VOL. XXIX. PROFESSIONAL CARDS. JOSEPH W. MILLER, M. D. Physician and Surgeon, office sad residence at 33ft It. Main St. Butler, Is. Dr. N. M. HOOVER, 117 K. Wajne office hours. 101 > I* M an" I 10 3 I', 11 l. M. REINSfcX, M. U , IKTOCIA* AND Sl'HiiEOS. Office And residence at 121 E. t'uunloxtiam B<. U BLACK, ramciAN AKD SUBGBOH. Hew Tioutman Bnlldlng, Butler, Fa. I X UU.KK. It. D. j- *. *AJW. M. D. SpeelaMee: .Specialties: Gynaecology aad Bar- Bye, aad DRS. LEAKE & MANN, Butler, Pa. G. M. ZIMMERMAN, ramciaa i» scsaao*. Office ai No. 45. B.Maln Kxeet. over Prank A Co'i Di uj? Store. BuUer. Fa. SAMUEL M. BiPPUS. Physician and Surgeon. /fo. 22 Eait Jefferoon St., Btll*, Pa. V. McALPINE, Dentist, la now permanently located at i*> South Main Street Butler. Pa., In rooms formerly occupied by Dr. Waldroo. ~~ I J. J. DONALDSON, Dentist. Butler, Penn'a. Wet BcSnrs Clothing Store. DR. S. A. JOHNSTON. DENTIST, - - BUTLER, PA. All woffc pertaining to the profession exacut and trAeUoifotTeetb. VltaliiedAlr - J '''™uV™X"£Z n P, jTb!—Se *aiy Dentist la Butler aslag the best MkM ofteeU. C. F. L. McQUISTION, gjjUUiEER AND SURVEYOR, Ornci **aa DIUOKB. Bcn-sa. P».' 1 A. B. C. McFARLAND. >.mi tnw and Notary Public—Office on S. Dialnond St.—ow**"* 2e court House-,,ec ' ood Hoot. H. Q. WALKER, Attomey-al-Law—Office in Diamond Block. Butler. Pa. J. M. PAINTER, Attorney Law. OBVce-Between Pwtofllce and Diamond. But ler, Pa. A- T. SCOTT, ATTOBN - AT-LA W. Office at t*o. S, South Diamond. Butler. Pa. A. M. CHRISTLEY, ATIOKKEK AT LAW. Office second floor, Anderson B1 k, Malu St., sear Couit House, Butler, Pa. •tan, « . "• ~ •" J. W- HUTCHISON, ATTORNEY AT LAW. Office on scccud floor o( the Huaelton bipck. piamopd, Butler, Pa.. Boom Mo. L IRA MCJUNKIN. LawJJfflce at No. IT, East leffer- W. C. FINDLEY, Attorney at Law snd Ileal Estate or nr* rear of L. 7.. Mitchell's office on north side of Diamond, Butler, P*. H. H. GOUCHER. atteraay-at-law. Office on second floor of Aaderaon bnlldlng, near Court Houss. Batlsr. Pa. NEWTON BLACK. Att'y at Law— South side of Diamond Bailer. Pa. LTST McJUNKINT" Ihsuranee and Real Estate Ag't 17 EAST JEFFERSON,ST. BUTTER, - PA ~ fiTi consT> Mutual Fire Insurance Go. Office Cor. Main & Cunningham fit*. ,3. 0. ROEBSING, PEIBIDIHT. 11. C lIEINKMAN, HBOKSTABT. DIRECTORS: G r. KAMMtng, Oliver, J * L Purvfci .lames fttephennon, A Triiatman, C. Helnomu, Alfred WJCk. N. Wclt«sl. Dr. W. IrvtD, C - j. W. Burkhart, ID- T. Norris. LOTAL 8. M'JUNKIN, Agent. BXTTXj'B'R/. PA A> £. GABLE, Veterinary Surgeon. Graduate of the Ontario Veterinary College, Toronto, Canada. Dr. Gable treats all dieeaeeg of tbe domesticated animals, and MTKES ridpling, castration and horse den tistry a specialty. Castration per formed without clams, and all other snrgical operations performed in the Hioat scientific manner. Calls to any part of the country promptly responded to. Office and Infirmary in Crawford's Liyery, 182 West Jefferßon Street, Bqtler p*. O. D. HARVEY, Contractor and builder tn brick work, urate aad maatat letting ami all klndnuf brtck-lsvlnif a ipwiatty. Also dealer ID h*rr*l ltnui. Warn pun loor* limn, cement*. NMlonnl, Portland aud all bast grades In the market. (Calcined platter, piaster hair. King's cement, Ore brick, tlla, arhlte sand and river sand. Main office 3IA H, Mam street, and all orders led at ware bouse will receive prompt dellrerj. Turms reasonable, Good Farm for Sale. Containing MM acres and *7 percben. To acres •tewed and under fence. Balance (tandlng in good white oak limber. < oinfortable dwelitnu BOOM, good bam, wagon shed, RprUiKhouae of beat kind, bog pen and *heep house. Never talliag springs over whole place; a good or Cbartf Poaaemlon given April 1 l»9f. 11t|e good Situate in I'ean twp.. Hutler eonntv, Pa., about tlx miles nooth o( Kutler ' Cntaatt ufllue. Batter, fa., or tbe t«M>. DAVIU DIXON. Browns oatv. Ballet Oe.,Pa THE BUTLER CITIZEN. IF ANY SHOE WAS EVFR wortbv of a bigh piece in history, it i? 1 our School Shoe There is DO necersuv ■ft*'' 1 for P nttin P tbeir history into book 1 form Yon ' soon know enoucb about I them if you »f-ar a jiuir of tbeoi. It & I vrout teke you lonjr to find oat that , wl en y< u lfiu«ht tlem you v.ero bnv itL ' frP "' Udid tervk '*' fid<»reJ Slipp9 r - 1 . At 75 cts Gents Fine Eihbroiderd Velvet Slippers At SI.OO Gents Plush slippers in beautiful shades At $1 25 and $1.50, the patterns are beatiful. in different colors— lD Blue, Old Gold, Seal Brown and Tobacco Brown Then the Maroon Go»t at SIOO, $1 25 and Tan Calf at $1.50 are beauties Then tbe Russia Leather in tbe dark wine color and tbe Alligators are tbe fioest Slippers iu the market. Our Ladies Slippers are tine—large selection- -uo bou.-e can show so large a selection or as fiDe styles and at as low prices as thetu- goods are. Don't fail to cotne in aud buy a pair or two before stock is broken B C HUSELTON, - 102 X. MAIN ST , BUTLER PA Closing out Sale OF WINTER BOOTS. SHOES & RUBBERS. Regardless of Cost. If you are looking for bargains go to JOHN BICKEL'S. A lively sale is now goinp on iu all of footwear. Price no ohj.-c the prmcipal thing is to reduce stock. I find myself with a very lartje ntori. of winter goods which I will not carrv over it low figures on them will bav any effect. All Kinds of Btoga 'Boots go. Isold Boots low at «he of th'; t-eason Now I am almot-t giving them away. Menß Boots, $1 50; Boys Boots, $1.25; Youths Boot*, $1 00; Childfi Boots, 75 cts. Ladies, Misses and Childrens Shoes Go Shoddy shoes are dear at auy pries. These goods are nil fn*s>h, des'r able goods and are iroing to b< svld very cheap My otock of children's echool shoes are very dcairable and selling lower tban ever before Felt Boots are in the Push with Rubber (roods. These goods are ju«t in season arid now in '.be time to pee them, now is wheu yon want tbnm and you can buy tbem cheap Boots and Shoes Made to Order Holiday Slippers in Great V arietv. Repairing neatly aud promptly done. Ask for 1892 Calander. JOHN BICKEL. BUTLER, - -- -- -- -- PENN'A WOOL BOOTS AND Perfection Heel & Tup ()vers $2.00 $2.00 FOR THE COMBINATION. We offer tbe Farmers of Butler 00., this season the greatest valu<* for tbe money they bave ever bad. The Boots tire the heaviest and best made and are fitted with joint and back stay of leather. They are all wool aud seaman*, made mimmoth nize and then fulled down to the proper dimensions Th«y combine Softness. Pliability and Durability and will ke«p your feet warm the c >ldest day. CANDEE BUCKLE OVERS. This wall known brand of overc., which forms over one half of the great combination needs no comment as to their (juality. Every one knows that they are one of the best maki-s of rubber goods on the market to day Their Btyle is that, of a bnck'e ankle boot. The buckle is a puU nt clasp. They have solid Heels aud Taps. The taps over extra thick at the ba l where the most wear conies. We will se'l either imrt of the combination separately f.>r SI.OO p> r pair. This will give those who haye boots hut no shoes a chance to liuy the best shoes at lepij thau wholesale prices and vice versu 4 last word. Don't delay in buving We have lots of these goods now but no telling how long they will last at these prices. A-L. R-U-F-F. 114 Houtli Main Street. Kutler, I'a MUTE! IN CITIZEN. TIIE UNEXPECTED GUEST.' An Odd Christmas Story of Twin Houses. I RUDOLPH BOU \ I LONGER v.-as \A f very eccentric, W v e ry peculiar. yjgisr - He was learned Wr and rich but \ con spicnottsly * **MM * ' a< -" common ?, ' Hk sense. Never- L' thcless he was lucky to an ex / tent passing ' J' • belief. Other ' v men toiled faithfully for years and used the best judgment, but their ventures failed. Fate was their relentless enemy. Bou longer would do something which in the eyes of the wise stamped him as a fool, and yet his seemingly brainless act would bring him a small fortune. His boyhood was one of ease, his father being ia good circumstances and requiring nothing more of his son than that he should go to school and college and leam from books all that lie could. Bndolph had a splendid memory, and absorbed printed knowledge as readily as a sponge sucks up water. Re gave no attention to anything except books until the death of his father compelled him to think how he should live and pay his bills. The fortune left him was modest, and his friends, knowing what a lamentably impractical person he was, advised him to put his money in a savings bank, not to marry, and to live economically. He rejected their ad vice with scorn. He wished to travel Abroad and enjoy luxuries. He in vested nearly all of his fortune in a gold mine. His friends were horror-strick en. They said his money would surely be lost in the wildcat scheme, and that, as he was utterly incapable of making a living, he would be obliged to go to the poorhouse, and eventually, perhaps, to the retreat for imbeciles. But to the surprise of the forcboders the mine soon proved to be one of the richest on this continent and in a few years Ru dolph possessed a half million dollars. Henceforth his career was marked by a succession of lucky blunders. He would buy real estate In a wilderness where only the remains of Indian tribes could be persuaded to dwell, and in a year's time a railroad would be run through his land and he would sell building lots at a handsome profit for the establish ment of a village. He did other things equally absurd, but made money every time. In spite of his many eccentricities he secured for a wife a beautiful and ac complished girl. How she ever allowed herself to marry him was a marvel to those who knew them But they ap peared to live happily together Their children, twins named James and Edith, were sensible like their mother. The family resided in a fine country mansion about a mile from the out skirts of Boston. Their nearest neigh bor was a well-to-do farmer whose son, John Hendrickson, a sturdy and prac tical young man, fell in love with Edith Boulonger when she was eighteen years old. But Mr. Boulonger wished his daughter to marry a college-bred man who was the descendant of an old and cultured family. Another require -1 "VOU CAN NEVER MAURY MT DAUGHTER." I I ment was that the suitor should either be rich enough to lead a life of elegant j leisure or else should be a professional man; doctor or lawyer admissible, but minister preferred. That Edith should marry a mere farmer was preposterous. ; Moreover, Mr. Boulonger did not like ' Hendrickson for a reason that will late ; appear. "It will be useless to speak to father," said Edith to John one Christ mas eve. "He will never give his con sent to my marrying you." "Nevertheless 1 will speak to him," replied the bold lover. "He shall know that I dare to face him." Mr. Boulonger sat in his library ; when the young man was ushered j into hi' presence. The eccentric gentle- ; man assumed an air of dignity and clothed hi. countenance with an i ominous frown. lie believed that his | demeanor aloiiu would dishearten his j Intended victim. But Hendrickson was ; not awed at, aIL Aristocratic preten- I hion.s had no effect upon the independent I American except to make liiin despise I them. j "You can never marry my daughter," i said Mr. Boulonger, in weighty tones. "Why?" I "For variouu reasons. The most im portant one is that 3 -«ti do not belong to a cultured family and are not college bred You are neither an Arlyut. /),»<■<<». [auriM nor an Artium M'tycter. More- ' Over, you deceived me when I bought that Jersey cow of yoil. As soon as slits was in my stabje I ordered my hired man to milk her. He reported that he could not obtain any milk Thinking the pail might le-ik, 1 ordered him to go to a tin shop and buy a new, tight pall. He at once obeyed, lie placed the new pail under the cow and again j manipulated the udders. There was no How whatever The cow's bag was small and shrunken. It was a clear case of desiccation. For lacteal pur- ! poses the animal was useless. 1 sold her that very day." Hendrickson could scarcely restrain a fchout of laughter. "There was nothing the matter with the cow," he exclaimed. "I had milked her just before sending her to your place and of course her bag was empty." Rudolph was not astonished. Evi dences of his stupidity were too fre- | quently brought to his attention to cause him any uneasiness. Moreover he was too pigheaded to acknowledge an unwelcome truth while he could think of any pretext with which tocom bat it. "An ingenious excuse on your part," he rcuiicd. btUllv, "but it will not uu- j PA., FRIDAY, DECEMBER -25, 1891. If TX' ; Vv 21! • "OH. FATHER! SPARE HIM!" swer. You must recollect that I have studied the genus bovine scientifically. I have one hundred books relating to the breeding and nurture of cattle and to the diseases to which they are liable. I have read every one of these books through and can speak with an authori ty unknown to the empirical farmers in this neighborhood. I know when a cow is in a normal condition; and I say that the Jersey that you sold me was a farrow cow that had long ceased to yield any lacteal fluid." Hendrickson soon left in disgust. Had he not loved the daughter deeply, he would have objected to marrying into a family the head of which was so great a fool. It was a sad Christmas eve for the lovers. John bade Edith farewell with the knowledge that a long time would probably elapse before they could meet again. As for Mr. Iloulonger, he made up his mind tliat his children were being- vul garized by too much contact with rural influences, and the family moved into the city, where they boarded at a hotel during the greater part of the next year. In conformity with his eccentric tendencies Mr. Boulonger, when spring arrived, set about carrying into effect n long cherished plan. He purchased two adjoining building lots iu the sub urbs of Boston and erected upon them two large square houses that were built and painted just alike. He also furnished the houses so carefully and ar ranged their contents so systematically that the interiors of the structures were exactly similar. His son and daughter were twins, he said, and ought to live in twin houses, his design being to have Jaiues live in one house and Edith in the other after each had succeeded in getting married. He selected a minis ter for Edith; but t*e young lady did not favor her father's plan, and tlio dominie made as poor progress in his courtship as he did in writing sermons that contained original and interesting ideas. Finding that his children would not marry immediately, Mr. lioulonger moved with his family into one of the furnished houses and rented the other house to a Mr lie In up, a friend who also knew John Hendrickson and liked him well. Meanwhile James Boulonger had act ed as a confidential messenger between his sister and her lover; and the three, with Mr. Belnap and Mrs. IJoulonger as confederates, devised an artful plan by which it was hoped the elder IJou longer might bo persuaded to accept Hendrickson as a son-in-law. At the approach of the holiday sea son the young farmer came to Boston and became the guest of Mr. Belnap, much to the annoyance of Rudolph Boulonger. Nothing of interest occurred until Christmas eve. Then in the midst of a blinding snowstorm James Boulonger returned home at midnight. '1 he rest of the family were abed and asleep and James retired to his couch without delay. An hour later the household were startled from their slumbers by the cry: "Bobbers, robbers!" Jnmcs Boulonger dashed out of hi bedroom anil fired his pistol. Old Rudolph was aroused, and with u rifle in his hand ran out of his sleeping apartment on the first floor. Father and son met in the dining-room where much expensive silverware, which it had been hoped would grace the Christ mas dinner the next day, had been stored in a sideboard. The silver had not been disturbed. "We are just in time," cried Rudolph. "The rascals would soon have secured all of our silver had they not been frightened. I do not hear them, but they have probably not gone from the house. They arc undoubtedly armed and may light desperately." His ardor was not so great as it was at first. But James was full of prowess and his father reluctantly followed him to the kitchen. • "There he is!" eried Rudolph,as he saw a man dart into an entry that led W> the cellar. With hands that trembled vio lently the old man raised his rifle anil fired at random. The room was filled with smoke, and Rudolph was at the same moment tilled with confidence. He was not afraid of a robber who re treated as if he were unarmed. Ru dulpli put another cartridge in his gun and quite boldly opened the door con necting the entry with the cellar. "For God's sake!" cried a voice in the darkness, "do not shoot again. I am John Hendrickson." "Ha! it is you, you rascal. Just what I've expected; you've become a robber. I'll dispose of you so that you'll never sell another dried up cow," shouted Rudolph; and again he blazed uivay, although lie could not seo Hendrickson. ' "Father, oh, father, spare him! It is all a dreadfid mistake!" cried Edith, as she pinioned her infuriated parent's arms with her own. "Listen to mo just a moment," said Hendrickson in excited tones as he ap peared from behind a barrel when ho saw that there was to be a cessation in the hostilities. "You know that I have been vi iting Mr Belnap, and that this house and the one in which he lives are just alike outside and in. I approached this house in the midst of blinding snow, thinking it was the right one. I found the door unlocked, but supposed Mr. Belnap hail forgotten to secure it after him. I entered and locked the door. Every object about me was fa miliar. I descended to the kitchen anil left my coat and rubbers there. 1 then returned to the parlor and lighted a lamp. Not feeling sleepy I read for about an hour, having found a copy of the same Imok which I had been read ing at Mr. Belnap'*. About one o'clock I went to the bedroom which I sup posed was mine, and t.<> my intense sur prise found your ben in it. He was awake and VMIH after me with n pistol in sin Instant You know the rest." ' Hid you leave the door unlocked?" asUcd Mr. Boulonger, turning toward but hon. "l declare, l Detieve 1 diet,' said James. lie did not add, however, that he had left the door unlocked purposely and was not surprised by what had subse quently occurred. Rudolph Boulonger shuddered, not knowing' that he had been tiring blank cartridges that had thoughtfully been provided for his use, and was glad that he had not killed an innocent man. He felt that he had greatly wronged John Hendrickson; he observed with alarm the highly-wrought feelings of his daughter; his nerves were too much shaken for him to deny that the twin houses which his eccentricity had caused him to erect and furnish alike were responsible for the unwelcome oc currence, and he was glad to make peace by giving tho intruder permission to marry Edith. The next day the family sat down to a splendid Christmas dinner in their home, and John Hendrickson, the un expected guest, was entertained by them in a very pleasaut manner. "It is a fitting occasion for a reconcil iation," said Rudolph Boulonger, whose recent experience had made him un usually regardful of religion. "I for one am glad to feel the influences of a v."* "PEACE OS EARTH." day that has brought 'peace on earth and good-will to men.'" The others acquiesced in the worthy sentiment. Mr. and Mrs. John Hendrickson and Mrs. and Mrs. James Boulonger now re side in the twin houses, and every Christmas the two families and Mr. and Mrs. Iludolph Boulonger dine together in one of the peculiar dwellings. It is said that on t>ne of the happy oc casions Rudolph Boulonger was gently told of the ruse by which he had been deceived, Edith and her husband ex cusing themselves by saying that there had been love and war and that all tactics were fair in l>otli. It is further reported that the old gentleman for gave the couple, having in the mean time learned from the owner of the Jersew cow that that animal had given a good moss of milk eight hours after she had left the Boulonger farm. J. A. Bot-LES. SIor« K tvag.ns Than Time. Mrs. Cobwigger—Now, my dear, if you will eook the plum pudding just as I tell you, it will keep a year Mrs. Brown—Ahl You don't know Johnnie. Life GOVERNOR HOVEY. Kventrtil Career of Indiana'* I.ate Chief ■executive. Alvin I'. Hovcy was born on a farm near Mount Vernon, l'«wy county, I rid., September 0, 1821, and was educated \ in the country c schools ami by pri \ vate teachers. In /Tg 1840 he was a school- V j teacher, and while yso engaged pursued \ b tndy of law \ \ 'fv • ~ evenings, being ad \ initted to tho bar oov. iiovKY. in 1842. He enlist ed as a private in the Mexican war and was commissioned a first lieutenant for conspicuous service in June, 1810. lie turning to Indiana at tie- close of tho war with Mexico he b pin the practice of the law, and as a democrat waseleet ed a delegate to the constitutional con vention of the htnte in |s:,o. In 1851 lie was elected jud'T- of the circuit court of the third judicial circuit, and at the ex piration of his term in 1?54 was ap pointed one of the judges of the state supreme court to iill a vacancy. '1 he same year his party nominated him for the regular term, but ho was defeated by llou. Samuel Gookins, republican and know-uothiug candidate. The year following, 1855, ho served as president of the democratic state convention, and in 1850 President Franklin Pierce appointed liiin United States district attorney for the state of Indiana, from which office ho was re moved in 1858 by President James Bu chanan beeause of his active support of Stephen A. Douglas for the presiden tial nomination. Daniel W. Voorhees, now United States senator, was ap pointed his successor. Gov. Hovey was defeated for congress In 1858 by Hon. W. E. Niblack. Ho was among the first to tender his services to the cause of the union at the opening of hostil ities between tho north and the south in I SOI In August, 1801, he was com missioned colonel of tin- Twenty-fourth regiment, Indiana volunteers, and In April, l«0U, was promoted to the rank of brigadier general of volunteers. He served under (Jens. Fremont and Hun ter in Missouri during 1801 and was with Gen. Grant at Slilloh and Vicks burg, and with Gen. Sherman in his famous march to the sea. As a brigade and division commander ho participated in the battles of Corinth, Shiloh, I'ort Gibson, Reseca, Dalton, Champion's Hill, and the siege of Vicksburg and Jackson. In July, 1804, he was com missioned brevet major general of vol unteers, "for meritorious and distin guished services during the war." He was appointed United States minister to the republic of Peru in 1805, which office lie filled with conspicuous merit until 1870, when ho resigned and re turned to Indiana. In 1887 he was elected as a republican to the Fiftieth congress from tho First congressional district, defeating James E. McCul lough, democrat. While serving his term as congressman he was nominated for governor by tho republicans In 1888 and was elected, defeating Matson, democrat, by 3,200 plurality. Ity the ('nrit. Chollie—Er—aw Miss I'igg, may I dare to offeh my heart and hand to tho fairest of her sex, the wose without a thorn? Miss Laura —Mr. Sophleigh, you are the fourth to propose to me in those very same words. Chollie Ya-as All of otiah fellahs use that fawm of pwoposal, dont'eherknow. lndianapolis Journal. liiiiiilillng Item. First Police Captain I am going to put a stop to this gambling business in my precinct. Second Police Captain—A good idea It is a disgrace to the city, but 1 don't think you can stop it. "I'll bet a hundred, I can." "I'll go you, old man." —Texas Sift- Ings. I'awrr of Will. Expectant Nephew How is my rich uncle to day' Family Doctor Much better 111* will keeps linn alive Nephew ■ sadly) I'm afraid that's so He mail' ■i- .- ill m m.v favor twenty years ago and I don't believe he'll die wliiiu tiiul will la lu existence. Good SOME CHRISTMAS THOUGHTS. How a Humorist Secured a I'teful l're«ert far Hi* Wife. ' ias ' Joen sa 'd* ' ' PW think by some come? bat once pi^?' It is a mighty JScL; r - fortunate thing V for some of us that it doesn't come twice. Perhaps it Y/'', doesn't crowd yy 1 /' every one to the verge of penary as it does me, 4 then every ■' one hasn't such a penchant for keeping always in the neighborhood of penury as I have. Awhile ago my father took it into his head that there was money in rais ing hogs, so he paid S4O for some squeal ers, fed them §OO worth of corn and sold STB.CO worth of pork. A drift ing toward a sort of pig penury, he says. One Christmas followeth so closely upon tho heels of another that the space of time, after it is past, is but as a tale that is told or a Waterburv watch in the A Christmas patt delighteth us not, but a Christmas present is a joy to our soul. And it is the Christmas present. Heaven strengthen us, that we all have to deal with. For my part I never know what to buy. Only once have I had things all cut and dried for me. A little while be fore last Christmas I gave my celebrated funny lecture in a New England village, doing a one night stand for the lier.efit of the L. S R. G. S. S. H. society of the brick church with shingle roof sit uate on the west side of the street as you leave the town. The name of the r- nip y "OOIXG AT FrVE!" organization I found was the Ladies Sewing, Reaping, Gossiping and Send ing Socks to tho Heathen society. Which Heathen society they sent them to I never learned. Quite a good many people listened to | my remarks, without more sigifsof pain ■ than I have noticed every where. As one | of the committecwomen remarked. I facetiously, afterward, "there was j more in the audience than there was in the lecture." I noticed that no one seemed to be putting on overshoes, while I was slow ly running down, or letting the cat die, as you might say, and after I had got off my final bon mot and didn't have a single bong mo' to get off, I sat down, but everybody stayed. Then the presi dent of the society came to me and said: "Mr. Hood, our society has been making a autograph quilt. Ten cents to put your name on a block, you know It's got over 400 blocks into it, and we've raised pretty near SSO for the heathen now We thought, while everybody was here and it was so near Christmas, we'd have you auction the quilt off." So I got up and held up the quilt and stepped on the edge of it and fell down, and everybody applauded and seemed to think it was a real clever thing to do. Mr. Hood then spoke in substance as follows: "How much am I offered for this quilt? It is a well-made quilt and is strictly non-partisan. The names, you will notice, are in blocks of five; it is designed for protection; it won't tariff you're careful of it, will keep Silver Bill or any other man warm, and how much am I offered for it?" Then everybody laughed quite a lot and nobody bid. I thought that they were afraid to speak up, so I said: "Well, now, I'll just start it at five dol lars. Who'll make it six? Going at five —at five. Give me the half. Five I have; six will you give me? Going at five-flve-fl-fl-fl-fl-fl-fl-fi —do I hear the six? Five I'm bid; aro you all done? Going at five, H-fi-fi-fi-fi-fi-fl-fl-five. Give me a quarter somebody. Five I have; do I hear the quarter? Five I have— going at five. Must I knock it down for such a paltry sum? Five I have; make it five dollars and ten cents. Five I have. Are you all done? Going, once —going, twice—going, twice —going, three times. Won't some one please bid?—and sold to u poor, misguided fool of u funny-lecture man for five dollars." And then the society all crowded around me and thanked me, and said that I was such a clever auctioneer, nud if I hadn't been there to run the auction they wouldn't have got half so much. So they deducted a fiver from my fee, said they didn't understand aliout the "locals," so I'd have to pay j my own hotel bill, and then they left ; nje alone with my quilt. I tried to give it to the landlord, but j he said: "Oh, hades, I wouldn't have t the dumb thing around the house!" So a bright idea struck me, and I j sent it home to my wife for a Christ- j mas present. She keeps it up on tho | spare bed, and I notico that folks that | come to see us nowadays, expecting to , stay several months, always begin to weaken along about the third night, and we never had a guest yet who could stand that quilt with four hun dred names on it for more than a week without going stark mad. CUAKI.KS NKWTON HOOD. Kuy to Find. Mrs. Dimsite —Willy, have you seen my sleeve buttons? Little Willy Dimsite Yes'm. I'a couldn't find his own this morning, so j he took yours. Mrs. Dimsite—All right. I'll wear his. They must be in plain sight some- ! where. —I*uck. A I.ate I.lterary Production. "Have you anything new?" asked a j customer of a recently engaged clerk in | a Chicago book store. "I'll see," replied tho young man as he swept his eye over tho shelves. "Yes, here's "The New Testament.' Would you like to look at it?" —Life. A Oiifitlitn of Knowledge. Iler Adorer - May I inarry your daughter, sir? Her Father—What do you want to marry for? You don't know when you're well off. Her Adorer—No, perhaps not; but I know when you're well off. —Life. Thn Man of the llogw. "Now that you have consented," said the happy young man, "I must seo your papa." "So," replied tho radiant girl. "You mention it to mamma. What she says goes."—Brooklyn Lifts. No fc«ed of Tb«m. First Little liirl (proudly! We use brass bed.-teada in our house Htcoud Little Girl- We dun t hav» to. We urrvr had buu».— The lUatlan •Cbriat-t hlld-" (n France it is the Jr*u» bmir.-bim, Christ-child, who oomes Among the Alsutians u lieautiful > ountf girl person ates this churae'er, anil, with a bell in one hand and sweetmeats in the other, she goes al>out the village distributing the coveted gifts among- the children. Wooden Shoe* for Kris Krlnglo. All over Germany Christmas is cele brated with much ceremony, and hun dreds of little wooden shoes wait for Kris Kringlc's coming There is noth ing that clings so tenaciously to the childish mind as the advent of Christ mas. IN THK TKAK OF (iRAC£, IS9I. "How foolish It is. Aunt Sadie, for mamma to try and make me believe that 'Santa Claus' comes down the chimney and Oils my stockings. I sup pose it worked all right when you were a little girl, but it is such a chestnut now! However, it pleases mamma, so 1 don't let on that I know."—Life. Sober Second Thought. Head of Firm (to office boy)— Here, take this box of cigars and distribute them around the office for Christmas. Office Hoy—Yes sir (Hurries off) Head of Firm—Hold on. I guess you'd better wait until after I go home. —Life. yoite Knrprla nf. Mr. Green—No, my dear, I will not tell you what I'm going to give you for Christmas. Why can't you women be content to wait and be surprised? Mrs. Green—Oh, tell me now. If you keep your word, I'll be surprised enough.—l*uck. The Huston Girl's Christmas. She tossed her Christmas toys sMde, Her (nee with disappointment frowning. "Oh, doar!" the litUe maiden sighed. "I did so want another Browning!" —Jury Everything la. Lovely, and— Mr. Knnoodle—And now wouldn't yos like me for a Christmas present? Miss Alert —Certainly, if you'll liung yourself on the Christmas tree.—Puck. ROIOH ON SANTA CLAUS. Ivy—Say, Dolph, I hope Santa Clans Is honest. Dolph—Why? Ivy—Cos them's my new stockings, and I don't want them stole. —Once a Week. THE NIGHT HEFORE CHRISTMAS. "I don't expect ter git nothin'. gents; in it; but I jest hang it up bccauso I think it's de proper thing ter encourage and keep up dese old and time-honored customs."—Puck. ST. NICK SOLILOQUIZES. St. Nick—Great reindeers) Have I ■truck th« week's washing? Texaa Sittings. stte minus Liespiy. "If he loves mo he will never take that girl out to ride. "lie i.-i merely pretending that he Is going to. "Goodness he is actually helping her Into the carriage. "Hut he loves me, nevertheless. •'He Is merely trying to make me jealous. "I will try t6 be jealous, to please him." —Puck. Why lie Wai There. "This sealskin, in my opinion." Raid the salesman, stroking the costly fttr anil speaking in a confidential murmur to the mild-looking man outside the counter, "will suit the lady better than anything we have In stock." Mrs Ntrongmind overheard him. "I will take this other on»\" she re marked with emphasis. "I brought my husband along, sir, to pay the bill." —Chicago Tribune. It* Mil IIU Thought®. "My wife can tell my wishes by the very expression of my eye. I never need speak." •Nonsense! That will do in novels, but in real life—" "Fact. I assure. I know she must guess my wishes, because sho always goes and docs just the contrary Phll adelohia Timr^ "I wonder why the Mi>od Kraaoa. At a social gathering a widow d(H not engage in tripping the light fantastic toe A gentleman approached her sod asked: "Are you going to danoe this even ing?" "Not until after midnight" "Why not before?" "Because to-day la the anniversary of my second husband's death.*—Toxs# Siftings. Spurgm>fi'i LlUlt l'raoa. Rev. C. 11. Spurgeon used to bs veiy fond of puzzling his friends with words which have a double meaning. Otts Thursday evening, after the uansl wonk uiglit service, he thus addressed his deacons: "Brethren, 1 think it is much too bad that not a single deacon followed me on the platform in time for the service this evening." Th~ deacons at once tar ran to exonerate themselves. One said: I beg your pardon, sir, but 1 uppnsd the door for you to go down to the ros trum and at once followed yon,* sod •evcral others stated that ibmf wars' sloae behind the first speaker. Here was a dilemma, the beloved and highly respected pubtor saying one thing and the faithful and devoted deacons stat ing just the co ntrary After a ftew winutcs' silence the pastor with s smile brlghteuiog hi* ho.aely j-r.intonsiMß! -wplied "I nm right in ~/iag not a nngfe deacon followed me, ssyOßWfls fll married." _