HARYEY SICKLER, Publisher.
VOL. VII.
Ul.imiiiiiti ilfiiiDir.it.
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(v lit Tunkhannock
> seining County, P* "/ 1 . ijra*? W t
BY HARVEY SICKLER
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A must he handed in by TUES
DAY NOON, to iu.-:uro insertion th • same week.
J Oil WORK
of all kin-L neatly executed and at prices to suit
the times.
All TRANSIENT ADYERTTBEMEXTS and JOB
VHiKK. must he paid for, when ordered
Business Solices.
~ iuifeW E LITTLE ATTORNEYS AT
IA. LAW Ouieeon Tioga Street Tunkhannock Pa
HS. COOS'EK, PHYSICIAN Jt SUKULON
• Newton Centre. Luzerne County Ha.
OL, rAfHHfi, ATTORNEY AT LAW
• Cth cat the Court lluuse, in Tunkhiuock
A\ mining Co. Pa
M. .. I* lA'IT, ATiOlNh.i Al L. A*i of
five u Mark's i>r ck Block Tiog.i St., 'dunk
(lannn.-k. Pa.
fir" J CII.tSL, ATTORN -Y AND roi .N'EL
1 x LOK .a i LAW, N icboUon, Wyoming Co-, Ha
Lsj.ecia'. attention g>\cu to scttl uient of dece
dent's estates
N.chjism, Ha. Dae. 5, 13d" —vTulDyl
Md. WILSON,' NTTORNI V AT LAW Cut
leeting anl It- at i.-'ate .Agent. lowa Lauds
fr sale. Scrautou, Ha. ID'!.
T W. RfIOAIM, PHYSICI AN A SURGEON, |
J, wiil attend piom tly to all i-aHs in his pro
fession. Al.iy he t. UI d at bis Office at the d>rug
Mi re, or at in res'.! n-e on Hutiu in Meet, formerly
Ot'cupied hy A. K. Heckham Esq.
DENTiSTH!'. ,
V -■
• C •• *&-£&
i -'-u. -.f> zj
- ~*of
OP., I. T. BURNS has permanently located in
Tutikhannock Borough, and respectfully tenders
lii" nerviceb to its citizens.
Office oa decoud duor, formerly occupied by Dr.
ttiimao.
v6n3Gtf.
PORTRAIT, LANDSCAPE,
A "ill
Osr> wy jr- -A if -r* *V rf * T
Xl J.M -CX. -7.L a .Dj X XX X*
TA-IPVTITVO.
jr. It I'd hit, Artist.
Ri em over the AVyoming National bank,in Stark's
linck Block,
TINKHAXNOCK, PA.*
I. f"- iPortraits p linted from Amlvotvpe* or
P" l ' ."tupbs Dhorogre.f-hs Painted in OiMVlors. —
A lord- rsf r paintings executed uccording to or
der rno charge made,
ltd Instru 'i ins given in Drawing, Sketching.
1' lit and Landscape Painting, in Oil or water
t r-. and in all brioches of the art,
Tuuk . duly >!, Tp -v,;r;so-tf
iiuFFOKi) HOUSE:
TUNKHANNOCK. WYOMING CO., PA.
THIS E-TARLISIIMENT HAS RECENTLY
been r < triad anl luruished in tile Intc-t stvle.
E.ery attention will be given to the comfort and
convenience of those who patronize the House,
11. HI'FFORD. Proprietor.
Tunkhannock. Pa., Juue id, 1803 v7u4l.
BOLTON HOUSE.
IIAKKISI UT i , I'K.NNd.
The .undersigned having lately purchased the
1 u. LiILER HOUSE " property, has already COM
m :. c l su-h alterations and improvements as i||
re . lcr this ol 1 an i popular House equal, if not 5U[ c
- to any Hotel in t! City of Harrishurg.
A nttnuance of the pubiie patronage is refpect
fuly solicited.
GEO. J. IIOLTON
WALL'S HOTEL,
LATE AMERICAN HOUSE,
Tt \US! VNNOt K, AVYOMIXC CO., P.\.
Til!- estahlishraent his recently been refitted an
■s iurri':hcd in the latest style Every attention
* -I .en to the comfort and convenience ol those
• J u patronize the House.
T. 15 WALL, Owner and Proprietor :
_T'inl..h.innock, September 11, 1861.
MEANS' HOTEL.
TOWAKTUA, 3?A
!'• J?. BAKTLKT,
! Late of R MIUIT HMM, ELMIKA,N'.Y.
I'itoi'K ILTOK.
T he MEANS HOTEL, i one of tno LARGEST
,J1 81-.sj ARRANGED Houses in the country—lt
( ■ '' ; l up in the moel modern and unproved style
!• >in are sjiared to make it a pleaaantand
' ■ e stopping j. [ace for all,
• 21-ly.
t "iiitiii rcial College.—The snceess of Gard
■ i.n- h,■, College and Ladies' Academy, at
""on, b..s s irpaas -1 all expectation The eoarso
" u ty is more thorough—tbo terms are che iper—
-.;ove better tatisfaction than any other College
v Kino in Northern Pennsylvania. Lile Sebol
*ls 00. Clubs at reduced rates. Send lor
rg. I'apv. giving full j arliculars. Address J. i
i a:lLer, Prv-cpal, Ssranton. Ha. uTnltfyl J
TUNKHANNOCK, WYOMING CO., PA.-WEDNESDAY, JULY 1, 1868.
. iMritk's Column
Spring Trade for '6B
"Will open on or about the Ist of May,
AT TUIHARNOCK. PEI'A.
O. DetricK,
(SUCCESSOR TO BUSNKLL A BXSSATTME,)
Proposes to establish himself permanently
in trade at this place, at the Brick
store house in Sam'l Stark's Block,
where by fair dealing and fair
prices he expects to merit and
4
receive the public patronage.
:o:
Attention is called to the following in
Dry Goods :
SILKS,
POHLIXS,
ALPACAS,
LUSTRES,
DELAINES.
GINGHAMS,
PRINTS,
SHAWLS.
LADIES' SAiaUIXGS,
DKESS TRIM MIXCS,
BLEACHED AND BROWN MUSLINS,
CLOTHS AND CASSIMERES
GENTS' FURNISHING GOODS
TOILET ARTICLES.
NOTIONS, AC.
:o:
Groceries.
SUGAR,
TEA,
COFFEE,
MOLASSES,
RICE,
SYRUP,
CANDLES,
SOAP,
STARCH,
FLOUR,
FEED,
SALT,
PORK,
BUTTER,
CHEESE,
DRIED BEEF,
HAMS,
FISH of H kinds,
BEANS,
AC., AC., •
:o:
Hardware,
A FULL ASSORTMENT.
Cutlery
OF ALL KINDS,
' 51 EN'S AND BOYS'
Hats and Caps.
:#:
Boots $ Shoes,
A FULL ASSORTMENT.
This branch of business made a speciality. A kit of
SEWED ARMY SHOES,
A GREAT BARGAIN,
SOLE LEATHER.
CROCKERY.
STONE,
* WOOD AND
TINWARE,
in great variety.
All kinds o! Produce taken in ezchaDge lor Goods.
The abre articles will be kept in full assortment.
I mean to make the experiment of goods sold in
quantites cheaper than ever before in this vtcinity,
I shall be bappy to see you, and yen can depend up
on finding bugams In every department. Goods re
ceived ever^week.
Respectfully yours,
C. It It Tit ICR.
) DENTAL AND ACCIDENTAL.
How Boggs Accidentally Got Drunk to
Have Tooth Pulled.
BT " GUIS,"
Bogjs is a quiet citizen. Hop;<r3 don't
drink except u on occasion." Tlie occa
ion arrived the other day when he had
the toothache. Now it requires a brave
man to walk serenely and deliberately up
j to a dentist's door and pull his bell with
out faltering, when yon know you have
got to have a tooth out. Napoleon him
j self couldn't do it. His courage once fail
! Ed him looking a pair of forc-ps square in
the face. Bogus isn't a Napoleon quite,
but he has th* Napoleonic diead of li e den
tist's chait But it was absolutely neces
sary that TJoggs should be made a tooth
short, lie was alraid to take chloroform
—afraid the dentist might take liberties
with him. Then, as to laughing gas, it
might tickle him lo death, for what he
knew. So he resolved to prepare himself
for the disagreeable operation of getting a
little u set up
He didn't propose to get drunk—oh no !
but he would crush a brandy-punch or
two, just to give him courage. He re
membered how valorous he once became
under the inspiration of a similar bever
age, when he offered to whip several m< n
who were out of town at the time, and he
judged that a like courageous spirit could
be worked up for this occasion.
liut B-'ggs didn't stop with a punch or
two. He continued " (listing " them in, so
that by the time his couiage had reached
a sufficient altitude, Boggs was drunk, —
The shades of night lad fallen when lie
made devious tracks toward Eight street,
lor the purpose of finding a dentist.
Boggs was as hold as a lion, except in
walk, which was tine rtain as the career
of genius. lie felt that he could face all
the dentists in the universe. He studied
all the numbers on the houses as well as
he could, for the figures had a funny way
of changing hats with each other, shaking
hands, dancing jigs, etc., and at length he
found the right house, as he supposed.—
" Was there a soul dismayed ?" It there
was it wasn't Bongs. - ' lie mounted the
steps with cheerful alacrity and pulled the
hell with a power equal to four brandy
punches to tlie square inch.
The door opened and s man appeared.
44 Dentist in ? ' inquiied Boggs eager
for the fray, and ready to make a precip
itate rush tor the operator's chair.
44 No sir! " was the rather gruff reply.
44 No dentist living here, " aad the door
closed sharply in Boggs' face.
44 Zail [ hie ] right,' said Boggs, 14 '.stak
en in house." Then he began a more
searching investigation of the illuminated
figures dancing over the doors.
4i Got 'eiu this time," said B"ggs im
agining that he had chased d'>wn the light
figures at length. lie lings the doorbell
same man appealed again.
41 Doc'r llun'r 'side f hie j here."
41 No, sir!" said the man, sharply 44 t"ld
you so before, " and again the door bang
ed
"Singiar," muttered Boggs, as he mov
ed away. 44 Either I wen' to s s-same
house, or [ hie J tba' man lives in all er
bous'in er block " Half an hour's most
careful search on the part of Boggs and
he is convinced that he has already found
the right house. In response to his rather
startling ring, t lie door opens
44 Doe'r Hun'r in ? Wau'er get er to
[ hie ] ootb out."
44 See here, you scoundrel," said a voice
that had grown singularly fainilar to Boggs
by this time, 44 1 have told you three times
that Doctor Hunter don't live here. Now
if you ring my doorbell again, I'll call a
policeman and have hiin take you out to
the station house."
Couldn't you have ple[ liic Jeseman
take ooth out to station house.' The ex
asperated door opener offered to kick
Boggs off the steps, but Bggs is a tender
hearted man—lie wouldn't stay to see him
do it 44 Tba' tha' [ hie ] man must be
hired to atis'er doorbells for 'hole street
Won'er if he ans'ers Doc'r Ilun'rs beil ?
By -Jove he [ hie J hain't for me yet.—
Ha !ha ! [ hie ] hs! I've pulled doorbells
'nough t'night to pull out every tooth m
my [ hie ] head. Guess I'll go home."
Boggs woke up next morning with a
headache and very mad to find that his
tooth, like our flag was 44 still there." He
had his spree out, but not his tooth. To
punish himself he walked straight off to
the dentist's and had his tooth pulled on
an empty stomach. lie has resolved that
he will never again prepare a tooth foi
pulling by filling it with whisky.
§ST A German applied to Judge S
to be relieved from sitting as a juryman.
44 What is your excuse?" asked the
Judge.
44 I can't speak English," he replied.
44 Yon have nothing to do with speak
ing." said the Judge.
44 But I can't understand good English ! "
44 That's no excuse," said his honor;
" I am sure you are not likely to hear good
English at this bar."
An Indian appleid to an agent in lowa
for four quarts of whi-kv, to be used as an
antidote to save tbe life of a young war
rior who had been bitten by a rattlesnake.
The agent demurred at the quantity. —
44 Four quarts ; snake very big, " was the
response.
—•■ ■
I am no more surprised that some re
vealed truths should amaze my under
standing, than that the blazing sun should
dazzle my eyes Harvey.
" To Speak his Thoughts is Every Freeman's Eight. "
LAGER BEER.
1 haV finally cum tew the conclusion
that lager beer as a beverage is not in
toxicating.
I hav bin told so hy a gem men who sed
j he bed drunk it awl nite long, just to try
I the experiment, and was obliged to go
i home entirely sober in the morning. I
, hav seen this same man drink sixteen
; glasses, and if he was drunk he was drunk
1 in German, and nobody could understand
| it. If is proper enufl'to state that this
| man kept a lager beer saloon, and could
I hav no object in stating what was not
I strictly thus.
I I believed him tew the full extent ov
|my ability. I never drunk but three
j glasses ov lager beer in my life, and that
! made mi bed outwist astho it was hung
l on the end ova string, hut i was told it
I was oWm' to mi bile being out ov place ;
and i guess it was so, for i never biied over
| wuss than i did when i got hum that nite.
! My wife thot that i was going tew die, and
! and i Was afraid that i shouldn't, for it did
| seem as tho everything i had ever eaten
in mi life wuz cummun to the surface, and
i. do beiieve that if my wife hadn't pulled
off mi boots jest as she did, they wod hav
cum thunderin up too.
0 ! how sick i wuz ! 14 years ago and i
can taste it now.
1 never had so much experience in so
short a time.
I fenny man should tell me that lager
beer wuz intoxicating, i shud beleve him ;
hut il he should till me that i was not
drunk that nite, but that mi stummuek
was out of order, i shall ask him to state
in a few words, just how a man felt and
aeted when he was well set up.
If i wasn't drunk that nite i had some ov
the most natural siir.pluois that a man ever
had, and kept sober.
In the first place it was about 80 rods
from win re i drank the lager beer to mi
house, and i was over 2 hours on the road j
and had a hole bustid thru each one ov mi
pantaloon neez, and didn't hav any hat,
and tiied lo open the door by the bell-pull,
and hicknpped awfully, and saw every- j
thing in the room trying to get on the j
baek sid •ofme ; and in sittin down in a
chair i didn't wait long enuff for it to ex
actly git under me when it was going a- i
round, and t set down a little too soon and
missed the chair about 12 inches, and
couldn't git up soon enuff to take the next
one that cum along ; and that ain't awl ;
niv wife said i was as drunk as a beest,
and as i said before , i b'gun to spin up ,
things freely.
If lager beer is riot intoxicating, it used 1
me almighty mean, that i know.
Still, i hardly think lager beer is intox
icating, for i hav bin told so ; and i am
probably the only man Jiving who ever
drank enny when his life was not plumb, j
I don't want tew say anything agin a :
harmless temperance bevridge, .but if i '
ever drink any more, it wilt be with my j
hands tied behind me, and mouth pried
open.
I don't think lager beer is intoxicating
but if i remember right, ith nk it tastes
to me like a glass of soap suds, that a
pickle had bin put tew soak in.— Josh
Billinys,
AN IIXHF.RT DRUMMER.—A correspon
dent writes :
A very curious performance presented i
for the amuscmeut of the people of Berlin,'
Prussia, is the drum concert of the ceie- j
brated drummer, Mr Julius Weiffonbach,
on sixteen diums, with forty-eight drum-j
sticks. Sixteen drums are placed on iron j
supporters, in two rows. Those at both
end* are placi d a little higher, so that the !
double row of drums forms an arch. The!
artist shows first his skill on a single drum
and I never suspected so much music in I
that single instruments The orchestra
commences then to accompany Mr. Wcif- !
foiibach's play on the sixteen diums. To j
describe it is quite impossible The art- ]
list seems almost frantic, and his move- ,
iiieuts would honor an acrobat. Without
interrupting the tune for a single mo-'
inent, lie throws his drum-sticks about in
all directions, catching them again. In ;
the same manner he catches those thrown I
to him by his attendants. Having con- i
eluded this wonderful athletic musical |>er- !
fortnance, the artist shows Ins skill j
on a single drum, which he places on tlie 1
back of a chair, catching drum-sticks with !
still greater dexterity than before. In
fact, the sticks are continually flying in
the air, so that you get quite dizzy with
looking at llieiu.
The 44 gentle Anna" Dickinson has
spoken her piece in Elmira N. \and
handled Grant and his backets unmerci
fully. She says: '*' You want to cover
up the negro with Grant." Rather a
thin covering the late elections show that
to be, It might do for " dog days," hut
is decidedly out of time for any other
season. Anna also tells the Mongrels
that they are tiying to hide their princi
ples 44 behind the smoke of Grant's cigar."
Again 44 by nominating Grant you show
yourselves cowards and poltroons," If
the gentle creature keeps on telling such
ugly truths as these, poor Grant will be
smothered in criuolino before the leaves
of autumn fall.
* 4 Do yon sav your prayers regularly
every night and morning?" asked a sym
pathetic lady of a little boot black, to
whom she had just given a trifle. 44 I al'us
i sez 'em at night, mum ; but any smart
: boy can take care of hisself in the day
; time, " was the little rogue's reply.
A STRANGE ROMANCE. *
We copy the following from a recent
j letter of-'Evelyn," the New Orleans cor-
I respondent of the Mobile Sunday Times:
I have before said that the romances in
real life are more common than people
! suppose, arid have remarked that few no
tice romances and plots unless set out and
adorned by the skill of a romance writer.
A plot for a novel, or a study for story,
has recently come under-my own observa
tion, Something like two years ago, young
M —, the son of one of the wealthiest
men in Louisiana, fell dm ply in love with
i ay oung lady oi a neighboring parish. Ilis
love war returned with warmth, and tliey
wcrc engaged. But an obstacle came in
their way* M 's father opposed the
match. For sometime he kept this a se
cret from his Jinnccc, and meanwhile she
was making preparations for the marriage.
•*!be was an orphan, hut had been .left a
small property, which,valued before the
war, brought her little over ?.3,()OiJ. 'lbis
site expended upon her trosseau, fueling
that, as her intended husband was rich, she
Lad no necessity for saving, and that she
should make her appearance worthy of
station. As the time drew near when
they were to be united, M seemed
to change towards her, an gretv cool and
serious. In vain she tried, with all the
arts which love coo Id suggest; to learn the
secret of the change, but he did not con
ti le in her' and she could only wait and
wonder. At last tin-time fixed for the
ceremony came, and M- was lorced
to make a confession. He said that Ilis
father forbade the match, that he had sup
posed an heiress when he engaged himself
to her, and new he could not marry her
against lis lather's will. The shock which
litis gave the gitl can be imagined. Nat
urally one will say that she should have de
spised him, and felt herself fortunate inrr.a
king her escape; but, on the contrary, it
was then only that site felt how much she
loved him. She had herself withou reserve,
and, fo far as she w-a* concerned, she wao
his f. reu r. For the next year and a half
she was in a convent, entirely excluded
from the world; but some two months ago
she was persuaded to come to this city, and
remain here for some two or three weeks.
< )ne day she received a letter which seemed
to disturb her, and on going to her room
later, a friend found her, on her knees,
proving for the man who had deserted het.
He was vcrv sick in the country, and
begged her to come to him. On that verv
day M -"s father died, and the funer
al notice was handed to her as she stepped
into the carriage to go to the cars. For a
week nothing was heard from her, but ;
soon we got the finale of the romance. |
The girl had gone immediately to_M 's
bedside, and found him, very ill, attended
by his t.vo sisters. He toid her that he
w'as dying, and, now that his fatiier was
gone, wished to make her his wife. I hey
were married. A w-ill vv is made by hiin
giving her one half of his largo fortune, the
other half to his uvo sister-, and thu next
day he followed his father from the eartu
Contrary to the advice of her friends, the
young maiden-widow announces her inten
tion of retiring to the convent for life.
INDIA GIRLS.
In certain parts of India a great number
of girls are still murdered immediately aft
er their birth; and, indeed, this horrible
custom is found not only among poor fam
ilies, but in rich and verv noble houses. —
Tlie wife of an India rejali had five daugh
ters, and all immediately after birth, at the
fathers'? command,and in conformity to cus
tom, wore put to death. At length the
mother's love prompted her to lay some
plan bv which the next might be preserv
ed, and accordingly, with the help of a
trusty servant, the sixth child, also a girl,
was secretly rescued. The father gave
the usual bloody order, but without bis
knowledge it was not fulfilled, and the
child was reared in secret. True, the
mother never dared to see it, for fear of
betraving it, and she died without having
tasted the mother's inward joy of pressing
her child but once to her bosom. In In
dia the girls are remarkable for their beau
ty. Their eyes are black and brilliant,
their features "ft and full of expression.-
This maiden, too, grew up to full measure
of voutlifuil beauty, and her nurse and rel
atives consequently believed that they
might now boldly present her to her father;
if they could not rely on the father's heait,
yet he* beautiful innocence, they thought,
would secure her life; toe more so as she
was the perfect image of her mother. A
favorable moment was chosen to introduce
to the father his child, llichly attired she
approached the astonished chief, fell down
at his fe t and exclaimed : "My father !"An I
the father ? For a moment love struggled
in his bosom with his usual proud, hard
feeling*, hut lie drew his sword fcom his
sheath, and with a blow struck off the head
of the lovely child.
correspondent from Florida craves
a hearing:
I think the Northern tax-payers, who
make their living by honest toil, should
know that for two months the Government
has been distributing free rations to tlie
negroes in this State. In Leon County,
where the negroes registered about 2,T00
voters (2,666) some 3.5,000 rations were
issued last naonth alone. Do vou give
; free rations to the laborers of the North.*'
No; but the saints, tax 'em on evc
-1 rything they eat and wear, and then tax
i 'em again, to feed the gemtnem, this new
! aristocracy of the South.
OUR SHORTER CATECHISM.
What is the chief end of man ? To
I love his country, his kind, to vote the
! Democratic ticket.
What is the chief end of the Radical
party ? The black end.
Who was th? first man ? Adam.
Who was the first Radical? The devil.
Who was the meekest man ? Moses.
Who was the meanest man ? Governor
Browlow.
j Who was the most patient man ? Job.
Who imitate Liui ? The people of the
| South.
With what did David slay Goliah ? A
Sling.
W hat is slewing our Ilump Congressman ?
Gin Slings.
Who kept back a part which belonged to
j others ? Antiias and Sapphira.
Who kept back all ? Army contractors
; of the shoddy kind.
Who stole the golden wedge? Achan.
Who stole the golden spoons ? Beast
; Billler—selah.
Who loved Uriah's wife because she was
white and pretty ? David.
Who loved Dinah Brown because she
was black and ugly ? Thaddeus Stevens.
Who was struck dead for telling lies ?
Anndnias and Sapphira.
Who is in danger of a similiar visitation,
generally. Grant.
Who permitted Innocent blood to be
shed? I'ontus Pilot.
Who did likewise? Sfanton, Bingham
and Holt.
Who crucified the Savior of the world ?
The /e*s.
Who crucified ctvel liberty ? The Rad
cals.
Who were destroyed for their wicked
practices? The antedeluvians.
Who deserves the same fate ? The Jaco
bin leaders of the Radical party.
Who destroyed the temple at Jeiuselem?
Nebuzarden.
Who destoved the temple of fieedom at
Washington ? The Radicals.
Who repaired the temple at Jerusclem ?
Cyrus the Persian.
Who will repair the temple of fieedom
at Washington ? The Democratic partv.
Why do tlie Radicals loVe the negroes?
Because Radical instincts and negro out
stincts harmonize.
Who was cast in tho den of lions ? Dan
iel.
Who ought to 'ffoliow suit ?" The abol
ition party that broke up the Union.
Who suckled a wolt ? Rumulus and Re
mus.
Who sucked the life-blood of the Na
tion ? Radical vampires.
What did Romulus and Rerrus found ?
The seven-hilled city of Rome.
What did the Radical party found ? A
military despotism—selaii.
What word did the Jacobins of France
use to cover up their revolutionary designs!
Liberty.
What word did the Jacobins of America
use to deceive the people and to conceal
their wicked practices'? Loyalty.
W hat became of the French Jacobins?
They expiated their crimes on the scaffold
and on the block.
What will become of the American
Jacobins ? They will be sent to Dry Tor
tugas.
Why was Noah chosen commander of j
the ark ? Because ho was a Democrat.
DEAD ALL AROUND.
A correspondent of a New York pa
per, who went to Chicago to attend the
late contention, gives the following as
among the first incidents of his arrival:
Some delegations have arrived.
I spoke to one of the delegates from
lowa.
44 How is Grimes ?" says I.
44 Grimes is dead, " says he.
Then I met a delegate from Maine
and asked him if he had seen Fessenden.
44 Fessenden is dead, " says he.
The next delegate 1 met was from Il
linois, so 1 asked him how Trumbull was
getting on.
4 * Trumbull is. dead, " says he.
A delegate from Missouri then came
along and 1 spoke to him about Hender
son.
41 Henderson is dead," says he.
The next delegate I saw was from Kan
sas, and I asked him if he had seen Ross.
44 It >ss is dead, " says he.
Then I went up to a delegate from Ten
nessee and mentioned Fowler.
44 Fowler is dead," says he.
A delegate from Virginia came in and
I inquired fbr Van Winkle.
\ Van Winkle is dead, " says he
I was getting tired of this, so I asked the
next delegate that came in how was the
party.
And he said he thought tbe party was
dead too.
gqTA good wife is one who puts her hus
band in at the side of bed next to the wall,
and tucks him to keep him warm in the |
winter; splits the wood, makes the fires in j
the morning, washes her husband's face
and draws on his boots for him; never
spolds, never suffers a rent to remain in her
husband's small clothes; keeps her shoes up
and her stockings darned; never wonders
what her hu-band sees interesting in the
woman who lives across the,way and always
reproves the chilldreu when (hey eat their
father's supper.
44 Fire your guns, " said a poor laboring
man in Detroit, while the Radicals were
ratifying Grant's nomination, "you cant
fool me any longer I voted your ticket
until it took S3, to boy what I used to
get for seventy-five cents aotl now think it s
about time for a change S "
TERMS, $2.00 Per. ANNUM, in Advance.
Pise atttt pliicfaise.
"Nigger, who am de first man dat inter
| dnced salt perwishntw into the Davy
"Dar, n'.w, yoo's too hard for dlb colored in
dividual." "It was Noah, nigger, when he
took Ham board his ark."
I am afriad, air, yon have a settled melan
choly," said a landlady to a miserable lodger.
| "No madame," be replied, "my melancholy
j won't settle ; like your eoffee, it baa lOQ
much grounds."
"Are you near sighted, Miss ?"|said an im
oudent fellow to a young lady who did not
choose to notice him. "Yes ; at this dis
tance I can hardly tell whether you are a
pig or a puppy."
The fish in Lake Mollychunkemunk, Me.,
are said to be superior to those of either
j Lake Woleyksebactckor Moosetoekmegantich
Those of Lake Chaubuwgogungamaug were
very fine, but they all got choked to death in
trying to tell where-they lived.
Why is a young man successfully courting
a young lady like a brave army before a well
fortified enemy"?
Because he gets along very quietly until
an engagement lakes place, when tbey open
up with blunder-iusses, followed by small
arms with which they press hard upon the
breastworks.
"Ma, what difference is there between 4
little girl and a boy ?"
"My dear, little hoys wear pantaloons and
girls wear dresses."
"And did I c.unc into the world all dress
ed V'
•'No, darling."
"Then, Ma. how did you know I was a lit
tle girl 1"
"Uncle Jemmv,'- said a waggish blade to
one of the best old men who ever lived or
died. "I'm told yon ar6 very foud of apple
dumplings." "Why," said the patriarch,
"when I lived in Yirginia.l liked them better
than anything in the world, and could eat
eighteen or nineteen at a time j but, some
how, since I came to Georgia, my appetite
has so failed ere that I can ncTer eat
than fourteen or fifteen before they begin to
clog upon my stomach.
An Irish cititen in grief is asked by a
friend what is the matter 1
"Matter, indade. Why here, I insured my
brother's life only two wakes ago and yes
terday be got killed with a derrick. And
whin I canie to tell those insurances they'd
be afier making some mistake, the black
guards thryed to bribe roe off with five hun
dred dollars—as if I was a baythen to sell
my brother's blood."
A distinguished Southern lady, who ia the
wife of a noted and extreme Hadical, residing
in one of the Northern States, while engaged
in plucking the gray hairs from her busbaad'a
moustache, was asked by him, "What are
you doing, my dear ?" "Only carrying oat
vour own policy, sir; exterminating the
whites for the benefit of the blacks," wa|
the witty reply.
"Nancy," said a girl to her companion,
"which railroad train do you like the best 1
"That one," replied Nancy, "which furnish
es a spark catcher !"
Aunt Susan, about 6eventjr years of age,
is "unanimous" on man. She says : "If all
the men were taken off, she'd make arrange
ment fir her funeral forthwith." She also
says: "Suppose all the men were in one
country, and all the women in another, witfy
a big river between them. Good gracious !
what lots of poor women would be drown
ed."
HIS SPEECH.
Grant made the following speech on being
visited by the committee appointed to inform
him of his nomination :
"You'd scarce expect one of my age
To speak in public on the stage.
* And if I chance to fall below
Charles Suinner and Galusha Grow,
Don't view me with Ben Butler's eye
But pass my imperfections by,
From Marshal's pups great dogs do blovy
From little colts great horses grow.
As jou'll agree it is two lato
For me to try to cultivate
The art of speaking. Thereforo I
Will let the lit tie Job go by. •
I'll only say that I'll fulfill,
Whatever you my friends may will
And it is now my full intent
If I am chosen President
To so discharge official duty,
That every act, my friends, will suit yop.
They have curious railroads "down East."
A passenger on the Grand Trunk railroad,
from Lewiston to Portland, for refusing to
pay fare, philosophically footed it the rest of
the way, and when the train reached Port
land, the conductor was astonished to fir.n
: him seated on the platform vvaiting for h\3
baggage.'
, A sweet lunacy—the huueymooa,
NO. 47.