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THE COLUMBIA MJUOCRIT.
; 1 i n 1 1 iii
'-' " ' " ' ' ' J ' havo .sworn nfon the Altar of God, eternal liostilliy to every forta at Tyranny over the Mind of Man." Thomas Jefferson
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" PRINTED AND PUBLISIIliD BV H. WEBD " -' '
Volume VIH. BiLOOMSBURG, COLUMBIA COUNTY, PA. SATURDAY, AUGUST 19, 1843. Number 17
OFFICE OF THE DEMOCRAT
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LAZY BILL SMITH.
CHAPTER I.
I don't say that Dill Smith was the lazi
est niaji that evci lived, but ho was decided
ly, the laziest evoi 1 saw. And 1 will ven
ture to say furlhcr.that his match could not
be fpund'in oil Pepperelboro'. There was
where he lived there he lives now.
Well, Bill was a toper for that man.
neve existed who was too lazy to drink.
Or course he was not. one of the real tear
down. and drag out sort; b'ut then ho drank
hard, and was generally boozy 'towards
evening; for he. was too lazy to get drunk
very early in the day.
tOne evening just about two years and
throe months ago, he was very drunk.
The night was cold, the wind blew fiercely
and the. light snow swept, widly "over the
ground, ftri'd atlded terror lo tho howlings of
old Boreas. That night. Bill was full two
miles from his own miserable hovel, snugly
ensconced behjnd some old boxes and bar
rels, in one corner of a filthy rum shop.
How he came there so far from-home" I do
not know, but will guess, that'hc happened
on board soracfarmer's. waggon or sleigh
that passed his house, and was too lazy to
get but till the vehicle stopped at a little
grocery. But at any late, Bill was there,
two full miles from home; tho night was
wild, and the turn seller wanted to shut up
lis groggeiy. .
'Bill you must cleat out,' said the rum
teller.
Bill made no answer.
I say Bill; you must clear out go
home,'
Bill began to snore; bo was sleepy and
tired to boot; he always was.
'Hallo,. Bill I say, come crawl out and
go homo; 'tis most nine o'clock.'.
Wait a while,' said Bill, 'don't bo in a
hurry .thero's nothing gained by hurry
ing.' 'But I must shut up Bill, and go home.
There's nothing doing here, and 1 can't
afford the firewood.'
Bill roused np a little hot much, but a
little, and vinked. Perhaps he would have
said something but just then the door open
ed, and a stranger walked in. He had rode
a long distance; and seeing a light in the
rummy,' had called, to inqiiro how much
farther it was to a public house.
'Just two miles and o half,' said old
boozle, the rum sellci; 'and hero's a chap
that's going o'enamost there lives right on
the road.'
Bill roused np a little more; perhaps
there was a chance to ride, and it would
not do to lose it, After a little more cere
mony, that may bo imagined, and with a
little assistance that Billy actually needed,
the two got inio the sleigh and rodo off.
'I s'pose I livo here,' said Bill, when (ho
sleigh had got a few rods past his house.
The stranger reigned up bis nag and Bill
got out. He had begun to get sober, and
would have thanked tho gentleman for his
ride, but ho was really too lazy,, and so lie
joBtled back slowly to his own door,raised
the latch and went in.
CHAPTER II.
There was rjtrlte a stir in Pepperolboio
the next day. A stranger had come to
town, and it wap pretty generally rumored
that ho was to deliver a tomperance lecture
in tho village school house. Here and thoro
little groups' w,oro gathered togelher.talking
the matter over;forit was indeed something
new to have a temperance lecture there; tho
oldest inhabitant could not remember the
like of it. Bill's appcllte.and an itching to
ascertain who and what the stranger was,
urged him as far as tho tavern, where he
arrived aoout noon. Of course ho madoone
of the group there, who talked about tho
sttanger and his business, though precious
little did he do towards making up the con
versation. 'Are you poing to jine the new pledge
Bill?' asked an old covey.as he entered the
bar Joom.
Bill didn't know exactly what nnswerto
make, and so, tiuo to his nature, lie. made
none at all,
'How is it uncle Simon, continued 'the
same voice, addressing another of tho loun
gers 'are you going tojino tho Thomsoni-
ans to night? they say it's all tho go down
the city.'
'The Thomsoniant?' said uncle
Simon
I don't know they allow steaming it,
i
suppose.
Old Simon was the wit of tho- town, and
of course this sally produced a laugh.
'Not a devil bit,' answerod a square
tigged double brcastoJ fellow, who had
stood in a coiner of the room all the while.
'I've seen 'em and hearn 'era lecture too;
but they don't hold to sleamin' any way, as
know; nor they ain't Thompsonians
neither.'
"What are they Sam?! asked uncla Si-
mart. .
'They are Washvngtonians! said Sam,
'and they don't hold to driukln' a drop of
liquor'
Aforefolks,' added Simon, with empha
sis and hero wis another laugh.
The lecfkrer was there, and in good timo
began his discourse. He dwelt long on the
evil consequences of intemperance, and
among other things showod that it uniform
ly produced laziness the worst kind of la
ziness even a disregard of duties, on the
performance of which depend cloanlincss,
health and happiness.
Bill heard the whole and. winked.
Tho others beard, and looked knowingly
at Bill.
Presently tho Pledge went round, begin
ning with uncle Simon, who was the oldest
man and biggest toper in the house.
I'll sign if Bill Smith will,' said Simon.
'And I too,' said the next; and the next,
and
'But who is Bill Smith?' asked the stran
ger. 'There he sits,' answered ono, pointing
to a seat neartho door; for Bill hid not got
far into the house ho was too lazy.
Tho Pledge was carried to hiui, and be
was requested to sign it.
I can't,' said Bill'l'm tired.
But you must' said the stranger; 'hero
are three more waiting for you to sign.'
iDon't you seo I can't!' answered Bill."
'And besides 'tisnt best lo hurry; there's
nothing got by hurrying. I'm tired.'
Sign Bill,' said uncle Simon; 'sign Bill,
and then make a speech.'
The audience laughed; Bill looked sober;
ho was evidently thinking of something
and this required an effort. I suspect he
was thinking of the lecture and his own
laziness. Presently he spoke.
'I sposo I might sign it and make a
speech too,' he said; 'for though I'm a lit
tle lazy now-a-days, seeing there's nothing
lo do, I used to be as smart as euy fellow
in Pepperelboro.'
'So you was' said Simon; 'now sign the;
Thompsonian Society Bill; end rnako a
speech.'
I guess on the whole I had better wait'
said Bill; 'perhaps soma other timo will do
as well.'
But the stranger insisted for full half an
hour, and strange to say; Bill signed the
Pledge.
And now make a speech' was tho cry"
from every part of tho house. But Bill
wouldn't make a speech that night and the
other topers wouldn't sign tho Fledge till
the speech had been made.
'I'll come here next Tuesday night and
make a good speech' said Bill with moro
energy than ho had displayed for months
before 'if uncle Simon and the rest of you
will come and hear me.'
Agreed, agreed' was heard from all parts
of the house. And then the audience. uis
peised.
chapter in.
'Tis strange what havoc intemperance
will mako of intellect aud ambition. When
William Smith was twenty five years of sgo
ho was considered tho most industrious
intelligent and noble hearted of all the young
men in his native town. He was the pride
of all the circle in which ho moved, .and
bid fair to shine a bright ornament in the
most respectable society. He married a
wife and for a whilo lived happily But
tho seed's of intemperance had been planted
within him, and in ten years from that time
he had become 'Lazy Bill'
Bill Smith went homo that nighf after
the temperance meeting and told his wife
what he had done
'I've signed the total abstinonco pledge
by thunder Kale, hit or miss; and next
Tuesday night I am going to preach on
temperance.'
At first his' wife would not .believe one
word of ii; but the next day the indications
of a change for the better were too strong to
go unnoticed, and she admitted that, 'some
thing must be.in the wind."
The signing of the Pledge dated from
Wednesday, and on Friday Bill did what ho
had not done before for two years; he work
ed all day, mended his windows, put new
shingles on his roofj hauled firewood on his
hand sled, &c. Saturday, Monday, and
Tuesday were similarly spent; and when
the temperance meeting came on Tuesday
evening, he brushed up his old coat, took
his wife by the arm and trudged silently to
the old school house
Tho audience had got there before him,
for every one was anxious to hear what
Lazy Bill could say on the subject often-
oerance. Old Simon had sealed himself
close to thefdesk that he might havo the
better opportunity to play his pranks, and
exercise his powers of ridicule. But when
Smith entered, looking so changed, so noble
so dignified, comparatively, tho old man
crept away abashed, and apparently aston
ished. Can this bo Lazy Bill,' ho mental
ly asked, and tho moro1 he asked the ques
tion tho more he was puzzled to answer it.
Soon Smith commenced.
'Ten yeare ago I was respoctable; in
dustrious and happy. I came in (a this
neighborhood; bought mo a few acres of
of land, built mo a small house.got married,
and went to work. We used lo have social
parties in those times, and Sarah there,
(pointing lo his wife,) snd I used to attend
them. Sarah learned to knit edging and
tell stories, and I learned lo drink wine.
Very soon I began to find myself occasional
ly impatient for tho time of the next party
lo arrive, and when it came, I was equally
impatient to seo tho, wine go round'.
Finally I drank to excess even lo in
toxication at once of these parties; and
from that time, though for a whilo heartily
ashamed of my conduct, I had less of self
respect and more of the appetito for liquor.
1 began to visit tho tavern, andjlhe little rum
shop down there at the other village & with
others of like inclinations and ippetilies, I
spent my time lounging about these grogge
ries;sitlingnow in the sun, now in the shade;
never engaged in any more active business
than whittling a pine stick, or tipping a de.
canter of New England rum. I lost all my
ambition, by degrees became lazy and in
dolent, and you called1 me Lazy Bill, At
first my wife scolded and fretted at my
changed conduct, but this only mado it
worse. Then sho cried anil entreated; but
this had the same ofleot producing 'trou
ble;' and I drank, more rum to Grown, t.(
Drunkards ate sure to find trouble enough
when rum has become its only antidote. I
drank, lost the little property I had accum
ulated, broke the heart of my wife, and
finally became heedless of every thing.
'So I livid along till last Wednesday
night. You know what wo heard then,
and I need not say that I was convinced that
rum had made me 'Lazy Bill,' and caused
all my trouble. I then signed the Pledge,
and till now have kept it inviolate; and,
God helping me, I will never drink anoth
er drop of liquor as long as I live. Already
I begin to feel tho fires of ambition again
in my breast, and to imagine myself a man..
My wifo there is happier, and looks health
ier, and my little boy smiles sweotly when
I lake him in my arms.
'In short, I am a new man, with new
teeiings anu new Hopes, anu now I am go
ing to load a new life regain, if possible
my character and my "property, and bo 'hap
py. And I want my old companions to
go with me. Some of you promised to
sign the Pledge if I would; and as nothing
has befallcn me to discourage that resolution
I liopo you will como up here and redeem
your promises.
There was a pauso for some minutes.
The audi'ence seemed paralyzed with as
tdnishment. Old Simon had been seen to
brush away something that had apparently
escaped from between his eyelids, and .all
were looking to him for somcthihg that
should break the spell of enchantment
Presently he rose, walked up silently to
the desk, took up the pen, and put his
name to the Pledge. Now the people
seemed to breathe freer; and one by one
every person in tho bouse followed bis
example.
CHiPTBR IV.
Five or six months age I was-passing
through the little town of Pepperolboro.anc?
recollecting some of the incidents related
above; bethought me to ascertain whether
Bill had kept his Pledge. I could not then
recollect his sirname, and was obliged to
inquire for 'Lazy Bill.'as of old. Nobody
knew' him, or could tell wherojie lived;
Finally, I called at a house and interiogated
the woman most industriously for the
whereabouts of 'Lazy Bill;' but she knew
nothing of him, and turned to go away
Just then an old gentleman passed tho
house.
'There's old undo Simon Leighton,'said
the woman, 'ana he knows where your
man lives, if any body does.'
I hurried into the street, and soon over
taking uncle Simon,put to him the question
Where does Lazy Bill live?'
Lazy Hull said ho; I 'suppose you
mean William Smith, the carriage manufac
turer;' That's his name,' I replied, 'though I
did not know he was a maker of car
riages. He lives on tho old spot' said Simon,
just where he has lived for twelvo years:
but he don't look much like Lazy Bill
now.'
I hurried on, and soon came to tho place
where; two years before, I had dropped that
miserable being called 'Lazy Bill,' whom
I had taken from ths groggery of the village
below to pilot me to a hotel. The old
hovel had been torn down; and on its silt
stood a pretty white cottage, surrounded
with a yard of flowers, just withering from
the, effects of autumn frosl. Beyond it
was a largo building, which, from the
sounds proceeding from it, I judged to be
tho workshop of Wm. Smith; tho carriage
maker. Thither I bent my steps; and on
inquiring for Mr, Smith; was pointed lo q
noble looking man in tho further end of
the shop, whose manly bearing and healthy
looking countenance were evidence enough
(hat the Pledge had remained unbroken.
On my approach he recognlzod me, shook
my hand heartily, and throwing off" hia
apron, invited me into his house.
We walked in together, and there I
found one of the prettiest and happiest
families I had aver set my eyes upon. Tho
wife, vas U aDiiaatlon on J beauty, fho
oldest boy wis at work in tho shop, but on
learning that it was tho 'stranger' who hud
called, ho came in, and appeared overjoyed,
to soo mo. Our meeting there was a glor
ious onc;and never shall I forget the warm
grasp of tho hand that the father gavo rat
on taking leave of him.
'Tell my old acquaintance at S ,
said he 'that Lazy Bill is now one of the
happiest fellows in Christendom; that hnr
wifo and children aro as gay as larks and
lively as crickets; that his property and his
industry havo come back to him: and belter
than all, that not a drop of liquor is bought
or sold, or drank, in tho, littlo town'
of Pepperelboro.
One of our papers fivies the following.
An amusing incident happened at a baptism
not long since, worth relating. The cer
emony had been administered to all' tho
candidates except one who was a bufcherj
and while tho cleigyman was in the act of
immersing him, a large Newfoundland dog,
belonging to the (former; dashed into tho'
water and seizing his master by the clothes
dragged him to the shore, in spite of liisr
struggles, and tho astonished minister.
Having safely tended his' owner the dog
testified his joy in a way usual with dogs
occasionally casting an angry look, ac
companied by a. growl at tho discomfited
minister, whom ho doubtless thought had
some sinister design against his master:
My dear madam, said a doctor (o his
patient, I am truly gratified to see you yet
in life. At my last visit yesterday, you
ktjow I told you, you had but six hours to
live.' 'Yos,' doctor you did; but I. did'nt
take the does you left me.'--Genias. ,
Grfimmar.A. school master, whiU'
correcting an urchin for using badjanguago
told him to go to the .other end'of the roonV
and speak to one of tho scholars, and that
gramatically or he should bo punished. Oo
going he thus addressed himself to 'tho
scholar. Thomas, there is a common sub
stantive, of the masculine gender, third per
son, singular number, angry mood, who1
sits perched on an eminence at tho other
end of the room, and wishes lo articulate
few sentences with you in the present
tense.' ORIGINAL ANECDOTE.
Hallo you man with a pail and frock,
said a British officers, as he brought his
fiery steed to a stand id front of Governor
Chittenden's dwelling can you inform me
whether his honor tho Governor of Ver
raount resides here?'
He does, was the response of the man-,
still wending his way to tho pigsty '
Is his honor at home? continued the man
of spurs.
Most corlainly,' replied ihe man of the
frock.
Take my horse by the bit then, said Iho
officer, I have buisness lo transact with
your master.
Without a second bidding, tho man doco
as lequestcd and the officer alighted and
made his way up to the door and gave tho
pannel seveial hearty taps with the but of
his whip for be it known, in those days
of Republican simplicity, knockers and
bells, like eervents, were in but little use.
The good dame of tho houso answered tho
summons in persons; and hiving seated tho
officer, and ascertained his desire lo see tho
Governor, departed to inform her busband
of Ihe guesl's arrival, but on ascertaining
lhat the officer had made a hitching post of
her husband, sho immediately relumed and
informed him lhat the Gov. was engaged
in the yard, and could not well wait upon
his honor and his horse at tho same time.
Tho piedicameni of the officer can be bailee
imagined than described-
We havo heard ol a cobler who swalW.'
ed a lapstono, but that feat was a triflo irv
comparion to what the good folks of Ne.y
Orleans are performing. Thero acceding
lo tho Pycnyune, they aro 'fwaUowinir
coblerr ' "
" "$T1 Ml? of