Wyoming democrat. (Tunkhannock, Wyoming Co., Pa.) 1867-1940, June 17, 1868, Image 1

Below is the OCR text representation for this newspapers page. It is also available as plain text as well as XML.

    JJARVEY SICKLER, Publisher.
lUpmiiij gtiwtat
X Democrat!® weekly v
paper ,icvoted to Poll - 4
.., News, .ho Arts J| f I &
„,i - ienrcsir. Pub- g '
1 -he 1 every \\ o lines- j x '
j.iv. Nt Tunkbannoek £73 I
H'v ,iin County, Pa /y " ' law? LI J"
Tor ms—l ropy 1 year, (in advance) 52,00 ; if
bo t j a ill within sis uionths, 82.50 will be charged
X l '4l per will be DISCONTINUED, until all ar
rea--)gesro pail; unless at the option of publisher.
One square one or three insertions $1 50
Every subsequent insertion leas than 8 50 ,
ADVERTISINO, as uiay be agreed iq>->n,
PUKNT Mi:mn>i:s and other advertisements oy
the column :
One column, 1 year, SCO
Ibilf column, 1 year 35
Third column, 1 year, 25
Fourth column, I year, 20
llu -ines* Cards of one square or less, per year
r:tb paper, 3S.
f" '' E TUTORIAL or LorAi. ITEM a Ivertising—with
er Advertisement —15 cts. per line. Liberal terms
pi 'e with permanent advertisers .
TOR'S NOTICES, of the usual length, £2,50
ORTTUAKIE I *.- exceeding ten tin"?, eaeh : RET.I
6P.ii and LITERARY NOTICES, not of genera!
rterest, one half tno regular rates.
A Ivortivoaients tuust be handed in hy TUES
iay N >;M, to insure insertion the same week.
sftE kinds neatly executed and at prices to suit
t'-.e 1 mes.
Wottfv u ut be paid for, when ordered
Business Notices.
Ik LAW udi 'eon Tioga Street Tunkhannock Pa
• Newton Centre, Lurcrne County Pa.
I'• • tl; eat the Court House, in Tunkhanock
V. i :.! ,;g C... Pa.
ti,e in Stark's Brick Block Tioga St., Tunk
IL'Jlock, Pa
'j J 111 l*L. ATTUHM-Y AMM I'l NSEL
-1 • LOR AT LAW, Nicholson, Wyoming Co-, Pa
L-jtrial utlenlioa given to settlement of dece
d. • estates
V. holson, P. Dee. 5, 13(j7—v7a!9,yl
I'll letting awl Real L.-tate Agent. lowa Lands
Mr saie. Scranton, Pa. 38tL
J. will attend promptly to all calls in his pro
: "i.ii. May lie found at his Office at the Drug
■ ur at his residence on Putinan erect, formerly
• apied by A. K. Pcckhatu Esq.
PAR. I. T. BERKS has permanently located in
' TunkliannocH Borough, and res|>ectfally tender?
fc professional services to its citizens.
"ii e on second floor, formerly occupied by Dr.
a ''cm.
>•>!! illtf.
A "5? >T 2 Tof T* TCf 2
Xi I'M Jrx. HX. Xi x\ a AAt
7iy V". UrOEJi, Art isf.
? orn* over the WyomiDg National bank,in Stark's
Life-size Portraits painted from Amhrr,types or
1' ■ 'ii |b -'hotograths Painted in OilCilors. —
A: r tcrsf'or paintings executed according to or
is "r no charge made.
t £,*" Instructions given in Drawing, Sketching,
1' trait an I Landscape Painting, in Oil or water
0 ! rs. an I in all branches of the art,
Tunk , July 31, '(,7 -vgnaO-tf.
1 oc.-n rcfitte lan 1 lurnisheil in the latest style,
laer; at lent ion will bo given to the comfort and
1 aveuicnee of those who patronize ttie House,
H, HVFFORD Proprietor.
Tunkhannmk, Pa., Juuc i7, 1363. v7nll.
The undersigned having lately purchased the
' Tit LIIi.UR HOUSE " property, has already com-
U.-1: e l su.-h alterations and improvements as i||
re . ier this old and popular House e<|Ual, if not supe
n r. to any Hotel in the City of ilarrishurg.
A I'ooiinuanee of the public patronage is refpcct
fully solicited.
THIS establishment has recently been refitted an
I l'urnisho lin the latest style Every attention
* given to the comfort and convenience ol those
i patronize the ilou'e.
t T. B. WALL, Owner and Proprietor :
Tunkhannock, September 11, 1861.
(Late oli. ■'BRAINARIi Ilot'Sß, ELMIRA, X- Y.
•ad REST ARRANGED Houses in the country—lt
'' luicd up in the ruost modern and improved style
•■'■ lno pains are spared to make it a pleasautand
a o r ec.ii,ie -topping piuce for all,
Commercial College.—The suoeess of Gard
fePs Ras mews College an Ladies' Academy, at
" ranton, 1:,. surpassed all expectation The cowrae
of study is more thorough -the terms are cheaper—
•r> 1 give better satisfaction than any other College
• toe kind in Northern Pennsylvania. Lilc Scbol
"xhip J>3s CO. Clubs at reduced rates. Seud lor
' liege Paper giving full particulars. Address J.
A Gardner, Frineipat, Scranton, fa- uTnlUyl
Jletritk's Column.
Spring Trade for '6B
Will open on or about the Ist of May,
C. Detrick,
Proposes to establish himself permanently
in trade at this place, at the Brick
store house in Sam'l Stark's Block,
where by fair dealing and fair
prices he expects to merit and
receive the public patronage.
a :o:
Attention is called to the following in
Dry Goods :
FISH of all kinds,
AC., AC.,
Hats and Caps.
:n; __
Boots §' Shoes,
This branch of business made a speciality. A lot of
in greut variety.
All kind, ol Produce taken in exchange lor Goods.
The above articles will be kept in full assortment.
I mean to make the experiment of goods sold in
quantites cheaper than ever before in this vteinity,
I shall be happy to see you, and you can depend up
on finding bargains In every departmcDt. Goods je
' ceived every week.
I Respect fully yours,
C. Z>±;i£lCA.
We sit by the window, my baby and I,
In the failing sunset light,
Watching the darkness creep over the sky,
Out of the Eastern night;
We see the stars come trembling out
In the track of the falling sun,
And we feel the quiet within and without,
Tint comes wheu the day is done.
What have we been doing all day, all day,
Fince the rosy morning smiled I
Playing at work, and working at play,
God help us, mother and child ;
But tnutb I fear those little hands
Have put me to shame to-day ;
For God, who is earnest, understands
Truly our work auJ play.
I think of kindness left undine,
That might have brightened the day ;
Of duties dreamed of, but never begun,
Scatter cd along the way ;
You lie with peace in your violet eyes—
You have not learned regret—
For the sorrowful years that make us wise
Have not come to my baby yet.
And still, as 1 sit in this twilight hour,
At the close of a weary day,
Even sorrow and sin do not quite have power,
To keep a blessing away—
A blessing that fails like the dew from Heaven
On the parched and thirsty ground ;
An 1 in loving much, because much forgiven,
Jly deeper peace is found.
Your life, my baby, is just begun,
An 1 tniue is growing old ;
But wo'ro cbilJren boih in the eyes of One
Whose years are all untold ;
lie holds us both in his loving hand,
He pardons all our sins ;
And, by and by, to the same swpet land
lie will gently let us in
Not a a drum was beard, nor a funeral note,
A* bis corpse to oblivion we hurried,
Not a groan escaped a Radical throat
When Negro Suffrage was huriod.
We buried him deep in Michigan soil,
So deep that they ne'er will uncover him,
I'nless some Radicals boring (or oil,
By the dearly loved scent should discover him.
Ills coffin was made of a ballot-box—
With white men's ballots we bound him,
And be looked like a habhoon taking his rest.
With Punts and Tribunes around him.
Few and short were the speeches we made,
And we sung not a doleful ditty :
But his body and spirit together we laid,
Just out of the White Man's City.
An! a? we were hastily tramping back,
'Twaa said if the d—l don't lake him,
llo'll quietly sleep in that grave so deep,
' fill the trumpet of Gabriel shall wake him.
The following rilets from tlie pa
pers of Dr. West, according to liis mem
orandum, are thrown together as way
marks in the journey of life :
Never ridicule sacred things, or what |
others may esteem as such, however ah- ;
surd they may appear lo you.
Never show-levity when people are at
Never resent a supposed injury until i
you know the views auJ motives of the i
Always lake the part of any other per- j
son who is censured in opmpuny, so far as ,
truth :tml propriety will allow.
Never think less of another on account
of his differing with you on political or re
ligious subjects.
Not to dispute with a man who is irore
than seventy years o> age ; nor with a wo
man, nor an enthusiast.
Nor effect to be wittr, or to jest, so as
to wound the feelings of another. To say
as little as possible about myself, and of
those who are near to me. To aim at
cheerfulness without levity.
Never to covet a favor of the rich by
flattering either their vanity or vices.
To peak with deliberation on all occa
sions, especially in circumstances which
tend to irritate.
Frequently to review my conduct and
note my feelings.
Ulysses S. Grant was a little boy,his fath
er bought him a hatchet. Ulysses was so
delighted that ho went about liatchetrng
everything he could find. One fatal day,
after things had been going on thus and
so for more than a week, Ulysses cut down
one of his father's favorite pear trees.—
When the old gentleman saw the ruin of
his favorite pear tree, he went to U. S. and
said :
"U. S., who cut down my favorite pear
"I ear,not tell a lie, father, I cannot tell
; a lie," said Ulysses. "Ben Johnson cut it
down with Lis hatchet."
"My dear son," said the old gentleman,
spankmg him, "I would rather have you
tell a thousand lies than lose so fine a
tree !"
The following rather hard story is
told by a Troy paper : "The other morn
ing a gentleman found in a trap he had
' set a complete rat skin, and—nothing
; more ! The snap had caught the animal by
the nose, and in stiuggling to escape he
walked entirely out of his skin. Attached
|to the skin were portions of the bones of
i the head, the hind feet, and the whole tail,
j Leading from the trap to a hole near hy
I were tracks of blood."
11 To Speak his Thoughts is Every Freeman's Right. "
Biography of the Happy Couple.
A great many years ago—long before it
had entered into the mind of man to build
the Tower of Babel, or lay out the city of
Buffalo, or do many other foolish and
wicked thing—there dwelt in a distant
land a gentleman called Adam, whose sur
name was Firstman, who became enamo
red of a beautiful lady kuown as Eve B.
Cuiled, His attentions appear" to have
been accepted, and reciprocated by the
young lady, and she became convinced
that he was "the only man who she could
ever love," if we may judge by the fol
lowing communication which she made to
John Milton, who followed the rather
singular vocation of advertising things
" lost and found " upon her Father's estate,
" Confirmed then I resolved Adam shall
share with me in bliss or woe ; so dear I
love him, that with him all death I could
endure, wiihout him live no life."
'J his being equivalent to the modest
declaration that the lady is willing that
her lover should begin to "pay her board,"
| airangements were immediately made to
have the union consummated, and in the
absence of any official clergyman, the cer
emony was pciformed in the most simple
and uuosi ntatious manner, in the beauti
ful garden of Eden. The auspicious mo
ment having ariived, the groom took the
white and lit tie hand of his bride, una 1 irn
ed even by a " plain gold, ring, " and,
affectionately imprinting upon it a kiss,
reverently said : " This is now Lone of my
bone, and flesh of my flesh, therefore
shall a man leave his father and mother
and cleave unto his wife, and they shall hy
one flesh." No cards. Thus was joined
in the bonds of wedlock the first couple of
which we have any knowledge. There
was no " rotund, spectacled " father-in
law, no interested mother-in-law, with her
legendary smelling-bottle, and no dear
unmarried aunt present.
Nor was the übiquitous " Jenkins"
there to " wrire up the affair, " so the
readers of the Daily Post Diluvian could
not take in, with their coffee and enkos,
next morning, a detailed account of what
was don", and said, and worn, at the wed
ding, much to the regret, doubtless, of the
jolly Post Diluvians. Bat Jenkins, had
lie been there, would have found it ditii
cult to get up a sensation article, fur there
was an entire absence of the obtrusive dis
play and reckless extravagance upon the
occas ; on refreshing to contemplate. The
outfit of the groom was plain and simple,
perhaps the most noticeable thing about it
being the absence of the "dress coat,"
prescribed on such occasions by " our
iio-t society." The bridal costume was
marki d by perfect simplicity and the ab
sence of all expensive and extravagant
adornmeuts. There must have been some
thing very becoming in this costum-, as
cert iii> ladies in fashionable li'e.at the pres
ent day, imitate it as closely as possible
when in " full dr ss."
Dispensing with the practice now so
prevalent, of indulging in a wedding tour,
and not caring to publicly proclaim them
selves as newly-married by the- occupation
of the bridal chambers in the hotels anil
on sieiwn-cars the happy couple .settled
quietly down to enjoy the cares of mar
ried life in the Garden of Eden, and were
noted for their nlain aud unpretending
manner of living. They kept no carriage
hired no opera-box, gave no costly enter
tainments, but contented themselves with
the simple, inexpensive and satisfactory
pleasures of enjoyment incident to their
circumstances and surroundings. Adam
was a good hu>band ; lie spent his eve
ning;, ( aud a good many of his days ) at
home ;he had no business engagements
" down street " after daik. nor did he be
long to a club, .He spent his evenings at
home with his wile, whom he never hu
miliated by coming home late
with a ' brick m his hat " and a very am
biguous dialect He did not even " color
s meerschaum, " hut retained in his cheeks
the color which else had been transmitted
in deeper hue to the bowl of the pipe.—
His steep was undisturbed by the effects
of ois-ipalibn or the nightmares of the
slock market; hence was calm and refresh
ing. Undoubtedly he was an early li-cr
aud loved the " dewy morn " —as we are
.-are he did " the gentle Eve.' Eve was,
doubtless a very beautiful woman, Mil
ton testifies that " grace was in her steps,
heaven in her eyes, in every gesture dig
nit) and iove." Slie d> served, if any of
her sex ever did, the credit of caring lit
tle for the blandishments of dre.-s. Her
tastes and habits were eminently domestic,
and ibr her in truth there was uo place
like home.
Her amusements w ere fw : she cared
little for operas or balls, but she probably
attended the matinees of nature's songsters
in the open air, where ushers, programmes
and reservi d seats were unknown, and it
is not unlikely she fjequently accompanied
Ad un to see the menagerie or collection
ot animals in the garden. We know that
Adam went, for the Scriptures tell us
that upon one occasion he called the ani
mals names.
Eve so far as we know, spent little time
and money in " shopping, " and it is not
probable that she had ever heard of
" Stewart's, " the Mecca of American wo
man. She never sent Adam to a lestaur
ant for his meals or. Mondays because
they were " washing days," nor made liis
life miserable by a semi-annual " house
cleaning." She was not a heartless wo
man of the world, nor did she ever in
dulge in gossip or scandal; she had no
affiliations with Mrs, Grundy and kindred
spirits, and never troubled herself about
the ownership of any "extra pair of stock
ings" dangling from her neighbor s clothes
line. Eve was frngal. contented and hap
py, moving serenely in first circles, and,
undoubtedly Adam ldVed her devotedly.
Mr. Milton who appeared to have estima
ted the family highly, intimated as much,
and wc have no doubt that lie knew.--
We regret to add that misfortune eventu
ally came upon this happy faniiiv. Eve
unfortunately became involved in a trans
action in fruit—apples principally—iti
which Adam was involved, and their ptop
erty, including the "homestead," passed
out of their possession, and they were
obliged to seek a residence elsewhere.—
From this time we know little about them
except that Adam, by careful attention to
his diet, managed to live to the age of
nine hundred arid thirty, and died in the
prime of manhood, his life being shorten
ed, doubtless, materially by the loss of his
propcrtv. Whether Eve survived hint or
deceased first we cannot say, but presume
she did.
Has she a call to be a wife who thinks
more of her silk dress than her children,
and \i-its her nusety no ofieiur tLan once
a day ?
lias woman a call to be a wife who
spends her time in reading the " latest
novel, " compelling her husband, with a
depleted purse, to hire a domestic to sup
ply her lack of service ?
Has that woman a call to be a wife who
cries for cashmere or camel's, hair shawl
when her husband's notes are protested '<
Has that woman a call to be a wife who
expects her husband to swallow diluted
coffee, soggy bread, smoky tea, and watery
potatoes, six days out of seven ?
Has she a cail to l>e a wife who flirts
with every man she meet*, ami* reserves
the frowns for the home fireside?
Has she a call to ha a wife who conies
down to breakfast in abominable curl pa
pers, a soiled dressing gown, and shoes
down at the heel/ *
Has she a call to be a wife who bores
her husband when he conies into the house
with the history of a broken tea cup or
the possible whereabouts of a missing
broom-handle ?
Has she a call to be a wife whose hus
band's iove weighs nought in the balance
with her next door neighbor's damask
curtains, or velvet carpet ?
Has she a call to be a wife who wonld
take advautagc of a moment of conjugal
weakness to extort money or exact a pro
mise ?
Has she a call to be a wife who takes a
journey for pleasure, leaving her hu?land
to toil in a close office, and " have an eye"
when at home, on her servants ?
Has she a call to be a wife to whom a
husband's society is not the greatest of
earthly blessings ?
Has she a call to be a wife who listens
to outside slander against her husband ?
Mixed up SllgHtly.—Here is a little ,
article from the pen of Mark Twain, giv- j
ing an account of a visit, while in New-
York lo the great Bible House :
Still on the fifth floor is a huge room
with nineteen large Adams' steam presses, ,
all manned bv women ( four of them con- •
founded prettv, too,) snatching off Bibles !
in Dutch, Hebrew, Yam yam, Cherokee,
etc., at a rate that was truly fructifying to |
contemplate. ( I don't know the mean- '
ing of that word, hut I heard it used some- <
where yesterday, and it struck mc as be- ]
ing an unusually good word. Any time
that 1 put in a word that doesn't balance
the sentence good, I would he glad if you 1
would take it out and put in that one,) — '
1 Adjoining was another huge room for
drying the printed sheets ( very pretty
girls in there, and young ) and pressing
them ( the sheers, not the girls.) They
used hydraulic presses, ( thiec of the
prettiest wore curls, and never a sign of a
waterfall —the giils I mean ) and each of
them is able to down with the almost in
credible weight of eight hundred tons of
solid simonpttre pressure, [the* hydraulics
1 am referring to now, of course. ) and one
had got bine eyes, ami both the others
| brown. Ah me! 1 have got this bydrau
: lie business tangled a little, but I can
swear .that it is no fault of mine. You
! needn't go to blame me ahout it. You
; have got to pay just the same as if it
were as straight as a shingle. I can't af
-1 ford to go in dangerous places, and then
-get my wages docked in the bargain.
Soi-D.— A rich old widower in Canada
is said to have practiced a very artful
j scheme to gain the hand of the belie of
| the village. He got an old gipsy to tell
the young lady's fortune which he dictated
j as follows:
" My dear young lady, your star w ill
soon he hid for a short time by a daik
cloud, but when it re-appears it w ill con
tinue to shine with uninterrupted splendor
until the end of your days. Before one
week a wealthy old widower, wearing a
suit of black aud a tine castor hat, will
pay you a visit and request your hand in
marriage. You will accept his oiler, bc
i come his wife, and be left a widow, in
possession of all his property, before the
1 close of the year. The next husband will
j be„the young man of whom you think most
| at present.
i Three days after, the old centlcman,
dressed in the manner described by tbe
gipsy, presented himself to the young lady,
jMid tlie marriage followed. The year is
more than out, but the tough old widow
er still lingers.
! It is about Bor eleven years since ftdks
began to hanker after the Tomatoes.—
About that time some d<>ktor ov pills dis
sekted one of these vagrant vegetables and
discovered some doktor stuff in then),
i As soon az the folks found out they was
fi/.ic, they begun to be very sweet on the
i At that time they was in the habit of
: growing in sly places, where they wasn't
| afraid ; over behind stone walls, among
broken jugs, ded kats, and old ii jun rubber
hoots, for people wonld'nt let them grow
'in gardens enny more than they would a
ikanady tliissel.
j Tliay was vagabond weeds, and even a
woo l hog would'nt eat one ov the berrys
that gr-ows.on them enny quicker than he
would a bawl of red stocking yarn.
But it was decided that timre was sum
i pills in them; and thay was put to muss, in
1 pots and vases, and lived on the pliat of
! t!ic land, in hot houses, along side ov tiger
i lillys and roses of sharon,
| It took most folks 18 months of perse
i veranccand sea sickness to get the toma
| toze to go quiet!v down, and from a vile
i weed more smelling than a deceased clam,
• the tomatur haz a-tooally got tew be moie
j honored than a buckwheat slapjack, or
i even pumpkin pi.
This shows what love and effecshun will
' do.
I liave'nt any doubt that if Professor
Katshane would say profeshionally that
; wasp nests iva- good to make a nmstash
' grow black, half the men in the country
would get a wa-p and go into the nest
; business.
i I don't believe a tomatur will keep a
man enny more healthy than ic I clover
will, hut I am just like every one else, I
| wanted to get some better than I was, and
1 I went to school to the tomatur, and have
got learnt how to eat them, if they are fill
led w'tli salt and pepper and soaked well
in good sider vinegar.
But tomatoze have worked thefnselves i
up into necessary, and 1 am not the man to
injure reputashun, for I believe an innocent;
humbug haz as much light to win (if they
kin) as any oilier man.
1 have seen folks pick tlicm oph from \
the vines in the garden, and eat them right '
down alive. I would as soon undertake
to eat a handful of putty.
There is one thing 1 do hope, that no - j
l>odj- will undertake to make kastor ile one
of ilie luxuries until after i am dead, for
kaster ile and bed bugs iz 2 things that 1
solemnly swear 1 won't have, if 1 git to be
ever so fashionable.
"I was once on Lake Winnepiseogce. in !
the Winter, ti-hi:ig for pickerel," says \
Brown. "It was awful cold ; and the iee !
was four and a half feet thick. Father was !
with me, and while I was thrashing my j
hands to keep'cm warm, I noticed that,
dad had an ail fired hard bite. It was so
hard that, it jerked the old feller through;
the hole in the ice, and I thought .that tie |
was a goner, but just then I remembered j
that dad was awful fond of rum and fobac- |
eo, so Touts witb a piece of niggerhead) a ul |
soaks it in rum for a minute, and then
baits my hook with the weed, and drops
it through the hole what the old gentle— ;
mail went into, and in less than ten min- ,
utes, gentleman, 1 bad a bite, and up hauls
the old man as fresh as ever. But, gentle
men, lie kept the tobacco.
A prolonged whistle on the part of the
audience, as though Brown was not be- t
"It's a fact, gentleman," continued
Brown,"and that reminds me of another 1
story, which I don't, mind tellin'. One 1
Winter I was cro-sin' the lake on the ice
and as I was goin to a raisin'l had an inch
auger in my hand. All at once I thought j
I'd like to see how iliiek the ice was, so ]
bored a hole, and found that it was about:
two feet. Then I thought I'd find out how j
deep the water was, so 1 dropped my'
plumb line through the auger bole, and j
liang nie if T did nt have a savage bite be- j
fore the lea'l touched bottom.
"1 pulled up, and lauded a seven pound
pickerel !"
Another prolonged whistle, and some
one asked Brown how a seven-pound lish
could get through an anger hole.
"That's somethin' .I had notion' to do
with," replied Brown. "All I know is,the
fish was caught and carried home, and I
ate my share of him, and the old gentle- j
man took his part. I don't bother my
head on matters what I can't understand.
And now who'll stand the liquor?"
A toll gate keeper in Efigland was
brought before a magi-trfite for cruelty to
his daughter. The little difficulty arose
from* a discovery made by her parent that
the girl who was frequently left in charge
of the gate, ncd to allow her sweetheart,
a young butcher, to drive his wagon
through free. b<he never tolled her love.®
Dk. Dwreiir and the Farmer.—As
the reverend doctor once passed through
a region of very poor land he said to a
farmer. " Sir I perceive your land here
is very productive."
'• No, sir, " said the farmer, " our land
is just like self-righteousness."
" Ah ! how is that ? "
" Why the more a man has of it the
poorer he is.'' T
Bemember that you are at the
door of eternity, and have other work lo
do Uiau to trifle away time,
TERMS, $2.00 Per. ANNUM, in Advance.
DJist and jJtjifrfoijf.
A Yankee riding on a railfoftd ffffff dispos
ed to astonish the other passengers with
j tough stores. At last he mentioned that
( one of his neighbors owned an immense dairy
and made a million pounds of butter and a
million pounds of cheese yearly. The Yankee
perceiving that his veracity was in danger of
being questioned, appealed to a friend :
"True, isn't it, ilr. 7 I speak of Dea
con Brown.''
"Y-e-s," replied the friend, ' that is, I
know Deacon Brown, though I don't know
a I ever heard precisely lmw many pounds
! of butter and cheese lie makes a year ) but I
know he has twelve saw mills that all go by
butter milk.
An ugly old bachelor suggests that births
1 should be published under the head of "New
| Music."
A little four year-old chiMj fni Port
land, told Ids father be was a fool. On being
reprimanded by his mother, and required to
say he was sorry, he toddled up to the insult
td parent and exclaimed : "Papa, I'm aoriy
vou's a fool."
"I have very Utile respect for the ties of
this world " a* the chap said when the rope
was put round his neck.
TThat is the difference between a man's
bitting his wife's nasal organ, and a woman
knitting stockings ? One hits her nose, the
other knits her hose
There is a story from California of & burg*
lar whs at midnight climbed up a chamber
window and cautiously opened it. The oc
cupant chanced to be awake, heard the noise,
crept softly- to the window, and just as the
robber 1 a face appeared lie preented the
smooth muzzle of a revolver, with the in
junction :
"You get !''
"You bet !"' replied the housebreaker,
dropping to the ground and running off.
There is no more pithy dialogue on record.
"My good fellow," 6aid one man to'anoth
er, slapping him on the shoulder, "you are
one of the men we read of!" "where do yon
read of me "In the police report."
The fellow who went oft for a lark, bro't
back a "turkey."
"That's a pretty go," said the husband
when a beautiful wi'e rah away from him.
Ladies are like watches—pretty enough to
look at—sweet faces and delicate hands, but
somewhat difficult to "regulate" after they
are set a-going.
JOSH BIIUXGS SATS ' The best euro 1
know of for tight boots is small feet."
stupid, what's the next word ? What conies
after cheese ?"
DULL Boy.—"A mouse, sir."
A kiss, says a French lady, costs 'ess, and
gratifies more than anything else in exis*
TIIF. Drrr ERFNCE.— A young lady who
prided herself on her geography, seeing a
candle aslant, remarked, that it reminded her
of the "Leaning Tower of Pisa."
"Yes." responded a wag, "with this differ
ence, that is a tower in Italy, whila this is a
tower in grease."
.7rr E.MI.E CnucsiTV. —"Won't you cut
ooen a penny for me father ?" said a little
girl when she came home from school one
"Cut open a penny 1 "What do voo want
me to do that for ?" asked her father.
" 'Cause," said the little girl, "our teacher
says that in every penny there are four
farthings, and I want to see them."
"Ilurrah for the girls of '7g !"
"Blawst me !" said an Englishman, "that's
too plaguey old. 'o<ray for the girli of IT!"
% r r;
A GOOD ARTICLE,— 4 Doctor, thai ore rat's
bane of your's is first-rate," said a Yankee
to an apothecary.
'Tvuow'd it, know'd it," said the vender of
drugs, evidently well pleased with the flat
tering remark of his customer. "Don't keep
nothing hut first-rate stuff—everything is
"And, doctor, I want to buy another pound
of ye."
"Another pound !" ejaculated the doctor,
with his eyes almost ready to start from
their socket.-, ''what, another pound T'
"Yes, sir, I gin the whole of that pound \
bought the other dsy to a pesky old rat wu (
made it awfully sick, and lam sure anotirer
ponnd will kill him right out."
I . I * . t!
Nimrod, astry : "I say, my good fello*.
| I've missed my way ; cm you tell mo whei*
I am 7" Agriculturist : "Yes, I kin !" Nim
'■ rod : "Thank you ; where am I 1" Agticul
-1 turiat : "whoy, there you bo 1"
NO. 45.