Wyoming democrat. (Tunkhannock, Wyoming Co., Pa.) 1867-1940, June 17, 1868, Image 1
JJARVEY SICKLER, Publisher. VOL. VII. lUpmiiij gtiwtat X Democrat!® weekly v paper ,icvoted to Poll - 4 .., News, .ho Arts J| f I & „,i - ienrcsir. Pub- g ' 1 -he 1 every \\ o lines- j x ' j.iv. Nt Tunkbannoek £73 I H'v ,iin County, Pa /y " ' law? LI J" £Y HARVEY SICKIES Tor ms—l ropy 1 year, (in advance) 52,00 ; if bo t j a ill within sis uionths, 82.50 will be charged X l '4l per will be DISCONTINUED, until all ar rea--)gesro pail; unless at the option of publisher. R ATES OF "ADVERTISING. TKN MS KB CONSTITUTE A SQUARE. One square one or three insertions $1 50 Every subsequent insertion leas than 8 50 , LKALESTATE. PERSONAL PROPERTY, and GENERAL ADVERTISINO, as uiay be agreed iq>->n, PUKNT Mi:mn>i:s and other advertisements oy the column : One column, 1 year, SCO Ibilf column, 1 year 35 Third column, 1 year, 25 Fourth column, I year, 20 llu -ines* Cards of one square or less, per year r:tb paper, 3S. f" '' E TUTORIAL or LorAi. ITEM a Ivertising—with er Advertisement —15 cts. per line. Liberal terms pi 'e with permanent advertisers . I XliCrrORS, ADMIXISTitATU ];S and AUDI TOR'S NOTICES, of the usual length, £2,50 ORTTUAKIE I *.- exceeding ten tin"?, eaeh : RET.I 6P.ii and LITERARY NOTICES, not of genera! rterest, one half tno regular rates. A Ivortivoaients tuust be handed in hy TUES iay N >;M, to insure insertion the same week. JOU WORK sftE kinds neatly executed and at prices to suit t'-.e 1 mes. VI TRANSIENT ADVERTISEMENTS and JOB Wottfv u ut be paid for, when ordered Business Notices. J R.FT W.ELITTLR ATTORNEYS" AT Ik LAW udi 'eon Tioga Street Tunkhannock Pa H*. COOPER, PHYSICIAN I SI KG EON • Newton Centre, Lurcrne County Pa. 1.. PASKKI, ATTORNEY AT LAW. I'• • tl; eat the Court House, in Tunkhanock V. i :.! ,;g C... Pa. n ti. IN. PUTT, ATTORNEY AT LAWUf ti,e in Stark's Brick Block Tioga St., Tunk IL'Jlock, Pa 'j J 111 l*L. ATTUHM-Y AMM I'l NSEL -1 • LOR AT LAW, Nicholson, Wyoming Co-, Pa L-jtrial utlenlioa given to settlement of dece d. • estates V. holson, P. Dee. 5, 13(j7—v7a!9,yl At J- W II,SON, AT TORN FY AT LAW, Col I'll letting awl Real L.-tate Agent. lowa Lands Mr saie. Scranton, Pa. 38tL j H. IHIUDM, PHYSICIAN t SURGEON, J. will attend promptly to all calls in his pro : "i.ii. May lie found at his Office at the Drug ■ ur at his residence on Putinan erect, formerly • apied by A. K. Pcckhatu Esq. DEHTI3TRY. ~ A \£ Z Z PAR. I. T. BERKS has permanently located in ' TunkliannocH Borough, and res|>ectfally tender? fc professional services to its citizens. "ii e on second floor, formerly occupied by Dr. a ''cm. >•>!! illtf. PORTRAIT, LANDSCAPE, ANli A "5? >T 2 Tof T* TCf 2 Xi I'M Jrx. HX. Xi x\ a AAt ryvxivTiivG 7iy V". UrOEJi, Art isf. ? orn* over the WyomiDg National bank,in Stark's Lnklll—k, 'J'UNKF lAN'NOCK, PA. Life-size Portraits painted from Amhrr,types or 1' ■ 'ii |b -'hotograths Painted in OilCilors. — A: r tcrsf'or paintings executed according to or is "r no charge made. t £,*" Instructions given in Drawing, Sketching, 1' trait an I Landscape Painting, in Oil or water 0 ! rs. an I in all branches of the art, Tunk , July 31, '(,7 -vgnaO-tf. HUITORIJ HOUSE. TUNXHANNOCK. WYOMING CO., PA. r PRIS ESTABLISHMENT HAS RECENTLY 1 oc.-n rcfitte lan 1 lurnisheil in the latest style, laer; at lent ion will bo given to the comfort and 1 aveuicnee of those who patronize ttie House, H, HVFFORD Proprietor. Tunkhannmk, Pa., Juuc i7, 1363. v7nll. BOLTON HOUSE. HAHIUSHFItG, PENNA. The undersigned having lately purchased the ' Tit LIIi.UR HOUSE " property, has already com- U.-1: e l su.-h alterations and improvements as i|| re . ier this old and popular House e<|Ual, if not supe n r. to any Hotel in the City of ilarrishurg. A I'ooiinuanee of the public patronage is refpcct fully solicited. GEO. J. BOI.TON WALL'S HOTEL, LATE AMERICAN HOUSE/ TLXKIIANXOCK, WYOMING CO., PA. THIS establishment has recently been refitted an I l'urnisho lin the latest style Every attention * given to the comfort and convenience ol those i patronize the ilou'e. t T. B. WALL, Owner and Proprietor : Tunkhannock, September 11, 1861. MEANS' HOTEL. TOWANTDA, PA . )>■ B. BARTLET, (Late oli. ■'BRAINARIi Ilot'Sß, ELMIRA, X- Y. PItOPKIETOK. T he MEANS HOTEL, Done of the LARGEST •ad REST ARRANGED Houses in the country—lt '' luicd up in the ruost modern and improved style •■'■ lno pains are spared to make it a pleasautand a o r ec.ii,ie -topping piuce for all, 131i21-ly. Commercial College.—The suoeess of Gard fePs Ras mews College an Ladies' Academy, at " ranton, 1:,. surpassed all expectation The cowrae of study is more thorough -the terms are cheaper— •r> 1 give better satisfaction than any other College • toe kind in Northern Pennsylvania. Lilc Scbol "xhip J>3s CO. Clubs at reduced rates. Seud lor ' liege Paper giving full particulars. Address J. A Gardner, Frineipat, Scranton, fa- uTnlUyl TUKKHANKOCK, WYOMING CO., PA.-WEDNESDAY. JUNE 17, 1808. Jletritk's Column. Spring Trade for '6B Will open on or about the Ist of May, AT TUIHAiOCK, PENN'A. C. Detrick, (SUCCESSOR TO BUNNELL 4 BANNATVHE,) Proposes to establish himself permanently in trade at this place, at the Brick store house in Sam'l Stark's Block, where by fair dealing and fair prices he expects to merit and receive the public patronage. a :o: Attention is called to the following in Dry Goods : SILKS, POPLINS, ALPACAS, LUSTRES, DELAINES. GINGHAMS, PRINTS, SHAWLS, LADIES' SACAUIXGS, DRESS TRIMMINGS, BLEACHED AND BROWN MUSLINS, CLOTHS AND CASSIMKRE.B GENTS' FURNISHING GOODS, TOILET ARTICLES. NOTIONS, AC. Groceries. SUGAR, TEA, COFFEE, MOLASSES, RICE, SYRUP, CANDLES, SOAP, STARCH, FLOUR, . FEED, I ? SALT, PORK, j BUTTER, ■ CHEESE, DRIED BEEF, IIAMS, FISH of all kinds, BEANS, AC., AC., :o:——— Hardware, A FULL ASSORTMENT. Cutlery OF ALL KINDS, : MEN'S AND BOYS' Hats and Caps. :n; __ Boots §' Shoes, A FULL ASSORTMENT. This branch of business made a speciality. A lot of SEWED ARMY SHOES, A ORE AT BARGAIN, SOLE LEATHER. CROCKERY. STONE, WOOD AND TIN HARE, in greut variety. All kind, ol Produce taken in exchange lor Goods. The above articles will be kept in full assortment. I mean to make the experiment of goods sold in quantites cheaper than ever before in this vteinity, I shall be happy to see you, and you can depend up on finding bargains In every departmcDt. Goods je ' ceived every week. I Respect fully yours, C. Z>±;i£lCA. iuftry. AT TWILIGHT. We sit by the window, my baby and I, In the failing sunset light, Watching the darkness creep over the sky, Out of the Eastern night; We see the stars come trembling out In the track of the falling sun, And we feel the quiet within and without, Tint comes wheu the day is done. What have we been doing all day, all day, Fince the rosy morning smiled I Playing at work, and working at play, God help us, mother and child ; But tnutb I fear those little hands Have put me to shame to-day ; For God, who is earnest, understands Truly our work auJ play. I think of kindness left undine, That might have brightened the day ; Of duties dreamed of, but never begun, Scatter cd along the way ; You lie with peace in your violet eyes— You have not learned regret— For the sorrowful years that make us wise Have not come to my baby yet. And still, as 1 sit in this twilight hour, At the close of a weary day, Even sorrow and sin do not quite have power, To keep a blessing away— A blessing that fails like the dew from Heaven On the parched and thirsty ground ; An 1 in loving much, because much forgiven, Jly deeper peace is found. Your life, my baby, is just begun, An 1 tniue is growing old ; But wo'ro cbilJren boih in the eyes of One Whose years are all untold ; lie holds us both in his loving hand, He pardons all our sins ; And, by and by, to the same swpet land lie will gently let us in THE SONG THEY SING IN MICHIGAN. Not a a drum was beard, nor a funeral note, A* bis corpse to oblivion we hurried, Not a groan escaped a Radical throat When Negro Suffrage was huriod. We buried him deep in Michigan soil, So deep that they ne'er will uncover him, I'nless some Radicals boring (or oil, By the dearly loved scent should discover him. Ills coffin was made of a ballot-box— With white men's ballots we bound him, And be looked like a habhoon taking his rest. With Punts and Tribunes around him. Few and short were the speeches we made, And we sung not a doleful ditty : But his body and spirit together we laid, Just out of the White Man's City. An! a? we were hastily tramping back, 'Twaa said if the d—l don't lake him, llo'll quietly sleep in that grave so deep, ' fill the trumpet of Gabriel shall wake him. The following rilets from tlie pa pers of Dr. West, according to liis mem orandum, are thrown together as way marks in the journey of life : Never ridicule sacred things, or what | others may esteem as such, however ah- ; surd they may appear lo you. Never show-levity when people are at worship. Never resent a supposed injury until i you know the views auJ motives of the i author. Always lake the part of any other per- j son who is censured in opmpuny, so far as , truth :tml propriety will allow. Never think less of another on account of his differing with you on political or re ligious subjects. Not to dispute with a man who is irore than seventy years o> age ; nor with a wo man, nor an enthusiast. Nor effect to be wittr, or to jest, so as to wound the feelings of another. To say as little as possible about myself, and of those who are near to me. To aim at cheerfulness without levity. Never to covet a favor of the rich by flattering either their vanity or vices. To peak with deliberation on all occa sions, especially in circumstances which tend to irritate. Frequently to review my conduct and note my feelings. GRANT AND IUS IIATCIIET.—When Ulysses S. Grant was a little boy,his fath er bought him a hatchet. Ulysses was so delighted that ho went about liatchetrng everything he could find. One fatal day, after things had been going on thus and so for more than a week, Ulysses cut down one of his father's favorite pear trees.— When the old gentleman saw the ruin of his favorite pear tree, he went to U. S. and said : "U. S., who cut down my favorite pear tree "I ear,not tell a lie, father, I cannot tell ; a lie," said Ulysses. "Ben Johnson cut it down with Lis hatchet." "My dear son," said the old gentleman, spankmg him, "I would rather have you tell a thousand lies than lose so fine a tree !" The following rather hard story is told by a Troy paper : "The other morn ing a gentleman found in a trap he had ' set a complete rat skin, and—nothing ; more ! The snap had caught the animal by the nose, and in stiuggling to escape he walked entirely out of his skin. Attached |to the skin were portions of the bones of i the head, the hind feet, and the whole tail, j Leading from the trap to a hole near hy I were tracks of blood." 11 To Speak his Thoughts is Every Freeman's Right. " THE FIRST WEDDING : Biography of the Happy Couple. BY A DISTANT RELATIVE. A great many years ago—long before it had entered into the mind of man to build the Tower of Babel, or lay out the city of Buffalo, or do many other foolish and wicked thing—there dwelt in a distant land a gentleman called Adam, whose sur name was Firstman, who became enamo red of a beautiful lady kuown as Eve B. Cuiled, His attentions appear" to have been accepted, and reciprocated by the young lady, and she became convinced that he was "the only man who she could ever love," if we may judge by the fol lowing communication which she made to John Milton, who followed the rather singular vocation of advertising things " lost and found " upon her Father's estate, " Confirmed then I resolved Adam shall share with me in bliss or woe ; so dear I love him, that with him all death I could endure, wiihout him live no life." 'J his being equivalent to the modest declaration that the lady is willing that her lover should begin to "pay her board," | airangements were immediately made to have the union consummated, and in the absence of any official clergyman, the cer emony was pciformed in the most simple and uuosi ntatious manner, in the beauti ful garden of Eden. The auspicious mo ment having ariived, the groom took the white and lit tie hand of his bride, una 1 irn ed even by a " plain gold, ring, " and, affectionately imprinting upon it a kiss, reverently said : " This is now Lone of my bone, and flesh of my flesh, therefore shall a man leave his father and mother and cleave unto his wife, and they shall hy one flesh." No cards. Thus was joined in the bonds of wedlock the first couple of which we have any knowledge. There was no " rotund, spectacled " father-in law, no interested mother-in-law, with her legendary smelling-bottle, and no dear unmarried aunt present. Nor was the übiquitous " Jenkins" there to " wrire up the affair, " so the readers of the Daily Post Diluvian could not take in, with their coffee and enkos, next morning, a detailed account of what was don", and said, and worn, at the wed ding, much to the regret, doubtless, of the jolly Post Diluvians. Bat Jenkins, had lie been there, would have found it ditii cult to get up a sensation article, fur there was an entire absence of the obtrusive dis play and reckless extravagance upon the occas ; on refreshing to contemplate. The outfit of the groom was plain and simple, perhaps the most noticeable thing about it being the absence of the "dress coat," prescribed on such occasions by " our iio-t society." The bridal costume was marki d by perfect simplicity and the ab sence of all expensive and extravagant adornmeuts. There must have been some thing very becoming in this costum-, as cert iii> ladies in fashionable li'e.at the pres ent day, imitate it as closely as possible when in " full dr ss." Dispensing with the practice now so prevalent, of indulging in a wedding tour, and not caring to publicly proclaim them selves as newly-married by the- occupation of the bridal chambers in the hotels anil on sieiwn-cars the happy couple .settled quietly down to enjoy the cares of mar ried life in the Garden of Eden, and were noted for their nlain aud unpretending manner of living. They kept no carriage hired no opera-box, gave no costly enter tainments, but contented themselves with the simple, inexpensive and satisfactory pleasures of enjoyment incident to their circumstances and surroundings. Adam was a good hu>band ; lie spent his eve ning;, ( aud a good many of his days ) at home ;he had no business engagements " down street " after daik. nor did he be long to a club, .He spent his evenings at home with his wile, whom he never hu miliated by coming home late with a ' brick m his hat " and a very am biguous dialect He did not even " color s meerschaum, " hut retained in his cheeks the color which else had been transmitted in deeper hue to the bowl of the pipe.— His steep was undisturbed by the effects of ois-ipalibn or the nightmares of the slock market; hence was calm and refresh ing. Undoubtedly he was an early li-cr aud loved the " dewy morn " —as we are .-are he did " the gentle Eve.' Eve was, doubtless a very beautiful woman, Mil ton testifies that " grace was in her steps, heaven in her eyes, in every gesture dig nit) and iove." Slie d> served, if any of her sex ever did, the credit of caring lit tle for the blandishments of dre.-s. Her tastes and habits were eminently domestic, and ibr her in truth there was uo place like home. Her amusements w ere fw : she cared little for operas or balls, but she probably attended the matinees of nature's songsters in the open air, where ushers, programmes and reservi d seats were unknown, and it is not unlikely she fjequently accompanied Ad un to see the menagerie or collection ot animals in the garden. We know that Adam went, for the Scriptures tell us that upon one occasion he called the ani mals names. Eve so far as we know, spent little time and money in " shopping, " and it is not probable that she had ever heard of " Stewart's, " the Mecca of American wo man. She never sent Adam to a lestaur ant for his meals or. Mondays because they were " washing days," nor made liis life miserable by a semi-annual " house cleaning." She was not a heartless wo man of the world, nor did she ever in dulge in gossip or scandal; she had no affiliations with Mrs, Grundy and kindred spirits, and never troubled herself about the ownership of any "extra pair of stock ings" dangling from her neighbor s clothes line. Eve was frngal. contented and hap py, moving serenely in first circles, and, undoubtedly Adam ldVed her devotedly. Mr. Milton who appeared to have estima ted the family highly, intimated as much, and wc have no doubt that lie knew.-- We regret to add that misfortune eventu ally came upon this happy faniiiv. Eve unfortunately became involved in a trans action in fruit—apples principally—iti which Adam was involved, and their ptop erty, including the "homestead," passed out of their possession, and they were obliged to seek a residence elsewhere.— From this time we know little about them except that Adam, by careful attention to his diet, managed to live to the age of nine hundred arid thirty, and died in the prime of manhood, his life being shorten ed, doubtless, materially by the loss of his propcrtv. Whether Eve survived hint or deceased first we cannot say, but presume she did. HAS SHE A CALL ? Has she a call to be a wife who thinks more of her silk dress than her children, and \i-its her nusety no ofieiur tLan once a day ? lias woman a call to be a wife who spends her time in reading the " latest novel, " compelling her husband, with a depleted purse, to hire a domestic to sup ply her lack of service ? Has that woman a call to be a wife who cries for cashmere or camel's, hair shawl when her husband's notes are protested '< Has that woman a call to be a wife who expects her husband to swallow diluted coffee, soggy bread, smoky tea, and watery potatoes, six days out of seven ? Has she a cail to l>e a wife who flirts with every man she meet*, ami* reserves the frowns for the home fireside? Has she a call to ha a wife who conies down to breakfast in abominable curl pa pers, a soiled dressing gown, and shoes down at the heel/ * Has she a call to be a wife who bores her husband when he conies into the house with the history of a broken tea cup or the possible whereabouts of a missing broom-handle ? Has she a call to be a wife whose hus band's iove weighs nought in the balance with her next door neighbor's damask curtains, or velvet carpet ? Has she a call to be a wife who wonld take advautagc of a moment of conjugal weakness to extort money or exact a pro mise ? Has she a call to be a wife who takes a journey for pleasure, leaving her hu?land to toil in a close office, and " have an eye" when at home, on her servants ? Has she a call to be a wife to whom a husband's society is not the greatest of earthly blessings ? Has she a call to be a wife who listens to outside slander against her husband ? Mixed up SllgHtly.—Here is a little , article from the pen of Mark Twain, giv- j ing an account of a visit, while in New- York lo the great Bible House : Still on the fifth floor is a huge room with nineteen large Adams' steam presses, , all manned bv women ( four of them con- • founded prettv, too,) snatching off Bibles ! in Dutch, Hebrew, Yam yam, Cherokee, etc., at a rate that was truly fructifying to | contemplate. ( I don't know the mean- ' ing of that word, hut I heard it used some- < where yesterday, and it struck mc as be- ] ing an unusually good word. Any time that 1 put in a word that doesn't balance the sentence good, I would he glad if you 1 would take it out and put in that one,) — ' 1 Adjoining was another huge room for drying the printed sheets ( very pretty girls in there, and young ) and pressing them ( the sheers, not the girls.) They used hydraulic presses, ( thiec of the prettiest wore curls, and never a sign of a waterfall —the giils I mean ) and each of them is able to down with the almost in credible weight of eight hundred tons of solid simonpttre pressure, [the* hydraulics 1 am referring to now, of course. ) and one had got bine eyes, ami both the others | brown. Ah me! 1 have got this bydrau : lie business tangled a little, but I can swear .that it is no fault of mine. You ! needn't go to blame me ahout it. You ; have got to pay just the same as if it were as straight as a shingle. I can't af -1 ford to go in dangerous places, and then -get my wages docked in the bargain. Soi-D.— A rich old widower in Canada is said to have practiced a very artful j scheme to gain the hand of the belie of | the village. He got an old gipsy to tell the young lady's fortune which he dictated j as follows: " My dear young lady, your star w ill soon he hid for a short time by a daik cloud, but when it re-appears it w ill con tinue to shine with uninterrupted splendor until the end of your days. Before one week a wealthy old widower, wearing a suit of black aud a tine castor hat, will pay you a visit and request your hand in marriage. You will accept his oiler, bc i come his wife, and be left a widow, in possession of all his property, before the 1 close of the year. The next husband will j be„the young man of whom you think most | at present. i Three days after, the old centlcman, dressed in the manner described by tbe gipsy, presented himself to the young lady, jMid tlie marriage followed. The year is more than out, but the tough old widow er still lingers. JOSH BILLIJVGS ON TOMATOES. ! It is about Bor eleven years since ftdks began to hanker after the Tomatoes.— About that time some d<>ktor ov pills dis sekted one of these vagrant vegetables and discovered some doktor stuff in then), i As soon az the folks found out they was fi/.ic, they begun to be very sweet on the tomater. i At that time they was in the habit of : growing in sly places, where they wasn't | afraid ; over behind stone walls, among broken jugs, ded kats, and old ii jun rubber hoots, for people wonld'nt let them grow 'in gardens enny more than they would a ikanady tliissel. j Tliay was vagabond weeds, and even a woo l hog would'nt eat one ov the berrys that gr-ows.on them enny quicker than he would a bawl of red stocking yarn. But it was decided that timre was sum i pills in them; and thay was put to muss, in 1 pots and vases, and lived on the pliat of ! t!ic land, in hot houses, along side ov tiger i lillys and roses of sharon, | It took most folks 18 months of perse i veranccand sea sickness to get the toma | toze to go quiet!v down, and from a vile i weed more smelling than a deceased clam, • the tomatur haz a-tooally got tew be moie j honored than a buckwheat slapjack, or i even pumpkin pi. This shows what love and effecshun will ' do. I liave'nt any doubt that if Professor Katshane would say profeshionally that ; wasp nests iva- good to make a nmstash ' grow black, half the men in the country would get a wa-p and go into the nest ; business. i I don't believe a tomatur will keep a man enny more healthy than ic I clover will, hut I am just like every one else, I | wanted to get some better than I was, and 1 I went to school to the tomatur, and have got learnt how to eat them, if they are fill led w'tli salt and pepper and soaked well in good sider vinegar. But tomatoze have worked thefnselves i up into necessary, and 1 am not the man to injure reputashun, for I believe an innocent; humbug haz as much light to win (if they kin) as any oilier man. 1 have seen folks pick tlicm oph from \ the vines in the garden, and eat them right ' down alive. I would as soon undertake to eat a handful of putty. There is one thing 1 do hope, that no - j l>odj- will undertake to make kastor ile one of ilie luxuries until after i am dead, for kaster ile and bed bugs iz 2 things that 1 solemnly swear 1 won't have, if 1 git to be ever so fashionable. EXTRAORDINARY FISHING. "I was once on Lake Winnepiseogce. in ! the Winter, ti-hi:ig for pickerel," says \ Brown. "It was awful cold ; and the iee ! was four and a half feet thick. Father was ! with me, and while I was thrashing my j hands to keep'cm warm, I noticed that, dad had an ail fired hard bite. It was so hard that, it jerked the old feller through; the hole in the ice, and I thought .that tie | was a goner, but just then I remembered j that dad was awful fond of rum and fobac- | eo, so Touts witb a piece of niggerhead) a ul | soaks it in rum for a minute, and then baits my hook with the weed, and drops it through the hole what the old gentle— ; mail went into, and in less than ten min- , utes, gentleman, 1 bad a bite, and up hauls the old man as fresh as ever. But, gentle men, lie kept the tobacco. A prolonged whistle on the part of the audience, as though Brown was not be- t lieved. "It's a fact, gentleman," continued Brown,"and that reminds me of another 1 story, which I don't, mind tellin'. One 1 Winter I was cro-sin' the lake on the ice and as I was goin to a raisin'l had an inch auger in my hand. All at once I thought j I'd like to see how iliiek the ice was, so ] bored a hole, and found that it was about: two feet. Then I thought I'd find out how j deep the water was, so 1 dropped my' plumb line through the auger bole, and j liang nie if T did nt have a savage bite be- j fore the lea'l touched bottom. "1 pulled up, and lauded a seven pound pickerel !" Another prolonged whistle, and some one asked Brown how a seven-pound lish could get through an anger hole. "That's somethin' .I had notion' to do with," replied Brown. "All I know is,the fish was caught and carried home, and I ate my share of him, and the old gentle- j man took his part. I don't bother my head on matters what I can't understand. And now who'll stand the liquor?" A toll gate keeper in Efigland was brought before a magi-trfite for cruelty to his daughter. The little difficulty arose from* a discovery made by her parent that the girl who was frequently left in charge of the gate, ncd to allow her sweetheart, a young butcher, to drive his wagon through free. b<he never tolled her love.® Dk. Dwreiir and the Farmer.—As the reverend doctor once passed through a region of very poor land he said to a farmer. " Sir I perceive your land here is very productive." '• No, sir, " said the farmer, " our land is just like self-righteousness." " Ah ! how is that ? " " Why the more a man has of it the poorer he is.'' T Bemember that you are at the door of eternity, and have other work lo do Uiau to trifle away time, TERMS, $2.00 Per. ANNUM, in Advance. DJist and jJtjifrfoijf. A Yankee riding on a railfoftd ffffff dispos ed to astonish the other passengers with j tough stores. At last he mentioned that ( one of his neighbors owned an immense dairy and made a million pounds of butter and a million pounds of cheese yearly. The Yankee perceiving that his veracity was in danger of being questioned, appealed to a friend : "True, isn't it, ilr. 7 I speak of Dea con Brown.'' "Y-e-s," replied the friend, ' that is, I know Deacon Brown, though I don't know a I ever heard precisely lmw many pounds ! of butter and cheese lie makes a year ) but I know he has twelve saw mills that all go by butter milk. An ugly old bachelor suggests that births 1 should be published under the head of "New | Music." A little four year-old chiMj fni Port land, told Ids father be was a fool. On being reprimanded by his mother, and required to say he was sorry, he toddled up to the insult td parent and exclaimed : "Papa, I'm aoriy vou's a fool." "I have very Utile respect for the ties of this world " a* the chap said when the rope was put round his neck. TThat is the difference between a man's bitting his wife's nasal organ, and a woman knitting stockings ? One hits her nose, the other knits her hose There is a story from California of & burg* lar whs at midnight climbed up a chamber window and cautiously opened it. The oc cupant chanced to be awake, heard the noise, crept softly- to the window, and just as the robber 1 a face appeared lie preented the smooth muzzle of a revolver, with the in junction : "You get !'' "You bet !"' replied the housebreaker, dropping to the ground and running off. There is no more pithy dialogue on record. "My good fellow," 6aid one man to'anoth er, slapping him on the shoulder, "you are one of the men we read of!" "where do yon read of me "In the police report." .► The fellow who went oft for a lark, bro't back a "turkey." "That's a pretty go," said the husband when a beautiful wi'e rah away from him. Ladies are like watches—pretty enough to look at—sweet faces and delicate hands, but somewhat difficult to "regulate" after they are set a-going. JOSH BIIUXGS SATS ' The best euro 1 know of for tight boots is small feet." IHKITATSI-E SCHOOLMASTER. —"Now, then, stupid, what's the next word ? What conies after cheese ?" DULL Boy.—"A mouse, sir." A kiss, says a French lady, costs 'ess, and gratifies more than anything else in exis* tcnce. TIIF. Drrr ERFNCE.— A young lady who prided herself on her geography, seeing a candle aslant, remarked, that it reminded her of the "Leaning Tower of Pisa." "Yes." responded a wag, "with this differ ence, that is a tower in Italy, whila this is a tower in grease." .7rr E.MI.E CnucsiTV. —"Won't you cut ooen a penny for me father ?" said a little girl when she came home from school one day. "Cut open a penny 1 "What do voo want me to do that for ?" asked her father. " 'Cause," said the little girl, "our teacher says that in every penny there are four farthings, and I want to see them." "Ilurrah for the girls of '7g !" "Blawst me !" said an Englishman, "that's too plaguey old. 'o<ray for the girli of IT!" % r r; A GOOD ARTICLE,— 4 Doctor, thai ore rat's bane of your's is first-rate," said a Yankee to an apothecary. 'Tvuow'd it, know'd it," said the vender of drugs, evidently well pleased with the flat tering remark of his customer. "Don't keep nothing hut first-rate stuff—everything is prime." "And, doctor, I want to buy another pound of ye." "Another pound !" ejaculated the doctor, with his eyes almost ready to start from their socket.-, ''what, another pound T' "Yes, sir, I gin the whole of that pound \ bought the other dsy to a pesky old rat wu ( made it awfully sick, and lam sure anotirer ponnd will kill him right out." I . I * . t! I Nimrod, astry : "I say, my good fello*. | I've missed my way ; cm you tell mo whei* I am 7" Agriculturist : "Yes, I kin !" Nim '■ rod : "Thank you ; where am I 1" Agticul -1 turiat : "whoy, there you bo 1" NO. 45.