Wyoming democrat. (Tunkhannock, Wyoming Co., Pa.) 1867-1940, November 27, 1867, Image 1

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    Upmitig jjflfffo Bemorvat
Pgaraiitg ffmartai
Terms—! copy 1 year, (in advance) $"2,00 ; if
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TOR'S NOTICES, of the usual length, $'2,50
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or dvertisements must be handed in by TcBI
DET NOON, to insure insertion the same week.
if all kinds neatly executed, and at prices to suit
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WORK must be paid for, when ordered
Business Notices.
LAW Office OR Tioga Street Tunkbannoek Fa
• Newton Centre, LuierneCounty Pa.
• Offi-e at the Court House, in Tuukhannock
Wyoming Co. Pa.
it fice m Stark's Brick Block Tioga St., Tunk
■tnnock, Pa.
J. will attend promptly to all calls in hispro
(usion. May be found at his Office at the Drug
Store, or at his residence on Putman Sreet, formerly
occupied by A. K. Peckham Esq.
DR. L T. BURNS has permanently located in
Tunkharinock Borough, and respectfully tenders
hi# professional services to its citizens.
Office on second floor, formerly occupied by Dr.
3?2xxrc loxro,
liy 7C. HUG EH, Artist.
Rooms over the Wyoming National bank,in Stark's
Brick Block,
Life-size Portraits painted from Ambrotypes or
Photographs —Photographs Painted in Oil Colors. —
All orders for pointings executed accordingto or
der, or no charge made.
LV Instructions given in Drawing. Sketching,
Portrait and Landscape Painting, in Oil or water
Colors, and in all branches of the art,
Tuuk , July 31, "g7 -vgnoO-tf.
The Subscriber having had a sixteen years prac
ttcal experience in cuttiag and making clothing
BOW offers his services in this line to the citizens of
NIOBOLSON and vicinity.
Those wishing to get Fits will find his shop the
|7i-e to get them.
The undersigned having lately purchased the
" BUEULER HOUSE " property, has already com- i
tnencel such alterations aDd improvements as will |
render this old and popular House equal, if not supe
rior, to any Hotel in the City of Harrisburg.
A continuance of the public patronage is refpect
fully solicited.
THIS establishment has recently been refitted an
A furnished in the latest style Every attention
nil be given to the comfort and convenience of those
•ho patronise the House
T. B. W ALL, Owner and Proprietor-:
__Tuokhannock, September 11, 1861.
Wm. H. CORTRIGHT, Prop'r
ITAVINQ resumed the proprietorship of the above
A underaigMd will spare no efforts
render the honse an agreenble place of sojourn to I
sil who may favor it with theircustom.
June, 3rd, 1863
nd BEST ARRANGED Houses in the country-It
'< fitted up in the most modern and improved style, j
and no pains are spared to make it a pleasant and
•greeable stoppngi jqace for all,
v 3- My
Jt . THK peculiar taint or
_ rL Infection which. wo
NEp ' CJi ' call SCROTI: LA lurks
▼ yl! In the constitutions of
/gjj Y. multitudes of men. It
e^er P ro^ucel or "
■ I vitiated state
llfeof the blood, wherein
JT J xßFthat fluid becomes in
yßf competent to eustain
v 'tal forces in their
act ' on ' ant^
decay. The scrofulous contamination is va
riously caused by mercurial disease, low
living, disordered digestion from unhealthy
food, impure air, filth and filthy habits,
the depressing vices, and. above all, by
the venereal infection. Whatever be its
origin, it is hereditary in the constitution,
descending " from parents to children unto
the third and fourth generation;" indeed, it
seems to be the rod of Ilini who says, "I will
visit the iniquities of the fathers upon their
cliihlren." The diseases it originates take
various names, according to the organs it
attacks. In the lungs, Scrofula produces
tubercles, and finally Consumption; in the
glands, swellings which suppurate and be
come ulcerous sores; in the stomach and
bowels, derangements which produce indi
gestion, dyspepsia, and liver complaints; on
the skin, eruptive and cutaneous affections.
These, all living the same origin, require tho
same remedy, viz., purification and invigora
tion of the blood. Purify the blood, and
these dangerous distempers leave you. With
feeble, foul, or corrupted blood, you cannot
have health; with that "life of the flesh"
healthy, you cannot have scrofulous disease.
Ayer's Sarsaparilla
is compounded from the most effectual anti
dotes that medical science lias discovered for
this afflicting distemper, and for the cure of
the disorders it entails. That it is far supe
rior to any other remedy yet devised, is
known by all who have given it a trial. That
it does combine virtues truly extraordinary
in their effect upon this class of complaints,
is indisputably proven by the great multitude
of publicly known and remarkable cures it
has made of the following diseases: King's
Evil, or Glandular Swellings, Tumors,
Eruptions, Pimples, Blotches and Sores,
Erysipelas, Rose or St Anthony's Fire,
Salt Rheum, Scald Head, Coughs from
tuberculous deposits in the lungs, White
Swellings, Debility, Dropsy, Neuralgia,
Dyspepsia or Indigestion, Syphilis and
Syphilitic Infections, Mercurial Diseases,
Female Weaknesses, and. indeed, the whole
series of complaints that arise from impurity
of the blood. Minute reports of individual
eases may be found in AYER'S AMERICA*
ALMANAC, which is furnished to the druggists
for gratuitous distribution, wherein may be
learned the directions for its use, and some
of the remarkable cures which it has made
when all other remedies had failed to afford
relief. Those cases are purposely taken
from nil sections of the country, in order
that every reader may have access to some
one who can speak to liiin of its benefits from
personal experience. Scrofula depresses the
vital energies, and thus leaves its victims far
more subject to disease and its fatal results
than are healthy constitutions. Hence it
tends to shorten, and does greatly shorten,
the average duration of human We. The
vast importance of these considerations has
led us to spend years in perfecting a remedy
which is adequate to its cure. This wo now
offer to the public under the name of AYFR'S
SARSATARILI.A, although it is composed of
ingredients, some of which exceed the best
of Sarsaparilla in alterative power. By its
aid you may protect yourself from the suffer
ing and danger of these disorders. I'urgo
out the foul corruptions that rot anil fester
in the blood, purge out the causes of disease,
and vigorous health will follow. ly its pecu
liar virtues this remedy stimulates the vital
functions, anil thus expels the distempers
which lurk within the system or burst out
on any part of it.
We know the public have been deceived
by many compounds of Sareapcrilla, that
promised much and did nothing; but they
will neither bo deceived nor disappointed in
this. Its virtues have been proven by abun
dant trial, and there remains no question of
its surjmssing excellence for the cure of the
afflicting diseases it is intended to reach.
Although under the same name, it is a very
different medicine from any other which has
lieen before the people, anil is far "more ef
fectual than any other which has ever been
available to thein.
The World's Great Remedy for
Coughs, Colds, Incipient Con
sumption, and for the relief
of Consumptive patients
in advanced stages
of the disease.
This has been so long used and so uni
versally known, that we need do no more
than assure the public that its quality is kept
j up to the liest it ever has been, and that it
may be relied on to do all it has ever done.
Prepared by I)K. J. C. AVER & Co.,
Practical and Analytical Chemist*,
Lowell. Mass.
Sold by all druggists every where.
For sale byßuniiell A Bannatyne, and Lyman A
Whlls, Tunkhaunork. Sterling A Son, Meshoppen,
Stevens A Ackley, Laceyville, Frear, Iwan A Co ,
Faetoryville, and all Druggists aud Desists in tned
, icines, everywhere.
Teetli Positively Kxtracteil
This Substance is applied directly to the gums
producing a numbness (local Anaesthesia) of only the
parts around the tooth, wherehy it can be extracted
without any pain whatever, and without unpleasant
ness to the Patient:
Surgeon Dentist,
I Laceyville, Pa.---v7no-3m:
|of Urine, irritation, inflamation, or ulceration of the
bladder, of kidneys, diseases of the prostrate glands,
stone iu the bladder, calculus, gravel or brick dust
deposits, and all diseases ot the bladder, kidneys,
; and dropsical swelllings.
ileawbola's Extract Buchu*
j aqpausd flrr avjr
One more insane one
Ruined, for life,
The reason a plain one,—
He's taken a wife
Loving him tenderly,
This widjw so fair
Trim and so slenderly,
Took him in snare.
Where was his lather !
Where was his mother 1
Where was his sister!
Where was his brother!
Or was there no sharper one
Still than another !
For the bleak winds ef March
He cares not a staver,
But h's wife's "frowning arch"
Make# him tremble and shiver.
Once he looked boldly,
No matter how coldly,
Life's currents ran ;
The girls he could wink at them.
Smile at and think of them,
Like a gay single man ;
His miseries now shrink at them—-
Be wise ! wise when you can.
Let tbem lie—ah ! let them lie !
Plucked flowers—dead to-morrow ;
Lift the lid up quietly,
As you'd lift the mystery
Of a buried sorrow.
Let them lie—the fragrant thingi,
All their aouls thus giving;
Let ro breeze's ambient wings,
And no useless water-springs,
Mock tbem into living.
They have lived—they live no more ;
Nothing can requite them,
For the gentle life they bore,
Which to up-yield in fall (tore
It did so delight them.
Yes, I ween, flower corses fair!
'Twos a joyful yielding ,
Like some Heroic, rare,
That leaps boldly forth in the air
For its loved one's shielding.
Surely, ye were gfad to die
In the hand that slew ye;
Glad to leave the open sky,
And the airs that wandered by.
And the bees that knew ye.
Giving up a email earth-place,
Aud a day of blooming.
Here to lie in a narrow space,
Smiling in this smileless face
With such sweet perfuming.
0 ye little violets ! dead,
Confined from all gazes,
We will also smile and shed
Out of heart-floweis withered
Perfume of sweet praises.
And as ye, for this poor sake,
Lore with life are buying,
So, I doubt not One will make
All our gathered flowers to take
Richer scent through dying.
Chamber'* Journal.
When four woodiarke are allowed to do
all the singing in the forest, and four seraphs
all the singing of heaveD,theo can our church
es afford to depend for siDging upon four per
aons who stand in the loft, with their throats
yet sore froui singirg at tho opera, executing
their fugue tune, and torturing our good old
hyuius in the following style !
"We'll catch the flee
We'll catch the flee
We'll catch the flee-ting hour."
"Pity our pol
Pity our pol
Pity oar pal-luted souls."
"He'll take the pil
He'll take the pil
He'll take the pil-gritn home."
' With reverence let the saints appear,
And bow —ow—ow before the Lord."
TRUE.—Dr. Franklin remarked that a
man as often gets two dollars for the one
he spends informing his mind, as a dollar
laid out in auotber way. A man eats a
pound of sugar and it is gone and the
pleasure he has enjoyed is ended, and the
information he gets from a newspaper is
treasured up to be enjoyed anew, and to
be used whenever occasion or inclination
calls for it A newspaper is not the wis
dom of a man, oi two men, it is the wis
dom of the age, and of past ages too. A
family without a newspaper is always be
hind the times in general information ;
besides they can never think much or find
much to talk about. And then there are
the little ones grtfwing up without any
taste for reading. Who, then, would ba
without a newspaper—and who would read
one regular without paying for it.
"Betsey, get up and get me Bomething to
"Why, John, there's nothing cooked."
"Well, get up and cook somethißg."
"There's nothing to cook."
"Nothing at all 7"
"No "
"Well, get up, and get a clean knife and
fork—l'll go thro' the motions anyhow."
A Montgomery paper in describing an ex
ecution, (ays that "after tho singing and
praying, I he hatchet of Sam Alexander, Esq.,
wafted the eoul of the unfortunate man into
" To Speak his Thoughts is Every Freeman's Right. "
"Don't you think my daughter Zephyri
na is a very fine figure ?" said Mrs. Long,
tbe other evening, to Mr. Short, as she
was sitting beside him on the sofa, and
Zephyrina was playing on the harp. —
Mrs. Long had several daughters to dis
pose of, and Mi. Short was a bachelor
well to do in the world. His temper was
a little crabbed, and his wit a little sar
castic ; but Mrs. Long had daughters to
marry, the eldest of whom, Zephyrina was
none of the youngest, her precise age we
do not know, and if we did, it would not
be polite to mention it.
"Don't yon think my daughter Zephy
rina is a very fine figure said Mrs. Long
with a glance of maternal satisfaction.
"Umph ?" muttered Mr. Short, as he
tapped bis snuff box for tbe third time,
"very much like a figure 5, I think !"
"A figure 5!" said Mrs. Long, a little
mortified, though she knew the disposition
of Mr. Short. "A figure $, do you say,
Mr. Short. Oh, now you must be think
ing of your interest table. Compare my
daughter Zephyrina to a figure 5. Fie, fie
on you, Mr. Short ; you'll never get mar
ried as long as you live."
"If I don't, it will be no fault of yours,
Mrs. Long," sa'd Mr. Short, as he threw a
long pinch of snuff up his nose.
"True, true," said Mrs. Long, with a
look of great kindness, "I take an interest
in the welfare of mv neighbors, and like to
sec all single men provided for. Don't you
think Zephyrina plays the harp and sings
with a great deal of taste ?"
"I think her execution is uncommon."
"I am glad you approve it, Mr. Short."
"I didn't say I approved of it, Mrs. Long.
I merely said 'twas uncommon—very
much like the noise of two cats in a gut
"Oh von shocking man ! Mr. Short—
you've no taste, no feeling."
"But I can hear very sensibly, Mrs.
Long," putting his fingers in his ears.
"You've no music in your soul,as Hand
mill says."
"That cursed noise has driven it all
"Indeed Zephyrina's voice is not exact
ly in tune to night ; but I think she plays
and sings remarkably well, for one of her
age don't you, Mr. Short ?"
"Umph ! ay—for that matter, she is in
deed rather old to learn "
"Old ! Mr. Short ?"
"Ay, madam,you know they learn these
things much better in their younger
"llow old do yon take my daugher
Zephyrina to be, Mr. Short
"Lord ! ma'am, how should I know ?
I wasn't at the christening. But she's no
"As true as I'm alive, Mr. Short, she is
only nine—'
"And twenty, Mrs. Long ? Well, I'm
not a judge of these matters, but I should
"She looks ten years older than she real
ly is. She has a very womanly look for
one of her age —don't you think 6he has
Mr. Short ?"
"Uuiph ! 1 think she has some resem
blance to a woman "
"She was forward at fifteen, though I
say it, as most girls ave at twenty-five."
"I hate your forward chit."
"But you don't understand me, Mr.
Short ; I mean she was as forward in wo
manly appearance,"
"< >h, as to the appearance,! could swear
she had been a woman these dozen years."
Dancing was now proposed, and as Mr.
Short protested against shaking the foot
even though Zephyrina was ready to be
his partner, Mrs. Long still entertained
him with the accomplishments of her
"Don't you admire Zephyrina's dancing?'
"I can't say that I'm a judge of those
small matters, Mrs. Long"
"You're too modest, Mr. Short."
"It's a rare fault, Mrs Long."
"Observe with what crace she moves; —
I really think she dances remarkably, for
one of her age, don't you think so, Mr.
Short 7"
"Umph ! 1 think she dances much bet
ter than the elephant. In fact, the ele
phant is a very clumsy dancer."
"Fie, fie on you ! Mr. Short,to compare
my daughter Zephyrina to a four legged
"Why, that's not her fault, you know
"Whose fault?"
" Why, your daughter's that she wasn't
made a beastess too, as you call the ele
" I hope no insinuations, Mr. Short ?"
"Oh Lord! no ma'am, I havn't an in
sinuation turn."
" Don't you think Zepbyriua is just
about tbe right height ?"
" I think she's rather Long."
"Do you indeed, Mr. Short? I hope
you don't think it an objection."
" Objection ! Oh by no means —she
may be Long—ah, as long as she pleases
l've no objection."
" I'm glad to hear yon say to, Mr. Shoit,
Zephyrina is certainly rather tall of her
" I hate a beanpole."
" How your mind is always wandering
from the point, Mr. Short. If I talk of
music, you talk of cats in the gutter. If 1
speak of a lady's dancing, you talk of the
movements of an elephant. If I speak of
a tall young woman, you immediately fly
to a beanpole."
" That is my misfortune, Mrs. Long."
" Well, well, every body must have their
little peculiarities. Did I ever show you
my daughter Zephyrina's drawings/''
"Of beer, or cider?"
" What are you thinking of, Mr. Short?"
" Why, I don't pretend to know, I'm
sure ma'am."
" I spoke about Zephyrina's drawing
and you talk about beer or cider. I mean
her drawings of birds and flowers, Mr.
"Oh—ay—yes—l understand you."
"Just step to this table, Mr. Short, and
we can examine them to more advantage.
There ! what do you think of that, Mr.
Short ?"
"That's a beautiful crow."
"A crow! Mr. Short—ha! ha! ba! a
crow ! Why, what in the world can yon
be thinking of/ That's a robin red
" Well, I dare say il is, now you men
tion it, Mrs. Long—but 1 really took it to
be a crow. The truth is, these things
should always have the names written un
derneath ."
"So I told Zephyrina—but la!— She
said they'd speak for themselves."
"Caw! Caw!—l beg your pardon,
ma'am, that's the note of a crow, and now
1 recollect you said this was a robin red
" This was one of Zephyrina's first at
tempts ; the next is more perfect. Look at
this, Mr. Short," turning over a leaf.
" What a pretty looking gosling."
"Oh murder! Mr. Short—l thought you
was a man of more taste."
" I admire a young goose, well stuffed
and roasted."
" But I mean in drawing!"
" Did you ever see me drawing a cork,
Mrs. Long?"
" Nonsense ! Now you've got from beer
and cider to corks. A gosling indeed !
Why, this is a goldfinch, Mr. Short."
" I'm very glad you informed me, Mrs.
Long, for really my taste in painted birds
is so small, that I took that to be a gos
ling. Ah, what's here? A codfish, as
I'm alive, and a charming one it is."
" Oh, Mr. Short, how san you be so stu
pid ? That's a butterfly."
"Is that a butterfly, Mrs. Long? Do
you say, upon your honor, that codfish is
a butterfly."
"Fie! fie! Mr. Short! I've as good a
mind, as ever I bad to eat, not to show
you anoiber t living thing. You've r.o taste
in ornithology. Perhaps you'll like the
flowers better. Isn't tbat beautiful ?"
"What! that cabbage? I never could
abide a cabbage."
" Cabbage! Oh shocking! call that rose
a cabbage."
•' Is that a rose ?"
" Indeed it is a damask rose. Look at
this. Mr Short."
"What, that mullein? Well, that i 6
pretty, I must confess —it's as natural as
" That's a carnation, Mr. Short."
"Oh ! a carnation, is it? Well I dare
say you're right—yes, it must be a carna
tion, now I think of it."
" Don't you think on the whole, Mr.
Short, that Zephyrina draws surprising for
one of "her age ?"
" I must confess I never saw tbe like."
" I'm charmed to hear you say so, Mr
Short—the approbation of a man of taste
is highly gratifying."
" I've very little taste in these things,
as I said before."
" Take a piece of this cake, Mr. Short,
and a glass of wine. The cake is of Zeph
yrina's own making."
"Umph!" .
" Light as a cork —don't you find it so?"
" Lleavy as a grindstone," muttered Mr.
Short—" Shan't be able to sleep a wink
to-night—terrible thing for the dyspepsia.
I'll take another glass of wine, if you please
ma'am. Confound the cake !"
" Zephyrir.a, dear, I wish you'd enter
tain Mr. Short a few mumeuts while
I "
" I'll take my leave, Mrs. Long. Good
Mr Short took his leave, and Mrs. Long
declared to her daughter Zephyrina, that
she thought any further attempt to catch
the crabbed old bachelor would be labor
thrown away, and that she should present
ly bait her hook for smaller fry.
There was a dry old fellow out in
Jefferson county, in this State, who called
one day on the member of Congress elect
The family were at breakfast, and the old
man was not in a decent trim to be invited
to sit by ; but be was hungry, and deter
mined to get an invitation.
" What's the news!" inquired the Con
" Nothing much, but one of my neigh
bors gave his child such a queer name."
" Ah ! and what name was that ?"
" Why Come and Eat."
The name was so peculiar that it was
" Come and Eat ?"
" Yes, thank you," said the old man, " I
don't care if I do," and drew up to the
An Arkansas paper referring to the
game of that State savs : Grouse, turkeys,
squirrels, rabbits and quails are abundant.
Wild geese, ducks and crane are cleaving
the air and plover woodcock and snipe ate
skimming the ground. Opossums and
coons are thick in the woods, and shite
pokes and king-fishers are lording it over
streams and ponds. Frogs have retired
for the winter and musketoes are disap
pearing. The chicken cholera is taking
off the flies and sparrow-hawks and young
ohickens. Fleas are thinning out, and
grasshoppers are becoming scarce.
. i . _:' . (
Wonders.at home by familiarity cease
to excite astonishment; but thence it hap
pens that many know but little about the
" house we live in"—the human body.—
We took upon a bouse from the outside,
just as a whole or unit, never thinking of
the many rooms, the curious passages, and
the ingenious internal arrangements of the
house, or of the wonderful structure of the
man, the harmony and adaptation of all
his parts.
In the human skeleton, about the time
of maturity, are 165 bones.
The muscles are about 500 in number.
The length of the alimentary canal is
about 32 feet.
The amount of blood in an adult avera
ges 80 pounds, or full one-fifth of the en
tire weight.
The heart is six inches in length and
four inches in diameter, and beats 70 times
per minute, 4,200 times per honr, 100,800
times per day, 36,772.000 times per year,
2,565,440.000 in three score and ten, and
at each beat two and a half ounces of blood
are thrown out of it, 175 ounces per min
ute, 656 pounds per hour, 7$ tons per day.
All the blood in the body passes tlirongh
the heart iu three years. This little or
gan, by its ceaseless industry,
ID the allotted spaa
The Psalmist gave to man.
lifts the enormous weight of 370,700,200
The lungs will contain about one gallon
of air, at their usual degree of inflation.—
We breathe on an average 1,200 tiroes per
hour, inhale 600 gallons of air or 24,400
gallons per day. The aggregate surface of
the air cells of the lungs exceeds 20,000
square inches, an area nearly equal to the
floor of a room 12 feet square.
The average weight of the brain of an
adult male is three pounds and 8 ounces;
of a female, two pounds and fonr ounces.
The nerves are all connected with it, di
rectly or by tbe spinal marrow. These
nerves, together with their branches and
minute ramifications, probably exceed 10,-
000,000 in number, forming a ' body guard'
outnumbering by far the greatest army
ever marshaled.
The skin is composed of three layers,
and varies from one-fourth to oue-eight of
an inch in thickness. Its average in an
adult is estimated to be 3000 square inch
es. The atmospheric pressure being about
14 pounds to the square inch, a person of
medium size is subjected to a pressure of
40,000 pounds! Pretty tight hug.
Each square inch of skin contains 3,500
sweating tubes, or perspiration pores, each
of which may be likened to a little drain
tile oue-fourth of au inch long, making an
aggregate length of the entire surface of
the body of 2u 1,266 feet, or a tile ditch
almost forty miles long.
Man is made marvelously. Who is ea
ger to investigate the curious, to witness
the wonderful works of Omnipotent Wis
dom, let him not wander the wide world
round to seek them, but examine himself.
'• The piopey study of mankind is man," —
Cin. Journ tl of Commerce.
Most every one is familiar with the
mode of driving (?) a drove of young mnles.
It is on the inverse system. The drover
buys up from fifty to one hundred young,
unbroken mules, and mounted on a brood
mare, they follow after the same as do
sheep the bell-weather of a flock. For a
great many years an old hand at the busi
ness, known as "Ole Sol"—who if he ever
j possessed any other patrionimio, had prob
ably forgotten the fact—was in the 'habit
| of bringing in from the West a drove of
j the long-eared animals, and disposing of
them to the farmers of South Jersey. The
last business visit he made to that section
was about the time the turnpike mania
raged, and a single bar was stretched across
nearly every public road, to pass which
required tbe payment of —
" For every dozen of horses, muries or
cattle, 6 cents a mile."
"Ole Sol" bad passed something like
two dozen of these bars on the way from
Camden to BriJgeton, paying tbe legal ex
action under protest, and in very profane
language. Not having disposed of a sin
| gle mule, and draw ing nigh the end of a
I long journey, he was beginning to snft'er
• from a drouth in bis pocket, and to his
disniav, he saw the inevitable bar once
more before bim. Looking around and
finding that his mules were leisurly brows
ing along the road some two or three hun
dred yards behind, he hurried up his pace
to the gale, paid a single toll for the horse
he was"riding, and made a special request
to the gate keeper to shut it after him,
and siou those darned mules, which had
been following him two or three miles.
"Certainly," 6aid the accommodating
gate-keeper, who bad it locked in less
time than it takes to tell it.
" Ule Sol" started off on a brisk canter,
which his mules soon imitated; and as
; they came to the gate bar went over in one
two three order to the astonishment of
the keeper, who saw the joke in a few
minutes, and acknowledged himself '* dead
I beat."
At Ilarlford, Vermont,there is a weal
thy and miserly farmer who quarreled with
; his wife fifteen years ago, and though they
; live in the same house and eat at the same
! tabic they have not spoken to each other
1 since. Two daughters well along "in their
| thirties," complete tLia "happy family."
TERMS, $2.00 Per. ANNUM, in Advance.
pise anfc
A small town is a place where there are
maoy tongues to talk and bat few heads to
Was (here ever an individual unlucky
enough to be abused by the mouth of any
A Bible class was asked to name the pre*
cious stones named in the Bible. After sev
eral scholars had given answers, one little
fellow called out—''Well Thomas, what pre
cious stones have you found 7 '•Brimstone,"
was the reply.
A juror having applied to the judge to be
excused from serving on account of deafness,
the judge said, "Could you hear my charge
to the jury,sir 7" "Yes, I heard your honor'a
charge," said the juror, "but I couldn't make
any sense out of it." He was excused.
During a recent wedding in a church, in a
village near Troy, when the clergyman asked
if anybody knew any reason why the cere
mony should not proceed, a woman rose in
the audience, and forbade the bans on the
ground that the groom had promised to mar
ry her when her husband died. The clergy
man decided that she had no right to look
so far ahead, and went on with the service.
FLEAS.— The smallest animal of the brute
creation, and the most pesky, it the Fleas.
They are about the bigness ov an onion
seed, and shine like a bran new shot.
They spring from low places,and can spring
further and faster than enny of the bug
They bite wuss than the muskeetoze, for
they bite on a run ; ODe flea will go aul over
a man's suburbs, in 2 minnits, and leave him
as freckled as the meazles.
It ia impossible to do anything well with
lea on you except sware, and fleas ain't
afraid of that; the only way ix to quit bias
nets ov aul kinds and hunt for the flea, and
when you have found him he ain't thare—
This iz one of the flea mysteries, the fackulty
they have ov being entirely loat jiat as you
have found them.
I don't suppose thare ia ever killed, on an
average, during enny one year, more than 16
fleas in the whole ov the United States ov
America, unless there is a causualty of some
kind—once in a while thare is a dog gits
drowned sudden, and then thare may be a
few fleas lost.
They are about az hard to kill az z flrxseed
iz, and if you don't mash them up as fine as
ground pepper they will start bizness again
on a smaller kapital jat az pcstiverous as
There iz lots ov people who have never
seen a flea, and it takes a pretty Mart man
tew see one ennyhow ; they don't stay long
in a place.
If you ever ketch a flea, kill him before yu
do ennything else ; for if you do put it off 2
minnits, it may be too late,
Menny a flea has passed awaT foreyer in
less than 2 minnits.
BED BIGS.— I never seen ennybody yet
but what despized Bed Bug. They are the
meanest of aul crawling, creeping, hopping
or biteing things.
They dazent tackle a man bi dalite, but
sneak in after dark, and chaw him while he
iz fast asleep.
A musketo will lite you in broad dalite. at
short range, and give you a fair chance to
knock in his sides—the flea is a game bug,and
will make a dash at you even in Broadway—
but the bed bug is a garroter, who waits till
you strip, and then pick ont a mellow place
tew eat you.
If I waz in the habit of swearing,l wouldn't
hesitate to cuss a bed bug rite tew his face.
Bed bugs are uncommon smart in a small
way, one pair of them will stock a hair mat
tress in 2 weeks with bugs enuff tew last a
small family a whole year.
It don't do enny good to pray when bed
bugs are in season ; the only way to git rid
of them is tew bile up the whole bed in aqua
fortis, and then heave it away and buy a new
Bed bugs when they have grone aul they
intend to, are about the size of a bluejay's
eye and have a brown complexion, and when
they start out to garrote are az thin az a
grease spot, but when they git thru garrot
ing they are swelled up like a blister.
It takes them 2 days tew git the swelling
out ov them.
If bed bugs have enny destiny to fill it
must be their stummucks, but it seems tew
roe that they must have been made by acci
dent, just as slivvers are, tew stick into surn
If they wuz got up for some wise purposo
they must have took the wrong road,for there
kant be enny wisdom in chawing a man auh
nite long, and raising z family besides to rol
ler the same trade.
If thare is some wisdum In aul this, I hope
the bed bags will chaw them folks who kan
see it, and leave me be, bekause I am ono ov
the hcriticks.