VOL. XXVIII PROFESSIONAL CARDS. JOSEPH W. MILLER, M. D. Physician 1 Surgeon, OlT.ce and resMfno - Main St. Batter. I n. Dr. N. M . OVER, W7 E. Wajße.si ~ ofllie bouts, to to 12 M. onct 1 lo 3 P. M. L. M. REINSEL, M. D, lImiCUK AND SI'BUKO.N. 1 mice an-l residence at 127 K. ("tinnlnshiim St, L. BLACK, IHVSHIAS ANI) BCItIiKON, New Trculman linllding, Butler, I'a. E. N. LEAKK. M. !>. J. K. MANN, M. t>. Specialties: Specialties: liyna-cototj unii sur- Kye, Kar. Nose ami uery. Throat. DRS. LEAKE & MANN, Bulier, Pa. G ZIMMERMAN. r.iv-tcivs a hckucok. ÜBice .1 .•>■'. 4">. s. Mitu s=rm. over fraiik & ( Ut'ii." Stur-. I'atler fa. SAMUEL M. BIPPUS. PQysician and Surgeon. iso. 22 E&-' .U tiersoo St , Ft tier, Pa. W. R. TITZEL. PHYSIC IAN ANU BURGEON. ». W.Corner Jli'lc aud Xc.rtb sts.. Cutler, Pa. V. McALPiNE, Dentist, Is now peimaEently located at ISO South Jtalii Strut- Bulier, I'a., lu roon;s fonuerly ;ccouplotl by Dr. WaUlrou. J. J. DONALDSON, Dentist. Butler, Penn'a. TfctL Inserted cn the latest lrn uhjm.l I'IUD. liolU HUluk a specUilly. OfflCc c\er S< caul's < lotbiCK Store. DR. S. A. JOHNSTON. DENTIST, - - BUTLER, PA. All work pertjunlnit t" the profession, eiecut ed 111 the neatest maimer. Specialties (Jold Killings, and trivctiou of Teeth, \ italized Air artnnnlsteied. OWc* on Jcir*r*oß Street,one door Eml oftowrj SUir*. on.ice open daily, except Wednesdays an : Thursdays. Coniniunlcation* liy mail receive prompt attention, S. IJ.-Tlie on!) Dentist in iJuller using the ln«t nmkch of teeUi. c. F. L. McQUISTION, KNCIXKEK AND SLRVEYOK, Otnci nkah Diamond. Bctlfk, Fa. H. Q. WALKER; Att«r 1 ey -L' -La*- Cffie 111 Dlcnioud Blixk Duller. I'a. J. M. PAINTER, Aitot ney-at-Law. omct—l-eiwtea tVst'itlice unci IHiimorid, Hut ler, I'a. A. T. SCOTT, attop.n ky-at-LAW. Office :'.t So. *, Scutli l'iswond, Butler. Pa. A. M. CHRISTLEY, ATTORNEY AT LAW. Officfi seconrt floor, Anderson B1 k, near < '< Kit llctisi?, Butler, Fa. J. W HUTCHISON, ATTORN F.Y AT LAW. Office oil HCCOJUI door of the Husclton block, Diamond, Puller, Pa.. ltoi>m No. 1. JAMES N. MOORE, AITOHNIY-AT-LAW AND NOTART PUBLIC. Office, in Room No. 1. second floor of Iluselton Block, entrance on Diamond. IRA McJUNKIN. Attorney at Law, Office at No. U, East .leCer son St., Butler, Pa.; W. C. FINDLEY, Artomey at l.riv i:iui Real Estate Ajjcnt. Of Oce rear of L. Z. JlltclieU's office on north sl.le or Diamond, Butler, Pa. H. H. GOUCHER. Attorney-at-law. Office on second lloor of Anderson building, near Court House, Butler. Pa. J. b. BRITTAIN. Att'y at. Law—Office at S. K. Cor. Main St, and Diamond, Butler, l'a. NEWTON BLACK. Att'y at Law- South side of Diamond Butier. Pa. L. iS. MeJUiNKIN, insurance and Real Estate Ag't i; EAST JEFFERSON-BT. BUTI.ER, - PA. H r )iiK eoi ivn Muojal re Insurance Ot:. Office Cor, Main & Cunningham Ots, •3. 0. ROESSING, PRKSIDSNT. 11. C. UXINKM AN, BKOKKTABT, DIRECTORS; (J. C. !:.»•• mi!, Hemlcr-ion Oliver, J. L Purvis .lames Stcphensor, A. Tru: riuaii, H. P. Ilelnenimi, Alfred \V|. K, N. Wt'itzel. Dr. W. irviii, !>r Ktckenbacli, J. W. li'i.'kliart, ,D. T. Morris. S. M : JUHKIN, Agent. triJ'P I.'X_i , PA. 0 A. E. GABLE, "Veterinary Surgeon. Graduate of the Ontario Veterinary College. Toronto, Canada. I'r. Gable treats all diseases of the domesticated animals, and fiT*ke9 ridif!in>r, castration and horse den tistry H specialty. Castration per formed without clams, and nil* otber surgical operations perforated in the most scientific manner. Calls to any part of the country promptly responded to. Office and Infirmary ia Crawford's Livery, 132 West Jefferson Street, Butler, l'a. THE BUTLER CITIZEN. LOOK AT YOUR SHOES! DON'T YOU XEED A NEW PAIR? JOHN BICKEL, HAS JUST WHAT YOU WANT. If yoa ore in nt id of shoes or slippers of any kind, no matter «ha' style jou may want, call around and see us ami vve will suit and please ycu We haye now ou hand a !i»r-»e Hue of ladies Oxford ties, opera toe or common sense slippers, any material desired, all sizes and have them i'i widths Bto E. A lartre and complete line Gents low rnt shoes, Lawn TeDnis shoes and Wigwam slippers at a bargain. Fftir styles of n.< rjV. Pati nt L< .mI : s-boiw «l ?3 j>! r pair.. We hav«; at present, ao extraordinary larire ».! rk ->| ruenV, boy's and youthV fine eilf and lanararoo shoes which we an .'oiiijf to ch s> out before visiting the eastern markets to make my ia!l purcLasee. If yoa an- in nee i of any shoes visit our store and get a bargain Wc have siili ou hand 200 pairs chi'drens i is color - ippers, reg ilar price fio cents now on sale at 25 cents per puir Many styles of plow shoes, aod all grades <>f working shoes muting in price from 85c. to $1.50 v'.'e have s'.ill a lftrj/e stock of the "Eureka" shoe at $1 25 which s-Hin.- to be everybody-, fivyorite. C ill and get a pair aud get a shoe that will wear and give entire fiitisficlion. 125 pair Gossamer calf shoes regular price $2 25, at $1.75, sizes 0 to LADIES SHOES. We can iuw show a better and finer selection of ladies and mi.-s;t.lug to give y< u more iben value for it, for wc need the menev and no- ii.•- goods Call and uet a bargain <■( a lifetime iu ibis grand sacrifice sale. Now is your time to buy. Grat a bargains in seasonable goods u:«l from the immense assortment which we carry you can never fail to rind what you want in footwear and what will suit you. Aa irnaicD.se business enables us to name the very lowest prices tor reliable goods Boots and Shoes Made to Order Repairing neatly and promptly done either in kather or rubber goods At all times a full stock of oilmrtis box-toed boots end shoes. At all times a full stock of Lejitlier and Findings. When in ueed of anything ia our line give me c call. Orders by mail will receive same attention as if brought in person Yours truly, JOHN BICKEL. Numbers l%iß S. Main Street. SUTLER, - -- -- - PENN'A Vmm V T mtkMMw fi»Mf!) HuBEI ' T0 * vs MMh quite as naturally drift to the store 1 il Wr//'i IhVll) Lm \ ' !f | l tha* best s.rvo their interests as ' \\' J0 J I P A" water flow* down hi!l t^ \K^Vy yT;( HpM '/Vl Here at l^e « rPllt - c hoe retailing I 1 \ Tvfl ft |i > headquarters of Butler low prices aud All J J*vjy P./ /. depeuduble poods eo band in glove. '' g j-X i i fJJ One cm always rest assured of pet jf/j/S' ' *' u £ u -' for your money here, sometimes more than full value. Ladies our prlceswlll open your eyes as well as your purses. Below are a few prices: Ladies kid button hoots, handsome styles, only $1; lwdies genuine dori gola button boots, handsome styles, only $1 25; ladies genuine dongoln but ton boots, very Cue, only $1.50; kdies genuine dongola button boots, the finest you ever taw, only $2; ladies bright dongola, baud turned shoes, a very line and comfortable shoe that holds its own with any .$3.50, here at only $2.75 We Lave ladies fine dongola tops, calf, patent" leather, vamp hand turns, only $3 75. Ladies lace Oxford Southern ties and Opera slip pers, for which we are justly celebrated for having the laj«est stock, best styles and best of all tjie lowest prices, has and is selling large quantities of these shoes Our line in men's, boy's and youth's shoes is gland—not equaled in Cutler. We have fr-jni a good plow shoe or brogan at $1 up to the finest hand sewed shoes iu all widths aud shapes. Gentlemen step iu and try on some of the fhoes we offer in Con gress at sl, $1.25 aud $1.50; I) calf dress shoes, no seams, full quarter, plain or tipped, solid leather insoles and counters It yon wont finer look at o:r calf shoo at $2; calf Kangaroo, soft as a glove at $2.50; a better end finer ones at $3 75; the finest English Cordovan, hand made at $5.75, all widths; don't forget our $3 lino, they are beauties. Men's fine patent leather shoes byciele shoes, base ball shoes. Infants shoes at 25e. p 50c. ODd 75c. Misses fine .shoes, heel or spring at sl, extra fine at $1.25, $1.50, $1.75 ond $2, siz -s 11 to 2; children's 5 to 8 at 500 to $1; youth's shoes, buttou or luce, strong and durable at $1,51.25 aud $1.50, 11 to 2; boy's button, lac-- or Congress at sl, $ 1.25,$ 1 50 and $2, plain or tipped, solid to the core. Lawn Tennis shoes at 50c a pair. Maii orders for above shoes filled promptly and carefully. B. C. HUSELTON, 102 N Main St., Butler ...() U R— "NEW FINISH" KID BUTTON SHOES! IN Opera and Common Sense, is a shoe that can scarcely be distinguished from the genuine French Kid article and is very durable, splendid fitting and most elegant appearing. It has a very flexi ble sole, making it extremely easy and comfortable to the foot. We sell it for It has eclipsed any line we ever offered in point of popularity. All sizes in stock. Mail Orders Filled Promptly AL. RUFF, 114: South Main Street. Hvitler, l J a AMANDA'S J3URDENS. Thoy All Vanishod After Sho Dis covered Hor Riches. II E was no longer little ij?\ -J Mandy. \x She had grown to be a V sKSiS large strong / toNi P ;r '. with red ./ J| cheeks and \ brown eyes of good nature. ». upon Amanda's arul fn j°J her tea' .jt- blushes when strangers spoke ■' V hail been ac- U counted pretty ' 1 ami what was * much better—a good girl. l!nt now, since her thir teenth birthday, a sad change had come over Lcr. A frowu often settled 'upon her once smooth forehead, and she went about her daily tasks not with the old-time s! Ips nnd songs and smiles, but in a lis ties . disconsolate way that di.'e than ever discontented, if not positively ■ nviot,;. For days she dawdled ::. her work; jerked aair. Jinkutn anil Mivs Amanda see how 'Oll you can write." Thus called a little sunny-haired fellow of seven years came forward and present ed hi.- slate from under his right arm, and for the first time Amanda saw that the boy had lost one arm at>ove the el bow and the other at the wrist- Sev eral sentences had been written on his slate in a beautiful round hand. "Why, how could he clo it!" Amanda exclaimed, excitedly. "Show Miss Amanda how it is that you write," said the mother, fondly. Johnny carried his I:. t uto the table, and picking' up hi - pencil with his lips, pushed it nnd. r the wrist band and wrote a line exceedingly well. "By and by," said the mother. "I shall earn Johnny a pair of artificial arms. Dr. Ila'l says he can have them fitted beautifully. lie knows a young man who was blovi n away from a can non anil los- t!i arms: but since he pot his new one • he has become a tele graph operator. V\ e are g'.itiijy to maltc an operator out of Johnny here." Johnny nodded in a matter of fact way as if that business were already settled. "O. yes; Johnny will make his mark in the world, if he hasn't any hands," (.aid Mrs. Krown. in a calm, cheery tone, without an atom of emotion; and then she told how he played marbles and threw stones with his toes. Once outside the house Amanda hastened to ask her father how Johnny Brown had met with his bad fortune. Her father told her that the family ha«l once lived close beside a railroad track. Johnny was but a creeping baby at the time of his accident One day he managed to crawl unobserved in front of a passing locomotive, and the miscliic-f was done. "The father is a crreat invalid,'' Mr. Jinkum continued, ";::id the eldest boy a cripple; yet tlie m .tii r never repines, but yladly supports tiuiii all 1 >3* taking in washing. I doubt if there is a hap pier woman in town than she." In the same block f.i'J.i -r and daugh ter made another call, and were asked into a very pretty ;.ii Mrs. Arnold, a tall and rather stately woman, was not unknown to both the callers. She greeted them with smiling {Trace. Mr. Jinkum hud called to leave a parcel of sewing. No sooner had they entered the room than a tall slender girl, fully as tall as Amanda, came slowly and tremulously forw arJ. and laying her emaciated arm over.Luanda's shoulder, said in uncertain, lh-pir.;,' tones, like a child of thiv. or four yaars of age: "Why—didn't you be tall as me?" In health .she must have been a girl of rare promise aud beauty. The hair clustered about her forehead in masses of dark curl . Hut the muscles of her fa A- ware •-■."> tantly twitching, her (fait was uneven and unsteady, and it could be easily seen that the poor young creature v. as a mere wreck of lil'e and health. At the door Mrs. Ar nold remarked that Georgiana was growing steadily worse. "You saw the tall fender about the stove?" she continued. Amanda nodded. "Shj has fallen on the stove once, and so we got the fender." "Oh, I can tell you." she continued, "there are some things harder to bear than death. She had six of those dreadful fpasms yesterday." All this was said with a gentle, tearless smile or with firm lips clo/ed, r.s if the cou cealmentof anjruish had l>ecomc a fixed habit. Mr. Jinkum drew his daughter's arm within his own and the two walked on in silence. Life at the farm soon took on a somber hue. Little Willie grew worse. The thoughts of the household were centered upon him. Amanda gave up her school. It seemed as if the mother never left the bedside of her sick boy. Amanda had. along with the dull pain at thought of losing the little darling of the household, the intoler able stin T tfj % S w "\ \ • 1 ajjpt, __ "* _V L""-"'- - '-j- • • 4 John I'll wat h here 'till she goes by, an' if she reads what I've writ on that stone an don't shriek nor faint dead away, then I kin make up my mind she don't love me! —Life. A r.a»i:i»ss Ilrain. Young Lady—l called to make some inquiries regarding your terms for di vorces. D-.X'S getting a divorce take long? Divorce Lawyer—Not very. "Is the consent of the husband neces sary'.'" "Not at all." "Can you get alimony?" "Depends on the circumstances." | "i mean if the husband is very rich?" ; "Oh, yes. usually. Do you think of separating from your husband?" "I haven't any yet. but in£ folks are \ bound and determined I shall marry old Bullion, and I thought I'd better consult j you first." —X. Y. Weekly. Xot the Most J'rolltable System. Owner—Let me see; it's about a year since we stopped publishing scandals .and other trashy news, and receiving 1 false advertisements, isn't it? Editor—Just a year. Owner—What was our circulation be fore we stopped? Editor —Twenty-two thousand Owner—What is it now? Editor —Six thousand three hundred ; j and seventy-eight to-day.—Judge. A Center Shot. "Now, Johnny, if six men can do a : piece of work in one day. how long will i it take one man to do it?" asked a New York teacher of a sharp little boy. "The school-teacher is a blamed fool if he thinks I can answer that question," j whispered Johnny in a low voice to the j next boy. "Speak out, Johnny: I dare say you are right," replied the pedagogue.— j Texas Siftings. Giving Biw Fair Play. Judge Lynch—Have you anything to say, prisoner, why sentence of death should not be carried out on you? Prisoner—Merely this—that I am not guilty. Judge Lynch—Well, we can't accept that plea, but you'll have a chance to offer it in a higher court in about five minui.es. Let him Dill!—Mun- j sey's Weekly. ISottom Facts. Inquiring Advertiser —I see, sir, that , you state that your paper has the largest circulation in the United States. Now, can you swear to that? Newspaper Manager—Certainly, sir; its circulation outside of the United j States is very much smaller than it is inside the United States! —Leslie's Illus trated Newspaper. A ('undid Afowa!. Algie -What an unromantic girl Miss Clioteau is! She shocked me terribly last night. Charlie —Indeed! How was that? Algie —At parting I asked her for a little kiss, and she said that she came from St. Louis and her mouth wasn't built for little kisses. —Munsey's Week ly. A Kiirai Ijjnoramus. Pretty Girl (at summer hotel) —Who is that handsome stronger at the next table? Favorite Waiter—l don't know, miss; some country gawk, I s'pose. He don't know notliin' 'bout fash'n'ble life. "Indeed! Why do you think so?" "He's sittin' there starvin' instead of feein' a waiter an' gettin' somethin' to 1 eat." —N. Y. Weekly. A I Jilque ('out it. Hundreds of people think they can sing." "Hut Swayback never tries." —Life. A Feathered Alarmist. "Mr. Carter, I'm 'most afeard we won't wake up at four in the mornin", so I've had ICitridge bring up our ole rooster t' tie t'the leg o' yer bed. He ginerally begins t' crow 'bout that time in the mornin', an's purty sure t' wake up folks wot hain't used t" hearin" "im." —Harper's Bazar. Amur tin in Irae. Ethel—Boohoo! I'm sure that Charlie doesn't love me any more! Maud —What makes you think so? Ethel —Why, we haven't had a quar rel for four or five days.—Munsey's Weekly. An Imposiibility. Maud —Charlie promised to think of mo often while he is away. Ethel —Did he really? 1 had no idea that he could think at all.—Chicago Saturday Evening Herald. Evident** Conclusive. Dummit—Miss Summit looked at me through her lorgnette yesterday, llummit—What did she do that for? Dummit (sadly) I suppose she didn't want to see me. Puck. Truth Is Mighty. Guest—Have you any spring lamb? Candid Waiter Yes, suh, we've got jome of ther springiest lamb yon evah bit into. —Good News. Not Alarmed. Fir«t Socialist—You arc becoming proud and haughty. Beware the fate of Marat! Second Socialist —That fate can never be mine. Marat was killed in a bath- j tub.—Jury. Pertinent Is Impertinent. "I ain't so fond of American things," said Chappie. "I am awful stuck on whatever's English—l admit it." "Why don't you try speaking it, Mr. Swelton?" asked Penelope.—Munsey's Weekly. One Less. Anyway. "Henry," she whispered, "why don't you say something?" "Because," he answered, between his , teeth. "1 have just swallowed a mos quit >, and ■! >:i't want him to escape."— Judge Out-lleroliuj- Herod. "1 w. i.der at tin* number of children of respectable parentage offered for adoption." "Well, you ,ee, a Tea;, masiv very re sp rt.ible * have to live mi ti;;t* " Puck. ALBERT EDWARD. till G*m« at the tiulio of IMrhmond'i Country Scat Some Year* Ago. It is not generally known that tha prince of Wales* breach of hospitality in playing baccarat in defiance of the express wishes of his host at Tranby Croft was bv no means lii i lirsi offense against the laws of hospitality and also of p«od taste, says the Xew York Re corder. He acted in very much the same fashion some years ago at > iood wood, the country seat of the dulce of Kichmoml. liver since his marriage the prince of Wales has lieen in the habit of visiting the duke during tho annual! Sock! vood races, with the prin cess and a la:;;v party of royal guests. The dnke of Richmond, who is now an old man. is very independent of mind and possesses great force of character. His horror for gambling is well known, and when, a few years a-_ r o, the prince's taste for baccarat lie came the talk of London, the duke, on the occasion «-f t'.ie heir apparcnt's n -xt visit, told him of his aversion t » games of hazard, and exacted a pledge from him that under no circumstances should baecarat l>e played during his stay. The duke makes an invariable rule of retiring ever} night punctually nt ten o'eloek, no matter who is present, and, confiding in the promise of the prince, although it had been -mcwhat reluct antly given, the old p. r went quietly to bed at his usual time. On the third day f the races, however, the duke, who had as usual bidden his royal guests good night at ten o'clock, had occasion to come downstairs about an hour later. His horror and indignation may be better understood than described at finding the whole royal party seated around a table in the library and play ing baccarat for very high stakes, with the prince of Wales acting as banker! Sojgreat was the duke's wrath that he openly protested to the prince against the way in which his confidence had been betrayed, the latter presenting but a sorry spectacle during this algarade, for he could find no go»xl excuse for his extraordinary behavior. The card party was broken up in great coufusion, and it was never re sumed during that or any of the subse quent visits at Goodwood. HER ANGELIC COUGH. By Moan* of It She Set tlx© Whole Con* grcgatlou Going. She had one of those sweet, angelic faces, with great, prayerful gray eyes, and no one would think there was any thing of the joker about her. She sat in her front pew in one of the fashion able up-town churches, says the New York Times. Her pretty head was bowed over her prayer book. All was as quiet as a tomb in church, and the silence seemed to impress her. Sud denly she looked up and her great gray eyes quickly surveyed the crowd of si lent worshipers. Then just the faint est suggestion of a laugh crept into her gray eyes, and she coughed two or three cute little coughs. Then the head went down over the prayer book again and the smile on lier face broad ened as her neighbor coughed, and her neighbor's neighbor coughed, and the cough was taken up here and there and everywhere until the once silent taber nacle had the sounds peculiar to the consumptive ward in a big hospital. As the sweet young lady with the big eyes came out of church she was heard to say to her escort: "Now, you see that coughing in ahureh is largely a matter of lial/t. One person coughs, and the rest of the songregation follow suit. I know it was very wicked of me, but when I looked up and noticed how silent every body was I had to try tho experiment of seeing how many people would cough if I did. It was such fun." SEEING THINGS GROW. The Rapidity with Which ;the Gladiolus Springs Into Life. Did you ever actually see tilings grow? In the spring and summer days you :>ftcn sec a tree with buds just ready to explode like popcorn, and, like the corn, Ehauge suddenly to masses of fluffy white. You walk by it and it is still corn. When you return it has popped. But did you actually ever see the explo sion, or better yet, see the growth when there was no alarm to call your atten tion to the change? asks the Nev» York Tribune. Weil, lie down some day be side a gladiolus bed after reccn rain and sunsliino have made a thin crust over tlieearth,and when the greenspears are just beginning to push through it. You will seo some cracks in the crust, and by and by a little trapdoor will begin to lift, as though some small Titan were struggling underneath. Look sharply now, for if you do not you may turn your wandering eyes back to find the green laborer pushing at the door without you having seen him come. Soon he will throw back the eover on its hinges and stand there for the first time in the sunlight an inch above the ground. All this may be done even in an hour. Few things grow faster than the gladiolus. The Ouij Continental Flu;. It is believed in Philadelphia that tho only one of the original continental flags in existence is in the possession of the city troop of that city. The old flag is spread between two large pieces of plateglass, which keep the air from it. The probabilities are that were it removed from this case it would fall to pieces. In design it is somewhat similar to the English jack. The design was made by a committee, of which Benjamin Franklin was a member, in 1770. A few years later the first Ameri can standard accepted by congress waa submitted and adopted. Prevention of Imprudent Hoi-rowing- The Egyptians had a very remark able ordinance to provent persons from borrowing imprudently. An Egyptian was not permitted to borrow without giving to his creditor in pledge the body of his father. It was deemed both an impiety and an infamy not to redeem so sacred a pledge. A persoa who died without discharging that duty was de prived of the customary honow paid to the dead. No Kind ot a T>llo%r. Julia —I declare, I think there's no spirit in Harry. lie offered to kiss mo last night, but didn't. Ethel—Why not? Julia—Just because I told him to stop. —Boston Herald. HP Was Tired of It. "Young man, what tunc is that you've been whistlin' all the mornin'?" "That? That's an air from 'Lucia.' " "Well, don't you think a change of air is sometimes beneficial?" —Harper's Bazar. A Cruel Answer. Maud —Oh, I'm invited to the Way ups' ball; but I don't know what in the world to wear. What would you wear if you had my complexion? Slillicent—A thick veil. —Boston Cour ier. A Good Reason. Customer—Your ten-cent shine isn't as good as your five-cent one. Bootblack—l know it, sir; that's the reason I charge more. They injure my reputation.—Puck. sinltliers Knew. Miss Wilkiua—Ah, what a change one littlo woman can make in a man's life. Mr. Smithers—Exactly; and what a heap of change she require# while do ing it.—Jury. In the MhUt ot the Fight. Ali s. H.—They say a man never mar ries hi* first love. Ilcr Hubby— lie ean't» it would b« LI/#. Oar of I linu.aad*. Theorizer—l can't understand it, I really can't, llere you 'eft a comfort able home in Europe and came to this country because you wanted to be your own landlord, yet you settle right down here in a big city and pay more reul for a dingy slum cellar thau you paid in Europe for your whole farm. Why don't you go west, where you can get land for nothing, or else go back to your pastoral home in Europe? New Arrival—The west is too far to walk, and Europe is too far to swim.— Good News. V Satiafaetory Criterion. Brer Koach - Who dat man I pass yonder look in' so mad. Brer Siinvuu? I'.rer Sim Tun —Hit's a feller naiaed Dodgy nee*, which he's mad cause I would'n' len' him fi' cents. When dti sheriff sole ole marster out. 'fo* <1«- wah, dat niggah did'n' fetch but seveu hun i dred dollars, an' dat's my opinion of um now." —Harper's ltazar. "CIGARETTECUTE." A speedy and painless mode of execut ing our criminals.—Judge. A IJui'ty Connclrnee. Tiff Johnson went out fishing again one day last week. He had a nice lunch fixed up. but upon Arriving at the creek he discovered that he had lost it, so he retraced his steps. Meeting a large, satisfied-looking negro who was pick ing his teeth. Tiff asked: "Did you pick up anything in the road?" "N'o, sah, 1 didn't pick up nuffin'. Couldn't a dog hab found it, and eat it up?"— Texas Siftings. Accommodating. "They tell me you and your wife have separated. How came it to pass?" "To please others." "Please others?" "Yes, I married just to please others, and in » month or two everybody said we wouldn't live together very long. So I left her. I knew it would please the folks to fulfill their prophecies."— Boston Transcript. Thing* That Take Time. liunce —Bowser, you've had that news paper two hours; aren't you nearly through with it it? Bowser—Yes; I've read the Csdsly di vorce case, the Bowery double murder, the St. John's choir scandal and the Jamaica Plains ghost story. I've only to read the foreign news, the domestic politics and the market reports. Give it to you in five minutes.—Puck. "Tlip I.ay of the l4Ut Mlnfttrel." Primus —Briggs has been courting an heiress, who, by the way. was old enough to be liis mother, but she mar ried bis rival. secundus Yes, I know; and yet Briggs'sent them an epithalamium he wrote and set to music. Primus—Very generous. Was it sung at the wedding? Seeundus —No. The tune was "Old Hundred." —Life. Doing Time for Time. Prison-Visitor —And what brought you here, my poor man? Convn't —Ilavin' too much time on me hands. Visitor —Ah! idleness is indeed the parent of crime. Convict —That ain't it, boss. I was caught with three watches in me pock et that I couldn't account for. —Judge. A Delay In the Proceeding*. Mrs. Slimson (to little Willie Slimson, who has been taking in the ball game} —So that's where you have been, is it? You just wait until your father gets home, young man, and he will give you a good trouncing! Willie (confidingly)—He won't be home xi't awhile. He staid for the last inning.—Harper's Bazar. Ecclesiastical Item. Teacher—What are the names of the seven days of the week? Boy—Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. "That's only sue days. You have missed one. When does your mother go to church?" "When pa buys her a new hat."—Tex as Siftings. I'osltlre i'roof. Returned Explorer--Don't you believe mv statement th.it I reached the north pole? Scientist Not ivTlhout further proof. Explorer—Well, here is positive proof. This block of wood is a part of the pole which I cut off with mv own hand and brought home. —M unsey's Weekly. All Offset. He —Geraldine, you do not love me. She—Have I broken our engagement? lie—No; but you wore Capt. Farrnr'a flowers to-night instead of mine. She —But yesterday I ate your bon bons first.—Judge. Best They Could Do. Mr. De Quaker —So the Westends have gone to New York. They move in the best society, I presume. Miss Dibble (of Philadelphia)— Well, y-e-s, that is—the best society in New York —N. Y. Weekly. A Correct Hill. Showman —Look here. \ our bill says: "Forty-nine days' board for cam el!" You've only had him seven days. Keeper—That's all right; that camel has seven stomachs. See?— Puck. On Her Face. Miss Spry—Jane hates the smell of powder. Miss Envious —And yet she has it near her all the tinae.— Judge. An Incomplete Set* Mrs. Be id—Have you got Scribbleton's complete works? _ < Bookseller—No, ina'art; he isn't dead vet. Puck. A Safe Offer. Enterprising Boy (who reads the pa per)—Fatlder, a button manufacturer at Barmen vill pay 8230 to effery man killed in a railway accident if he vear six of dose buttons vat he seU. Parent (a clothing dealer)—Dat's goot. I make me dat advertisement right avay. I sthamp my name on all dos« pants-buttons, and I vill offer S-SO every dime a customer gets killed on a railroad if he vear my pants mit six of my buttons on. "Subbose many gets killed It cost# you—" "It cost me noddings. Dose buttons all fly off vile de customer is running to catch dat train." —Good News. Strictly .lia.lncM. Old Gent—l understand, sir—in fact, I know —that you and my daughter are edging very rapidly toward matrimony. Penniless Suitor —It is true, sir, and, although I am obliged to confess that tt will have to l>c a case of love in a cot tage, I hope— . "Say no more. Love in a cottage ia the true ideal of happiness. You have my consent—" "Oh, thank you." "Providing you can show mo the deed for the cottage. Good day."—Good News. INTO. 38 Swing His Rapier'. Sampson was a clerk for one day only at the mammoth establishment of Wil liam Bohson. in Dallas, Tex. Bobson, although very wealthy, is also very illit erate. He was writing a letter, when he looked up ami asked Sampson Jen nings-. who was at the next desk: "How do you spell inducement—with a -c' or an's'?" "Don't know," responded the new clerk. "All the" clerks 1 ever had except you knew how to spell." "So did all the bosses I erer had," re plied Jennings. The entente rurJiaU was spilled over the floor, and a new man stands at the desk formerly <« upied by Sampson Jen nings.—Tex; - Sittings. Clt-tiioe to Save Money. Agent -I am ii-f rmed, sir, that you arc about to build a new house, and I should like to soli you a book on archi tecture. Mr. Suburb—Don't want it. Agent—lt may save you a lot of money, sir. May I inquire what sort of a house you int.-ml to erect? Mr. S.—l have accepted a plan for a I 53,000 house. Agent (triumphantly)— Well, sir, this book shows you how to build a $5,000 house for only 810,000. —N. Y. Weekly. Benefit* of Banking. George—l say. Jack, change me a five, won't you? Jack—l haven't more than enough for lunch and car fare in my pocket. Fact is, 1 don't carry money loose in my pockets any more. 1 put it in the bank and pay by check. "I don't care to l>other with checks. I always carry money in my pockets, and I never miss a cent"" "Y—e—s. but you are not married." —N. Y. Weekly. Moat Be Conalstent. '"Gentlemen." remarked Jones to the seconds of a man whom he had unin tentionally offended, and who had called to make arrangements for a duel, "I will fight your principal with swords, pistols or any other weapon he may select; but I must insist on one condition —on no account must a drop of blood be shed. I have just joined the anti-vivisection society."— Judge. An Inference. Little Fanny (to her twin sister) — Mr. Smith kissed Aunt Flora last night. I heard her say so. Mamma (overbearing)— Come to me instantly, Fanny. What do you mean , by telling such a story? Fanny (stoutly)— Well, I heard auntie say she had something from Mr. Smith's own lips, and what else could it have been? —Harper's Barar. ••A FREAK"—A BLIND FAINTER. —Harper's Bazar. Itu« in Urbe. She—Your society refreshes me preatly. He —Thank yon. Then you won't mind if I stay another hour? She—O dear, no! You have such a country air about you it's a perfect pic nic to be in your presence.—Life. Safety Amorril. Mr. Winks (solemnly)—A noted phy sician says that deadly bacteria lurk in bank notes, and many diseases, es pecially smallpox, arc spread that way. Mrs. Winks—Mercy on us! Give me all you have, right off. I've been vac cinated, you know. —Good News. I.oaing o Grand Opportunity. "Henderson has no sentiment," said Marie. "Don't you thinfe he has?" "No. I refused to marry him and he hasn't plunged madly into dissipation, or done anything to show that he la i blighted being."—Judge. Important Information. A smart Galveston boy coming to New York on one of the Mallory steam ers said to the engineer on the boat: "You will get your discharge if you ain't more careful." ''What for, sonny?" "You forgot to wind up that eloek; the hands haven't moved since we left Galveston," replied the youth, pointing to the steam gauge. —Texas Siftings. Only Two Thing* Left. "If a prominent man in England gets caught cheating at cards," said Scad dleberry, apropos of the Gordon-Cnm ming affair, "what becomes of him?" "There are only two things be oan do," said Lord Noodleby; "commit sui cide or accept a consulship, somewhere in Asia." —Judge. At the Opera. She —How eharming dear mamma looks to-night in the ballet. And grand mamma in the pink tights on the end seems real giddy. She is flirting des perately with that young English swell in the left box. He—Why, that is Swaggers. He told me to-night that he was about to elope with a ballet girl.— Life. Mucn Worse Ofll Haggles—Don't beg there. Them folks is wuss off than we are. Beery Ben —They don't show it. Baggies—Oh, I know 'em. They're tryin' to cut a dash on 32,400 a year and five children to feed. —Harper's Basar. WHAT SHE HAD IX IT. "Got cr toothache, Mary?" "Yep." • "Have yer got er cavity in it?" "Nop. I got cotton in it."— Golden Days. Wather W.ngh. "Gwacious," cried Cholly, suddenly, at dinner, "there are thirteen people at table." "Oh, no, Mr. Budd," whispered his fair companion, "only twelve people— and you."—Life. Far Different. A revivalist in the course of an ani mated exhortation exclaimed: "Ah, but Heaven is my home!" Just then a voice in the rear of thn hall shouted: "I thought you lived in Chicago!"— Judge. _ . .