Columbia democrat and star of the north. (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1867, February 20, 1867, Image 1
nn rr H TRUTH AND RIGHT GOD AND OUR COUNTRY- Two Dollars per Aunum in Advance. JACOBT & SHCaiAN Publishers. BLOOMSBURG, COLUMBIA CO., PA., WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 20, 1867. r ..! VOL. L NO- 52. VOL. XXX- i " AND STAR OF MB A OGRAT H V J1-LJJ V . -4. 5 - mm,'ff 1 J v i i J? OFFICERS OF COL.LJIIIIA CO. Fresident Judge Hon. William Elwell. Associate J udges-- pT Ilerbein. Proth'y an J Ok of Courts J esse Coleman. Register and Recorder John G. Freeze. Regist ( Allen Mann, Commissioners John F. Fowler, I Montgomery Cole. Sheriff Samuel Snyder. Treasurer John J. Stiles. 1 Daniel Snyder, L. B Rupert, John P. IIannon. "Commissioner's Clerk Wpi. Krickbaum. Commissioner's Attorney E. II. Little. Mercantile Appraiser Capt. Geo. W. Utt. County Surveyor Isaac A. Dewitt. . District Attorney Milton M. Traugh. Coroner Will am J. Ikeler. County Superintendent Chas. G. Barkley, Assessor Internal Revenue K. F. Clark. . f John Thomas, Assistant Assessor S. i. I'lemcr, J. II. Ikeler, J. S. Woods. Collector Benjamin b Ilartman. N EW STOVE AND TIN SHOP. OS MA IV STREET, (NEARLY OPPOSITE MILLERS STORE,; Kl.OO.USLURT, PA. THE undersigned has j-isl Sited up. an J opened, his new STOVE A? I) TIi SHOP, in thi plaeo. whre li is prepared lu make up new T WARR nf ill kinds in bin line, and An repair ibg with Beanies and disp-ilib, upon the nni rea sonable term. Ileafso keep on ha ml STOVES of various patterns and style, winch lie will sell upon terms to suit oiircha?r. Uie niu. oil. He is a gnoi mechanic, and de serving of il u'lb'ic putrouagw. JACOB METZ. Bloomsbnr;. Sept. 9. lSt:6. ly. EW HAIR DRESSING SALOON. A New Hair Cuitins, Stiavin. and Dyins Saloon, has been opened in the renr of Hun-br?e r'j T-iUae-co Store, CloomnburC. where all kinds of work in the barberin; line wl l be neatly and promptly at tended to Heine "U the sau.e mil of the street with all the lintels, them is no m-ed of crossing thu street, through the m id, to gut to the xhop. Hair work manufactured to ordi-r. Ladies wishine their hair dressed in Water fal . or otherwise, with or without crimp, will be atleuded to by a lady, in separata apartiunts. Cy Reuieinher the place. Main Street, rear of tluasberger's Tobacco Store. ov.'J8, leuti. -KSPiV,' TKIi, Epy, Co lu ' Pa. The nnderiined hnvin- become si v - fictor nl hi well known and conveniently locals! stand, respectfully informs hi friend, and the public in general, that he bas put hi hue in complete order lor the acroinuindatioii of boarders, and for the recep tion and eutertaiiiuient of iravi-liers who may feel disposed to favar it with I hew cn.'tom. Nn expense- has been spared in pre panne, tins lintel for th enter turn men I of ruets, and tiffining- shall be wanting, on hia p .rt. to minister to their personal comfort. The location, as well us the building, is a rood one, and all togethei is amply arranged to please the public. - IriUAEL. MUMEY. Espy. April 11, lbV. if. pLASTEIl FOP. SALU The undersigned is about fitting np attbePENN FL'RVACB MII.IS, and will oer to the public ONE HUNDRED IONS BEST lTOTia Scotia While Plaster. prepared ready for ne in quantities to suit purchas era, at any time from the first of March next J. S. Mc.VIXCU. Catawissa, Jan. 2H, 1867. Ji 00T AND SHOE SHOP. OSCAR R G1RTOX, Respectfully informs the public that ho is now'pre pared to-uiunufacture all kinds of fa BOOTS AND SHOES, at the L 0 WEST Possible Prices ; -at short notice and in the very best and latest strict Sir. Girloii, (as is well-known in Klooiiishnrc.) ha had many years of suceexsfiil experi' nee wuh a rep ntstion for good work, inle;riiy and honorable deal ing unsurpassed. VJt Place f busiuosa on South East' Corner of Blain and Iron streets, over 1. K.Girton'a Hlore. Bloomsburg. Oct. 10, Ir'trfi. 2m GEO. W. MArGER, Proprietor. The above well-known hotel has recently under gone radical changes in its internal arrangement., and its proprietor announies to his former eutom and the travelling public that hi accommodation for the comfort of bis guests 'are second to none in the country. His table, will always be found sup plied, not onlj with substantial food, but with al the delicacies of the sea.-uu. Hi wine and li'iuort (except Mat popular beverage known as Mclemrf,' purchased direct frosa the importing bouses, are en tire' y pure, and free frcm all poisonous drugs. He is thankful for a lioeral patronage in the past, and wiil continue to deserve it sn the future. GEOIiGc, VV. MAUGEB. Jund 13. 130G. tf. M ACHINE AND BEPAIIt SHOP. THE nndersirned would most respectfully an nounce to the public general!, that he is prepared" to exeent.; all kinds of M ACII IN R V, at JO.-tl'H SUArE5S' FOUNDRY. in Bloouishur?. where he can always be found ready to do all kinds of repair ing, including Threshing Ma hines, and in ?hort. all kinds ol Farmins Utensils- ALrt . TtJRVINU AN'O FITING Ur OP CASTING AND MACHINERY, done on short notice, in a rood workman!-,, uiau ner, upon the most reasonable IXVEXTORS OFFICES. D'EPINEUIL EVANS, Civil Engineers and Patent Solicitors. So. 435 WALNUT BTRtKT-. Phi.aielphia. - PATENTS solicited Consultations on Engineering Draughting and Sketches, Models and Machinery f all kinds vadb and skll'ullv attended to. Special attention given to REJECTED CASES and INTER FERENCES. Authentic Copies of all Documents (cam Patent Office procured. M. B. Save yoarsLlves useless trouble and trav eling expenses.as there is no actuai ueed for person, ai interview with us. All business with these orti ces caa be transacted in writing. For further inor. . roation direct as above, with stamp enclosed furCir ' cnlar with reierences. A prU 18, 180d. ly. J W. FALLON HOUSE. TTfV. subscriber having purchased th "Fallon Bouse," ia LOCK IIAVKIV, P.i , property of E. W. Big on y. Esq., wooM say to tha friends of the House, bis acquaintances, and In pub lic generally, that he intends to "keep a Hunt, with the accommodations and comforts of a Hoosa, aad humbly solicits their patronage. J. OTTENKIRK. Late of the Madison House. Pb lladelphia. Lock Haven. Dec 6. 1306. DMISISTEATOB'S X0T1CE. ".-;33, M1 ,J"V"! "fcrtene. lU)J omjaej,,, a, foreman !n l f the shop of Iwis II. Mans of tins plaee. for over J ",e yI', Warrants hnn in ay Ins that ho ean give I y5 '""re aatlsfaction tQ all W0J mav favor him with iKf Work. I UbUklifi UAWLai, f BlOom.burg, Nov. 21. 1SCS. Estate of Leah Poh&, late of Caitre Toiai ship, deceased. Letters of administration on the estate of Leah Pohe. late of Centre Township. Columbia County, dec d have bees granted by the Register of said county, to Joseph Pohe, reaiditnf ia the township aad county aforesaid. Ail persona having claims on tha eaLaia axa lequeaiad U present themselves for aarJesient, and those indebted to tha estate will toaaa payment forthwith to the adminiswator. JOSEPH POHE. ( - ? V !"? S. - DEMOCKAT1 AND STAR, PUBLISHKD EVERY WEDNESDAY, IN BLOOMSBURG, PA., BY J ACOBY 8o SHU MAN. TERM.'. ?1 OO in aHvanre. If not paid wilbin SIX MONTHS. 5 rent additional will b chreii. Noimprr iliscnntimieil until all arrearages are paid except at the option or me editor. RATES OF ADVERTISING. 1KH LIKE COKSTITtTTB A SbCARK. One square one or three insertion Every subsequent insertion lei than 13.. space. 1st. 2m. 3m. Oh, .$1 50 50 It. 3 no 5,o0 4.00 fi.tK) 8..W I0,o WOO 6.00 9,00 I'.HO I 4,00 la. on 30,00 10 uo 14.110 I.? 00 lrt.oo 8.00 20 00 30 00 12.00 ltf.00 50.11,) Executor's and Administrator's No lice. 3.00 Auditor's Notice 2.50 Other advertisements inserted according to special eonlr.m. Ilusiness notices, without advertisement, twenty, certs per line. Transient advertisements payable in aJnce all others due alter the first insertion. y OFFICE In Shive's Block, Corner of Main and Iron streets. Address, J ACOBY SIIUM A V. tiloomsburg. Columbia County, Pa. YOl'.(; G 11 131 ES. BY B. P. SIIILLABER. Old Grimes is dead that good old man, We ne'er h;i!I see him more ; But he has left a son who bears The name that old Grimes bore. lie wears a coat of latest cut, lILs hat is new and gay; He cannot bear to view distress, So he turns from it away. His pants arc gaiters fitting snu O'er patent leather shoes; His hair is by a barber curled He smokes cigars and chews. A chain of massive gold is borne Above his flahy vest ; His clothes are better every day Thau were old GrHc .best. In Fafhion's conrt'Ss. - nt walks, Where he delight dX ?d ; His hands are white ry soft, But softer is his het He's six feet tall no post more straight, His teeth are pearly white; Iu habits he is sometimes loose, And sometimes very tight. His manners arc of sweetest Tace, His voice of softest tone ; His diamond pin's the very one That old Ohiaies used to own. His moustache adorns his face, Hi3 neck a scarf of blue; He sometimes goes to church for change, And sleeps in Grimes's pew. He sports the latest "cab" in town, Is always quick to bet ; lie never knows who's President, But thinks " Old Tip" 'a iu yct. He has drank wines of every kind, And liquors cold and hot ; Young Grimes, in short, is just that sort Of man old Grimes was not. Ail Elementary C'alcclilsiii. It is tearful to relate how many persons rush into matrimony totally unprepared for the awful change that await3 them. A man may take a wife at twenty-one, before he knows the difference between a chip or leg horn. "We would no more grant a license to anybody simply because he is of age, than a license on that ground only to practice as an apothecary. Husbands ought to be edu cated. Wc would like the following ques tions put to young, inexperienced persons about to marry : Are j-o'u aware, sir, of the price of coal and candles? How far will a leg of mutton go in a small familj' ? How much dearer, now, is silver than Britannia ? Declare if yon can, rash youth, the sum per annum that chemisetts, pelerines, or cardinals, bonnets, veils, crapes, ribbons, flowers, gloves, cuffs, and collars would come to in a lump. If unable to answer these inquiries, we would say to him; "Go back to school." He that would be a husband should also un dergo Jraining. physical and nicral. He should be further examiucd thu.s ; Can yne. rea or -write amid the bqUo of a nursery ? Can you wait any given "time for break fast? Can you maintain your serenity during a washing day ? Qin you cut your old friends ? Can you stand being contradicted in the face of all reason ? .Can you keep your temper when you are not listened to ? Can you do wbat you are told without being told why? In one word, young man, have you the patience of Job? If you can lay your hand upon your heart and answer "yc" ke yur license and marry not else. Pass Him Around. Old John Kawalt deserves to have his name mentioned in every Democratic paper in the country. May the old veteran live to celebrate the 100th anniversary of hia birthday. The Canton Register says of him. "One day latweek, Jodin Rawalt, of Joshua Township, and for many years a citizen of this county, now eighty-six years of age, cut down the trees, chopped and corded a cord of hickory wood. He has forty grand-children, and seventy great grand-children, and to-day can bear more exposure and hardship, we ven ture to say, than any of them. He is a life long Democrat, having voted for Jefferson for President, and voted the t straight Dem ocratic ticket ever since. Last fall he walk ed four miles to cast hi vote for the Demo-cntitickct." One square, 8.00 Two squares, 3.0o Three 5,00 Four squares, 6.00 Half roliliiill, 10. Oo One eoluHin. Ij.0 WAS 1 1 1 X GTOX-LI C O . "We can hardly look at it without thinking "cuss words" or invoking a healthy-sized "damn" on the scoundrel whose fiendish brain conceived or whose hand executed the impious production of a diabolical ingenuity. It lies before us on the editorial desk, among papers and letters, clippings and scissoring?, weighing upon our vision, sick ening our soul like an ugly nightmare chas ing away better thoughts and gentler emo--tions ! It was sent us by a friend, with these words accompanying the gift "Respectfully furnished to the La Crosse Democrat taken by our special artist on the spot" Let us describe it ! A little card picture ! A mass of dark and heavy clouds through an opening in thctr centre, the noble face of Washington, wearing that benign and dig nified look familiar to every American, whether boy or man. There are the pow dered wig, the ruffled fchirt front and cuffs, old-fashioned coat, in his right hand is held a blick ureath, while his left rests on ic7"f Not on a slimy, creeping, loathsome ser pent not on some monstrous creation of invagination not on a gibbering, grimacing devil tcorse than that ! The hand clasps the lean, gaunt, repulsive pictured form of Lincoln the sombre wreath is poised above the mocking brow of the late lamented," who 'shuffled off this mortal coil'' and departed for his eternal home, "wherever that home may be," by way of Ford's Theatre, Washington, and the politeness of one J. "W. Booth ! And the "late lamented 1" The artist has given to his features a sadness and pathos which is simply ridiculous. He looks up into the face of the foremost man of our history, with about as much expression as would be painted on an idiot's face while gazing upof the sudden apparition of an angoL Above the heads of both there is another cloud opening, and a squad of winged be ings are preparing to receive the ill-matched couple with the "honors of war !M Washington ! Lincoln ! A statesman linked with a boor ! A Christian gentleman with an ignorant clown ! A soldier and patriot with a bar-room pol itician ! Purity with obscenity ! Intellect with ignorance ! Light with darkness ! The Father of his Country with its de- L strover ! An illustrious Rebel with an ignoble Loy alist ! Heaven with hell ! Looking at the photographs once more, we see two pictures : "Washington at Valley Forge, the winter quarters of the "Rebel" army in J 777. In huts the poorly-clad and worse-fed rebels, Exposed to the severity of a t Tiib!e winter pass the weary days, yet strong of soul and j brave of heart, trusting in their great lead er! See him at prayer deriving consola tion and hope from on high, for the comfort of the people whose chieftain he is I Lincoln at Antietam, in 18H2 ! He is riding beside the gallant McClellan, over that field but a few days since made pain, fully memorable by the severest battle of the war. Pointing to a spot a short dis tance away, McClellan sadly observed "There we buried eight hundred noble fel lows!" Scarcely bestowing a look upon it, with a levity horribly contrasting with the scene before him, Lincoln remarked '"Mac, did you ever hear Major P. sing 'Old Dan. Tucker?'" The General, touched to the soul with so horrible a profanity of such a place, sorrowfully shook his head. Lincoln called Major 1., riding a few rods in the rear, and insisted upon his singing the song, and it was done ! How do you like the pictures, worship pers of the martyr ? "What do you think of them? Let U3 t"r to the words of the two men placed by an infernal pictorial design in such proximity.. e quote lioin tne l arcwell Address of "Washington : "It is of infinite moment that you should ' properly estimate the immense value of your National Union to your collective and indi vidual happiness ; that you should cherish a cordialj habitual, and immovable attach ment to it ; accustoming yourselves to think and speak of it- as the palladium of your political safety and prosperity ; watching for .U p escrvation with jealous anxiety ; dis countenancing whatever may suggest even a suspicion that it can, in any event, be aban doned ; and indignantly frowning upon the first dawning of every atttempt to alienate any portion of our country from the rest, or to eufeeble thej-acrcd tie3 which now link together the various parts. "The basis of our political system, is the right of the people to make and to alter their constitutions of Government ; but the Constitution which at any time exists, till changed by an explicit and authentic act of the whole people, is sacredly obligatory upon all. The very idea of the power and the right of the people to establish Government, pre-supposes the duty of every individual to obey the established Government. "All obstructions to the execution of the laws, all combinations and associations, under whatever plausible character, with the real design to direct, control, counteract, or awe the regular deliberation and action of the constituted authorities, are destructive to this fundamental principle, and of fatal ten dency. They serve to organize faction, to trive it an artificial and extraordinary force, to rut in the place of the delegated will of . . . .,, A f. - It the nation, tne will or a party, oiien a email but artful and enterprising minority of the community and, according to the alternate triumphs of different parties, to make the nnblic administration the mirror of the ill- concerted and incongruous projects of fac tion, rather than the orean of consistent and wholesome plans, digested by common coon-- "One method of assault may be to effect, in the forms of the Constitution, alterations which will impair the energy of the system, and thus to undermine what cannot be di rectly overthrown. In all the changes to which you may La invited, remember that time and habit are at k& as necessary to fix the true character of Governments as of other human institutions; that experience is the surest standard by whii h to test the real tendency of the existing Constitution of a country ; that facility iu changes, iipon the credit of mere hypothesis and opinion. exposes to perpetual change, from the end lass variety of hypotheses and opinion ; and remember, especially, that for the effi cient management of your common interests, in a country so extensive as ours, a Govern ment of a.s much vigor n is consistent with the perfect seeuritybf liberty is indispensa ble. Liberty itself will find in such a Gov ernment, with powers properly distributed and adjusted, its surest guardian. It is in deed, little else than a name, where the Government is too feeble to withstand the enterprise of faction, to confine each mem ber of the society within the limits pic-scribed by the laws, and to maintain all in the secure and tranrjuil enjoyment of the rights of person and property." Turn we now to Lincoln's journey from his Western home to assume the Presiden tial office. War was imminent ; millions of people were waiting with anxious expecta tion and an agony of apprehension for words of widom and assurances of continued peace and good will while he was emulating the silliness of a circus clown ! In New York a young man of tall stature wished to mea sure height with him. Lincoln replied "Xo, I have not time to measure height with you, but if you will bring on your sis-t'-r I will kiss her." When publicly ques tional, after the war had commenced, a.s to its result, he declared that "nobody was hurt and nothing gcir.g wrong,' while rivers of blood had already been poured out. His whole Presidential term was interspersed and sprinkled with obscenity and garnished with the low wit of a backwoods politician and would-be or:icle. His mind never soar ed above the low and grovelling ; his inspi ration and statesmanship Avere derived from "Joe Miller" and "Mrs. Partington's Scrap Book." He mocked at the people's suffer- ings and played the uncouth tyrant to the extent of his ability. j Washington Lincoln ! oln ! I 1 Disciple, and Judas I John, the Bclove Iscariot ! No comparison of names and personages in either ancient or modern, sacred or pro fano history could be more odious. The one the model tor American virtue, patriotism ; andhoimr; the other the detestation 3TlJ i abhorrence of every lover of his country j the one worthy the first place in the affec tions of his people, through all time ; the o'.hcr the object of "curses not loud but dep," and the lasting hatred of a people whose worst enemy he was ! Take the disgusting photograph away ! L i Crosse Democrat. A PoruLAU Danish Story. In the vil lage; of Kbberup, in Funen, lived a very wealthy farmer, who had gone one day to Assens with a load of barley ; so one of his ' neighbors, a cottager, asked leave to go along with him for the sake of fetching home goods in the empty cart. The farmer had no objection, so the cottager followed the cart on foot, and as it was a very hot day, he pulled off his worsted stockings and wooden shoes, and stuffed them under the birley in the back of the cart. It happen ed to be on Sunday, and they had to pass close by a church on the road side. The man got a little way behind the cart, so that he could see that the minister was in the puli lit. It struck him that as the farmer was driving very slow, he might as well turn in and hear a bit of a sermon, he could soon make up to the cart again. 1 le did not like to go so far into the church that the minis ter could see him, so he stood inside the door. The Gospel that day was about the rich man and the beggar. Just as the trav eller entered the church, the minister shout ed out, "But what becajae of the rich man?'' The Ebbcrup man thought that the minister was speaking to him, so he stepped forward and said, "He drove on to Assens with a load of barley." "2so," thundered the minister, "he went to hell." Mercy on us!" cried the other, running out of the church, "then I must look after my shoes and stockings !" Do it With thy Might. Fortune, sm cess, fame, position, are never gained but by piously, determinedly, bravely sticking, growing, living to a thing till it is fairly ac- j complishcd. In s-hort, you must carry the thing through, if you want to be anybody or anything. No matter if it does cost you the pleasure of society, the thousand early grat ifications of life. No matter for these. Stick to the" thing and carry it through. Believe you were made for the matter, and that no one else can do st. Put forth your whole energies. Stir, wake, electrify your self, and go forth to the task. Only once learn to carry a thing through in all its com pletedncss and proportions and you will be come a hero. You will think better of your self, others will think better of you. Of course they will. The world in its heart ad mires the stern, determined doer. Drive right along, then, in whatever you under take. You'll be successful; never fear. A country editor, who, with a single boy, does all the work of his office, says he does not know how he can phorten his ex penses unless he cut3 off the boy's legs. "I'll take the responsibility," as Jenks said when he held out his arms for the baby. A man without a wifo is like a fork H4V":,f - VT"r A IMX-E WITH AX I.VIL-V. Tlie Editor or llic Vlcksliiirpr Herald at a Masquerade Hall Ills own Account. On account perhaps of the manifold du ties always pressing upon us, we have never learned to waltz we have never placed our arm around a fragile, fairy, fleecy fluctuat ing form, and whirlgigged around loose, but at the Grand Masquerade and Fancy Dress Ball, on last Thursday night, we happened to express our regrets at this lamentable deficiency in our education, to a young, plump, fro.-di, and closely dominoed Injun Kitl, while we were promenading the vast hall with the luscius bumpsey-dumpscy. She sweetly intimated that the hubbub of such an occasion, when a faux pas would scarcely be noticed, wa3 the very best time in the world to learn. We would not ac knowledge our name if we had backed out from such an offer, and, as a matter of course, we shyly requested her to afford us the sublimely perpendicular pleasure of a small lesson, merely for the purpose of get ting acquainted with each other, and giving us a relish for our victuals at supper. Sweet and gorgeous aborigine without swearing she'd ne'er, consented do so. Gently, delicately, fastidiously and timidly we placed our arm around her pliant waist and almost waistcd away. Her long, raven locks tickled our elbow. Thousands of mil lions of spotted beads vibrated and tinkled around her fairy form, as her bosom rose and fell to give them melody, like an Medi an harp upon the heaving sea. Her hand was in ours as soft as a pussy cat's back, a she silently watches a mouse hole at the soft and witching hour of twilight. Her left f jot was against our right boot. Th" gaudy leathers upon hor m -ccasins ti-kIod our manly knees. Our eyes met. Two soft and melting glances shot out of the holes in her domino and coming together in the middle emitted sparks like the R. 1. Lee rounding to at Williams' wharf boat on a dark night in the latter part of December. Music arose with its voluptuous swell and drew nearer to us and we aroso with our voluptuous swell and drew nearer unto the female redman. Her warm breath was up- oll our fingers and her long raven hair went flippitv-flop over our shoulder. We had . ippitv-flop not yet waltzed an inch, and we did not care a Confederate bond if we never moved from that spot, till the editor of the Yicksburg Herald joined the Sons of Temperance. j Wg bapt our ydlmv lock3) nnii imme. diately the odor of Martha Washington's . ,in:vp c,r Min 1,v Hardwav k Co., ana all respectable druggists. We bowed low our editorial head, and whisper ed in a voice whose dulcet and mellifluous notes would have melted the heart of a deputy constable "Gorgeous child of the forest, whose ance.-tors discovered Colum bus, would we were a glove upon that hand, that we might touch that check would we were a pair of moccasins upon those feet, that we might caress thy corns would we were a hank of yarn strung with beads, that we niirrht encircle that form would we ', were a long bunch of raven hair, that wc might flop around that neck would we were an open barrel of golden syrup, that thou niisht dip thy linger in us and lick it- would wc were a coronet, that we might rest upon that brow would we were a roll of greenbacks, that we might stay in thy pocket would we were a brindle dog, that we might guard thy wigwam would we wore a big black rooster's tail, that we might dangle near thy face would wc were an In dian Chief." This far we spakcth, and she sighed. Her ruby lips did part, and she spakcth, "If you are done wooding up. we'd better let in, for the music is wasting away." Our two hearts beat with such responsive throbs, that a greased case knife could not have en tered between the throbs. It seemed as if ten thousand caterpillars were emigrating up our back, and turtle doves were i icking meal bran out of our ears. Huge sighs of the size of a rutabago turnip escaped our lips; heard murmuring brooks, whispering boughs, and warbling birds, and tinkling cow bells, and we floated away on a fleecy cloud of one hundred dollar greenback bills. The music ceased, but the Washington Hall kept on waltzing. The Indian maid sought her native forests, and we are carried by our friends to the Tones office, with a cramp in the bottom of our feet, and our eyes turned wrong side outwards. R?cT That modest and blushing specimen of newspaper nicety, the Madison Union is nvsnnnsihle for the following "chamber" storv: "A newly married couple visited that city, and stopping at a first class hotel, the bridegroom, in a manner showing his newly acquired importance in life, called foraroom the best the house afforded. He didn't want any common fare, but the best they had, ami he had the money to foot the bill. The landlord very pleasantly inquired if he was not from the country and just married ? Yes he was from the country, and just mar rscd. And he wanted the best room in the house, and he did'nt care a darn for the ex penses'. "Then" said the landlord, "you want the bridal chamber!" "Why, yes," says thecoutryman, not exactly comprehend ing the matter, "I guess so at any rate send it up ; if I don't want it, Sal will." The English language is speken by 75,000,000 of the human race, including the "greatest nation in all creation." fifi? Why is a handsome laced boot like the father ol' a family ? Becansa H is a Opera House Uulclmsan and His TIcKct. In Chicago dwfc9 a teutonic vender of lager beer and bretzels, Brockmeyer by name, genial in disposition, immense of stomach, careful of money by nature, unsus pecting at heart, but yet liable to severe ex citement at times. When the Opera House drawing came off he remained firm at his post of danger and gracefully handed out glasses of his ainber colored beverage, two glasses for ten cents. Persons came and went. Passers by troubled with thirst saw in his beer much to admire and rushed in where angels feared to tread, drew their wallets, left their stamps, slaked their thirst and hurried on, while Brockmeyer's till grew rich iu postal. A man passed that way who was poor. He was a newspaper man, we reckon. He was dry, but had not the keynote to lager in his pocket. He thirsted for beverage he rushed in like one from Bull Run battle fields and gasped "You drew it; you drew it; the Opera House is yours! You are the lucky Dutch man. The crowd at the Opera House is cheering for you !" "Mein gott in Himmel ; das is so; take some lager peer," and the excited teuton drew a pitcher full, shoved it to the face of the novelist, idioutcd "Mein Gott; mein Gott ; I've drawed der Opera Ouse ; drinks all ter lager peer in dis blace fur 1 moves derc right awaj ;" jumped over a chair, knocked a coal stove endwise and minus hat or coat rushed to the Opera House. The man quenched his thirst from the pitcher ; the crowd (outside seeing the teu ton running like mad, thought murder most fr.il had becu committed; ru.-hed in, learn ed the news, shouted to others, the seller of Dutchman stood behind the bar and with liberal hand dispensed beer, bretzels, bolo gnas, cigars, etc., and dispensed with the stamps therefor, till the crowd became so large he was tired out, when he left, and others helped the new comers at the ex pense of the man who bad drawn the. Opera House. But soon Lin len saw another sight his lager rolling rapidly ! With a howl, a yell, a bound and a club there burst in upon the crowd, poor Broeknieyer. And this was his cause of complaint "Mein Gott! Gott tam 1 Gloaroutyou umbugs ! Out. Nixcum arouse out of das! I preak mine head over de stick of d;lt tam y;ankco vot rnates lnc Jat lie unii loose my lager peer ! Rouse mit im ! I no draw Onera ()u. I no draw notink. Oh you tam rascall ! who preaks mine head mit his stick who make told me dat tam um pug rouse mit all of you. I no draw Op era Ousc I no draw notink I no have lucky ticket by tam I have no ticket for notink, und by tam I preak my head mit de sto-mack of dat Yankee umbug vot dells me das tam lie ! Rouse mit you !" And with his club he soon cleard the premises, to find nary a cigar, nor a bologna, nor a brctzel, nor a drop of lager beer, nor a lucky ticket. Then he locked ibe doors, and went talking to himself, fixing up things, shaking up empty kegs and bottles, looking into drawers and boxes to find but vanity and emptiness I Those who saw him say that he looked sick, disconsolate, as he had occasion to damn those who had been there since he had been gone. Late in the day he was sitting outside his saloon, the door locked. looking for the man who made dat umbug, and telling those who stopped to condole with him "Yes, by tam, dis Che cago i.s ter tyfil. Dey draw me no Opera Ousc, but dey draw my lager peer as cost me more as two hundred tollars! Dey eats up mine cigars, dey schmoke my pretzels, und dat tnm rascall vot makes me dat story gootnes dis vay, I tinks I be so sick mit mad I do notinh, by tam !" La Crosse Democra t. Who Kiu.r.n Abf.l. "My little boy," a.-ked a Sunday School teacher of a new scholar, the other Sunday, "can you tell me who killed Abel?" 1 cs ma am. "Well, now, my little dear, don't be afraid. Who killed Abel"?" "The rebels." "Oh, no, Johnny," remonstrated the good teacher. "We arc not talking about that. Don't you know who killed Abel?" "Yes ma'am, tho rebels," insisted the scholar. "No. no, my child, Cain killed Abel. Now remember, think of sugarcane. I am going to ask you about it next Sunday. Think of sugar cane. The next Sunday came, and the boy was again catechised. "Well, ma'am. Must I tell?" -Certainly, my dear. Who killed Abel ?' ' "Sorghum." The teacher curflumcxed. ' E?3X- An afflicted editor out West com plaining that he could not sleep, summed up the causes : A wailing babe seventeen months old a dog howling under the win dow cat in the alley colored serenade at a shanty over the way a toothache a white swelling his wife discoursing on the rights of woman and the tyranny of man and the "devil" wlvistling an extemporaneous tune over in the room above." fits?" At an evening party, Foot, the hu morist, was reminded by the master of the house that lm handkerchief was hanging out from his coat pocket, "I thank you sir," said the humorist, as he thrust the embroi dered cambric out of eight, "you know the A 3Iclaiicv0iy Tragedy. - The JTormiffo, publid in the town of ' Las Tunas, has the following paragraph : , "A young man named Rodriguez, eighteen years of age, ton ,ery much in fatuated with his cousin AdeVvae barely, completed her nlteetb. ye:ir. Qj ,imsimas nigiit. m; ewie "- "uinej:i;u.ii of her parents, and carried her to & iitt0 hut about six miles distant The following day the young lady's father, who had been searching for them, found them and carried them home. When they arrived, about nightfall, and while the father left theni for a moment to put up his horses, the young man proposed to the young lady that they should run away again, which she refused to do, when he suddenly drew a knife and stabbed her in the" abdomen, exclaiming : 'with your father I will not have you,' after which he stabbed himself in the abdomen, and fearful that his wound would not prove latal, inflicted another by drawing a knife across his throat, from which he died immediately. The young girl, wounded as she wa., tried to prevent him, but unsuc cessfully, and both were found on the floor covered with blood, clasped in each others arms. After forty hours of horrible suffer ing the young lady departed this life, and was hurried along side of her lover." An Unfortunate Stranger. "Can you tell me," said a stranger to a gentleman in a ball-room, "who that lady is near the sec ond window that very plain looking lady?" "That is my sister, sir," replied the per son addressed, with a very formidable look. "Xo, no, I don't mean her," said the un fortunate interrogator, "I mean that ugly woman leaning against the piano ; there's about as much expression in her face as in a bowl of bonny clabber." "That, sir, is my wife." "No, no," gasped the miserable stranger, the perspiration starting from every pore. "Good gracious ! I wish I could make you understand me ! I mean that blear-eyed ob ject in the pink silk, the one so awful home ly. I should be afraid she would splinter a looking-glass by looking into it. There, she is looking at us now." "That, sir," said the gentleman with fierce calmness, "is my eldest daughter." The stranger darted from the room and cleared the premises as though he had been struck with a presentiment that a powder magazine was going to explode in that room ia less than three seconds. Don't Stand Still. If you do you will ! be run over. Motion, action Progress these are the words that now fill the vault of heaven with their stirring demands and make humanity's heart pulsate with a stronger bound. Advance, Or stand aside; do not block up the way and hinder the career of others ; there is too much to do now to al low of inaction anywhere or in any one. There is something for all to do ; the world is becoming more and more and more known ; wider in magnitude ; closer in interest ; moro loving and eventfgl than the old. Not in deeds of daring, not in the ensanguined field, not in chains and terrors, but in blood and tears, and gloom, but in the leaping, vivifying, evhilaratineirnpulses of a better birth of the soul. Reader, are you doing your part in this work ? W orrying Him. One Morning during the late war, an officer riding through the woods of North Alabama, was attracted by a tall, lank countryman, who seemed to be using his best endeavors to reach the top of a large hickory tree. Scarcely had he gain ed the summit, when rapidly decending, he started up another one a few j-ards further off. This strange proceeding was continued at least a dozen times, the countryman climb ing and descending one tree after another for nearly a quarter of a mile. The officer, at legth overtaking him, inquired the cause of his eccentric gyrations. "Wall, stran ger, " he answered, "I was lyin' asleep un der yon hickory, when a darned sqirrcl drop ped a shell-bark into my eye. I'm goin' to worry him till he leaves the settlement, if I die in the attempt." The head of tho Dutch telegraph system in the Ea-t Indies reports that, notwithstand. ing great hindcrance from the natives, he has succeeded in establishing 14S miles of telegraph in Sumatra, in the interior of which island he is now working. It will not be very long before Batavia is telegraph ically connected with Singapore. t&2 Two students met a hostler, and told the fellow they would prove him to be a horse or ass. "Well," said the hostler. " r "I can prove your saddle to be a mule," "How can that be?" "Because," said the hostler, "It is something between an ass and a horse." fT Another mystery is solved. The man who "struck Billy Patterson" has been found. His name is Smithcrs, anl he keeps a tav ern in Mercer street, New York. Fremont has five men and a wheel-barrow at work on the South Branch Railroad in Missouri. Xnexchange says he will put it through it he ruins the wheel-barrow. SZ$ The Ladies May their virtues ex ceed even the magnitude of their skirts, while their faults are still smaller than their bonnets. IS "Be content with what you have,", as the rat said to the trap when he left hil tail in it. A scribbler says life is too fchort (9 drink poor whisky, or to make love to aa wrlv woman.