VOL. XX, A. TEOUT MA N, DEALER IN DllY GOODS, NOTIONS. TRIMMINGS. Carpets, Oil Cloths, Rugs, Mats, Druggets, Stair Rods, Etc, FOKFALL. FOli FALL. New Black Silks. New Colored Silk?. New Colored Cashmeres. New Black Cashmeres. New Black Silk Velvets. New Colored Silk Velvets. New Colored Silk Plushes. New Black Silk Plashes New Shades Ladies' Cloth. 1 , New Dress Goods. i NEW ItlRKOffS, FISCHLS, TIES, UAff D SATCHELS, Gloves, Handkerchiefs, Towels, Corsets, Velvet Ribbons, Knitting Silks, Embroidery Silk on spools, all colors. .New Fall Hosiery, j Underwear for men, ladies and chil dren. Largest assortment, lowest, price. 3 . CARPETS AND OIL CLOTHS Carpet Room Enlarged. Stock En larged* Prices tlie Lowest. NEW FALL STYLES.—We are now prepared acd showing our entire Fall Stock oI Oil Cloths, in all the Newest Designs. OIL CLOTHS, 1 10.2 YARDS WIDE, Iff ALL QUALITIES. Please call and examine stock and prices. A. TROUTMAN. BCTLEK, PA. HENRY BIEHL CO, Dealers in AGRICULTURAL IMPLEMENTS. Remington Clipper Plow. IMPROVED KELLER DRAIN, SEED AND FER TILIZING DRILL, TOLEDO I. X. L WOOD PUMPS. I HIH Y The Celebrated American Fruit Dryer, or PNEUMATIC EVAPORATOR, It in portable, dara';!o, alwolntely tiro-proof, economical and will care fruit and vfgi Üblett in loss tinie and willi leem fuel linn n.y Diver in tbo market. It will pay for itcelf in lew than tliirtj darn if prcpoiy Ul< tided. ItH product H are uiihu u.at-kcd an to quality ki.d color.'and are in groat demand at high price*. Full instructions how to dry, bleach, pack and market the pro duct)*, accompany each machine. WILL EVAPORATE 8 BUSHELS OF ANY FRUIT PER DAY. ROOFING* g .. , .ypjA DEALERS Iff ANJ> HOUSE FCRff- SPOUTING IHIIIffO HARD DONE TO ORDER wKt/KtKPWARE. Butler, Penn'a. WHERE TO BUY MENS' AND BOYS' CLOTHING, At the Store of the undersigned, the acknowledged leader in CARPETS, CLOTHING AND GENTS' FURNISHING GOODS. We wish to say to the trade thin fall that we have a larger and more varie.l stock of C«r|* to, Clothing, * HATS AND CAPS, and Gents' Furnishing Goods than ever before. REMEMBER WE HAVE THE LARGEST STOCK, The LATEST STYLES, the LOWEST PRICES. We have all grades and nil prices, fron. the Cheapest to the Best made. D- A. II mC K, The Leading One Price Clothier and Gents' Outfitter, 2nd DOOR, DUFFY'S BLOCK, BUTLER, PA, Union Woolen Mill, BUTLER, PA. 11. FDIXERTO.\. Prop'r. Manufacturer of HLAKKETC, FLANNELS, YAK N«, &<■. Also custom work done to order, such u& carding Rolls, mnkinv Blankets, Flannels, Knit iusj and WeavluK Yarns, /fee., at very low prices. Wool worked on the shares, it de my7-ly MaBHH Bfl'.lilhu iUte ia America. AuwulutoOrtumty. Utlu r &**.JivcAjittaLJt. Ywui>tf»l7JOrc«uwu:Uht.N.Yu«lL FOR FALL. FOR FALL. j New Flannels, White Blankets, Red Blankets, Blue Blankets, Bed Comforts, i White (guilts. Canton Flannels. Yarns of all kinds. Germantown Yarns, Midnight Yarns, German Worsted j Yarns, Cashmere \ arns, Saxony \ arns, I Couutry Factory \arns, Zephyrs. The above Yarns in all colors. j Ladies' Sacquss In new Fall Shades, Ladies' Jersey Jackets, Lace Curtains, Lace Lambre ; quins. Large stock, prices low. PUBEm? ja 0 imikLXtiLa From the Districts of AHSAM, CM IT IAOONG, CACUAR. KANOKA VAU.KY, DAKJEEI.- ING, DEHRA DOOM, au4 ethers. Absolutely Pure. Superior in Flavor. The Most Kconoin leti.l. Requires only half the u.iunl quantity. Sold by all Grocers. JOHN C. PHILLIPS & CO., A"cuts of the Calcutta Tea Syndicate, 130 Water St., N. Y. NovH-ly. TF IP.HFRS w anted slo°,-™- I LHullLlll) HHKIXi m 4 HtMMEK. Addm. "*■ C. MCCCKUV * CO.. rMUdclplila.l'*. rcp n «n. l «m.,.iiggjjiJME GREAT GERMAN REMEDY feZS FOR PAIN. ' Relieves and cure 9 RHFXKATISM, Hi Sciatica, Lumbago, | WL«—»] BACKACHE, HEADACHE, TOOTHACHJt, jlji; iniUu,«„,r.uaijp|i QUINSY, SWELLINGS, »;; iiiiiiiiiißi® || spbains, j|jLj |j „„I mrrjf l! ?|' So r ß n e M ' Cut», Bruisss, . « FROSTBITES, flraflL/'V™* ji BI'BSS, SCALDS, ,(j And all other bodily achsi • imarn & f,fty cents * b ° ttle - I M Sold by all Druggists and ( .jiaui uuiiiuu. wji j u p ?a j ers . Directions In 11 f Tse Charles A. Vogeler Cu. i i|i|w lH to A- VuGILIP. * CO ) ~- [J Baltimore, Mi., U.S. A. I / h epot. PROSPECT ACADEMY. Winter term of sixteen WCCI.H open* Noven.- ber 13th. JHI.J Uoorn rent and boarding ex treinely low. All branches taught. A regular Classical and H< i«'»iiKlllu«. I'amnhM I ydact Ui I'Ua AulUutett & lajrlvr Co.. lUutfold, Ohio. BUTLhiil, PA., WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER IT. 1883. Speech of the Hon. J. B. Niles in the Legislature on the Ap portionment Bills There in Pending. On Monday evening, Ist inst., in the House of Repieseiitatives, Hon. Jerome B. Niles, of Tioga county, Republican candidate for Auditor General, ably de fined the position of the two parties on the question of apportionment. He said: I propose to slow by an analysis of the Senatorial and Congressional bills pending that from the standpoint of the Governor's message the bills advocated by the Republicans should be adopted by the Legislature aud the present farcical session ended. The Senatorial bills will first be discussed. They are substantially the same as passed by the House April 10 aud the Senate May 23, and which fell in Conference Com mittee June 5, 1883. At the special session the same bill in substance pass ed the Democratic House aud was again amended in the Republican Sen ate, and some time in July last again fell in Conference Committee. What l is the difference between the bills ? Let us see. There are forty Senatorial districts substantially alike in both ; the only difference that now occurs to me is the arrangemeut of the four Dem ocratic counties of Lycoming, Montour, Columbia and Northumberland, which, however, make no difference In the dis tribution of political power, as they constitute two Democratic Senatorial districts in both the McNamara and Longnecker bills. In both bills forty-five counties are put into forty districts, and are the same and make twenty-four Republi can and sixteen Democratic districts, calling Lackawanna and Montgomery Democratic. As before stated, there are forty-five counties arranged into forty Senatorial districts, and being the same in both Democratic and Republican Senatorial bills, leaving £2 counties and 10 Sena torial districts to be provided for. So far as forty districts are concerned we stand upon common ground. In rela tion to them we are free from all diffi culty; the differences exist only in reference to the 22 undisposed of coun ties ; four-fifths of the districts are ar ranged the same by both parlies. The difficulty is in the arrangement of 22 counties into the remaining ten Sena torial districts, it is not in reference to the Republican territorial arrange ment of these 22 counties. An exami nation of the map of the different bills will show that the Longenecker bill has the greatest respect for compactness and contiguity of territory In that respect it fully comes up to the Gov ernor's notion of the constitutional re quirements. If then our bill agrees with yours iu 45 counties and 40 districts and in the undisposed balance conforms to the language aud spirit of the Constitution, why do you not accept it and make the extra session a success so far as this question is concerned ? Let us make a careful analysis of the 22 remaining counties and see which bill makes the fairest disposition of them. They are divided politically as follows: Demo crats 10, Republicans 12. The popula tion of the 22 counties is 624,372, and divided as follows: In the 12 Repub lican counties 393,250; in the 10 Dem ocratic counties 332,132, making a majority in the 12 Republican counties 01,118. The aggregate Republicans majorities iu the 12 Republicans is 9,01)7 ; Democratic majorities iu the 10 Democratic counties 8,089, being an excess of Republican majorities of 408 As a result, we find in these 22 coun ties a Republican excess of population of 02,118, and Republican majority of votes of 408, showing the Democrats iu the minority both in population and political majorities. When we are considering things in a spirit of fairness, will any one say that in these 22 coun ties coutainiog an excess of more than 00,000 population, that the Republicans should only have three Senators and the Democrats should have seven '! Is that what should be called au honest, just and- true apportionment? And yet that is precisely what the Demo ocrat bill does. On the subject of Congressional apportionment he said : Applying the principal of population to the Republican aud Democratic counties, then what is a fair distribu tion ? There are in the Statu 07 coun ties. In the 30 Republican counties there is a population of 2,812.241. Iu the 31 Democratic counties there is a population of 1,470.445, making the whole population of the State 4,282,- 780. The excess of population iu the 30 Republican counties over the 31 Democratic counties is 1,351,096. The ratio for a member of Congress under the present law is 152,956. If w« divide the population of the >0 Repub lican counties, 2,812,241 by 152,950, the ratio of a member of Congress, we find that the Republicans are entitled to 18 members and surplus of 59,033. If we divide the population of the 31 Democratic counties by the same ratio wo find that the Democrats are entitled to nine members of Congress with a surplus of 93,949. There are four bills which have been seriously discussed during the regular and special sessions. Let in apply to them, the rtilo of equality of in habitants demanded by the act of Con gress and the equality of majorities as enunciated by the Joint Congressional Conference Committee, and see which of the four best comes up to these re quirements. The first is the Nicholson bill of the regular session, which pro fessed, as stated by his friends, to bo 15 Republican and 13 Democratic, but which iu truth, as 1 then attempted to stlow, was 14 Democrats aud 14 Re publicans, with the chances all in favor of our Democratic friends. Hut for the sake of the argument let us call it 15 and 13. The population in the 15 so called Republican districts is 2,227,080, making the average population of each Republican district 148,478. In each of the 15 Republican districts the average majority of 5,172. The popu lation in the 13 Democratic districts is 1,990,661, with au average population of 153,589 ; average Democratic major ity in each district, 3,087. The excess of Republican majorities over the average Democratic majorities in each district is 1,485, by which in thi3 bill Republican majorities are buried up to the extent of 22,'275. The several dis tricts lack 5,111 of having an equal number of inhabitants iu each district, and 1,485 of l*-ing equal on their polit ical majorities as required by the joint ! conference The bill advocated by the i Republicans of the House at the regular ! session was nominally 10 to 18. j Though if we accept the logic of history I the Indiana and Lackawanna districts are practically Democratic, and are now ' represented in Congress by Democrats. The population of the 18 Republican districts, 2,844,302; average popula tion iu each Republican district, 158,- 108; majorities in 18 Republican dis tricts, 77,565; average Republican ma jorities, 4,309. Population in 10 Dem ocratic districts, 1,437,752; average population in Democratic districts, 143,775 ; majotities in 10 Democratic districts, 41,14G ; average Democratic majority, 4,144. Excess of the Repub lican majorities in each district over Democratic average only 285 for each district, coming 1,200 votes nearer the rule laid down by the Conference Com mittee than did the Nicholson bill. I will next consider the Democratic House bill of the special session, which professes to be 12 Democratic and 16 Republican, but which is hardly 15 Republican to 13 Democratic. In no sense can the counties comprising the Seventeenth district be called a lair or safe Republican district. This district is composed of the counties of Juniata, Mifflin, Huntingdon and Franklin. In 1874, on the Congressional vote, they gave 1,337 Democratic majority; in 1876, 553 Democratic majority; in 1878, 227 Democratic majority; in 1880 gave only 70 Republican majority, and in 1882 gave 506 Democratic majority. Now, 1 submit that it is not frank, fair or honest to pretend to offer us a bill which you say is 1G Republican to 12 Democrat, and yet one of the so-called Republican districts has gone Demo cratic four times out of five by good, strong majorities. But again, for the sake of the argument, let us call it 12 to 16 and see how it comes up to the requirements of the act of Congress and the resolution of the Conference Committee. Population of the sc-call ed Republican districts, 2,498,080. Average population in Republican dis tricts, 156,150. Excess over Congres sional ratio, 3,284. Population in 12 Democratic districts, 1,781,845. Aver age population iu Democratic districts, 148,847 Average deficiency in each Democratic district, 4,459; excess of population of the Republican over Democratic districts, 7,643 ; Republi can excess in sixteen districts, 122,288, or nearly enough for a member of Con gress. This is the bill that since the month of July has been hanging in Conference Committee and which the Republican Senators have antagonized with their bill, to which I will now call the at tention of the House. The Senate bill, which the House declines to accept, is supposed to be 18 Republican and 10 Democrat, yet, if we take things as they are, it might more properly be called 16 Republicanaud 12 Democratic. The population of the eighteen Re publican districts is 2,759,525; ratio for member of Congress, 152,946; average population in each Republican district, 152,201. Population in 10 Democratic districts 1,521,441 Average population iu each Democratic district 152,141 Republican majorities in is districts Ni 157 Average Republican majorities per district 4,iit!i Uemocrtitic majorities in lo districts 45 272 Average Democratic majorities 4,527 Republican excess of population over Democratic in each Congressional dis trict being only 27; Republican excess of majorities in each district over Dem ocrats being only 92. Now, I venture the prediction that no other bill can be framed dividing the State into 28 districts which makes the average of them all BO nearly alike. The act of Congress says that the dis tricts shall be as nearly equal in inhab itants as practicable. No bill has been suggested which can pretend to rival this in the equality of the population of the respective districts. The resolution of the Joint Conference declares that the majorities of the respective districts of one political party shall be as nearly equal as practicable. Can any other bill offered at any time rival this in the rare equality of majorities ? More than all this, it comes up squarely to the •loctrine of what an apportionment should be as laid down by Governor Pattison in his recent message. The Army Idea of a Gentleman. A case has just been published which reveals the existence among army offi cers of a peculiar standard of gentle manly conduct. A Lieut. Simpson, who had been living in illicit relations for several years, married the person. He was forthwith brought before a court martial, found guilty of "conduct unbecoming an officer and a gentle man," and sentenced to dismissal from the service. The Judge Advocate, General Swaim, in reviewing the sen tence recommended to the I'resideut to set it aside, as the act for which the lieutenant was condemned appeared to be the only honorable one he had done in the premises. It is likely the Presi dent will take the same view. —lt is somewhat singular that tiie sausage season begins just as the dog days end. —Texans do not believe that the longest way round a wire fence is the nearest way home. —The late Judge IMack owed much jof his force of language to his famil ' iarity with the Old Testament. —The completion of his 83d year [by historian Jiaucroft suggests that literary pursuits are exceedingly healthy. We, the American people, less cash on hand, owe ourselves and others something more than $1,500,000,000. ALL HOLLOW. The Butler County Philosopher Who Demonstrates that this Mundane Sphere is Like the Hub of a Wagon Wheel. Special Correspondent of Pittsburgh Dispatch.] BALD RIDGE, October 6.—Yesterday I paid a long contemplated visit to Wm. Krunitz. This gentleman is a descendant of I'rince.Kruuitz, Chancel lor of the Austrian Empire in the reign of the Empress Maria Theresa. Emi grating to this country in the year 1848, he hus almost forgotten the royal sur roundings of former years, in the pres ence of a German-American wife, sons and daughters and a happy home. Here, among bis German neighbors, Mr. Krunitz has quite a reputation for vast knowledge, and for exploring among scientific things which common minds do not trouble themselves about. Especially is he reputable for the originality of bis ideas—standing as he does squarely against all accepted philosophy on many subjects, and for his kuock-down arguments used in the maintenance of his theories. When I came to his house I found him with his four strapping sons out in the field cut ting corn. In few words I made known the object of my visit, and I was warm ly invited to the house, which was a little distance away, and presented a straggling appearance, surrounded as it was, by trees, Bhrubberv and a massive netting of vines. The whole made rather a pleasant home, and it was just the spot to philosophize iu without one distuibing element to break the current of a thought. FOOLISU IDEAS. On the road to the house Mr- Krunitz said. "I suppose, sir, you have beard my neighbors speak of me and my foolish ideas ? Well, my opinions are of my own flesh and blood, created by the pleasure I derive from a study of those conditions in nature which do not admit of mathematical demonstration. My habit of thought has led me to accept, everything I read with a measure of distrust, and I take nothing for granted because it has come from the pen of one whose prominence gives his opinions weight, whether they are right or wrong. My neigh bors are different. Their advancement is slow and frequently wrong They get hold of exploded ideas years after the explosion, and because of the prob abilities of a thing, it is accepted as a fact. But neighbors are about alike in every township in the land outside of the very centres of civilization, where the light of knowledge flashes from mind to mind in the human conflict to reach the highest round of the ladder. It is astonishing men will live and die in this age and not know the earth is round. School houses on almost every farm ; books of all kinds within reach, and yet doubt that the earth has mo tion. A day or two ago I talked to a prominent attorney in Butler, and, would you believe it, ho actually argued that the farther you go south the hotter it got, exactly as the further north you went the colder it got. It is ridiculous! During all of that man's busy life be bad not paused to make one application of his knowledge, so he could practical ly understand the relationship existing between the North and South poles, the equator aud the suu." We came to the house and I was con ducted into a large room fitted up at one end for a library and at the other for a workshop, with a sliding curtain as a dividing partition. The room was filled with an array of cur ious things. Maps, books every where, globes, large and small. The earth represented in dozeus of wonderful shapes. Our solar system—Venus, Mars, Jupiter, Neptune, Uranus, the earth, moons, etc., attached to wire arms and revolving around a large cen tral globe, illuminated in thu interior by a lamp, to represent the sun, piled up and strewn around in endless con fusion. Evejything here led one's mind into strange channels of thought, and nothing could keep him from think ing of the eternal machinery of the uni verse. Mr. Krunitz walked at my elbow, talking of things I had never heard of before; describing conditions in matter, iu his quick, earnest way, which I could not comprehend, but which to him were the familiar results of a life of concentrated study. THE FORM OF THE EARTH. Mr. Krunilz moved into the center of the room a machine having five double arms, which were connected to a hub similar to the spokes of a wheel. Each pair of arms were used as slides for square tin vessels, which were at tached to the hub with spiral springs, and were designed to move on the slides, from the center of the wheels outward toward the extremities of the arms, under the influence of the force derived from the motion of the wheels. These buckets be filled with saud, stones aud water aud started the wheel. Gradually, under the steadily increas ing motion, the vessels moved away from the centre, overcoming the ten sion of the springs, until they reached tho end of the slides, and now they formed a dark, continuous belt in the air with no visible support from the center or hub. "Now, sir," continued Mr. Kruuitz, "you see my conception of the form of the earth. It is a broad belt of mat ter revolving around u centre of space which extends to the earth from pole to pole. The tendency of matter in mo tion is to leave the center around which it revolves, as you see demonstrated by my machiue, and as long as the atoms adhere together, under the laws of grav ity, to form belts in the direction of the greatest velocity. If I could move the spokes and huh out of my machine, al lowing the rim of earth and water to re main revolving in the air, as it now does, you would have the shape of our earth and all the conditions which dis prove a globe solid to the center." "Ab, no sir," he replied in arswer to questions ; "the center ofgravity lies in a circle much nearer the interior surface of the earth than the external. This would be necessary to even check the ir resistable force derived from the mo- j mentnm of the body. Gravity or weight is inherent quality, or the attrac tive powers large masses of matter have ' over atoms of matter and is always rela- j tive. All the material of the universe : does not weigh an ounce. "The earth is very flat on the sides. The immense fields of ice found near the poles may extend a very great distance into the iuterior, forming insurmount able barriers, even if the terrific cold of that sunless region could be withstood by the daring explorers who seek to penetrate the Artie mystery of ice and snow. "The interior must present a rugged, mountainous appearance, except where ground to powder under the avalanches of ice or planed to smoothness during the centuries of storms which have swept back and forth since the earth was formed. Conditions similar to those of our surface could not be in a place of eternal cold. Yet the various and sometimes startling conditions we find on our surface, would warrant us in the belief of there being no conditions in the universe without these uses in the economy of nature." The Fat Woman Married. NEW YORK, Sept. 27. —David Moses, a slim, brown eyed, good looking strip ling of twenty years, was married to Blanche Gray, a professional fat wo man (she is but sixteen, however), in a city museum last night. The bride groom weighed 120 pounds and the bride 517. It was a love match. A great crowd assembled in front of 1 the museum early in the evening. Fif teen policemen were trying to keep the multitude within from crushing each other to death. The price of admission wa9 ten cents, but at nine o'clock one dollar would not have secured admis sion, and the manager closed the ticket office in despair. On the second floor the bride sat on a raised platform with a mass of people pressing around her. Her boyish lover had to fight his way to her side, and a cheer went up, fol lowed by peals of laughter. TUE MINISTER APPEARS. Suddenly a gray-bearded man, dress ed in a clerical suit of black, appeared at the door of the museum and clamor ed for admission. He was shown into the private office, and as he staggered about he said : "I'm the minister, by G—l Bring down Moses, and I'll make short work of it, by G—! You can deal with me as you please afterward." • It was the llev. Charles E. Berger, of No. 312 Sixth street, an ex-chaplain of the army, who was engaged to per form the ceremony of marriage. He urged several persons present to go out and drink beer with him and then went up stairs to the bride. Standing be side her on the platform he took out a book aud began to read a marriage blank while the crowd cheered and hiss ed. The ponderous bride put her fan before her face to conceal a gigantic blush and then she pushed the clergy man away, saying that he was intoxi cated. Mr. Berger then went out for a beer. Meanwhile the crowd in tbe theatre below were yelling hoarsely in impa tience. The little cupiil on the curtain of the stage where the ceremony was to take place wore a look of shame. The place was jammed to suffocation. Police Captain Kealy and Sergeant Cahill occupied front seats. The air was tilled with shrieks, whistles, curses and groans, but above the din the live ly strains of Mendelsohn's wedding march could be heard. Policemen swung their clubs around and pushed back tho eager spectators and several Gghts were started. It was pande monium set loose. FOB LOVK NOT LUCRE. A rumor reached the room that the father of the bridegroom, who was op posed to tbe wedding, had captured the clergyman, but it proved to be un true. The boyish lover flitted to and fro in his wedding clothes. To a re porter he said that he was marrying Blanche for love and not for money. His father was at the door, but could not get in. He wont to the police sta tion and asked the police to interfere, but they refused to do anything. lie said that the managers of the museum had persuaded his boy into the mar riage. Youug Moses' brother and two sisters, however, were in the museum and appeared to be satisfied with the aflair. At a quarter past nine o'clock tbu little theatre was so lull that an at tempt was made to hoist the bride out of a back wiudow and get her down a ladder to the stage. The window was too small. Then a squad of policemen cleared the aisle and the 517 pound maiden waddled down to the stage, followed by her bridesmaid, a gorgeous ly attired Circassian girl, named Zoe Meleke. The fair Blanche wore a red silk dress, a great gold chain, diamond earrings, pink stockings and a profusion of white flowers in her hair and upon her breast. When she reached the stage the question was how to get her upon it, as she was too large lor the door. A board was removed, however, and the procession tiled behind the scenes. A tinkle of the bell and tbe curtain was raised. The crowd yelled and hooted. The bride sat on the stage near a table which was covered with lloral gifts. Mr. Berger stagger ed out to the footlights aud a cheer followed. MUTUAL VOWS. Then he asked the loving pair if they were of age aud bade them sign their names. The women in the audience hissed. When the names were signed the pair stood up and the clergyman began: To tho spectators: "Be HO kind as to keep quiet. I stand before you as a minister of tho gospel and a chaplain of the army." Then to the blushing boy bride groom : "Do you promise to acknowledge this woman as yuur wife and to treat her kindly and to bring up your chil- dren as good Republicans and Den.o. crats and citizens ?" The "I do" of the strippling was fol lowed by a chorus of laughter and cries of disgust. The scene became sacrile gious. "And do you promise to never de sert your husband, to love him and stay by him in sickness or health ?" The mass of flesh bowed. "Then in the name of God, your Maker, I pronounce you man and wife forever." There was a horrible burst of oaths, hisses, groans and laughter. Then the clergyman walked unsteadily forward and.made a maudlin speech to the crowd, telling them not to be Republi cans or Democrats, but citizens. He was jeered at. The whole scene ended with the kiss ing of the perspiring bride, who was presented with a gold chain nearly three feet long and with a two hun dred dollar check. The inscription on a basket of flowers was, "May your shadow never grow less." "Souse de Next Lady." At a negro baptizing the other day, a slim preacher took a fat sister down into the murky waters of a bayou. Just as be dipped her under the water she slipped from his grasp and glided under the roots of a large cypress tree, from which sad entanglement it waa impossible to extricate her until life was extijet. The preacher, without the slightest show of embarrassment, raised his hands, and turning to the crowd exclaimed: "De Lawd gibbeth, an' de Lawd taketh away, an' blessed be de name of de Lawd." "Dat's all right so fur as de Lawd's consarned," replied the drowned wo man's husband, "but what's I gwine to do ? I ain't got no 'jectiou to de Lawd takin' her away ef he 'vides me wid anodder wife 'bout de same size." "De Lawd knows his own business," said the preacher. "But dat ain't de pint," persisted the husband. ' I wants a wife, and wants hy right heah. Yerse'f tuck dat ; ooman inter de water, an' I'se gwinc ter hole yerse'f 'sponsible. I'll gin yer ten minnits ter git me a wile, an' ef at the eend ob dat time you ain't done made de 'rangcments I'll maul yer till yer couldn't baptise a cat. Does yer heah ?" The preacher reflected a moment and addressing a sister, said : "Sister Kate, ter keep down a 'sturbance, won't yerse'f marry de gen'lman ?" The sister agreed that immediate matrimony was somewhat in her line, and then the grief stricken husband turning to the preacher, exclaimed; "De settlement am satisfactory, brud der. Souse de next lady.'' In a Brown study—Poet Laureate Tennyson. —This has not beon a good year for the ice men. —Strawberries will soon be ripe—in Florida. —The penitential tear is a diamond of the first water. —You'll seldom find a pugilist who can box the compass. —Cash is the oil which lubricates the political machine. —Schoolmasters should be entitled to rank among the ruling classes. —"Cyclone the saloon," is the cry of a stump orator for temperance in lowa. —Sixty thousand commercial travel crs make life a burden in the United States. —A grass widow is uot one whose husband left her on account of the hay fever. "--Have.You Seen My Dear Love ?" sings a newspaper poetess. We have. He was eating peanuts with another girl. —David Davis says a man will never sit long on a barbed wire feuce unless there are bad dogs on both sides of it. —One of the naturalists gives the comforting assurance, as he calls it, that a bee can sting only once. Once ia enough. —When IToward wrote: "I find a pity hangs upon his breast." tho fellow had evidently a cold and bad not yet been informed that Dr. Bull's Cougb Syrup was the only safe remedy. You may be wise enough to be able to say your prayers backward, but it your life is not correct you know what you are, and so do other people. —Mr. Daniel Cosgrove, James' Creek, Pa., says: "I had dyspepsia so bad it nearly killed me. Brown's Iron Bitters made me a well man." Spurgoon says a man who is in the habit of practicing every day on a cornet may boa Christian, but that it is out of the question for his neighbors to be. —Cleanliness and purity make Par ker's Hair Balsam tho favorite for re storing the youthful color to gray hair. —A popular religion is simply a re ligion which allows a mau to do just as ho pleases in this world and then, gives him "a second probation after death," to fix things all right and get him ready for heaven. —Dr. Benson's Skin Cure is without a peer. It consists of both external and internal treatment aud costs only sl. per package. " —I)o you ever gamble ?" she ask ed, as they sat together, her baud held in his. He replied, '"No; but if I wanted to now would be my time." "How so?" "Because I hold a beautiful hand." The engagement is announced. Subscribe for the CITIZEN. NO. «