/ 0: M'laieter.SirokiN 4 1 1.? .. 1•51' of creation;' Thelteethati time_eo,* ( l:Akei Marrieit47l Xantidpe Caloric accepted his hand, And they thought him the happiest man in the laud. ' • -:. But scarce had the honeymoon passed o'er his head When 11tornibg,- td = Xeuiiipte, flat:lto sit:d : liAlOrkk; fOr4ll ot sbirldhig'in:life,; • This house - $(610) as ' 1 1" ilotr have, it wife 1 flo, as early as possible, , earpenterVi,ry Shall be . sent for to widen 1 my honse and my J.T .dairy,' { s• • , 1 NOW; sociitk aeareat latitipPe replied, "1 bate tai ' liar everything :*ulorit Nowiiii onei;er Pou, ipeak, of your auittles, - • . bay, our cow book, our barn yard, our pig .• -pen. • "By your /cave,. Airs. Snooks, - I will fot,y what please Of tn,y houses, iny'lands; 'My gardenty,trees." "Say our," Xantippe exclaimed in a rage, ' "I won't, Mrs. Snooks, though yott ask me au igh,'` , woman 1 though OD" a part 'of man's rib, If the: story in: Genesis don't tell a fib, ' ' ' :,, . , Should your naughty Cometini:m *e'er 'quarrel with you, . i . . i , • You are certain to. prove ' the besti,oux-14 the two. i 1 , . In t the following case ti,ia ur,sts c.ertainly trtie; ' 1 1 * the lovely XantiPpii Just itilled o$ 'her . I shoe, 1 And laying about,,,herall : aid& at ratidom, ~1 The adage was Iverifid.o.Nt7, de.tia l nduin."' Mister Socrates Snooks„ after. try,i4 itk vain,* To ward off the blow,s which "dericended like coneladitig.that, valor's best fart was•dis6re= 4 011 , \ i '., , Crept under the bed like a terrified Hessian;; But the dauntless Xantippe, not one bit afraid,' Converted the seigein to a blockade. - : ! . . . . it kit a ft er reasbriing the thing in his pate, He (=eluded , " 7 tsvl4 .tuteleas EC/ striveagainst k " fate:;" " ! ! 1 And so like a'tortols_protruding his head, Said; "Ify dear, nay wecome out from under 1 our bed ?" Mah ! hah !" she-orChibhed. " &mks; - ' tpercei!re,you agree to my terms b 3 Now,:, Socrates - -hear , tne—frona - . hour ; : - - ' 4 If•you'll•only obey nilrn never took sour." 'Tis4fildlthe next sab ith ere _goini to Church, 1 Re' etatilked " for a lean , pair:ok trowsers to Strang found them, he'tsked, with'a feiw,ner vous twitches, ' : ' ' "My dear may toe put on 'r: yeti Sunday breeches '?"' 1 ' ion , . . An - F i nnic Brier,. ~ 4' Up' 11ft - liton:N.. 11, lived a family,of Bricks.' Uriali Brick Was the father, and Mrs. Mary Brick was the mother; and" 4 icellent''. 'people they, were. .As the of up, bright tail and who done well intelligent; the' fat er, \ est bo ew to.ttfe,,waylot raising and selling cattle, ,deter trainedtngive him: a collegiate education, and toliat end the tad *as sent over to Fryeburg geademy, not many Miles distant, there to re ceive the necessary educational rudimSnts.— . the youthful Uriah was received and accepted ity the principal, :and. on tbe4following4day,he wide' Ilia appearance in the 4claits taught by ~ rroftssor Swan . , . . „ I , "Ail, young - gentleman,". said the professor, rpoleirig mildly through his god-bowed glasses ,npon the new corner,:"this is ybur first appear ance in my class ?" I ' , "Yes, Sir." "What is your name ?" '"YOU are a brick !" the youth deliberately enunciated. There cnuld be no mistake. , His la7guage was plain. 4 I .4 "What;Aiir 17 cried the professor, aghast.— "Will you repeat those words ?" . .. "You—are-- a—brick !"—slowly and em phatically. ' "Upon my soul, young min, this , is too non strousit You cannot: he in Possessicthof your senses." "How, sir.?" starurnered Uriaii, Ir., at a loss' to understand. "Have I offended ? ' 1 1. `'O ended I j• Have :you , not grossly insalted me?". , 4 /Insulted Yon! I , certainly • did not mean • • •-, I!, 4 l:sid you not tell me that TWas a brick 1 1 " gletini:of ,Intelligend,e, and relief beamed 'upon the y044'1 Toddy nice. , "Ah, sir," he said, "I understimil the niistakt. You asked - I[le my mune.' iia:ki,ng one, and I only gave the initials of Iny baptismal :Niy name, in toll, is - Irriah Reynolds Andenvint_arick." i muttered., the professor, while he mentally calculated the measuroand Sound of those Initials. "YeS, yes—l see.--- Well'.ll-?-811—Mr. 13riek—we 'will go on with our lesson. ' • That-lesSon 'was not as-very profitable one Vox' ' • . ' • ,Paturday afternoon when one of the post-of=. 116 fioot,blaeks fell down in crossing Griswold Ate%dind'begait to - pucker his face for a3good xry,:a policeman. remarked:: . - "Humph 1 - Such a blg boy la you my I" "Am I bawlingfi asked the boy. Yqu. ire just -ready ' 1. '”?614 ,1 60.tti v- "About falling down there." , continue 461tLaietten .wi Saxe time. "Itdi4o,,hurt.t I think of how I loit , loven coine."o' 'lt was late in the fall when our4gooillArs. , ltilddlbcruSt went dowit to the market 'end se. lebteira tub of butter. the always bought good butter. lg fact, she was determined that rtehe,,:id her, boarders ' , should:- wirer have; just cause of complaint against the quality, of , her . provisions. : . , Y _ ?tildtidani , l isibi the therket,trian, "I would ad vise you to secure two tubs of that butter. I shall have none better; and bitter Will be sure , , to risein price through the - Winter."' Mrs.Middlecrust bought two tubs,and on her way home bethought herself bOw t she could contrive toMake that butter - list through till _ , • spring.`• Ah ! happy:thbight ; she would toast the bread for supper, and butter it herself. Bhttered thast;waS the thing: Accordingltthe 'good woman set out upon her .plan - of :saving. For tea • the • loaves were nicely and evenly sliced, gently browned before the fire, and vary gently and carefully buttered. As. her boarders took their Seats she finCied that one of •them were looking ,for the butter, so she smilingly said : • "I ha:ae buttered the, bread 'myself, gentle. men. • As it was toasted, I thought it wou hi be nicer so.' -* • Mr, Nipkins, a bald headed bank clerk, wear ing spectacles, took s Stec of the toasted ,bread and examined it long and critically. • "Mr. Nipkins, is: anything the matter with yoni bread?" asked the landlady. • • 1 I,o—nothing is the . , matter with the: bread." And he turned it over and submitted it to: further , examination. "Mr. Nipkins," persisted the good woman; growing red in the face, "if nothing is the mat! ter,-why 'do you behive in that 'manner? 1 like my bonrderi to loe frank with me." i "My dear Mrs Middlecrust," replied Mr.Nipl• kini, looking up serenely, "I will be iiank.-4 When I was ahoy ,if we wished to express State: of extreine Mental obtuseness, we • were Wont, tin say of the obtuse one, that liptdidO, know which : side his bread was buttered on. I think I must be losing some of my perceptive faculties. I find no fault with your provision 4, dear madam, the fault must be in me. I have lived and eaten two and fifty years, and for the first time in my life I find mysslr unable to de.- Ode on which side'my bread_ is buttered." Mrs. Middlecrust lett her boarders to butter their OW/1 bread after that. • • kept *lPlrin Maid of the'Reeelpf. The - Detroit Ree_ paws „says Fifty' years old Wei tiay, and her : n a me Fox. She lives on Natioital - avenue, and shornade'lk trip to the eastern - pOrtion of the city to get a ie ceipe. making cake.- She got -the reiceipe, got some beer, and got tatthe station; ant ;she wasn't balf'so anxious _about :het case asOi t ne of the audience. She slowly loi!owed Bijah out, musing • "Use about a pint of flour, put in a chunk' of Initter about as 'as a., walnut, and br4ak in"— , Socralies your' 10 9 its. this happy "Now, then," interrupted his honor, "this looks bad to sea a woman of your age here.? "Well, I had some beer," she softly replied, "and break . ' in - four - ego, grate in your le on peel, stir well and bake in a hot oVen." - "What - have you to say about, "this ease V' • asked the court. • . "Nothing. You can do all the talking—qUart of flour—four eggs-lemon . Peel--nuttneg--!hot oven." _ You were never here before ?" I _"1 don't remember that 1 was. Will Sou take a receipe down for me before I forget 'ft ?" "I've got a receipe for ending drunkenness," replied his honor. - i • the b0y:6314 1 ,a,h)s eyes, at the ea bit,: but scf . lifn eats last surrizatr .Ptiztletil,BOardeir. "I don'A want it ; and atter the cake has bait _ ed for fifteen minutes remove' tixim, the 4:sven and put on the fro tine;' "Do 2,..0u want to go to the house of pakfee tion'?" queried the court. ' • "go, sir, I *don't. What do 1-laut tb go tramping way up there toe?" "Btit'yOu were so sadlyAntoxicated that the officer had to hire an expreis wagon to bring you down here." "Is that so ? Then I came here by express, \ die!. ? Was I packed in O. 110 ?" ."You must be very careful in the future.l a bad \ thing tor a woman to get drunk." "No worse than 'tis fOr the man ; .and after the frosting is on, set the cake back in the :oven for three or foui minutes." "Will you:promise me ?" said the court.; "Yes, promise!" she angrily ,exell4med, "but I wish ybu * wouldn't talk so much--you put me all out" • ' She• stood off and, glared at his -honoi . , and then s tapping - her finger at the railing confirm ed : - • ' ' "Yen take about '.Et quart of flour---about a quart. You 'put in a htinka butter abOutlis big as awalnut, and you i break in three ior tour"— - "You may break out," said the'court. "Well, 1 will. I want to get somewhere 'where]. can write down s reftirie: before I forget it." t 1 'Abe pushed ber way through the crowd to the doer, and as she stepped out she was heard *uttering:: . "Quart of fioui—four eggs—five Minutes; -Apr A Echo!sr in a country school was asked, "How do you parse 'Mary milks the covi The last word was ok as to4vm i— t`Oovir, a nonnifeminie gender, third person,and stands' f9r Mary." "Stands for Mary I .FlOigr do you male that out?"' , Because," added the intelligent pUpii, l'if the cow _ didn't stand 'for Mary, how could she tulitt•her ?" • . . ."Lunatic fringe," is the nattier given in New. York to the fashion of cropping' the hair and letting the ends hang.down ever the forehead. Vwather Mr Jonea capita weatbe '"C • • , ita ,e • f l r• 14y wi e',s' got aucb. a cold that she cant tipeali• I like such weather." THE I) MPORTANT': ANNOUNCEMENT; C. ,e4a . A. -CORTESY I CA-CDCPX)IIS, ; • kgRCHANT TAILORING', 1..„ . AT OUR NEW . STORE, t / • No. 21 Court Street, ' , • • • ) We *mild respectfully announce to the public that. !we have removed to our new and. spacious 'store. No. 21 corner of -court and Water streets. and are filling it withanew atom , of goods that have just arrived. Our stock of Dresii Goods, Shawls, - cte:; are of the very lat est Spring patterns and styles and purchased for cash when the market was most depressed. — . - In the line - of Fancy Goode. Hosiery, Gloves, Hair Goode, Ribbons , etc., our stack is unsurpassed. We have also opened a Department of Merchant Tailoring, and have jut , ` - purchased a large stock of, the latest styles in the line of Cloths, Casstmeres, etc.; and of the very beet anti' ity. We have einployed to take charge of this Department. DIR. T. D. TAYLOR, long'the leading and most sticcessfalentter to ttis city; and .who always guarantees a perfect St. Mr. Taylor did the se lecting of the - cloths, cassimeres, trimmings; etc., for this dep • rtment, which should-satisfy all that we have the latest and most lash ion...ble styles. We cordially thank our patrons for past favors; and :promise them and the public generally that we are: bet ' ter prepared'than ever to, supply anything in our line. We solicit your patronage. • • . C. & A. coll'irszy, Bingliamton r APril•l9, 1876. MIMI RAT t 4T 4 1~l =MEE It;isc,ellpeou. Duchy it 00. er. A GENT g '&l6 j utisr:eiril j _eeaLY . fgreetellTL - Progia free. MunyOrt & opontler, rubs:Phila. Pa. 20 AGENTS For best chance In the woritio coin money. Address U.S. SAFETY poem CO; Nowark, N. J. r , AGENTS Wanteo for THE CENTENNIAL BOOK OF BIOGRAPHY, or the lives of the groat men of our first 100 years. bend for circulars. P. W. ZIh.O LER & CO., 518 Arch street, Phila. 20 MDY 'r icls : i t T"r mti fOOS talks;root une :verba tim reports. 500 pages $2. Just out. 8000 sot . before publication. AGENTS WANTED. B. B. TREAT; Publisher. 805 Broadway, N.Y., 20 SOMETHING 'NEW rattelggri, LockTa lea Door Fastener. Safe protection against „burglars. E. ery family will buy. Apply to D. L. GUl:Mini% Mater Agent. Concord, . , •18 IisIISYCHOMANCY.or SOUL CHARMING. Hoe eith- E - er sex may fascinate and gain the lots and area tione of any person they choose -instantly. This am ple. mental acquirement all can possess. free, by for 25c. together with a marriage guide, Egyptian Olt - - cle. Dreams, Hints to Ladies. Wedding Nieht.Shirt:46e, A queer book. Address T. WILLIAM CO., Pubs. Philadelphia. , IS $5 To w it.lantr ch a a ny wlt i te n d v fo r r ti v n o e m w a ' n ou c s a l u ne c ts ,;l l4l , - make $5 to .$lO a day. One who had 1 I", never , :anvassed% betel°. made $7 50 In A one hour : an experienced agent made XI. $72 75 in 15 hours. Particulars free. C. DAY-t. e . kr e G ian M o a w nler A. 6&D za ti o an t e o S l L., SURE 2 :s r o s n k ib e l n e ts a e n r d tr re ao li r a c l il l n e tlr a y n i d n r u i c ri e k tri b en e t o o t: , —N. Y. Weekly Sun , April 19,1816. . 19w3 An'agerit'llyt cleared $199 fret three weeks selling t 34 L,FE...N./r) L t, .-: - C --: ol" r - IM iNGSTON Anothei tBO. flrst oi days, - 0ver.150,000 copies of 'his standard Life of the Veteran Explorer sold. 150,010 more n eedediby the people. A book of matchles s interest profusely illustrated. and 'very cheap, A rapid *tante for ager.ta. For prnof & termb,addreas BubbardEres , 723 klansom at., Phila. ,111 F 9/1 CatiGITS..COLDS; HOARSKNESEt, AND- ALL THROAT I?ISEASY4, ' WELL'S CARBiILIB.: TA_BLETS. PUT UP _ONLY 1N 'BLUE 130:xES. - , A.TRIED AND SURE, REMODY. Sold ty Druggists generally, and - 20 Johnston. Ilollowas & Co. .PADadeliobia. Ps. THE GREATESfiELLING CENTiENTALBOOXIS RNTR74IErouRVS Rich and complete in our thrilling' history of 100 years; and grand in -V ivid description! , of all our mighty to- F sources in riculture.cointnere,minertil•i,manufactures, finances, 1., vernment, curiosities. natural wormers, works :of rt, etc. Richly ilin.trated and • cheap. A splenpid - view of the (Wu's 1, e Most nation"No otherliook like it. Outsells mere histozies five to one. Anents.wanted quickly. Address'; HUBBARD BROS., 723 San iom et., Phila. IS.- - AGENTS.WANTED FOR THE U.ENTENNIAL HISTORY OF THE 11 S Tbegreat interest in our thrilling history makes this the fastest selling book ever published. It contains a tull account of the Grand Centehnial Exhibition. , CAUTION.—OId. fricomplete and Unreliable works are being circulated see that the lbook you buy con tains 442' Pine Engraving and 92i pages. Send for circulars and extra terms to Agents. Address, National Publishing Co.,.Phila.. Pa. 20 1,8741 W3ERF NOW . ?- 18*1 To 'ffic*litrut, one of the' foremost, ,flonrishing aid healthy Sta:ei I ,WHAT FOR ? To buy a Farm eat of dm One Million Acres of dnefarming lands for rale by' titer Grand Rapt& - 4 , Indiana R. R. Strong Solis. Ready Markets, Lure Crops. Good Schools, R. R. runs through centre of. grant. Setille-'• ments all along. Ali-kinds of Products raised,PletaW of water, timber tlnd building materials. Prieti httpiu $4 to Sniper acre ; one fourth down, balance on t illrliend for illustrated pamphlet; fol, of facts slid figures and be convinced. Address W. A. 110 WARD, Commsr.. 134.e-o•w • Grand Rapids _ P. A.L. PIERCE, Seely Land Deputy. .IT • PAY.Q .. . . any; smart man who 'wishes to snake S2,Q a Ti k nlo ( i T hus a is rip one in your county who carries on gie btigineas, - You can learn l it-i in: one vieekisy stq'tlyingour instruetiOns, tWlSibli we sendt to aii who - asks for them. Arsy nian t hitting $lOO 64 7 itt.i to start with,.can:lpurclr;seenough mat* , al to roof ,three ordinary' houses. • The ium• re allied from sale and profit on this supply, add' , edito the regular pay for, labor as Roofer,sturaid amount, to not less. t h an! PA • A.n ; expert. nun cdiddeirSily - do the work in nine working diva.• Tivo . persons means can join together tri4idvantage ; •one canvassing, .virbi e the °Ow - atkends,to!r,he work :!Send for our - book of if struetioriS (free if yo rtivriteitt . once) and sir: 14 . 'Ask fiir terms.: It you are: unable _v4nce the !.money, .present the matter •to - 110 principal storekeeper-in • your place, and- talk it over with him. lle will be glAd to furnishA sitsck . and , divide the 'profit with yOu;', • WO. giiiirmstee' the territory to th(s . Ant re0P9011.4 1 11 0 044. t.:: •. Address - stale isolating 100 - 4..Lunited vetdar apti mention. Ac: - ;.. ElR'clsT.:' 111.0. -. .11.1$1:-1$511.1TMENTit„RE.4011111 I DRY 'OOO,ps;,...CLOtHING, If-,4,.T5:.:AM.)-.-64PS, Is the ' `lliENHilit ., l3LocE.;7: - . - . , .ci . s4tir . :# o'o,, pa.. MA,ll"goodS boUght - with care and' for cash only. gains just received:' Country Produce of all kinds marketed in Philadelphia; : and Now York. "We"dome" to both old and . hew customers. Great- Ben4:-May:loth,lB7o. t2R,Din 02%11511151 MATHUSHEK AND CHICKERDIB J. F. BRONSON'S MUSIC a JEWELRY STORE. • A LAMM ASSORTBEIMP OP GOLD AND ""r A SILVER W I&TCHES PME:II AN ENDLESS VARIETY 4 F CLOCKS. 31. 313 • 1719 Zl l 3La "r: NEW GOODS COI+STA.NTLY ARRIVING. ' George Woods.. & Co's GREAT REDUCTION . IN PRICES rirWatebei. Ciocica, and Fine Jewpiry,:re,Ao ' - paired abort riotiCe and warranted. Brick _Block, - Fine - Engraving done. ' March 12d,1876. 11384• THE PORN DRY lONS ND CLOTHING HOUSE • • • • • • • • • p • II GUTttNTIURG,' ROSENBAUAI...& , Co. . Is still in. Montrose, being established nearly a quarter of . _a century. tnt 'intend to be another. Are carrying tits largest awl most complete assortment of Dry Goals,, Beady-Made , Clothing, , 6c., c..,of t any, ot her firm in On County. Our facilities for buying in large quantitiett 'of first hands by the 'otiginat parkagevi,' and 1 y havingt resident buyer constantly in tbe,market,is sucti,tbat it mak4s it alutoet kn,imps,ssibility for any 'new orold dealers to compete With us in piices. M. S. Dessauer, having just returned from New York with a large- *tusk of seasonable`goodi, boughtfte Cash at the most favorable rates.prices being so tet9pting that be bought hvavier than usual , and mostly :At hugs &action Sales; .• We will ; can 'and shall sell them at astonishingly low figures. ' I r . DRY GOODS; CARPETS, MILLiNERY AND FANCY GOADS; LADIES' - AND GENTS' FURNISHING GOODS, e a - sr -Al n cil c• t - :Ix.g Of our owl manufacture. and well apßreciated for ittrauperickyOrkmanittli) , ' nAtS, GAPS L&C &C -• Fine lot of Cloths, Cassitnera and Fultin'goi'fof Ctitom Work.. ileasure* tskeo and rerfeit IlttiogatuiroP teed. Only reliable goods sold that will bear trecommendatioh. Price list furnishedau apilicattou at our ess , tom. We sill say for - one and all, that we defy Competion. 'RespeCtfulty.yopre. . . , • lioritroset 12, 1876. ' Via. BINGNAMTC , Ni ",.. WHOLIISALIt DRILLS IN• ' • • r • • .... . BRONZE LAMPS, OPAL LAMPS, ALL GLASS I,,AMPS.''HAND LAMP& BILENERS, WICKS, SI;IADES, SHADE HOLDERS,' &c., STVIii 'OP 'PLINVAND tOMMON'CIIIMNEft BPBCIAL ixtiticsmßirrs IN . ALSO, iIANUFACTE'RER OF '• :grdieuP4iLivrnEax, InnAtkrtin.. p;loB6tuferontood ao Low ao arty- !owe iis' , sotstium .41T4t0 fork. . .. A &trewsby thin Promptly Attended Teo. ; Iterch.Bl.lB7s. • • A. S. 1110111. BEST 1 100 'PRINTING Largo i i i i t,ock of JOB TYPE FOUR Printial, Presses, we Dl'iy ComePeti" Bo* kn. Frio And Quality, either': in Plain flack or . Colored Watit. The: Weeded of. the BRYANT., do•sinzirml nu t rrows.comrat... , " made ofte4toroonto So Mg Duties umros to ai d'nts mimeo on drag WO seovoes of the . UNITED 'STATES:CENTENNIAL:EXHIBITION Pry 10M Ilr► take Rt least n, month l01)1: ap.l3niterrft:l3/.= a r t i c " t f rei rr ie an Puts Cif the or r + ll , prisockiest e t ts tsfr.th usilm 4.114 ou Wedelns* exam • talustitgeneei oev:opeiti me_stett: joa Wars; addrow,. - • • • • oulammliftm lik Teeth ISOM Pl' • BEENE .”.7'..W.T...X'q`X.A.7.,... r' ' BOOTS , AND SHOE ' S, NOTIONS, WALL PAPER, ....A,T...... Oli all Descriptions. This Spring. A FINE •ASSORI*EM FA.ctg il3etter ' That::-Ei.otioill:., OUR sfiourVOMPRISES AS USUAL, - • ire continually addini new niatecial to our office, and imr MIRE STATIONERY, &C. AND OTHER ORGANS. J. F. BRONSON, AG'T, MUSICAL MEMCMANDISE Of all f pfacriptions. SHEET_ MEtEM'INSTRUCIION BOOKS, C 3P ii!. " An immenot. Hui of Bar. GEO. L. New LENHEIM. Hie Store.) W. Ep!3 • l i .p"ir sib' ClCl.vap wnoLEAALs , AND RETAIL. etc: ete.' 01%TROSE, pa. GUTTENBURG,- ROSISBAUN 8c Co, M. s. nESßADif.l2,44ll,ging Partner. . Air 'ME LOWET j -~ i r \ ~.,.~~ EMMIIII 1870. II IS' LEY 1. Citilfitiß. EIMER