Bloomsburg democrat. (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1867-1869, August 26, 1868, Image 1

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ProiNea tJudge—lNlWOLain Elwell.
raw Otity
AliMilite Judge '-- 1 eta Ilerbe
r_li j m.
Froth's? and Crk of Co e ase (Menem.
Register and Beeville ohn (31., From.
John 1 0 '
Counniesioners— , Montstmpery C o l e.
( David I
Sheriff—Mordecai Millard. eager,
Treaeurer—Jacob Wm.
(L. II Rupert,
Auditors-- . 1 , John I'._ I Innen.
( Jacob I lan rim.
tounnisiioner's Clerk—Wm. Kriekhnum.
l'omtuissioner's Attorney—b:. 11, Little.
Nereantile Appraiser—W. 11. Jacoby.
Vomits? Surveyor—lsaac A. D e witt,
%met Attroney—Milton M. Trough.
Voroner—William J. Ikeler,
Vounty Supointendent —Clue+. 11 Barkley,
Astesora Internal Become—B. F. Clark.
John Thomas,
:Assistant Ai.4e.mor— l4 11. biemer,
I lianiel Mellenry.
tolkdor—llerklamin F. Ilartalan,
'Bloomsburg lalterary.lustllute.
nENILY CARVER, A.'l., Principal and
Profesaor of Philosophy, &e.
Alin Sarah A. (.'arver, Prceeptress,
Teacher of French, Botany and Ornamental
Isaac O. Best, A. IL,
Proil.ssor of Ancient Languages.
Charles E. Bice, A. if.,
Profeepor or 3lathetuatics,
F. M. Bates,
'Teacher of Book-keeping and English
Miss Alice M. Carver.
Teacher or Instrumental Musi©.
Teacher of Vocal
Miss Julia Guelt,
Teacher in Primary Department.
Spring term commences April I3th,
Bloomsburg, March lg, IsGs.
(Lift Addirdart Medical Director 117. & Aris44
Playekian and;f4nrigeon,
rr whit st Oto !Corks 11014. Blymosburt Pa
ciali promptly 111100 Jed to both night awl dilly.
Illootorlum Plow . twat.
NB sith4eriber, proprietor
or the above owned r%
msive establishment, is now
!spored to reseit* orders
of Machinery,
(or Calletiet, Man Furnarr.s, AtationsirY Engin
PA ACIIIMEri. Ae.. Act;
Heir itlen prepared to , alike tll;wegi, eli vim.* and
pettetran, and everything urnially suede in
iltreiviess eptlttitrfro.
Nis Cm:naive rat Ilities and practical workmen, war•
taut hltu in Fact icing the largert cataracts an the
in oat MialOrtable terms.
ilrain °Call kiwis will be taken fu exchannii fat
41 Thip aAataisliroon't im inca.ed near Larksww%
tti4 Binomeurg Railroad Grl+nt,
tllnemrbiug ewpt. 18, 18113.
In Shiva', %Odin' on Main Stteet
harems the citizen. of illoonwhurs and vicinity tiro
he has opt wid a New
is 00 plass, where he invites his old friends and
eastotatas Instill nod partake of hia refreshments,—
It is his intention to iseep the best
constantly on hand ; A 1.4. Porter, Parsaparttlic Mia
oral Wider. Porky Lemonades, Raspberry and Leta
ru Pyrups, OH ninny+ be had at hie Itestattrout.
In the eating line he preseato a
atiall ow idtRZ
PP Purposed in able place ;via. pickled Oyster.
*lam, terdines. nab. tietUetued ehitiou,VOlO4
Tripe and Beef Vela*, Ike-. &C. He alao WS a sum
Poole or
igars and Cheering Tastcro
turhia customers. irr Give dim a call.
Olawarbarg. Juue i 3, Iftl6.
T UB umlorstinril actuld resprcifully snonunrs• to the r iturns of illumusburg, and the hublit- gen•
'rally. that lie i• running
we.n Chia largest(' rho
fereul Ball 'toad liapots dat• w „ ,
ly, (Sundry' excepted) In
Sommer With the 'Cling Smola it Weal
on the Cutrivessa and Welliamop••rl Rail Read, 44
anti MOO! guisig North nod *milt ott the lack. &
Bloomsburg Quad,
Uis SINIIII'M , CS ore in 'nod rendition, crimes*.
Sinus and enstirortable, and chart,. resoonable.
ZP rerrona wiohloir to meet or ore 11..-sr friends
depart. ono he quoits, iiiii 11,011, ,rionnelde
'barge& by leaving timely Make at any of Ihe Ho
Bloom 'burg, A yril 27. 115.64
New Millenary Goods
the limo Story q f
(err, cools 10 /1•111 /111111.114,)
Tlis public are respectfully informed that they ran
be ftimishad with everything In the Milllnery line
upon the neat reasonable terms, and to goods not
surpassed for alyie, beauty, or durability in 'boo
lONIC 11.'T Sews atyllot of hats. lionuetcand other
articles for t omen and Mince,. wen , , arc beautiful
and well calculated 10 Pint the ta%tea of Ibn most
japlikhoup. GIVP ker n call Store on Mc to turret
tannin side) below Market. (a pr ut.
J. F . FOX. Prorriesoror this establishment, wnuld
reopeettitlly Infiniti his old and new customers. thai
Iv. has everything fitted up at hie new mixed to en
able him In furnish them with BREAD, CAKE 111.
AND IfeitgrECTIONEItIES, heretofore.
17' hereafter all peroorie, who have been furnish
•d with Ate, !Agee Herr, antl Porter. by the whole
half, or quarter barrel. will call LING WILLIAM
GILMORE. at his lialoon in
Skives , Block, Main Street,
who has been authorlsot by Ms ■ndsrsißned to sell
the motto. Us ash constantly have a supply ea hand.
s hitt' will be sold at the ' , twat market r tea.
Mr, Y. has In cunnar hut Hat y and•
latUunory., AIWA up Nam for the isle n.
ICE CBE/1111,
141 all wh may favor him with their custom. He
ia also prepared to make Ica Cream hi large quanti
ties fur parties, patine or social Rothe flogs. as the
raps may M. liverytkind pertaining to his Ma el
Militia's will meet's wilful and rititgent Ptteettioa.
2:7` lie le thankful to his costumers far pact
"et A H II "A AHdfalli .4.44Cll.llll.COatililtflOcri 1,1
NIRO . J. al. VOX.
Aprlr 3, 1A67.
%Yr beg to infirm your that Pr lea prc
S/ pared to vrfer fur your 1114 parting Ohl mina,
assortment of kfIifAIERV ODOUR
Canststlua of the newsal 'fives In Straw Palk and
Mr Hats, Sonnets, Lc. Velvet', thlk Gotta Rite
oat., flowers. iferthiers. Rark•s, Crape'', • fonds,
:aide. ornaments, kr. kr. IV' alia he happy to
Ran you at our Vlore, Of eeccive your o ap rder§
tea lOW Pr Dash. Viers. sr. H. WA RD.
I"' k
jjUi !le,r),,
. , •
• r -
• - .
floontoloog Altozonat
111.0031811YR0, PA., BY
TOPIRII.—.I SO In edema , . 1f ant pill IMOla
RIX MONTIIE. SO genie additlowd will Ite r used.
n? . Wattaper dlseoatiatiod vnidl all art anew
an paid except at the option of the editor.
i as wow roarrerwra a wo.aa.
One ifltinfe ear or three laaertiona .41 30
Every aabeetitteat lostortioa leas tuattl3.. SO
arcs. li. sta. sc Sr. Ir.
One ne /genre, 11.00 300
Two equate', 3,0 n 3,00
l'lree " 3,00 7,00
Pow siuourco, 0.00 8,00
Ilelf eolumn, 1111,00 10,00
One column, 113,00 10.00
Itteeutor's and Administrator's Nouns 300
Auditor's Notice
Other silver thismeats In sorted *sapid's'', rip 'pedal
Ituslness entire', without adeerlisellleet,irreerY.
geble per line.
Trimslent advertisements payabhe in ad% ince all
oilier, due after the first insertion.
The Seasons of Life.
The years glide by, and on their wings
Our dearest memories bear;
While constant changes 'round us Rem
Occurring ever 'where,
As on the sea of Time we roll,
'Till its tempestuous waves
O'crwhelin us, and we sink to rest
In deep, oblivious graves.
Life's morning sunbeams softly fall
On Childhood's happy days;
We while away the merry hours,
Amid our sports and plays.
Snell is the sunny side of lite,—
The Spring time of the year,—
When, in our primal innocence,
No earthly cares appear.
Spring glides away; its flowers fade;
Its pleasures soon are gone;
Anil Summer conies ; iu lab we put
/ur manly vigor on;
And Anti) to toil upon the world,
We (cave our childhood plays.
To rear the harms that Fancy built
In dreams of youtlithl days.
The transient Summer disappears,
And "Autumn's solemn form"
Aearing on Time's troubled waves,
Fretells the Wintry storm.
The golden harvest of the year
Is gathered and in store,
We leave the toil 14vounger hands,
Our fathers left before.
The old, old year soon glides away,
fly %Vintry cares oppresseil,
Ami heavy with the frosts of age,
We long to lie at rest.
The past seems like a fleeting dream,
And soon Life's yellow sun
Sinks down beneath the sea of Time,
Our earthly cart's arc done.
Tax Collector—Now, Mr. Jay Cooke, we
are ready finr you, sir. Your "moneys and
credits" show 120 fl ; your household
furniture, dice fixtures, horse and buggy,
and some more little things, NA up $1,575
more. Total, W 4,575. Peduet $120,1.100
held in 5.20 Government bonds, which arc
not taxable, and the balance is $4,575.
Your State and county tax on this last
amount is $71,59.
Now, Mr. Bellows, I have your receipt
ready. Your "moneys and credits" show
$950; shop fixtures and tools, $1,875;
household furniture, WO; horse and wagon,
$275. Total taxable 14 State and county
purposes, s3, t O. Tax $79.
Bellows—How is this? Jay Coolie's per
sonal property amounts to $124.575 arid he
pays 0n1y1. 1 .71.:ai State midi:twiny tax, while
I, with less than $5,000. all told, am asked
to pay SS. 50 more than he.
Jay Cooke—Alt, my good friend, you we
me si2tyou in bonds are not taxable. In
the country's extremity, with other truly
101 l men, I came to the rescue with my green
backs. I loaned my bleeding country,
threatened with destruction by rebels and
copperheads, my money, and with that grat
itude which becomes a grateful people "en
gaged in the interest of God and human
ity," lam exempt. Thus it should be with
a magnanimous Christian people.
Bellows—And I, in my country's real ex
tremity, had no greenbacks to loan, but I
shouldered a musket, and gave my body to
the cause, a leg of which I left on the field
of Shiloh, as you see, but a "grateful peo
ple, engaged in the interests of God and
humanity," have bad no tax•exemption fur
rue. This may be all right, but I don't see
.Jay Cooke—But you see, Mr. Bellows,
mine was a voluntary act. I could not have
been compelled to furnish the money. You
volunteered, it is true, but you could have
been compelled to go.
Bellows—Yes, sir. I did volunteer when
my services were needed, but your voluntary
act was tiller the act was done—when you
felt sure your investment was safe. The
policy that exempts your hundreds of thou
sands from taxation, and taxes my few hun.
dreds, is founded on villainy, sir. You
loaned your greenbacks, worth less than
sixty cents on the dollar, and are now claim
ing dollar for dollar in gold in payment. I
risked my life and gave a limb to the cause,
and when I came home to my family, and
to work for their support, I am made to pay
full National, State and county taxes on my
little possessions, while your bonds, pus
chased with depreciated greenbacks, are ex
This nice little genie of "God and hu
manity," superfine loyalty and patriotic dits
interesteduess, is downright robbery, sir,
and they who uphold it are no better than
thieves, sir. With our ballots next Novem
ber, we will sink any man, or set of men,
who stand up for it, so deep that the sound
of liabriel's trump will never reach them.
Do you mind that, Mr. Jay Cooke? Exit
Tax Collector, solve—lt strikes this indi•
vidual very forcibly that it ain't all wind
that blou out of that bellow:,
4.00 1 tl.OO 10,00
coo %Ho 14,110
000 1".00 10,110
10,10 14,00 9000
14,00 11 1 00 3100
00,00 30,00 00.00
Tax ©Rice tOcene
Entertainment for the
The congressional Republicans are about
starting various musical choirs for the cam
paign (tirst•elase negro minstrels), with
which they propose to sing and banjo Grant
and Colfax into office.
We have not seen the "show-bills," but
understand that the following programme
will be introduced at the first entertainment:
"We come with songs to greet you."
The consolidated negro minstrelsy of Con
gress and the country will give one grand
vocal and instrumental concert in New York
city (time and place not as yet decided upon)
when will be presented songs, choruses, bur
lesques, dances, extravaganzas, negro delin
eations, de., dc., the whole under the spe
cial supervision of the congressional artistes,
who take pleasure in announcing the follow
Opening Overture (from La Shoddyite),
Entire Company.
2 Ballad—" The Hangman's Refrain,"
John A. Bingham,
"Oh, why should the law
Compel me to hang
A lather, a mother, a maid!"
3 Chorus—''l'm Saddest when I Sing,"
Entire Company.
4 Indian War Dance (in character),
Bullad—"A dark shade rests on my bo
som," Sumner.
G Song—" The Rollicking Rake,'
Dan Sickles.
"Come listen to my ditty,
Front Tippery town I steer,
Like every jolly good fellow,
I drink my lager beer;
Like evtry jolly good fellow,
1 take my whisky clear;
l'ut a rambling rake of poverty,
The son of a gambo•lcer. "
Refrain—" When this old hat was new,"
H. Greeley.
8 Sacred Melody—"Spoony Bill,"
11. F. Butler.
"Oh my name is Spoony Bill,
And I nut a dog's -meat man."
9 During the evening Mr. Butler will give
several astounding exhibitions in leger
demain, includinf the great "dead
open-and-shut" trick, showing how to
pass money from one man's packet into
another's, and front a bank in New Or
leans to one in Lowell; also how to get
out of a bottle and into Congress. J.
0. Bennett will accompany Mr. Butler,
with imitations on a Scotch fiddle.
PART 11.
I Chorus—" Why are these bonds so
heavy !" Entire Company.
2 At the request of some of the must re
spectable families, Hiram Grant will
exhibit a few steps from his celebrated
"tangle-leg break down" (wet:iced re
cently, on 'Sunday l'. M., with bursts of
applause, in Washington, I). CO, alter
which "Uncle Jesse' - will entertain the
audience with a few reminiscences of
Hy's juvenile precocity. introducing,
among others, the "tuoitkey" and "jack
ass" stories.
Urand feat with a spirometer.
Herr Washburne.
4 Some heroes in blue, who have bled the
quartermaster's department, will sing,
"W'here was I when the battle rageth !"
"Dear mother, I've conic home to eat!"
5 'Ditty—
"A windy, wrangling alderman
With a stomach full of ale."
"Whore now are tile hopes I cherished'!"
Wade, kenton acid Curtin.
Duett—"Culd water fur me."
Yates and Chandler.
8 Speech. Simpson Grunt.
Song—" We met by
, ehance. '
'Vienna" Schenck.
Entitled "I'lyse Grant riding a mule,
when a youth, in a circus"—
Ulyss Grant, Samuel Grant.
Ring-master, Ignatius Donnelly.
Mule (without a competitor on any stage)
11 Song—(By request)—"l know a Hank,"
12 A small boy, named Raymond, will now
throw a series of sommersaults.
13 Dance—"Pas-de-Spoils," Iloutwell.
L 4 An essay on the English Language,
15 Song—By three months' men and boun•
ty jumpers (with hair parted in the
"When we get to Washing -ton
Oh ! won't we make the rebels run?"
16 Scriptural lieprosentation—Sanisou slay
ing Philistines with the jawbone of an
17 Impeachmentltepresentation- -TomWit.
limns slaying copperheads with a simi
lar weapon.
18 Extravaganza (with a flank movement),
"l'll fight it out on this here line."
10 Wall• around and song by the entire
co►n pany—
"Oh ain't I glad I got out ob de wilderness,
Out ob do wilderness—out ob do wilder
nese," &c.
20 Dance—(Grand tax-do•bonds),
21 The whole to conclude with the side
splitting time, entitled
"Impeachment; or, if' we Only had
A brow beating man from
Dutch Gap, - • Benny Butler
Ad-interim, - - IL U. S. S. Grant
Ad-out-erini, - - - Ned Stanton
Carpet-baggem, scallawags, &c., &c., &c.
Tut preacher at the African Methodist
Episcopal church at Frankford, recently,
was telling his congregation about Moses
crossing the Rod Sea; and, to make his
description quite plain, illustrated it as fol
lows: "S'pose you's do children of Israel,
and I's Moses; Jersey is do Wilderness,
and Brideaburg do Promised Land. Well,
I brings you down to de ribber, and waves
my hand up towards Tacony, and de waters
roll backward toward Philadelphy, and we
all goes over without gitten wet. When do
last piekininny gets over and I waves my
hand towards Philadelphy, and I waves my
hand towards Taoony, and do water r-o-1-1.1
back from Tacony—and dey was fibhiu' for
-had dere de nett' morning'"
Seek a Love Letter.
We have read love letters heretofore, and,
nsayhap, have written one or two ; but fur
sublimity we never NM anything to compare
with the following which we clip front an
exchange :
"My MAK SALLY : —Every time I think
of you my heart flops up and down like a
churn dasher. Sensations of unutterable
joy caper over it like young goats over a
stable roof, and thrill thro' it like spanish
needles through a pair of tow linen trews.
erg. As a goslin awitumith with delight in
a mud puddle, so swim I in a Pea of glory.
"Visions of ecstatic rapture, thicker than
the hair of a blacking brush and brighter
than the hues of a humming bird's pinions,
visit me in my slumber ; and borne on their
invi s ible wings, your image stands before
me, and I reach out to grasp it, like an old
pointer snapping at a blue-bottle fly. When
I first beheld your angelic perfections I was
bewildered, and my brain whirled round
like a bumble bee in a glass tumbler. My
eyes stood open like cellar doors in country
towns, I lifted up my ears to catch the ail
very accents of your voice. My tongue re
refused to wag, and in silent admiration I
drank in the sweet infection of love, as a
thirsty man swalloweth a tumbler of hot
whisky punch. Since the light of your
face full upon my life, I sometimes feel as
if I could lift myself by my boot strops to
the top of a church steeple. Day and night
you are my thought. When Aurora, blush
ing like a bride, rises from her saffron couch ;
when the jay -bird piper his tuneful lay in
the apple tree by the spring house; when
the chanticleer's shrill clarion heralds the
coming morn ; when the awakened pig
ariseth from his bed and grunteth and goeth
fbr his morning refreshments; when the
drowsy beetle wheels his drowning flight at
sultry noon-tide, and when the lowing cows
come home at milking 61110,1 think of thee:
and like a piece of gum elastic my heart
seemed to stretch clean across my bosom.
Your hair is like the mane of a surd horse
powdered with gold; and the brass pins
skewered through your waterfall fill me '
with unbounded awe. Your forehead is
smoother than the elbow of an old coat,
and whiter than seventeen hundred linen.
Your eyes are glorious to behold. Is their
liquid depths 1 see legions of little Cupids
battling and fighting like cohorts of ants in
old army crackers. When their fire hit me
full on my manly breast, it permeated my
entire anatomy, like as a load of bird shot
would go through a rotten apple. Your
nose is from a chunk of Parisian marble,
and your mouth puckered with sweetness.
Nectar lingers on your lips like honey on a
bear's paw, and myriads of unfledged kisses
are there ready to fly out and light some
where like young blue birds out of the
parent nest. Your lungh ring on my ears j
like the windharp's strains, or the bleat of
a stray lamb on the bleak hillside. The
dimples on your cheeks aro like bowers in
beds of roses, or like hollows in cakes of
home made sugar.
I am dying to fly to your presence and I
pour out the burning eloquence of my love,
as thrifty housewives pour out the hot cofke.
Away from you, lam melancholy as a sick I
eat. Uncout h fears, like a thousand win
nows, nibble at toy spirits, and my soul is
pierced through with doubts as an old cheese
is bored with skippers.
My love f o r you is stronger than the smell
of old butter, Switzer cheese, or a kick of a
mule ; it is purer than the breath of a young
cow, and more unselfish than the kitten's
first caterwaul. As the song bird hungers
for the light of day, the cautious mouse for
for the fresh bacon in the tray, a lean pup
hankers after new milk, so I long for thee.
You are fairer than a speckled pullet;
sweeter titan a Yankee doughnut fried in
sorghum molasses; brighter than the top
knot plumage on the head of a muscovy
duck. You arc candy kisses, pound cake,
and sweetened toddy altogether.
If these remarks will enable you to see
the inside of my soul, and me to win your
affections, I shall be as happy as a wood
pecker in a cherry tree, or a stage horse in
green pasture. If you cannot reciprocate
my thrilling passion, I will die away like a
poi:oned bedbug, and in calming years when
the shadows grow long from the hills, and
the philanthrophie frog sings his evening
hymn, you, happy in another's love, can
come and drop a tear, and toss a clod upon
the last resting place of—
,TAKE *****•
BRIDAL. Tura.—flow thankful our "well
educated" young ladies of this day must
feel that they do not live among such a half
civilised people as the Isiestorians must be,
from the following account of one of their
wedding customs: After the marriage °ere
money has been performed, the wedding
party is taken in wagons to the house of the
bridegroom's parents. When the second
wagon, in which the bride is seated alone,
reaches the gate opening into the yard in
which the house is situated, it is halted, and
the bridegroom's mother comes to meet it,
with a baby and three suits of baby clothes
in her arms. Bhe throws the child and the
clothes into the arms of the bride, who is
required to undress and dross the baby three
times in the presenee of the mother-in•law,
who watches every movement, is only a
mother•in•Jaw can watch a daughter-in-law.
If the newly-made bride does not perform
the operation to the satisfaction of her se
vere judge, she is considered unfit for the
position ; the wagon is turned round, and
she is taken back home for further instruc
tion, and the poor bridegroom is compelled
to live in single blessedness until his wife is
educated up to the proper standard. —L' . ? : .
Utah and the Mormons.
The delegate in Congress from Utah, Mr,
W. IL Moeller, has recently given an inter
gating sketch of that Territory, in a letter.
According to this account, the Mormons
have built up Utah km a desert waste,
which twenty years ago was twelve hundred
miles from either settlements or navigable
rivers. It is now a flourishing young State
containing one hundred thousand inhabit
ants with a territorial extension of seventy
five thousand square miles. There are
eighty.six flourishing towns and cities in the
Territory, with neer one hundred post-o&
cos, while the grist and saw mills, woollen
manufactories, and many other branches of
the mechanic arts are quite equal to those
of the other States. There are one hun
dred churches, one hundred and twenty
school houses and three theatres, which
equal in appearance those of the older
The Mormons left Missouri in 1844, cross
ing lowa, then a wilderness, and encamped
on the banks of the Missouri, in what was
then called the Pottawatotnie country. Here
they laid out the town, now known as Coun
cil Bluffs. In the spring of 1847, an ad
vanced guard of ono hundred and fifty men
proceeded to Salt Lake Valley, and selected
the present alto of Salt Lake City in July of
that year. A few of these pioneers, under
the lead of President Young, returned to
the Missouri river the NM fall, leaving
most of the men at the lake to plough, and
plant during the following season. In 1848,
the great bulk of emigration of that year
reached the valley, and found that much
had been raised for their sustenance. The
march was attended by many hardships.
The industry of the emigrants is shown in
the fact that during the tedious journey of
four months' duration, the apinning-wbeel
and loom continued their work, and hum
are& of yards of goods were woven, the
heavy wagon sad slow motion of' ox-teams
giving an opportunity to spin and weave
while the train was in motion. The first
printing press ever taken west of the Mis
souri was established by the Mormons at
Independence in the years 1832 2 33. In
850, there was not a single roof in Salt
Lake City, which now contains twenty thou
sand inhabitants. The Mormon emigration
from Europe, froin PM to 1857 inclusive,
is estimated at an annual average of two
ihousand souls, or an aggregate of thirty-six
thousand; while the -emigration from the
old States during the same period has been
about twenty flair thousand. The estimated
cost of taking these people to Utah is eight
million three hundred thousand dollen.—
The emigration from Europe this year is
put down at four thousand souls.
About one-third of the emigrants have
paid their own expenses. The remaining
two-thirds have been aided by "the perpet
ual emigration fund," which has been in or
ganized existence about twenty years, and is
composed of contributions, tithes, legacies,
and funds drawn from various sources, both
in Europe and America. This fund is kept
up by the beneficiaries repaying when con
venient the expense incurred in their imi
gratin, so that others may receive like as
sistance. During the present year $156,000
was contributed in Salt Lake City alone, to
enable others to reach America.
HOLD ON—To your tongue when you are
just ready to swear, lie, or speak harshly or
any improper word.
Hold on to your hand when you are about
ready to strike, pinch, aeratch, steal, or do
any improper act.
Hold on to your foot when you are on the
point of kicking, running away from study,
or pursuing the path of error, or shame, or
Hold on to your temper when you are
angry, excited, or imposed upon, or others
are angry at you.
Hold on to your heart when evil associ
ates seek your company, and invite you to
join in their games, mirth, and revelry.
Hold on to your good name at all times,
for it is more valuable to you than gold, high
places, or fashionable attire.
Hold on to the truth, for it will serve you
well and do you good throughout eternity.
Hold on to your virtue—it is above all
price to you, in all times and places.
Hold on to your good character, fur it is
and ever will be your best wealth.
Use or TOE Fi.Y.--The fly has its uses.
lie serves to keep bald-headed sinners awake
at church on a warm summer's day, so that
their unrogencrated hearts may be touched
by the preached word. Ile also encourages
the spirit of invention, inducing the inven
tive to tax their brains in contriving fly
trays. (The flying trap are has no connec
tion with fly-traps.) As it is through trials
alone that a patient spirit reaches its full
complete development, the fly is a usefld
agent in the good work ; for the man who
can patiently endure the persistent efforts
of a fly to alight upon the end of his new
on a warm day, has very nearly reached the
perfection of patient beautitude.
TAM.= Tuatexn.—The eight hour rule
has two sides to it; and applies to women
as well es,MOM The following incident of
the new working of the law will please
somebody we know
An eight• man, on going home
the other evening for his suPPer, found his
wife sitting in her best clothes on the fivnt
steps reading a volume of travels. "How
is this?" he ezolohned "where's my sup
"I don't know," replied the wife. "I
began breakikst at six o'clock this morning,
and my eight hours ended at two o'clock
this afternoon !"
Who rode the pony round the ring,
Though pony tried his load to fling,
Pleasing papa with this great thing?
Who left the army in disgust,
Who bought a wooded farm on trust,
And sold his wood and took his bust?
Who drove the Hebrews from Me camp,
Into the Alligator swamp,
Where everything was dark and damp?
Who, wroth at those faithless Jews,
Who kept Pa's share of cotton duos,
All further permits did refuae ?
Who %mused chaps that would divide
With father Jew, Argus-eyed,
Who claimed the hair and eke the hide?
Who WIN it I,l•yed ad interim
For Johnson, and bamboozled him,
By re-inatating Stanton grim ?
Who takes his pay in Polio' gold.
Aud arks that all who bonds do hold,
Bo paid in sterling coin and old?
Who has no tongue, no words, no speech,
Who knows no principles to teach,
Yet hopes the height of power to reach?
All Nor's of News.
An unmistakable case of black-balling
—a crying negro baby.
An early spring—jumping out of bed
at five o'clock in the morning.
Fx•President Pierce writes that New
Hampshire will go for Seymour.
If the Radicals want peace, what are
they running their candidate on his military
merits for?
Parton asks, "Will the coming man
drink wine?" If he's a good Radical he'll
prefer whisky.
During the war Seymour was always
filling the ranks of our armies while Grant
was thinning them out.
Who ever heard a woman with pref..
ty ankles and whole stockings complain of
wet sidewalks or muddy eros..ings?
Snooks says that "Comma thro' the
rye" may suit some people, but for his part
he likes (old) rye owning thro' him.
k word of kindness to poverty and
sorrow is better than nothing ; but a dollar
or two, according to your means, is better
The stories of "rebel outrages" pro
mulgated by tlio carpet bag Gov. War
mouth, of Louisiana, arc proved to be fab
Passenger trains on the Central Pa
cific railroad are now running to a station
two hundred and thirty-five miles east of
Sacramento city.
The fall style of pants Cr gents
(those fur ladies not yet determined upon)
is to be smaller yet. To go inside instead of
outside of the skin.
% public speaker says that the easi
est way to empute the public debt is to
"sct down a figure one and add a whole coal
scuttle full of cyphers!"
It' you are a lover, don't love two
girls at once. Love is a good thing, but it
is like butter in warm weather—it won't do
to have too much on hand at one time.
Now that Orville Grant declares for
his brother, Prentice says his hope that
there was at least ono sensible member of
the Grant family is blasted.
An Irishman, fresh from Hibernia,
caught a bumblebee iu his hand, supposing
it to be a humming-bird. "Och," he ex.
claimed, "how hut his fit is I"
"Does the dentist kiss you when he
pulls your teeth, pa?" "No, my NOI4
why?" "Oh, nothing, only he kissed ma,
mid she said it took the ache all away ; and
I guess it did, fur she laughed all the way
At St. Joseph, Missouri, Sherman
said, in effect, that the beet thing that Grant
could do was to go to sleep. We agree with
him, and will promise to wake Grant up
with a salvo of artillery, in honor of Sey
mour's election.
In the death and burial of Thaddeus
Stevens there was great consistency to his
political life. lie bad negro clergymen to
pray at his bed-side in his last moments,
and negro soldiers escorted his remains to
At a collection lately made at a char
ity fair, a young lady offered the plate to a
rich man who was noted for his stinginess.
"I have nothiug," was his curt answer.—
"Then take something, sir," she replied;
"you know I am begging for the poor."
An exchange gives tho following re
cipe for killing fleas. Place the ferocious
animal on a smooth board and pen him in
with a hedge of rhoetnaker's wax. Then,
as soon as be becomes quiet, commence
reading to him the doings of Congress, and
be will burst with indignation.
"This," says the Charleston Mercury,
"is the balmy season of the year when the
colored man gets tat. Watermelons have
come in from every quarter, and are put.-
chased at any price under a dollar or over a
cent. From dewy morn to the small hours
of night, Sainbo eats and sighs, sighs and
eats, sighs and eats and sighs asakt. He
keeps his watermelons under his bed, ond
ono, the loveliest of all, he takes for a pil
low and dream:, on."
Female Suffrage.
"Mark Twain" writes to his "Cousin
Jennie" on the added of "Female Suff.
rage," as follows : There is one insuperable
obstacle in the way of female suffrage, Jon
nic ; I approach the subject with tear but
it must out. A
woman would never vote
because she would have to tell her age at
the palls. And even if aho did dare to vote
once or twice when she was of age, you
know what dire results would follow from
"putting this and that together . " in after
times. For instance, in an unguarded mo
ment, Miss A. says she voted for Mr. Smith.
Her auditor, who knows that it is seven
years since Smith ran for anything, easily
cyphers out that she is at least seven years
over age, instead of the young pullet she
has been making herself out to be. No,
Jennie, this fashion of registering the name,
age, residence and occupation of every voter
is a fatal bar to female suffrage.
Women will never be permitted to vote
or hold office, Jennie, and it is a lucky
thing for me and many other men, that
such is the decree of fate. Because, yuu
see, there are some few measures they would
all unite on, there are ono or two measures
that would bring out their entire voting
strength in spite of their apathy to inakiug
themselves conspicuous, and there being
more women than men in this State, they
would trot these measures through the Leg
islature with a velocity that would be appal
ling. For instance they would enact :
I. That all men should be at home at
ten, p. In., without fail•
2. That married men should bestow eon•
siderable attention on their wives.
3. That it should be banging offense to
sell whisky in saloons, and that tine and
disfranchisement should follow drinking in
such places.
4. That the smoking of cigars to men
should be forbidden and the smoking of
pipes utterly abolished.
5. That the wife should have a little prep
erty of her own when she married a wan
who hadn't any.
Jeanie, such tyranny as this we could
never stand, our free souls could never en
dure such thraldom, Women, go your
way ! leek not to beguile us of our privi
leges. Content yourselves with your little
fe►uinine t►ifes—your babies, your benevo
lent societies and your knitting—and let
your natural bosses do the voting. Stand
back, you will be wanting to go to war neat.
lVe will let you teach schooled much as you
want to, and we will pay you half wages for
►t, too, but beware ! we don's want you to
crowd us to much.
If I get time, Cousin Jennie, I will fur
nish you a picture of a female Legislator
that will distress you—l know it will, be.
cause you cannot disguise from me the fact
that you arc no more in favor of female suf
frage really, than I am.
A prominent officer of the Union army,
while driving with a friend a few days
since, took occasion to eulogise some of the
characteristics of Grant, declaring that the
American people did not understand him.
"I saw" said this officer "a great deal of
him during the war, and knew all his strong
and weak points." "But" asked one of
the parts, do you think he isNhe right man
to elect President of the United States?"
To this the Union - officer replied: 'That
depends upon circumstances. If tho peo
ple desire military rule, Grant should be
elected; for, from my knowledge of the
man, I will stake my reputation on the pre
diction that if he is elected he will proclaim
himself Dictator within twelve months after
he is sworn into office l" This is the opin
ion of a Union soldier who held close per
sonal relations with Grant during the greater
portion of the late war.
Col. Robinson, the editor of the Green
Bay (Wisconsin) Advoeote, and who acted
a conspicuous part as a Union soldier in the
late war, thus speaks of the popularity of
Governor Seymour in the northern portion
of the State :
"Here, especially in northern Wisconsin,
Governor Seymour ought and undoubtedly
will, command an almost unanimous sup
port. lie has been fur years, as the ruling
spirit in our Pox and Wisconsin Rivers im
provement, closely identified with our inter
ests ; and in other ways, such as investing
in land here, has shown his faith in the for
tunes of this State. Personally, there are
thousands here of all parties whose acquaint
ance with hint will lead to their enthusiastic
support, and we already bear of many in
this city and vicinity, hitherto Republicans
who have declared their purpose to support
A Touou CASE.••••A little darkoy was re
cently found sitting on the stoop of a fash
ionable house not far from Saratoga, crying
pittifully. "What's de matter wid you?"
asked a colored woman. "De matter's
nuff—double trouble all ober de bowie.
Fader am drunk—muder hab gone home
wid cloze—sis broke be looking-glass wid de
broomstick—de baby got her eyes full of
kyan peper, and little Ned Anthony put de
mustard on de hair for goose green. I put
salt in my tea for white sugar and it makes
me sea-sick. Do dog licked Ned'. face, and
got hie mouth full of mustard, and lige
under do bud a bowlin. De kitten got her
bead in do milk pot, and I cut her head off
to sabe do pitchur, and don I hab to break
de pitcher to got de head out, and be way
I'll get licked when madder eomeg home
for setting the Led care, will be a