The Only Fool
By M. QUAD
Copyright, 1916, by the McClure
Newspaper Syndicate.
Sarah Martin married Jim Hewson
because she was a hired girl and work-
s2 a week; because, again, she
(Was tired of work and wanted a home.
Jim Hewson married Sarah Martin
because he also wanted a home and
because he knew that she earned $8 a
month. That would pay the Pent on a
(Cottage in a village in those far back
days.
Jim was lazy. He was born that
pray and couldn't help it. He hadn't
energy enough to sweat a shirt collar,
and therefore when he worked he grot
paid according to his energy, wffch
pay seldom exceeded 15 cents a day.
The bridal tour of the newly weds
consisted of walking a mile arm in
arm, each with a basket on the free
arm, to a huckleberry swamp a mile
away. There they picked twelve quarts
of berries —that Is. Surah picked ten
quarts and Jim two. Then they walk
ed * ! jfk to town and sold the berries
to I grocer for GO cents in cash.
"You see," said Jim as he jingled the
money in his hand, "we can get along
as easy as grease. This money would
buy us provisions for a week."
The bride half laughed at the re
mark, but soon felt serious and hadn't
much more to say. Two weeks later,
iowever, she had. Jim had gone to
see her in the kitchen in which she
worked and was feeling glad that he
was a married man when she said:
"Jim, I have been thinking things
over."
"Well?" was the query.
"I have come to the conclusion that
I was either a lunatic or an idiot to
have married you. You are all wrong.
You are lazy and shiftless. You haven't
got the energy of a potato bug. You
(Want me to work and support you in
stead of it being the other way. If
you were the best husband in the state
I wouldn't do it"
"Well, what are we going to do?"
asked the husband after a lapse of a
minute.
"I can't get a divorce from you, Jim,
for I haven't got the mom y to put one
through. If we agreed on a separa
tion It would do me no good, for I'd
still be bound to you. If 1 was free
altogether I might stand a chance of
getting a husband who would provide
a home and comforts for me."
"You mean if I should die you'd
have your chance?"
The wife didn't reply. She only
looked at him.
Jim rose up and left the house with
out a good night and went to his bed
of hay in the stable, and for an hour
be did more thinking than he had done
In a year before.
In about a week he tried suicide. He
went over on the railroad track in
xnidafternoon, and when the 3 o'clock
express came along he was standing
between the rails and facing it. The
whistle screamed and tooted, but Jim
stood there as if spiked to a tie. The
engineer tried to stop the train, but
the pace was thirty miles an hour
When the cowcatcher did its work.
Five minutes later a man who had
witnessed the accident from forty rods
away came running up just as the vic
tim was climbing the fence of a corn
field into which he had been hurled.
He had a slight limp in the left leg.
but that was nothing for Jim to kick
about.
Sarah had heard of this attempt and
started out to look for Jim. but she
didn't have the luck to find him. lie
was missing from his usual haunts for
three or four days, and then he turned
up on a bluff overlooking the mill pond
half a mile from the bridge. He was
going to try the water cure this time
Tne bluffs were thirty l'eet above the
water, and Jim couldn't swim a stroke.
Instead of striking the water, how
ever, lie struck a strip of mud.
"You blamed idiot! What did you
jump for? I saw you when you made
the leap!" said a passerby.
"I wanted to die." replied Jim. *
Sarah got every loose boy in town
to hunt for Jim. but they limited in
vain. He had one more attempt com
ing to him, and if found fit all he want
ed to he fpund dead. He went two
miles away from town and hired to a
farmer to sprinkle paris green over the
potato vines of his patch. The farmer
left him alone for an hour, and Jim
mixed a big dose of the powder and
drank it down. It was an overdose.
however, ami it was thrown off. and
his life was saved again.
It was when i>oor dim was tottering
down the road toward the village that
a man in an auto overtook him and
halted to say:
"If you aren't drunk, then you are
sick. (.Jet in here. Now. what's the
matter?"
Jim told him all. and. curiously
enough, the autoist proved to be an
unc-le of his whom he had not heard
of since his boyhood days. When the
uncle had heard the story to its end he
said:
"Jim, you had a fool for a father.
You have got three fool brothers and
fool sisters and ahoat live or six fooi
uncles and aunts and the Lord only
knows how many fool cousins, but yon
are the first fool in all the family that
ever owned up t > being a fool. Yor
shall be rewarded in consequence,
will buy you a house and lot in the vil
lage, give you $3,000 to set you and
Sarah on your feet and bet that you'll
come out very near the top. A man
who is a fool and knows it is a better
man than one who thinks he is wise
and doesn't know it.''
And Jim and Sarah made up and
have lived happily ever since.
-POLITICAL ANNONCEMENT—
FOR STATE SETATOR
WILBUR P. GRAFF
OF BLAIRSVILLE BOROUGH .
Subject to the decision of the Re
publican voters of the 37th Senator
ial District, composed of Indiana and
Jefferson counties, at the Spring Pri
mary Election Tuesday, May 16th,
1916.
Your Support and Influence is Solicited
Hen TrTckery.
Since Australia is at the antipodes
from us the hens there naturally lay
best from May to November, contrary
to the habit of hens here. It is now sug
gested that If a hen after her annual
laying period in the southern hemi
sphere were rushed across the equator
to the United States she might lay dur
ing the rest of the year at the same
rate and thus establish a new "record"
for a year's production. Still, it looks
|lke a mean trick to play on a poor hen.
►-Youth's Companion.
The Outlet.
Physiology Teacher —Clarence, you
may explain how we hear things. Clar
ence—-Pa tells 'em to ma as a secret,
and ma gives 'em away at the bridge
club.—Cleveland Leader.
"The Battle Cry
of Peace"
A PATRIOTIC radio airmen; *
Setter Than ; 'The Birth of a Nation"
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Hundreds of bees can hang one t
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of the upper one.
A oure proof.
"The new family who have Just
moved in have something in their lives
they want to hide."
"Why do you think so?"
"Because their hired girl Is deaf and
dumb."—Baltimore American.
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In Sympathy.
The two men had met at a dinner
party and were talking in a corner by
themselves.
"You see that tall woman with the
sharp nose and the critical eye?" ask
ed one of them.
"Yes." said the other quietly.
"Well, I"ve watched her for quite
awhile. She's always got her nose
into somebody's business. She's the
last woman I'd marry."
"Which shows how strangely in sym
pathy we are." said the other without
resentment "She's the last woman J
did marry "—Exchange.
The Lacking Stroke.
"Do you think it would improve my
style." inquired the varsity man who
had got into the crew through favor
itism, "if 1 were to acquire a faster
stroke?"
"It would improve the crew." replied
the candid trainer, "if you got a para
lytic stroke."—L^ndou-Tit-Kits.
Well?
Solomon was the wisest as well as
the most married of men—Think that
over. — Florida Times-Union.
Ripening Fruits.
Fruits undergo marked changes in
cher •;1 compos:'.ion as they grow to
their full size and ripen. In some fruits
rr a .. a* iner *ises the sucrar content
Teases the acid, whereas in some
others both sugar and acid content de
crease in the ripening process.
U rforeseen.
"Didn't you guarantee that mattress
for six months?"
"Yes. sir. but you didn't tell me it
was for a boy's boarding school."—
New York Times.
A good inflow makes a good outflow;
he who ta s in much can and must
give -**iueh.—Siarke.
Qua hu M isi Mi Know. ■
D. Have you read the Consti
tution of the United States?
R. Yes.
D. What form of Government
is this ?'
R. Republic.
D. What is the Constitution of
the United States?
R. It is the fundamental law of
this country.
D. Who makes the laws of the
United States?
R. The Congress.
D. What does Congress consist
o|?
R. Senate and House of Rep
, resentatives.
D. Who is our State Senator?
\
R. Theo. M. Kurtz.
D. Who is the chief executive
of the United States?
R. President.
I
D. How long is the President
of the United States elected?
R. 4 years.
D. Who takes the place of the
President in case he dies?
R. The Vice President.
D. What is his name?
R. Thomas R. Marshall.
D. By whom is the President of
the United States elected?
R. By the electors.
D. By whom are the electors
elcted? e
R. By the people.
D. Who makes the laws for the
stete of Pennsylvania.
R. The Legislature.
D. What does the Legislature
consist of?
R. Senate and Assembly.
D. Who is our Assemblyman?
R. Wilmer H. Wood.
D. How many State in the un
ion?
R. 48. ~
D. When was the Declaration
of Independence signed?
R. July 4, 1776.
D. By whom was it written?
R. Thomas Jefferson.
D. Which is the capital of the
United States?
R. Washington.
D. Which is the capital of the!
state of Pennsylvania.
R. Harrisburg.
D. How many Senators has i
each state in the United States
Senate ?
FOR SALE and Ml ADS'
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a word each insertion.
FOR SALE—Corner lot in Chevj
Chase, 65x150, for further informa
tion, apply at this office.
WANTED—Slavish or Polish |
men, well acquainted in Indiana
and mine camps. Can make $25 1
to $3O per week. Call 15 Carpen
ter avenue, Indiana, Pa.
FOR SALE—Good automobile. |
1914 Vulcan Roadster. A-l run
ning condition. Will demonstrate.
Sacrifice, $250. Need money. Call
or write J. M., care "Patriot." 15
Carpenter avenue, Indiana, Pa.
Wanted— Girl for general
housework. Small family, no chil
dren. Foreign girl preferred. Iu-
Sorne Reputation.
Binx— What kind of a reputation ha-.
Jones got?
Jinx—So good that he can wear cuff
buttons witk other people's initials and
get away with it. —St. Louis Post-Dis
patch. .
R. Two.
D. Who are our U. S. Senators?
R. Boise Penrose and George
T. Oliver.
D. By whom are they elected?
R. By the people.
D. For how long?
R. 6 years.
D. How many representatives
are there ? ..
R. 435. According to the pop
ulation one to every 211,000, (the
ratio fixed by Congress after each
decennial census.)
D. For how long are they elect
ed?
R. 2 years.
D. Who is our Congressman?
R. S. Taylor North.
D. How many electoral votes
has the state of Pennsylvania?
R. 38.
D. Who is the chief executive
of the state of Pennsylvania?
R. The Governor.
D. For how long is he electedt
R. 4 years.
D. Who is the Governor?
R. Brumbaugh.
D. Do you believe in organized
government ?
R. Yes.
D. Are you opposed to organis
ed government?
R. No.
D. Are you an anarchist ?
R. No.
D. What is an anarchist?
R. A person who does not be
ieve in organized government.
D. Are you a bigamist of poli
gamist ?
R. No.
D. What is a bigamist or poly
gam ist?
R. One who believes in having
more than one wife.
D. Do you belong to any secret
Society who teaches to disbelieve
in organised government?
R. No.
D. Have you ever violated any
lews of the United States?
R. No.
D. Who makes the ordinances
for the City ?
R. The board of Aldermen.
D. Do you intend to remain
permanently in the U. S. ?
R. Yes.
la ligh.t made to y
fit ■y&u.r need, fj
| s/ERE&Dy i
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