The Daily Collegian Wednesday, Oct. 20, 1999
Look no further for 'true' role model
In a world frantically in search
of heroes, I humbly offer
myself.
With the growing amount of
social destruction committed by
politicians, athletes and rock stars,
thc young people of today are long
ing for someone to emulate. Some
o to admire. Someone to woo
--r.
r hat someone is moi.
;hy, you ask, am I the person to
'') lead our generation into the
zlstcentury?
irs because of what I haven't
(looe.
I've never been with an intern
e turned me down. When the Stu
.- Book Store employee offered
1. .2 free store merchandise, I
staunchly refused ... and I paid a
w'!ole $2O for it.
Rarely have I lied, and immedi
after getting caught I felt
!tv
'! - rue, I have choked my own
head coach and I once flicked off
an obnoxious fan while "adjusting"
with the same hand, but don't base
that on loose morals, blame it on
them provoking me.
And speaking of morals, I don't
v. - lilt anyone to dig up dirt on me.
AP r lIIP Sir .I‘P r .910/ r AK - SIK .
Air The sisters of Theta Kappa Pi
wish to announce their Fall 1999 .111 e r
flew Member class
Erin Alderton Lauren tlye 11101 r
Renee Bianucci Molly Penn
Allli r Megan Blaschak Colleen Quinn .11F r
Katie Garman Melissa Rodriguez
illipr Christine Gerken Christine Saulino Air
Kate Giannini Lauren Shallow
Jana Grimm Michele Smith
Rachel lbaugh Erin Steck
Dana Irwin Merritt Swallow
Jen Klock Becky Werner
Congrats Girls! We love You!
Air
Or
lAB,
The Sisters
Special thanks to Beth and Kelly for a great rush!
.14Pr 14V AV AV Sfr SPr
SHANDYGAFF
That being said, I readily will
admit that I have committed adul
tery both ways around, snorted
ridiculous amounts of coke, and I
always down a fifth of Jose Cuervo
1800 before I lay me down to sleep.
This of course happened because
of my abusive upbringing.
The youth of today are just
another reason why I must be a
hero in this pot-loving society. Do
you think I got this 250-pound roid
raged body by smoking the reefer?
Hell no. I got it shooting up, and
there is a BIG difference.
I've never solicited a prostitute
who later turned out to be a cop.
And no one has ever accused me of
having bad ethics, or having any
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ethics at all for that matter.
I will go out on a limb and tell
you my courageous stance on the
controversial topics of the environ
ment and education.
They are important issues.
That's all I have to say.
Although it might cost me my
reputation, I will admit that I am
against kiddie porn, genocide and
oil spills. I only plagiarize when I
have writer's block.
Forget trying to bribe me you
probably can't afford to and I don't
take checks.
I always will admit when I am
wrong. It just hasn't happened yet
I will let you know my views
after my advisor Mr. Gallup tells
me what the public thinks.
I will fight for the positive
choice until I die, or until it
becomes inconvenient to do so
(whichever comes first).
I have experience in print news
Check out the police log. I have
made guest appearances on Real
Stories of the Highway Patrol. You
can even check out my own web
site www.whipsandchains.com.
I will make your dreams come
true by giving you toll-free advice.
Just give me your credit card num-
Read de ealie9ieut aid #144 aoid
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Although it might cost
me my reputation, I
will admit that I am
against kiddie porn,
genocide and oil
spi Ils.
ber for security purposes.
My Y2K plan is just about com
plete. I titled it "Deferring to the
Experts."
Living vicariously through me
will bring new meaning to your
tiny, pointless lives.
I have the surgeon-enhanced
looks, the buns of grade A-steel,
and the celebrity spokemodels to
help lead you into the next millen
nium.
I have my own opinion column,
too. But the only open space for it
was in Sports.
Hiran Ratnayake (hjrll6@psu.edu)
is a senior majoring in journalism
and American studies and a Colle
gian women's tennis and wrestling
writer.
Last Weeks Winner: Brock Anders
Samuelsson begins
practices with Flyers
By The Associated Press
PHILADELPHIA He's the
guy you hate to play against but
love to have on your side.
That was the general feeling
yesterday of the Flyers when
they welcomed their newest
teammate, Ulf Samuelsson.
The 35-year-old defenseman
took part in his first practice
but probably won't be ready for
today's game against one of his
former teams, the New York
Rangers. Coach Roger Neilson
said he hoped to have Samuels
son in the lineup for Friday
night's game in New York
against the Rangers.
Flyers general manager Bob
Clarke said one of the reasons
he signed the unrestricted free
agent was because he brings a
lot of emotion and physical play
to the game and the Flyers
seem to play better when they
perform with intensity.
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0
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iebreaker: Total Points Scored in the
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Information
Philadelphia
San Francisco
Denver
Cincinnati
NY Jets
"Everybody knows him for
being aggressive and hitting
guys," said Eric Desjardins. "It
takes time away from guys
when they're looking to find the
guy who's going to hit you or be
in your face the whole time.
"You hate to play against a
guy like that but you love to
play with him."
He and Ron Francis were part
of a 1991 trade that sent them
from Hartford to Pittsburgh.
Mark Recchi said Samuelsson
was a catalyst for Pittsburgh's
first Stanley Cup that year.
"We didn't have that defense
man who made an impact," he
said. "The biggest part of that
trade was getting Ulf. He drove
other teams nuts, other players
nuts. I think he plays well on a
great team. The fans in Philly
will appreciate him ... he'll bang
a few guys, they'll get right into
it with him and he'll feed off
that."
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