IDgoming jmL- Bemortat.
HARVEY SICKLER, Publisher
VOL. VIII.
it]piling Bfiimcwt.
A Democratic weekly
~ S,'w, the Arte
SIGUIER
Terms—l copy ! year, in advance) 42,00; if
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resrager.-e paid; unless at the option of puMi
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TEN LINKS CONSTITUTE A SQUARE.
"ue p.; ua re one or three {insertions $1.50
tvery subsequent insertion leas than 8 50
KKII-ESTATE, PERSONAL PROPERTY, and GELKHAL
ADVERTISING, as may be agreed upon.
PATENT MEDICINES and other advertisements oy
the column :
One column, 1 year,-- - S6O
Half column, I year--- 35
Third column, 1 year, 25
Fourth column, 1 year, 20
llusiiiess Cat (la of one square or less, per year
with } aper, $8
I EDITORIAL or LOCAL ITFV advertising—with
ut Advertisement— ls cts. per line. Liberal terms
a,ade with permanent advertisers.
EXECUTORS, ADMINISTRATORS and AUDI
rOR'S NOTICES, of the usual length, $2,50
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;[ol'S and LITERARY NOTICES, not of general
merest, one half the regular rates.
I'JF" Advertisements must be handed in br TUES
AV NOON, to insure insertion the same week.
JOB WORK
o r all kinds neatly executed and at prices to suit
the times.
■ll TRANSIENT ADVERTISEMENTS and JOB
4'uRK icust be paid for, when ordered
Business Notices.
R rrrus* nrvtßi. ATTORNEYS, OFFICE
lion Warren Street Tunkhnnnock Pa.
V. E. LITTLE. J. A.SITTSER.
KS. C OOPER, PHYSICIAN A SURGEON
. Newton Centse. Luicrne County Pa.
/ \ I„ PARKISII. ATTORNEY AT LAW.
V'• Offi-e at the Court House, in Tunkhanock
Wyoming Co. Pa.
i I M. M. PIATT, ATTORNEY AT LAW Uf
\ fice in Stark's Brick Block Tioga St., Tunk
inannock, Pa.
P J CHASfc. ATTORNEY AMD COUNSEL
1 LOR AT LAW, Nicholson, Wyoming Co-, Pa
attention given to settlement of dece
ases estates
Ui.'holsnn, Pa. Dee. 5, 18g7—7nl9jl
t t J. WILSOS, ATTORXFY AT LAW, Col
U . lecting and Real Estate Agent. lowa Lands
•'rsale. Seranton, Pa. 39tf.
-rKUIIOI'T A HEWITT, Attorneys' at Law—
V Office, opposite the Bank, Tunkhannoek, Pa.
? M 0-TEKHOL'T. 0. B. DEWITT
i W. IWAIM,PHYSICIAN A SFROEuN,
J. mllattend promptly to all calls in his pro
iion. May be found at bis Office at the Drug
re, or at his residence on Putuian Sreet, formerly
.opted by A. K. I'eekham Esq.
SR. E. F. AVERY'UK
DENTAL OFFICE,
T Hum's Bros., Jewelry Store, Tunkhannoek, Pa.
Ail the various styles of Dental work scientifically
r sr.,l warranted. Particular attention given to ,
lightening irregular or deficient teeth,
hiaminations made, and advice given without j
'rge. Ethereal Spray administered when desired.
rTin administered under direction of a Physi- !
•t. The advantages of employing a local and re- .
o edhle dentist are apparent to all. vln27t. I
Prof. J. Berlinghof.
iasMonoblt Biirbrr & §oir-(£uttrr,
AT TI'NKHANNOCK, PA.
AIR Woven, and Braided, for Switches, or Curled, .
ui Waterfalls of every siie and style, manufactur- j
E 'I order.
Pie highest market prices paid for Ladies' Ilair, J
: il the approved kind* of Hair Restorers and j
•■'•jing constantly kept on hand and sold at Man- j
•< turersret.nl prices,
ii.r and Whiskers colored to every natural '
tile.
JACOB BERLINGHOF.
Tank Pa. Jan. 5, '69. —vSn'id-tf,
PACIFIC HOTEL,
179,1T2, 174 S. 176 Oreenwlch Street.
' eji.K ABOVE tottTLAJtor STREET, NEW YORE.) |
■e un;*rjigned takes pleasure in announcing to |
• umer us iriemls and patrons that from this .
*'•. the charge of the Pacific will bo
$2.50 PER DAY.
Being Sole Proprietor of this house, and therefore j
*'r in the too common exaction or an inordinate l
hr is tuily able to meet the downward tenden- |
t prices without any falling off of service.
*!i row. as heretofore, be his aim to maintain ;
' n.-hed the favorable reputation of the Pacific, )
" it has enjoyed for manv years, as one of the
1 I travelers' hotel*.
•HK TABLE will be bountifully supplied with
of the season.
H b ATTENDANCE will be found efficient and :
' , Voicing.
! HI LOCATION will be tound convenient for!
w "hose business calls them in the lower part of j
' 'v, and of ready access to ail Rail Koad and
**mboat Lines.
JOHN PATTEN.
"10th I'M nIS-6m.
HUFFORD HOUSE.
WYOMING CO., PA
T A U ESTABLISHMENT HAS RECENTLY
een retrted and furnished in the latest style.
,'I tstention will be given to the comfort and
' to "of those who patronize the House.
11, HI'FFORD Proprietor,
Pa., June 17, 1868.—v7n44.
BOLTON HOUSE.
"AHKIsm KG, PKNNA.
•he unicrsigncd having lately purchased the
>• 'V'kEK HOI'SE " property, has already com
<-e-. u h alterations and improvements as will
. ,<f his old and popular House equal, if not sope
aDy Hotel in the City of Harrisburg.
•; j i ,nuanc e of the public patronage is refpect
(lEO. J. BOLTON
WALLS HOTEL,
, {ATE AMERICAN HOUSE,
"<HANNOCK, WYOMING CO„ PA.
P 1 t "®blihnient has recently been refitted an
< .'"""eked in the latest style Every attention
, '• ? 'en to the comfort and convenience of those
' Petite the House.
TIML ® WALL, Owner and Proprietor;
September 11, 1861.
TUNKHANNOCK WYOMING CO., PA., -WEDNESDAY, APRIL 28, 1869.
The new Broom still
new!
t
AND WITH THE NEW YEAR,
Will be used with more nteeping effect than hereto
fore,by large additions from time to time, of Chioce
ann desirable GOODS, at the
NTew Store
OF
C DETRICK,
in S, Stark's Bri:k Block
AT TUNKHANNOCK, PANN'A.
Where can be found, at all times, one of the Largest
and Richest assortments ever offered in this vicinity,
Consisting of
BLACK AND FANCY COL'RD DRESS
SILKS,
FRENCH, ENGLISH and AMERICAN MERINOS.
EMPRESS AND PRINCESS CLOTHS
POPLINS. SERGES, and PAREMETTOS.
BLACK LUSHE AND COLORED
ALPACCAS WOOL. ARMURB. PEKIN
AND MOUSKLIEU DELAINS, INPORTED
AND DOMESTIC GINGHAMS, PRINTS
of Best Manufactures, •
Ladies Cloths and
FURS, SHAWLS, FANCY WOOLEN
GOODS, &C.. LADIES RETICULES,
SHOPPING BAGS and BASKETS.
TRUNKS,VALISES, and TRAVELING
BAGS,
Hosiery Dd Gloves, Ladies' Vests, White
Goods, and Yamkee notions
in endless va
riety.
HO OP SKI RTS A CORSE TTS,
direct from the manufacturers, at greatly
reduced prices.
FLANNELS all Colors and Qualities.
KNIT GOODS,
Cloths,
Cassimcres,
Vestings,
Cottonades,
Sheetings,
Shirtiugs,
Drills.
Denims,
Ticks, Stripes, Ac.
Every Description of
BOOTS A SHOES,
HATS & CAPS.
Paper Hangings, Window Shades, Cur
tains, Curtain Fixtures, Carpets, Oil-
Clotlis,Crockery, Glass and Stoneware.
Tinware,
Made expressly for this trade, and war
raiited to give Satisfaction, at 20 per cent,
cheaper than the usual rates in this section.
HARDWARE A CUTLERY, of all
kinds,
SILVER PLATED WARE,
Paints, Oils, and Painters Materials,
Putty, Window Glass, Ac.
KEROSENE 'OIL,
Chandeliers, .
Lamps,
Lanterns,
Lantern Glares,
Lamp Chimneys,
Shades and
Curuers.
COAL,
ASHTON, h BDL. SALT
FLOI'R,
FEED.
MEAL.
BUTTER,
CHEESE,
LARD,
PORK,
HAMS,
and FISH.
SUGAR.
TEA,
COFFEE
SPICES,
SYRUP, A
MOLASSES,
WOOD A WILLOW WARE,
ROPES, CORDAGE,
PATENT MEDICINES. DRUGS, and DYES,
FLAVORING EXTRACTS, Ac., Ae,
These goods have been selected
with great care to suit the wants of
this community, and will be sold as
heretofore, at the lowest living rates
for cash or exchanged for country
produce at market prices. Thankful
for the past liberal patronage, I shall
endeavor by strict attention to my
business, to merit a continuance ot
the same, and will try to make the
future still more attractive and ben
eficial to customers.
C. DKTKIOK.
- inrtr.
NOTHING AT ALL IN THE PAPER
TO-DAY.
The following is somewluit sarcastic on
that class of discontented, grumbling news
paper readers, who can " never find any
thing in the paper worth reading
Nothing at all In the paper to-day !
Only a murder somewhere or other—
A girl who has put her child away,
Not being a wife as well as a mother.
Or a drunken husband beating a wife,
With the neighbors lying awake to listen ;
Scarce aware he had taken a life,
Till in at the window the dawn-rays glisten.
But that is all In the regular way—
There's nothing at Ail in the paper to-day.
Nothing: st all in the paper to-day !
To be sure there's a woman died of starvation
Fell down In the street—as so many may
In this very prosperous Christian nation.
Or two young girls with some inward grief
Maddened, have plunged Into the inky waters,
Or a father has learnt that his son's a thief—
Or a mother been robbed of one of her daugh
ters—
Things that occur In the regular way—
There's nothing at all In the paper to-day.
There's nothing at all In the paper to-day.
Unless you care about things In the city-
How great rich rogues for their crimes must pay
Through all Oeutility cries out "pity 1"
I.lke the meanest shop boy that robe a till—
There's a case to-day, If I'm not forgetting,
The lad only "borrowed," as such lads will-
To pay some money he lost in betting.
But there's nothing in this that's out of the way
There's nothing at all in the paper to-day.
Nothing at all in the paper to-day—
But the Births and Bankruptcies, Deaths and
Marriages,
But Life's events in the old survey.
With Virtue begging, and Vice ID Carriages ;
And kindly hearts under ermine gowns,
And wicked breasts under hodden-grey,
For goodness not only belongs to clowns.
And o'er others than lords does Sin bear sway.
But what do I read ?—"drowned! wrecked !'• Did
I say
There Was nothing at all in the paper to-day?
"NOTHING ELSE TO DO."
'Twas a pleasant Summer morning, just the day
he'd like t'enjoy,
When he woke and look'd out early, puzzl'd how his
time t'employ;
In such fine and splendid weather, he don't earc for
work, do you ?
So he thought he'd come and see ine, as he'd noth
ing else to do.
Off he started, thro' the meadows, where the dew
beads pearl'd the spray.
And responsive to the song birds, he kept singing
all the way ;
Quite surprised I was to see him come so early here
to woo.
Till he said. "I've just walked over, 'cause I'd noth
ing else to do."
Then we rambled forth together down the lane be
neath the trees.
While so gently stirr'd the shadows of their branch
es in the breeze ;
And when e'er our conversatlor languished for a
word or two, t
Why. of course he vow'd he loved me, ae he'd noth
ing .else to do.
But before the day was over, he'd some how made
up his mind.
That he'd pop the question to me, if to him my heart
inclined;
So he whispered, "Sweet my darling, will you have
me t Yes, or No ;*
"Well," said I, "]>erhape I may, dear, when I've
nothing else to do."
Josh Billings in the Editor's Chair.
HIS ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.
Whip.—You are rite ; mules lives to a
loug age ; I've known them myself to live
one hundred years, and not half tri. You
are rite about there being, sure-footed ; I've
know n them to kick a loy twice in a second
ten foot oph.
Gertrude.—Your inquiry stumps me.—
The morel think on it the morel can't
tell. A7. near az I can rekolek now I think
I don't know. Much mite l>e sed both
ways, and neether way be rite. Upon the
whole, I think I rather think I wud, or I
wouldent, jest as I think best or other
wise.
Plutark.—Y'u're mistaken ; the Shakers
don't marry. If young Shakers fall in luv
tha ar sot to weeding onions, and it cures
them forthwith. I kant tell yu now how
much it dus cost to jiue the Shakers, but I
lelieve the expenze used to l>e inkluding
having yure hair cut and larning how to
danse, about 365.
Sportsman.—Your inquiry is not egzact
ly in mi line, but I haste to repii, as follows,
to wit : The right length to cut oph a
dog's tail has never yet bin fully discover
ed, but is undoubtedly back of his ears,
provided yu git the dog's consent.
N. B. It ain't absolutely necessary the
dog's consent should be in writeing.
Too BOLD. —A gentleman, on his way
from Boston to Vermont, stopped at a tav
ern, where he met an inquisitive country
fellow, who said to him :
"Where have you come from, if I may
be so bold ? "
"Not at all, I come from Boston."
"Where are you going, if I may be so
bold ? "
"Not at all, I am going to Vermont."
"Whom are you going to see there, if I
may be so bold ? "
"I am going to see the widow M."
"Are you a married man, if I may bo so
bold ?"
"I am a widower."
"Are you going to marry the widow M.,
if I may be so bold ? "
"That's too bold."
•'To Speak his Thoughts is Every Freeman's Right."
THE BARONESS AND ROBBERS
In a pretty village near Paris, but a con
siderable distance from the high road, was
Baron R. accustomed to spend the sum
mer. His mansion built on an eminence,
was a spacious building, both within and
without, and exhibited a good style of arch
itecture ; and it was about two hundred pa
ces from the village.
Business obliged the Baron to take a
journey of a few days. His wife, but
twenty years of age, and very beautiful, re
mained at home. He took with him two
of his servants, and two others remained
with the Baroness. No violation of the
public security had ever l>een heard of in
that part of the country, and as the Bar
oness did not belong to the timid portion
of her sex, the idea of danger was far from
entering her mind. The evening after the
Baron's departure, as she was stepping in
to bed, she heard an alarming noise in an
apartment near her chamber. She called
but received no answer ! She was at a loss
to conceive what was the matter, and hast
ily putting on her garments, went to the
door to discover the cause. A horrible
spectacle presented itseif. Her two ser
vants, half naked, were extended lifeless on
the floor. The room was full of strange
looking men ; the Baroness' chambermaid
was kneeling before one of them, and in
stead of the mercy she implored, she re
ceived the fatal stroke. No sooner did the
door open than two barbarians, with drawn
swords, rushed towards it. What woman
or even man would not have been struck
with the utmost terror, and given up life
and everything as lost ? A loud shriek of
despair, a flight of a few paces would prob- ■
ably have been the resort of many. The
Baroness, however, conducted herself in a j
different manner.
"And you have come at last !" exclaim
ed she, in a tone of apparent heartfel joy,
and advancing towards her assailants with
a haste that highly astonished them, they
lowered their uplifted weapons.
"And you have oome at last 1" repeated
she, "snch visitors as I have ofteu wished
to see."
"Wished 1" muttered one of the assas
sins, "what do you mean by that?" But
stay—l'll—"
He had already raised his entlass, but a
eomrade averted the stroke. "Stay a mo
ment brother," said he, "and let us hear
what she would have."
"Nothing but what is pleasure, brave
comrades. You are men after my own
heart, and neither you nor I shall ever re
pent it if you will listen to what I have to
say."
"Speak ! speak !" cried the whole of the
company.
"But be quick !" cried one of the fierc
est, "for we shall not make much ceremo
ny."
"Nevertheless I hope you will grant me
a hearing ; for, although I am the wife of
the richest gentleman in the country, the
wife of the meanest l>eggar cannot be more
unhappy than I am. My husband is one
of the most jealous and niggardly fellows
on earth. I hate him, and it has long been
the fervent wish of my heart to get clear of
his clutches, and at the same time pay off
old scores. All my servants were spies,
and that fellow whose business you have
done so completely, was the worst of all.
I am scarcely twenty-one, and I flatter my-,
self far from leing ugly. If any of you
choose to take me along witli you, I'll ac
company you to the woods or the village
ale-house ; nor shall any of you ever have
cause to repent having spared my life.
You arc in a well stored man; ion ; but it is
impossible that you shouhl be acquainted
with all its secret corners. These I will
now show you, and if I don't make you
richer by six thousand dollars, then serve
me as you did my chambermaid."
Robbers of this kind are certainly vil
lians, but nevertheless they are still men.
The wholly unexpected tenderness of the
Baroness, added to the more than ordinary
beauty of the female, altogether produced
a powerful effect on these men, whose
hands were yet reeking with blood. They
then all stepped aside, and consulted to
gether in low tones for some minutes. The
baroness was left quite alone, but she lie
traved not the least wish to escape.
"Let's dispatch her, and the game will
be all up." She, however, scarcely chang
ed color, for the opposition of the others
did not escape her acute ear.
One who was probably captain of the
banditti now approached her. He asked
twice or thrice whether he might rely on
what she said—whether she actually wish
ed to 1)0 released from the tyranny of her
husband, and to go with them —and wheth
er she was willing to resign herself to one
of them, to himself, for instance, during
the peaceful days they could enjoy. Hav
ing replied in the affirmative to all ques
tions —having not only suffered the warm
embrace of the robber, but returned it—for
what will not necessity excuse ? He at
length said:
"Come along then, and lead us around.
The d—l trust yon ladies of rank ; but we
will venture for once. But let me tell you,
that if you were twice as handsome as you
are, this weapon should cleave your skull
the moment I saw the least disposition to
betray us.' v
"Then it will be safe enough ; and if
this were the only condition of my being
put to death, I should outlive you all, and
even the wandering Jew himself."
The Baroness smiled when she pronounc
ed these words, and hastily caught the
nearest lamp, as if she was as eager as any
one of them to collect the plunder and be
gone. She conducted the company
through every apartment, opened every
door, every drawer, and every chest; assist
ed in the valuables, looking with
the utmost indifference at the mangled
bodies ; speaking with the familiarity of an
old acquaintance to each one of the horri
ble troop, and assisting with lier delicate
hands in the most laborious occupation.
Plate, money and jewels were now col
lected together, and the captain of the
banditti was about giving the order for
marching, when liis destined bride caught
him by the arm.
"Did I not tell you," said she, "that you
should not repent making a frieud of me,
and sparing my life ? You may, indeed,
have everything in places you find open,
but it is a pity you cauuot come to places
that are concealed. What! do you suppose
among coffers so full there are no secret
places ? Look here, and you will be con
vinced to the contrary."
She pointed to a secret spring in the
Barou's desk. They pressed upon it, and
out fell five bags of gold coin.
"Zounds !" cried the leader of the rob
bers, "and I will keep you for this as a
dutchess !"
"An<l perhaps better still," she said,
laughing, "when I show you one thing
more. lam well aware that you must have
spies who informed you of the fifty thous
and francs he received yesterday."
"Where are they ?"
"Oh ! safe enough, under half a dozen
locks and bolts. You would certainly not
have found them and the iron chest had it
not been for me. Come along comrades ;
we have finished above stairs, now we will
see what can be done underneath. Comß
along with me, I say, into the cellar."
The roblwrs followed, but not witTiout
precaution. At the entrance of the cellar,
secured by a strong trap door, a man was
posted as sentinel. The Baroness took not
the slightest notice of this. She conduct
ed the whole troop to a vault, at the fur
ther end of the cellar. She unlocked it,
and in'the corner of the recess stood the
chest she had described.
"Hern," said she, giving the captain the
hunch of keys, "unlock it, and take what
you lind as a wedding gift, if you can ob
tain the consent of your comrades as read
ily as you gained mine."
The robber tried one key after another,
but none would fit. He grew impatient
and the Baroness seemed still more so.
"Ixsiid me them," she said, "I shall find
the way sooner. Indeed, if you do not
make haste, the moruing make overtake
us. Ha ! the reason why neither of us
could unlock it is because I have the wrong
bunch of keys. I will obtain another."
She went up stairs, and presently they
hear her coming down ; but she came slow
ly, as if out of breath with the haste she
had made.
"I've found them !" cried she, at a dis
tance. Then, coming up to within about
three paces of the man who stood at the
entrance of the cellar, she sprang suddenly
at the wretch, who totally unprepared for
such a move, from such a quarter, and
pushing him with all her might, sent him
tumbling to the bottom of the stairs. This
accomplished, she closed the trap door,
bolted it, and thus had the whole company
secured in the cellar. This was the work
of a single moment. In the next she flew
across the court yard, and .with a candle in
her hand set tire to a detached pig sty.
The watchman in a neighboring village,
]>erceiving the flame, instantly gave the
alarm. In a few minutes the inhabitants
were out of their IKHIS, and a crowd of far
mers with their servants, hastened to the
mansion. The Baroness waited for them
in the court yard.
"A few of you will l>e sufficient to put
out this fire and prevent it from spreading.
The remainder of you will provide your
selves with arms, which you will find in
abundance in my huslaind's armory. Post
yourselves at the avenues of the cellar, and
suffer not one of the robbers to escape."
Her directions were obeyed, and not one
of them did escape the punishment due to
his crime.
tey-Choptanks had his wife arrested far
assalting him with a tire-shovel while at his
devotions. It was an aggravated case.
But Mrs. Choptanks asked to be heard, and
she said that little Choppy "didn't dare
give her any of his sass in his talk ; but he
abused her iu his prayers, and on this oc
casion he was on his knees, with a crowd
about the door, gathered there by his hob
lerin' and a calling on the Lord to forgive
this black-hearted woman, "make her tell
the truth, O Lord !" he hollerd, "and make
her quit gaddin' about and 1 ying to the
neighbors," and I couldn't stand it, and
jist took him a swipe with the back of the
shovel, and I'll do it agin.
fc?*"Whv don't vonr father take a new
pai>er," said a man to a little boy whom he
caught pilfering his from his door steps.—
"Cos he sends me to take it," answered the
urchin.
A SPURRING STORY.
_ • -
Many years ago, in England, when trav
elers were wont to jtmrney ho*eobnck
and sleep two in a bed at taverns, the fol
lowing droll incident occurred at Chester :
Two young bloods stopped at the Red
Fox tavern, and while going up to bed late
at night (it being hot weather,) they dis
covered the door of one of the bed-rooms
open. It so happened that a Scotchman
and an Irishman had "kicked the kiver off,"
and one of the latter's legs lay naked and
nearly out of bed.
"I'll have some sport, now," said one of
the bloods to his matt!, "if you will hold
the light a minute."
The candle was held while the young man
weut ia, and taking up one of the Irish
man's (travelers on horseback wore
spurs in those days,) buckled it on the
heel of Paddy's naked foot. He thou gave
Paddy's leg a pinch, and hid himself be
hind the door.
Paddy (though not awakened) drew his
leg suddenly back, and in this way sadly
damaged the Scotchman's naked leg with
the spur.
"The dejjld—nyon," exclaimed Donald,
rubbing his leg ; "an' ef ye dinna gang out
o' bed and cut yer toe nails, I'll soon be
gittin up and throw ye oot th' window, yer
loot 1"
The Irishman slept soundly and soon put
his leg back in its old position, when the
young joker who put on the spur stole up
the second time. In went the leg again,
the spur striking the Scotchman's leg, who
now got into a terrible passion, and began
to pummel Paddy, exclaiming as usual:
"Get oot 'o bed and cut yer toe nails, ye
loot! Do ye fair a Christian mon to stan'
such a rough diggin ? "
This waked up the Irishman, who at that
moment bringing the spur to bear on his
own other leg, vaulted out of bed. Having
procured a light, he looked down at the
spur with the greatest astonishment.
"Bymesowl!" said he, "what a stupid
fool is the hostler of this inn ; sure in' he
tuk off me boots whin I wint to l>ed, an'
has left on one of me spurs. Strange it is
that I didn't notice it."
This explanation being satisfactory to
Donald, harmony was restored, and the au
thor of the mischief sneaked out of the
room to his own nest.
"THAT'S MY WIFE THAT STOPS IN
THIS BOOM WITH ME.
The habitues of one of our favorite hotels
were Tery much amused the other day. A
fresh married couple arrived from the coun
try. The lady was young, plump, pretty,
and although "as pure as snow and as
chaste as ice," yet seems to have conveyed
the idea to certain parties in the house that
she was one of those "who seem not of tlve
earth, but are on it." The husband was an
honest, ingenious chap, and fearfully ver
dant in the way of the world, as will be
seen. The pair hat! been in the house some
twenty hours when the bridegroom walk
ed up to the clerk and remarked, "That's
my wife that stops in the room with me."
"Yes, I suppose so," was the blank reply
of the clerk.
"I just mention it,', continued Mr. Ver
dant, "so you wouldn't think it strange in
me complaining—l never like to find fault,
you know—but we're kinder bothered, and
don't know what to do. We've only been
here since yesterday, and my wife has been
invited to ride three times, and to the min
strel show likewise, and just BOW a slick
looking chap knocked at the door, and
wanted to know if she was alone, and an
other one turtnally inquired if "that coun
tryman she had on her string was gone."
"I've no doubt those men meant well
enough," continued he, "but they are too
doggoned polite for me. Though I s'pose
it's city fashion."
The poor fellow was assured tliat the
"well meaning" young men shonld not an
noy him any further with their politeness,
and he retired, apparently very much grat
ified.—Rode Is law I Argus.
PERSUASIVES TO MATRTMOXY. ' 'Ton
onght to marry."
"Never." '► -
"I know a good girl for you."
"Let me alone."
"She is young." ,
"Then she is sly."
"Beautiful."
"The more dangerous,"
"Of good family."
"Then she is proud."
' 'Tender-hearted."
"Then she is jealons. "
"She has talents."
"To kill me."
"And thousands of dollars."
"I will take lier."
TOPSY'S LAST NAME.— "Mother," asked a
little girl, while readingUnole Tom's Cabin, |
"why don't the book mention Topsy's last
name ? T have tried to find it whenever if
spoke of lier, bet has no*, once spoken of
it."
"Why, she had no other name, child."
"Yee, she had, mother, and T know it."
"What was it?"
"Why. Tnrvv—Topsy Turvy."
"You had better go to bed, my dear," j
■aid the mother. "You axe as bad as your
old grandmother, for she can't say say pork ;
without beans, for the life of her." 1
TERMS, $2.00 Per ANNUM, in Advance
NO. 38.
IBise & j&jjftfow.
A grave error—burying a man alive.
Av"' When is a crowd well preserved ?
•V'hen it is a )>erfet jura.
4*a>~ I'hat in my "impression," as the
printer said when he kissed his sweetheart.
BaiT A lock of hair from a young woman's
In'a<l is often the key to a young man's
heart.
•q?* A chap out West says be cured pal
pitation of the heart by the application of
aiiothci- palpitating heart to the part af
fected.
Btif Me and brudder Haunse and two
odder toga went a hunting von day nei{
week, we trive nine woodchuek into one
stone heap, and we kill ten out of te nine,
for von got in.
faf When a young gentleman kisses a
young lady, sho very naturally says
"Oh, Dick, the idea ! " And he, also re
plies, "Mo, love ; not the eye, dear, but the
oiiKEK, sh-ar." Which is perfectly true.
tkif" A maiden lady, alluding to' her
youthful accomplishments, said tliat at six
months of age she went alone. A malici
ous individual present remarked : "Yes
and you have been going alone ever
since."
&a)** A countryman, who leid never paid
more than twenty-five cent- to ec an ex
hibition. wetft to a city theatre one night
to see the "forty Thieves." Tito ticket
seller charged him seventy-five cents for a
ticket. Passing the pasteboard back, he
quietly remarked, "Keep it mister, I don't
want to see the other thirty-nine," and out
he inarched.
43?* At Bridgeport, a Sunday School
teacher questioned his class last week, in
regard to the origin of Christmas, with the
following result:
"Where was Christ born ?"
"At Bethlehem."
"Where's Bethlehem ? "
"In Judea."
"Wlio first knew that Christ was born ? *
"His mother."
One winter's day looking in at the
window of a picture store. Brown felt some
one at his pocket. As there wan only one
bystander, ho instantly turned around, and
looking bim full in the face, said, "Your
hand, sir, was in my pocket." "Was it,
sir?" the other very calmly replied, "I
really beg ]>ardon, if it was ; bntthe weath
er is so very cold one is glad to put one's
hand anywhere."
tref "Vat's de matter? vat's de matter ?'
exclaimed an old dutclunuu as he tucked up
his apron and ran out of his shop to know
the meaning of a crow d in his neighbor
hood ; "Vat's de matter ? "
"There's a man killed," answered a by
stander.
"Oh, ish dat all ? " said our friend, in
disappointment, "ish dat all ?—shu.sta man
kilt! Humph ! I tough it vash a fight."
A mother was explaining to a di
minutive specimen of juvenile proeocity,
the meaning of a picture represeutating a
number of martyrs which had leen thrown
to some hungry lions. She tried to impress
his infant mind with the terrors of tlio
scene, and thought sire had succeeded,
when suddenly lie cxcluimed : "O, ma !
just look at that poor little lion way be
hind there—lie won't get any !"
In one of our large cities, a short
time ago, a western editor was met by a
friend who, taking him by the hand, ex
claimed :
•'I ami delighted to Bee yon. How long
are you going to stay 'i"
"Why, I think," saiil the editor, "I
shall stay while my money lasts."
"How disappoint*** I am," said tho
friend, "I lioped you was going to stay a
day or two."
Do AS I Do. —A well know n "fast" re
cently entered a bat-room in a city in the
west, wltere he seldom fails to meet some
twenty friends in the smiling "hours." —
With his nsnal heartiness he calls up the
company, who nothing loth, at once
• 'faced the counter."
"Ybn must all do as I do," said the lib
eral one.'
T "Oh, certainly of course," was the
unanimous tvpjy. "What is your's going
to IK- ? "
"I take pure Itraady," was therc
ply. ' *
And then all called for P. B. After
drinking the wag Lid down his fip 011 the
counter, and tlieu immetliately retired,
whispering, in a soft and persuasive tone :
"Do as I do, gentleman."
The party looked at one another with a
coptical stare, until oue, who finally felt
the force of the idea creeping powerfully
through his hair, exclaimed:
"Sold, by Jupiter I"