Wyoming democrat. (Tunkhannock, Wyoming Co., Pa.) 1867-1940, August 26, 1868, Image 1
lipmiiti .iraEL Democrat, HARVEY* SICKLER, Publisher VOL. VIII. fronting fJinwrrai A Democratic weekly .. paper devoted to Poll "Jsjjrjfcl //j cirt News, the Arts /Jj it I Sciences Ac. Pub- 1 jiT, at Tunkhannock JllT Wyoming Couoty, Pa y\ ' V £j|2 o—| ■ 3Y HARV Y SICKLER Tcrnx—l copy 1 year, (in? advance) $2,00 ;if tot paid within six months, *2.50 will be charged NO paper will be DISCONTINUED, until all ar [tar.igejre pail; unless at the option of publisher. RATES OF ADVERTISING TBS LtttßS CONSTITUTE A SQUARE. On? square "lie or ibrea insertions- •-• no 1 Every subsequent insertion less tban 8 t" KRAII E-TATK, PERSONAL PROPKRTV, and GBIIERAL ADVERTISING, as tuav be agreed upon, PITKNT MEDICINES and other advertisements oy the column : One rolumn, 1 year,- 860 Jll If column, 1 year - 35 Third column, 1 year, -5 Fourth column, 1 year, 20 Business Cards of one square or less, per year with paper, S3. ( EDITORIAL or LOCAL ITEM advertising—with 9iit Advertisement —15 els. p*-r line. Liberal terms made with permanent advertisers . EXECUTORS, ADMINISTRATORS and AUDI TOR'S NOTICES, of the u.-ual length, $2,50 OBITU TRIES,- ex?eeding ten lin s, each ; RELI SlOUSand LITERARY NOTICES, not of general nterest, one half tne regular rates. |-JV* Advertisements must be handed in by TCES ir NOON, to insure insertion the same week. JOH WORK f all kinds neatly executed and nt prices to suit Ue times. All TRANSIENT ADVERTISEMENTS and JOB WORK must be paid for, when ordered Business \of ices* iuk W B UTTLB ATTORNEYS AT LAW Office on Tioga Street Tunkhannoek Pa H" S. COOPER. PHYSICIAN * SURGEON • Newton Centre, Luierno County Pa. 1,7 I'd K R I*ll, ATTORNEY AT LAW. • Ofti-e at the Court House, in Tunhhanock Wyoming Co. Pa. _ _ _ U" i M. M. I*l A 11, AiIOKNLI Ai LAW of fice in Stark's Brie k Block Tioga St., Tunk aaanock, Pa rji J CHASI,. ATTORNEY AND COUNS EL JL • LOR AT LAW, Nicholson, Wyoming Co-, Pa L- r ecial attention given to settlement of dece dents estates Nicholson, Pa. Doc 5, 18fi7 —f7Myl Ml. WIIXAK, ATTORNFY" AT LAW, Col # lecting and Real Estate Agent. lowa Lands fr tale. ScramoD, Pa. 38tf. 7 \V, KHOAD*. PHYSICIAN .fc SURGEON, J t will attend promptly to all calls in bis pro fes-.jn. May be initial at hi? Office at the Drug liiare. or at bis resilience on i'utman Sieet, lormerly •ccupied by A. K. Beckham Esq. BENTISTRY. 7SST L*"T 7 DR. L T. BURNS has permanently located in Tunkhannock Borough, and respectfully tenders hit professional services to its citizens. Office on second floor, formerly occupied by Dr. ttihnan. ?6n3Ctf. PORTRAIT, LANDSCAPE, CEIIMTUTIE r* i\r TTivro, Sv It'. HUG Ell, Artist. Booms over the Wyoming Nationa!bsnk,inStark' Block, TUNKHANNOCK, PA. Life-sire Portraits painted from Ambrotypes or holographs Photographs Painted in OilCrlors. — All orders for paintings executed according to or der, or no charge made. \ Instructions given in Drawing, Sketching, Portrait ari l Landscape Painting, in Oil or water Colors, and in all branches of the art, Tunk.. July 31, "fi7 -vgnoO-tf. "HTTFRJdUJ hooset TUNKHANNOCK. WYOMING CO., PA. THIS ESTABLISHMENT HAS RECENTLY been refitted anl furnished in the latest style. Every attention will be given to the comfort and •onvemtnee ot those who patron ire the House. H, lII'FKORD. Proprietor. Tunkhannock, Pa., June 17, 1368 v7n44. BOLTON HOUSE7 HAIUUSm RO, PIGNNA. The undersigned having lately purchased the " BUEIILER HOUSE " property, has already cotn ■enced such alterations and improvements as will render this old and popular House equal, if not supe rior, to any Hotel in the City of Harrisburg. A continuance of the public patronage is refpect fully solicited. GEO. J. BOLTON WALL'S HOTEL, LATE AMERICAN HOUSE/ TUNKHANNOCK, WYOMING CO., PA. THIS establishment has recently been refitted an furnished in the latest style Every attention •nil be given to the comfort and convenience ol those •ho patronize the House. _ . T. B WALL, Owner and Proprietor*. Tunkhannock, September 11. 1861. MEANS' HOTEL. TOWANDA, PA. T>. B- BARTLET, ILateolt- m BRAIWARD HOUSE, KLMIKA, N. Y. PKOPKIETOK, The MEANS HOTEL, i-one of the LARGEST Ml BEST ARRANGED Houses in the country—lt B fitted up in the most modern and improved style nd no pains are spared to make it a pleasautaud agreeable stopping pjace for all, v3u2l-ly. FOR PALE CHEAP, A* JEREMIAH CAMPBELLS', Tui.khaimook P*. TDNKHANNOCK, WYOMING CO., PA.-WEDNESDAY, AUG. 20, 1868. gctritli's Column. Spring Trade for -68 Will open on or about the Ist of May, AT TUNKHANNOCK. PENN'A. O. Detriclt, (srCCBSSOR TO BUNNELL 4 BANNATYNB,) Froposes to establish himself permanently in trade at this place, at the Brick store house in Sam'l Stark's Block, where by fair dealing and fair prices he expects to merit and receive the pnblic patronage. Attentiou is called to the following in Dry Goods : SILKS, POPLINS, ALPACAS, LUSTRES, DELAINES. GINGHAMS, PRINTS, SHAWLS. LADIES' SACaUINGfi, DRESS TRIMMINGS, BLEACHED AND BROWN MUSLINS, CLOTHS AND CASSIMERES GENTS' FURNISHING GOODS TOILET ARTICLES. NOTIONS, AC. Groceries. SrOAR, TEA, COFFEE, MOLASSES, RICK, SYRUP, CANDLES, SOAP, STARCH, FLOUR, FEED, SALT, PORK, BUTTER, CHEESE, DRIED BEEF, HAMS, FISH of all kinds, BEANS, AC., AC., :o:_— Hardware, A FULL ASSORTMENT. Cutlery OF ALL KINDS, MEN'S AND BOYS' Hats and Caps. Boots $ Shoes, A FULL ASSORTMENT. This branch of business made a speciality. A lot of SEWED ARMY SHOES, A GREAT BARGAIN, SOLE LEATHER. CROCKERY. STONE, WOOD AND TINWARE, in great variety. All kindi ol Produce taken in exchange for Goods The above articles will be kept in fall assortment. I mean to make the experiment of goods sold in quantites cheaper than ever before in this vtcioity, I shall b. happy to see you, and ycu can depend up on finding bargains In every uepwrtment. Goods re ceived every week. Respectfully yours, [ From the Bloomdiurg Columbian.] A NEW OLD HAT. BY COL. KHKE7.B. When this oDI hat was new Atl parties were intent To nominate a statesman, fit To be our President; But now Ben Butler's Radicals Their former faith recant, And put to be roted for, The shoulder-straps of Qrant. When this old hat was new The Union was complete, Nor were ten equal, sovereign States, Trod under Sambo's feet ; Nor will they long thus subject be, In spite of Cuffue's vaunt, Unless jhe vote is given lor The shoulder-straps of Grant, When this old hat was new Each man could right bis cause, Nor did the gloaming bayonet Usurped the place of laws ; Bat soon again the civil rule Will tyranny supplant, Uuloss the vote is given for Tho shoulder-straps of Grant. When this old hat was new Full t happy were we all, With gold and silver in our purse, We l'eared no.debtor's thrall; Now, small will grow our p>eket-books, And gaunt # and still more gaunt, If e'cr.the vote; is given for . The shoulder-straps of Grant. W heu this old hat was new This government to run, But sixty million dollars cost, And then it went like fun ; But now, THREE HUNDRED MILLIONS make The people toil and pant, And swear their votes shall not be for The shoulder-straps of Grant, The Phila. Evening Bulletin (Rad ical ) publishes without comment, the fol lowing striking speech hy Howell Cobb, j Let every white man and woman read it : j You ask me about the negro how to act j in regard to him. I reply: Treat him ] justly, generous, kindly. Undeceive hiin. j When the cunning, thieving, miserable ! wretches who are traveling through the j country try to deceive him. go to him and j tell him the truth. Tell him that the charge that you want to put him into sla- , very again is false. Tell hint that you are J now, as you have always been, bis best ] and truest friend. Tell him to inquire 1 who were his worst enemies in the days j of slavery—and he w ill find that they j were these miserable scalawags who are i now pretending to be his best friends.— j Their masters were their best friends in j those days, and those who were their masters then are their best fiienda now, and will continue to be good to them.— I never talk politics with my negroes, and vet tbewvoted with me, and will do it again. The only argument I offered them was four pounds of bacon, one peek of meal, a quart of potatoes, a good doctor when sick, and one fourth of my crop. That's the very best argument vou can offer them. Tiy it. You will find that it will convince all sensible negroes. I don't intend to de ceive these negroes. I don't want to put the idea into your heads that you can con trol this country. You cannot do it. If you don't know this you ought to. The white people will control it. If they should wrong yon in any way, or attempt to deprive you of any of your legal l ights, I will stand by you and defend you —at j the court house, here, everywhere, in pro- ' tecting you in the enjoyment of all your I civil rights. These people will vote for i yon, my friends, if you will be candid with them and tell them these truths.— j Hut suppose that the present state of' things continues—suppose tlint negro rule becomes foisted upon this State, what will 1 be onr condition 1 I would ask the good men of the North to reflect upon the re sult ;to look upon these mothers, these daughters, these little children, these good men and true ; and I would say to > them : Do you think that these women and children and good men ought to be placed under negro rule? Do you be lieve that the negro ought to be elevated to a social eqnaltty with them ? Do you believe that our parlors and our d'ning rooms should be thrown open and the negro invited to come into them, into the societv of onr families? Tell me, ye men ot the North, have yon mothers, daughters and sisters ? Look at that little one kneeling around its mother's knee ; see the tear-drop glistening in that mother's eyes ; see that sister clinging to her pa rents and asking for protection from these outrages. Oh men of the North would to God that you could stand here and see these women, in their tears growing pret tier and prettier ; these children, in their : supplications growing sweeter and sweet er. Tell me, could you, sec this bring them down to the degradation of negro equallity ? They could not but respond to such an appeal in your behalf, my friends. And if they could not resist it, oh. my countrymen, how can you resist it ? I call upon yon, then, not to over ; throw your government, but to preserve your Constitution and the institutions of vour country, and in ambition's wild hour never forget these women aod children was hoped Pant A. Loon would refoim, but he is seen growing tighter and tighter on lbs streets daily. " To Speak his Thoughts is Every Freeman's Right. " DR. JOHNSON'S PUDDING. One summer I made a visit to Scotland,! with the intention of completing my series of my views, and went over tke same ground described hy the learned tourists, Dr. John son and Boswell. lam in the habit of ta king very U.ng walks on these occasions; perceiving a storm threaten, I made the best of iny way to a smi'.l inn, and was re? ceived hy a respectable looking man and his wife, who did all in their power to make me comfortable. Alter eating some excel lent fried mutton-chops, and drinking a quart of ale, 1 asked the landlord to par take of a bowl of wiskey punch. I found him, as the Scotch gcnnerally are, very in telligent and full of anecdote, of which the following may serve as a specimen : Sir, said the landlord, this inn was for merly kept by Andrew Maegregor, a rel ative of mine; and these hard bottom chairs (in which we are now sitting) were, years ago, fillt-d with the great tourists, Dr. John son and Boswell, travelling like the lion and jackal. Boswell, generally piecceded the Doctor in search of food, and, being now pleased with the looks of the house, followed hi? nose into the larder, where tie saw a fine leg of mutton. He ordered it to be rousted with the utmost expedition,and gave particular orders for a nice pudding, j "Now," says he,' make the best of all puddings," Elated wit!) his good luck, he immedi ately went out in search of his friend, and i saw the giant of learning slowly advancing i on a pony. "Mv dear sir," said Boswell out of breath, "_ ood news! I have just bespoke at a comfortable and clean inn here, a de licious lg of mutton; it is now getting ready, and I flatter myself that we shall have an excellent meal." "And I hope," said he, "you have be spoke a pudding " ".Sir, you will have your favorits pud ding." replied the other. Johnson got off the pony, and the poor animal, relieved front the giant, smelt his way into the stable. Boswell ushered the Doctor into the house, and left him for his de ieio s treat. Johnson feeling his coat rather damp, from the mist of the tnoun- • tains, went into the kitchen, and threw his j upper garment on a chair before the fire ; | he sat on a hob, near a little hoy who was ! busy attending the meat. Johnson occ i- J sionally peeped from behind his coat, while j the bov kept basting the mutton. John- j son did not iike the appearance of his head;! when he shifted the basting ladle from one | hand, the otln r baud was never idle, and | the Doctor thought at the same time he saw something l'all on the meat; upon which he. determined to eat no mutton on that day. The dinner announced, Boswell exclaimed: "My dear Doctor, here comes the mut ton ! What a picture ! Done to a turn, and looks so beautifully brown !" The Doctor tittered. After a* short grace. Boswell said: "I suppose 1 am to carve, as usual what part shall 1 help you to?" The Doctor replied : My dear Bozy, I did not like to tell you before, hut I am determined to abstain from meal to-day." "O dear ! this is great disappointment," said Bozy. "Say no more; I shall make myself am ple amends with the pudding." Boswell commenced the attack, and made the first cut on the mutton. "How the gravy runs; w hat fine flavor ed hit; so nice ami brown, too. Oh, sir, you would iiave relished this prime piece of mutton." The meat being removed, in came the long witlied for pudding. The Doctor looked joyous, fell eagerly to, and in a few moments nearly finished the pudding.— The table was cleared and Boswell said; ' Doe.ter, while I was eating the mutton, you seemed frequently inclined to laugh; pray, tell me what tickled youi fancy." The Doctor then literally told liirn all that bad passed at the kitchen fire about the boy and the basting. Boswell turned white as a parsmp and, sick of himself and the company, darted out of the room. Some what relieved, on returning, he insisted on seeing the duty little rascally boy, whom he severely reprimanded before Johnson. The poor boy cried —the Doctor laughed "You little, filthy, sniveling hound," said Boswell' "when yon hasted the meat, why did you not put on the cap I taw yon in this morning ?" "I couldn't sir," said the boy. "No ! Why couldn't yon ?" said Boswell. "Because my mammy took it from me to boil the pudding in !" The Doctor gathered up his herculean frame, stood erect, touched the ceiling with his wig, stared or squinted; indeed, looked any wiay but the right way. At last, with month wide open (none of the smallest) and stomach heaving, he with some diffi culty recovered his breath, and, looking at i Boswell with dignified contempt, lie toared out with the lungs of a stentor. "Mr. Boswell, sir, leave off laughing, and under pain of my eternal displeasure, nev er utter a single syllable of this abomina ble adventure to any soul living while you I breathe." And such, said mine host, you have the positive fact from the simple mouth of your humble servant. MINE Fmu.—A German wrote an obitu ary on the death of his wife, of which the fetlowing is a copy : "If mine wife bad lived until next Friday she would have been dead sbust -.wo weeks. Nothing is posstblo with the Almighty. As de tree falls BO must it stand, A NEW LOVE TEST. The English papers tell of a sentimen tal individual named Stanhope, who, hav ing become possessed with the notion that hi* wife was not 90 fond of him as she should be. resolved to put her love to the test. This he did by banging himself in effigy in the attic, and concealed himself where he could watch the effort of the spectacle. Here is the sequel : After a while his daughter came up after a skipping rope, and caught a glimpse of the suspended figure. She ran down the stairs, screaming, "Oh mother, moth er ! pappy hung himself." "Now for it," thought Felix, in ambuscade, "we shall have a touching scene presently."— "Hung himself," he heard Mrs. Stanhope repeat, as she walked leisurely up stairs, "lie hasn't got pluck enough for such a thing or he would have done it long ago. Well, I believe he has done it, however." she said, as she came in view of Felix's representative. Molly, (to the girl, ) I think lie ought to be cut down. You had better go into the kitchen and get a knife my dear ; but don't go down too fa*t or you might fall and hurt yourself. Stay, I forgot. There is no knife in the kit chen sharp enough. You had better go around to Mr. Holmes, the shoemaker— he's only four streets off—tell him to whet it before he sends it. And, Molly, when you are in the neighborhood, you can stop at Aunt So key's and ask how the ba by is. And, Molly you can stop at the grocci's shop as you come back and get a pound of sugar." " Poor Felix ! " sighed Mrs. Stanhope, when her daughter had departed. I hope we shall get hiin down before the vital spark's extinct, for these burying are very troublesome, and cost money. He wanted to put an end to himself, too ; and I think I ought to let liirn have his own way for once in his life; he used to say that 1 was always crossing him. I wish he hadn't spoil.id that new clothes line ; an old rope might have answered his pur pose." Here a voice, which sounded like that of the supposed suicide, broke in upon Mrs. Stanhope, thinking this must he a ghostly exclamation, utteied a wild scream, and attempted to tscapc down the narrow staircase. Felix, starting from his place of concealment, gave chase.— Mrs. Stanhope stumbled midway on the flight of stairs, and Mr. Stanhope having ju>t reached her, ami made a gra?p at her disheveled hair as it streamed backward, the arnible partners were precipitated to the bottom together; both were badly in jured. You SITXN'T SLEEP WITH ME. —Mr. Piikerson, a small farmer in Pennsylvania was drafted into the aimy. The wife, though possessed but a little stock of gen eral information, is one of the best of conjugal partners, and she was much troubled at the thought of parting wiih her husband. As siie was engaged in scrubbing off the door steps, a rough look ing man walked up and thus addressed her: " I hear, madam, that your husband has been drafted." " Yes, sir, he has," answered Mrs. Pii kerson, " though d'-ar knows there are few men that couldn't be better spared from their families." ' Well madam, I have come to offer myself as a substitute for him." " A what ? " asked Mrs. Piikerson with some excitement. "1 am willing to take his place, " said the stranger. 44 You take the place of my husband and sleep with me—yon nasty, dirty wretch ! I'll teach you to insult a dis tressed woman in that way, yon vagabond !' said she as she discharged the dirty soap suds in the face of the discomfited substi tute who took to his heels just in time to escape having his head broken with the bucket. "GOOD MAXIMS. An action cannot be perfectly good, un less it is pure in its motives; that is unless the motives are virtuous, and free from any mixture of vice. If we commit small faults without re gret to-day, we shall commit greater ones to-morrow. Pride is the most ridiculous and foolish of all vices. In everything we do, however trifling, we ought to reflect and teason, otherwise we shall never do anything well. Idleness renders us unfit for anything. Flatterv is more perjudicial than rude ness or anger. We owe the greatest gratitude to those who tell us the truth. Calumny is the voice of those who have neither a good heart or a good un derstanding. We ought never to believe ill of any one till we are ceitain of it. We ought not to sav anything that is rude and dis pleasing in joke and even then we ought not cari v the joke too far. The longer the saw of contention is drawn the hotter it grows. In matters of conscience, first thoughts are best. In matters of prudence, the last thoughts are best. Lving is a vice so very infamous that the greatest liar cannot bear it in other men. Nothing can be more touching than to behold a soft and tender female, who has been all weakness and depen dence, and alive to every trivial roughness while treading the prosperous paths of life, suddenly rising in mental force to be the comforter of her husband in misfor tune. VERBAL CURIOSITIES OF THE EN GLISH LANGUAGE. " How different the action descibed in ! scouting a foriest and scouring floor; in i skimming the sea and skirnmir.g milk; in breaking a dish, breaking a colt, and break j ing a commandment; in catching a train and catching a cold; in falling in a ditch, falling in love, falling in your own estima tion, and falling in with a friend, or falling ! out of a cariiagc. So you might read of a museum of wonders, illuminated by the light ' cf other days; furnished with music played on the feelings by the man who, having low ered his voice by means of ropes, murdered a tune, but subsequently tried his voice and acequitted himself with ease; with wails hung with pictures of despair; with a libra ry filled partly with volumes of sound and partly with volumes of smoke, and where might be seen the lady who sat on the lapse of ages; the attorney's clerk who engrossed a man's attention; the mathematician who is so devoted to figures that he frequently casts up his eyes; the gitl who was saved in a shipwreck by clinging to a forlorn hope; a man who was wounded l>y sitting down on the spur of the moment; the acrobat who jumped at conclusions; the cup of sorrow that overflowed; the chains which bound a freeborn mind; the tickling of atl oyster bed; the receipt given to a man who paid his respects; the suspenders used by the breeches of trust; the quiver which was ob served in the voice of a£njarrow minded man; a lock of bair from the bead of a dis course, and one from the head of cabbage; a flat iron to smooth ruffled tempers; a phial of tears from a weeping willow; a button from coat of a stomach; a sheaf from the shock of an earthquake, and many other articles equally rare and interesting. THE DESERTIONS CONTINUE. The l'ittsburg Post says it has the names of eighty-two Republicans of that city, who have joined Seymour and Blair Clubs, and will vote the entire Democratic ticket at the next election Gen. A. S. Pitt, who has hitherto been a leading Republican in Logan county, Ohio, made a speech at the Urbana Democratic Club on Saturday last, declaring in favor of Seymour arid Blair. Tiie Democratic books are still open, and new enrollments are being made daily. The Hon. Richard Gregg, of Aurora, Decrborn county, Ind.. a life-long Whig, and a Republican at the organization of that party, came out in a public speech in Au rora, last week, for Seymour snd Blair. The Warrick Herald is greatly disgusted because Mr. C. D. Robertson, hitherto a strong Republican, has renounced that party and made a speech at a Seymour ratification meeting in Boonvilie, a few days since.— It calls him "traitor," renegade, &c. Within a circle of five miles from this place, says the Bellefonte Watchmtn, we have the n imes of forty-three men who have all their lives voted with opposition, and who are earnestly woiktng for the suc cess of Seymour and Blair. TjTACH THE WOMEN TO SAVE. ——— There is a secret! A saving woman at the head of a family is the very best saving bank vet established —one who receives de posits daily and hourly with no costly ma chinery to manage it. The idea of saving is a pleasant one, and if the women would imbibe it at once, they would cultivate and adhere to it, would be laying the founda tion of a competent security in a stormy time, and shelter in a rainy day. The wo man who sees to her own house, has a large field to save in. The best way to make them comprehend it is to keep an account of all current expenses. Probably not one woman in ten lias an idea of how much are the expenditures of herself arid family. Where from one to two thousand oollars are expended annualy, there is a chance to save something if the effort is only made Let the house wife take the idea, act upon it, and she will save many dollars, perhaps hundreds, where before she thought it im possible. This is a duty, yet not a prompt ing of avarice, but a moral obligation that rests upon the woman as well as the man. A Bio STRAW —Mr. J. M BoPrel, a vet eran who served four years in the army; who for twelve years has been an active member of the Republican party, and who was SecratAry of the Meuia (Delaware Co.) Brant and Colfax Club, at a meeting of the Seymour and Blair Democratic and Con servative Club, held at the Wigwam on Thursday evening last, came forward and enrolled his name, along with fifty others, as a memner of the Club. That's what we should call a big evening's work in the good cause, and fully verifies Governor Seymour's words that the Democrats are "strengthen ed in their faith by the co operation of the great body of those who have served in the Union army and navy during the war."— The soldiers demand the Union for which they fought, and they see no hope of ob taining it outside of the Democratic party. A YOUNG AND PROMISING LAWVER ABANDONS THE FOUL PARTY. —Robeit S. Morrison, Esq., a young and brillant law yer. son of ex-Mayor Morrison, of Allegha ny City, addressed a Democratic meeting in that city on Tuesday evening last. Mr. Morrison stated that it was his first appear ance in what he had always supposed was the camp ofihe enemy, but he could think so no longer. He was now with the De mocracy heart and soul, as he could not stand idly by and see the country ruined by the party that had gained its asceuden cy by deceiving the people. TERMS, $2.00 Per. ANNUM, in Advance. IPisff anti gljwfoiaf. A fop often fancies he is cock of the walk when he is only a coxcomb. He who tells a lie is not sensible how great a task he undertakes ; for ho must be forced to tell twenty more to' maintain otftb A married woman in Wisconsin says that when her husband is a little drunk be kicks her, and when he is very drunk she kicks I him ; she says she does the greater part of the kicking, "Good morning, Mr. Ifenpeck," said £ printer in search of female compositors "have you any daughters that would make good type setters ?" "No, but I have a wife that would make a flue devil." A man whose wife had just died, was ask* ed by a friend if he felt lonely. " Lonely ? you bet I do. Why, dang it, man, I'd rather lost my best cow." A decent looking irishman, stopping at A hotel to warm himself, inquired of the land-, lord, "What was the news ?" Landlord, disposed to run a rig upon Pad-* dy, replied : "They say that the devil is dead !" "And sure," quoth Pat, "that's news in* dade." Shortly after, Pat stalks up to the baf, and depositing some coppers, resumed his seat. The landlord, always ready for a customs* asked him what he would hate. "Och, sure, sir," said Pat, "it's the custom in my own country, when a chap like yon loses his daddy, to give him a few coppers to help pay for the wake." Landlord stood treat all atetontr. A lively urchin accosted a traveling mer chant, the other day, and dried, in an earnest voice ; '"Mr. ,please give me an apple ; my brother goes with your sister. He'll do. No NSME.— During the French Revolu tion a man applied to the passport offio© for a passport. "What is your name ?" "Nis." "What ?" "Nis." "Nonsense ! that is no Dame." "You have abolished Saints, haven't you ?" "Yes," "And you have abolished Do ?'* "Yes." "So my name is Nis; for before the Rev-' olution 1 was called St. Denis." Quilp, who has heretofore been a salist, now believes there are two thing* des tined to be eternally lust—his umbrella and the man who stole it. "Bridget 1 why don't you J bring up the lemonade 7" said Mra. S. on the 4th of July, top of her kitchen stairs. I "Why, marm," said Bridget, wiping the' sweat from her red face with her checked apron, as she put her head round the stair case partition, "why, marm, you see the ica I put in the lemonade is so hard that it hasn't melted yet, though it's stirring over the fire I've been for the last ten minutes or more." "The smacks of Heaven !" said a youth, as he kissed the maiden's cheek. ''Well you've plenty (if lip, I'm sure." replied the maiden. "Yes, and'you've plenty of cheek," res sponded the youth, as he repaated the oscu* latioD. A young lady reading the "Prisoner of Chilian" to another, came to the part where the prisoner's hair was changed gradually from dark to white, when 6he was interrupt ed with : "White ! How very odd, to be sure ! Well I know nothing about hair, but there is our old friend, Mrs. George, the lady who has just been twenty-nine for the last fif teen years—her husband died, you koow, last winter, at which misfortune her grief was so intense that her hair turned conn pletely black within twenty hours after the occurrence of that sad event." THE NEGROE'S SIMILE —An old negro, named Pete, was much troubled about his *ins, Perceiving him one day with a very downcast look, his master asked htm tt cause. "Oh. massa, I'm sich a great sinner." ' But, Pete," said his master, "you are foolish to take it to heart. You never sea me troubled about my sins." "I know de reason, tnassa," said Pefe, •'when you go out duck shootin' and kill one duck and wound another, don't you run after de wounded duck." "Yes, Pete," and the master wondered what was coming next. "Well, tnassa, dat if de way wld you and me ; de debil has got you sure ; but as ha am not sure ob me he chaaca dis chile all de time." A lady, waiting upon the subject, eaya "When men break their hearts, it la the same as when a lobster breaks one of hi" claws—another sprouting immediately and growing in ilt place," NO.