WEDNESDAY, JULY 18, 1951
declared! War, pure and simple, swift and ter
rible, 'will hit State College within the next few days. Not content
with living in . a
world that is one constant war, authorities of the
noble borough of State College have decided' to purge the starlings.
' First inklings of the imppding "war of birds" were noticed on
Monday" when John R. Juba, chief of police of the borough; an
nounced a call for volunteers to
a local militia to fight the birds.
The starlings, .who committed
their first acts of aggression early
last month, , have 'been steadily
invading tree after tree in the bor
ough, burrowing' from within or
using all-out aggression to gain
their imperialistic ends.
The birds have been using their
ill-gottm 'trees as bases for
bombing ,flights over various and
sundry residents of the town, and
as broadcasting stations for their
lengthy and continuous propa
ganda chatter.
BUt all that is a thing of the
past, as of a future date. All the
noise, all the messy sidewalks, all
the beady, staring eyes, all the
black clouds . of war-mongering
starlings are to be eliminated.
Chief Juba ; rapidly gathering his
valiant band of shotgunners
around him, is planning the "shot
heard 'round State College," when
all at once, and with terrible fi
nality, the bursts of. free men's
guns will end the menace and
once more restore the town to its
rightful inhabitants.
Any man,. woman, .or child of
State College who is strong
enough to tote a gun is being
clafted for the duration of the
emergency. The borough will pro
viae the ammunition.
The first wave will strike' at H
hour on D day, (yet undiscldsed
for security reasons; remember
the walls have starlings!) some
time later this week, when every
platoon leader, looking dramatic
ally at his synchronized watch,
will shout, "Go for broke," and
the battle will be on.. Each .blast
will be toned for one• mass "ex:-
plosion," Chief Juba -5aid.... ,.
Spotters have been- at work de
termining the points where the
starlings are massing their foices,
and any patriotic citizen of the
community is asked to report any
suspicious movement of large
groups of birds.
Prior to. the big summer of
fensive this week, Chief Juba has
offered a ceasefire proposal to the
birds. His terms were uncondi
tional surrender, and-the remoNral, •
of ' all foreign birds from State
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College trees. Spokesmen for the
birds have refused to comment.
Radio' starling has ignored the
peace offer, and continued its gib
berish about "free State College
for free starlings," and "over
throwing the capitalistic spar
rows."
Local canaries and robins sus
pected as being sympathetic to
the starlings have been rounded
up and put in relocation centers.
A strong warning , has been issued
against promiscuous firing at any
and all billds. Some are friendly
to' the town, and conduct them
selves in a gentlemanly maxmer
at all times.
Sentiment against the starlings
has been brewing for some time.
Residents of the community have
been calling for action against the
domineering invaders. But just
what the reason is for the sudden
action on the part of the local po
lice is unknown. The only hint is
found . in the fact that the once
shiny,' pure black, police cruiser,
has been subjected to a daily car
wash.
Saber Visits Japan
Dr. John A. Sauer, professor
and head of the department of
engineering • mechanics at the
Pennsylvania State College, is
serving in Japan as a member of
the Commission on Enginering
Education, organized at the re
quest of the Supreme Comman
der for Allied Powers by the
American Society for Engineering
Education and the Unitarian Ser
vice Committee.
The mission was organized by
Dr. Harry P. Hammond, dean of
the School of Engineering at Penn
State, and Howard L. Brooks, as
sociate director of the Unitarian
Service Committee.
Chairman of the group on the
mission is Dr. Harold L. Hazen,
head of the department of electri
cal 'engineering at the Massachu
setts Institute of Technology. The
group's tentative itinerary in
cludes Tokyo, Hiroshima, Osaka,
•Kyoto, Fukuoka, sendae,, and
Sappora.
THE SUAiMER COLLEGIAN, STATE COLtEGE, PENNSYLVANIA
Sympathizers
2800 Commissions
Open For Women
In US Air Force
The United States Air Force
needs 2,800 experienced business
and professional _women, with
college degrees, for appointme'nt
as Air Force Reserve officers, Lt.
Col. Jack W. Dieterle, professor
of air science and tactics at the
College, said today.
Colonel Dieterle explained that
successful civilian leadership
rather than prior military service
were desired and added that wo
men between the ages of 24 and
32 who have been accustomed to
dealing " with the public or have
held supervisory or managerial
positibns, whether for,pay or on a
voluntary basis, should be basic
ally qualified.
Before receiving their firs+ per
manent assignments. women ac
cepted will . be enrolled for an
eight-week Air Force indoctrina
tion course. More detailed infor
mation may be obtained from
Colonel Dieterle at the Air ROTC
office at the College.
Zeliner Receives
Powers Award
Charles Zellner, a June gradu
ate, received the first annual
Powers Award in poultry pre
sented by . William H. Powers in
memory of his two sons.
The award consists of a gold
'trophy and 25 dollars.
Zellner was ' editor of the Ag
Hill. Breeze, editor of the Penn
State Farmer, president of the
Poultry Club, and chairman of
the Coaly Society. . .
Charles Weintraub, June
graduate of CCNY, is working on
a government weather project at
the MI Building. He is a research
assistant.
24 HOUR
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'Gene Walk Assigned
To Fort Knox, Ky.
' Brig. Gen. Arthur R. Walk, for
mer professor of military science
and tactics at the College, has
been assigned •to duty at Fort
Knox, Ky.
General Walk returned to this
country last month after serving
six months as commanding gen
eral of Eniwetok in the Marshall
Islands, the atomic bomb testing
site. His family had maintained
residence in State College during
his• assignment in the Pacific.
Harry Cover, a student at the
College, is hard at work prepar
ing the fall orientation week pro
gram.
•
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Professor Cook Writes
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"Principles of Business and
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Franklin H. Cook, associate pro
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N. Y.
The book in combination text
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principles of constitutional law
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PAGE FIVE