Handel la said to hare had neb a
appetite that on one occasion be order
ed dinner for three at a hotel and pre
sented himself alone to enjoy It "Shall
1 serve dinner, air, or wait for the com
pany?" said the waiter. "Company T"
aald Handel, "rat company? I am m
company; serve se dinner, prestissimo."
Dr. Macnamara, a noted ex-teechet
of England, onoe aaked a boy tn a rnral
tu-hool the definition of the word "pil
grim." "A pilgrim," answered the boy,
"is a man who travels from place to
place." "I do that," aald the Inapec
tor; "am I a pilgrim?" The answer
came: "No, air; a pilgrim la a good
man."
In bis "Lighter Moments," the late
Bishop Walaham How tells of a lady, a
great admirer of a certain preacher,
who took Bishop Magee with her to
hear him. and asked him afterward
what he thought of the sermon. "It
was very long," the bishop said. Tee,"
said the lady, "bat there was a saint In
the pulpit." "And a martyr In the
pew," rejoined the bishop.
Not long ago Senator Hoar, who la
noted as an inveterate punster, was
Joined In the corridor of the Capitol by
a former colleague In the Senate, and
as they approached the entrance to the
Senate chamber Mr. Hoar motioned his
companion to pass la first. "After
you," aald the ax-Senator, drawing
back poUtaly. "No, Indeed," retorted
Senator Hoart The Z'a alwaya go be
fore the wtee."
A soldier of the Twentieth Kansas
tells this store at the expense of a
fellow-aoldter: "When we were sent
out on the firing Una, Pete Hogan was
lying hah In a a tree, out of the way of
bullets. All at once he yelled ont like
a wild man, "Captain, I cannot stand
these darned ants biting me all the
timer Zip! A ballet passed close to
his body. "On second thoughts, cap
tain,' he yelled, 1 can stand them! "
Charles Macklln, the noted English
actor, was on one occasion boasting of
the perfection of bis memory, declaring
that he had so trained It that he would
undertake to recite anything upon once
hearing it. Samuel Foote offered him
the following sentences as a test, a test
to which be proved unequal: "So she
went Into the garden to cnt a cabbage
leaf to make an apple pie; and at the
same time a great she-bear coming up
the street pops Its bead into the shop.
What! no soapT So he died, and she
rery imprudently married the barber,
and there were present the Picntnnles.
I ad the JoblUIes.and the Gary nlles, and
the Grand Panjandrum himself, with
the little round button at top; and they
all fell to playing the game of catch-as-catch-can
till the gunpowder ran out of
the heels of their boots."
A determined lady from the West
rlsited Washington, D. C, not long ago,
for the purpose of interviewing a mem
ber of the cabinet on a subject of in
terest to her. She called, as K hap
pened. Just at the time when the frauds
In the Cuban postal department were
made public, and the majority of the
President's advisers, absorbed In con
sidering the matter, had given Instruc
tions that tbey were not to be disturb
ed. "So you refuse to take my card to
the Secretary T" asked the determined
lady of the messenger. "It would be
gainst my orders, and I don't dare to,"
replied the messenger, politely. The
visitor turned away In high dudgeon,
but a happy thought occurred to her,
and she retraced her steps. "Here, my
man," she said, insinuatingly, "here Is
fifty cents; now will you take my card
in?" "I'm paid a bigger salary than
that to keep your card out, madam,"
responded the darkey, shaking his
head.
His Talk Won.
An ungrooined man slouched up to
Ed P. Smith on Faxnam street the oth
er day and accosted him as follows:
"Say. mister. If I was to tell you that
I wanted a quarter to get a square meal
you'd think I wanted it to buy whisky,
wouldn't youT"
"That's exactly what I would think,"
replied Smith.
"And If I said I wanted a quarter to
buy whisky, you'd say you didn't pro
pose to encourage the drink habit,
wouldn't you 7"
"That's what I'd say."
"And If I said I wanted a quarter to
buy food for a starving wife and eleven
children, you'd think I was a liar.
wouldn't you?"
"I would."
"Well, say, mister, I want a quarter
to pay fer having me mother-in-law's
trunk hauled to the depot. Do I get It?"
Smith effected a compromise by part
ing with a dime. Omaha World-Herald.
Its One Bleaainac
"Hot weather is a great help after
all."
"What do you mean?"
"When it Is hot we feel Justified in
putting off unpleasant work till It
grows cooler." Chicago Record.
Ecoaonr.
Bill top You must be doing mighty
well, old man, to be able to charter a
yacht.
Capton Not at all. I'm doing it, to
save money.
"How's thatr
"I'm going to keep my wife at sea
for a whole month." Harper's Bazar
Boater.
"Don't you thmk every man is mas
tor of bis own destiny?"
"Oh, I don't know; he gets out of s
lot of blame by letting somebody else
boss things." Chicago Record.
Poetry ot Capo Noma,
Blmly Nine-tenths of the crazy
crowd that went to Cape Nome on a
gold chase are down on the shore wait
ing for ships and quoting poetry.
Tlmly Poetry and In such a place?
Blmly Yes, It goes like this, short
and sweet:
Nome;
Home.
Itaoa to Offset Dollar.
"I can always tell when Harry has
Indulged himself In an extravagant
luncheon down town."
"How do you tell?"
"He always comes home and wants
to treat me to a trolley ride."
Reprimanded.
"What would you do If I should kiss
your he asked.
"Coward!" she cried scornfully. Chi
cago Post.
Anticipated.
Tramp Lady, I am a man with a
history
Mrs. Nogo Well, I won't talk to any
book agents. Chicago New.
DECLINED A C110WN.
MANY HAVE DONE SO SINCE JU
LI US CAESAR'S TIME.
ra of the hnoM Who Have Re
fined to Bmn Klaaa-Throne of
Greece Want Boa; Kin a Boats Tim
Similar Experience) la Boaaiaala,
It. la no mean distinction to hare re
fused a crown. There la probably not
one man in a million who would decline
a kingdom if It were offered him. In
spite of the restless nights and fearful
days that are commonly supposed to be
the lot of a King. Even Cromwell Is
said to have refused the crown of En
gland more from fear of others than
from any other motive.
But there have been many men since
Cromwell who have refused to wear
monarch's crown. Thirty-five yean
ago, when the throne of Greece was
vacant, more than one great English
statesman might have ruled over the
destinies of tbat classic country, but
the difficulties In the way were formid
able. Mr. Gladstone's name was freely
mentioned in connection with the
crown of Greece, though, as Mr. Glad
stone was a member of the government
at the time, the proposal never took
definite shape.
The late Lord Derby, however, who
had strong sympathies with Greece,
was offered the crown and refused It,
throwing away 60,000 a year and a
kingdom. It was not the first time a
man had declined to ait on the throne
of tJreece Prince Leopold, the fathei
of the present King of the Belgians,
having refused the crown when Greece
was declared a kingdom. In 1830. Prlnc
Leopold's reason for refusing the crows
was that the boundaries of the countrj
were Insufficient, the exclusion of Cret
especially Influencing his decision.
One of Queen Victoria s sons, tut
Duke of Edinburgh, has also Deen or- OTer until the cords are well twlst
fered the Grecian crown. He was ap-' together. Then pull the match back
pealed to In the '00s, at the time Lord j 10 tnat one end of It rests on the shank
Derbv declined the crown, but wa
compelled to refuse the office, owing tc
the attitude of the powers, who strong
ly declared their opposition to Princt
Alfred berng crowned King of th
Greeks. The throne was then offered
to the present King, on whose behall , for the experiment. When you remove
it was accepted by his father, the King rour restraining finger from the match
f Denmark. j the end of the match will Instantly de-
Tile crown of Austria-Hungary wai . lorlbe a complete circle, as shown by
it-fused In the middle of the century bj j the dotted lines In the picture, but the
the Archduke Fran Karl, the faiiiei j funny part of It Is tbat the match will
of the present Emperor. King Fonll teem to cut right through the shank
nand I. abdicated In December, . f the wishbone In order to get to the
the throne then descending In the or-ther side. You may do the track as
dlnary course to Archduke Frana Karl many times as you please, but the eye
The Archduke, however, declined th will never detect the match in the act
crown, which he handed over to hit ' f describing the circle,
son, who still wears it. -
Another crown which h been mor. green
than once refused toth. crown of Bou-,amp M. lived a soTcHer
js? 31a. When Houmania was declared ,h gione. He had traveled a long way
a kingdom It was settled that the fronB a dark underground country, bent
throne should descend to Prince Leo ; n seeing the world. The first thing
pold. the eldest brother of the then ( saw was a broad field, full of wav
relgning King. The Prince, however, ; mg banners, and he thought, "What a
voluntarily yielded his rights to the ' beautiful place I have discovered!" and
crown In favor of his son. Prince WI1- pitched his tent among the green
helm, the renunciation being registered grasses.
In the'Senate in October, 1880. Prince j The raindrop elves saw how tired
Wllhelm remained heir apparent for ,nd dirty he was from his long Jour
eight years, but toward the end of !SS9 0ey northward, and soothed him with
lie formally refused to accept the stories and refreshed him with a show
crown, and his brother became heir np- r bath. Through the clouds came the
parent, being now Prince of Rouman:a. tunbeam fairies, bringing hiin s hsnd
The Prince has since married Princess ! tome uniform of green and gold and a
Marie, a granddaughter of Queen V !o j juiver of golden arrows. Then the sol
tori a. j Her was very happy and smiled out at
Not many years ago a nephew of the passers-by, cheering many a weary
great Napoleon died in exile, after re-.traveler with a glimpse of his sunny
fusing a crown. Prince Napoleon, nick
named "Plon-Plon," son. of a brother
of Napoleon Bonaparte, was Invited to :
sit on the throne of Rouinanla as the
first King of that country, but he de
clined the offer, believing at the time
that be might ascend the throne of
France. So the bird in the hand flew
away, and the bird In the buah was
never canght. The man who had
hoped to be crowned King of France
died out of that country In solitary ex
ile. He had sacrificed one crown In the
hope of receiving another, and lost
both.
Early In the present century Ferdi
nand VII. renounced the crown of
Spain In favor of his father, who again
refused tt In favor of Napoleon
Thtj
great conqueror had to face a natioc
In arms, however, and never took th
throne.
The story of Lord Beaconsfield's gold
en crown provides us with another In
stance, though there was no thront
with this strange crown. The man is
whose brain the Idea of crowning Lord
Reaconsfleld originated is now dear,
but as long as he lived he never recov
ered from the blow of Lord Beacons
field's refusal of this tribute. Tracy
Turnerelli received subscriptions from j
50,000 people toward his gold lauref
wreath, but m June. 1879, when he for
mally offered the crown to his Idol, 11
was refused. Philadelphia Times.
Took Hint at His Word.
"Thar one er them agents what
sells clocks on a credit wants to see
you right off," said the new farm hand.
"Hang the agentl" exclaimed tbe
farmer; "I don't want to see him or his
clocks!"
" Tbe new farm hand vanished and did
not return for an hour.
When be put in an appearance he
asked:
- "Whar" bouts roun' here does the cor
oner live?"
"What in thunder does you want with
the coroner?"
"Well," said the new farm band, tak
ing a seat on a stump and wiping the
perspiration from his brow with his
shirt sleeve, "I hanged him T' Atlanta
Constitution.
A I'ncfut Sour.
"What shall I sing, Clarence?"
"Sing that lovely old-time song.
Lorena.' "
"Oh, I see; you're fixing to gat a good
long nap."
An old bachelor says the reon be
never married Is because he was afraid
he might neglect his wife In after
wears or she might neglect him.
The alna of the father are visited on
the son, but the sins of the son often
keep the whole family awake nights.
A very little woman is often at the
bottom of a very big fuss.
Ignorance of the law excuses no one
ax cent the policeman with a "nnll."
"SUPPOSE I DIE"
AVe have helped the people to answer
that question for half a century or more;
to make provision for their survivors.
We do more: We assist men in mak
ing provision for their old sge, when
the money producing power is waning.
Get our free booklet "Th- How and
The Why." It brushes cobwebs from
the brain.
PENN MUTUAL LIFE INSURANCE CO.
S1MZM2I tlnllH St MULADELrBIA.
OUR E0TBAND G1H1&
THIS IS THEIR DEPARTMENT OP
THE PAPER
Qaalat oyl Cto Dia tho
Little Vol Kverywaare, Gathered
ad Frlatedl Hera for AU Other tit
tie Oaea to BeaeV . ,'r -
it is an old saying that the hand h
quicker than the eye, and the sleight
f-hand man makes use of this f act li
performing some of his seemingly mar
reloua tricks. Tricks that are decep
tive to the eyes are classed amoni
"optical Illusions" and are often rery
simple. "The accompanying illustration
win help you to understand a simple
illusion that may be . produced , by
means of a common wishbone.
For making the little machine shows
In the picture a duck's wishbone servet
best. Fasten a strong piece of twine tc
one of the points of the wishbone; past
the twine to the opposite point and
fasten It, and then carry rt back to th
first prong and fasten, thus connecting
the two prongs of the wishbone by twe
bits of twine. Half way between th
prongs and between the cords insert a
match and twist It, turning K over
f the wishbone.
Now If you reverse the position of the
match so that Its loose end rests on
the opposite side of the wishbone and
has to be held In place to keep it from
Hying back your machine will be ready
face.
By and by spring went away over the
hilltops, the birds had finished building
their nests and the butterflies and
grasshoppers came to herald summer.
Then the soldier began to feel tired
ind knew he was growing old. His
ray uniform had faded and the golden
it-rows had turned to silver, and the
wind brownies shot them far away.
3o the soldier crept down among the
preen grasses and his little camp waa
eft empty. Everywhere his silver ar
rows fell there blossomed bright golden
Sowers "dandelions," children called
them.
Nnrenberg Tors.
The quaint town of Nuremberg, in
South Germany, has become the prln-
:lpal toy factory of Europe. The best
wooden toys come from the Black For
Mt, where peasants carve them from
ivhlte pine and put them together dur
ng the long winter nights; and the
costliest wax dolls are fashioned In
Paris; but there is hardly anything else
n the wonderland of childhood that Is
lot made In the dreamy medieval
dvd of Nuremberg.
When Dickens wrote his novels there
iras a large toy Industry In the East of
oa, and It did not escape the keen
!ye of that close observer. If he were
low living, he would find it difficult to
ind traces of a craft which suggested
loine of the most charming scenes of
lis stories.
The London toy-makers have disap
peared. Dolls may still be dressed
:bere for English nurseries, but they
ire no longer made In England.
The bulk of tbe so-called French
lolls, which are sold all over the world,
tome from Nuremberg, where the toy
nakers have mastered tbe art of Joini
ng arms and legs and of extracting
nuslcal squeaks and plaintive cries
from contracted waists. The old' town
is also the headquarters of the Euro
pean trade in Noah'a arks, lead and tin
"ildlers, and all the standard metal
ind wooden toys.
For many years the best mechanical
toys were made either in London or In
America. London has lost this trade
entirely, and American ingenuity Is left
to compete with -the Industry In South
Germany. The shops of Paris and
London are now stocked with steam
tnsines. magnetic toys and mechanical
playthings from Nuremberg and Vi
enna. In the old churches of Nuremberg
are to be found wonderful examples of
the medieval art of wood-carvers and
metal-workers. . These famous handi
crafts, which werecreated for the
adornment of churches, survive In the
toy trade. Youth's .Companion.
Pasaina Beana.'
This is an exciting game, and needs
at least twoi older'; people to superin
tend it. The children are all arranged
In two lines, with a small table or chair
at tbe bead of the line, upon which it
placed a bowl of common white beana
There should be .the same number of
beans in each bowl, about 12 or 14 in
all. -
The child next tbe bowl takes out a
bean, passing It to the next child, who
in turn passes It on down the line,
while the leader continues to take out
the beans one by one until all are
' l Missed, the order being reversed when
the end of the line Is reached, and the
beans started back again, the child at
the end dropping them Into the bogl.
! There are sure to be several beans
dropped In the excitement, and when
all are returned those In each bowl art
counted, tha ana haTlac tfca greatest
" V '
ROW TBI TRICK IS DOBS.
umber winning the Kama. Is
both sides are even la number of beans
at the end the one who can get them
in first wins the game. It will be well
for some of the older people who are
helping to entertain the children to
stand near each of the lines to keep oi
Ar. as this Is a most exciting game.
' t Beads for Her. .
'Well,! Dean,? said bis tired Auntie,
"how many tongues nave you got r
"Three,' quickly replied Master
Dean. '
"Indeed! , Where are they!"
i "One in-' my mouth and on In each
hoe." ' . r
. .Dick's Xkeacriptloa.
"This Is little Dick's description of his
first flash of lightning and first clap of
thunder: "Oh. mamma, I saw an angel
go Into heaven and bang the door after
If ! . . . . ;
FICTION STICKS TO THE TRUTH,
Cold Fact Is the Only Thins that Deals
with Improbabilities.
Professor It. G.- Moult on of the Bn
gllsh department at the University of
Chicago haa a way of enlivening his
lectures by pointed and homely Illus
trations.
"Sometimes we hear as an objection
to the plot of a nrst-class novel that It
Is utterly Improbable," aald the profes
tor a few days ago. "Now the fact Is
tbat the only thing which Is true is Ac
tion. There Is nothing so false as what
we call the truth. Facts always give
tome loophole of escape. . For Instance,
there was a man that you' ought to
know about, who wished very much to
xtinmlt suicide. Shocking? Yes, to be
ure. -but the man was not troubled
with a conscience. The only thing that
worried him was the fear that he
should make a failure of his attempt to
kill himself. I know myself so well
that I feel sure the thing would be a
3 a sco,' he always declared. For thirty
rears this conviction was the only ob
ttacie that stood between tbat man and
loath.
"Finally be mustered up the courage
ne day to try to commit suicide. He
went over ail the details carefully and
took every precaution against failure,
lie went to the edge of a cliff over
banging the sea near his home.. With
him he carried a revolver, a bottle of
poison, a rope, and a box of matches,
lie tied one end of the robe around his
aei-k and fastened the other end to a
:ree near by. Then he swallowed th
mison, set Ore to his clothes, fired th
ilstol at his head and Jumped off the
liff."
Professor Moulton ended bla story
lere and blandly proceeded to bow
ilmself out of his class room.
"But, professor, was the man killed?"
tlionted the overwrought class of fu-
ure novelists , ,
"By no means," replied the professor.
n astonisnmenr. "Excitement made
the man nervous and his pistol shot
went wide of the mark. The rope
'aught fire from his burning clothing,
atne In two in a trice, and tbe man
ell into tbe water and that put out the
lames. He never was a very good snil-
ir anyhow and the poison hardly re
mained long enough in his system to
nnke hlni rtixzy. He was rescued by an
flicious fisherman, who charged SS for
lis trouble. And yet people talk about
he improbabilities of fiction." Chicago
Inter Ocean -
MACHINES SURPRISED HIM.
y reach Enslacer Attoniehed by Bcoa.
omj of A mcrlcan Machine Bhopa.
An expert French observer thinks,
hat although we Americans may waste,
Tood we certainly do not waste energy.'
A. French officer of engineers gave the
.'ollowlng account recently of what he
jad seen In American factories:
"I have been In America six months,
ind have visited the mines and manu
facturing establishments In the East,
West, North and South. I have seen
:he most gigantic engineering opera
ions and the most powerful machinery
n the world, but I shall report to my
government that the biggest things In
America are the little things. Tbe
French people are experts In domestic
Ntonomy, and live comfortably by sav
ng what your average families throw
iway. But Americans are, on the other
land, experts In Industrial economy.
Vou make money by saving wastage In
business, and you lose some of it by
wastage In your domestic economy.
The attention paid to small details In
rour big works is amazing to me. I
lave visited some establishments where
I believe the profits are not made In
the manufacture proper, but in the sav
ing of materials and labor by close at
tention to details that are with na un
considered trifles. For example, I saw,
n your shops Just now a little grlnd4
'tone In operation automatically sharp
ening lathe and planer tools. This ma
chine cost, probably, as much as 100
if our ordinary grindstones cost, but I
see that It automatically grinds all the
tools for 800 high-priced mechanics,
and It only works a few hours each
lay. The skilled mechanics In our
country frequently stop their regular
work to grind their own tools, and then
they do It Imperfectly. Your tools are
ill accurately ground to the best shape
by the machine, so that they do more
and better work on this account in a
slveii time. I believe that that ma
iiine has brains the brains of the In
ventorand It has no doubt revolution
ized work of this kind In American
machine shops." American Machinist-
Why They Wore Armor. "
To such a pitch of exasperation did
the practice of using buttons In the
shirt drive the men of the middle ages
tbat they adopted the plan of wearing
brass or steel armor, fastened together
with metallic bolts. The popular Idea
that men wore armor In order to fight
In It Is manifestly absurd, since no man
could possibly have fonght when In
cased in half a hundredweight of met
al. Armor was worn solely In order
to avoid the worry of shirts with miss
ing buttons.
There were -distinct advantages con
nected with the chain-steel shirts.
When one of these garments came
home on Saturday night from the wash
erwoman the owner could feel reason
ably certain that tbe metallic clasps at,
the neck and In the bosom were all In
their proper places, for no washerwom
an could have succeeded In detaching
them without the use of a cold chisel.
If It did so happen that tbe washer
woman's husband bad been run over
by a steam roller while wearing a steel
shirt belonging to one of his wife's cus
tomers, and one of the metallic fasten
ings had thereby been injured, the cus
tomer in question could not accuse bis
i wife of negligence, and demand to
! know why she failed to keep his shirts
In proper repair. Pearson's.
Fire and sword are but slow engines
of destruction In comparison with the
babbler.
People who have little to do are great
talkers. - Too, loss we think, the mors
B. F. KEITH.
The benefit given by Mr. B. F. Keith
at his Union Square Theatre, New
York, on Sunday evening, waa the
greatest and best managed affair of the
kind that has ever occurred in a vau
deville theatre. -Performances In aid
of the same noble cause, the relief of
thf Galveston sufferers, were Riven in
other theatres in the Metropolis, but the
best of the others did not do half so
well aa Keith's. Koster ft Bial's made
$132 for the relief fund: one of Miner's
theatres realised 1150, and another u;
the result at the Herald Square Thea
tre was 1348.25. and at Proctor's, the
best of the lot. J515. The money taken
In at Keith's and sent to the Galveston
people was 11201.50. This extraordi
nary result was due to several causes;
the great popularity of Mr. Keith and
th Influence of the Keith name; tne
superb .bill which was selected out of
the hundreds who volunteered, and the
splendid assistance given by the news
papers in advertising tbe affair. The
New York Herald. World. Sun. Times,
Tribune, Press, Evening World, Even
ing Sun. Commercial Advertiser, Eve
ning Post and Mail and Express con
tributed a large amount of space in
their advertising columns, besides giv
inar news space, and the New York
Journal booked the benefit with picto
rial adjuncts. The list or artists was
extraordinary, and the house was
crowded, and everything moved like
clockwork.
Undertaker "Busy?" Second Under
taker "Rushed to death." Judge.
'Were you on the flrtng-llne during
the war?" "Yes; I was one of the
cooks." Yonkers Statesman.
She "Do you believe tbe bowling of
a dog Is always followed by death?"
He "No; not always. Sometimes the
man who shoots at the dog la a pooin
marksman." Chicago News.
Ned "I ran across a very pretty girl
this morning." Ted "Did she flirt
with you?" Ned "No; after she re
gained consciousness she had me ar
rested for scorching." Exchange.
Fortune-teller "Your . future hus
band will be tall, have dark complex
Ion, and be very wealthy." The Caller
"Now, tell me another thing; how
can I get rid of my present husband?"
Tit-Bits.
Chappie "Averted tewlbble twagedy
Just now." Chollle "No! How?"
Chappie "Man said be would pound
me to mince-meat If 1 did not give him
half a crown, and I gave him half a
crown." Tit-Bits.
'Whafs the matter, old njan?" "Oh.
I've Just had a quarrel with my wife."
Well, forget and forgive." "I never
can forgive her; you see, I waa In the
wrong." "Then, In that case, demand
an apology." Harlem Life.
The Mistress "Bridget. I don't think
It looks well for you to entertain com
pany in the kitchen tbe way yon do."
The Cook "Thanks, mum, but I
wouldn't want t' take Mm Inf th'
parl'r; he spits t'baccy." Philadelphia
Bulletin.
She Is America's greatest actress,"
said Mrs. Tenspot, speaking of a
tragedienne whose name came up in
conversation. Indeed! Who says
to?" asked Mr. Tenspot "The man
who makes the pills tbat cured ber of
Indigestion." Puck.
Whatl butter and Jam! Why, Ethel.
my child, we'd soon be In tbe work
house at that rater' "The workhouse!
Why, mother. Uncle Bob says butter
and Jam's - economy." "Economy!
How?" "Oh, the same piece of bread
does for both." Boston Traveler.
Hardacre "Zeke answered an ad
vertisement whar they said they'd
send him a church organ for a dollar."
Crawfoot "What did he get?" Hard
acre "A sample copy of the New
Light marked: 'This Is the best church
organ published." Chicago News.
Hicks "Barry made a bet tbat every
person who came by his fence would
touch It, and he won." Wicks "Non
sense! How did it happen?" Hicks
"He merely stuck up the sign 'Paint,'
and of course everybody considered
himself called upon to feel of the
fence." Boston Transcript
"Remember one thing 1 am about to
tell you," said the successful man to
the ambitious young man. "It la a
rule that Is well worth remembering."
"What Is It sir?" "Never do anything
tbat your conscience will reproach you
for. Hire somebody else to do It"
Melbourne Weekly Times.
He (as they are seated In a quiet nook
near the links) "Are you quite sure
we never met before this season?"
She "Yes; quite positive." He "And
you haven't a sister?" She "No: why
do you ask?" He "Well, I'm positive
I hugged that shirt-waist before, some
where." Yonkers Statesman.
Father "Well, my son, what do yon
Intend to do for a living now that yon
have finished your ' college course?"
Son "I think I shall take up literature
as a profession." Father "Yon should
have thought of tbat before you en
tered college. Then I should have sent
you to West Point or Annapolis." New
York Evening Journal
Bridget (reading laboriously) "Hev
yon seen this, Pat? It ses here that
whin a mon loses wan av his sinses, his
other sinses get more develyuped. F"r
Instans, a blind mon gets more slnse
av hearin. an touch, an' " Pat
"Shure, an' it's quite tbrue; Ol've no
t'ced It meself. Whin a mon has wan
leg shorter than the other, begorra, the
other leg's longer. Isn't It now T Ex
change. A cyclist who stopped at a village Inn
boasted about his abilities as a rider
to such an extent that the landlord ven
tured to make a wager with him.
"Look here, -minister," said tha Inn
keeper, "yon can't ride up and down
this road till the cborch clock strikes
four." "Doner said the cyclist "Ifs
Just three-fifteen now;" and tha next
minute he was speeding down the road.
After about an hour's riding the cyclist
shouted to one of the bystanders, of
whom many had assembled: "I say,
has the church dock struck foar yet?"
"No. yon Idiot;" was the bluat reply.
"Why. our oh arch dock never strikes
at anr'nt-aMts. - .
ViM
If k woman's crown of glory
is her hair, Jessie Fraser, of
Fine, N.Y., must be a queenly
woman. She wrote us, last
January, that her hair war
nearly 64 inches long and very
thick.
And she gave Ayer's Hair
Vigor all tie credit for it.
Ayer's Hair Vigor may do
this for you.
We don't claim the 64 inches
every time, though.
J. C. Aver Coupakv,
Practical Chemist, LomrO, Man.
Aver' Ssnapwuu
Aycr't Pilb
Ayer't Ague Cmrt
Ayo-'i Hair Vigor
Ayer's Cherry Pactsral
Ayer't Comataas
Meridian Anta.
Amonc the curious Inhabitants ol
Australia are a species of termite
called the "meridian ants," becaust
tbey Invariably construct their long
narrow mounds so that the princlpa
axis of the dwelling runs exsctly north
snd south. These mounds are 6 or i
feet In height and consist of a eerie
of spires, topped with smaller spires,
and when viewed end on, they show a
remarkable resemblance to a many
spired cathedral.
Thar ts mora Calaira t CMs saeSloa of tot
country tnan all other diatoms put togwther.
aaa uaui we last
few rears was snnnnaml tn h
Incurable.
For a great many years docton
ironoanccd its local disease snd pmwribed
ooal remedies, and bj constantly failing: to
ears with local treatment pronounoed It in-
curable. Science haa proven catarrh to be a
oonratntional dlasase and therefore require
constitutional treatment. Hall's Catarrh Cure,
maanfactand by F. J. Cheney Ckv, Toledo.
Ohio, Is the only constitutional cure on the
market. It is taken internally In dmes from
lOdropstoateaspoonfuL It acta directly oa
the blond and mucous surfaces of the system.
They offer one hundred dollars for any case
It falls to care. Send for circulars and testi
monials. Address F.J. Chins tA Co-Toledo. O
Sold by Drumrlsts. 7c
Hall's ramify Pilli. are the best,
Coat of Street-Widening.
The widening of I.udgate hill, Lon
don, fifteen feet resulted in an expendi
ture at the rate of 2.000.(100 per mile;
the Fleet street widening, ten feet
3.000,000 per mile; and tbe Strand
widening, 6,000,000 per mile.
To Cars a Cold ta One riy.
Take Lsxatits Baoao Qcikiwb TsBlsts. Al
axurcltu refnnd the m -ney If It falls u cure
K. W. Grovs'S SICDature Is on each box. SV
What we do' uoon some srreat nr ra
tion will probably depned on what we
aireaay are, and what we are will he
the result of previous years of disci
pline. Dyspepsia is the bane of the human
fystem. Protect yourself against its
ravages by the use of Beenaan's Pepsin
Gum.
It Is wonderful what strength of
purpose and boldness and energy of
will are roused by the assurance that
'e are doing our duty.
FITS permanently cnicl No flu or nervous
ness after first day's aae of Dr. Kline's Great
Kerre kestorer. & trisl bottle and treaties free
Dr. JL H. KLIlf a, Ltd., ttll Arch su. finis., fa.
Let not the emphasis of hospitality
lie in bed and board, but let truth, love,
honor and courtesy flow In all thy
ieeds.
Mrs. Wlnslow's Soothing Srni;. for children
teething, soften the gums, reducing inflamma
tion, allays pals, cures wind colic 25c. a bouie.
The hours we pass with happy pros
pects In view are more pleasing 'than
those crowded with fruition.
Fuw's Cure s the best medicine we ever used
lor eU affections of throat snd lungs. Wm.
O. Bhdslbv. Vsnaaren. Ind. Feb. 10 i0D
A man who gives his children habits
of Industry provides for them better
than by giving them a fortune.
,T.hJtnu,mcturer ot Carter's Ink have had
forty years' experience in makimi It ami 512
mrtalrknowhow.SMd"!,!
Hailed His Whiskers to the Fence.
The patriarchal beard of one of the
"oldest inhabitants" of Consbohocken
ts still In its accustomed place upon his
chin, but it looks very moth-eaten and
ragged. This Is due to the fact that
the old man Is extremely near-sighted.
To sea an object plainly he Is compelled
to gat his optics within a few Inches of
it Tha otter day while pottering
around his house, the old man under
took to repair the picket fence around
the yard. Many of the palings had
been knocked off, and these It waa his
purpose to replace. He armed himself
with hammer and nails and started In.
He got his first paling In place, and
with much labor succeeded in fastening
It tnare. Bat that waa not all. When
he started to move on to the next break
he waa brought ap standing with a yell
of pain. Ha had nailed his whiskers
between the paling and the crossbar.
His yeH attracted the attention of his
koou wife, who, when she realised tbe
situation, brought her scissors into play
and released tha old man, minus a con
s. -.arable portion of his beard. Phila
delphia Beoard.
An M aohelor says that many
woman marry because of their curi
osity. Assure yourself you have accom-
pllahed no small feat If only you have
learned patience.
Robert
TttOttMT CAtttt ;
ttM Soaada a Warning Mat
a the TJnJs4esiedi . -
Bass'
OTHING can be
brighter or blatter
than to shine as
one of the lights
of the world.
Heavy r grade
need heavy en
gines. Affection Is the
best aid to mem
ory. . Progress Is tbe
secret of perma
nency. He whom the Spirit uses most Is most
useful.
Depression of spirit ought to lift us
to God. . , ' '
An ounce of oil saves many a pound
of pulL
The Lord's chariots are not all band
wagons. We really have only what we know
we have.
He who helps another shows himself
a brother. '
True spirituality Is In doing, not In
dreaming. -
Tbe future of a building rests on its
foundation.
When a man Is upright his head la
heavenward.
The downcast heart finds uplift by
bending the knees.
Kindness on earth marks the kin of
the King of heaven.
The Bread of Life Is a necessity
rather than a luxury.
The splendor of a station should not
make as lose the train.
Thoughts are beautiful only as they
are crystallised Into deeds.
When two empty beads hit together,
there is a good deal of rattle.
It la the man behind the gun who
makes tha man In front to tremble.
He who would be delivered from evil
must not lead himself Into tempatation.
Shrinking from shame for Christ Is
the thing we most need to be ashamed
of.
If, when men are driven to sin, tbey
would balk a little more, tbey would be
safe.
You cannot have much interest In
heaven when your principal Is all on
earth.
The world Is not brought any nearer
to God by the secularization of the
church.
Criticism of the churches will not be
accepted as a passport at tbe gate of
the City.
When a church Is a fountain of liv
ing waters, men do not forget where
they flow.
It is better to make mistakes In try
ing than to make tbe mistake of not
trying at all.
The first thing a soldier has to learn
Is not how to fight others, but bow to
subdue himself.
We are ever ready to confess our im
perfections so long as others are ready
to contradict us.
BROKE UP THE LOVE MATCH.
Telltale Boots oa a loan Woman's
Kara Indicated the Leprona Taint.
A young man of Bryn Mawr went to
the south seas for his health two years
ago and returned last week much ben
efited. He telle a sad story about the
daughter of a native king whom he met
on one of the smaller and more remote
of the Hawaiian Islands. She was a
beautiful girl and It waa hia greatest
pleasure to be with her, fishing and
bathing, and to sit beside her in the
council house listening 10 the songs of
the king's poets. It Is not unusual for
a white man to marry a Hawaiian, and
the youth from Bryn Mawr, without
prospects, almost penniless and with
hearth that waa always wretched In the
uncertain climate of his home, thought
sometimes that It would be wise snd
pleasant to marry the Hawaiian
princess and to live on her quiet and
beautiful Island for tbe rest of his days.
But suddenjy the princess became
sad, heart-broken. She went out no
more. She sat alone and wept day and
night The young man could find out
from no one what troubled her, for all
whom he questioned pretended not to
know. One day he met the princess by
chance on the beach alone and be asked
her what bad filled her life with sor
row. She pointed, with a strange ges
ture, to a tiny brown spot, like a mole,
on the lobe of each of her ears and she
ran her finger over her brows, which,
he now saw, were thinning. Then she
fled from the mystified youth and he
never saw her again. A year later on
another Island he beard a physician
say that the absence of eyebrows, to
gether with the brown spots on the
lobes of the ears, indicated the begin
ning of leprosy. Philadelphia Record.
Tha Bast Prescription for Chills
and Fever ts a bottle of Grove's Tastblksj
CatLL Tomo. It U simply iron and quinine ll
tasteless form, l.o cure no par. Price 60c
Commands the Red Sea.
Tbe southern entrance of the Red Sea
is commanded by the entrance of Aden
and the fort on tbe little island of
Perim, In the Straits of Bab-el-Mandeb.
the guns of the latter completely cover
ing the narrow channel and the fortress
dominating the entrance to the sea.
wane a Difference.
Jma (M dauter-You .hould
not play with rour r.v,-.- . " .
to play with such toys.
Daughter I am not olavHr- ...
common soldiers, mansl 7 nbi
log with the officers! play.
The will without
make the way.
the work cannot
moleTare ume?ou ature where
erve toVa the nd ' m'e ho,e"
H.Foerderer
THE REGULAR REPUBLICAN
NOMINEE.
BUFFERING AND
Three) Lattera from Mrs. j0k...
Bhowiritfthat Lydla B.
ham's vegetable Oomponns
Ooren the Ills of Woman
Wrote for fire. Pinkham's AsVl.
November, 1897 "m
' " Dsab Mrs. Pin iuh i
sufferer, have much trouble tlj??
the lower part of my bowels, aatT
writing to you for advice, klmta
irregular and scanty, am tronblagJIJJ
leuoorrhcea, and I ache so throsgi
back and down through my louj.?
have spells of bloating very bsii'
sometimes will be very large acaeni
times very much reduced." Has Cj?
E. JomrsoH, Box 88, Eumford Cmw
Maine, Nov. 20, lg7.
Improvement Reported
187
"Dkaji Mas. PiasiiaK : I .
tell you that I am improving la batha
I am ever so maeh better than vrasa I
wrote before. The trouble thranak
the lower part of bowels U Vstters
I am not bloated so badly. I na T,
much swollen through the -assl'
before I took Lydla . Prnkhami Va
table Compcmnd. I atlil hav
ing of fulness across my cheat I hirs
need three bottles of it and am oa tha
fourth." Mas. Cktas. E. JcHsson,
SB, Eumford Center, Maine, Dee.iui,
Enjoying Good Hearth Jims, igoe
" Dbar Mas. Pixiuixit : Elnce -gj,,
ago I have been taking your msdloiaa,
and am now strong and enjoying gvA
health. I have not Veen so wall tar
three years, and feel vary thankful ts
yon for what Lydia E. Pinkham's Vege
table Compound has done for tne. J
would advise all who suftcr with &
male troubles to try your medicine.
Mas. Chas. E. Jemrson, Boa S3, laaj.
ford Center. Maine. Jane 1. IS99.
Worms
T5 CHILDREN AU
veritable a em o (
and most be quli-kty
removed or riotu
results mar louo.
Tbe medicine which for the prim Q Taul
has held tbe record for sueceanfalljr rtd
ding children ot these pests Is Krev'i
Vermifuge made entirely from y ren
table products, containing; no calomel.
eta. at druggists, country stores or by mall
postpaid. K. A B. Fan, Baltimore. Ml.
FOR FIFTY YEARS I
MRS. UTNSLOWS
SOOTHING SYRUP
hmm brrn rosed try million of mothr for
thHr cblldin while TtubloK for ow Fifty
Yers, It "oothrw Ibe cblld. toficii tha
fumu, aUajra mil ptttn. cum wind colic umi
! tiit beat remedy for diuTtuMh.
Twnty-fiv Cnt n Bott'.
DROPSY
Mass- Sou of fliMonis
HEW DISCOVERT: i.
aaiek rwlitf and eoe-aa
itiaaotiiaie and lOdty' tmuM 1
Vrao. Sr.
WL a. lXaUI out. Boa a. AUuu a.
roid try dramrtpta.
That Utile Book For Ladles, SIS
aJJCK MASON. Bocbsstib. K. T.
DEATH IS EVER PRESENT.
Maker of tne Deadliest Poisoa Ever
Discovered by Ccicuce.
A factory for the manufacture ol
some of the deadliest poisons known li
located not far from the heart of New
York City and sufficient poison U be
ing made there now to annihilate tht
whole population of the greater city.
It la guarded carefully from all In
truders and no one passes beyond it
portals without a special permit snd
even employes have to be skilled la
their work and understand the nature
of the risk they take before admittance
Is granted them. In this factory ti
manufactured pnre anhydrous acid, a
drug that Is never placed on tbe mar
ket In Its pure state, and even In the
chemist's laboratory It is handled with
all the care of a poisonous reptile. It
the fumes of this acid should escape
the chemist would never live to tell
the tale. The man who discovered It
waa killed: by Inhaling Hs fumes, and
many another has met a similar death.
From 8 to 8 per cent of this acid di
luted with ninety-seven parts of water
forma prusslc acid. Even tht poison
is so deadly tbat Inhaling Its fume
would mean Instant death and It 1
never handled except In the factory or
a few large responsible laboratories.
Probably next in importance to this
add Is the cyanide of potassium, which
Is manufactured in tbe same factory,
only In another part of tbe hulldlof,
where a fire-proof and air tig-ht wall
shots it off from the first. Tbe fume
of this are not poisonous and one can
work In tbe room where it Is manu
factured without fear, except that b
must not touch It. The slightest quan
tity of the poison in Its pure suit
would kill if swallowed. Tbe fume o(
cyanide of potassium have a rath
er pleasant odor and It Is said it
the factory that it has a witching ef
fect en workmen. For all the world
the finished poison looks like crystal
lised soger and as you g.-ize on it and
smell the fascinating odor there 1 .
strong temptation to taste It. Thl
faeetaarlon is probably much like that
which draws a man over a steep preci
pice. aVt any rate the attraction to
taste of the poison Is so well recog
nised that a workman is never allowed
hi the room alone. In the m!xtng
room, where the men toll lfore a
huge caldron of molten cyanide -the
scene Is like that of some old wlh-b'i
care, especially If one knows the na
ture of the terrible poUun that th
men are brewing. New York Evening
Poet
Their Deve.t.
She Appearances are deceitful.
He Yes; a person can never tell Ju
bow much it is going to cost to ksep
them up. Puck.