VOL. XXVIII PROFESSIONAL CARDS. V. McAI.PINE, De: Is now permanently tr- it 1» South Main Street' Butler, fa., in lucmb formerly ccoupted l-y l>r. IValJrvn. Dr. N. M. HOOVER, IST K. Wajne St., offl;e hours. 10 to 12 M. and 1 io 3 P. M. L. M. REINSEL, M. D, Physician and Scbokox. Hri s,d< nee at 234 CrtUiam'yßtn-fct, OfDce Frank's drugstore. Main St. L BLACK, J'fJYPICIAN A*» VLJUIKON, New Tioutroan Bnllding. Butler, Pa. E. N. LE.vKK. M. D. J. E. MANN. M. D. Specialties: Specialties: liyiisecoli'gy and Sur- Kje, and Tnroau DRS. LEAKE& MANN, Butler, Pa. G. 1... ZIMMERMAN. 1-IIYSICIAN AND SCBABOX. t ut; ce No. 44, S. Main su-**t, over Prank A Co s L'i un Store. Butler, Fa, SAMUEL M. BIPPUS. physician and Surgeon. c!o. 22 East Jefferson St., Btlkr, Pa. W. R. TITZEL. PHYSICIAN AND SURGEON. S. w.CorLer Me Id and Nortb BU., Butler, Pi. J. J. DONALDSON, Dentist. Butler, Penn'a. Artificial Teeth Inserted tn the lateat im proved plan. Gold Killing a specialty. Offlco o»tr hcliaul's Clothing Store. DR. S. A. JOHNSTON. DENTIST, - - BUTLER, PA. All work pertaining to the profession; execut ed in the neateat manner. Specialties OoW Ftlllnp, and F traction ol Teeth. \ ltallzed Air •dmlnlaUwd. Ufflrc oa Jeffrrsoa Street, Saat *f L*wrj H.iU, t'p Htalrm. Office open daily, except Thursdays. Communication* by mail leewve prompt attention, S, B.— The only DentUt la Butler Mtagitto beat makes of teeth. J. W. MILLER, Architect, C. E. and Surveyor. Contractor, Carpenter and Builder, ilt.ps, plans, specifications and esti mates; all kinds of architectural and en gineering irnrk. No cbargo for drawing ii 1 contract the work. Consult your best in terests; before you build. Informa tion cheerfully given. A share of public patronage is solicited. P. 0. Box 1007. Office 8. Vf. of Coort House, BuUer, Pa. C. F. L. McQUISTION, fcXGISEEK AND SUBVEVOB, Orrici nkak Diamond. Bctlkb, Pa. J. M. PAINTER, Attor ney-at-Law. Office-- Between Vcstofltce and Diamond. But ler. I'a. A-. T. SCOTT, ATTOItNEY-AT-LAW. OlLce at No. «. South Diamond. Butler. Pa. A. M. CHRISTLEY, ATIOKNEY AT LAW. Ofllce scrolll» NOTAUT PCILIC. omce In Boom No. l. second floor of liuaelton Block, entrance on Diamond. IRA McJUNKIN. Attorney at Law, Office at No. IT, Eaat Jeßer bon St.. But ler. Fa., W. C. FINDLEY, Attorney at I«.» and Heal Estate Agent. Of flee ri ar of 1.. Z. Mitchell's office on north side oI Diamond, Butler, Fa. H. H. GOUCHER. Attorney-at-law. Office on second floor ol Anderson building, near Court llouse, Butler, Fa. J. K. BRITTAIN. Att'y at l.a\v—Olflce at 8. E. Cor. Main S», ana Diamond, Butler, Fa. NEWTON BLACK. Att'y at I^tw—Office on South side of Diamond Butler, Fa. A. E. GABLE, V eterinary Surgeon. Graduate of the Ontario Veterinary College, Toronto, Canada. Dr. Gable treats all diseases of tbe don>eet ic»!t d animals, and m?kM ridgliug, castration and horse den tistry a •>penalty. Castration per formed wi'bcot clams, and all other surgical operations performed in tbe mn«t ccientific manner. Calls to any part of the country promptly responded to. Office"and Infirmary in Crawford's Liverv, 132 West Jefferson Street, Butler. l*a. BU i'LB R COUNTY Mutual Fire insurance Co. Office Cor. Main & Cunningham Sti. •3. C. KOESiiING, P&bsidbht. it. C. HKINKMAN, Seohitabt DIRECTORS: O.l.'iHfsin*, Henderson Oliver, J. I. Ft.rvn, .(allies Stephenson, A. Trinitiiiiiii, H.C. Ilelnemsu, Allien V\ick. N. Weltzel. Dr. W. IrvM, Dr Rlckenbach. J. \V . Burkliart. D. T. Norris. LOYAL S. M'JUKKIN, Agent. jSTTTJL/Blt, JPA-. L. S. McJIjWKLV, Insurance and Real Estate Ag't 17 EAST JEFFEKBON.BT. BUTLER, - PA. THE- 7 BUTLER CITIZEN. WE AKEREADY lli To show you the largest and lowest priced stock of FU RN IT U R E in the country. Don't forget to call and see our Parlor Suits, (5 pieces, upholster ed in Crushed and Silk Plush. Two beautiful pictures and one handsome oak Parlor Table for SSO. We also have a Parlor Suit for #25, as follows: 0 chairs, upholstered in plush; 1 rocking-chair, up holstered in plush; 1 sofa, upholstered in plush; all for the low price of $25. Our oak bed-room suit for $lB can be bought only at our store for the price. We have China Closets for any price you w ant them from S2O up. Parlor Cabinets from $8 up. Side boards from S2O up. We have any kind of furniture at any price you want. Campbell & Templeton, 136 NORTH MAIN STREET. BUTLER, PA "GET THERE ELI!" Follow Dan McGinty, Annie Roonev and the rest of the crowd to JE. 8. DREW'S FURNITURE ROOM S, And Bee are the new pieces you will need after house cleaoing. Pick tbem out, make a deposit on tbem, and we will set them anidc un it yoa are ready for tbem. No trouble to show goods whether you buy or not. 128 JE. J eflerson tet.. - - - Hntler* Jr*a. Regarding Fne Clothes. As a new comer requesting a share of the pat ronage of this town and vicinity in my line, it befits me to make a few statements. I make a specialty of the higher grades of work; I keep in stock the finest quality of goods; I recognize the fact that a good fitting suit from my house is it's best advertisement, while a misfit con demns the cutter and tailor. I shall endeavor to send out the best fitting clothes to be found. I do all my own cutting. o—o The prices will be as low as can be made com patible with the quality of goods I shall adhere to. A full line of the latest and most stylish goods in stock. Call and see me before placing any orders. GEO. HABERNIGG, SR. MERCHANT TAILOR, 202 S. Main St., New Troutman Building, - - Butler, Pa. EVERr WATERPROOF ——————l THAT CAN BE RELIED ON B yo P frgQ* to SDllt ! THE MARK I ——————J BEARS THIS MARK. NEEDB NO LAUNDERINC. CAN BE WIPED CLEAN IN A MOMENT. THE ONLY LINEN-LINED WATERPROOF COLLAR IN THE MARKET. fGtt BREEDS VEttlsr * 0f&good house-wife.who uses SAPOLiO. il" is well s&idrThe mouse is muzzled in her houseVTry it and keep your house cle&n+All grocers keep it- Cleanliness and neatness about a house are necessary to insure comfort. Man likes comfort, and if he can't find ii a', home, he will seek elsewhere for it. Good housewives I-now that SAPOLIO makes a house clean and keep 3 it br:at. A harp and two violins were touched by the fingers of Italian wan derers. and the air was filled with mel ody. Miss Wilberforo ;'s fa: • showed timt she fully enjoyed the beautiful thoughts natural to the occasion. Mr. I'nder hill, tiK>, was pleasantly impressed, but he was not free from sadness. He re membered when a young woman as fair as the one beside him had been his companion in happy days of courtship, and he siglied -as he contemplated the wreck of the romantic dreams he had then entertained. Ha -ing hi.s eyes, he encountered the gaze of a haughty an l angry woman, who stood about twenty ice t from him. Completely thrown off his guard, he exclaimed: "Great heavens! there ismy wife." Much surprised, Miss Wilbcrforce looked first at Mr. Underbill and then at his wife. Miss Wilberforce blushed deeply as she bowed to Mrs. Underbill's companion, a young man of distin guished appearance, who gracefully raised his hat in recognition. After a brief, fierce gaze, Mr. and Mrs. Underbill, without bowing, turned aside their heads. "I did not know that you were a married man, Mr. Underbill," said Miss Wilbcrforce, in tones which showed that she was displeased, be cause the fact had l>een concealed from her. Feeling deeply the awkwardness of the situation, Mr. Underhill stammered out: "I —I am not exactly married." "What do you mean?" "Why, I—l mean that I am trying to get a divorce." . "Do you not love your wife?" "Well, I did love her; but she always wanted to have her own way, and I —l did not always want her to have it." "Perhaps you desired to have your way, too, and would not respect her wishes." Mr. Underhill moved nervously in his clKiir. "I would not be my wife's slave. It is humiliating for a man to be ruled by a woman." "I presume it is; and it is also humil iating for a woman to be deceived by a man." "My dear Miss Wilberforce, I can as sure you that I meant ntf harm, as I have intended to show 3-011 no more than friendly attentions. I thought it would be unnecessary and just as pleas ant not to mention the itisagreeable fact that I was seeking a divorce." "Undoubtedly it seemed better to you to take such a course." A long silence ensued, during which Mr. Underhill, a man both honorable and sensitive, felt, as the saying is, "completely used up." M. V.Y . r force's important reason for being disturbed was not known by her companion. For Henry Maitland, in whose conversation Mra. Underhill appeared to be much interested, she en tertained a tender feeling which slio had believed was fully reciprocated. At first she felt provoked that nenry should be with a woman about to bo divorced, but soon her fairness of mind caused her to think that Henry might, it' he knew the fact, justly criticize her for being in the company of the woman's husband. Miss Wilbcrforce possessed, in a re markable degree, the quick intuition peculiar to her sex, and, after watching the countenances of Mr. and Mrs. Un derhill for a few moments, and recol lecting that what Mr. Underhill had said showed that he still loved his wife, she came to the conclusion that they really desired a reconciliation, but that each was too proud to make any over tures. It was a peculiar situation, in which three, and perhaps four, persons were uncomfortable. The circum stances threatened to widen the gul between the estranged maij-ied couple, and to draw the lovers into a serious misunderstanding. Now, Miss Wilberforce, as iias been mentioned, did not possess an unbend ing will; she could yield to the wishes of others or make concessions for the benefit of her friends, when by so do ing she neither transgressed a moral rule nor compromised her self-respect. She was sensible, and did not believe ii% endangering the happiness of herself and acquaintances by maintaining a barrier of false pride. In reality her character was broader and stronger than that of persons who plume them selves on the possession of unbending wills. She believed that it only re quired a little judicious maneuvering to harmonize the relations of four per sons who were either jealous and angry or in some way dissatisfied and uneasy. Accordingly she resolved to act, if possible, as a messenger of peace. Her method was simple. Turning her face toward Mr. Maitland, she waited until she caught his eye, which was rather difficult to do, and then be witched him with an enchanting stnilc, at the same time deftly beckoning him to come to her. He hesitated, spoke to Mrs. Underhill, who frowned but ox cused him, and with an uncomfortable expression on his face wended his way slowly to where Miss Wilberforce sat. The young- lady greeted hlin cordially, In spite of hi.s evident embarrassment, and introduced him to Mr. Underhill, who nodded coolly, and did not offer to shake hands. "How happens it that you are with Mrs. Underbill to-day?" the fair maiden archly asked. Mr. Underbill's countenance flushed with anger anil he bit his lip. On the contrary, Mr. Maitland looked relieved, and eagerly answered: "It Is easily explained. Sfce is my cousin. My father was her mother's brother. As she has lived in the south and I in the north, it has happened that wo have never had Hit pleasure of inu lianb ol.hrr. until ali/ml a Wtiek ago. She is a very agreeable woman, I assure vow." The last remark caused Mr. I'nder hill to smile sarcastically; but Miss Wilberforce noticed that his face be trayed great relief and that he no longer regarded Mr. Maitland with hostility. The three chatted pleasantly for a few moments, and then Mr. Maitland started to return to Mrs. Underbill, who had been watching the party with feel ings that it would be hard to describe. Miss Wilberforce waited until her friend had retired a few feet, and then, as if she had forgotten something sho wanted to say, ran after him and at tracted his attention by touching his elbow. "I am «> glad yon are not in love with a married woman," she said with a mischievous smile which caused the young man to blush with pleasure. Miss Wilberforce made some hurried explanations and gave her companion some directions which he promised to obey. In a few moments the boat reached the wharf at Staten Island >' t of the people hastened ashore. It. .diss Wilberforce managed to detain Mr. Underhill, and Mr. Maitland also de layed the departure of his cousin. Con sequently the four suddenly found themselves together, with no witnesses near them. Miss Wilberforce gracefully stepped forward, and, taking the hands of the astonished husband and wife, said: "Now, please let bygones be by gones and be happy once more." Mrs. Underbill's eyes filled with tears. Her husband's will was bent, and the two, long estranged and lontf unhappy, clasped each other's hands and kissed one another with a deeper feeling of love than they had ever be fore known. The result was that Mr. Underhill accompanied his wife and Mr. Iflait land accompanied the charming Miss Wilberforce to see the "Fall of Baby lon." Four happier people never en joyed that gorgeous spectacle; for while the beautiful wedding procession, one of the most interesting features of the entertainment, was moving before their eyes, Mr. Maitland proposed to Miss Wilberforce and was accepted. —J. A. Bolles, In Boston Budget- Left to 111. Fate. Dashaway—You know Wangle, who treated me so badly; well, I got even with him the other night. I started to call on Miss Sandstone, and just as I was about to ring the bell I looked through the window, and saw he was there, and that she was singing to him. Clcverton —And then you went in and sat on him. Dashaway—No, I didn't. I went away and let her keep on singing.— Harper's Bazar. —"Are these mackerel quite fresh?" asked a lady of a ragged but pompous old colored fish peddler who came to her door. "Oh, yes, lady, pufleckly so, puffeckly so!"' was the reply. "Jess nostrilize them, and see." " 'Nostrilize' them? f*'hat do you mean by that?" "Why, lady," said the peddler, with a look indicative of pity for her igno rance, "smell 'em! src.ell 'em!" ABOUT DANCING. It 11*« Always liren a Popular Araoap mcut Origin of Danreii. From time immemorial dancing has formed one of the chief amusements of mankind. Repeated mention is made of it ia Holy Writ, and among the an cient Egyptians it constituted a very prominent and popular religious rite. Without a doubt the Israelites gained their knowledge of It dqring the days of their captivity in the land of the Pharaohs. The Greeks of the olden time indulged in war dances, chief among which was one that became fa mous under the name of the Pyrrhic dance. In this the dancers depicted the actions of a warrior engaged in do- Inff battle, the quick and agile move ments being made to the accompani ment of a flute. There were, we are told, two hundred different dances in vogue among these Greeks. In an cient Rome dancing was one of the chief features of tl*; magnificent fetes for which the Empire became so fa mous. One peculiarity of the principal dances of savage nations is that in nearly every instance they imitate the movements of animals. This is evi denced in the buffalo and bear dances of the North American Indians, the bear dance of the Kamschatkans and the kangaroo dance of the aboriginal Aus tralians. Among- Oriental nations the majority of dances arc perfo*ned by profession als, the private individual being- per fectly willing to pay to see others, but seeing neither rhymo nor reason in dancing himself. The Hungarians, Russians and Span iards have characteristic dances, most at which are performed by gypsys. The polka and redowa of the Hungarians, and the Spanish bolero, fandango and caehuca have become famous all over the world. The popular quadrille is said to have originated among tho Belgians. The waltz had its beginning in Germany and from thence was taken to France, shortly after which it was introduced into England. Hungary was the birthplace of the galopade, or galop, and from Poland came the stately polonaise, or polacca, and mazourka. One of the most noted methods of ''tripping the light fantastic" among the Scotch is the sword dance, which was originated by the Scandinavians and old Saxons, and at one ti me was indulged in by the Spaniards. The Irish reel and jig are two dances inseparably connected with oar Milesian brethren, and In many re spects greatly resembles the highland fling. In the majority of instances, there fore, our latter day dances ware known and enjoyed by our ancestors hundreds of years ago; and with slight modifica tions have been handed down for the edification of the present generation.— Detroit Free Press. I.anut it. Husband—That is terrible. What did the minister call for? Wife—Ho wanted to raise a subscrip tion for the Fiji islanders.—Judge. How >I« I(*»a«oneellevc» a wife ought to have it. Husband—Well, so do I! Wife—What, you do? Husband—Certainly. If you had plenty, you wouldn't ask me for sorno so often.—Boston Herald. INTERESTING CAPTIVE. Ho-.v Gou. Pry or Wa; Taken Pris oner at Petersburg. j«n. Cutch*»on T«IN th s:.»ry -An K*- of N%*\* •;» i;x*. % l.f.irl* to «»u» RrsaUt~o:i. l*T)*or'* itk :\ Hostile iCOFYhHiIIt, I'pon entering the hall of t • 3f repr sen!u'.ive:, i- ai.er: . i last iuni.'i.-r. I .v :i t.iil ; in with lo:i',- dark h lir, par ta moe t teat and g'i' t**"! . re' - !. . r np»»n the bra>s raii'.-ig n. ' ■ i:-. .i i entrance. Altli«.tig!» !>.• Ii : i mejtib. r>»f e»»n grvixs thirty-live there -..ere few si'u r timu '. i ii'■■> U.iir. He wore the •• ». ,u. i.i.il • . . it and Carrie i a s..ft felt hut its ! ,; s hands Not a ir;>re i 'ntativi >u tli • r*. o ruined bim. Qt i •. ted tin noil even the renowned >i."i Hanks. 1 had heard him ar , ea>e> ia tl.. .\e\. York courts r i had seen him at many a stats d - .K-r.uic , onvent: ru 110 was Gen. Ko._-er A. Pryor. form -rly f Vir giaia, now a judge of the supreme court in New Yor'c city. 1 r.a-s sur prise«l that no one addressed him. Whea t-jlil who he was, ny.-.ny Meral ers soti'rli an intr;r of tho house. Soci-.-tim- afterward Gen. Hjron M. Cutcheon of Mieliigan heard of the cir- Ouni -tance. ile expressed r. ivt that he had not met Gen. Pryor. lie told the story of the general's capture in front of Petersburg. A!? 1 ugh the story has often been I>lo we had had & very sharp engagement at Poplar Spring church, adjacent to the Peebles farm. Late in the fight I had been or dered to take iny regiment and deploy an a swamp. My brigade was to skirm ish there to protect the left flank of OEX. ROGER A. PItVOH. the army. While I was out to the left, beyond the swamp, a division of the sonfederate army crept in between the Fifth and Ninth corpf to my right. It got in the rear of otir division and f<>reed a part of it to fall back very rapidly, leaving me alone exposed beyond the swamp. We had a hard time to get out. I lost quite a number in killed, wound ed and prisoners. I shouted the num ber of my regiment repeatedly in rally ing my men and in drawing them out of the swamp. "All this is preliminary to what hap pened two or three days afterwards. It was on the morning of the Thursday or Friday following President Lincoln's re election. I was acting as division officer of the day. One of my duties was to ride the entire length of our division line to inspect it. I was to report evurything that appeared upon the Hire of an unusual character to the general commanding. I started upon the left of our line, where Fort Fisher was afterwards constructed. As soon as I came up to the out?r line, I saw a con federate officer opposft" on the rebel line. Ho rod ■ a lar iron gray charger —a fine horse. There was no tiring at the time. As I rode up on our side, lie gallantly saluted, no doubt recogaizing my rank and duty, which was apparent ly the same as hi; own. We rode each upon his own line until we came to a square earthwork, or what was called tho square level road. In passing through a piece of woods we lost sight of each other. As'we came out of tho woods the rebel officer rode upon the earthwork and waved a newspaper toward me. I understood what it meant. It was an Invitation to ex change newspapers. Gen. llartranft, afterwardgovernor of Pennsylvania, had joined me, and was sitting there upon his h >rse. He was corp; officer.of the day. I said: -General, what do you say? Shall I exchange?' " " 'Well,' he replied, 'I have no doubt U)ero would be something very inter esting in that paper. The confederate congress has just assembled, and it will contain Jeff Davis' message. I'll risk it. You may make the exchange.' "I had no newspaper with me, but llartranft had a copy of the Washing ton Chronicle and the Philadelphia In quirer. lie gave me those newspapers, and the officer on the other side ad vanced into a little hollow. Accompa nied by iny orderly I rode forward to meet him. Ilis orderly was with him. We ranged alongside of each other. I noticed that his revolver was pulled well down in front. So was mine. Wc maintained perf'-ct courtesy, however, lie saluted, and 1 did the same. " Tapt. Brown, of the First Virginia,' he said by way of introduction. "I replied: 'Col. f'nteheon, of the Twentieth Michigan.' " 'Oh!' he respmded, 'the Twentieth Michigan. I heard tho name the other day in the little affair of the "oth of September." "We exchanged a few words. Then he said: 'I would like to exchange par pers.' "I replied that 1 woidd be glad to ac commodate him. " 'I pulled out the two newspapers Gen. Hartranft had given rae ami passed thorn over. He pullelh Gen. Albert B. Potter, who commanded the Second division of our army corps. 1 was in his tent when a guard came to the door and rapped upon the tent-pole. "The general called out: 'Come in.' "Two guards wheeled around and brought in a prisoner. I sat on on> side of the tent. 1 recognized the prisoner as Capt. Brown. He was tall and com manding. His head was erect, his hair was long and his eyes were black* and 1 piercing. He seemed highly indignant. " 'ls this General Potter?' he asked. " 'lt Is,' replied the union general. " 'I am Gen. Roger A. l'ryor, of the confederate service,' the prisoner re plied. '1 have been basely trapped.' "I started in astonishment. " 'How Is that?' asked General Potter. " 'Well,'said l'ryor, 'I was invited out between the lines to exchange news papers. The pickets covered me with their rifles, and I was brought in here a I prisoner. I demand that Ibe released.' "'I don't know, general," replied Potter, "that I can afford you any re- I rri-ijcn OIT TWO NEWSPAPERS. lief. I think I will have to refer this up to headquarters.' '.'Soto headquarters Gen. l'ryor went. Tho rest I know only from history. He was taken to Gen. Meade. Gen. Meade sent him to Gen. Grant. Gen. Grant sent him to Washington, anil he wascon - fined for a time in the Old Capitol prison. Then he wrote a note U> John W. Forney, an olil friend of his in con gress. Forney became sponsor* for his good behavior, used his influence with the president and got him out. "In the tent, when he *aid that be was Gen. Itoger A. l'ryor, he turned anil looked at me. I arose and saluted him and said: 'Good morning, Capt. IJrown.' "lie smiled and turned, and we shook hands. He recognized me nt onec as the officer with whom he had exchanged papers on the preceding Friday morn ing. I suppose he called himself Capt. Brown on that morning to avoid recog nition." AMOS J. CCMMINOS. The Dlfforonco. Tillinghast Tho death of Mr. Feenanco was very sudden, wasn't It? Winebidille—lt wasn't a death. It was. a demise. Feenanco was worth two million dollars.—Judge. Ilia Whereabouts. Mr. I lingo—l met a polite ticket agent to-day. Mrs. 1 lingo—Where was he? Mr. Bingo—ln a dime museum.— Judge. Not (Jood for Much. Sympathetic Citizen —That wooden leg of yours doesn't seem to support you very well, my friend. Veteran- -No, not very well. The government allows me oily thirty dol lars per month (tension for it.—Harper's Bazar. A IMitrfMlnu MI»Uk«. Mother—What was the matter with Mr. Nifefello to-night? ile left rather early for an engaged young man. Daughter (beginning to sob) —He—ho began hugging and and kissing me, and I—l told him that wasn't right, and he —boo-hoo! —he stopped.—N. Y. Week ly- IJftruyrd Illmaelf. Harry —What business is Clara's fa ther in? Jack —He is an elevated railroad guard, I take It. Harry—That can't be. Jack —Well, he found me with her last night, and told me to "step lively!" —Munsey's Weekly. A Great Idu. Poet—l have An Idea that the land lady suspects that we are flying very close to the ground; can't wo do some thing to inspire confidence? Humorist—l have It! I will sue you for twenty thousand dollars. —Munsey's Weekly. r»ln Effort. Jonesliy—l understand that you write every month for the Century. Smithleigh Yes; every month for it. "But I never see your articles In It." "No; I write for it, but tho articles are returned." —Jury. Conclualve Kvid«ur«. Customer —You say this is a real an tique? Bric-a-Brac Dealer —It's ono of the finest pieces of work by one of the best ancient masters of the present day.— Jewelers' Circular. A Correction. I'pcreek —Conductor, where is the porter that belongs to this sleeping ear? Conductor If you require tho porter this car belongs to, I will call him if ho LB not engaged.—Munsey's Weekly. Would Kruii iulirr lltin. Barber —Havo I ever shaved you be fore? Victim—Gracious! I guess not; do you think I would come to you a second time? —Boston Herald. A Hoar Foiled* t. either. Bring me square bread, in thin slices, cut from the mid dle of the loaf." The waiter went back and returned in din- time v. ith a tray full of eatables which he unloaded on the table. "Take back this potato," said the gu.-t. "anil bring me one that has no specks. »l've g.-t no time to dig the specks out of potatoes. I told you about that." The potato was changed, and tho waiter asked him if every thing was all right now. "No," he answered. "This bread is not cut from t lie middle of the loaf. Take it away and bring mo what I yr dered." The bread was accordingly changed. "All right now?" inquired the waiter. "No! You've got some celery here that isn't properly bleached. Bring me the kind I ordered. And hold on! There ia a piece of skin on this fish. Take it back. I told you I was particular about my fish." The celery and fish were removed and brought back again in a few min utes with the objectionable feature* eliminated "Is it all right now?" asked the waiter "1 guess it will do," growled the guest, as he began to eat. "but if I was a kicker I'd kick about this fork and spoon. They don't exactly match."— Chicago Tribune. Hitter with IL< P*«et Anxious Mother (at a b*ll) —My dear,| you look tired. Sweet Girl—l'm most dead. Everyi bono in my body aches. I've danced! every dance r.o far, and I'm engaged fori ten more. Anxious Mother—No doubt the gen tleman will let you off. Sweet Girl - I don't wantto be let off. Anxious Mother —You say you are tired dancing. Sweet Girl—l am not tired being hugged.—N. Y. Weekly. An Antl-Can't Householder. Salvation Tramp—Dear sir, unless I get a bite of something at once I shall soon be dead. Pater l'ai.iilias—Poor man, you are homeless, are you? Salvation Tramp—Oh, no; Heaven ia my home. Pater Camillas —Here is five cents for some bread and butter—try to reach home as soon as possible.—Life. A Silly (Juration. "May I have the honor to conduct your daughter to the supper table?" asked a society gentleman of a lady from the country, who is staying with! some friends whrtra she is visiting. ' "May you take her to s"upper?" wsa the response. "Why, of course, and you may take jne, too. That's what w® came here for."—Texas Siftiflg*. Anxloua to Plraa*. "Pat, I thought I hired you to carry bricks up that ladder by the day." "Ye did, sore." "Well, I've l>ecn watching you and yon've only done it a half a day to-day. The other half you spent coming down the ladder." "Oi'll tliry to be doin' bctther to m'jrry, sore."-—Jury. Not Kxactly llltpmcd of. Brown—What became of that girl oi yours, who used to cost you so much money? Hughes—She's married now. "I suppose you are flusher, now that you have gotten rid of her." "Well, you see, I didn't exactly get rid of her. She's my wife now."— Light. Mrntul Phonograph*. He (after marriage)— What? Yon have no fortune? You said over and over again that yon wero afraid some one would marry you for your money. She- Yes, and you said over and over again that you would be happy with me if I hadn't a cent. Well, I haven't a cent. —N. Y. Weekly. In the i'lottlc Itoom. Representative Bustem (in the course of argument) If we are uot sent here to represent the ideas of our constitu ents, what are we here for? Kepi - -icntative Wire grass—Wa-al, so far as I kin see, 1 »vns sent here to rep resent the views of my wifo and the gals.—Puck. True Ile|>entanee. Little Harry—Paul struck mo with his shovel so hard he broke It. Mamma (astonished) — Where Is Paul? "He's gone into the house crying." "I should think you would be the one to cry." "Oh, he's crying because ho broke the shovel."—Light. A SLIGHT MIBTAKK. Father (coming in parlor in early morning)—l guess Clara and her feller must have had a scrap last evening, their chairs are so far apart. The scrap. -Jury. Kough on (>raodpi< The Old Lady (deaf)— llas your grand father quit smoking yet? The last time I saw him he told me ho was go ing to do so soon. Her Young Visitor—My grandfather died last week. The Old Lady (still deaf)— Yet? Has he quit mokingyet? —Jury. oue«tl"n of Time. Blushing Bride—l want to get a pres ent for my husband, but I hardly know| what to get- Clerk Why not get one of these nice) silk mufflers, to wear evenings? Bride Oh, dear, no! My husband never goes out nights. Clerk Well, you might get it for ncatl year.—N. Y. Sun.