HARVEY SICTKLER, Publisher.
VOL. VII.
Ppmitrg ffcnwtrat.
A Democratic weekly
paper devoted to Poll
ties N't*!, the Arts 1| j
and Sciences Ac. Pub- .* Mjyjgjg y •
|y, at Tunkhannock i lyntfe
Wyoming County, Pa *J \ •<* M J
BY HARVEY SICKLER 1'
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Business N olices.
RTUW. E UTTbB ATTORNEYS AT
LAW Office on Tioga Street Tunkhanauck Pa
Hg, COOPER, PHYSICIAN A SI KU EON
• Newton Centre. Luzerne County Pa.
OL, FARKISH, ATTORNEY AT LAW.
• Uth -e at the Court House, in Tunkhanock
Wyoming Co. Pa.
/M. H FTa IT, ATIOKNEi AT~LAW of
fice in Stark's Brick Block Tioga St., Tunk
Bannock, Pa.
r"p j CH ASE, ATTORNEY AND COUNSEL-
X* LOR AT LAW, Nicholson, Wyoming Co-, Pa
Especial attention given to settlement ol dece
dcot'a estates
Nicholson, i\*. Doc. 5, 19(37 —v7nl9yl
MJ. WILSON, ATTORN FY AT LAW, Col
• lecting and Real Estate Agent. lowa Lands
fer sale. Scranton, Pa. 3btf.
T W, HHOADS, PHYSICIAN A SURiiEXtN,
J • will attend promptly to all calls in
fessinn. May be found at his Office at the Drug
Store, or at his residence on Putman Sreet, formerly
eccupied by A. K. Peckham Esq.
DENTISTRY. /o V
IISIIPP
DR, L. T. BURNS has permanently located in
Tunkhannock Borough, and respectfully tenders
his professional services to it* citizens.
Office on second floor, formerly occupied by Dr.
Oilman.
v6n3otf.
PORTRAIT, LANDSCAPE,
ANll
ogj£M£NFT2i£
PAXI\rTITG.
Hv >r. 'JtraE'lt, Artist.
Roomsover the Wyoming National bank,in Ntark's
linck Block,
TUNKHANNOCK, PA.
Life-size Portraits painted from Amb'otvpes or
Photographs —Photographs Painted in Oil Colors. —
All orders for paintings executed according to or
der, or no charge made.
Instructions given in Drawing, Sketching,
Portrait and Landscape Painting, in Oil or water
Colors, and in *ll branches of the art,
Tunk , July 31, 'gT-vgnSO-tf.
BOLTON HOUSE.
HAKIUSRUBOf PKNNA.
The undersigned having lately purchased the
" BUEHLER HOUSE " property, has already com
menced such alterations and improvements as will
render this old and popular House equal, if not supe
rior, to any Hotel in the City of Harrisburg.
a' continuance of the public patronage is refpect
fully solicited.
GEO. J. BOLTON
WALL'S HOTEL,
LATE AMERICAN HOUSE/
TUNKHANNOCK, WYOMING CO., PA.
TIIIS establishment has recently been refitted an
furnished in the latest style Every attention
■ill be given to th* comforgand convenience of those
■ho patronize the House.
T B. WALL, Owner and Proprietor ;
_Tunkhannock, September 11. IP6I
MEANS' HOTEL.
TOWANDA, PA
p. B- B ART LET,
(Late oft- r brai!A!U> llopse, Eljiiba, N-Y
--FKOPRIETOR.
The MEANS HOTEL, i- one of the LARGEST
end BEST ARRANGED Houses in the country—lt
is fitted up in the most modern and improved style
and no pains are spared to make it a pleasantand
agreeable stopping place for all,
v3n'2l-iy.
Commercial College.—The sueeess of Gard
ner's Business College and Ladies' Academy, at
Scranton, has surpassed atl expectation The course
of study is more thorough -the terms are cheaper—
and give better satisfaction than any other College
f the kind in Northern Pennsylvania. Lile Schol
arship 835 OU. Clubs at reduced rates. Send lor
aollege Paper giving full particulars. Address J.
0 Gardner, Principal. Scranton, Pa. u7nlUyl
INFORMATION.
Information guaranteed to produce a luxuriaot
growth of hair apon a bald bead or beardless lace,
also a recipe for the removal of Pimples, Blotches,
Eruptioas, etc., on the skin, leaving the same soft
clear, and beautiful, can be obtained without charge
by addresing.
THOS. F CHAPMAN, Chemist.
48T Broadway,NewYork.
TUNKHANNOCK, WYOMING CO., PA. -WEDNESDAY, JUNE 3, 1868.
Patricks (Column.
Spring Trade for '6B
Will open on or about the Ist of May,
AT TUNKHANNOCK. PENN'A.
C. Detrick.,
(SUCCBSSOB TO BUNNELL k BANNATYNB,)
Froposes to establish himself permanently
in trade at this place, at the Brick
6tore house ID Sam'l Stark's Block,
where by fair dealing and fair
prices be expects to merit and
receive the public patronage.
Attention 16 called to the following in
Dry Goods :
SILKS,
POPLINS,
ALPACAS,
LUSTRES,
DELAINES.
GINGHAMS,
PRINTS,
SHAWLS.
LADIES' SACQ.UINGS,
DRESS TRIMMINGS,
BLEACHED AND BROWN MUSLINS,
CLOTHS AND CASSIMKRES
GENTS' FURNISHING GOODS,
TOILET ARTICLES.
NOTIONS, AC.
to:
Groceries.
SUGAR,
TEA,
COFFEE,
MOLASSES,
RICE,
SYRUP,
CANDLES,
SOAP,
STARCH,
FLOUR, .
FEED,
SALT,
PORK,
BUTTER,
CHEESE,
DRIED BEEF,
HAMS,
FISH of all kind*,
BEANS,
AC., AC.,
Hardware,
A FULL ASSORTMENT.
Cutlery
OF ALL KINDS,
MEN'S AND BOYS'
Hats and Caps.
Boots # Shoes,
A FULL ASSORTMENT.
This branch of basiows made a speciality. A lot of
SEWED ARMY SHOES,
A GREAT BARGAIN,
SOLE LEATHER.
CROCKERY.
SKIN E,
WOOD AND
TINWARE,
in great variety-
All kinds of Produce taken in e*cbaage for Goods.
The above articlee will tie kept in fell assortment.
I mean to make the eperi men tof goods sold ia
qnantites cheaper than ever before ia thie vteinity,
I shall be heppy to see yon, and yea eaa depend ap
; i on finding bargains la a vary depaftmeat. Gooda fa-
Iceived every week.
inetnj.
WHO ARE THE USURPERS.
BT WILLIAM UUBBABD.
These are days of rough men, and rough deeds—and
I'll use
Rough words in the song that I sing.if I choose.
Fair words are too precious on scoundrels to wasie
Rare vintage, which flows oot for scullions to taste j
'Tis with felons I deal—
Thieves who break through nd steal !
Such as Forney, who stole forty thousand at least
And that millionaire burglar—Ben. Butler the
Beast !
'Tis with wretches whose garments with nurder are
red !
All spattered and splotched with the blood they
have shed !
Such as Bingham— whose eye-balls are seared with
the sight
Of a ghost, if he ventures out lone in the night!
The ghost of a woman, al 1 saintly and white !
Poor Mary Surratt !
Purer soul never sped
To yon Heaven through the stars
Beaming lustrous o'er head,
Than thine—whose frail body
Moulders now with the dead !
Than thine—who was strangled,
And laid with the dead !
Rest ! Rest !
With the martyred blest !
Murdered mother ! thy guiltlessness now is confes
sed !
Such as Stevens—corroded with life-long remorse !
Whose sin-cankered heart has been long turned to
gall—
For he sees, "in his mind's eye," the club-beaten
corpse
Of a girl who for him gave up Heaven and all !
Lured out to the brook-side—the night dark and
dread
"Slain by some one unknown" —so the coroner
aaid —
But the terrible sj>eclrt comes back from the dead !
Such as Sumner, the donkey, with leonine looka,
Clad in a jacket of stripes, which was given him by
Brooks !
Such as Sumner, the THING ! neuter gender ! who
made
A mockery of marriage, and a woman betrayed !
Then tortured his victim, as a Chief of the Crows,
Does the captive he takes in a raid on his foes !
And the tumble-bug, filth-monger, blaspheming
Wade !
Bosa-in-Chief, for long years, of the wencb-hugget's
trade !
Obscene as the Hun in his midsummer ride
Who used beel-stoak far tat tle, and supper beside !
A low down low fellow—low born and low bred,
With a fLdi-woman's tongue in a acallawag's head !
And these, O my couDtrymen ! these are the knaves
Who cosspire to bo masters, when you shall be
slaves !
—Bucyrus (Ohio) Forum.
Admission of Arkansas.
The bill for the admission of Arkansas
passed the House on Friday. In orJer to
show how they do things in that body, we
will give a statement of the facts. The
bill was introduced by Stevens, and the
pievious question demanded. • Mr. Spald
ing, Radical from Ohio, then inquired " if
the party expected him to vote for a con
stitution be had never 6een, much less
read." Stevens insisted on its passage,
and, notwithstanding the fact that none of
the members had ever seen the constitu
tion of Atkansas, 110 Radical members
voted for it. What can be thought of a
deliberative body that will resort to such
means for political gain ? If any attempt
were made to pass a set of resolutions in a
county convention, without having them
read, they would be voted down, but here
is a body, supposed to he composed of the
wisest and most able minds of the country,
making laws for the people, when they do
not even know what the laws are, and dare
not inquire, lest they lose position in their
party. Is it not about time that such men
should be sent to their houses to learn
common sense, if not justice ! We think
so, and we believe the people will so ex
press themselves this fall.
44 Wade and Vengeance."
The failure of the Stevcns-Bntler infa
my on Saturday last, was turned to Wade's
account at Chicago, by the cry of 44 Wade
and Vengeance." The cry was vocifer
ously made by the disappointed gamblers
who lost their money on the failure of the
eleventh article of impeachment, with
hopes of recuperating their pockets from
the Treasury at a future day. Tho Con
vention from the start seemed to be in the
keeping of the extreme radical branch of
the party. There WRS a sharp contest in
the Pennsylvania delegation, between Ca
meron and Forney, in which Cameron had
to bite the dust. The contest for Vice
Presidency was at fever heat, and an ele
ment was openly introduced, that has here
tofore only been regarded with suspicion.
It was that of openly buying up delega
tions with money. The several vacancies
in the Southern delegations were offered
to be filed for SIOO apiece. The nigger
delegates were hugged and treated with giD
cocktails and whiskey punches, by northern
delegates with great liberality, and several
of the nigger delegates became quite con
spicuous.
0" The expenses of this government,
says a gentleman who has taken pains to
make the calculation, amounted last year
to a little over a thousand dollars a minute !
And the poor had to pay all this !
Horace Greeley, Cornelius Vanderbilt,
Gerritt Smith, and other noted Radicals,
hate renewed their bail for Jefferson Da
vis. Why don't the faithful loyal bowl I
44 To Speak his Thoughts is Every Freeman's Bight. "
COBWEB S PROPOSAL.
BT HOMOR BRIGHT.
44 I tell you what it is, girls, it would be
glorious AID to take advantage of leap
year, aud propose to some cross old bach
elor, and see what he would do about it, "
said Cobweb, to the rest of us girls, as we
were taking a walk, one night not long
since; 44 what do you think about it, girls ? "
We all agreed that it would be glori
ous fun.
44 But who has pluck enough to do it ?"
said Lou Wilson.
44 Who, indeed, but your humble ser
vant, " said Cobweb.
44 Oh, yes, Cobweb can do it to per
fection, " said Fan Clark, clapping her
hands in high glee, u and yon know the
rest of 11s will be round where we can
hear all the fun, " said I.
44 But, Cobweb, how will you manage
it ? " said Lou. 44 1 know you are equal to
any emergency, hut I don't seem to think
of any one you can practice on this time."
44 Well I do, " said Cobweb, 44 so keep
still a moment and I will unfold my plan."
44 Go ahead, " said all of us ID concert,
for we well knew there was something
rich on hand, when Cobweb put on that
face and manner.
41 Well, girls," said Cobweb with a
smile, 41 you know there is to be a Leap
Year Ball next Monday r.ight, at the town
ball, and I shall a;k 44 Old Black," as we
girls call him."
44 Oh," said Lou, " you will never dare ;
he would annihilate you with one of his
looks."
" Ob, sho ! don't you believe yourself.
I rather think Cobweb is put up to that
sort of thing.
44 Well, Cobweb," said I, 44 get the
programme all arranged, so that we can
hear all the fun,"
44 Oh, yes, " said she, 44 that is all right."
Well, we got everything arranged be
fore we went home that night, and could
hardly wait to see how it would work.—
First, let me describe 44 Old lilack." In
the first place, lie is not old, but a fine
looking man of about thirty-five years :
but still, dignified manners, and the fact
of his being unmarried, gave him the title
of " Old Black ," his real name being
Mr. Levi Black, and the owner of one of
the finest farms in the town of 11 ,
where he lives alone pith an pld house
keeper.
The next day Cobweb sent him an in
vitation to the ball, which he promptly ac
cepted ; and Cobweb was in high glee.—
The wished for night at length arrived and
we were all on tiptoe, you may well be
lieve. Cobwib went early ; she diove up
to the door about half past seven, and
running up the steps, rang the bell. The
old housekeeper came to the door, and
looked as though she thought Cobweb was
crazy, when she asked for Mr. Black, hut
managed to ask her to walk in, and she
would tell her master she wanted to 6ee
him.
44 But what under the sun docs that chit
of a thing want of Mr. Black, I doD't see, "
she muttered, as she went out.
Cobweb sat down and waited with all
patience. Soon she came back, saying he
would be ready presently. Cobweb wait
ed an hour, and did not come, then an
other hour and no Mr. Black. She was
about to ring for some one to find out
what the trouble was, when in he came all
smiles, saying :
44 Have I been long ? I have hurried
so, I am all nerved up."
44 (lb, no, " said Cobweb, 44 you have
been just no time at all. Well, we will
go now, if you are all ready ; but it seems
hardly possible—you have been so very
quick ! " n
44 Oh, yes; I am quite ready,"
44 Well, now we will go."
% She waited on him into the buggy, and
Tucked the robes around him as sober as a
judge, and gathered up the reins, and they
were soon at the hall. Oh, how honored
Cobweb looked, as slid came in with Mr.
Black hanging on her arm. She gave us
a look out of those eyes of hers that set us
all into a laugh ; but all the while he w'as
as sober as could be. But I saw a twin
kle in his eye that meant mischief. Well,
all went as merry as could be. When
supper time came Cobweb gave us the
wink to be on hand, as agreed. We all
swallowed our supper in a hurry aud went
and hid in a closet that opened out of the
ladies' dressing-room, where Cobweb
meant to entice him after supper, and
then propose to him in the most approved
style, as she said. We could but just
keep still. We got all arranged around
the door, which stood partly open. Soon
we saw them coine in. Cobweb led him
to a seat, and seating herself beside him,
she looked over to our hiding place and
made up a face. That set us all to gig
gling, and Lou laughed out; but he took
no notice of it, so we thought it was all
right.
44 Dear Mr. Black, " said Cobweb mov
ing up to him and taking his hand 44 I
have long waited for this opportunity to
opeh my heart to yon, but have never un
til now found one favorable to my pur
pose."
He looked up a little surprised, but did
not seem much frightened.
44 1 have long loved you, and know you
to bo the guiding star of my existence.
Say, now, truly, dear, darling George, do
you lov me ? Don't say no, " said she
dropping on one knee. 44 Don't leave me
without hope. Give me 3ome enoourage
merit, and I will be the happiest woman
alive. Say, darling do you love roe a lit
tle ? " said she, looking up into his face
with such a complete counterfit devotion,
that we all were convulsed with laughter.
lie looked at her a moment and then
went off into such a fit of laughter as you
cover heard.
Cobweb straightched up with all the
dignity she could command, and looked at
him with a face as long as your arm, un
til he stopped laughing, when he looked
up, and said :
* Well, you did well ; better than I
could, Miss Reed; and I am glad you
have done so, for 1 could never have had
the courage to pop the question, but now
yon have done the thing—l can only say,
I shall be only too happy to accept your
heart and hand. Ido love you, and have
for a long while. I overheard your con
versation that night, and determined to
take advantage of it. Now lam willing
to make you the happiest woman in the
world at any time; the sooner the better.
What do you say ?
Cobweb looked up at him, and seeing
that he was in earnest, wilted, as Lou said.
Then he reached out his hand and drew
her to him, saying:
"Now it remains for you to say wheth
er it shall be binding or not. I am will
ing to abide by my promise, are you ?
Shall we consider it a bone fide or not. —
And he drew her to him and planted a
kiss on her pouting lips.
" I don't know ; let me go, " said Cob
web.
4 'You will tell mo soon, " said he, as he
held her fast. 14 Promise me, and I will
let yon go," She promised, and he said,
44 Now girls, come ami persuade her she
had better marry 44 Old Black."
We all carne out looking sheepish
enough, I expect. I never saw cobweb
cornered before ; but 1 think she will
make it all right. We went home in high
glee, but Mr. Black would insist upon see
ing Cobweb home safe, for he said he al
ways made it a point of duty to look out
for all valuable property. How the affair
will terminate, 1 don't knew ; but I hope
she will conclude to have him, for he is re
ally a noble fellow ; and then, such good
times as we would have going to see her in
that fine old house. If she does. I will let
you know all about it. But we shall nev
er forget how she looked when she drop
ped on her knees, and rolled up her eyes
so lovingly at him when she proposed.
AN INTEBESTING BBEACH OF PROM
ISE CASE IN PROVIDENCE.
In the Supreme Court of Rhode Island,;
in session at Providence, suit was brought'
yesterday by Delia U. Albro to recover of
Thomas J, llili damages to the amount of
#IOO,OOO for an alluged breach of prom
ise of marriage. The allegations of the
plaintiff, as made by her opening counsel,
are that in the Spring of 1867, the defend- j
ant was a widower for the second time, I
not far from being sixty years of age, of,
large means, and carrying on business!
scarcely second in magnitude to that of any
similar establishment in Europe or Amer
ca. He was one that could easily have
persuaded any woman of any age or condi
tion to become his wife. About this time j
he was looking for a wife, and had his
eyes upon at least three ladies, whose rc
speetivejmeritsand capability he was engag
ed in weighing.
lie made inquiries as to the family con
nections, the personal character and merits
of the plaintiff, calling in the aid of the
sc'er.cc of phrenology, in order to deter-;
mine the peculiarities of her mind and
character. The plaintiff is about forty
years of age, the daughter of the late ;
William Mason, and hpr relatives are all
of the first respectability. She had been,
since the death of her husband, living with
•her mother, wearing her weeds of mourn
ing, and lavishing all her affections upon
her son. Under these circumstances the
defendant began to pay her attention.
Until this time she had supposed that she
never could look with tenderness upon a
persou of the other sex, but when the de
fendant had paid her these attentions, and
i had called Iter a noble woman, he became
the centre of her thoughts and sympathies.
The attentions were such as no man has a
right to pay to a woman unless he means to
marry her, and resulted in a formal en
gagement. He was introduced in her fa
mily as her intended husband, and passed
the Sunday with her at the house of her
father in-law. lie seemed in haste to be
married, and urged forward the prepara
tions. The plaintiff began to make her
arrangements, received the congratulations
of her relatives, and of whom, with char
acteristic liberality, sent her a package of
hank notes. Earth became as new to Iter ;
all its sounds were music; all its sights
were things of beauty, and the future was
spanned anew with the bow of Hope. At
this time the door bell rang, and the de
fendant came in with a cloud on his face.
44 Delia, " said he, 44 1 came to tell you that
lam not agoing to marry you." 44 Why,"
said she, 44 what misconduct have I been
guilty of? " His reply was " circumstan
ces prevent me." lie ceased visit
ing the plaintiff, and has never married
the plaintiff, or made her any compensa
tion lor the wrong done her, beyond offer
ing to reinburse ber for the money site
expended in preparing ber clothes. She
asks damages commensurate with her
wrongs and station of the defendant, whose
income for the year 1866 is stated to have
been 8120.000", and for two or three
years immediately preceding also very
large. Defence not yet disclosed.
£W A lady in this vioinity boasts of
the possession of a pair of eardrops made
from 44 liver," brought from Mount 44 Vo
ciferous" during the late 44 disruption."
gf Water isn't a fashionable beverage
for drinking your friend's health, but it's a
capital one for drinking your own.
; WHAT WELL THE DEMOCRATS DO f
It has been asked, 44 What will the Dem
ocrats do if we help to place them in pow
er ? " The question is so well and appro
priately answered and so satisfactorily
summed up, by Gen. W, A. Gorman, of
Minnesota, in a late speech, that we insert
the answer here :
44 If the democracy get power in the
Government, they will reduce the tariff tax
on all your tea, and what you drink and
wear.
44 They will restore the Union, and turn
over all the Southern States' expenses to
be paid by the South alone.
44 We will turn out and abolish ten
thousand abolition Freedmen's Bureau of
fice-holders, and save millions of dollars to
the peoples' pockets.
44 We will bid the South support them
selves, and go to raising cotton and sugar,
and we will continue to raise produce to
feed them.
41 We wiil pay the public debt in the
same currency we pay you and the same
you pay each other, and thus save rail
lions more in the pockets of the people.
44 If we pay the rich in gold, we will pay
you in gold. If we pay you in paper
money, we wiil pay the plethoric bond
holders in paper money.
44 We will enact laws to enable you to
buy your goods, where you can buy the
chea pest, and sell where you can get the
best price.
44 We will protect labor from the en
croachments of capital.
4 * We will leave each State to govern
itself, limited only by the Federal Consti
tution.
44 We will reduce the army in the South,
and send them to the Plains to protect
the frontier and new routes to the Far
West.
44 YVc will restore commerce, peace and
good will between the North and the
South.
44 We will reduce taxes, both State and
National.
44 We will lessen the office-holders, and
release you from taxation to support them.
44 We will enact laws inside and not f
outside the Constitution.
44 We will restore peace at lß*mc and
maintain your honor abroad.
44 We will inaugurate a day of modera
tion, order and good will, instead of hate
and ill will, as now taught by Jacobin pol
iticians.
44 We will give equal rights to all, and
grant exclusive privileges to none.
44 We will substitute calm statesman
ship for mad Jacobinism.
44 We will make pets of niggers no long
er at the expense of the whites, nor force
suffrage for tliero at the expense and a
gainst the will of those who have created
and maintain the Government."
EMBARRASSING.— A gentlemanly agent
of a ceitain city was collecting fares from
the passengers of a very full 'bus one morn
ing. All paid promptly except one fat old
lady who sat next the door, and who seem
ed to be reaching down as if to get some
thing she had dropped on the floor. When
her time came to pay she raised her head
arid thus addressed the blushing youth :
"I allers, when I travels, carry my money
in my stockin', for you sees, nothin can git
it thar ; I'd thank you, young man, jist to
reach it for ore, as I'm so jammed in that
I can't get to it." The youth looked at
the other passengers, some of whom were
laughing at his plight ; one or two young
ladies among them blushed scarlet, and he
beat a sudden retreat, muttering some
thing about not charging old ladies, etc. —
II is cash was short that morning the fare
of one passenger.
A REMARKABLE STATEMENT.— In the
trial of General Cole for the murder of
Hiscock, at Albany, on the ground of adul
tery with his (Cole's) wife, the counsel
for the accused, made the singular state
ment that 44 within the last two hundred
years no man has ever been punished by
any court of justice, either in this country
or in England, for shooting the seducer of
his wife, his dauglitdr or his sister, when
that motive, and that alone, has prompted
the fatal blow." This demoostiates the
influence of precedent in important ques
tions. Parties who desire to do anything
out of the usual order of things console
themselves with the reflection that ' 4 this is
the first time it has been.done, " and in
this manner the unwarranted deeds of some
one else are made the excuse for still more
unwarranted action on the part of others.
Nature and History curiously approved
each other's records in the case of an old
elm tree fell down in Boston the other
day. The town record shows that the elm
was planted by vote of the town of Bos
ton in the year 1733 that is, 134 years
ago ; and the annual lajers or rings of the
tree, which were plainly visible after its
trunk had been severed, were counted to
the number of 134, thus exactly corre
sponding with the date at which it was
planted. It appeare that some of the inci
dents of history are trustworthy.
fg" A Photographer in Gloucester,
Mass., was astonished by a young woman
who came to ask meekly,and innocently ;
4> How iong does it take to get a photograph
after you leave your measure ?'
THE REGISTRY ACT. —The constitution
ality of the Registry Law is to be tested
in the Supreme Court, and the 27th of the
mouth has been fixed for the hearing of
the argument, . . „
TERMS, $2.00 Per. ANNUM, in Advance.
pise att& Jsftjjwfoitt.
An editor, speaking of a large and Cat co
temporary, remarked that if all flesh was
grass, he must be a load of hay. "I expect I
am," said the fat man, ''from the way don*
keys are nibbling at me."
An old bachelor thinks the trails of ladies'
dresses infernal machines, from the fact that
a blow-up took place directly after he pat hie
foot on one.
■ - -
An orator, who had raised his audienco to
a great height by his lofty soarings, exclaim
ed, "I wil I now close in the beautiful and ex*
pressive language of the poat—l forgot his
name—and—and—l forgot what be said,
too."
One'day, at a farmhouse, a wag saw an old
gobbler trying to eat the strings of some
night caps that lay on the grass to bleach
"that," said he, "is what I call introducing
cotton into Turkey,"
An elderly gentleman traveling in a stage
coach was amused by the constant war of
words kept up between two ladies.
Ooe of them at last kindly inquired if their
conversation did not make bis bead ache,when
he answered with great naivette :
"No, madam, I have been married twenty*
eight years."
An editor out West, who had served four
days v a juryman, says : "I am so full of
law, that it is with great difficulty I refrain
from cheating sombody."
"Do you keep matches ?" asked a would
be wit, of a retail dealer.
"Oh yes, all kinds," was the reply.
"Well, then, I guess I'll take a trotting
match."
The retailer immediately handed him a box
of Braodreth's pills.
Kraatsalett's wife discovered her old hen'
setting in the back yard, and "burst up her
nest." Soon alter the poor woman came in
much excited and said—
"My dear Kraatsalett, I took the eggs from
'Brownie,' and she has gone and sot onto an
old meat axe."
"Let her set," said the bilious aid fel
low, "if she seta on an axe maybe she'll
hatchet."
A GOOD STORY.ON BCTLER.—A Washing
ton correspondent writes :
There is a loose darkey about Willard'a
hotel named Tom. You cao bribe Tom to do
anything. The other day there was a dinner
given by a New York contractor, at which it
was understood that Ben. Butler would be a
guest. Some disloyal wag, without the fear
of Congress before him, got bold of Tom, fed
him liberally, and put him up to a piece of
outrageous and treasonable tomfoolery. After
the plates were served, the boat said, "That
wil) do Tom, you can go." But Tom did'nt
go. Observing that his orders were not
obeyed, the contractor repeated, "I told yon
10 go Tom, if I want you, I will ring for
you." •
Still Tom hung abont the door and did
not retire. At last, very much warmed at
his contumacy, New York turned upon Eth
iopia and said sternly, attracting the atten
tion of the whole company, "I've told yoa
twice to leave the room, and by G—d I'll
be obeyed, or put you out myself Tom
approached the table humbly and replied ia
a subdued tone, but loud enough to be heard
by all present, ' If you please sir—with sub*
mission —I can't go. I'm obliged to stay."—
"Thth—l you are. What for? "Well
sah, if I must tell you, I must. I beg Mass*
Butler's pardon, but I'm sponsible for the
spoons. Dem 9poons is silver, an' I was
specially sent to watch em. I can't go sir."
It's as much ss my place is worth sir." Th
sequel can better be immagined than de
scribed.
COUNTRY COUSIN AND CITY BELLE—
"BuII, now, I declare, cousin Adria," said
Peleg Toothacher, as Miss Adrians Rear, a
city belle, who had just finished upon tb
Piano Forte one of tho fashionable waltzes of
the day, "you do beat all nater, what sort of
a consarn is that you play on ?"
• "A Piano Forte," was the answer.
"Pieranner Forty ! Wull, I should think
that when you played on'nt 'twas all of pian*
ner sixty. What sort of a consarn is that in
the corner there 1"
"That, sir, is a harp."
"I want tew know. I'xe heerd our minis*
ter tell of David's harp of solum sound. 1
Tarn, blere I cud set pretty darn'd late to
hear you musicize on that pianner forty ; it
cuius as nateral as courtin."
"Why, Peleg, I hope you don't go court
ing."
"You hope so now : should nt you like to
have me to cum for to court you, you tarna*
lion musical critter you ?"
"Peleg, you should not talk so."
0 you get out now, you are so orful purt
ty that I'tn afeard that 1 shall do something
despite afore long."
"Peleg, I must insist that you will not
use such language towards me, I shall not
allow it."
4 Distress in a mitten ! If I exer tell a eity
gal she is handsome again, I hops I may to
goahbuatified cbasy.d right up and spit out io
■mail quaaii'% cv
NO. 43.