Pastoi>— Brother Skinflint
intends to give our new chapel A
beautiful memorial window.
Wife —He probably wants something
to look at when the contribution box
goes around.—N. Y. Weekly.