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JJARVEY SICK.LER, Publisher
A Democratic weekly _ —. - &
paper devoted to Poll f~
tics News, the Arts ,
nd Sciences Ac. Pub- T" JfiZ: A
li.hed every Wednea- ' i ' ' iSssk
* a 7> at Tunkhannock "Tj£-
Wyoming County, Pa U i
BY HARVEY SICKLER
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KK.itiV EIdTTbM ATTORNEYS AT
LAW Office on Tioga Street Tunkuunuoclt Pa
HS. COOPER, PHYSICIAN A SURGEON
• Newton Centre, Luzerne County Pa.
0 1., PAIIHSH, ATTORNEY AT LAW.
* Off. eat the Court House, in Tunkhanock
Wy ming Co. Pa.
J>U M.V'tA 11, ALIUKNEL Ai LA W of
fice in Stark's Brick Block Tioga St., Tunk
tp J CEASE. ATTORNEY AND COUNSEL-
As LOB AT LAW, Nicholson, Wyoming Co-, Pa
Especial attention given to settlement of dece
Nicholson, Pa. Dee. 5, 18^7— v"ul9yl
WJ. WILSON, ATTORN FY AT LAW, Cat
• lecting and Real Estate Ageut. lowa Lands
fer sale. Scranton, Pa. 38it.
T W . HtlllADH, PHYSICIAN A SURGEON,
J • will attend prom; tly to H " ca "s in his pro
fession. May lie tound at his Office at the Drug
Store, or at his residence on Putuian.Sreet, formerly
eccupied by A. K. Pe.-kbam E?q.
DR. L T. BURNS has permanently located in
Tunkhannoce Borough, and respectfully tenders
hla professional services to its citizens.
Office on second floor, formerly occupied by Dr.
•JJy jr. HUG&n, A r/ist.
Roomsover the Wyoming National bank,in Stark's
Life-size Portraits painted frotn Ambmtypes or
Photographs—Photographs Painted in Oil C< tors. —
All orders for paintings executed according to or
der, or no charge made.
rr Instructions given in Drawing. Sketching,
Portrait and Landscape Painting, in Oil or water
Colore, and in all branches of the art,
Tuok, July 3!, V -vgnSO tf.
• HAKLTLSLILTKO, PKNNA.
The undersigned having lately pur< based the
" BUEHLER HOUSE " property, has already cotn
nsenced such alterations and improvements as will
render this old and popular House rqual, if r.ot supe
rior, to any Hotel in the Citv of Harris!,urg.
A continuance of tho public patronage is refpect
GEO. J. BOLTON
LATE AMERICAN HOUSE,
TUNKHANNOCK, WYOMING CO., I'A.
THIS establishment has recently been refitted an
furnished in the latest style Every attention
will he given to the comfort and convenience of those
wao patronize the Houe
T. B. WALL, Owner and Proprietor";
Tunkhannock, September 11. IBGI.
P. B- BARTLET,
(Lateott.. "BRAIVARK Hoc**, ktntEA, K. Y
The MEANS HOTEL, i- one of tne LARGEST
nd BEST ARRANGED Houses in the country—lt
is fitted up in the most modern and improved style
And no pains are spared to make it a pleasantand
Agreeable stopping piace for all,
Commercial College.—-The sueeesa of Gard
ner's Business College and Ladies' Academy, at
Scranton, has surpass el all expectation. The course
of study is more thorough -the terms are cheaper —
an 1 give better satisfaction than any other College
f tne kind in Northern Pennsylvania Lite Scbol
orship $45 00. Clubs at reduced rates. Send fSr
aollege Paper giving full particulars. Address J.
0 Gardner. Principal, Scranton, Pa. u7nloyl
Information guaranteed to produce a luxuriant
growth of hair upon a bald bead or beardless face,
also a recipe tor the removal of Pimples, Blotches,
Erup-ioas, et ,on the skin, leaving the same solt
clear, aud beautiful, can be obtained without charge
THO3. F CHAPMAN, Chemist.
482 Broads ay, New York.
TUNKHANNOCK, WYOMING CO., PA.-WEDNESDAY, .TUNE 10, 1808.
Spring Trade for '6B
Will open on or about the Ist of May,
AT TUNKHANNOCK. PENN'A.
(SI CCKSSOB TO BUNNELL A BANNATYNK,)
Proposes to establish himself permanently
in trade at this place, at the Brick
store house in Sam'l Stark's Block,
where by fair dealing and fair
prices he expects to merit and
receive the public patronage.
Attention is called to the following in
Dry Goods :
BLEACHED AND BROWN MUSLINS,
CLOTHS AND CASSIMERES
GENTS' FURNISHING GOODS,
FISH of Ell kind*,
A FULL ASSORTMENT.
OF ALL KINDS,
MEN'S AND BOYS'
Hats and Caps.
. :o; —-—-
Boots $f Shoes,
A FULL ASSORTMENT.
This brunch of busmen made a speciality. A lot of
SEWED ARMY SHOES,
A GREAT BARGAIN,
in great variety.
All kinds of Prodaoe taken in exchange for Goods.
The above articles wilt be kept in full assortment.
I mean to make the experiment of goods sold in
qoantites cheaper than ever before ia thi* vicinity,
I shall be beppy to see you, and yen caa depend np
on finding bargains to every department, Goods re
ceived every week.
Respectfully yon re,
Written for the Democrat.
THE TOILER'S DREAM.
BT STELLA OF LACKAWANNA.
With the sunset's flush on her fa led hair,
A numan leans from hor lattice low,
And a face deep-lined, that was once so fair
In the beautiful long ago.
Care leans from the lattice too,
Close by her side, all gaunt and grim,
Tugging her gown with a fretful frown,
But her gaze is not lor him.
Something lureth it still beyond—
Off where the sun-mist drapes the hill,
Sill never she heeds the household needs,
But dreamfully gazes still.
For, white as the gleatn of silver sands,
Where the moonlight sports on the silent shore,
A cottage looms, and her patient sire
Rests thoughtfully by the door
And, bumming a cradle lullaby,
Another, and meeker and weaker one,
Foldetb a babe in its morning sleep,
In the red of the evening sun.
And there—'tis her own child- self the sees
Wandering on with a careless air,
Wreathing flowers from the meadow blooms,
To wind in her shining hair.
But Love went roaming the summer woods
To hide from the yellow and glaring sun,
And her heart was caught in the tangled thread
Of the web the sly rogue spun.
And a shadow talis 'neath the maple trees.
Over the old house beading low.
And a lover talks with his tender eyes ;
Ah the beautiful long ago !
And well defined in the moving mist,
The wooer and the won watk side by side,
And she, on the morrow goeth fcrtffi
From the homestead roof, a bride.
Leans she out from the lattice low
With tho sunset's flush on her faded hair,
And her svl.face lined with the touch of woe, —
Her face that was ouce so fair.
Care leans out from the lattice too,
Close by her side, ail gaunt and grim,
Tugging her gown with a fretful frown,
Till with pain hei eyes are cim.
And children shout by the swinging door,
And tho weary look is on her brow,
Ah, the household needs perforce she heeds,
For her dream is ended now.
A " HATTY ' AFFAIR. —Rats, say* Josh
Billings, originally eame from Norway,
and I wish they had originally staid
They arc about az uncalled for az a
pane in the small of the back.
They can be domesticated dreadful
eazy, that iz az far az gitting into cupboard
and eating cheese, and knawing pie, is
The best way to demcstikate them that
I ever saw is to surround them gently
with a steal trap ;yn kan reason with
them then with grate advantage.
Rats ate migratorous ; they migrate
wherever the have a mind tew.
Pizen is also good for rats ; it softens
their whole moral natures.
Cats hate rats, and rats hate cats, —who
I suppose their iz between fifty and six
ty millions of rats in America—l quote
now entirely from memory and I don't
suppose thare iz a single necessary rat iu
the whole lot. This shows at a glance
how mamy rats waste thare iz. Rats en
hance in numbers faster than shoe-pegs do
by machinery. One pair of healthy rats
iz awl that enny man wants tew start the
rat biznzz with, and in ninety daze, with
out enny outlay, he will begin tew have
rats—tew turn out.
Rats, viewed from enny platform you
kau build, are unspeakably cussid.
years ago, one of the prin
cipal thoroughfares of London was regu
larly patrolled by a beggar, who asked
alms of no other persons except old ladies.
To these he addressed himself thus : O !
young lady! have pity on a poor beggar."
He was singularly successful in all his ap
peals. In reply to an inquiry, he explain
ed his success thus : " Vou sec, sir, my
plan pleases all the ladies, Some of 'em
believed tuc, and are pleased by • lie compli
ment Others say it's all a sham ; and
tbey are tickled by the joke. So you see
I get something from all of 'em.
STANTON. —There is great rejoicing all
over the country at the final closing of the
Court of Impeachment, the acquittal of the
President and the failure of Stanton to re
tain possession of the War Office. The
hero of the Andersonville murders will
now retire to private life, and may, possi
bly, fall a victim to remorse, as did Pies
ton King, and Jim Lane.
•When General M'Clellan was a candi
date for President in 1864, the Republi
cans were very indignant because he did
not resign bis commission as Major Gen
eral. As Grant is now their candidate we
would suggest that he resign his commis
sion as General. "Itl9 a poor rule that
will not woikboth ways."
Three important acts passed by
Radical "statesmen" are now in the courts,
namely, the Registry act, the. Deserter act,
and the iccome tax act.
• "To Speak his Thoughts is Ev*y Freeman's Right. "
DEATH OF JAMES BUCHANAN.
Sketch of his Life and Public Services,
The fifteenth President of the United
States is dead. After an illness of a lit
tle more than four weeks—though there
have been reports of his failing health for
a year past —James Buchanan died at
Wheatland, Lancaster, Pennsylvania, at
o'clock on the morning of June Ist.
He was born at Stony Batter, Franklin
County, Pennsylvania, April 22nd, 1791,
and had filled the measure of seventy-sev
en useful years when lie died. His father
was an immigrant from Ireland, coming
to this country in 1783, marrying Eliza
beth Spear, the daughter of a Pennsylva
nia farmer, and laboring honestly and hon
orably to acquire the competence which
enabled him to give his son the advantage
of a liberal education. Jatn.es Buchanan
was cnti-red at Dickinson College, Carlisle,
j where he was graduated high in his class
Jin 1809, thereafter entering the law office
of James Hopkins, in Lancaster, and at
taining admission to the bar, November
17, 1812, when he was little more than
twenty-one years old. After only four
years standing at the bar he was employ
ed, with another counsel, in defending, as
he did with success, a judge who was im
peached before the Pennsylvania State
Senate, in the session of 181617. From
that titnc his reputation as a lawyer was
' made, and his practice and professional
profits so increased with his years, that at
the age of forty he was enabled to retire
from the bar and to devote himself entire
ly to the political career in which he sub
seqtiently became so prominent. Ouce;
only after his relinquishments of the law
was he induced to reappear at the bar, i
and that was in a case involving consider
able technical difficulties, which ncverthe- j
less, he gained for his client. But early !
in his legal career lie hud already wooed :
the more fickle favors which the arena of
politics promises far oftctier than it con- ■
fers, and had wooed with a success that,
won. When he was twenty-three years j
old he was a member of the State Legisla
ture. lie was re-elected to the same po- j
sition in 1815, and, although a Federalist, j
during the war of 1812, with Great Brit- |
ain he warmly espoused the war side, en
listing as a private in a company that j
marched to the defence of Washington,!
and advocating from that time till 1815
every measure in and out the Legislature i
that looked to national defence and the '
relief of the patriots who bad engaged in
the war. In 1829, when Mr. Buchanan
was twenty-nine years old, lie was elected
to Coiigiess, and two years afterwards j
made liis first elaborate speech, on the j
Military Appropiation Bill, and in defence i
ol the then Secretary of the Treasury, Air.
Crawford. 11 is speech in March of the ;
same year was on the Bankrupt Law, which j
as proposed, limited the benefits of tne act
to the mercantile classes, while an anei d
nient produced its extension to all classes |
This amendment Mr. Buchanan offered ;
solely that it would extend '* a demorali-
zng influence over the whole surface of
society, " and the bill was defeated t>y
a vote of 99 to 72, Whenever the tariff
question came up, Mr. Buchanan express
ed, by vote and voice, the preferences he
always retained for a system of duties
looking to levenne rather than protection,
lie was opposed to legislation for a bene
fit of a section. In one of his speeches
on the tariff' question he said: "If I
know myself, lam a politician neither of
the East nor the West, of the North nor
South, I therefore shall forever avoid any
expression the direct tendency ot which
mud be to create sectional jealousies, sec
tional divisions, and, at length, disunion,
that most and last of all political calami
ties." llow faithfully he clung to this
course through his whole political and
public career his record shows. He, how
ever, voted in the next session of Congress
for the newly-christened " American Sys
tern," but solely as a revenue measure,
and for the benefit of the then nearly ex-
hausted Treasury. In 1828, after an ac
tive participation in the canipa gn which
r> suited in the election of President iack
son, Mr. Buchanan was re elected to Con
giess, and during the following session '
succeeded Daniel \\ ebstcr at the hea l of
the Judiciary Committee. During this
session, James 11. Peck, Judge of the
United States District Court of Mi-souri,
was tried upon articles of impeachment
before the United States Senate. The<
House Managers were James Buchanan,
Henry li. Sturrs, George McDntHe. Am
brose Spencer, and Charles Wickliffe.—
Judge Peck was defended by \\ illiani
Wirt and Jonathan Meredith. The case was
conducted with gn at ability and excited
much attention. Mr. Buchanan closed
for the prosecution, lint the Senate refused
to convict by a vote ot 22 to 21. At the
close of his fifth Congressional term, in
1831, Mr. Buchanan temporarily with
drew from the field of politics; but was
soon after nominated by President Jack
son as Minister Plenipotentiary at the
Court of St. Petersburg. In this mission
he concluded the first commercial treaty
between this country and Russia, securing
important privileges to American com
merce to the Baltic, and on bis return in
1833, he was chosen to the Unit- d Sates
Senate. It was the first time, not tlie last,
lliat Mr. Buchanan had been fortunate
j enough to be removed from an immediate
connection with home polities at precisely
the right time, so far as his own personal
i interests anil prospects were concerned
j During his absence in Russia, a new tariff
: had been enacted ; the United Slates Jfetik
1 war had begun ; sectional animosities were
, rife for the first time in the history of the
country ; a ruptuie in the Cabinet had
| been followed by sweepiujj removals fiom
office ; there was a general cry of '• pro
scription and Mr. Clay and his party
attempted, unsuccessfully, to enact the
Tenurc-of Office bill of that day to pre
vent removals by the President unless bv
the consent of the Senate. Mr. Buchan
an cante bravely to the defence of the
| President, and declared that personal
1 hostility to General Jackson was the real
1 reason for the attempt to restrict his con
stitutional powers, claiming the President's
right to appoint all officials during the re
| cess of Congress. At this time, in 1835,
; the slavery agitation, heretofore confined
to a small class of people, was begining to
be a matter which excited some publicatten
tion. Mr. Buchanan foresaw the dangers
this agitation threatened. He desired that
Congress should officially declare that it
had no power to legislate ori this subject.
; He believed that the suppression of this
agitation was as necessary for the happi
ness of the slave as it was for the security
of the master. The abolitionists were re
sponsible for rigors which the very ques—
i tion seemed to compel, and a humane re
gard for the slaves as well as for their mas
; ters demanded that the question should
rest where the Constitution left it, in the
hands of the slave-holding States. Daniel
Webster was brought to this precise view,
as is evidenced in his speech of March 7,
1850. In every important question that
came before Congress and the country Mr.
Buchanan was prominent. He was an en
thusiastic sympathizer in the struggle of
Texas to achieve its independence from
Mexico, and subsequently lie warmly urg- j
ed the admission of Texas to the Union.—
When the French indemnity question be
came important, and even threatening, he
supported General Jackson's demand for an
appropriation of $3,000,000 to increase
the navy and to strengthen the frontier de- '
fences, in view of a possible war. On the
question of the admission of Michigan and
Arkansas to the Union there arose a diffi- !
culty as to the right of resident aliens to j
vote, and Mr, Buchanan claimed that such j
aliens, resident in the Northwestern terri- ;
tory, bad the right to the elective fran
chise. The long and bitter hostility of i
the Senate to President Jackson was bro't j
to a close with the end of Jackson's second
term by Mr. Benton's celebrated expung
ing resolutions, which were adopted b\ a
decisive vote, and which Buchanan strong
ly advocated. The Senate thus wiped
Irom i s record,the history of its animosity
to a man whom Air. Buchanan had con
sistently sustained from the begining of |
his Presidency to its close. During Mr. j
Van Buren's administration, Air. Buclian- \
an, still in the Senate, was the leader on
the Democratic side against such men as
Clay and Webster, was the champion
on tlie side of an independent treasury,the
leading measure of Van Buren's adminis
tration. lie defended the pre-eiftption j
rights of settlers on the public lands. With ]
the election of General Harrison, in 1840, 1
Mr. Buchanan found himself in a minority
in Congress and in the country. The in- ;
dependent treasury was repealed ; the i
United States Bank would have been re
chartered, only Piesident Harrison died
before he could sign the bill, and John Ty
ler vetoed it. The subsequent vetoes of
Mr. Tyler were so frequent that Mr. Clay
introduced a resolution to abolish the veto
power, which was opposed by Air. Buchan- !
an, who justly claimed that this power was
the real protection of the people. He op- t
posed the ratification of the Asbhurton
treaty, not on account of the Northeastern
boundary line, as specified, hut "because he
did not think it settled other questions in
dispute between Great Britain and this
country. The leading feature of Air. Ty
ler's administration was the preliminary
movement which finally led to the admis
sion of Texas, a step which Air. Buchanan
early advocated, and on which he urged
immediate action. In one of his speeches
lie cited the fact, that if Mr. Jefferson had
delat ed a single month in the acquisition
of Louisiana, that Territory would have j
been lost, or would have cost the country I
a war. With the subsequent adininistra-j
tion of President Polk, Texas was admit- j
ted by joint resolution, though Mr. Bu
chanan was the only member of the Senate .
Committee on Foreign Relations who re- J
ported favorably on the admission—and j
this, by the way, was the last act of his
Senatorial life. From the Senate Air. Bu
chauan proceeded to the Cabinet of Presi
dent Polk as Secretary of State, and he
. then had full opportunity to manage for
eign affairs according to the views he had
sustained in the Senate. To liirn more
than to any other man is due the avoid
ance of a war with Great Britain on the
Oregon boundary question. Both coun
tries claimed the whole of the Northwest
ern territory. Mr. Tyler had offered a!
compromise line ot latitude 49 degrees
north, and Air. Buchanan felt obliged to !
i make the same offer ; but it was rejected.
Mr. Buchanan, in an elaborate and able
i state paper, claimed for this Government
• the entire territory, and withdrew his of
i fer of compromise. The nation rung with
i the alluring alliteration, "Fifty four forty,
• or fight Air. Packenham was withdrawn
;: as a negotiator; the British Government
-1 offered to settle on the terms first proposed
11 by Mr. Polk, and the Senate advised its
i! acceptance. Tin n came the Alcxican war,
,! which in its wonderful aeries of successes,
' I unbroken by a single reverse, a succession
! of victoiies won with small loss of life over
r always outnumbering forces, and crowned
1 with a victorious and lasting peace, bro't
a renown to the American arms which no
f subsequent period of history can effaoe,—
t Through all this war Air. Buchanan was
s the principal adviser of President Polk,
3 i and while always watching to seize the fa
-1 vorable moment for an Honorable peace,
3' he did much to iecure the advantages and
i possessions which followed the treaty. His
instructions to Minister Slidell, in Mexico,
not only seensed these advantages, but
averted all European intervention. At
i the close of Mr. I'olk's administration, Mr.
J Buchanan, in the prime of his usefulness,
retired to Wheatland, nevertheless taking
i occasion, as opportunity offered, to.cxpress
| his opinions upon the political questions of
the day, especially the slavery agitation,
and tin wiote a letter endorsing the com
promise measures which were adopted by
' the joint efforts of Senators Cass, Clay,and
Webster, in 1850. Dir. Pierce became
President in 1853. and one of his first ap
; pointments was that of James Buchanan
I as Minister at the Court of St. James. The
j Central American question engaged his
; earliest attention, and subsequently our re
lations with Spain led to President Pierce's
' proposal to settle all difficulties by offering
to purchase Cuba. This negotiation was
! confided to .Mr. Soule, then Minister to
Ma Irid, and it was deemed advisable that
| the ministers at the Courts of France and
England should assist in the conference.—
1 Ostend (which named the conference) was
selected, but Aix la-Chapelle was the place
lof meeting. The result of this conference,
! which exciter! great attention at the time,
was not a "protocol," as the minutes were
callnd, nor even a proposition to Spain lor
the purchase of the Island of Cuba, but the
' papers set forth the importance of the ac
quisition to this country, the advantage to
i .Spain in selling it at a fair price, and the
I sympathy of the people of the United
j States with the inhabitants of the island.
1 In case Cuba should become Africanized
and threaten to he a second St. Domingo,
I the effect of the example of the slave pop
i illation of our own Southern States would
; impel an armed intervention, and would ;
justify the foicible seizure of Cuba- All
j this was talked ; nothing was done ; but
doing all that was talked about could
| scaiecly have created more excitement in
; this country and abroad. Mr. Buchanan
j came home in Apiil, 1856. lie was hos
! pitably received by the Common Council
of this city, aud his journey homeward to j
Lancaster was a succession of ovations.— j
The Democratic Convention assembling at
Cincinnati in June nominated him for the
Presidency, afd in November he was elect
ed, receiving 1?4 electorial votes in nine
teen States. Mr, Buchanan announced at
the outset that the object of his adminis
tration would be to suppress sectionalism
at the North and at the South, and to re
store a national and fraternal feeling be
tween the States. In his inaugural.March
4, 1857, he stated his views on the slavery
question and the settlement of difficulties
in Kansas. It is unnecessary to revive the
history of the Kansas squ tbble for politi
cal power and spoils. Mr. Buchanan sent
a special message to Congress on the sub
ject, February 2, 1858, and he gave his t
signature to the Compromise Kansas bill,
which finally passed both Houses. Very
soon after tins occasion Mr. Buchanan
communicated to Congress the gratifying
intelligence that the rebellion in Utah had
come to an end by the peaccfnl submission
of the Mormons. We do not propose to
closely review Mr. Buchanan's administra
tion— especially tne last four months of
the sartic, which he has given with his own
pen to history as a vindication supported
by documentary evidence. It is charged
that reasonable vigor and celerity on his
part would have suppressed the rebellion.
But the peace correspondence with John
Tyler, the South Carolina Commissioners,
and the letters between President Buchan
an and General Scott, have failed to con
vince the public to this clay that the mat
ter of peace or war between the North and
the South lay exclu-svely in Mr. Buchan
an's hands. He began to write a
review, which was at once a history and
a defence of his administration, as soon as
he reached Wheatland, in March, 1861.
In December of the same year an at
tempt was made to censure him in the
United States Senate, hut the resolution
was promptly tabled by a vote of 37 to 3.
His vindication, which had been prepared i
more than a year, was not published till j
November, 1865, and then it excited far I
less attention than was anticipated. To a '
partisan press the author served however,
as a scapegoat for many of the mishaps
and blunders of the war, radicalism find
ing a relief in falling back upon Mr.
Buchanan as the " main cause " of a na
tional disaster, for which he was no more
immediately responsible than he was for
the latest volcanic eruption in Hawaii
During his retirement at Wheatland Mr,
Buchanan has sedulously refrained from
receiving public attentions that have been
tendered to him by his personal and po
litical friends and his fellow townsmen. —
A year ago last April he declined in a
handsome letter of acknowledgment a
! public, dinner at Philadelphia, He seems.
' to have been content with the full measure
,of honors his town, his State,and his coun
' try have heaped upon him, and to have
' rested his reputation upon the acknowl
| edged and maiked ability with which he
| has fiiled the many positions of trust and
1 honor to which he has been advanced.—-
When he went from Washington to
j Wheatland, to the assembled crowd of
i neighbors and friends gathered to greet
! him, and welcome him to his home, he
I said these words. " Ail my political as-
I pirations have departed, all I have done
| daring a somewhat protracted life has pass
ed into history. It 1 have done aught to of
fend a single citisen, I now sincerely ak
; his pardon. God grant that the t'onsti
jtuiionofthe Union shall be perpetual
and continue a shield and protection to
, ourselves and children forever." Words
like these are a pertinent Fsson to the
living and a fit epitaph for the dead
• who uttered them.
TERMS, $2.00 Per. ANNUM, in Advance.
pis* aitU jftjifrfoist.
Hood calls a baby a Laplander.
The Italians hare an ungracious proverb |
"So good that he is good for nothing."
The Ila rtford Times advises people to get
up before five o'clock in the morning, and
"see Venus, the beautiful morning star."—*
Whereupon a newly married man takes-oc
casion to inform the Times that he can "see
; Venus without the trouble of rising at that
j unseemingly hour." Happy man !
The danger of procrastinating waddings is
thus aptly portrayed :
By one decisive argument,
i Tom gained his lovely Kate's consent
To fix the bridal day.
"Why in such haste, dear Tom to wod 1
I shall not change my mind," she said,
"But then," says he. "I MAY 1"
An Irish glazier was putting in a pane of
' glas*, when a bystander began joking him, by
telling him to put in plenty of pmty. The
Irishman soon sileueed his tormentor by say
ing : "Arrah now, be off wid ye, or else I'll
put a pain in yer head widcut any putty."
"What ran be the cause of that bell ring
ing to-day said young Sam to his friend,
as they neared a country village. "If I waa
to express my opinion on the subject," re*
turned Isaac, solemnly, "I say it is
my deliberate conviction that sombody is
pulling the rope."
Two brothers, about being executed for an
enormous crime, the eldest was fixed without
a word. The other addressed the crowd as
follows : "Good people, my brother hanga
before my face, and you see what a spectacle
he makes ; in a few moments I shall be turn
ed off, too, and then you'll see a pair of spec
"Come here, sissy," said a young gentle
man to a little girl to whose sister he
was paying his addresses; "yon are the
sweetest-thing on earth." "No I ain't," she
replied. 1 Sister says you are the sweetest."
The gentleman poppod the question next
"A cockney being out one day, amusing
himself with shooting, happened to fire thro'
a hedge. The shot missed tho bird, but
struck the hat of a man on the other side,
who hastily asked : "Did you fire at me
sir J" "Oh no, sir," was the reply, "I never
hit what I aim at."
"Cuff, can you tell me the difference be
tweon an accideul and misfortune V'
"I gives it up, Pomp ; caD you 1"
"Yes ; if an infernal revenue ossifer should
fall into the river, that would be an accident]
if somebody should pull him out, that would
be a misfortune."
A young lady from the country now on a
visit to Boston, writes home thusly .* "No
body isn't nothin' at this place now which
don't hole up her cloze, and the Lier you
holes 'eua up. the more you are notised."
"Did your wife have an income last year?"
asked an internal revenue officer of a citizen
of Lexington, Ky. "Yes, she had twins—
both girls." The officer concluded that it
was a pretty liberal income.
An Irishman being asked why ha refused
to pay a doctor's bill, said : "Shure he did'nt
give me anything but 6onie emetics, and divil
a one would stay in my stummick, at all, at
Old Ki?e started fur home the other night,
pretty well tangled,and mistaking a red hatr
ed girl for a lamp post he commenced to hug
her ; but was brought to reason by a smart
"My dear," said a rural wife to her hus
band, on his return from town, "what was
the sweetest thing you saw in bonnets in the
city 7" "0, the ladies' faces, my love."
Fowl culture is receiving attention in Pa-*
ris. "I have a henery," lately said a great
lady to her cousin. "Dear me," replied the
cousin, "I thought bis came was Charles."
A yonng lady school teacher, of Frederick
city, was endeavoring to impress upon her
pupils the terrible effect of the punishment of
Nebuchadnezzer. She told them that for
seven years he ate grass just like a cow.—*
./ust then a small boy asked ; "Did he give
A somewhat juvenile dandy remarked to a
lady : "Do you not think, Miss Alice, ray
moustaches are becoming The lady, after
a sharp scrutiny, replied : "Well, sir, they
mty be coming, but 1 can say positively they
have not yet arrived."
When a good wife had prepared an excel
lent dinner for her husband, and he declared
he waa pleased with it, she said : "Well,kiss
me than." "Oh, never mind that, my dear,
was his reply, "the necessaries of life we
must have, but the luxuries we can dispense