*
« _ ;
A Philosopher's
Application For a
Wife
By ELINOR MARSH
& $
Albert St. Clair was a philosopher.
He was bom in America, but of Eng
lish parents. He had papers to show
that he was of good stock, but had
never examined them. He believed all
men to be a development of the ape.
St. Clair fell in love with a girl, who
reciprocated. He didn't talk about
. man and woman having descended
from apes. He talked the language of
love. After he had proposed Laura
Hilton—that was the girl's name—sent
him to her father for an answer.
"I shall have to know more about
you before I can give my consent"
said Mr. Hilton. "To what family do
you belong and what is your income?"
"I belong to the human family, and
my income is $2,000 a year. The prin
cipal was earned by lecturing on mau
and his ancestors."
"That la barely sufficient to lodge
and feed yourself and a wife. You
would have nothing for clothes and In
cidental expenses."
"Clothes are simply the covering of
the lower animals which are trans
formed to man. What be does not get
this way he derives from the vegetable
kingdom. The sheep clothes him and
his wife. She wears rat skins on her
hands and sticks an ostrich feather in
fter hat Her stockings when she is
much dressed are the excreeceace of
worms,"
"Nevertheless you will find it incon
venient to get on without these arti
cles. How about your family connec
tions?"
"Family connections are of no more
Importance In man than any other ani
mal. Indeed, the family connections
of a horse are much more important
than those of a man. A racing sire
and dam are important, because swift
ness of foot is inherited. In man
swiftness of foot is of no Importance.
"What Is of importance in him is Intel
lect. But intellectual man seldom
marries intellectual woman, and if he
does the children are liable to be only
fools."
"That Is all very well, but my daugh
ter has associated with refined per
sons. If her husband's relatives are
coarse she will not get on with them."
"What is refinement but a conceal
ment of our brute instincts? Pigs eat;
so does man. Pigs put the fore feet in
the trough; man Bits at a table and
eats with a knife and fork. The worst
thing about him is that hs eats the
pig, which is the dirtiest of all ani
mals. Man cannot get rid of his bruio
nature; he can only cover it over wirli
a thin coat of, veneer."
"That veue°r is essential to our hap
piness. My daughter h.is associated
with those who eat the daintiest food,
wear the richest fabrics and oru;:-
ments. Surely you cannot supp'y !ier
with jewels?"
"Nothing marks the barbarian mora
plainly thai: ornamentation of the*
body. The most barbarous woman
wears recklcces and ear and lip rings
of teeth 01* bone or metal. The most
reilned woman wears stoneo ant',
metals."
"One with such ideas as yours is not
apt to have much respect for the
sacred ceremony of marriage."
"Marriage draws man away from his
native state, the state of other ani
mals. Four footed brides and grooms
do not trouble themselves about each
others' relatives and other detriments
to a hearty progeny. If a strong and
healthy man who eats with his knife
desires to marry a strong and healthy
woman who eats with her fork her
relatives will defeat the union If they
can. But if she desires to marry a
living skeleton of birth and breeding
they are delighted with the match."
"Mr. St Clair, I have listened to your
statement of reasons why you should
be permitted to marry my daughter
and am forced to admit that while as
reasons they are worthless, there are
truths in them. Nevertheless I con
sider 7 on the biggest fooj £ ever met,
But, as you have said, intellect Is not
so liable to be Inherited as strength,
the intellectual man seldom marrying
the intellectual woman, or vice versa,
therefore If you are a king or a prince
or even a nobleman, with large wealth,
$u mkj be my son-in-law; If not I
forbid the banns."
"Nothing remains," said St Clair,
bowing himself out "but to look into
my pedigree and learn whether any
of my family, in whom I have never
taken the slightest interest have left
me any money."
Later he returned to Mr. Hilton and
said:
"I have examined papers in my pos
session and have learned that I am
not a kiug."
"I thought not," said the other dryly.
"Nor am I a duke."
"Exactly."
"But my grandfather was an earl,
und a letter beariug a coronet on it
that I received some years ago and
which I did not open informs me that
my grandfather and father being dead.
I am the Earl of Macknalton."
*i»deed!"
•'And I am heir, so the letter says,
A one of the largest estates in Eng-
NOSTRO AGENTE
r
II Sig. Augusto Buccieri, che
per parecchio tempo ha fatto par
te della famiglia del "Patriota co
me Agente e Collettore, dopo un'-
assenza di alcuni mesi passati in
Pittsburg, e ritornato in Indiana
per ripigliare i suoi studi alia Scu
ola Normale, e il suo posto presso
il nostro giornale. t ■.
Egli, che gode tutta la nostra fi
dueia, essendo un giorane serio,
intelligente e onesto, e autorizzto
dalla nostra Amministrazione di
trattare qualunque affare per con
to del giornale e della tipografia.
Le cortesie che a lui saranno u
sate le riterremo come fatte a noi
stessi, e percio caldamente lo rac
comandiamo ai nostri amici, ab
i '
bonati ed avvisanti.
■ ■ ■
land." .
"I congratulate you."
"If your daughter marries me she
may wed a fool, but she will be Lady
Macknalton and will be able to deco
rate her person as elaborately as the
most degraded savage."
"The title and the Jewels will be
very acceptable."
"When shall the wedding ceremony
take place?"
"Whenever your lordship desires."
Pretty Antfinl
A Welsh chieftain quoted a genealog
ical tree which carried his family be
yond Adam, but a living historian be
gins his book on the valley of the Con
necticut at a date now 17,000,000 years
old!— Florida Times-Union.
A gold coin loses 5 per cent of its
value during sixteen years of constant
IiSC.
Expecting Too Much.
It was a cold, raw day, but the Never
sweats and the Fearnaugbts were play
ing a game of ball on the prairie Just
the same.
The pitcher for the Neversweats, his
angers half frozen, failed dismally in
getting the balls over the plate.
"Aw," said the captain, "I fought ye
wuz one o' dese cold weather pitchers!"
"I am," said the slab artist, blowing
on his benumbed digits to warm them,
"but I aint u ice pitcher, blame ye!"—
Chicago Tribune.
"A Heart Bowed Down," Etc.
A teacher in a Boston pubUc school
received an examination from a little
girl of ten years, who wrote beneath
the questions she had answered:
"If some of these questions are
wrongly answered It will be because I
have troubles of which the great world
neither knows nor cares, therefore ex
cuse wrong answers."—Exchange.
Voter's
Catechism
D. Have you read the Consti
tution of the United States?
R. Yes.
D. What form of Govern
ment is this?
R. Republic.
D. What is the Constitution
of the United States?
R. It is the fundamental law
of this country. '•>
D. Who makes the laws of
the United States?
R. The Congress.
D. What does Congress con
sist of?
R. Senate and House of Rep
resentatives.
D. Who is our State Senator ?
R. Wilbur P. Graff.
D. Who is the chief executive
of the United States?
R. President.
D. For how long is the Presi
dent of the United States elect
ed?
R. Four years.
D. Who takes the place of
the President in case he dies?
R. The Vice President.
D. What is his name?
R. Thomas R. Marshall.
D. By whom is the President
of the United States elected?
R. By the electors.
D. By whom are the electors
chosen ?
R. By the people.
D. Who makes the laws for
the State of Pennsylvania.
R. The Legislature.
D. What does the Legislature
consist of?
R. Senate and Assembly.
D. Who is our Assembly
man?
R. Wilmer H. Wood.
D. How many States in the
union?
R. Forty-eight
D. When was the Declaration
of Independence signed?
' R. July 4, 1776.
D. By whom was it written?
R. Thomas Jefferson.
D. Which is the capital of the
United States?
R. Washington.
D. Which is the capital of the
state of Pennsylvania.
R. Harrisburg.
D. How many. Senators has
each state in the United States?
R. Two.
D. Who are our U. S. Sena
tors?
R. Boise Penrose and George
T. Oliver.
D. By whom are they elect
ed?
R. By the people.
D. For how long?
R. Six years.
D. How many representa-
tives are there?
R. 435. According to the
population one to every 211,000,
(the ratio fixed by Congress af
ter each decennial census.)
D. For how long are they
elected ?
R. Two years.
D. Who is our Congressman ?
R. Nathan L. Strong.
D. How many electoral votes
has the state of Pennsylvania?
R. Thirty-eight.
D. Who is the chief execu
tive of the state of Pennsyl
vania ?
R. The Governor.
D. For how long is he elect
ed?
R. 4 years.
D. Who is the Governor 7
R. Martin G. Brumbaugh.
D. Do you believe in organ
ized government?
R. Yes.
D. Are you opposed to or
ganized government?
R. No.
D. Are you an anarchist?
R. No.
D. What is an anarchist 7
R. A person who does not be
lieve in organized government.
D. Are you a bigamist or
poligamist ?
R. No.
D. What is a bigamist or po
lygamist?
R. One who believes in hav
ing more than one wife.
D. Do you belong to any se
cret society who teaches to dis
believe in organized govern
ment?
R. No.
D. Have you ever violated
any laws of the United States T
R. No.
D. Who makes the ordinances
for the City?
R. The board of aldermen.
D. Do you intend to remain
permanently in the U. S.?
R. Yes. ' " 11
Casa Stabilita nel 1895 PROVATE I L'Olio Marca "La Siciliana" jl
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Grande Grosseria AH ' Ingrosso I
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/ E I
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II
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