Editorial opinion
Welcome to PSU,
Yesterday *you were a person.
Today you arfe a number.
One of thrity-or-so thousand
students. A dorm room number
36 Thompson or an apartment
number *402 Penn Tower. A
linen locker number 36 and
combination 13-24-9. A mail
box number 36 and com
bination EI.S2. A bicycle
registration number EJ12460.
A phone number 865-1566. A
University Park zip code number
16802. A Social Security num
ber 183-44-2821, oris it 183-
44-2128?
Don’t let all the numbers make
you socially insecure or confused.
With a little bit of effort, you can be
a person again.
When the numbers get con
fusing, ask someone to explain
them. Grab a passing up
perclassman to tell you where
building B& is when it does not ap
pear where the map says it should.
So you're all alone at Penn State.
Your mommy has kissed you goodbye, and you’ve
finished unpacking. You know there are 30,000
other students here, but you don't know any of them
by name. So what can you do?
Youjeould dust your potted petunias for the third
time. Or you could go to the craft workshop this af
ternoon and learn everything from terrarium planting
to crocheting.
You could develop an ulcer worrying about
whether you’ll make it through registration alive. Or
you could attend one of the “how-to-get-through
registration” sessions scheduled in each of the dorm
areas this evening. ...
You could repack all the candles you brought with
you because you’re not sure you are allowed to burn
them in the dorms. Or you could attend the legal af
fairs seminar tonight to find out your rights and
responsibilities, j
This side of the truth
Ye olde presidential transcripts
By JACK JACKSON
of the Collegian staff
I m afraid I'm one of those people who
ihink ii is unfortunate that President
Nixon had to resign. He was betrayed by
his aides, such as John Dean, who were
often unreasonably tell the
truth And then there were those tell-tale
transcripts
Through a lot of'research this sum
mer however, it has come to my at
tention that other American presidents
were guilty ot the same "crimes" that
Nixon is accused of. In papers only
recently declassified by the Library of
Congress. I have found that George
Washington Himself was engaged in
strange and covert operations.
In the spirit of )ustice and good jour
nalism I feel it is my duty to reveal what
is contained in these conversations
between our first president when he was
still a general and his chief adviser.
Thomas Jefferson
P: Good morning. Torty I wanted to talk
to you about this stuff that you. Ben.
John and the others were kicking
around You know. I don't think the
British are going to like it very much.
J: i know that., sir. but Hancock says
i «
183-44-2821
The students running around
with "OL” buttons pinned to their
shirts are Orientation Leaders.
Their job is answering your
questions. Nab one.
Have questions about rules,
regulations or registration? Your
resident assistant has all the an
swers. RAs’ room doors are clearly
marked. Knock on one if you need
an answer.
When the confusion begins to
clear a little, you can start getting
some social security besides the
number. It is easier not to be a
number when you are doing
something that interests you and
that helps you meet students with
the same interests.
Because many different kinds of
students sign up for a four-year
hitch here, Penn State has a, lot of
different religious and special in
terest organizations everything
from the Hillel Foundation to the
Model Train Club. You can find out
Meet the University
that if they ask us any questions, we
can plead the Fifth Amendment.
P: What's that?
J: Well.-we haven't gotten it all down on
parchment yet. but £ur attorneys think
it'll be a legal way of stonewalling it.
P: Well. then, get it. that’s for damn
Speaking about the British are
they (unintelligible) for the future? We
have to have strong defensive systems.
How are our minutgman forces
deployed?
J: Three minutemen to every middlesex
village and town.
P: Sounds good. Keep working on it.
J: Getting back to that other stuff.
P: Right Let’s talk about domestic
matters. Tom.
J: Yod 'mean about Jnternal affairs, the
economy and everything?
P: No, I mean my wife. Martha. She’s
(unintelligible).
J: Oh. uh. I can understand that.
P: Well. I wanted her to do some of my
campaigning for me. but she’s com
plaining that her hair gets mussed .when
we fly that. uh. what is it called, the
flag? Oh. the Stars and Stripes it
musses her hair and whatever else gets
mussed. ■=
J-. We'll see viihat can be done about it.
August* 9. igru.
IF
l
•cr
about them by going to the HUB,
where they are all registered with
the Undergraduate Student
Government, or by watching for
announcements of their meetings,
attending the meetings and par
ticipating.
When you’ve found there is a
method to all this University Park
madness, you might want to help
the organization trying to make
University- life more sane. USG,
the Association of Residence Hall
Students and the Organization of
Town Independent Students are
only three of 300 registered
student groups.
, If you have a complaint against
the University, take it to one of
these organizations and help them
clear it up. Get involved.
Don’t let Penn State turn you in
to a number. Cornel out. Ask
questions. Get involved in campus
activities.
Assert yourself as a person
You could lock your door and push your desk up
against it and stay alone in your room because you
are afraid you might get mugged walking alone on the
big bad campus at night. Or you could discuss
assault with members of the campus Police Services
tomorrow night, or learn self defense from a Police
Services investigator tonight. ..
You could read “Little Women” for the third time.
Or you could attend the Pattee Open House
tomorrow night and discover all those books you
always wanted to read but could never! find and
thousands of books you never found because you
didn’t know they existed.
You could very easily hibernate in your closet here
for the next four years. Penn State will never come
knocking at your door except to collect tuition.
But hibernation is for bears and other illiterate
creatures, not students. So get a good start at
meeting Penn State. Take full advantage of the
Orientation activities planned for this week.
P: Now about the campaign. We want to
stay away from the arts. That’s Tories,
you know. Left wing. We want to keep it
middle America.
J: But. sir, there is no mibdle America
yet. We're only 13 colonies.
P: 0.K., just remember, no Tories.
J: What else did you want to cover
today?
P: Funny you should mention cover,
Tom. Remember Franklin had that idea
to eavesdrop on British campaign
headquarters?
J: (unintelligible)
P: Whatever became of it?
J: He had one of those new stoves he’s
designed installed in their meeting
room.
P: So?
J: Well, he’s been sitting in it for'the last
four days and listening in on them.
P: There isn’t any danger he’ll get caught
is there?
J: No. sir, but if we get a cold snap, he’s
going to be in a lot of trouble.
P: Good. Now I wanted, ah, to talk to
you about our foreign service personnel.
J: Both of them, sir?
P: Yes, our.envoy to England and our
envoy to France. How are things getting
on with them?
Welcome to the real Fun City!
The staff and faculty of 'the Pennsylvania State
University would like to extend a warm welcome to the
freshmen and transfer students arriving at the
University Park campus.
Everyone who knows better would like to extend
deepest sympathies.
No doubt your arrival was merely an indication of
things to come. The Pennsylvania Bureau of Statistics
and Other Neato Things found that 99.6 per cent of all
incoming students last year spent their first day here:
(a) stuck in the Annual klew Arrival Traffic Jam
conducted on the same date each year by drivers like
yourself; 1
(b) arguing with apartment landlords about who gets
t£e one room flat which, it turned out, had been rented
to; seventeen different people;
(c) trying to find a direct descendent of Harry
Houdini to get a folding bicycle unlodged from the car
trunk; *
\
>
(d) phoning the trucking company to see if they've
located the steamer trunk which contains your clothes
and underwear and which was last seen leaving St.
Louis truck terminal for San Oiego; or
(e) kissing a reluctant mother goodbye.
The other .4 per cent spent the day in Pine Grove
Mills, trying to figure out which buildings were part of
South Halls.
Of course, the fun is just beginning. For the dorm
dweller, it is inevitable that his or her roommate will
be:,
(b) a cross' between an exhibitionist and an
audiophile who likes to entertain the whole dorm area
with a 400-watt amplifier, 40-inch speakers, and a slew
of Jan and Dean albums; or
(c) a gorilla.
For the apartment dweller, the real levity will come
when he finds that his apartment doesn’t have all those
By TOM GIBB
of the Collegian staff
(a) unable to. speak English;
Click!
w hat the dorm slide show doesn’t tell you
Or,
By BILL SPANGLER
of the Collegian staff
Nearly every incoming student
receives some type of information about
the dormitories on campus:. But often
this information is incomplete or does
not really capture the spirit of the dorm
group.
So I’d like to present a brief slide show
that might give you a better idea of what
dorm living is like.
Everyone comfortable? Then we’ll
start.
This is a picture of North Halls, fslorth
is known for its interest houses, where
students in the same field, such as arts
pnd architecture, live together.
The interest houses are proving so
successful that the University is plan
ning to expand the program. Next year
there will be interest houses for poker,
taxidermy and knuckle-cracking.
Click.
This is East Halls. At first you might
think East is isolated from the rest of
campus, but it isn’t really. There are
buses twice a week, and mail is delivered
J: Just fine, sir.
P: Have there been any foreign requests
for American aid yet?
J: No, sir, but the British government in
India offered to send us food if we need
it and the Czar has some wheat he wants
to sell. r>
P: I don’t see any, ah, need for it.
(Inaudible). Now let’s get on to patriotic
matters. Has any planningtieen done to
celebrate our nation’s birthday?
J: Yes, slr.» Our primennial birthday,
when we’ll be one year old, will be held
this July fourth.
P: Good day for it.
J: Yes. Some of the New York boys
thought of it.
P: What kind of festivities are you
planning?
J: Well, we’re going to have a lot of
things like a “pick our national bird"
contest and "invent our national food”
contest.
P: Any entries yet?
J: Well, some of General Von Steuben's
troops suggested we invent the hot dog.
P: What are they like?
J: ‘Here, try one, sir. (Pause) What do
you think of it, sir?
P: (Inedible).
little luxuries like air-conditioning, running water and
indoor bathrooms.
At any rate, you needn’t fret. You’ll probably find that
in a few terms, you’ll fall into the routine of spend
ing your days in class and your nights in some little
bar.
Turning away from the miseries of housing, the new
student wifi find that fun and games abound on
campus, especially in the new contest called "Find
Your Adviser.” It is somewhat akin to trying to get the
secret out of Coca-Cola. For some reason, the opening
of school coincides closely with the day most advisers
go into nine-month,seclusion.
For many of the advisers you have been assigned to,
one of! two things is probably true; your adviser is
either pn leave of absence or deceased.
For of you lucky enough to get a real, live
adviser (well, real, anyway), you will find office hours
posted on his door. Note that these schedules merely
refer to hours and days. Advisers feel more flexible if
they don’t announce the month or year the schedule
refers to. Note also that the hours posted do not refer
to the times you will find your adviser in the office. It
merely serves notice as to when you may drop by to
find the lights on and the door hanging open.
Some advisers will also list their office phone
numbers with the little footnote, “If no answer, call this
number." Since it is one of the laws of nature that you
will never get an answer on an office phone, you are
expected to try the alternate number. The alternate
number, though, is probably not the adviser's home
phone. It is probably the number of a payrbooth down
on Pugh Street and College Avenue. However, it is
important to remember that aF least your adviser was
thoughtful enough to give you the number of a phone
that would be answered sometime by somebody.
Now let us suppose that you find your adviser in his
office (remember, now, we are only supposing). It will
then be time for the first adviser-advisee encounter.
(Emily Post reminds us that at times like these, we
regularly until the heavy snows start.
Once it starts snowing, it gets harder
to get out of East. But some people think
the winters are getting milder. Last year,
only three people wereglost trying to
cross Parking Lot 80.
Click.
This is Pollock area. On a typical
night, you can hear the men in Shunk
Hall tell the women in Hiester what they
think of them. The women tell the men
where to go with their opinions, and
what to do once they get there.
Click.
This is Nittany. No, I’m sorry, these
are the chicken coops above Nittany.
Here, let me-take this slide out. There.
That’s Nittany. You don’t see any dif
ference? That’s all right, a lot of people
don’t.
There are advantages in living in
Nittany, though. The rooms are all
singles, and you may repaint them.
But the housing staff is strict in some
areas. If you don’t leave your room with
the same number of cockroaches it had
when you moved in, they take money
from your general deposit.
DIANE M. NOTTLE
Editor
Editorial policy, is determined by the Editor.
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should not be carrying concealed weapons.) It is
important to size up your adviser by his very first
words. For instance, should he say, “Let's sit down
and get right to work," you can assume that he is very
business-like. If he says, “Welcome to my office" .or
“Wonderful day isn’t it,” he is probably the friendly
sort. If he says, "Well, I’m sure your schedule is
worked out, and we'll have a good year, I’m sure,” you
can be sure that not only is he an adviser but a
comedian, too.
Now let us imagine that you make it through
registration with one or two of the classes you want. (If
you have a wild imagination, you might be able to
picture this.) Your next step is to the bookstore.
While pricing books, keep in mind that if your father
had enough money to get your tuition paid, there's no
reason why he can’t go a step further and mortgage the
house to buy your books!
Of course, with anything the consumer must buy, he
feels he must moan and groan. Such is the case with
books. Many people say that the local bookstores
charge double the price for many books. That is but
another ugly rumor. Triple the price, maybe; double
the price, no.
Actually, you run up such a big bill at bookstores
because most profs get their jollies out of assigning
enormous numbers of texts. This practice serves two
purposes; first, it helps you in class, and second, the
texts will help you in later life. And such really is the
case. Last fall, I pulled an “A" in a math course, and
the weight of the books in my car trunk kept my wheels
from spinning in the snow during the winter.
Thus concludes my dissertation on the miseries of
coming to University Park. Wherever you may be at this
moment chasing your adviser across campus, being
removed from registration on a stretcher, or still caught
in the Annual New Arrival Traffic Jam take heart.
You are a child of the University, and if you've paid your
tuition, have a bursar’s receipt, and are carrying a
current matric card, you have a right to be here.
'Arnie, I just read
your Orientation
pamphlet "Anyone
Can Survive
Registration."
didn't know you
could write
fiction!'
This is South Halls. South includes
Beaver, but a lot of residents aren't
anxious for that to get around. /)
- People in Beaver have werf
unusual hobbies. Everytime someone
wrecks an elevator, he puts a stencil of
an elevator car on the door of his room.
Click.
This is Centre Halls. A lot of women
like to live in Centre because it’s close to
White Building, the women’s athletic
building. Watch your step with women
from Centre.
Click.
This is West Halls, which probably
looks more like a dorm area than most
places on carryius. But the ivy on the
building is more than decorative. It helps
hold the walls together, too.
The dining halls in West are in
teresting. When a meal period is over,
the staff closes the dining rooms down
instantly. I kirow someone who was late
going to dinfier one night lost three
teeth when the door hit him in the mouth
Click.
Any questions?
CYNTHIA A. ASHEAR
Business Manager