Tlllll.lo'ollo.
WHAT IS TliE USE ?
What is the use of removing your hat,
If pia do not intend to tarry.?
•
What is the use of yourwoning a maid, •
If you never intend tcr. marry ?
What's the use of your,huying a coat,
If you never intend to wear it ?
What•is the use of a dwelling for two,
If you never intend to share it ?
What's the use of Nour buying a book;
If• you;never intend to read it.?
And where's the use of a C.radli!) to rcek,
If you never intend to need it ?
A Burlesque Autoblogra
BY MARK TWAIN
Two or tliree.,personsi-iiving at different
times intimated that :it I would write an auto
biography they would read it' When' they got
leisure,.l yield at last,to this frenzied-public de
n:lank and herewith tender my, bistorY.
is a' ricible* houSe, and stretcka
long Way back into antiquity. The earliest
cestor Twains
. have record "
.Of was a
friend Of the by the name of Higgins.
This was in . the
_eleventh 'century, whet' our
people were living in Aberdeen, county of Cor k ,
England; WhV it: is that our long line has ev-
er since borne the maternal naine.(e:cePi4lien:
Oneof them now , and then. took . a playful re
venge in an alias to avert foolishness),' instead
of Higgins, is a mystery: which none - of Ili has
ever felt much desk'? to loan It is a kind of a
vague,pretty romance, and. we leave it - alone.
All the old
,familief4.4o that
Arthur
.Twain was a Man of considstable
note . —a: solicitor. on the highway
, in
Rufus'' time. - At übout the age of thirty he
went to 'one;of those fine old English plas s.
of resort called Newgate, to • see:ab out sari-w
-illing, and never returned again. theie,
he died suddenly.
_ Augustus Twain seems to halve made -some
thing of a stir about the year 1140 He.wai as
ftill 61 fun as.ho could be, and used to: take'his
old sabre and sharpen it up, and get in a 6111‘-
N'eutent place on a dark U.4.dit, and; stick - it.
through people as they went by. to Isee them
• jump. lie ,was . born a buniorist. But he got
to going too tar with it and the first • tipe
be
was found stripping one of theSe ; Iparties the
-authorities removed one end of him and pitt it
up on a high place on \ Temple Bar, Nt liere It
• Could contemplate the peciple . and :leaVe a good
time. llc never liked any situation SO much \ of,
stuck
.to it so. long.
\ .
.. . .
Then for the next .two hundred years: the
family ; tri4.shows a succession, of .soldiera.-r-no
:hie, high, spirited tellows who, always, Went in
to battle singing, right beliiii)4 the army, and
always went but a .whooping;
,righ i t ahead of
it: : -- . , „ ,
, .
.. .
. . ,
- This ts a scathing rebnite to old dead Frots-,
sait'spoor wittictstn that O 6 family tree never
bad but one limb, to it, and that one stuck out
at right angles and bore trait winter and sum-
user.
Early in the fifteenth century we had. Bean
Twairi, called the "Scholar." Be wrote I beau
tiful, beautiful band. And he could imitate
anybody's hand
,so 'closely that it was enough
to make a person laugh his head off to see it.
He had Infinite sport with his talent. But by
and by he took a contract to breaks ate e for a
road and the roughness of the work spoiled his
hand. Still he enjoyed lite all the "time be was
in the , stone business, which, with; inconsideia
ble intervals, was some forty-two years.
Dti
ring all those long yea rsi be gave such satisfac
tion that be never' was t‘ltrough with a contract
till the government gave Mtn another. He
was a perfect pet. And be Was , always a fav
orite with his fellow artists, and was a conspic
uouS member of their , benevolent secret society
called the Qbain Gang. He always ‘ wore big
hair abort, had a preference for striped clothes
and died lamented by, the government. He
was a sore loss to his Country. For he was so
regular,
Some years later we have the illustrous John
Morgan Twain. .:_Be came over to this country
with CoTumble% in 1492, ALS a passenger. He ap
pears to have been of a ( crusty, uneOmfortable
disposition. He complained. of the food all the
' way over, and was always threatening to go a
shore unless there was a change. He wanted
fresh shad. • Rardly a day passed over his head
that he did not goiciptig about the ship with his
nose in the air, sneering about the commander
and saying he did not' belleie Columbus knew
where he was going to Or had ever been before.
The memorable cry of "Laid, ho r' thrilled ev
ery heart bl i the ship' but his f He. gazed awhile
through a pieCe of smoked, glass at the penciled
line lying on the distant Water and then said :
nand be-hanged, its." raft !"
When this questienabfe passenger came on
beard the ship, he brought nothing with,hiM
but an , old newspaper• containing a-handker- j
ebief'marked " B. G.," one Icotton sock marked
i t
"L. W. " one woolen one , marked "D.P.:
and a nig -shirt marked ud. 31. R.ti And yet
during the voyage he worried more in regard
to his trunk, and gave himself.more airs about
it, ihan all.the .r6Aofthe ,passengers:put togeth
tr. If the ship., was "down', by, the head," and
would not, steer, he would go and move his
trunk farther aft, and then watch the'elfect•
If the - ship was ilzgy the stern," hO would sug
gestio Volumbus to detail some men to "shift
*that baggage;"'. IU storms he had to be gagged
because his wailings j about his "trunk" made, it
impossible. fore the men to hear -the orders.
The man does not appear to have been openly
charged :with Any'r'grav_elyiuoecmnhig thing
but itienoted 'in aiship'ajoiiia'a s "ctirious dr..
- curnitance," that 'albeit :'. he' brought on board
the ship in a 'newspapete he took it 'ashore in
• , fourArunks, a quee,nsware prate, and ':a couple
- of cbampague baskets. - But when he came
bAkeir Insinuating ,in - .in."-:insoinati Swaggering
way that some of kis things, were missing, and
was going to searbh the other passeruzers it
was too much and they threw him overboard
They:Watched kik arid. wonderingly
. for him
to co me. 4, but nOt---eyena buble rose on .the
quietly ebbing . tide.i But . ' while every one wee
most absorbed linl gaiirie over the side and the
interest was - moinentarily increasing, it was
observed with consternation that the vessel was
adrift, and thennclior cable-hanging limp from
the'.bow. - .; Then 14 the ship's , dimmed an
Od-an
,at.,log we find - p I I. • is quaint -, note:
. • ;
."In I fine it. was . ; discouvered yt ye trouble=
some passenger elide gotitiedowne and got ye
anclior, - tooke ye same. - and solde it to .ye dam
sauvages froth ye inteiior, - saying yt he hadde
founde it, ye,sonhe ofk-gbun I. :
Yet this ances i toi had good , and noble in
:itinctst. and it '.i with pride: that we cal: to . -
mind. the fact : that.he-waS the first. white person .
'who evi r interested 'himself in the work of ele
vatinglind ciyitting Our' Indians. He built "a
commodious jail And "Mt up: "a gallowS, and ; to
his dying-day he claimed with' satisfaction that
he had had a mtney. restraining and elevating
influence on the ' lndians than any other reform
er that everlabored -- among 'them. • At this
point the chroncle becomes ',less- frank and
chattY and close abruptly by saying 'that fhe .
old voyager went to see his gallOws perform int
the first white nian ,ever.-hanged in America;
and ivhile. there feeeived injuries which termi
nated in bia detitb.l ' '
:The great grandson - of the "Reformer,"
flourished in sixteen hundred and • soinething.
'and was knownlin! our annals as "the Old Ad
mikble," though 14 history he had other titles.
He w.ae - long in command of fleets -of . swift
vessels,' well armed and . Manned and did . great
service in hurrying up merchantnien.• Vessels
which he followed and kept his: eagle eye. on
always made goes` fair time !across .- the ocean:
But it a ship still . loitered In .spite
, of all he
could do his In i tlignit,..tioti would grow till he
could contain h?niself no - longer—and then he
mould take that, home vVbere he 'lived and
~ - \
and keep it, there earefully.e.4 - Pecting the own
ers.
o comet for ftbu. they never did. And he,
would try-to get the Idleness. and sloth out of
• , , .
theaik)rs of that-slop by . compelling them to
take invigeratitj exercise and a bath.. All the
-pupils. liked IL ; At.anY rate tlaly never found
any.fault with i it after, trying it. When . the
• •
owners were .late Coming for their ship,!the.ad
Mimi always tired . them, so that th3insur
-1 ante motley Slit idd notAhe IOSt. . • •
, - i•
At last this ite‘old tar cut dOwn in. the
„
fullness of his. l eafs and honorSt And to her
dying day_ his pOf,'pr•lieart broken widpw *he
lieved that it ffe- ihnd 'beca cut . downi' fifteen
mintites . sooneri he 'might haye. been re Uscitat
ed. . -..' L 1 • -
- - i ,:,.; •' • • : - , •
. * Charles Henry wain liv - ed'in.the !at «r part
of the seventeeptii . century 'and Was axtlalous
ond distinguizihed, - missionary.
„„ He cOn vert ed
sixteen •thousand South Islanders:, and taught
them- that a dok. thriLli: necklace and a pair of
.
spectacles well , lilt enough ...clOthing to Come
.
.to divine servi'e in. • His poor flock loved biir,
. 1 ,
.very, very dearly and when his., inneral was
over tlitl: got tip in a *body (and .Caine out of
the restaurant With: tears in Thep- eyes, and
saying one . to n other that he was ago )d ten
der missionary and they wished they had more
of him. -
1 1 .• - . • . . .
.
I-will rema lt . here, in - passing 'hat certain
~ . .
ancestors Of Mine are, so . thoronghly well
known in - histil - hy by - their ttlihses, that I have
• -
not-fell it worth while to "dwell upon I 'them. or
. '
even mention Ahern in the order of their birth.
Atn,oug these may be -mentioned .
t Hichard
:Brinsley Twain, • alias Guy. Fawkis; Jrhn
Wentworth tvain;, a//48 Sixteenstring Jack ;
William Hogaikh 1 Twain, Witis Jack SbepPard;
Ananias • Twain, alias Baron Munebausen ;
John- George_ : Twam,• alias Captain Kydd '.
and then there are George Francis Tr i : i in, Tom
Pepper Nebtincltadnezzar and Balaa 's Ass—
they all belong to our family, bat to la branch
of it somewhat - distantly removed from the
honorable direetk line-4-in fact,. a. collateral
branch whose members chiefly difterlfrom the
ancient stock! in 'that;, .in order to acquire the
-notoriety we puare always yearned and -hunger
,. .. ,
hunger
ed for, they bnve, got • idto a low way .of :going
to jail instead of getting hanged: - t• .
It is not. well . When ivriting aif autobiogra
phy to(1.)
follow your ancestry . wn ion close to
I
your own ti e—it is safest to speak vague •
ly. , of: your, 'reat=grandfather, and then skip
11
from there to yourself, which T. now do. :
I'was born without teeth—and there Richard
lll.'had the advtintrige',of me ' • but I was born
I - • ' ,
without a humpback, likewise, and there I had
the advantage Of, him. lkl.y parents were neith
er I - .
poor nor conspicuously honest.
But now ~' thought occurs to me. 1 My own
history wolfl really seem so-tame Content d
i
with' , that o my ancestors, that 'it is _simply
wisdom lo i . vq: it unwritten till 1 aril hung.-
Irsome tithe - 'biographies I have read bad l stop
pediwith the ancestry' midi-alike event occur
red, it woul seem to ' have been 'a felicitous
thing for : lie *reading public. How does it
~ . .
strike you ? .4, , • ' ! . „.
"What ar you Shout ?" inquired a lunatic
01 a cook, who was industriously pitting the
feathers fro+ the IOW). "Dressintr chickens,"
0
s.n.SWereil the cook: "1- should colt that un
dressiug,". 'replied the crazy fellow., The cook
looked reflettive:
411•10
Mrs. Yucl4ers ry detected ner husband burying
an old saucepan in the back yard, the other
tuorning,,and asked.hint what he was about.—
`Nothing mucli, ll returned Podgers, "only
high time were , getting ready to,send some
Revolutionary relics to the Centenninl."
A: most remarkable illustration ilttS just been
furnished of the overmastering force of genu
ine patriotika. 'Twenty newly Married couple
stopped nt a -Philadelphia hotel one night last
'Week, and nineteen (it the brides sat Up until
atter 12 o'clock reading Centennial tracts.
cerie,iu a Fort Wayne dry goods store:—
Cady—ii9vir mnch - lor this print ?- pentleinan
li frd , ohliging
,clerk--,Nine cents, Mum. Lady
-1--,Nineteen, cents I'll yott_eighteen:-;
;tents, mum ; you misunderstand
me. Lady—Oh I nine cents"., Pit give you
eight.
THE - . DEMOCRAT, ' -,T1J1,T.-..1.,,,)5?.'1,6
WHAT WE
NT DONOR 111 MORI
That tiopbOttom is a .thriving - Village, romantically
situated ,amid hills on the D L & W;h and
contains live stores in fait blait, and that Jeffers
& Blakeslee have adopted We .ready-pay systems which
explains why they are selling cows so, low.
• • •is
CODFISH: 'only '6 cents perlpOtid.
ASHTON' SALT, by the sack,
BARREL SALT. e 1,85 . .
PORK, 12 'cenis per, vtAtid..
FLOUR—the best---p:er btirrel, 0.50';
LORILLARp ! . fine cut rihorti,-tobagco,
40 cents. ,
LONSDALE Bleached 111.u51in,,.\9 cents.
UNBLEACHED .Muslin from 7 to 8, eta.
CALICO, best, from 5 to 7 ceatti per yd
CLOTHING, .per a*, $8.50 t0*16.1
DAILY RECEIVING NEW GOODS
and conitantly keep. on hand everything usually kept
M Country Stores. Give us 'a call, that we may verify
our assertion.
WE WANT TO GIVE, YOU MORE
.GOODS (to take horrw) FOR $lO, •
THAN YOU EVER.HA.D BE!
FORE,I SINCE THE
WAR. ,
JEFFERS & BLAKESLEE,
Hopb.lttom, June 21, 1876.---3 w
J.ll.l3,taxas. I
. 11 G. BLANDIii'd 1 J. N. CONGDONI
Barnes, Blanding & Co.,
Pavbit and Oranitc *Tinto,
MANUFACTURERS. OF ALL KINDSOF
MARBLE AND.. GRANITE MONUMENV.
MANTLES, &C.
IMPORTERS OF SCOTCH GRANITE,
26 Chenango St., Near Depot,
,
March 8..1976. BINGHAMTON. N. Y.
FOR 1876.
JOB PRINTING
A SPECIALTY.
•
With our, four presses, *a large assortment of.
plain and fancy job type, borders,
inks, Rapers,
cards, etc., and experienced worlimen,. we are
prepared to' do
Ail Kin& of Job . Work
.at the LOWEST Promptlr upon
receipt of Order, (by mail or oUierwise,)
•
• • • we can furnish
•
• Wedding Invitations,
Envelopes, Bill r .lleads,'Statements, Note fle‘adi,
Box Label, Show Cards, Admission. Tick-,
•• •ets, Ball Tickets, Law Blanks. Auction
Bills, Lanie Posters, Small Posters, •
: Bottle Labeis„Calling' Cards, AddreSs
CarcK- Business Cards, Invitation Cards,
PamPh lets'; , Business Circulars, Wrappers,lTags,
• Dancing 'Programmes, • -;
.
etc., etc, \ • ,
. .
HAWLEY & CRUSEIt,
May..lo, • , • Democrat Office.
CURIOSITY A ter-Aollar• 'bill of
1776 sent- free, for.
stamp. Addret•s'llurst & Co,, 77 Nassau et, -26
AGENT - Caily. Bet literary paper.
4.) On y 53 a year. Three SlO chromna
free.% )tuns on Sponsler, Pubs, Phila. Pa. 27
AGENTS WANTED FOR THE GREAT
•
It
sell:' tio t-r t tout avfoilter uouk. Übuttgent, bold 61
copies in out! ay. sebd for our extra terms to agent&
NATIONAL rimmtinlNG I.llll4delohia. '2B •
SYCHOM A NCY.or SOUL ARMINcI. I
Y
er 6eX may fascinate and gain the love and affec
tions of any person they choose instantly.: This sim
ple, mental acquirement all can possess. free, by mall.
for 25c. together- with a marriage guide, Egyptian. Ora
cle. Dreams, Hints to Ladies.Wedcing-IsTight Shitt,&e,.
A queer book, Address .T. WILLIAM • & CO., Pubs.
Philadelphia. • • 2
Ohne' to the Main Exhibition Building,
Single Lodgings . 5Q Cents.
Rooms Ivitu Double Bed.. • S 1" tos2 per, Day,
This House is especially adapted to families.
.
A. J. WIDENER, it CO ' 28
lien are earning $4O to sl2o'per week ! ! selling.
Cg t 4 1.11:1 1! . 9
3rl. " t
r 3?"
• • AND l' 3 RESOURCES.
Complete in the thrilling history of 100 eventful years
alto the hx,ibition.—grand in description of our mige
ty resource:, in agriculture, commerce, minerals. Mann
6ieturing. natural wouciers, curiosities. etc., all richly
illustrated: A Ceniun Map . and Birds-eye View free:
1.000 more agents-waitird quickly for this and Cur situ
dard Life of - Livingstone, tisl,ooo already sold, Also new
Bible, 3,ol,olllu4trations, Has no equal. Exrralerms
write to HUBBIRD BROS., Publishers, Phil. £Bw4
LIOR
WELL'S ARBiILIC 'TABLETS:
PUT UP thNLY IN BLUE BOXES.
• A TRIED AND SURE REMEDY. ,
Sold by Druitgista amlly, and 28
dolinstou. Holloway & Co. Philadelphia. Pa.
• .• 00,K . . AGENTS WANTEL .
: a • sell ihe
. 1 , .. IrEW 800 the . IT ALL
-THOLTS.NDSt of Canvasaers have answered
• our call to sell this famous new book, and yet se
. went 6.000 mom: It is the True Al' one of a
"Ironnyee Life in Mormonism." Introdur bon by
•
• . Mrs. H. B. NTOW E. SlO,OOO _ copies have
* '
been sold, and it outsells all of et Woks three to
(me! Ministers say •-•"Gort spmf it!" 200.000
Readers say, "Ass argentin'!" Thousands are
Irallftng for Its Agents sell Ift) to /SO a dtty,_ sir Quartz.
• raErEfo ail. bugs pamphletsorlth EXTRA term t free.
Addams, A.D. WOJIMINOTOX k CO., Hotfoot.. voaa.
..._ .. _
1875! W:I.LzIIE NO M--?
. . ..
To Michigan. one of the foremost, flourlihtug aid
healthy States I • .
.. . .
.
of fine farmini lands for sale by the Grand Raplds.
Indiana R.. R.
Strame Solis. Ready' Market;‘ tore 'Crops. - 6990
Schools, R. R, runs through 11111htre of..grant. • Stoll..
menu alrabwg.-All lands of Products ralsod. ' Piet*,
of, watAft. timber anti bulliiing.malerials. Price
$4 to $lO peettere; °or fourth down, halante oti.tits*.
, IrEtend for'lllustru'ed pamphlet, full of fasts sled
figures aid be convintxd, - Address • ,
W. A. HOWARD. Comm'r. •
11-t-e-o•w • Grand Ritplei.4.
P. PIFROE, Sec'y Land ..Deputy.
We are almoet
LEIVTABLI3HiD IN /8404
ALSO.
FRANKLIN HOTEL
FORTIETH: AND POLAR .STS., PHILA.
COUGHS. COLDS, HOARSENESS,
AND ALL THROAT DISEAOS
.• W.HAT FOR? .
•::To buy a Farm eut tif the . --k.
()no Million Acreit
4 1 Th 'vf- yet.
:. •
:AV - • '1 11
... D .S .L .) •
.119
iii4-il: . :: : ''':ii..- : , : . i;')ii,rs,:.-: - i - itt.tt:. - t.'l4.'-' - :'i-,•• •: , : ' . :iti''•, i - - :-' l 'olii . i
DRY GOQps, CLOTHING; HATS AND UPS,.
BOOTS/ AND SHOES, NOTIONS, WALL 'PAPER,
STATIONERY,' &C. •
.
"LENI - IEI.III. 'BLOCK,"
In he
•WAilgoodelbonght with care and for cash only.
gains just reetived..l - -
Country ProdUc! of all kinds Marketed in — Philadelphia and New York.
"Welcome" to! both old and new custoipers.
f .
• '• * • 1 •
Grat • Bend, *ay 1'0.t.13'.',..11876..
01PIETh
. , .
J. iV. .:13gOWN'S
, 'MUSIC JEIiVELRY STORE.
A LAitGE ASSORTMENT OF
1
°ladle WATOllES:Zglii.fial.
AN ENDL E SS Nr.AIIETY OF CLOCKS.
Of all Detscriptione.
. ,
NEW - GO(JDS CaI" , S I TAIiTLY 9RRIY,ING.
GRIPATI REDucrioN E PRICES
1 , This 'pripg.
. .
....___y
. f A FINE ASSORTMENT.
. ,
rff - Wiatelies..Cloils, and Fine Jewelry re-p $
patree on short - notice .and warranted.
Fine Engraving done. - '
18p4.
(.' ' 1 •
I ••
THE .popllin•.it
•
.aUTTEitIIUR9; ROSENI3 - AUM...& 'CO.
f ,
Is
,
: ,
Is still in Montrose, being established nearly a quarter of a century. and intend to be another. Are carry ing the
largest and most complete Assortment of . Dry Goods, Ready-Made Clothing, le., 4 c.. of any other firm in the
County. Our facilities for buythg in large quantities of first bands by the original r ackspet-,, and I y having a
resident buyer constantly in the markewsuch,that it makes it almost an impossibility for aby new orold dealers
,to compete with us in prices. , . . . •
M. B. Dessatter, having Just returned from New York' with a large stock of seasonable gooo, bought for
casblat the moat favorable rates, prices - being so tempting that he bought heavier than usual. and mostly at large
Auction Sales: We will, can and shall - sell them A l astonlehingly low figures. , _
' .
DAY GOODS, CARPETS, MILLINERY AND FANCY GOODSr4ADIES'
AND GENTS' - FURNIS H ING GOODS, 1'
e 15k CIL,"S r -15111. cl 1c• t Ixi g
Fine lot of Clotln, Capsintera Rad for . Ctistorp' WorliC.p
.ee4. Only reliabligoods sold that will beif . recommtmdation. 'rke tie? turo...-_
toni„ We will say for one and all, that we defy competion. Respectfully yours,,
'GIITTENBURG ROSEBIBAVIII tt
laontreee, April-1% 18i6
, • - WHOLESALE DEALER IN
1
BRONZE LAMPS, OPAL LAMPS, ALL GLASS LAMPS, HAND LAMPS,
BURNERS, WICKS, SHADES,. SHADE HOLDERS, Ac., au.
BYERY STYLE OP PLINT
Prices Guaranteed as Low as any House in Southern New York,
Address by Mill YromPtly Attended To.
BEST JOB PRINTING
- - .
fy O
tidi sitt) •
argo Sto - 111 t g w i Dsemepetion
-
Bab. f*. 'rice Ind Quality, ettjur! to Plat* Mock Colored Work,
" antra
M •
••,••••••••••--.0
-AT..r.
Facts Better :Than Fiction!
OUR STOCK COMPRISES AS USUAL,
Of our own manufacture and well appreciated for its , supetior workmanship.
A. :S.‘-MI-Ng.R, B:INGHANIT.O.N,
SPECIAL INDUCEMENTS IN
T=N a . ..ish.wpalvw33l imr,fLpem.
, - , •.
We ank'coXitinualii 11r au" of cs l"th “1
-AT--
GEO, L. LENHEI.M.
(In flis New, Store.)
MATHUSHEK AID CHICKENS
George Woods & Co's
PAgairiG,E r db CCo.7ss,
AND OTHER Oltd.lNS.
J i F. BRONSON, AG'T,
MUSICAL . MERCIDANDIISE
Of all , Descriptions..
SHEET MUSIC,
.-iNsTrzucTi9N BOOKS,
etc., etc., etc.
Brick, Block, ' MONTROSE, Pa.
March 22d,1826. • ,
GOODS ND fallllllG 11[!IISE
HATS, CAPS, &C., &C.
AND COMMON
ALSO, MANUFACTURER OP
MEE
MEE
:••sz
•r Au\
Gi..oat i : l ßOid,. Pa.
Anitiiinenst.line of Bar-
Plsl,rx©gs.
WHOLESALE, AND RETAIL,
Measuieo token *rid reflect littirg guano
,tiot imieheilou upvlientiou ap our co,-
M. ER, nag4n g v s rt tier.
March 31 M:
AT Irn LOU . tit tTES
1*376,
CIIIMNE%
A. R! /N! B.
RAWLEY CRUSIEt.