HARVEY SICKLER, Publisher
VOL. VIII.
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one -juare i.no or three (insertions $1.50
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PAT NT MEDICINES and other advertisements oy
the column :
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Half column, 1 year 35
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? ;** EDITORIAL or LOCAL ITEM advertising— with
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u Je wilh permanent advertisers.
XKCUTORS, ADMINISTRATORS and AUDI
r P.'S NOTICES, of the u.-ual length, $2,50
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*Advertisements must bo banded in bv TUES
IV Ni"v, to insure insertion the same week.
JOB WtIRK
ill kinds neatly executed and at prices to suit
liincs.
U TRANSIENT ADVERTISEMENTS and JOB
"■ dtiv must be paid for, when ordered
business Notices.
I ITliußAHrirSEi. ATTORNEYS. Office
L..n Warren Street Tunkhanuuck Da
W E. LITTLE. J. A. SITTBEK.
jl s.fOOPER, PHYSICIAN A SURGEON
•1. Newton Centre, Luzerne County I'a.
t j L, PAtaWi. ATTORNEY AT LAW.
, i.f; : -,. at the Court House, in Tutikhanoek
■ n:ing Co. Pa.
ii )l. j|. BIATY, ATTORNEY AT LAW Of
' fee in Stark's Brick Block Tioga St., Tunk
- ion k.l'a.
•I t'IIASI,. 'ATTORNEY'AND COI NSLI.
1 LOU AT LAW, Nicholson. Wyoming Co-, Pa
L*;ccial attention given to aetilemcnt of dcce
- < at.ties
Din, Ps. Dee 5, 18i;7 —v'llDyl
\f WIIAOT, ATroNNTT AT LAW. Col
31. leering and Real Estate Agent. lowa Lands
-ile. Seranton, Pa. 331f.
I -rBUHOUT A DEW ITT. Attorneys' at Law—
U e, opposite tho Bank, Tunkhannock. I'a.
M. sTCKIiOUT. G. It. DEWITT
j \> . i;ilO\l)S, PHYSICIAN A SURGEON,
c. uill attend promptly to ail calls in his pro
■ n. May be found at his Offico at the Drug
-re rat bis residence on Putman Sreet, formerly
,c;icl ! y A. K. Feckham K.-q.
11. E. F, AVERY'SMSHk
HEXTAL OFFICE, LRRTRF
r Burn's Bros., Jewelry Store. Tunkhaunock, I'a.
. t various styles of Dental work scientifically
'warranted. Particular attention given to
'•./ atoning irregular or deficient teeth.
- dilations made, and advice given without
•'/ Ethereal spray administered when desire.l.
•in administered under direction of a Physi
l'he advantages of employing a local and re
t.-i' c dentist are apparent to ail. vßn2Tt.
Prof. J. Beriioghof.
iisliioaflblf Barber & fjair-tuttrr,
AT TUNKHANNOCK, PA.
-W -ven ami Braided, far Switches, or Curled,
e t V itcrfalls of every size and style, inanufactur-
U> -rder.
" •' .-best market prices paid for Ladies' Hair.
,-Ui tin-a| proved kinds of Hair Resb.rers and
■ / . oDstanily kept on hand anl sold at Man
-1 'urer-i retail prices.
r 111. I Wlu-ker* colored to every natural
JACOB BERLINGHOF.
; i'.v. Jan. 5, '69. —v8022-tf,
PACIFIC HOTEL,
171. 174 A 176 Greenwich Street.
B i ll Ar.oVECORTI.AXnr STttEET, XEW YORK.)
r .gned lakes pleasure iu annoniicing to
- friendi and patrons that from this
barge of the Pacific will lie
$2.50 PER DAY.
- • Proprietor of this house, and therefore
the too common exaction of an inordinate
' - tully able to meet the downward tenden
witkout any falling off of service.
* i ov, as heretofore, be his aim to maintain
tin-favorable reputation of the Pacific,
' -as enjoyed for many ycars, as one of the
' era' hotels.
, 'AMI-E will bo Lountifully supplied will
-acv of the season.
J ATTENDANCE w ill lie found efficient and
L .. v n/.
- L* " ATION will be found convenient for
"-business calls them in the lower part of
n.e of ready access to ail Bail Road and
• Lines.
JOHN PATTEN.
• " ilfcs. nlB Cm.
[HUFFORD HOUSE.
-->KHAI,'KCCK. WYOMING CO., PA
ESTABLISHMENT HAS REFENTLY !
' ''' 4 I ill I llllnsilii iu the lalc-t sl vle. |
, wiil bo g;icu to the comfort and •
tliosc who patronize the House.
11, HUFEORD Proprietor. 1
I'a., Juae ll } 1:68.—v7n44
BOLTON HOUSE.
! o:l:lsiu;itG, PLNNA.
- e riigned having lately purchased the
'6 lIDI'SE " property, has already com- !
Gieratii.as and improvements as will !
• and popular House equal, if not supe- ,
Hotel in the City of Ilarrisburg.
i of the public patronage is refpeet-
GEO. J. BOLTON
WALL'S HOTEL,
-ATX AMERICAN HOUSE,
H 'HNXOCK, WYOMING CO., PA.
"lis- ■ • I .
' 1 ltuent has recently been rcfitteJ an '
-'o .in the latest style Every attention i
1 1" the comfort and convenience of those :
* •iv liie U u ue.
-WALL, Owner and Proprietor: t
September 11, 1861. I
TUNKHANNOCK WYOMING CO., PA., -WEDNESDAY, APRIL 21. 1869;
The new Broom still
new!
AND WITII TIIK NEW YEAR,
V\ ill Lc usO'l with un>r sweeping effect than liereto
fore,by large addition.* from time to time, of Choice
ann desirable GOODS, at the
NTew Store
OF
C DETRICK,
in S. Stark's Bri;k Block
AT TUNKHANNOCK, PANN'A.
Where can be 'bund, at all tunes, one of the Largest
and Richest assortments ever offered in Ibis vicinity,
Consisting of
i BLACK AND FANCY COL'IID DRESS
SILKS.
FRENCH, ENGLISH and AMERICAN MERINOS,
EMPRESS AND PRINCESS CLOTHS,
POPLINS. SERGES, and PAREMETTOS,
BLACK LUSIIE AND COLORED
ALPACCAS WOOL, ARMURE, PKKIN
AND MODSELIEU DELAINS, INPORTED
AND DOMESTIC GINGHAMS, PRINTS
of Beat Manufactures,
Ladies Cloths and Saequeings,
FURS, SHAWLS, FANCY WOOLEN
GOODS, AC.. LADIES RETICULES,
SHOPPING BAGS and BASKETS.
TRUNKS, VALISES, and TRAVELING
RAGS,
•
Hosiery and Gloves, Ladies' Vests, White
Goods, and Ytimkee notions
in endless va
riety.
II OOP SKI UTS fc CORSETTS,
direct from the manufacturers, at greatly
reduced prices.
FIJANNELS all Colors and Qualities.
KNIT GOODS,
Cloths,
Cassimeres,
Vcslings,
CottonaJes,
Sheetings,
Shirtiug,
Drills.
Denims,
Tick, Stripes, Arc.
Every Description of
BOOTS & SHOES,
HATS & CAPS.
Paper Hangings, Window Shades, Cur
tains, Curtain Fixtures, Carpets, Oil-
Cloths, Crockery, Glass aud Stoneware.
Tinware,
Made expressly for this trade, and war
■ anted to give Satisfaction, at 20 per cent,
cheaper than the usual rates in this section.
HARDWARE CUTLERY, of all
kinds,
SILVER PLATED WARE,
Paints, Oils, and Painters Materials,
Putty, Window Glass, &v.
KEROSENE 'OIL,
Chandeliers,
Lamps,
■ Lanterns,
Lantern Glares,
Lamp Chimneys,
Shades and
Curuers.
COAL,
ASHTON;B BBL. SALT
FLOUR,
FEED.
MEAL.
BUTTER,
CHEESE,
LARD,
PORK.
HAMS, !
and FISH.
SUGAR.
TEA,
COFFEE
SPICES,
SYRUP, A
MOLASSES,
WOOD tV WILLOW WARE,
ROPES, CORDAGE,
PATENT MEDICINES. DRUGS, and DYES,
FLAVORING EXTRACTS, Ac., Ac,
These goods have been selected
with great care to suit the wants of
this community, and will he sold as
heretofore, at the lowest living rates
for cash or exchanged for country
produce at market prices. Thankful
for the past liberal patronage, I shall
endeavor by strict attention to my
business, to merit a continuance of
the same, and will try to make the
future still more attractive and ben
eficial to customers.
C. DETRIOK.
IFDI'TJ.
From the Seranton City Journal.
IF.
BY STELLA OK LACK A U" A N XA.
If the sky were always fair, *
And across Its azure limit.
Never cloud or shadow dare
Float, to darken or to dim It;
If the green were on the grass,
And tho erinsson on the clover,
And the roses.s you pass,
Blush dcUclously all over :
If the birds would alwayg sing—
Oriole, and lark, and linnet ;
If the year were one sweet spring,
With no weary winter in It ;
If the year were one sweet spring—
Listen to me, laughing Haidce !
You would lie the fairest thing
In the landscape, bright or shady ;
With your brown, unbraided hair.
And the sunshine tangled through it;
And your dimples, that ensnare
Moro than all, If but you knew it ;
And a nameless something still
In your eye's magnetic splendor,
Taming my imperious will
Till it loyally surrender.
If. my Haidee, if those eyes
Were a trifle less uncertain—
Hiding, in discreet disguise,
'Neath their whitely-foldcd curtain ;
Now as blue as summer morn—
Now as dark as starless ocean—
Now a hazel, mischicf-born,
Just to keep my pulse in motion ;
If my own could ever tell—
It my heart could e'er discover.
What tho charm, the nameless spell.
Turning common friend to lover !
If a shower of pearls should fall—
Pearls benefitting high-born lady—
• These glad hands would gather all
To enrich you, darling Haidce !
* 'Twere, perhaps, a girlish trick.
Should your dear eyes fall u-dancing
Eyes that strike me dumb and weak
With their variable glancing ;
Haidce ! llaldce ! if I knew--
If my heart could e'er discover,
What the nameless charm in you
Turning common friend to lover !
PUNGENT. —"Did you ever hear tho story
of the Irishman and the horseradish."
. "No, how was it ?"
"Well, seeing it dish of grated horse
radish ou the table, where they had stopped
for dinner, each helped himself largely to
'sauce,' supposing it to he eaten as po
tatoes or squash; and the tirst putting a
knife full into his mouth, jerked his hand
kerchief from his trowsers and commenced
wiping his eyes."
"What troubles you, Jemmy?" inquired
his comrade.
"Sure, and I was thinkin' of my poor
old father's death when he was hung," ho
replied shrewdly.
Presently the other, taking as greedily
of the pungent vegetable, had- sudden use
for the handkerchief, whereas Jemmy as
as coollj- inquired;
"And what troubles yer. Tat?"
"Troth," he replied, "that you was not
hung with your father."
SING AWAY YOUR TROUBLES. —Oh, that
we could put songs under our burdens !
Oh, that we could extract the sense of sor
row by song ! The things would not poi
son so much. Sing in the house. Teach
your children to sing. When troubles
come, go at them with songs. When griefs
arise, sing them down. Lift the voice of
praise against cares. Praise God by sing
ing ; that will lift you above trials of every
sort. Attempt it. They sing in heaven,
and among God's people upon earth, song
is the'appropriate language of Christian
feeling.
THE FAMILY NEWSPAPER. —Franklin re
marked that a man as often gets two dol
lars for the one ho e\p*uds .11 forming his
miud, as he does for a dollar he lays out in
any other way. A man eats a pound of su
gar and it is gone, and tho pleasures he has
enjoyed is ended ; but the information he
gets from a newspaper is treasured up .to
In; enjoyed anew, and to be used whenever
occasion or inclination calls for it. A news
paper is not the wisdom of one man or two
inen ; it is the wisdom of the age and past
ages. A family without a newspaper is a
year behind the times in general informa
tion ; besides they can never think much
nor find much to talk about. And then
there are the little one growing up without
any tasto for reading. Who, then, would
be without a newspaper.
IP').,. Ail Irish soldier, who now and then
indulges in a drop of whisky, was thus ac
costed by the review ing general :
"What makes your nose so red ? "
4 'Plaze your lion or," replied Patrick. "I
always bloosh when I spake to a Giueral
officer."
A LEFT-HANDED COMPLIMENT. —Young la
dy (to Fred, with thin legs)— Fred, I always
admired your courage; I know when I first
laid eyes on you that you were brave to
rashness, Fred (coming lip smiling,) 4 'Oh
don't my dear. Why do you say that ? "
Young lady—"Why any man has courage
wLo can trust himself long at a time on
such legs as yours."
' •
Punch says that women who make
np their faces derive themselves, if they
think by so doing are more likely to
i tempt men to make uf> their minds.
"To Speak his Thoughts is Every Freeman's Right."
A WESTERN COURTSHIP.
Well, you see, alter the "poker" scrape,
me and Sal got along middlin' well for
some time, till I made up my mind to fetch
things to a lied, fur 11 uved her harder and
louder ev'ry day, aud I had an idee she'd a
sneeking kinduess for me, but how to dew
the thing right, pestered meorful. I got some
luve books and red liow fellers got down
upon their marrow bones and talked like
parroots, and the gals they would go inter
a sorterio' stance, and then how they would
gent'ly fall inter the feller's arms—but
sumhow that didn't suit my nootion. I
ask'd inarm how dad courted her —but
she said it had been so long slio'd furgot
all about it.
Unkle Joe allers says marm done all the
courtiu*, and at last made up my mind to
go it blind, for this thing was fairly coin
suming my innerds. So I goes over to her
daddy's and when I got there, I sot like a
fool, flunking how I should begin. Sal
she sed su'thin' was tru'blin' me, and said
she :
"Ain't you sick, Peter ?"
"Yes—no," sez I; "that is, I ain't ezact
lywtiiL" I thought I'd come over to
night," sez I. (That's a mighty purty be
ginnin' anyhow, thinks I,) tried again—
Sal, sez I, and about this time I felt
mighty faintly and oneasy about this aquiz
erinctums.
What ? sez Sal.
Sal sez I agin.
What V sez she.
I'll get to it alter awhile at this lick,
thinks I.
Peter sez she there's .snnitfiin a trublin
you powerful, I know. Its mity wrong for
yu tew keep it from a body for an inucrd
sorrer is a consuming fire.
She sed this, she did the deer sly creeter.
She nocd what was the matter all the time,
but I was gone so fur I didn't see the pint.
At last, I kinder sorter guliped down the
lump as was rising in my throat, and I sez;
Sal does you luv anybody ?
Well sez she, that's dad and mam, and
countin her fingers all the time, with her
eyes sorter shut, like a feller shooting a
gun) and tliar's old Pidc (that were an old
cow of hern ; ) I can't think of anything
else, just now sez she. Now, this were or
ful for a feller in luvc, so arter a while I
tried another shute. Sez I
Sal Tam powerful lonesum to hum, and
sumtimes I think if I only had a purty
wife to luve and tu tidk tue, and to mure
and tu have my lx'in' I should be a tre
mendous feller. With that she
named over all the gals within five miles of
thar, and never wunst cum anigh nam in of
herself, and sod I orter get one of them.
That sorter got my dander up, and so I
hitched my eheer up close to hern, aud
shot my eyes and trebulously sed—Sal, you
are the gal I've been hankering after for a
long time. I luve you all over from the
sole of your bed to the foot of j our crown,
and I don't care who knows it; an if you
say so, we'll be jined together in the holy
bonds of matrimony, e pluribus unum,
world without end ses I; and I felt ]jke I'd
throwed up an allygatur, I felt so relieved.
With that she fetched a sorter scream, and
arter awhile she sez, sez, she—Paster.
What is't it Sally ? sez I.
Yes ! sez she, a hidin' ove her putty face
behind her hands. You may depend upon
it, I felt orful good.
Glory ! Glory sez I. I must hollar Sal,
or I'll bust wide open. Hooray for liooray.
I kin jump over a ten rale fence. I kin do
everything that any feller could, would, or
orter do. With that I sorter sloshed my
self down by her, and clinched the bargain
with a kiss—and such a kiss—talk about
yer sugar—talk about yer merlasses—talk
about yer blaokbery jam—you couldn't
have got me to come nigh em ; they would
all have tasted sour after that. Ef Sal's
dady hadn't hollered out it's time for all
onest folks to be in bed, I do believed I'd
staid thar all nitc. Yer orter to seed me
when 4 got hum. I puled dad outer bed
and hugged him. I puled marm outer bed
and hugged her. I puled Ant Jane outer
bed and hugged her. I puled the nigger
sarvant outer bed and hugged her. J roar
ed, I hollered, I danced about and cut up
more capers than yorl ever heard tell ov,
till dad thot I was crazy and, got a rope to
tie me witfi. Pad, ses I, I'm gwine to got
married.
Married! belloed dad.
Married ! squalled inarm.
Married ! squceked Ant Jane.
Yes, married ! sez I. Married all over ;
jined in wedlock horked on for worser or
better for life and for death, to Sal; lam
that very thing ; me, Peter Spoluni Esq.
With that I up and felled them all about it,
from Alpher to Omegar. They wer all
mity pleased and mity willin' and I was as
proud as a young rooster with his first
spurs.
O, Jcbosifat! didn't I feel tremendous
good, and kept a getting that way all nite.
I didn't sleep a wink but kept rollin about
and a thin kin, till my eup ofjiappincss was
full, pressed down and raunin over.
punctual and methodical in busi
ness, and never procrastinate.
fetfT'erserve against discouragements.
KISS MY WIFE OR FIGHT ME.
There arc few married men who are not
adverse to seeing their wives kissed, but an
exchange relates the particulars of a case
in which the newly married Benedict felt
himself insulted because his wife was not
kissed. The bridegroom in question was a
stalwart young rustic, who was known as a
formidable operator iu a "free fight." His
wife was a beautiful and blooming young
country gill only sixteen years of age, and
the twain were at a party where a number
of young folks were enjoying themselves in
the good old fashioned pawn-playing style.
Every girl in the room was called out and
kissed except the beautiful young bride
aforesaid, and although there was not a
youngster present who was not dying to
taste her lips, they were restrained by the
presence of her herculean husband, who
stood regarding the party with a sullen
look of dissatisfaction. They mistook the
cause, however, for suddenly he expressed
himself. Rolling up his sleeves, he step
ped into the middle of the room ; and in a
tone of voice that marked attention, said :
"Gentlemen, I have been noticing how
things have been working here for some
time, and I ain't half satisfied. I don't
want to raise a fuss ; but—" "What's the
mutter, John ?" inquired half a dozen
voices. ' 'What do you mean ? Have I
done anything to hurt your- feelings ?" —
"les, you have, all of you have hurt my
feelings, and I've just got to say about it ;
here's every girl ih the room being kissed
near a dozen times apiece, and there's my
wife, who I consider as likely as any of
them, has not had a kiss to-night ; and 1
just tell you now, if she don't get as manv
kisses the balance of the night as any gal
in the room, the man that slights her has
got to tight—that's all. Now go ahead
with your plays !" If Mrs. B. was slighted
the rest of the evening we did not know it.
As for ourselves, we know that John had
no fault to find with us, individually, for
any neglect on our part.
DIDN'T LUCE WIDOWERS.—LU endeavor
ing to take the census of the Government,
the officers occasionally meet with such dif
ficulties as well nigh deprive them of their
senses. The following colloquy is said to
have taken place somewhere, between an
officer and an Irish woman :
' 'How many members liavo you in your
family V"
"Niver a one."
' When were you married ?"
"The day Pat Doyle left Tipperary for
America. Ah well 1 mind it. A sunshinier
day never gilded the sky of old Ireland."
"What was the condition of your hus
band before his marriage ?"
"Divil a man more miserable. He said
if I didn't give him a promise within two
weeks he would blow his brains out with a
crowbar."
"Was he, at the time of your marriage, a
widower or a bachelor 1"
"A which ? A widower did you say ?
Ah, now go way with your nonsense. Is it
the likes of me that would take up with a
second hand husband ? All legs and con
sumption, like a sick turkey ? A widower!
May I be blessed if I'd not rather live an
old maid and bring up a family on butter
milk and praties !" •
INTERESTING TO FARMERS. —The Commis
sioner of interal Revenue has decided that
farmers have tio right to have their grain
manufactured into llour in any manner,
without paying a license to the Govern
ment, and if they do, they are liable to the
penalties provided by law. We mention
the fact for the benefit of those who may
be interested in knowing it. Day by day
the people are becoming more and more ac
quainted with the face of the tax collector,
and we are growing more familiar with the
ramifications of the Internal Revenue law.
IST On Wednesday, July 11, 18G9, the
next Democratic State Convention will as
semble at Harrisburg to nominate candi
dates for Governor and Supreme Judge.
The fixing of so late a day by the State
Committee meets with decided approval.
Now give us a first-rate ticket, and Radical
ism, Grantisin and every other ism, will be
ground to powder in October.
At the close of yesterday's labors there re
mained between the rapidly approaching
ends of the Pacific Railroad a gap of only
eighty-two miles. The prophesy that the
Fourth of July, ISG9, would see San Fran
cisco and New York united by rail is thus
seem to lie sure of an easy realization.
SMILES.-— Keep a smile on your counten
ance. Smiles breed dimples, which are more
ornamental than seventy-five cent vest
chains. It is dangerous to sleep in the
same town with the proprietor of a perpetu
al frown. Don't walk around looking as
dismal as a sick undertaker, oras.if you are
going to your wedding or funeral. If you
feel dewn-hearted, avoid laudanum. Take
to clean linen and victuals, and you'll come
out all right.
UNIVERSAL SATISFACTION, —The Radical
press of Pennsylvania is a perfect unit in
favor of the subversion of the Constitution
of Pennsylvania, in order that the negro
may vote and keep them in power.
A HUNDRED YEARS AGO.—A great ranuy
events occur in a hundred years. Within
that time America has leaped forth into tin
astonishing power that it is. One hundred
years ago, says an exchange, there was not
a single white man in Ohio, Kentucky, In
diana and Illinois Territories. Then, what
is now the most flourishing part of Amerioa
was as little known as tho country round
the Mountain of the Moon. It was not un
til 17G9 that the "hunter of Kentucky, the
gallant and adventurous Boone, left his
home in North Carolina, to become the
tirst settler in Kentucky." The first pio
neer in Ohio did not settle uatil twenty
years after this time. A hundred years ago
Canada belonged to France. The whole
population of the United States did not ex
ceed a million and a half of people. A hun
dred years ago the great Frederick of Prus
sia was performing those great exploits
which have made him immortal in military
annals, and with his little monarchy was
sustaining a single handed contest with
Russia, Austria and France —the three
great powers of Europe combined. A hun
dred years ago Napoleon was not born, and
Washington was a young and modest Vir
ginia Colonel, and the great events in the
history of the two worlds, in which these
two great but dissimilar men took leading
parts, were then scarcely forshadowed. A
hundred years ago, tjie United States were
the most loyal part of the British Empire,
and on the political horizon no speck in
dicated the struggle which within a score
of years thereafter established the greatest
Republic in the world. A hundred years
ago, there were but four newspapers in
America ; steam-engines had not been im
agined ; and railways and telegraphs and
telegrams had not entered into the remo
test conception of man. When we come to
look back through the vista of history, we
find that the century that has passed has
been allotted to more important events, in
their bearing upon the happiness of the
world, than to almost any other which has
elapsed since tho creation. A hundred
years hence, what will be the developement ?
It is past finding out, except one thing—
a thought which astonished Xerxes Athos
—all, with but few exceptions, now living
will 1 nyleud!
—
A few evenings since, an Irishman
was riding in one of our city passenger
cars, when tho conductor called for his
ticket, but the passenger was unable to ,
find it.
"What shall I do ?" says Fat.
"Pay me seven cents," says the conduc
tor.
' 'Murther an' ouns, but I did'nt give but
six for the ticket !"
"Can't help that," replied the conductor,
"our fare is seven cents, or a ticket," wliich
sum Pat unwillingly passed over.
Soon after he called the conductor, with
joy beaming on his countenance, and said :
"I've fonnd the divil ; now give me back
my cint and take the ticket."
This was done, much to the amusement
of the passengers, poor Pat not thinking
he was payiDg double fare.
SELLING CRACKERS. —WhiIe iu West
Plattsburg we were told a circumstance
wliich occurred somewhere in New York
too good to be lost. A quick-witted tope
went into a Imrroom anil called for some
thing to drink. "We don't sell liquor,"
said the law-abiding landlord—"we will
give you a glass and then if you want to
buy a cracker we will sell it to you for three
cents."
"Very well," said the Yankee customer
"hand down your decanter."
The "good crature" was handed down,
and our hero took a stiff hom when turn
ing around to depart, the unsuspecting
landlord handed him the dish of crackers
with the remark "you'll buy a cracker?"
"Wall, no, I guess not; you sell 'em to
dear. I can get lots of 'em five or six for a
cent, anywhere else."
Ifeif A lad from the "Green Isle," whose
occupation is that of blackening stoves,
fire-places and stoves-pipes, bearing upon
his arm a pot of blackening, with brushes,
and other implements of his trade, address
ed a citizen of the city, who w as standing at
the door: 4 'Has your honor auy stove to
polish this mora ? lam the boy for that
business." The person addressed not be
ing of a courteous manner, said : "Go
about your business." Pat moved a few
steps on, to be out of the reach of a kick,
and replied : "Your honor would not be
worse for a little polishing yourself, I'm
thinking."
BisP An exchange paper has the follow
ing : "It is said that there are more edi
tors unmarried than any other class of pro
fessional men." For the reason, we sup
pose that the majority of them are men of
fine sentiment, and who do not wish to
starve anybody's sister.
Jl® 04 A country youth came down to town
to see his intended wife, and for a long time
could think of nothing to say. At last, u
great snow falling, he took occasion to tell
her that his father's sheep would be all un
done. "Well," said she, taking him by the
hand, "I'll keep one of them."
TERMS, $2.00 Per ANNUM, in Advance.
NO. 37.
I Pise & fltliertoe.
>Vhat relationship does the tenant
j bear to the landlord ? Pa(y) rental.
tfoj"*" Why is a hen walking across a yard
like a murder ? It is a fowl (foul; proceed
| in tf- •
A\hy did the Israelites not starve in
i the wilderness ? Becauso of the sand which
(sand wiches) is there.
Thin man.—"Boy, what's that hun
j gry looking dog following me for ? "
Insulting boy.—"He thinks you are a
I bone, I reckon !"
tSf A Western editor knows of a little
Sunday School girl, who, being asked by
the catcehiser, "What is the outward vis
ible sign or form in Baptism ? " innocent
ly replied, "I'leas*, sir, the baby."
liz 3" Lord Norbury, having been asked
to contribute a shilling to bury an attorney
who had died poor, exclaimed, "Only a
shilling to bury an attorney ! Here's a
guinea ; go aim bury twenty-one of them !"
fraP The mother of a large family was
one day asked the number of her children :
' 'La, rue ! " she replied, rocking to and
fro, "I've got fourteen, mostly boys ami
girls/"
Jeemes writing to his darling dear
Muttie, piles on the agony thusly: "De
leetablest dear, you are so sweet that honey
would bl sh in your presence, and sorghum
molasses stand appalled!"
-
&S? A raw Jonathan who had been gaz
ing at a garden, in which were several mar
ble statues, exclaimed : "Just see what a
waste. Here's no less than six scarecrows
in this ten foot "patch, and any one of 'em
would keep the crow 3 from a five acre lot."
for ' Towpey,' said a good uatnred gen
tleman to his colored man, "I did not know
till to-day that yon had been whipped last
week."
"Didn't yon, massa ?" replied Pompey.
"I—l know'dit, jist the same timoit occur
red. "
• ft© 0 A crazy man having got into the
gallery of the United States Senate during
a rambling debate, was taken out, the Ser
geant at Arms telling him that he was out
of place in the gallery. "That's so," said
the lunatic, "I ought to be on the floor
among the Senators."
A newly arrived family were lately
gazing at a shop window in Kockford, HI.
Little Girl—"Oh,
Mamma —"No my oflfld, that is a howl."—
Father—"No my wife and daughter, that is
neither a 'en or a howl, but it is a lieagle,
the hemblem of this blarsted country!"
tfe " The following love letter was picked
up in Kokomo, Indiana : "Oh My Derest
Maley i will tri to ancer yure Deer letter.—
O how mi throbin heart Does ake to Em
brace yn onse more. O yn Darlin Rosy
Bud wont yu marry me. I hear the eko
aneer i will. Dont let that ugly thing take
yu a Buggy Ridcn ngin. O how i Felt tho
first time we tntchcd our lipps together.—
O mi hole frame did quiver but i must stop
or i will go crazy. O how we will divide
the sorroi; and joys and comforts of life.
Ancer rite oil' from jour future husband
Gim." ,
SHIP" A loquacious gentleman, findinghim
self a passenger in a coach with a prim and
taciturn maiden lady of some forty winters
tried in vain to engage her in conversation.
At length night came on. As nothing was
said, both fell asleep. The stage finally
stopped, and the driver announced to the
lady that she had arrived at her destination.
Her fellow-passenger being awakened at
the samo time, thought he would exchange
a word at parting, and addressed lier:—
"Madam, as we snail probably never sleep
together again, 1 bid you a respectful fare
well. " A scream— and silence reigned
again.
Ax AQUEOUS FACT.—A correspondent of
tile Philadelphia Transcript tells
the following good story : "I heard fun
ny story the other day. I'm sure it has
never been published, for the incident oc
curred just across the Missouri river from
this place. A couple somewhat advanced
in life, who had for many years been noted
for their profanity, were converted during
a revival of religion in their native place.
Every one interested in the progress of
Christian's religion was rejoiced at the
change. Everything went along smootldy,
and with many other converts, they "went
down to the water" to le baptized. The
day was exceedingly cold. Mr. S
went into the water first, while his wife
watched him. standing upon the bank of
the river. No sooner had the old gentle
man touched dry land than ho startled the
bystanders by calling Mrs. S
in his own peculiar drawling tone :
I "Poll !—P-o-ll!—l—say,—don't go down
I into that nr water—it's colder than hell!"