Columbia democrat and star of the north. (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1867, February 20, 1867, Image 1

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Two Dollars per Aunum in Advance.
JACOBT & SHCaiAN Publishers.
VOL. XXX- i "
J1-LJJ V .
- mm,'ff
Fresident Judge Hon. William Elwell.
Associate J udges-- pT Ilerbein.
Proth'y an J Ok of Courts J esse Coleman.
Register and Recorder John G. Freeze.
( Allen Mann,
John F. Fowler,
I Montgomery Cole.
Sheriff Samuel Snyder.
Treasurer John J. Stiles.
1 Daniel Snyder,
L. B Rupert,
John P. IIannon.
"Commissioner's Clerk Wpi. Krickbaum.
Commissioner's Attorney E. II. Little.
Mercantile Appraiser Capt. Geo. W. Utt.
County Surveyor Isaac A. Dewitt.
. District Attorney Milton M. Traugh.
Coroner Will am J. Ikeler.
County Superintendent Chas. G. Barkley,
Assessor Internal Revenue K. F. Clark.
. f John Thomas,
Assistant Assessor
S. i. I'lemcr,
J. II. Ikeler,
J. S. Woods.
Collector Benjamin b Ilartman.
THE undersigned has j-isl Sited up. an J opened,
his new
in thi plaeo. whre li is prepared lu make up new
T WARR nf ill kinds in bin line, and An repair
ibg with Beanies and disp-ilib, upon the nni rea
sonable term. Ileafso keep on ha ml STOVES of
various patterns and style, winch lie will sell upon
terms to suit oiircha?r.
Uie niu. oil. He is a gnoi mechanic, and de
serving of il u'lb'ic putrouagw.
Bloomsbnr;. Sept. 9. lSt:6. ly.
A New Hair Cuitins, Stiavin. and Dyins Saloon,
has been opened in the renr of Hun-br?e r'j T-iUae-co
Store, CloomnburC. where all kinds of work in
the barberin; line wl l be neatly and promptly at
tended to Heine "U the sau.e mil of the street with
all the lintels, them is no m-ed of crossing thu street,
through the m id, to gut to the xhop.
Hair work manufactured to ordi-r. Ladies wishine
their hair dressed in Water fal . or otherwise, with
or without crimp, will be atleuded to by a lady, in
separata apartiunts.
Cy Reuieinher the place. Main Street, rear of
tluasberger's Tobacco Store.
ov.'J8, leuti.
-KSPiV,' TKIi,
Epy, Co lu ' Pa.
The nnderiined hnvin- become si v - fictor nl
hi well known and conveniently locals! stand,
respectfully informs hi friend, and the public in
general, that he bas put hi hue in complete order
lor the acroinuindatioii of boarders, and for the recep
tion and eutertaiiiuient of iravi-liers who may feel
disposed to favar it with I hew cn.'tom. Nn expense-
has been spared in pre panne, tins lintel for th enter
turn men I of ruets, and tiffining- shall be wanting, on
hia p .rt. to minister to their personal comfort. The
location, as well us the building, is a rood one, and
all togethei is amply arranged to please the public.
Espy. April 11, lbV. if.
The undersigned is about fitting np
attbePENN FL'RVACB MII.IS, and will oer to
lTOTia Scotia While Plaster.
prepared ready for ne in quantities to suit purchas
era, at any time from the first of March next
Catawissa, Jan. 2H, 1867.
Respectfully informs the public that ho is now'pre
pared to-uiunufacture all kinds of
at the L 0 WEST Possible Prices ;
-at short notice and in the very best and latest strict
Sir. Girloii, (as is well-known in Klooiiishnrc.) ha
had many years of suceexsfiil experi' nee wuh a rep
ntstion for good work, inle;riiy and honorable deal
ing unsurpassed.
VJt Place f busiuosa on South East' Corner of
Blain and Iron streets, over 1. K.Girton'a Hlore.
Bloomsburg. Oct. 10, Ir'trfi. 2m
GEO. W. MArGER, Proprietor.
The above well-known hotel has recently under
gone radical changes in its internal arrangement.,
and its proprietor announies to his former eutom
and the travelling public that hi accommodation
for the comfort of bis guests 'are second to none in
the country. His table, will always be found sup
plied, not onlj with substantial food, but with al
the delicacies of the sea.-uu. Hi wine and li'iuort
(except Mat popular beverage known as Mclemrf,'
purchased direct frosa the importing bouses, are en
tire' y pure, and free frcm all poisonous drugs. He
is thankful for a lioeral patronage in the past, and
wiil continue to deserve it sn the future.
Jund 13. 130G. tf.
THE nndersirned would most respectfully an
nounce to the public general!, that he is prepared"
to exeent.; all kinds of M ACII IN R V, at JO.-tl'H
SUArE5S' FOUNDRY. in Bloouishur?. where he
can always be found ready to do all kinds of repair
ing, including Threshing Ma hines, and in ?hort. all
kinds ol Farmins Utensils- ALrt . TtJRVINU AN'O
done on short notice, in a rood workman!-,, uiau
ner, upon the most reasonable
Civil Engineers and Patent Solicitors.
So. 435 WALNUT BTRtKT-. Phi.aielphia. -
PATENTS solicited Consultations on Engineering
Draughting and Sketches, Models and Machinery
f all kinds vadb and skll'ullv attended to. Special
attention given to REJECTED CASES and INTER
FERENCES. Authentic Copies of all Documents
(cam Patent Office procured.
M. B. Save yoarsLlves useless trouble and trav
eling there is no actuai ueed for person,
ai interview with us. All business with these orti
ces caa be transacted in writing. For further inor.
. roation direct as above, with stamp enclosed furCir
' cnlar with reierences.
A prU 18, 180d. ly. J W.
TTfV. subscriber having purchased th "Fallon
Bouse," ia
property of E. W. Big on y. Esq., wooM say to tha
friends of the House, bis acquaintances, and In pub
lic generally, that he intends to "keep a Hunt,
with the accommodations and comforts of a Hoosa,
aad humbly solicits their patronage.
Late of the Madison House. Pb lladelphia.
Lock Haven. Dec 6. 1306.
M1 ,J"V"! "fcrtene. lU)J omjaej,,, a, foreman !n
l f the shop of Iwis II. Mans of tins plaee. for over
J ",e yI', Warrants hnn in ay Ins that ho ean give
I y5 '""re aatlsfaction tQ all W0J mav favor him with
iKf Work.
I UbUklifi UAWLai,
f BlOom.burg, Nov. 21. 1SCS.
Estate of Leah Poh&, late of Caitre Toiai
ship, deceased.
Letters of administration on the estate of Leah
Pohe. late of Centre Township. Columbia County,
dec d have bees granted by the Register of said
county, to Joseph Pohe, reaiditnf ia the township
aad county aforesaid. Ail persona having claims on
tha eaLaia axa lequeaiad U present themselves for
aarJesient, and those indebted to tha estate will
toaaa payment forthwith to the adminiswator.
- ? V !"? S. -
TERM.'. ?1 OO in aHvanre. If not paid wilbin
SIX MONTHS. 5 rent additional will b chreii.
Noimprr iliscnntimieil until all arrearages
are paid except at the option or me editor.
One square one or three insertion
Every subsequent insertion lei than 13..
space. 1st. 2m. 3m. Oh,
.$1 50
3 no
I 4,00
la. on
10 uo
20 00
30 00
Executor's and Administrator's No lice. 3.00
Auditor's Notice 2.50
Other advertisements inserted according to special
Ilusiness notices, without advertisement, twenty,
certs per line.
Transient advertisements payable in aJnce all
others due alter the first insertion.
y OFFICE In Shive's Block, Corner of Main
and Iron streets.
tiloomsburg. Columbia County, Pa.
YOl'.(; G 11 131 ES.
Old Grimes is dead that good old man,
We ne'er h;i!I see him more ;
But he has left a son who bears
The name that old Grimes bore.
lie wears a coat of latest cut,
lILs hat is new and gay;
He cannot bear to view distress,
So he turns from it away.
His pants arc gaiters fitting snu
O'er patent leather shoes;
His hair is by a barber curled
He smokes cigars and chews.
A chain of massive gold is borne
Above his flahy vest ;
His clothes are better every day
Thau were old GrHc .best.
In Fafhion's conrt'Ss. - nt walks,
Where he delight dX ?d ;
His hands are white ry soft,
But softer is his het
He's six feet tall no post more straight,
His teeth are pearly white;
Iu habits he is sometimes loose,
And sometimes very tight.
His manners arc of sweetest Tace,
His voice of softest tone ;
His diamond pin's the very one
That old Ohiaies used to own.
His moustache adorns his face,
Hi3 neck a scarf of blue;
He sometimes goes to church for change,
And sleeps in Grimes's pew.
He sports the latest "cab" in town,
Is always quick to bet ;
lie never knows who's President,
But thinks " Old Tip" 'a iu yct.
He has drank wines of every kind,
And liquors cold and hot ;
Young Grimes, in short, is just that sort
Of man old Grimes was not.
Ail Elementary C'alcclilsiii.
It is tearful to relate how many persons
rush into matrimony totally unprepared for
the awful change that await3 them. A man
may take a wife at twenty-one, before he
knows the difference between a chip or leg
horn. "We would no more grant a license to
anybody simply because he is of age, than
a license on that ground only to practice as
an apothecary. Husbands ought to be edu
cated. Wc would like the following ques
tions put to young, inexperienced persons
about to marry :
Are j-o'u aware, sir, of the price of coal
and candles?
How far will a leg of mutton go in a
small familj' ?
How much dearer, now, is silver than
Britannia ?
Declare if yon can, rash youth, the sum
per annum that chemisetts, pelerines, or
cardinals, bonnets, veils, crapes, ribbons,
flowers, gloves, cuffs, and collars would
come to in a lump.
If unable to answer these inquiries, we
would say to him; "Go back to school."
He that would be a husband should also un
dergo Jraining. physical and nicral. He
should be further examiucd thu.s ;
Can yne. rea or -write amid the bqUo of a
nursery ?
Can you wait any given "time for break
fast? Can you maintain your serenity during a
washing day ?
Qin you cut your old friends ?
Can you stand being contradicted in the
face of all reason ?
.Can you keep your temper when you are
not listened to ?
Can you do wbat you are told without
being told why?
In one word, young man, have you the
patience of Job?
If you can lay your hand upon your heart
and answer "yc" ke yur license and
marry not else.
Pass Him Around. Old John Kawalt
deserves to have his name mentioned in
every Democratic paper in the country.
May the old veteran live to celebrate the
100th anniversary of hia birthday. The
Canton Register says of him. "One day
latweek, Jodin Rawalt, of Joshua Township,
and for many years a citizen of this county,
now eighty-six years of age, cut down the
trees, chopped and corded a cord of hickory
wood. He has forty grand-children, and
seventy great grand-children, and to-day can
bear more exposure and hardship, we ven
ture to say, than any of them. He is a life
long Democrat, having voted for Jefferson
for President, and voted the t straight Dem
ocratic ticket ever since. Last fall he walk
ed four miles to cast hi vote for the Demo-cntitickct."
One square, 8.00
Two squares, 3.0o
Three 5,00
Four squares, 6.00
Half roliliiill, 10. Oo
One eoluHin. Ij.0
WAS 1 1 1 X GTOX-LI C O .
"We can hardly look at it without thinking
"cuss words" or invoking a healthy-sized
"damn" on the scoundrel whose fiendish
brain conceived or whose hand executed the
impious production of a diabolical ingenuity.
It lies before us on the editorial desk,
among papers and letters, clippings and
scissoring?, weighing upon our vision, sick
ening our soul like an ugly nightmare chas
ing away better thoughts and gentler emo--tions
It was sent us by a friend, with these
words accompanying the gift "Respectfully
furnished to the La Crosse Democrat taken
by our special artist on the spot"
Let us describe it ! A little card picture !
A mass of dark and heavy clouds through
an opening in thctr centre, the noble face of
Washington, wearing that benign and dig
nified look familiar to every American,
whether boy or man. There are the pow
dered wig, the ruffled fchirt front and cuffs,
old-fashioned coat, in his right hand is held
a blick ureath, while his left rests on
Not on a slimy, creeping, loathsome ser
pent not on some monstrous creation of
invagination not on a gibbering, grimacing
devil tcorse than that !
The hand clasps the lean, gaunt, repulsive
pictured form of Lincoln the sombre wreath
is poised above the mocking brow of the
late lamented," who 'shuffled off this
mortal coil'' and departed for his eternal
home, "wherever that home may be," by
way of Ford's Theatre, Washington, and the
politeness of one J. "W. Booth !
And the "late lamented 1" The artist has
given to his features a sadness and pathos
which is simply ridiculous. He looks up
into the face of the foremost man of our
history, with about as much expression as
would be painted on an idiot's face while
gazing upof the sudden apparition of an
Above the heads of both there is another
cloud opening, and a squad of winged be
ings are preparing to receive the ill-matched
couple with the "honors of war !M
Washington ! Lincoln !
A statesman linked with a boor !
A Christian gentleman with an ignorant
clown !
A soldier and patriot with a bar-room pol
itician !
Purity with obscenity !
Intellect with ignorance !
Light with darkness !
The Father of his Country with its de-
L strover !
An illustrious Rebel with an ignoble Loy
alist !
Heaven with hell !
Looking at the photographs once more,
we see two pictures :
"Washington at Valley Forge, the winter
quarters of the "Rebel" army in J 777. In
huts the poorly-clad and worse-fed rebels,
Exposed to the severity of a t Tiib!e winter
pass the weary days, yet strong of soul and j
brave of heart, trusting in their great lead
er! See him at prayer deriving consola
tion and hope from on high, for the comfort
of the people whose chieftain he is I
Lincoln at Antietam, in 18H2 ! He is
riding beside the gallant McClellan, over
that field but a few days since made pain,
fully memorable by the severest battle of
the war. Pointing to a spot a short dis
tance away, McClellan sadly observed
"There we buried eight hundred noble fel
lows!" Scarcely bestowing a look upon it,
with a levity horribly contrasting with the
scene before him, Lincoln remarked '"Mac,
did you ever hear Major P. sing 'Old Dan.
Tucker?'" The General, touched to the
soul with so horrible a profanity of such a
place, sorrowfully shook his head. Lincoln
called Major 1., riding a few rods in the
rear, and insisted upon his singing the song,
and it was done !
How do you like the pictures, worship
pers of the martyr ? "What do you think
of them?
Let U3 t"r to the words of the two men
placed by an infernal pictorial design in such
proximity.. e quote lioin tne l arcwell
Address of "Washington :
"It is of infinite moment that you should '
properly estimate the immense value of your
National Union to your collective and indi
vidual happiness ; that you should cherish
a cordialj habitual, and immovable attach
ment to it ; accustoming yourselves to think
and speak of it- as the palladium of your
political safety and prosperity ; watching for
.U p escrvation with jealous anxiety ; dis
countenancing whatever may suggest even a
suspicion that it can, in any event, be aban
doned ; and indignantly frowning upon the
first dawning of every atttempt to alienate
any portion of our country from the rest,
or to eufeeble thej-acrcd tie3 which now link
together the various parts.
"The basis of our political system, is the
right of the people to make and to alter
their constitutions of Government ; but the
Constitution which at any time exists, till
changed by an explicit and authentic act of
the whole people, is sacredly obligatory upon
all. The very idea of the power and the
right of the people to establish Government,
pre-supposes the duty of every individual to
obey the established Government.
"All obstructions to the execution of the
laws, all combinations and associations, under
whatever plausible character, with the real
design to direct, control, counteract, or awe
the regular deliberation and action of the
constituted authorities, are destructive to
this fundamental principle, and of fatal ten
dency. They serve to organize faction, to
trive it an artificial and extraordinary force,
to rut in the place of the delegated will of
. . . .,, A f. - It
the nation, tne will or a party, oiien a email
but artful and enterprising minority of the
community and, according to the alternate
triumphs of different parties, to make the
nnblic administration the mirror of the ill-
concerted and incongruous projects of fac
tion, rather than the orean of consistent and
wholesome plans, digested by common coon--
"One method of assault may be to effect,
in the forms of the Constitution, alterations
which will impair the energy of the system,
and thus to undermine what cannot be di
rectly overthrown. In all the changes to
which you may La invited, remember that
time and habit are at k& as necessary to
fix the true character of Governments as of
other human institutions; that experience
is the surest standard by whii h to test the
real tendency of the existing Constitution of
a country ; that facility iu changes, iipon
the credit of mere hypothesis and opinion.
exposes to perpetual change, from the end
lass variety of hypotheses and opinion ; and
remember, especially, that for the effi
cient management of your common interests,
in a country so extensive as ours, a Govern
ment of a.s much vigor n is consistent with
the perfect seeuritybf liberty is indispensa
ble. Liberty itself will find in such a Gov
ernment, with powers properly distributed
and adjusted, its surest guardian. It is in
deed, little else than a name, where the
Government is too feeble to withstand the
enterprise of faction, to confine each mem
ber of the society within the limits pic-scribed
by the laws, and to maintain all in the
secure and tranrjuil enjoyment of the rights
of person and property."
Turn we now to Lincoln's journey from
his Western home to assume the Presiden
tial office. War was imminent ; millions of
people were waiting with anxious expecta
tion and an agony of apprehension for words
of widom and assurances of continued peace
and good will while he was emulating the
silliness of a circus clown ! In New York
a young man of tall stature wished to mea
sure height with him. Lincoln replied
"Xo, I have not time to measure height
with you, but if you will bring on your sis-t'-r
I will kiss her." When publicly ques
tional, after the war had commenced, a.s to
its result, he declared that "nobody was
hurt and nothing gcir.g wrong,' while rivers
of blood had already been poured out. His
whole Presidential term was interspersed
and sprinkled with obscenity and garnished
with the low wit of a backwoods politician
and would-be or:icle. His mind never soar
ed above the low and grovelling ; his inspi
ration and statesmanship Avere derived from
"Joe Miller" and "Mrs. Partington's Scrap
Book." He mocked at the people's suffer-
ings and played the uncouth tyrant to the
extent of his ability. j
Washington Lincoln !
oln ! I
1 Disciple, and Judas I
John, the Bclove
Iscariot !
No comparison of names and personages
in either ancient or modern, sacred or pro
fano history could be more odious. The one
the model tor American virtue, patriotism ;
andhoimr; the other the detestation 3TlJ i
abhorrence of every lover of his country j
the one worthy the first place in the affec
tions of his people, through all time ; the
o'.hcr the object of "curses not loud but
dep," and the lasting hatred of a people
whose worst enemy he was !
Take the disgusting photograph away !
L i Crosse Democrat.
A PoruLAU Danish Story. In the vil
lage; of Kbberup, in Funen, lived a very
wealthy farmer, who had gone one day to
Assens with a load of barley ; so one of his '
neighbors, a cottager, asked leave to go
along with him for the sake of fetching
home goods in the empty cart. The farmer
had no objection, so the cottager followed
the cart on foot, and as it was a very hot
day, he pulled off his worsted stockings and
wooden shoes, and stuffed them under the
birley in the back of the cart. It happen
ed to be on Sunday, and they had to pass
close by a church on the road side. The
man got a little way behind the cart, so that
he could see that the minister was in the
puli lit.
It struck him that as the farmer was
driving very slow, he might as well turn in
and hear a bit of a sermon, he could soon
make up to the cart again. 1 le did not like
to go so far into the church that the minis
ter could see him, so he stood inside the
door. The Gospel that day was about the
rich man and the beggar. Just as the trav
eller entered the church, the minister shout
ed out, "But what becajae of the rich
man?'' The Ebbcrup man thought that
the minister was speaking to him, so he
stepped forward and said, "He drove on to
Assens with a load of barley." "2so,"
thundered the minister, "he went to hell."
Mercy on us!" cried the other, running
out of the church, "then I must look after
my shoes and stockings !"
Do it With thy Might. Fortune, sm
cess, fame, position, are never gained but
by piously, determinedly, bravely sticking,
growing, living to a thing till it is fairly ac- j
complishcd. In s-hort, you must carry the
thing through, if you want to be anybody or
anything. No matter if it does cost you the
pleasure of society, the thousand early grat
ifications of life. No matter for these.
Stick to the" thing and carry it through.
Believe you were made for the matter, and
that no one else can do st. Put forth your
whole energies. Stir, wake, electrify your
self, and go forth to the task. Only once
learn to carry a thing through in all its com
pletedncss and proportions and you will be
come a hero. You will think better of your
self, others will think better of you. Of
course they will. The world in its heart ad
mires the stern, determined doer. Drive
right along, then, in whatever you under
take. You'll be successful; never fear.
A country editor, who, with a single
boy, does all the work of his office, says he
does not know how he can phorten his ex
penses unless he cut3 off the boy's legs.
"I'll take the responsibility," as
Jenks said when he held out his arms for
the baby.
A man without a wifo is like a fork
H4V":,f - VT"r
Tlie Editor or llic Vlcksliiirpr
Herald at a Masquerade Hall
Ills own Account.
On account perhaps of the manifold du
ties always pressing upon us, we have never
learned to waltz we have never placed our
arm around a fragile, fairy, fleecy fluctuat
ing form, and whirlgigged around loose, but
at the Grand Masquerade and Fancy Dress
Ball, on last Thursday night, we happened
to express our regrets at this lamentable
deficiency in our education, to a young,
plump, fro.-di, and closely dominoed Injun
Kitl, while we were promenading the vast
hall with the luscius bumpsey-dumpscy.
She sweetly intimated that the hubbub of
such an occasion, when a faux pas would
scarcely be noticed, wa3 the very best time
in the world to learn. We would not ac
knowledge our name if we had backed out
from such an offer, and, as a matter of
course, we shyly requested her to afford us
the sublimely perpendicular pleasure of a
small lesson, merely for the purpose of get
ting acquainted with each other, and giving
us a relish for our victuals at supper. Sweet
and gorgeous aborigine without swearing
she'd ne'er, consented do so. Gently,
delicately, fastidiously and timidly we
placed our arm around her pliant waist
and almost waistcd away. Her long, raven
locks tickled our elbow. Thousands of mil
lions of spotted beads vibrated and tinkled
around her fairy form, as her bosom rose
and fell to give them melody, like an Medi
an harp upon the heaving sea. Her hand
was in ours as soft as a pussy cat's back, a
she silently watches a mouse hole at the soft
and witching hour of twilight. Her left
f jot was against our right boot. Th" gaudy
leathers upon hor m -ccasins ti-kIod our
manly knees. Our eyes met. Two soft
and melting glances shot out of the holes in
her domino and coming together in the
middle emitted sparks like the R. 1. Lee
rounding to at Williams' wharf boat on a
dark night in the latter part of December.
Music arose with its voluptuous swell and
drew nearer to us and we aroso with our
voluptuous swell and drew nearer unto the
female redman. Her warm breath was up-
oll our fingers and her long raven hair went
flippitv-flop over our shoulder. We had .
not yet waltzed an inch, and we did not care
a Confederate bond if we never moved from
that spot, till the editor of the Yicksburg
Herald joined the Sons of Temperance. j
Wg bapt our ydlmv lock3) nnii imme.
diately the odor of Martha Washington's
. ,in:vp c,r Min 1,v Hardwav k
all respectable druggists. We
bowed low our editorial head, and whisper
ed in a voice whose dulcet and mellifluous
notes would have melted the heart of a
deputy constable "Gorgeous child of the
forest, whose ance.-tors discovered Colum
bus, would we were a glove upon that hand,
that we might touch that check would we
were a pair of moccasins upon those feet,
that we might caress thy corns would we
were a hank of yarn strung with beads, that
we niirrht encircle that form would we ',
were a long bunch of raven hair, that wc
might flop around that neck would we
were an open barrel of golden syrup, that
thou niisht dip thy linger in us and lick it-
would wc were a coronet, that we might
rest upon that brow would we were a roll
of greenbacks, that we might stay in thy
pocket would we were a brindle dog, that
we might guard thy wigwam would we
wore a big black rooster's tail, that we might
dangle near thy face would wc were an In
dian Chief."
This far we spakcth, and she sighed.
Her ruby lips did part, and she spakcth,
"If you are done wooding up. we'd better
let in, for the music is wasting away." Our
two hearts beat with such responsive throbs,
that a greased case knife could not have en
tered between the throbs. It seemed as if
ten thousand caterpillars were emigrating
up our back, and turtle doves were i icking
meal bran out of our ears. Huge sighs of
the size of a rutabago turnip escaped our
lips; heard murmuring brooks, whispering
boughs, and warbling birds, and tinkling
cow bells, and we floated away on a fleecy
cloud of one hundred dollar greenback bills.
The music ceased, but the Washington Hall
kept on waltzing. The Indian maid sought
her native forests, and we are carried by our
friends to the Tones office, with a cramp in
the bottom of our feet, and our eyes turned
wrong side outwards.
R?cT That modest and blushing specimen
of newspaper nicety, the Madison Union is
nvsnnnsihle for the following "chamber"
"A newly married couple visited that
city, and stopping at a first class hotel, the
bridegroom, in a manner showing his newly
acquired importance in life, called foraroom
the best the house afforded. He didn't
want any common fare, but the best they
had, ami he had the money to foot the bill.
The landlord very pleasantly inquired if he
was not from the country and just married ?
Yes he was from the country, and just mar
rscd. And he wanted the best room in the
house, and he did'nt care a darn for the ex
penses'. "Then" said the landlord, "you
want the bridal chamber!" "Why, yes,"
says thecoutryman, not exactly comprehend
ing the matter, "I guess so at any rate
send it up ; if I don't want it, Sal will."
The English language is speken by
75,000,000 of the human race, including
the "greatest nation in all creation."
fifi? Why is a handsome laced boot like
the father ol' a family ? Becansa H is a
Opera House Uulclmsan and
His TIcKct.
In Chicago dwfc9 a teutonic vender of
lager beer and bretzels, Brockmeyer by
name, genial in disposition, immense of
stomach, careful of money by nature, unsus
pecting at heart, but yet liable to severe ex
citement at times. When the Opera House
drawing came off he remained firm at his
post of danger and gracefully handed out
glasses of his ainber colored beverage, two
glasses for ten cents. Persons came and
went. Passers by troubled with thirst saw
in his beer much to admire and rushed in
where angels feared to tread, drew their
wallets, left their stamps, slaked their thirst
and hurried on, while Brockmeyer's till
grew rich iu postal.
A man passed that way who was poor.
He was a newspaper man, we reckon. He
was dry, but had not the keynote to lager
in his pocket. He thirsted for beverage
he rushed in like one from Bull Run battle
fields and gasped
"You drew it; you drew it; the Opera
House is yours! You are the lucky Dutch
man. The crowd at the Opera House is
cheering for you !"
"Mein gott in Himmel ; das is so; take
some lager peer," and the excited teuton
drew a pitcher full, shoved it to the face of
the novelist, idioutcd "Mein Gott; mein
Gott ; I've drawed der Opera Ouse ; drinks
all ter lager peer in dis blace fur 1 moves
derc right awaj ;" jumped over a chair,
knocked a coal stove endwise and minus hat
or coat rushed to the Opera House.
The man quenched his thirst from the
pitcher ; the crowd (outside seeing the teu
ton running like mad, thought murder most had becu committed; ru.-hed in, learn
ed the news, shouted to others, the seller of
Dutchman stood behind the bar and with
liberal hand dispensed beer, bretzels, bolo
gnas, cigars, etc., and dispensed with the
stamps therefor, till the crowd became so
large he was tired out, when he left, and
others helped the new comers at the ex
pense of the man who bad drawn the. Opera
But soon Lin len saw another sight his
lager rolling rapidly ! With a howl, a yell,
a bound and a club there burst in upon the
crowd, poor Broeknieyer. And this was his
cause of complaint
"Mein Gott! Gott tam 1 Gloaroutyou
umbugs ! Out. Nixcum arouse out of
das! I preak mine head over de stick of
d;lt tam y;ankco vot rnates lnc Jat lie unii
loose my lager peer ! Rouse mit im ! I no
draw Onera ()u. I no draw notink. Oh
you tam rascall ! who preaks mine head mit
his stick who make told me dat tam um
pug rouse mit all of you. I no draw Op
era Ousc I no draw notink I no have
lucky ticket by tam I have no ticket for
notink, und by tam I preak my head mit
de sto-mack of dat Yankee umbug vot dells
me das tam lie ! Rouse mit you !"
And with his club he soon cleard the
premises, to find nary a cigar, nor a bologna,
nor a brctzel, nor a drop of lager beer, nor
a lucky ticket. Then he locked ibe doors,
and went talking to himself, fixing up things,
shaking up empty kegs and bottles, looking
into drawers and boxes to find but vanity
and emptiness I Those who saw him say
that he looked sick, disconsolate, as he had
occasion to damn those who had been there
since he had been gone. Late in the day
he was sitting outside his saloon, the door
locked. looking for the man who made dat
umbug, and telling those who stopped to
condole with him "Yes, by tam, dis Che
cago i.s ter tyfil. Dey draw me no Opera
Ousc, but dey draw my lager peer as cost
me more as two hundred tollars! Dey eats
up mine cigars, dey schmoke my pretzels,
und dat tnm rascall vot makes me dat story
gootnes dis vay, I tinks I be so sick mit
mad I do notinh, by tam !" La Crosse
Democra t.
Who Kiu.r.n Abf.l. "My little boy,"
a.-ked a Sunday School teacher of a new
scholar, the other Sunday, "can you tell me
who killed Abel?"
1 cs ma am.
"Well, now, my little dear, don't be afraid.
Who killed Abel"?"
"The rebels."
"Oh, no, Johnny," remonstrated the good
"We arc not talking about that. Don't
you know who killed Abel?"
"Yes ma'am, tho rebels," insisted the
"No. no, my child, Cain killed Abel.
Now remember, think of sugarcane. I am
going to ask you about it next Sunday.
Think of sugar cane.
The next Sunday came, and the boy was
again catechised.
"Well, ma'am. Must I tell?"
-Certainly, my dear. Who killed Abel ?' '
The teacher curflumcxed. '
E?3X- An afflicted editor out West com
plaining that he could not sleep, summed up
the causes : A wailing babe seventeen
months old a dog howling under the win
dow cat in the alley colored serenade at a
shanty over the way a toothache a white
swelling his wife discoursing on the rights
of woman and the tyranny of man and the
"devil" wlvistling an extemporaneous tune
over in the room above."
fits?" At an evening party, Foot, the hu
morist, was reminded by the master of the
house that lm handkerchief was hanging
out from his coat pocket, "I thank you sir,"
said the humorist, as he thrust the embroi
dered cambric out of eight, "you know the
A 3Iclaiicv0iy Tragedy. -
The JTormiffo, publid in the town of '
Las Tunas, has the following paragraph : ,
"A young man named Rodriguez,
eighteen years of age, ton ,ery much in
fatuated with his cousin AdeVvae
barely, completed her nlteetb. ye:ir. Qj
,imsimas nigiit. m; ewie "- "uinej:i;u.ii
of her parents, and carried her to & iitt0
hut about six miles distant The following
day the young lady's father, who had been
searching for them, found them and carried
them home. When they arrived, about
nightfall, and while the father left theni for
a moment to put up his horses, the young
man proposed to the young lady that they
should run away again, which she refused
to do, when he suddenly drew a knife and
stabbed her in the" abdomen, exclaiming :
'with your father I will not have you,' after
which he stabbed himself in the abdomen,
and fearful that his wound would not
prove latal, inflicted another by drawing a
knife across his throat, from which he died
immediately. The young girl, wounded as
she wa., tried to prevent him, but unsuc
cessfully, and both were found on the floor
covered with blood, clasped in each others
arms. After forty hours of horrible suffer
ing the young lady departed this life, and
was hurried along side of her lover."
An Unfortunate Stranger. "Can you
tell me," said a stranger to a gentleman in
a ball-room, "who that lady is near the sec
ond window that very plain looking lady?"
"That is my sister, sir," replied the per
son addressed, with a very formidable look.
"Xo, no, I don't mean her," said the un
fortunate interrogator, "I mean that ugly
woman leaning against the piano ; there's
about as much expression in her face as in a
bowl of bonny clabber."
"That, sir, is my wife."
"No, no," gasped the miserable stranger,
the perspiration starting from every pore.
"Good gracious ! I wish I could make you
understand me ! I mean that blear-eyed ob
ject in the pink silk, the one so awful home
ly. I should be afraid she would splinter a
looking-glass by looking into it. There, she
is looking at us now."
"That, sir," said the gentleman with fierce
calmness, "is my eldest daughter."
The stranger darted from the room and
cleared the premises as though he had been
struck with a presentiment that a powder
magazine was going to explode in that room
ia less than three seconds.
Don't Stand Still. If you do you will
! be run over. Motion, action Progress
these are the words that now fill the vault of
heaven with their stirring demands and make
humanity's heart pulsate with a stronger
bound. Advance, Or stand aside; do not
block up the way and hinder the career of
others ; there is too much to do now to al
low of inaction anywhere or in any one.
There is something for all to do ; the world
is becoming more and more and more known ;
wider in magnitude ; closer in interest ; moro
loving and eventfgl than the old. Not in
deeds of daring, not in the ensanguined
field, not in chains and terrors, but in blood
and tears, and gloom, but in the leaping,
vivifying, evhilaratineirnpulses of a better
birth of the soul. Reader, are you doing
your part in this work ?
W orrying Him. One Morning during
the late war, an officer riding through the
woods of North Alabama, was attracted by
a tall, lank countryman, who seemed to be
using his best endeavors to reach the top of
a large hickory tree. Scarcely had he gain
ed the summit, when rapidly decending, he
started up another one a few j-ards further
off. This strange proceeding was continued
at least a dozen times, the countryman climb
ing and descending one tree after another
for nearly a quarter of a mile. The officer,
at legth overtaking him, inquired the cause
of his eccentric gyrations. "Wall, stran
ger, " he answered, "I was lyin' asleep un
der yon hickory, when a darned sqirrcl drop
ped a shell-bark into my eye. I'm goin' to
worry him till he leaves the settlement, if I
die in the attempt."
The head of tho Dutch telegraph system
in the Ea-t Indies reports that, notwithstand.
ing great hindcrance from the natives, he
has succeeded in establishing 14S miles of
telegraph in Sumatra, in the interior of
which island he is now working. It will
not be very long before Batavia is telegraph
ically connected with Singapore.
t&2 Two students met a hostler, and
told the fellow they would prove him to be
a horse or ass. "Well," said the hostler. "
"I can prove your saddle to be a mule,"
"How can that be?" "Because," said the
hostler, "It is something between an ass and
a horse."
fT Another mystery is solved. The man
who "struck Billy Patterson" has been found.
His name is Smithcrs, anl he keeps a tav
ern in Mercer street, New York.
Fremont has five men and a wheel-barrow
at work on the South Branch Railroad in
Missouri. Xnexchange says he will put it
through it he ruins the wheel-barrow.
SZ$ The Ladies May their virtues ex
ceed even the magnitude of their skirts,
while their faults are still smaller than their
IS "Be content with what you have,",
as the rat said to the trap when he left hil
tail in it.
A scribbler says life is too fchort (9
drink poor whisky, or to make love to aa
wrlv woman.