HARVEY SICKLER, Publisher.
VOL. VII.
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Bus in ess N oti ees.
j> R. A%V BUTTLE ATTORNEYS AT
It LAW Olfice on Tioga Street Tunkh mmck Pa
HlkCOOm, PHYSICIAN A SURGEON
• Newton Centre, Luzerne County Pa.
r\ 1,. PAIRHi, ATTORNEY AT LAW.
' I't.i cat tLe Court lluuse, in Tunkbaumk
ft tiling Co. l'a.
UAi. ,u. PIA it. A'ilOKNEi Al La v • I
£-e 1:1 Stark's Brick Bioek Tioga St ~ 'iunk
HKk, !'a.
rU j. UHNL. ATTORNEY AND COINSEL-
I i LOR AT LAW, Nicholson, Wyoming Co-, Pa
Esiedal attention given to settlement of dece
it-'
N'-i l-on. Pa- Dec. 5, l?d"— v"nl9yl
| W. RHoADS. PHYSICIAN ASI IH.EO S,
J • w.ll attend piomptly to all calls in his pro
le--:.n. May he louod at his OGK-O al the Drug
• .re. or at hi- 1 residence on Putman Jreet, loriuerly
9 cupltd by A. hi. Pe.-kh.itu E-q.
DENTISTRY.
rvp. t, x. BURNS ha permanently located in
- ' luakhar.noct Borough, and ropc.tf ully tenders
toi itTf service* to its cititena.
01 -e on second floor, formerly by Dr.
§i sun
PORTRAIT, LANDSCAPE,
&EIUKSTIL
2PAINTIIVG,
7>y V\ 'JiCGEII, Artist.
Htcm* over the Wyoming National L-nk,in Surk's
la.'k Block,
IIVKIIANNOCK.
Life-.'ize Portraits painted from Ainh'otypcs or
Photographs t'ho'ogrnphf Painted in Oil (Mors.—
A "r li-rs for paintings exicuied according to or
der or no charge made.
|ff Instru.-tions given in Draw ing. Fketcb'hg,
f' -V.it and l. in l-cape Painting, in Oil or water
0 :..r*. and in all branches of the art.
I. :k, July 3! "el -vgso-tf.
BOLTON HOUSE. !
11 A K KIS I' l< <■ w PKNNA.
The un itrsigned having lately pun based the
" 1:1 KiILEU - j
aen el such alterations ami improvements as will;
re ier this old an 1 popular House equal, if not sup- ■
r.„r, to anv Hotel in the Ctl.v of Ilarrisburg.
\ continuance of the public patronage is refpect
fa.ly solicited.
GEO. J. BOLTON
WALL'S HOTEL7
LATE, AMERICAN HOUSE,
TV N KII.VN NOCK, W YOMISG CO., I'A
THIS establiihmcnt has recently heen refitted an
furnished in tne latest style Everv attention
mi; he yiveu to the comfort and convenience of those
patronize the I!oue.
T B- WALL, Owner and Proprietor .
Tunkhannock, September 11, IS6I
- BRANCH HOTEL,
MKnHOPPEN, WYOMING COUNTY, PA
IVm. 11. CORTRIGHT, rrop'r
ITAVING resumed the proprietorship of the above
II Hotel, the undersigned will spare no efforts
ts r ier fhe house an agreeable place oi sojourn to
•11 who may favor it with their custom.
Win 11 CORTRIGIIT.
June, 3rd, 1R53
MEANS' HOTEL.
TOWA.NDA. R-A-.
P. B. BAKTI.ET,
Lateolt- ''BRAisAnn HOIISB, ELUIHA, N. Y
PKUPKILTOK.
The MEANS HOTEL, i- one of tne LARGEST
and BEST ARRANGED Houses in the country —lt
"f'tedup in the most modern and improved style
Hoi no pains are spared to make it a pleasantand
•greeable stopping place for all,
v3n'2l-ly.
mssoL'niox.
THE Copartnership heretofore eiit ing betweea
Jacob Bell and Charles E. McYicar, in the
L'acksmiihitig business, is ibis day dissolved by niu
htal consent.
The business will be carried on at the old etani
l J Jacob Ball. JACOB BELL
CUAS E. Mc VICAR.
Mareb 21, 166—84i
TUMHANNOCK, WYOMING CO., PA. -WEDNESDAY, APR. 22. 1868.
§etrick's Column.
Spring Trade for '6B
Will open on or about the Ist of May,
| AT TUNKHANNOCK, PENN'A.
C. Detricli,
(SICCESSOR TO BCXXELL A BASSATY.NE,)
Proposes to establish himself pennancutly
in trade at this place, at the Brick
store house in Sam'l Stark's Block,
where by fair dealing and fair
prices he expects to merit and
receive the public patronage.
Attention is called to the following in
Dry Goods :
SILKS,
POPLINS,
ALPACAS,
LUSTRES,
DELAINES.
GINGHAM!,
PRINTS,
SHAWLS.
LADIES* SACQ.UINGS,
DREJIS TRIMMINGS,
• BLEACHED AND BROWN MUSLINS,
CLOTHS AND CASSIMKRES
GENTS' FURNISHING GOODS,
TOILET ARTICLES.
NOTIONS, AC.
Groceries.
SUGAR,
TEA,
+-
COFFER,
MOLASSES,
RICE,
SYRUP,
CANDLES,
SOAP,
STARCH,
FLOUR,
FEED,
SALT,
PORK,
BUTTER,
CHEESE,
DRIED BEEF,
HAMS,
*
FISH of all kindi,
BEANS,
AC., AC.,
Hardware,
A FULL ASSORTMENT.
Cutlery
OF ALL KINDS,
MEN'S AND BOYS'
|a Hats and Caps,
i Boots $ Shoes,
A FULL ASSORTMENT.
Thil branch of boainew mails a apsciality A lot of
SEWED ARMY SHOES,
A GREAT BARGAIN,
SOLE LEATHER.
CROCKERY.
BTOMB,
WOOD AND
TINWARE,
iu groat variety.
All kiuda of Produce taken in exebaogo for Goods.
Th. abort article, will bo nspt in ftill aaoortmoot.
I moan to make tbo experiment of gooda lold in
quantitea cheaper than ever before in thia rteinity.
I shall be beppy to see you, end yen can depend np
j on finding bargains In every department. Goods re-
Iceired every week.
Raapeotfnlly yours,
a V3Z&ZC&
j Inbj.
THE THBEE CALLERS
BY CHAS. BWAINI.
j Morn calletb fonuly to a fair boy straying
' 'Mid golden meadows, rich with elover dew :
Sbeealls—but he still thinks ot nought save playing
And so she smiles and waves him an adieu 1 m
Whilst he, still merry with his flowery store,
Deems not that Morn, sweet Mum returns no more.
Noon cometh—but the boy to manhood growing,
lleeds hot the time. He sees but one sweet form,
One young, fair face, from bower of jasmine glowing,
And all his loving heart with bliss is warm,
i So Noon, unnoticed seeks tha western shore,
And man forgets that Noon returns no more.
Night tappeth gently at a ensement gleaming
With the thin fire-light, flickering faint and low ;
By which a gray-haired man is aadly dreaming
O'er pleasures gone, as all Life's pleasures go.
Night calls him to her—and he leaves his door,
Silent and dark— and he returns no more.
BEAUTIFUL EXTRACT.
Ob, if (here is one law above the rest,
Written in Wisdom—if there is a word
That I would trace as with v a pen of fire
Upon the unsullied temper of a child—
If there is anything that keeps the miad
Open to angel visits, and repels
The ministry of ill — 'tis human loct !
God has made nothing worthy of contempt,
The smallest pebble in the well ol truth
Has its peculiar meaning and will stand
When man's best monuments wear first away.
The law of heaven is lore, and though its name
Has been usurped by passion and profaned
lo its unholy uses though all ihs time,
Still, the eternal principle is pure ;
AD2 these deep affections that we feel
Omnipotent within us, can we see
The lavish measure in which life is giv'n
And the yearning tenderness of a child,
For every bird that sings above its bead
And eveiy creature, feeding on the hills,
And every tree, flower, and running brook,
We see how everything was made to love,
And bow they err in a world like this,
Find anything to hate but human pride.
THE JOSH BILLINGS PAPERS.
JAW BONES.
Dry goods are worshipped in this world
now more than the Lord iz.
CuiiLcilling with fear iz the way cowards
are made, councilling with hope iz the way
heroes are made, councilling with faith iz
the way Christians are made.
Pleazure iz like a hornet —generally
ends in a sting.
The most dangerous characters in the
world are # thoze who live in the subherbs
ov viitew —th-*y are rotten ice.
Lazvuess iz a good deal like money—
the more a man liaz the more he seems to
want.
Thare iz no such things az inheriting
virtew, money and titles aud fever kan be
inherited.
The virtews ova convent are like hot
house fruits—tender, but tasteless.
Life iz like a mountain—after climbing
up one side and sliding down the other,put
np the sled.
When a man proves a literary failure,
he generally sets up for a criiick, and like
the T'X ill ihe fable, who bad lost biz blush
in a trap, kant see a nice long tad without
hankering tew bob it.
The devil owes most ov biz success tew
the fackt that he iz alwuz on hand.
Coquetts often beat up the game, while
the Prudes bag it.
Thare iz only one excuse for impudence
and that iz igporanze.
Modest men, in irieing tew be impudent
alwns git sassy.
liepntHshuii iz like money—the princi
pal is often lost by putting it out at in
terest.
Jealousy iz nothing more than vanity,
for if we love another uiore than we *do
ourselfs, we shunt be jealous.
Thare iz lots ov folks in this world who,
rather than not find auy fault at all, wo'd'nt
hesitate tew say tew an angle worm that hiz
tail wuz altogether too long for the restov
hiz buddy.
Thare iz menny who are kut out for
smart men who won't pay for making up.
Envy iz an insult tew a man's good
sense for envy iz the pain we feel at the
excellencies ov others.
llow menny people thare iz whose
souls lay ia them, like the pith in a goose
quill.
AMUSING RECEIPTS.
To make a lemon drop. Let it fall off
the table.
To make a stomach cake. Use plenty of
unripe fruit
To make a(n )ice cream. Stick a pin
in the bahy.
To make cats sup. Give them milk.
To make toad in-the-hole. Make a hole
in the ground and drop a toad in it.
To make a nice pickle. Hunt in a
drawer for something in the dark.
To make a bed. Dig into the pillows,
rake up the sheets, and hoe the blankets,
sew up (he holes in the quilt, and finish by
destroying all insects.
To beat carpets. Use matting; for
coolness it beat 3 carpets.
To make a window blind, Fill it up
with bricks and mortar.
To prevent the creaking of a door. —
Nail it up.
To obtain sleep. Have nothing but
I 44 nodding acquaintances."
To keep up yonr spirits. Place the de-
I canters on tbt roof of lb® bouse.
" To Speak his Thoughts is Every Freeman's Right. "
YOUR FIRST SWEETHEART.
You can never forget her. She was so
very young, and innocent, and pretty. —
She had such away of looking at you over
her hymn-book in church. She alone, of
all the world, did not think you a boy of
eighteen, but wondered at yonr size and
learning, and your taint foreshadowing of
a sunny moustache,, and believed you every
incli a man. When at those stupid even
ing parties, where boys who should have
been in the nursery, and girls who should
have eaten supper of bread and milk, and
gone to sleep hours before, waltzed and
Hirted and made themselves sick over oys
ters and champagne, you were favored
with a glance of her eye or a whisper from
her you ascended to the seventh Leaven
immediately. When once, upon a certain
memorable eve, she polkaed with the drug
gist's clerk, and never looked at you, how
miserably you were. It is funny to think
of now, but it was not funny then, for you
were awfully in earnest,
One?, ala pie-nic, she wore a whit*
dress, and bad roses twined in her black
hair, and she looked so like a biide that
you fairly trembled ; sometimes you llio't
in just such snowy costume, with just such
blossoms in her hair, she might stand be
side the altar, and you, most blessed of all
mortals, might place a golden ring upon
her finger ; and when you are left alone
with her for a moment, some of your tho'ts
would form themselves into words, and
though she blushed and ran away, and
would not let you kiss her. she did not
seem to be angry. And then you were
somehow parted for a little while, and
when you met again she was walking with |
a gentleman, a large, well whiskered man
of twenty-eight or thirty, and had neither
word or smile for you. And some well
meaning gossip informed you shortly that
she was a engaged" to the tall gentleman
with black whiskers, and that '• it was a
splerdid match." It was terrible news to j
you then, and sent you off to some great
city, far from your native place, where, j
after a good deal of youthful grief, and ma- :
ny resolutions to die and haunt tier, you j
recovered your equanimity, and began to I
make money and to call love stuff and non- '
sense.
You have a rich wife of vo ir own now,
and giown tip children—aye, even two or j
tliro,. i-l.thlron almnt nnr j
hearth ; your hair is gray, and you lock j
your heart up in the fire proof sale at your j
counting house when you go home at night.
Anil you thought )ou had forgotten that
little episode of your nineteenth year, un
til the other day, when you read of her
death in the papers. You know she was
a stout ladv who wore glasses, and had
daughters older than she was in that olden ■
time, but your heart went back anil you j
saw her smiling and blushing, with her ,
golden hair about the face, and yourself a
boy again, dreaming ot wedding robes and |
rings, and you laid your gray old head up
on your office desk and wept for the mem- ;
ory of your first sweetheart.
Covetous people often seek to shel
ter themselves behind the. widow's mile, J
and give hut a paltry sum to the benevo- j
lent objects under color of her contribu- f
lions The following incident has a moral
to all such.
A gentleman called upon a wealthy
friend for a contribution.
" Yes, I sunpose I must give my mite,"
said the rich man.
" You mean the widow's mite, I sup
pose," replied the other.
44 To be sure I do "
The gentleman continued :
44 I will be satisfied with half as much J
as she gave. How tnuch are you worth ?' j
41 Seventy thousand dollars." j
44 Give mc a cheek, then, for thirty-five ,
thousand ; that w ill be half as much as she
gave —all she had."
This was a new idea lo the wealthy
morcant.
MECHANICS. — They are the palace build
ers of the world; not a slick is hewn, not
a stone is shaped in ail the lordly dwell
ings of the rich, that does not owe its beau
' ty°Hiid fi.ness-to the skill of the mechanic.
The towering spires that raised their giu
dy heads among the clouds, depend upon
the mechanic's art for their strength and
symmetry. Not an edifice for devtion, or
business, or comfort, but bears the impress
of their hands. How exalted is their vo
cation ! how sublime their calling. I heir
path is one of true glory, it is their own
fault if it docs not lead tliem to the high
est post of honor and renowa.
THE WIDOWER. —The death of a man's
wife is like cutting down an ancient oak
that has long shadowed the famdy man
sion. Henceforth the glare of the worlJ,
with its cares and vicissitudes falls upon
the widower's heart, and tln-re is uoihing
to break its force, or shield liirn from the
full weight of his misfortune. It is as it
his right hand were withered —as if one
wing were broken anil every movement
that he made, brought him to the ground.
liis eyes are dim Hnd gla?sy ; and when
the film of death falls over him lie misses
those accustomed tones which have smootli
ed his passage to the grave
KEEP IN GOOD HUMOR.— It is not great
Calamities that embitter existence; it is
the petty vexations, the small jealousies,
the minor miseries that make the heart
heavy and the temper sour. Don't let
them. Anger is a pure waste of vitality ;
it is always disgraceful, except in some
very rare cases, when it i* kindled by see
ing wrong done to another. But even
that noble rage seldom mends the mal
i ter,
j Til* FAT* o VANITT.— The New York
| papers are moralizing over the fact that a
young lady recently diopped down in the
street owing to a congestion of the lungs
arising from tight lacing. She was, says
one paper, an estimable young woman, well
informed, pious and exemplary ; hut nei
ther her piety nor her amiability, her in
telligence nor her sense of decorum, was
equal to her vanity. She was too plump,
Jo speak daintily. She was too stout, to
1 use llie diction of society. She was too
fat, to employ vulgar phraseology, for her
conceited sense of the genteel, if not the
! beautiful. Her self-complacency was
| more disgusted with her tendency to obseity
than she cared to manifest; and whether
ior not she drank vinegar (as many fool
, ish ones do ) to counteract the tendency,
' or dieted herself upon the bantling system,
j she was ashamed of nature's generosity
that she tried to conceal it by tight lacing.
, The blood thus driven to the head in in
' ordinate proportions put hei life in danger
| every time she indulged in ihe slightest
exercise.; but her figure was of more con
sequence to her than her life. She would
rather be dead, with all her pi'ty and ami
ability, than 6tout-waisted. Site prefer
red to meet her God, as a suicide, than
! meet her fellow creatures in a state of
such plumptitnde, and we see the finale of
i Iter vanity ! But how many women, old
as well as young are '* killing themselves
' bv inches" after this fashion, in the midst
of us ? Is there one amongst us who
could not lay his hand upon a number
whose vanity is thus digging out for them
selves day after day, a burial place in the
But drive on as last as you
choose, ladies, as Mark Twain says, it is
none of our funeral !
UNEARTHING A MISBR'S HOARDINGS. —
" Napock " writes from New York to the
Chicago Journal :
" A friend of your correspondent, living
in Brooklyn, was appointed executor for
his wife's uncle, who died suddenly a few
days ago. The latter was far advanced in
years, ar.d had lived almost alone for a
verv long period in a small house in Har
lem. He Ladled a miser's life, spending
little tnore than was necessary to keep
body and soul together, and to outward
appearance, being vfl-y poor, llis relative, ;
however, believed that lie had some money !
about bun and Brnvn-dlnolw the evcQUlor j
recently began a search for it. Lp to j
this date he has found between five or six
thousand dollars in gold and silver The
coin was secreted in old shoes, in the beds,
ot buried in little heaps uuder the tloor.—
Many ot the coins thus far found are as
fresh and new as if they had just come j
from the mint, though bearing date all ihe
wav as far back as thirty years. The I
search is still going on, and new coins are
dailv being brought to light. The executor j
will not be surpiied if fully fifty thousand |
dollars are turned out before the search
about the house and lot is concluded. — |
This is no story of imagination, but a '
truthful account of what has transpired in
Harlem.
ALASKA.— The present prospect is that
our purchase of the Busman American
possessions is to be a failure, even after
taking possession. The payment of the
money was to be made on the 20th, of
April. But the Radical Congress, purely
for the sake of mortifying Mr, Seward,
and thus hitting him a back-handed slap
in the face, has put off the consideration j
of t! e question of the necessary appro
priation until the 20th of May next. —
Thus the honor and credit of the nation
is to be dishonored simply to subserve
partisan malice. If the treaty be wrong, 1
iu the estimation of the House, why is it
not manfully and publicly declared ? Why
sneak behind a delay until after our na
tional credit is dishonored ?
lIICKUAN AFTER THE NTGRO WoMEN
OF HARRISBURG. — It might have been
supposed that Hickman's remarks at Ilar
risburg, a few days since, iu which he de
clared that " I may probably see the day
that I may walk side by side with a color
ed woman. 1 have seen many a colored
woman that I would lather walk with
than a great many men, " —would have
; produced some comment or excitement —
i Whatever it may have done elsewhere,
!we are free to say that hero, where he is
personally known, and where his habits are
faiuilliar to the people, it lia9 excited no
remark whatever. — IFrsl Chester Jeffer
souiun.
A BEAUTIFUL SENTIMENT. — Mr. Chal
mers beautifully says; " Ihe little that I
have seen of the world and know of the
history of mankind, tenches me to look
upon thi ir errors irv sorrow, not in anger.
When 1 take history of one poor heart
that has sinned and suffered, and represent
to mvsclf the struggles and temptations it
passed through —the brief pulsations of
joy, tlu tears of regret; the feebleness of
purpose ; the scorn of the woHd that has
little charity ; the desolation of the soul's
sanctuary, and threatening voices within—
health gone, happiness gone—l would fain
i leave the erring soul of my fellow-men
: with Uiiu from whose hands it came. "
mm
The wife of a mechanic died lately in j
Detroit, and <>n the night after the body
had been laid out one of the watchers tho't
she discovered evidences of life. Restora
tives were applied, and the body warmed,
and at the end of five days life was re
stored, the patient opened her eyes, and
is now in a fair way of recovery. The
coffin had been prepared, and the body
placed iu it, and but for the discovery of
the watcher undoubtedly there would have
been a oaw of burytng atiy*
fyA distinguished ex-Governor of
Ohio, famous for story-telling, relates that
on one occasiou, while he was addressing
a temperance meeting at Georgetown,
! District of Columbia, and depicting the
! miseries caused by too freely indulging in
: the flowing bowl, his attention was at
tracted by the sobs of a disconsolate and
, 6eedy looking individual seated iu the
rear part of the room. On going to the
| person and interrogating him, the Govern
or was told the usual tale of woe ; among
| othea sad incidents, that during his career
;of vice he had buried three wives. The
; Governor having buried a few wives of
his own, sympathized deeply with the in
ebriate, and consoled him as much as was
!in his power. Said he : " The Lord has,
indeed, deeply afflicted you." The mourn
er, sobbing, replied : "Yves, he has;"
and, pausiug a minute, and, wiping his
nose, he continued, " but I don't tbink the
Lord got much ahead of me, for as fast
as He look one, 1 took another !"
O.v THE TRACK. — The other day, I
heard a mother ask a little son to do some
thing. "In a minute, " he replied. She
spoke again. But it was one, two, three,
four, five limes before he minded her.
It makes me think of the switch-tender's
boy. What if he had waited a minute be
fore minding his father? A switch-ten
der in Prussia was just going to move the
rail, in order to put a coming train of cars
on a side track, when lie caught sight of
his little son playing on the track. The
engine was in sight, and be had not a
moment to spi re. He might jump and
save his child ; but lie could not do that
and turn the switch in time: and if it were
not done, the on-coming train would meet
another train, and a terrible crash and
smash take place. The safety of hundreds
of lives depended upon his fidelity. What
could he do/ "Lie .down ! lie down!"
he called, with a loud, quick voice to the
child; and seizing the switch, the train
passed safely on its proper track.
Did the heavy train run over the boy ?
Was he killed ? Was he crushed to
pieces ? No, for he did just as his father
told him, and did it instantly, lie fell
fiat between the rails and the cars went
high ever his head ; and when the anxious
father sprang to the spot, there be was a
live and well : not a liair was touched.—
saved his life. He did not stop a minute.
Even a moment's hesitation would have
been too late.
A KC-KLUX GHOST IN A SATE. — The
Nashville Dispatch, states that a few
nights since, the clerks at the Chattanoo
ga Depot perpetrated a fearful joke upon
a daikie employed there, who goes by the
name of General Butler. One of them,
wrapping himself in a washed sheet
and donuing a tall hat constructed of blot
ting paper, placed himself inside of a big
safe, and at a late hour the negro was sstit
to the safe with two books, which he had
orders to deposit. Asbe slowly swung
the door on its hinges, a deep groan that
seemed to come from the door itself in
complaint at being disturbed, nearly lifted
poor Butler from his boots. Almost sim
ultaneously, a shriek as from some yawn
ing grave, fell upon his ear, and a ghostly
figure tushed towards him. With a loud
yell of horror and dismay, the darkie sank
upon the flooY, where he doubled himself
as if of India rubber, and lay till the
graceless scamps who bad imposed upon
him could biing to bear the proper re
storatives, and lay the mischievous ghost
who had come 60 near being the death of
him.
Is CoNSUMPitoN CONTAGIOUS ? Popu
lar belief lias generally been on the side
of the contagiousness of pulmonary con
sumption. In Southern Europe, it is a
part of sanitary legislation to destroy the
clothes and bedding of those who have
died of this disease. Until recently, the
opinions of medical men have leaned to
the other side. Experiments and obser
vations now being made iu Europe seem
to show that tubercle introduced by inoc
ulation into a body of a healthy animal
will give rise to tuberculosis, or the for
mation and deposit of the like matter in
the tissues and organs. Dr. Gerhard ter
miuatcs his paper on the treatment of
continued fevers .by some remarks on the
transmission of pulmonary consumption
from one person to another, when sleep
ing in the same bed. He says: " I
should set dowu the probability of con
sumption occurringto persons thus exposed
to contagion as husband • and wife, two
sisters, or two brothers, sleeping together
iu close rooms, to be at least three-fold
greater than ordinary, if they be long ex
posed to inhale the exhalations from one
patient to another. "
joungman having preached for
his bishop, was anxious to get a word of j
applause for bis labor of love. The bishop
however, did not introduce the subject,
and his younger brother had to bait the
book for him. 44 1 hope sir, Idid not weary
your "people by the length of my sermon
to-day ?" / No, sir, not at all; nor by the
depth either 1"
(9* Why do annual flowering plauts
resemble whales ? Because they only
come up to blow.
49" Why does a dog looking for liis
master resemble an orange? Because he
looks all round.
TERMS, $2.00 Per. ANNUM, in Advance.
NO. 37.
pise antr fftherfeise.
"When shall se have another war with
Turkey ? Next Thanksgiving day.
When ia a trout like a bird ? Ana When
it takes a fly.
"Doctor, what will cure the fevor of love?"
"The child of wedlock, Mademoiselle."
I "
A tender-hearted railway engineer says
he never runs oTer a man when he can help
it, "because it always musses up the track
80."
"Sal," said one girl to another, "I am so
glad I have no beau now 1" "Why so ?" ask
ed the other. "Oh, cause I can eat as many
onions as I please."
"Father/'said a cubler's lad as ho was
pegging away at an old shoe, "they say that
trout bite everything now." "Well, well,
replied the old gentleman, "stick to your
work and they won't bite you."
One evening a young lady played a piece
of music consisting of twenty four pages.—
James Ward, in referring to it the next day,
said tfeey were favored with music by the
quire.
Dry Jen was so bound up in his books that
his wife one day exclaimed, "I with I were
a book that I might always bo in your so
ciety." "I wish you were an almanac, so I
could change you every year," ho ungallanU
ly replied.
■4* - ■
An urchin in a country school, was reading
the verse in the New Testament which reads
thus :—And he saw Abraham afar off, with
Lazarus in his bosom." The boy gravely
spelt it out thus And-he-saw a broom
afaroff witb-lether ears-in-Boston,
"You have lost your baby, I hear," said
one gentleman to another. "Yes, poor little
thing ! It was only five months old. We
did all we could for It. We had four doctors,
blistered its head and feet, put mustard poul
;<.*• ii ;• it nine calomel r°"" , * r9 '
leached its temples, baa u o;eu, and gave it
all kuids of medicines; and yet,after a week's
illness, it died."
A gentleman said to one of his sons who
used to lie in-bed late in the morning.—
"Your brother gut up thia morning at five
o'clock,and fouod on the sidewalk a purse
of gold." "Very well," replied the lazy
youDg man, "if the poor fellow to whom it
belonged had remained in till ten, ho proba- *
bly would not have lost it."
Tha latest specimen ot juvenile literature
is tbia :
As Wi-lNi-am Wilk-ios was walk-iog in
the gar den one day, he met his dear sister,
and thus he did say : "Why is a squash like
a lit tie newsboy ?" She gave it up. "Be
cause," said the wicked boy, "the old er he
grows the more of a yel-ler he will be." His
good grandmamma orerheard him, and he
went to bed sick with grief.
A Yarikee basing.told an Englishman that
he shot, on one particular occasion 999 snipe,
his interlocutor asked him why he did'nt
make it a thousand at once.
"No," said be, "not likely I'm go'mg to
tell a lie for one snipe."
Whereupon the Englishman, determined
not to be outdone, began to tell a long story
of a man having swam from Liverpool to Bos
ton,
"Did you see him !" asked the Yankee,sud
denly, "did you see him yourself ?"
"Why, yes, of course I did ; I wss coming
across, and our vessel passed him a mile out
of Boston harbor."
"Bell, I'm glad ye saw him, stranger, 'cos
yer a witness that 1 did it. That was ma !"
The following coloqoy took place between
a New York census marshal and a native of
Germany :
" Who lives here ?"
"Yaw."
" What 'a your name ?"
"Sharmany on der Rhine."
"What's your lather's name ?"
"Nix fer shtay."
"When did you arrive in Little Falls 1" ,
"Mid der cars."
"Got any children ?"
"Yaw—two barrels, mit kraut."
"How long have you been in this housa ?"
"Two tDd der basement."
"Who own* the building 1"
"I pays nothing. Ilans pays der same
twice a month."
"Where did you live last year ?"
"Across der retire as you come up with
der market in yer right hand behind der
pedstock what belongs to der blacksmith
shop." *
"Coffee, wat you link de moat useful obdo
plannets—de son or de mune ?"
" Well, Sambo, I link de muDe ortcr take
de fus rank in dat ar' 'ticular."
"Why you tink so Coffee ?"
"Well, 1 tell you; ka she shines by
night when ws went light, and de sua shine*
by day whoo era do *o P*