DpmiM Bemortttt.
HARVEY SICKLER, Publisher
VOL. VII.
Ppmiitg iprmorrat.
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Business Notices.
RK.& W. E IjITTIjIv ATTORNEYS AI
LAW Office on Tioga Street Tunkhann.iek Pa
117 M. W. PIATT, ATTORNEY AT LAW tlf
\ fice in Mark's Brick Block Tioga St., Tunk
aannock, i'a
all. COOPER, PHYSICIAN A SI HQ EOS
• Newton Centre, Luzerne County Pa.
0 I,,I'AKHI *ll, ATTORNEY AT LAW
• Offi-e at the Court House, m Tunkhauuock
Wyoming Co. Pa.
JW. RHOAD*. PHYSICIAN A SPKOEO N
• will attend promptly to all calls in his jiro
fession. May be found at his Offi ■. at the Drug
Store, or at his residence on Putuian Sreet, formerly
occupied by A. K. Peckh im Esq.
DENTISTRY. >
DP. L T. BCRNS has permanently located in
Tunkhannock Borough, and respectfully tenders
his professional services to its citizens
Office on second floor, formerly occupied by Dr.
wilinan.
v6n3otf.
POBTBAIT, LANDSCAPE,
Alfi>
SENAMJEUTAL
FAT KIKTG. *
Hy JT. 'JiIGRR, Artist.
Rooms over the Wyoming National bank,in Stark's
Brick Block,
TUNKHANNOCK, PA.
Life-site Portraits painted from 'Amto-otvpes or
Photographs —Photographs Painted in Oil Ci lore. —
Al 1 orders for paintings executed according to or
der, or no charge made.
|.gf" Instructions given in Drawing. Sketching,
Portrait and Landscape Painting, in Oil or water
Colors, and in all branches of the art.
Tunk , July 3!, 'g7 -vgt,so-tf.
NEW
iMiomm sejop
The Subscriber having ha I a sixte-n years prac
tieal experience in cutting .ind nuking clothing
now offers his services in this line to the citizens of
WICBOLSON and vicinity.
Those wishing to get Fits will find his shop the
place to get them.
JOEL, R, SUITS
-nSO-6mos
BOLTON H OUSE.
HAKRISHI' ftO PKNNA.
The undersigned having latelj- purchased the
" BUEHLER HOUSE " property, has already com
menced such alteration* and improvements as will
render this old and popular House equal, if not supe
rior, to any Hotel in the City of H&rriaburg.
A continuance of the public patronage is refpect
fully solicited.
GEO. J. BOLTON
WALL'S HOTEL,
LATE AMERICAN HOUSE,
TUNKHAN-VOCk, WYOMING CO., PA.
rHIS establishment has recently been refitted nn
furnished in the latest style Every attention
will he given to the comfort and convenience of those
wio patronize the House.
T. B WALL. Owner and Proprietor ;
Tunkhannock, September 11, 1861
MEANS' HOTEL.
OWANDA, PA.
I>. B- BART LET,
(Lateoit.. HOI-SK, ELMIRA, N. V
PROPRIETOR,
The MF.ANS IIOTEL, i- one of the LARGEST
and BEST AKRANUEL) Houses in the country—it
is fitted up in the most modern and improved style,
and no pains are spared to make it a pleasant and
agreeable stopping-place for all,
v3,n21,1y
NORTH BRANCH HOTEL,
MESIIOPPEN, WYOMING COUNTY, PA
Win. H. COPTHICiHT, Trop'r
HAVING resumed the proprietorship of the above
Hotel, the undersigned will spare no efforts
lender the house an agreeable place ol sojourn to
ail who may favor it with their custom.
Wm H. OOKIKIGIIT.
Am, w tm
. TH peculiar taint of
infection which we
< l|| * ftS call SCKOVCLA lurks
yf in the constitutions of
-<3; Si multitudes of men. It
\ either produces or is
' _ produced by an en-
_ feeblcd. vitiated state
if' of the blood, wherein
rtS'? yk^tluit,fluid becomes in
j&s-H:. to sustain
it a*.fey; vital forces in their
action, and
Iw* oaves the system to
decay. The scrofulous contamination is va
riously caused by mercurial disease, low
living, disordered digestion from unhealthy
food, impure air, tilth and liltliy habits,
the depressing vices, and, above all, by
the venereal infection. Whatever he in
origin, it is hereditary in the constitution,
descending "from parents to children unto
the third and fourth generationindeed, it
seems to be the rod of Him who says, " 1 will
visit the iniquities of the fathers upon their
children." The diseases it originates take
various names, according to tho organs it
attacks. In the lungs. Scrofula produces
tubercles, and finally Consumption; in the
glaiuls, swellings which suppurate and be
come ulcerous sores; in the stomach and
bowels, derangements which produce indi
gestion, dyspepsia, jiud liver complaints; on
the skin, eruptive and cutaneous affections.
These, all having the same origin, require the
same remedy, viz., purification and invigora
tion of the blood. Purify the blood, and
these dangerous distempers leave you. With
feeble, foul, or corrupted Mood, you cannot
have health; with that "life of the tlesh"
healthy, you cannot have scrofulous disease.
Ayer's Savsaparilla
is compounded from the most effectual anti
dotes that medical science has discovered for
this atiiicting distemper, and for the cure of
the disorders it entails. That it is far supe
rior to any other remedy yet devised, is
known by all who have given it a trial. That
it docs combine virtues truly extraordinary
in their effect upon this class of complaints,
is indisputably proven by tho great multitude
of publicly known and remarkable cures it
has made of the following diseases: King'#
Evil, or Glandular Swelling#, Tumor#,
Eruptions, Pimple#, Blotches and Sore#,
Erysipelas, Rose or St Anthony's Fire,
Srit Rheum, Scald Head, Coughs from
tuberculous deposits in the lung 3, White
Swellings, Debility, Dropsy, Neuralgia,
Dyspepsia or Indigestion, Syphilis and
Syphilitic Infectious, Mercurial Diseases,
Female Weak7ie33ea, and. indeed, the whole
series of complaints tuatari.-e from impurity
of the Mood. Minute reports of individual
cases may be found in AY tit's AMERICAN
A I.MAN \c, which is furnished to the druggist#
for gratuitous distribution, wherein may be
learned the directions for its use, and some
of the remarkable cures which it has made
wht-n all other remedies had failed to afford
relief. Those cases are purposely taken
from all sections of the country, in order
that every reader may have access to some
one who can speak to him of its benefits from
personal experience. Scrofula depresses the
\ital energies, and thus leaves its victims far
more subject to disease and its fatal results
than are healthy constitutions. llenee it
tends to shorten, and does greatly shorten,
the average duration of human life. The
vast importance of these considerations has
led us to spend years in perfecting a remedy
v hich is adequate to its cure. This wo now
offer to the public under the name of ATEK'S
SABSAPARILLA, although it is composed of
ingredients, some of which exceed the best
of Sarsaparilla in alterative power. ly its
aid yon may protect yourself from the suffer
ing and danger of these disorders. Purge
out lite foul corruptions that rot ami fester
in the blood, purge out the causes of disease,
and vigorous health will follow, ity its pecu
liar v irtues this remedy stimulates the vital
functions, and thus expels the distempers
which lurk within the system or burst out
on any part of it.
We know the public have been deceived
bv many compounds of Saraaparitta, that
promised much and did nothing; but they
will neither he deceived nor disappointed in
this. Its virtues have been proven by abun
dant t::al. and there remains no question of
its Mirpassing excellence for the cure of tho
nfiiii in. g hocuses it is intended to reach.
Although under the same name, it is a very
fh.l< r- at medicine from any other which has
b. i n before the people, and is far more ef
fectual tiian any other which lias ever been
available to them.
AVER'S
CHERRY PECTORAL,
The World's Great Remedy for
Coughs, Colds, Incipient Con
sumption, and for the relief
of Consumptive patients
in advanced stages
of the disease.
This has been so long ust<l and so tini- ]
versally known, that we need do no more ,
than assure the public that its quality is kept !
j up to tlu* host it ever has been, and that it
I may be relied on to do all it has ever done.
Prepared by DR. J. C. AVER & Co.,
Practical and Analytical f'hemilt*,
Lowell. Mass.
Sold by all druggists every where.
For sale ny Bannell A Bannatyne, and Lyman A
Wells, Tunkhannock, Sterling A Son. Mcshoppen,
Sterens A Ackley. Lai-eyville, Freer, Dean A Co.,
Factoryville. and all Druggists and Dealers in med
icines, everywhere.
SEW MILLIIEBY & FAMCY MS.
MRS. BAKDWELL is now receiving a splendid
stock of SPRING A SUMMER Goods of i II the new
est SHAPES of FELT
and VELVET HATS
for LADIES and CHIL
DREN. Also BONNETS,
VELVET RIBBONS
FLOWERS, and F E A T II E R S,
' and a fall assortment of
FANCY GOODS.
at prices to defy co mpetition
! All the latest styles of paper patterns,
SLEEVES t CLOAKS t JACKETS.
&Q., &C.,
from MADAMS DEMOHES7.
Dresses made, cut and basted at the shortest
j notice.
MRS BARDWELL.
Tunkhannock, May. 22, 18fi7. —vgndl-tf.
! TAKE NO MORE UNPLEASANT AND UN
AFE REMEDIES for unpleasant and dunge rous
sieaaes Use Helmbold'a Sikait Dacha and lasp
w* ktM wwh,
TUNKHAINOCK, WYOMING CO., PA. -WEDNESDAY, OCT, 30. 1867.
A LITERARY CURIOSITY.
[The poem below, which was first publish
ed in the Knickerbocker Magazine , is made
up of single lines from twt-nty-five English
and American poets, beginning with Longfel
low and eudirg with Byron :]
Pearls at random strung,
By future poets shall be sung."
The night was come, but not too soon ;
Westward the course of empire takes its
way.
Ye banks and braes of bonnie Doon !
Blue spirits and white, black spirits and
gray.
Rocked in the cradle of the deep,
Old Caspar's work was done :
Piping on hollow reeds to his pent sheep,
Charge, Chester, chsrge ! On, Stanley,on !
There was a sound of revelry by night,
OD Linden when tho sun was low :
A voice replied lar up the height,
Tall oaks from little acorns grow.
What if a little rain should say,
I have not loved the world, nor the world
roe !
Ah ! well a day !
Woodman, spare that tree !
My heart leaps up with joy to see
A primrose by the water's brim ;
Zaocheus he did cfimb the tree ;
Few of our youths could cope with him.
The prayer of Ajax was for light.
The light that never was on sea or shore;
Pudding and beef make Britlons fight
Never more !
I'nder a spreading chestnut tree,
For hours thegilher sat,
l and my Annabel Lee ;
A man's a man for a' that.
Truth crushed to earth will rie again,
And waste its sweetness on the desert air,
In thunder, lightning, or in rain,
None but the brave deserve the fair,
Tell me not in mournful numbers,
The child is lather of the man ;
Hush, my dear, lie still and slumber.
The} can conquer who believe they can.
A change came o'er the spirit of my dream ;
Whatever is, is right;
And things are not what they seem :
My native land, good night !
DJiSCfIIiITOUS.
THE LIVE MAN.
The live man iz like little pig, he iz
weaned voting, and begins tew root arly.
He iz the popper sass of creation—the
allspice ov the world.
One live man in a village iz like a case
of itch at a distrikt skool—he sets every
body tew scratching at onst.
A man who kan draw New Orleans mo
lassess in the month ov January, thru a
half inch auger hole, and sing "Home !
sweet home !"' while the molasses is run
ning, may be strickly honest, bat he ain't
sudden enuff for. this climate.
The live man is as full of bizzineas az
the conductor ova street kar—he is often
like a hornet, very bizzy. but about what
the Lord only knows.
He I'glits up like a cotton faktory, and
hain't got any more time to spare than a
school-boy haz Saturday afternoons.
He iz like a dekoy duck, always above
water, and lives at least eighteen months
during each year.
tie iz like a runaway boss, he gits the
whole ov the rode.
He trots when he walks, and lies down
at night only bekause everybody else has.
The live man iz not always a deep
thinker; he jumps at konklusions, just as
the frog duz, and don't alwuz land at the
spot he iz looking at.
He iz the American pet, a perfect mys
tery tew foreigners; but he haz done
more (with charcoal) to work out the
greatness of this kuntry than enny other
man in it.
fie iz just as necessary az the grease on
an axletree.
He don't always die ritch, but always
dies bizzy, and meets death a good deal
like an oyster duz, without making enny
1 fuss.— Josh Billings.
PRUDENCE. —Prudence, ladies and gen
tlemen, prudence! Rut what is prudence!
Not meanness —not to possess a niggard
ly disposition. To be prudent is not to
be wasteful! but to save everything you
can for vour own and other's use—a pin
and a penny, a crnst of bread and a potato,
a scrap of paper and an inch of cloth.—
This disposition is far removed from parsi
monv, and is a virtue which all should ap
preciate. It is painful to witness the waste
in some families. Large pieces of bread
are suffered to mould, and are then given
to the hogs; potatoes become sour and are
useless, and the leavings of a good meal
to-dav are thrown away, when they might
answer for to-morrow's dinner. W itb
such people it is waste, nothing but waste.
We love economical people—we do sin
cerely—and never have we had reason to
complain of their neatness. Everything
about their dwellings looks neat ar.d tidy
and when you sit down to a meal, you can
eat comfortably, without thinking of the
peck of dirt.
Our young men and women miss it sadly
when they expend so much upon their per
sons. Every week or two they want some
thing new, before their old garments are
half worn out. They mnst learn prucence,
or wan't at some future day will sit on their
doorsteps,
" To Speak his Thoughts is Every Freeman's Right. "
NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR HER.
In the days of the good old colony of
Virginia, the distinction between rich and
poor was based upon laws which, like
those of the Medes and Persians, altered
not. One of the most devoted followers
of this code was a wealthy planter, living
in what is known as the Northern neck.
He was in all respects a frank, open
hearted, manly gentleman ; but his esti
mate of his fellow men was founded upon
the principles that governed the selec
tions of his horses—blood. Wealth too,
was by no means an unimportant feature
with him. He had our human weakness,
and like all of us, was influenced more
than he believed by pounds, .shillings and
pence.
This Mr. G— had quite a large fam
ily, and among them was a daughter
whose beauty was the standing toast of
the country. She was just eighteen and
budding into lovely womanhood. Not on
ly was she beautiful in person, but her
amiable disposition and many accomplish
ments made her more than ordinarily at
tractive, and half the gentlemen of the
Northern Neck were already sighing for
her love.
There was at this time a young man in
the country who was already rising high
in the esteem of his neighbors. He came
of good family, but was as yet, a poor
voung snrveyor, who had taught himself
his profession, and who had spent much
of his time in traveling unknown forests,
with nothing but his coin pass for a guide,
and his chain for a companion, locating
lands and settling disputed titles. He was
a model of manly beauty, and excelled in
the various feats of strength in which the
olden times Americans took such pride.—
He was calm and reserved, and there was
about liim a dignified sweetness of de
meanor in accord frank independence of
character. He was a great favorite with
all who knew him, and there was no gath
ering to which he was not a=ked.
Mr. G seemed especially to like
the young man, and it was not long be
fore he insisted that the latter should
abandon all ceremony in his visits to him,
and come and go when he pleased. The
invitation was heartily given, and as
promptly accepted, The young man liked
the planter, and he found the society of
the beautiful Mary G a very strong
attraction- The result was that he was
frequently at the planter's residence ; eo
freequen'ly indeed, that Mrs. G felt
called upon to ask her husband if be did
not think it wrong to permit him such un
reserved intercourse with their daughter.
The father only laughed at the idea, and
said he hoped his daughter knew her po
sition to well to allow anything like love
for a poor surveyor to blind her to her du
ty to her family.
Nevertheless Mary G was not so
fully impressed with this conviction of du
ty as was her father. She found more
to admire in the poor surveyor than in all
her wealthy and aristocratic suitors, and
almost before she knew it her heart pass
ed out of her keeping and was given to
him. She loved him with all the honesty
and devotion of her pure heart; and she
would have thought it happiness to go out
with him into the backwoods and share
his fatigues and troubles, no matter how
much sorrow they might bring to her.
Nor did she love in vain. The young
man, whose knowledge of the world was
afterwards so great, had not then learned
to consider as binding the distinction
which society drew between his position
and that of the lady. lie know that in
all that makes a man, he was the equal of
any one. He believed that, except in
wealth he stood on a perfect equality with
Mary G and he loved her honestly and
manfully, and no sooner had he satisfied
himself upon the state of his own feelings
than he confessed his devotion simply and
truthfully, and received from the lady's
lips the assurance that she loved htm very
dearly.
Scorning to occupy a doubtful position,
or to cause the lady to conceal aught from
her parents, the young man frankly and
manfully asked Mr, G, for Ids daughter's
hand. Very angry grew the planter as
he listened to the audacious proposal.—
He stormed and swore furiously, and de
nounced the young man as an ungrateful
upstart.
4 'My daughter has always been accus
toraed to riding in her own carriage," he
said. "Who are von, sir?"
"A gentleman, sir,' replied the young
man quietly ; and he left the house.
The lovers wete parted. The lady
married soon after a wealthy planter, and
the young man went out again into the
world to battle with his heart and conquer
his unhappy passion. lie subdued it; —
but although he afterwards married a wo
man whom he loved honestly and truth
fully, and who was worthy of his love, he
was never wholly dead to his first love.
Time passed on, and the young man be
gan to reap the rewards of his labor. He
had never been to the house of Mr. G.
since his cruel repulse by the planter ;
but the latter could not forget him, as his
name soon became familiar in every Vir
ninia household. Higher and higher he
rose every year, until he gained a position
from which he could look down upon the
proud planter. Wealth came to him, too.
When the great strugg e for Independence
dawned, he was in his prime, a happy hus
band, and one of the most distinguished
men in America. The struggle went on,
and soon the "poor surveyor" held the
highest and proudest position in the land.
When the American army passed in tri
umph through the streets of Williamsburg
the ancient capital of Virginia, after the
aurrender of Corn wallis, the officer riding
at the head of the column chanced to
glance op at one of the balconies which
was crowded with ladies. Recognizing
one of them he raised his hat and bowed
profoundly. There was a commotion in
the balcony, and some one called for wa
ter, saying Mrs. Lee had fainted. Turn
ing to a young man who rode near him
the officer said gravely—
"Henry, I fear your mother has fainted,
You had better leave the column and go
to her."
The speaker was George Washington,
once the "poor surveyor" but then com
mandcr-in-chicf of the armies of the Uni
ted S.ates. The your man was Col.
Ilenrv Lee, the comma: lerof the famous
"Light Cavalry Legion,' the lady was his
mother, and formerly Miss G., the belle of
the Northern Neck.
WHAT IS HAPPINESS P
What is happiness f Ask the man of
the world, whose soul is bound up in the
"Almighty dollar," and yon will
learn that it is a brisk business
with the dollars rolling into his coffers
faster than his wants can roll them out.
What is happiness? Ask the poor stu
dent who is struggling with poverty to ob
tain an education. He will tell you that a
rich man's purse, to enable Lira to gratify
his thirst for knowledge would bring him
all the happiness he would ask of life.
What is happiness ? Ask the author
and you will learn—authors have a weak
ness in common with other men—it is to
win a crown of literary fame.
What is happiness ? Ask the fop, as
he passes yon, flourishing his gold headed <
cane, and he will tell you it is to be garbed
in the richest and most fashionable coat on
promenade, and to attract the eye# of the
admiring crowd as you pass.
What is happiness? Ask the thought
less voung lady in her dressing room,
where she is preparing for a ball and yon
will soon learn that is to be the belle of
ball room.
What is happiness ? Ask the widow
as she sits at midnight plying her needle
to earn the common necessaries of life for
her little fatherless children. She will
reply ; "Give me employment and strength I
enable me to feed, clothe, and educate tny
children, and I will thank God for the
blessings be has showered upon me. "
What is happiness? Ask the invalid
as he tosses his aching limbs upon bis bed
and you will find that wealth and fame are |
but bubbles without health, all other bless
ings become blessings only in name.
What is happiness 1 Ask the christian,
and he will tell you that true lasting hap
piness is not dependent on riches or fame
It is a heart overflowing with benevoleuoe
towards his fellow being# and whose own
happiness is bought by adding happiness
to those around him. It is a calm, trust
ful faith in God, that enable# him when
dark clouds of affliction and trial hover
over him to feel that the ihower# they
bring with them are needed to revive the
drooping graces of his heart.
PUNISHMENT OF A MISER There is a
story related of a tragical end of a miser.
The man possessod with the demon of av
erice, thought only of possessing wealth
upon wealth, and riches upon riches. As
he feared that he would be robbed of his
treasures, he had made a subterranean
place in the bottom of a cave with a door
of iron, concealed in a manner not to be
perceived. There, after he had received
a large sum, lie went to hide it, and con
template at leisure, gold and silver which
he made his God. One day, he earned a
large sum in the dark into the retreat, and
forgot to take out the key. It was a
spring lock, and closed upon him. He
perished, entombed with his gold.
FLATTERY. —If you wish to be agreea
ble in society, be the persoiu with whom
you are thrown old, young, single, mar
iied, voung ladies, or old men, of whatev
er grade, opinion or profession—there is
one sure way of doing it—by flattery*
Some can swallow a strong dose, others
may prefer it in a diluted form, but all
have a taste for it; all like it in some
form or other, and there is nothing more
calculated to give pleasure and increase
one's popularity than to indulge people in
this way. Hut flattery is always used at
the expense of manhood, self-respect,
truth. It is one of the smallest ways of
lying. It makes the heart hollow —it
poisons the soul.
WHAT SHALL BE DONK WITH OUR
CHARLEY.—Set him to work. "Twenty
devils employ the man who does not em
ploy himself," s\s a Spanish proverb;
and bovs are no exception. They have a
superabundance of animal life, which is al
ways boiling over, and it must run into
one of two channels—the channel of mis
chief or the channel of use. And it de
pends although which channel it takes 86
to which one of the two types of character
will be found in manhood —that of sbi't
lessness, or that of thrift.
A CONVERTED FAMILT. —Mr. Epliriin
(iarbler, an occasional reporter of the
Ledger, and per consequence a gentleman
of unassailable veracity (says the Phila
delphia Sundav Mercury,) informs us
while passing through a Jersey village,
last Sabbath, he saw a young feminine try
ing to open the door of a small grocery.
"Sal !" cried another lass, looking out of
an up stair window, "we've been to camp
meeting and been converted so, when
you want milk on Sunday, you ii have to
come in the back way i '
BACHELOR'S PERILS.
Mandageable men are beginning to be
i wary. They are commencing to eschew
the society of the virtuous fair, and in too
many instances, are betaking themselves
)to other society, equally fair, but from
whose vocabulary the word virtue ia alto
j gether expunged. Or else should their
happiness absolutely depend upon their
being allowed to mix in the society of la
j dies, they adopt a subterfuge now much
; in vogue among those who aspire for cler
ical dignities for the affections of a
maiden with a well-lined purse. Even if
a man is allowed to visit in the disguise of
a friend, the chances are that he will even
| tuallv drift into matrimony. Supposing
there to be several daughters in the family
where he visits, he will look upon the
number as his greatest safeguard. He
may imagine that he will never attempt
to single out one, from the difficulty ot
discovering which one to sing e out. The
i girls would of course, lead him to believe
j that they looked upon him as a brothi r,
| and that papa and mamma looked upon
; him in the light of a soft-not-son in-law.
j The lucky bachelor would thus be lulled
Ito sleep. He would become unguarded
in his actions, and would allow his feel
ings to lead him whither he listed ; and as
a natural sequence, he would eventually
tingle some one rose from these flowers of
womankind as being a little fairer, having
a more charming manner, or for in some
; way or other coming nearer than her sis
ters to his ideas of all that is excellent in
woman. If a bachelor of middle age, he
would most probably select the youngest
of the family, cheating himself into the be
lief that he did so simply out of a sort of
fatherly regard for her, lie would chris
ten her the "baby" of the house, though
she might be a fine-grown maiden of eigh
teen Summers, and have all the airs and
ideas of a woman three times her age.—
He would more frequently address his
conversation to her than to her sisters, but
at the same time he wonld but rarely talk
sweet speeches, talking more like a school
master than an admirer, that she might be
instructed somewhat. He would prefer
walking with her, that he might point out
the beauties of nature, or illustrate the
harmonies of creation ; and in effect he
would not fail to show his preference, in
spite of his awkward apologies and gro
tesque efforts at concealment. The sisters
would be careful not to check legitimate
sport. They would manceuver so that the
lovers, as they would jokingly call them,
always sat next to each other at the fami
ly board, that they were partuers in all
amusements, and that in party drives or
walks they should cither be left behind or
be left in front. Of course this style of
proceeding would not tail to be observed.
The lady friends of the family would call
and congratulate mamma upon her having
secured such a son-in-law. Mamma would
feel in doty bound to tell her husband
and the husband would have no alterna
tive than to inform his friend that, owing
to the talk of the neighbore, he must ei
ther cease his visits altogether or continue
them on a different footing. The poor
bachelor has but one course open to him
—as a man of honor and a gentleman, he
must as speedily as possible raise this ba
by of the family to the dignity of matron
The West End.
THE QUESTION ANSWERED.
Somebody—a woman of course—in
quires why, when Eve was manufactured
from the spare rib, a servant wasn't made
at the same time to wait on her? Some
body else—a woman, we imagine—replies
in the following strain : Because Adam
never came whining to Eve with a ragged
stocking to be darned, button to be sewed
on, or glove to inend"right away, quick
now." Becansa he never read the newspa
pers until the sun set down behind the palm
trees, and then, stretching himself out,
yawned, "ain't supper most ready, mv
dear? Not he, lie made the fire, and
hung the kettle over it himself, we'll ven
ture ; and pulled the radishes, peeled the
potatoes, and did everything else he ought
to. lie milked the cows fed the chickens,
and looked after th% children himself.—
He never brought home a half dor.cn
friends to dinner when Eve hadn't any
fresh pomegranates and the mango season
was over. He never {stayed out till 11
o'clock at a ward meeting, hurrahing for
an out-and-out candidate, and then scold
because poor Eve was sitting up and cry
ing inside the gate. lie never played bil
liards, rolled ten-pins and drove fast hors
es, nor choked Eve with tobacco smoke.
He never loafed around corner groceries
while Eve was rocking little Cain's cradle
at home. In short, he did not think she
was especially created for the purpose of
waiting on him, an 1 was not under the im
pression that it disgraced a man to lighten
a woman's cares a little. That'a the res
son that Eve did not need a hired girl
and with it was the reason that her fair de
scendants did.
CIT The Base Ball River is widely spread
A little six year old was sitting in repose
upon the parlor steps, with a base ball in
hs hand, gaxing intently at the moon.
"Pa," he suddenly spoke, "is there only
one man in the moon ?" "That's the tra
dition, my son ; the man in the moon was
tbe onlv inhabitant of that bright world
we have ever heard of," After a mo
ment's hesitation he remarked, with a sigh
—"He muat be lonesome, pa, and no one
to play base ball with !"
A man is more wretched in reproaching
himself, if guilty, than in being reproached
by ethers if innocuot.
TERMS, $2.00 Per. ANNUM, in Advance.
\Cisr anti Effftrrfoist:
There is a multitude of folka who mean
well enough, but how like the deril they
act.
When are good resolutions like fainting la®
dies 7 When they wan't carrying out.
lie who serreth none but himself is a slave
to a fool.
The only disadvantage of an hweat heart •
is credulity.
A cripple on the right road will beat a ra
cer upon the wrong.
At a social gathering of ministers,a Baptist
clergyman objected to the Methodist policy
because there was "too much machinery to
it." John Allen, of camp meeting celebrity,
responded in this wise : "Yes, there is a
deal of machinery, but it don't take so much
water to run it as the Baptist does."
Pompy,"saida good natured gentleman
to his cokred man. "1 did not know till to
day that you had been whipped last week."
Did nt yon, massa 7" replied Potnpey ; "I
—I knowed it all de while."
A schoolmaster was ODCO asked. "Why
are cream and sugar put into tea 7" and be
answered, "To render the acute angles of tea
moro obtuse."
"Woman is a delusion' madam !" exclaimed
a crusty old bachelor to a witty young lady,
"And man is always hugging some delusion
or other," waa the quick retort.
"What do you mean by bringing me these
bones ! I ordered mutton chops ?" "Well'sah
n dis establishment a mutton chop is a bone
ob de sheep from which all de moat has been
chopped off,"
Generosity during life is a rery different
thing from generosity in the boor of death ;
one proceeds from genuiue liberality and be
nevolence—The other from pride or fear.
A notorious toper used to mourn about not
having a regular pair of eyes—one being black
and the other light bazel. "It ia Ibcky for
yon," replied the friend ; "for if your eyes
had been matches, your nose would have sot
them on fire years ago."
Two duelists,having exchanged shots with
out effect, one of ihe seconds interfered and
pioposed that the parties should shake hands
To this the other second objected as unneces
sary, "for," said he "their hands have been
shaking, this half hour."
TRACTS —"May I leave a few tracts 7" as
ked a missionary of an elderly lady who re
sponded to his knock. "Leave some tracks 7
Certainly you may,'' said she looking at bim
most benignly over her specs : 'leave them
with the heels toward the door if jou please.'
The concluding words of a Utah obituary
notice are very pathetic, "lie leaves thirteen
widows and flfty-four children to mourn his
loss."
At no moment off difficulty does a hus
band know his utter helplessness, and draw
so close to his wife's aide for comfort and as*
sistance, as when ho wants a button sewed on
his shirt collar.
THE BENEFITS or MATRIMORT.— Corr y
O'Lanus, of the Brooklyn EagU, argues the
advantages 'of married life over "boarding
house institutions," from the following
point :
Single blessedness is not good for a mar
ried man of mature years.
He gets along very well for a little while
until his fornight'# washing is brought home
when he begins to realixe the value of matri
mony by the absence of shirt buttons.
Man can never be!an independent creature
until the necessity for buttons can bo dis
pensed with.
In a boarding bouse a man hat considerable
conceit taken out of bim.
His interest in the establishment is limited
—authority ho'has none.
The landlady agrees to fodder him two or
three times a day, and stable him at night
somewhere on the third floor.
He can't complain of the coffee, or growl if
the potatoes are undone.
If he don't like it ho can leave It. There
are oiber boarding honses,and he has a choice
of evils.
In the evening he has ill the world before
him
lie has perfect liberty of choice between
his bedroom and the street.
There is tbe parlor to fca sure ; but the
young lady who ha 3 steady company is al
ways there.
Ton go in and the damsel looks daggers.
Her young man looks as though he wt uld
iike to punch your head.
If you are possessed of a sensitive an d §vm
pathetic nature you can't restst this nmte
but eloquent appeal.
Especially when it comes home to y< u, as
it does to me, that there was a time wken
you were similarly situated.
How would you have liked it yourself 7
There is no alternative but to suddenly re
member that you "have an appointment,"
seise your hat and rush out iolo the street.
NO. 13.