DpmiM Bemortttt. HARVEY SICKLER, Publisher VOL. VII. Ppmiitg iprmorrat. A Democratic weekly _ ___ paper, devoted to Poll . ° tics News, the Arts and Sciences 4c. Pub- " ygjtj. -?*/> if '■ lished every We dries- day, at Tunkhannock " 1 Wyoming County,Pa \"y j / V M { 8 HARVEY SIC I ' Terms—l copy 1 year, (in advance) $2.00; if ■ot paid witbin six months, 332.50 will be charged NO paper will be DISCONTINUED, until all ar raaragesre paid; unless at the option of publisher. RATES OF ADVERTISING. TEX LINES CONSTITCTB A SQTAKE. One square one or three insertions 50 Every subsequent insertion less than 8 50 RKAI.ESTATE, PBBSONAI. PROPERTY, and GENERAL ADVERTISING, as uiay be agreed upon, PATENT MEDICINES and other advertisements ny the column : One column, 1 year,- - SOO Half column, 1 year-*- 35 Third column, I year, 25 Fourth column, 1 year, 20 Business Cards of one square or less, per year with paper, $8 r?r EDITORIAL or LOCAL ITEM advertising—with out Advertisement —15 cts. pier line. Liberal terms made wilh permanent advertisers. EXECUTORS, ADMINISTRATORS and AUDI TOR'S NOTICES, of the usual length, $2,50 OBITUARTES,- exceeding ten lire s, each ; RELI OIOUS and LITERARY NOTICES, not of general Dterest, one half the regular rates. r?r A dvertisementa must be banded in bv Ti ES DAY NOON, to insure insertion the same week. JOB WORK af all kinds neatly executed, and at prices to suit the times. All TRANSIENT ADVERTISEMENTS and JOB WORK must be paid for, when ordered Business Notices. RK.& W. E IjITTIjIv ATTORNEYS AI LAW Office on Tioga Street Tunkhann.iek Pa 117 M. W. PIATT, ATTORNEY AT LAW tlf \ fice in Mark's Brick Block Tioga St., Tunk aannock, i'a all. COOPER, PHYSICIAN A SI HQ EOS • Newton Centre, Luzerne County Pa. 0 I,,I'AKHI *ll, ATTORNEY AT LAW • Offi-e at the Court House, m Tunkhauuock Wyoming Co. Pa. JW. RHOAD*. PHYSICIAN A SPKOEO N • will attend promptly to all calls in his jiro fession. May be found at his Offi ■. at the Drug Store, or at his residence on Putuian Sreet, formerly occupied by A. K. Peckh im Esq. DENTISTRY. > DP. L T. BCRNS has permanently located in Tunkhannock Borough, and respectfully tenders his professional services to its citizens Office on second floor, formerly occupied by Dr. wilinan. v6n3otf. POBTBAIT, LANDSCAPE, Alfi> SENAMJEUTAL FAT KIKTG. * Hy JT. 'JiIGRR, Artist. Rooms over the Wyoming National bank,in Stark's Brick Block, TUNKHANNOCK, PA. Life-site Portraits painted from 'Amto-otvpes or Photographs —Photographs Painted in Oil Ci lore. — Al 1 orders for paintings executed according to or der, or no charge made. |.gf" Instructions given in Drawing. Sketching, Portrait and Landscape Painting, in Oil or water Colors, and in all branches of the art. Tunk , July 3!, 'g7 -vgt,so-tf. NEW iMiomm sejop The Subscriber having ha I a sixte-n years prac tieal experience in cutting .ind nuking clothing now offers his services in this line to the citizens of WICBOLSON and vicinity. Those wishing to get Fits will find his shop the place to get them. JOEL, R, SUITS -nSO-6mos BOLTON H OUSE. HAKRISHI' ftO PKNNA. The undersigned having latelj- purchased the " BUEHLER HOUSE " property, has already com menced such alteration* and improvements as will render this old and popular House equal, if not supe rior, to any Hotel in the City of H&rriaburg. A continuance of the public patronage is refpect fully solicited. GEO. J. BOLTON WALL'S HOTEL, LATE AMERICAN HOUSE, TUNKHAN-VOCk, WYOMING CO., PA. rHIS establishment has recently been refitted nn furnished in the latest style Every attention will he given to the comfort and convenience of those wio patronize the House. T. B WALL. Owner and Proprietor ; Tunkhannock, September 11, 1861 MEANS' HOTEL. OWANDA, PA. I>. B- BART LET, (Lateoit.. HOI-SK, ELMIRA, N. V PROPRIETOR, The MF.ANS IIOTEL, i- one of the LARGEST and BEST AKRANUEL) Houses in the country—it is fitted up in the most modern and improved style, and no pains are spared to make it a pleasant and agreeable stopping-place for all, v3,n21,1y NORTH BRANCH HOTEL, MESIIOPPEN, WYOMING COUNTY, PA Win. H. COPTHICiHT, Trop'r HAVING resumed the proprietorship of the above Hotel, the undersigned will spare no efforts lender the house an agreeable place ol sojourn to ail who may favor it with their custom. Wm H. OOKIKIGIIT. Am, w tm . TH peculiar taint of infection which we < l|| * ftS call SCKOVCLA lurks yf in the constitutions of -<3; Si multitudes of men. It \ either produces or is ' _ produced by an en- _ feeblcd. vitiated state if' of the blood, wherein rtS'? yk^tluit,fluid becomes in j&s-H:. to sustain it a*.fey; vital forces in their action, and Iw* oaves the system to decay. The scrofulous contamination is va riously caused by mercurial disease, low living, disordered digestion from unhealthy food, impure air, tilth and liltliy habits, the depressing vices, and, above all, by the venereal infection. Whatever he in origin, it is hereditary in the constitution, descending "from parents to children unto the third and fourth generationindeed, it seems to be the rod of Him who says, " 1 will visit the iniquities of the fathers upon their children." The diseases it originates take various names, according to tho organs it attacks. In the lungs. Scrofula produces tubercles, and finally Consumption; in the glaiuls, swellings which suppurate and be come ulcerous sores; in the stomach and bowels, derangements which produce indi gestion, dyspepsia, jiud liver complaints; on the skin, eruptive and cutaneous affections. These, all having the same origin, require the same remedy, viz., purification and invigora tion of the blood. Purify the blood, and these dangerous distempers leave you. With feeble, foul, or corrupted Mood, you cannot have health; with that "life of the tlesh" healthy, you cannot have scrofulous disease. Ayer's Savsaparilla is compounded from the most effectual anti dotes that medical science has discovered for this atiiicting distemper, and for the cure of the disorders it entails. That it is far supe rior to any other remedy yet devised, is known by all who have given it a trial. That it docs combine virtues truly extraordinary in their effect upon this class of complaints, is indisputably proven by tho great multitude of publicly known and remarkable cures it has made of the following diseases: King'# Evil, or Glandular Swelling#, Tumor#, Eruptions, Pimple#, Blotches and Sore#, Erysipelas, Rose or St Anthony's Fire, Srit Rheum, Scald Head, Coughs from tuberculous deposits in the lung 3, White Swellings, Debility, Dropsy, Neuralgia, Dyspepsia or Indigestion, Syphilis and Syphilitic Infectious, Mercurial Diseases, Female Weak7ie33ea, and. indeed, the whole series of complaints tuatari.-e from impurity of the Mood. Minute reports of individual cases may be found in AY tit's AMERICAN A I.MAN \c, which is furnished to the druggist# for gratuitous distribution, wherein may be learned the directions for its use, and some of the remarkable cures which it has made wht-n all other remedies had failed to afford relief. Those cases are purposely taken from all sections of the country, in order that every reader may have access to some one who can speak to him of its benefits from personal experience. Scrofula depresses the \ital energies, and thus leaves its victims far more subject to disease and its fatal results than are healthy constitutions. llenee it tends to shorten, and does greatly shorten, the average duration of human life. The vast importance of these considerations has led us to spend years in perfecting a remedy v hich is adequate to its cure. This wo now offer to the public under the name of ATEK'S SABSAPARILLA, although it is composed of ingredients, some of which exceed the best of Sarsaparilla in alterative power. ly its aid yon may protect yourself from the suffer ing and danger of these disorders. Purge out lite foul corruptions that rot ami fester in the blood, purge out the causes of disease, and vigorous health will follow, ity its pecu liar v irtues this remedy stimulates the vital functions, and thus expels the distempers which lurk within the system or burst out on any part of it. We know the public have been deceived bv many compounds of Saraaparitta, that promised much and did nothing; but they will neither he deceived nor disappointed in this. Its virtues have been proven by abun dant t::al. and there remains no question of its Mirpassing excellence for the cure of tho nfiiii in. g hocuses it is intended to reach. Although under the same name, it is a very fh.l< r- at medicine from any other which has b. i n before the people, and is far more ef fectual tiian any other which lias ever been available to them. AVER'S CHERRY PECTORAL, The World's Great Remedy for Coughs, Colds, Incipient Con sumption, and for the relief of Consumptive patients in advanced stages of the disease. This has been so long ust<l and so tini- ] versally known, that we need do no more , than assure the public that its quality is kept ! j up to tlu* host it ever has been, and that it I may be relied on to do all it has ever done. Prepared by DR. J. C. AVER & Co., Practical and Analytical f'hemilt*, Lowell. Mass. Sold by all druggists every where. For sale ny Bannell A Bannatyne, and Lyman A Wells, Tunkhannock, Sterling A Son. Mcshoppen, Sterens A Ackley. Lai-eyville, Freer, Dean A Co., Factoryville. and all Druggists and Dealers in med icines, everywhere. SEW MILLIIEBY & FAMCY MS. MRS. BAKDWELL is now receiving a splendid stock of SPRING A SUMMER Goods of i II the new est SHAPES of FELT and VELVET HATS for LADIES and CHIL DREN. Also BONNETS, VELVET RIBBONS FLOWERS, and F E A T II E R S, ' and a fall assortment of FANCY GOODS. at prices to defy co mpetition ! All the latest styles of paper patterns, SLEEVES t CLOAKS t JACKETS. &Q., &C., from MADAMS DEMOHES7. Dresses made, cut and basted at the shortest j notice. MRS BARDWELL. Tunkhannock, May. 22, 18fi7. —vgndl-tf. ! TAKE NO MORE UNPLEASANT AND UN AFE REMEDIES for unpleasant and dunge rous sieaaes Use Helmbold'a Sikait Dacha and lasp w* ktM wwh, TUNKHAINOCK, WYOMING CO., PA. -WEDNESDAY, OCT, 30. 1867. A LITERARY CURIOSITY. [The poem below, which was first publish ed in the Knickerbocker Magazine , is made up of single lines from twt-nty-five English and American poets, beginning with Longfel low and eudirg with Byron :] Pearls at random strung, By future poets shall be sung." The night was come, but not too soon ; Westward the course of empire takes its way. Ye banks and braes of bonnie Doon ! Blue spirits and white, black spirits and gray. Rocked in the cradle of the deep, Old Caspar's work was done : Piping on hollow reeds to his pent sheep, Charge, Chester, chsrge ! On, Stanley,on ! There was a sound of revelry by night, OD Linden when tho sun was low : A voice replied lar up the height, Tall oaks from little acorns grow. What if a little rain should say, I have not loved the world, nor the world roe ! Ah ! well a day ! Woodman, spare that tree ! My heart leaps up with joy to see A primrose by the water's brim ; Zaocheus he did cfimb the tree ; Few of our youths could cope with him. The prayer of Ajax was for light. The light that never was on sea or shore; Pudding and beef make Britlons fight Never more ! I'nder a spreading chestnut tree, For hours thegilher sat, l and my Annabel Lee ; A man's a man for a' that. Truth crushed to earth will rie again, And waste its sweetness on the desert air, In thunder, lightning, or in rain, None but the brave deserve the fair, Tell me not in mournful numbers, The child is lather of the man ; Hush, my dear, lie still and slumber. The} can conquer who believe they can. A change came o'er the spirit of my dream ; Whatever is, is right; And things are not what they seem : My native land, good night ! DJiSCfIIiITOUS. THE LIVE MAN. The live man iz like little pig, he iz weaned voting, and begins tew root arly. He iz the popper sass of creation—the allspice ov the world. One live man in a village iz like a case of itch at a distrikt skool—he sets every body tew scratching at onst. A man who kan draw New Orleans mo lassess in the month ov January, thru a half inch auger hole, and sing "Home ! sweet home !"' while the molasses is run ning, may be strickly honest, bat he ain't sudden enuff for. this climate. The live man is as full of bizzineas az the conductor ova street kar—he is often like a hornet, very bizzy. but about what the Lord only knows. He I'glits up like a cotton faktory, and hain't got any more time to spare than a school-boy haz Saturday afternoons. He iz like a dekoy duck, always above water, and lives at least eighteen months during each year. tie iz like a runaway boss, he gits the whole ov the rode. He trots when he walks, and lies down at night only bekause everybody else has. The live man iz not always a deep thinker; he jumps at konklusions, just as the frog duz, and don't alwuz land at the spot he iz looking at. He iz the American pet, a perfect mys tery tew foreigners; but he haz done more (with charcoal) to work out the greatness of this kuntry than enny other man in it. fie iz just as necessary az the grease on an axletree. He don't always die ritch, but always dies bizzy, and meets death a good deal like an oyster duz, without making enny 1 fuss.— Josh Billings. PRUDENCE. —Prudence, ladies and gen tlemen, prudence! Rut what is prudence! Not meanness —not to possess a niggard ly disposition. To be prudent is not to be wasteful! but to save everything you can for vour own and other's use—a pin and a penny, a crnst of bread and a potato, a scrap of paper and an inch of cloth.— This disposition is far removed from parsi monv, and is a virtue which all should ap preciate. It is painful to witness the waste in some families. Large pieces of bread are suffered to mould, and are then given to the hogs; potatoes become sour and are useless, and the leavings of a good meal to-dav are thrown away, when they might answer for to-morrow's dinner. W itb such people it is waste, nothing but waste. We love economical people—we do sin cerely—and never have we had reason to complain of their neatness. Everything about their dwellings looks neat ar.d tidy and when you sit down to a meal, you can eat comfortably, without thinking of the peck of dirt. Our young men and women miss it sadly when they expend so much upon their per sons. Every week or two they want some thing new, before their old garments are half worn out. They mnst learn prucence, or wan't at some future day will sit on their doorsteps, " To Speak his Thoughts is Every Freeman's Right. " NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR HER. In the days of the good old colony of Virginia, the distinction between rich and poor was based upon laws which, like those of the Medes and Persians, altered not. One of the most devoted followers of this code was a wealthy planter, living in what is known as the Northern neck. He was in all respects a frank, open hearted, manly gentleman ; but his esti mate of his fellow men was founded upon the principles that governed the selec tions of his horses—blood. Wealth too, was by no means an unimportant feature with him. He had our human weakness, and like all of us, was influenced more than he believed by pounds, .shillings and pence. This Mr. G— had quite a large fam ily, and among them was a daughter whose beauty was the standing toast of the country. She was just eighteen and budding into lovely womanhood. Not on ly was she beautiful in person, but her amiable disposition and many accomplish ments made her more than ordinarily at tractive, and half the gentlemen of the Northern Neck were already sighing for her love. There was at this time a young man in the country who was already rising high in the esteem of his neighbors. He came of good family, but was as yet, a poor voung snrveyor, who had taught himself his profession, and who had spent much of his time in traveling unknown forests, with nothing but his coin pass for a guide, and his chain for a companion, locating lands and settling disputed titles. He was a model of manly beauty, and excelled in the various feats of strength in which the olden times Americans took such pride.— He was calm and reserved, and there was about liim a dignified sweetness of de meanor in accord frank independence of character. He was a great favorite with all who knew him, and there was no gath ering to which he was not a=ked. Mr. G seemed especially to like the young man, and it was not long be fore he insisted that the latter should abandon all ceremony in his visits to him, and come and go when he pleased. The invitation was heartily given, and as promptly accepted, The young man liked the planter, and he found the society of the beautiful Mary G a very strong attraction- The result was that he was frequently at the planter's residence ; eo freequen'ly indeed, that Mrs. G felt called upon to ask her husband if be did not think it wrong to permit him such un reserved intercourse with their daughter. The father only laughed at the idea, and said he hoped his daughter knew her po sition to well to allow anything like love for a poor surveyor to blind her to her du ty to her family. Nevertheless Mary G was not so fully impressed with this conviction of du ty as was her father. She found more to admire in the poor surveyor than in all her wealthy and aristocratic suitors, and almost before she knew it her heart pass ed out of her keeping and was given to him. She loved him with all the honesty and devotion of her pure heart; and she would have thought it happiness to go out with him into the backwoods and share his fatigues and troubles, no matter how much sorrow they might bring to her. Nor did she love in vain. The young man, whose knowledge of the world was afterwards so great, had not then learned to consider as binding the distinction which society drew between his position and that of the lady. lie know that in all that makes a man, he was the equal of any one. He believed that, except in wealth he stood on a perfect equality with Mary G and he loved her honestly and manfully, and no sooner had he satisfied himself upon the state of his own feelings than he confessed his devotion simply and truthfully, and received from the lady's lips the assurance that she loved htm very dearly. Scorning to occupy a doubtful position, or to cause the lady to conceal aught from her parents, the young man frankly and manfully asked Mr, G, for Ids daughter's hand. Very angry grew the planter as he listened to the audacious proposal.— He stormed and swore furiously, and de nounced the young man as an ungrateful upstart. 4 'My daughter has always been accus toraed to riding in her own carriage," he said. "Who are von, sir?" "A gentleman, sir,' replied the young man quietly ; and he left the house. The lovers wete parted. The lady married soon after a wealthy planter, and the young man went out again into the world to battle with his heart and conquer his unhappy passion. lie subdued it; — but although he afterwards married a wo man whom he loved honestly and truth fully, and who was worthy of his love, he was never wholly dead to his first love. Time passed on, and the young man be gan to reap the rewards of his labor. He had never been to the house of Mr. G. since his cruel repulse by the planter ; but the latter could not forget him, as his name soon became familiar in every Vir ninia household. Higher and higher he rose every year, until he gained a position from which he could look down upon the proud planter. Wealth came to him, too. When the great strugg e for Independence dawned, he was in his prime, a happy hus band, and one of the most distinguished men in America. The struggle went on, and soon the "poor surveyor" held the highest and proudest position in the land. When the American army passed in tri umph through the streets of Williamsburg the ancient capital of Virginia, after the aurrender of Corn wallis, the officer riding at the head of the column chanced to glance op at one of the balconies which was crowded with ladies. Recognizing one of them he raised his hat and bowed profoundly. There was a commotion in the balcony, and some one called for wa ter, saying Mrs. Lee had fainted. Turn ing to a young man who rode near him the officer said gravely— "Henry, I fear your mother has fainted, You had better leave the column and go to her." The speaker was George Washington, once the "poor surveyor" but then com mandcr-in-chicf of the armies of the Uni ted S.ates. The your man was Col. Ilenrv Lee, the comma: lerof the famous "Light Cavalry Legion,' the lady was his mother, and formerly Miss G., the belle of the Northern Neck. WHAT IS HAPPINESS P What is happiness f Ask the man of the world, whose soul is bound up in the "Almighty dollar," and yon will learn that it is a brisk business with the dollars rolling into his coffers faster than his wants can roll them out. What is happiness? Ask the poor stu dent who is struggling with poverty to ob tain an education. He will tell you that a rich man's purse, to enable Lira to gratify his thirst for knowledge would bring him all the happiness he would ask of life. What is happiness ? Ask the author and you will learn—authors have a weak ness in common with other men—it is to win a crown of literary fame. What is happiness ? Ask the fop, as he passes yon, flourishing his gold headed < cane, and he will tell you it is to be garbed in the richest and most fashionable coat on promenade, and to attract the eye# of the admiring crowd as you pass. What is happiness? Ask the thought less voung lady in her dressing room, where she is preparing for a ball and yon will soon learn that is to be the belle of ball room. What is happiness ? Ask the widow as she sits at midnight plying her needle to earn the common necessaries of life for her little fatherless children. She will reply ; "Give me employment and strength I enable me to feed, clothe, and educate tny children, and I will thank God for the blessings be has showered upon me. " What is happiness? Ask the invalid as he tosses his aching limbs upon bis bed and you will find that wealth and fame are | but bubbles without health, all other bless ings become blessings only in name. What is happiness 1 Ask the christian, and he will tell you that true lasting hap piness is not dependent on riches or fame It is a heart overflowing with benevoleuoe towards his fellow being# and whose own happiness is bought by adding happiness to those around him. It is a calm, trust ful faith in God, that enable# him when dark clouds of affliction and trial hover over him to feel that the ihower# they bring with them are needed to revive the drooping graces of his heart. PUNISHMENT OF A MISER There is a story related of a tragical end of a miser. The man possessod with the demon of av erice, thought only of possessing wealth upon wealth, and riches upon riches. As he feared that he would be robbed of his treasures, he had made a subterranean place in the bottom of a cave with a door of iron, concealed in a manner not to be perceived. There, after he had received a large sum, lie went to hide it, and con template at leisure, gold and silver which he made his God. One day, he earned a large sum in the dark into the retreat, and forgot to take out the key. It was a spring lock, and closed upon him. He perished, entombed with his gold. FLATTERY. —If you wish to be agreea ble in society, be the persoiu with whom you are thrown old, young, single, mar iied, voung ladies, or old men, of whatev er grade, opinion or profession—there is one sure way of doing it—by flattery* Some can swallow a strong dose, others may prefer it in a diluted form, but all have a taste for it; all like it in some form or other, and there is nothing more calculated to give pleasure and increase one's popularity than to indulge people in this way. Hut flattery is always used at the expense of manhood, self-respect, truth. It is one of the smallest ways of lying. It makes the heart hollow —it poisons the soul. WHAT SHALL BE DONK WITH OUR CHARLEY.—Set him to work. "Twenty devils employ the man who does not em ploy himself," s\s a Spanish proverb; and bovs are no exception. They have a superabundance of animal life, which is al ways boiling over, and it must run into one of two channels—the channel of mis chief or the channel of use. And it de pends although which channel it takes 86 to which one of the two types of character will be found in manhood —that of sbi't lessness, or that of thrift. A CONVERTED FAMILT. —Mr. Epliriin (iarbler, an occasional reporter of the Ledger, and per consequence a gentleman of unassailable veracity (says the Phila delphia Sundav Mercury,) informs us while passing through a Jersey village, last Sabbath, he saw a young feminine try ing to open the door of a small grocery. "Sal !" cried another lass, looking out of an up stair window, "we've been to camp meeting and been converted so, when you want milk on Sunday, you ii have to come in the back way i ' BACHELOR'S PERILS. Mandageable men are beginning to be i wary. They are commencing to eschew the society of the virtuous fair, and in too many instances, are betaking themselves )to other society, equally fair, but from whose vocabulary the word virtue ia alto j gether expunged. Or else should their happiness absolutely depend upon their being allowed to mix in the society of la j dies, they adopt a subterfuge now much ; in vogue among those who aspire for cler ical dignities for the affections of a maiden with a well-lined purse. Even if a man is allowed to visit in the disguise of a friend, the chances are that he will even | tuallv drift into matrimony. Supposing there to be several daughters in the family where he visits, he will look upon the number as his greatest safeguard. He may imagine that he will never attempt to single out one, from the difficulty ot discovering which one to sing e out. The i girls would of course, lead him to believe j that they looked upon him as a brothi r, | and that papa and mamma looked upon ; him in the light of a soft-not-son in-law. j The lucky bachelor would thus be lulled Ito sleep. He would become unguarded in his actions, and would allow his feel ings to lead him whither he listed ; and as a natural sequence, he would eventually tingle some one rose from these flowers of womankind as being a little fairer, having a more charming manner, or for in some ; way or other coming nearer than her sis ters to his ideas of all that is excellent in woman. If a bachelor of middle age, he would most probably select the youngest of the family, cheating himself into the be lief that he did so simply out of a sort of fatherly regard for her, lie would chris ten her the "baby" of the house, though she might be a fine-grown maiden of eigh teen Summers, and have all the airs and ideas of a woman three times her age.— He would more frequently address his conversation to her than to her sisters, but at the same time he wonld but rarely talk sweet speeches, talking more like a school master than an admirer, that she might be instructed somewhat. He would prefer walking with her, that he might point out the beauties of nature, or illustrate the harmonies of creation ; and in effect he would not fail to show his preference, in spite of his awkward apologies and gro tesque efforts at concealment. The sisters would be careful not to check legitimate sport. They would manceuver so that the lovers, as they would jokingly call them, always sat next to each other at the fami ly board, that they were partuers in all amusements, and that in party drives or walks they should cither be left behind or be left in front. Of course this style of proceeding would not tail to be observed. The lady friends of the family would call and congratulate mamma upon her having secured such a son-in-law. Mamma would feel in doty bound to tell her husband and the husband would have no alterna tive than to inform his friend that, owing to the talk of the neighbore, he must ei ther cease his visits altogether or continue them on a different footing. The poor bachelor has but one course open to him —as a man of honor and a gentleman, he must as speedily as possible raise this ba by of the family to the dignity of matron The West End. THE QUESTION ANSWERED. Somebody—a woman of course—in quires why, when Eve was manufactured from the spare rib, a servant wasn't made at the same time to wait on her? Some body else—a woman, we imagine—replies in the following strain : Because Adam never came whining to Eve with a ragged stocking to be darned, button to be sewed on, or glove to inend"right away, quick now." Becansa he never read the newspa pers until the sun set down behind the palm trees, and then, stretching himself out, yawned, "ain't supper most ready, mv dear? Not he, lie made the fire, and hung the kettle over it himself, we'll ven ture ; and pulled the radishes, peeled the potatoes, and did everything else he ought to. lie milked the cows fed the chickens, and looked after th% children himself.— He never brought home a half dor.cn friends to dinner when Eve hadn't any fresh pomegranates and the mango season was over. He never {stayed out till 11 o'clock at a ward meeting, hurrahing for an out-and-out candidate, and then scold because poor Eve was sitting up and cry ing inside the gate. lie never played bil liards, rolled ten-pins and drove fast hors es, nor choked Eve with tobacco smoke. He never loafed around corner groceries while Eve was rocking little Cain's cradle at home. In short, he did not think she was especially created for the purpose of waiting on him, an 1 was not under the im pression that it disgraced a man to lighten a woman's cares a little. That'a the res son that Eve did not need a hired girl and with it was the reason that her fair de scendants did. CIT The Base Ball River is widely spread A little six year old was sitting in repose upon the parlor steps, with a base ball in hs hand, gaxing intently at the moon. "Pa," he suddenly spoke, "is there only one man in the moon ?" "That's the tra dition, my son ; the man in the moon was tbe onlv inhabitant of that bright world we have ever heard of," After a mo ment's hesitation he remarked, with a sigh —"He muat be lonesome, pa, and no one to play base ball with !" A man is more wretched in reproaching himself, if guilty, than in being reproached by ethers if innocuot. TERMS, $2.00 Per. ANNUM, in Advance. \Cisr anti Effftrrfoist: There is a multitude of folka who mean well enough, but how like the deril they act. When are good resolutions like fainting la® dies 7 When they wan't carrying out. lie who serreth none but himself is a slave to a fool. The only disadvantage of an hweat heart • is credulity. A cripple on the right road will beat a ra cer upon the wrong. At a social gathering of ministers,a Baptist clergyman objected to the Methodist policy because there was "too much machinery to it." John Allen, of camp meeting celebrity, responded in this wise : "Yes, there is a deal of machinery, but it don't take so much water to run it as the Baptist does." Pompy,"saida good natured gentleman to his cokred man. "1 did not know till to day that you had been whipped last week." Did nt yon, massa 7" replied Potnpey ; "I —I knowed it all de while." A schoolmaster was ODCO asked. "Why are cream and sugar put into tea 7" and be answered, "To render the acute angles of tea moro obtuse." "Woman is a delusion' madam !" exclaimed a crusty old bachelor to a witty young lady, "And man is always hugging some delusion or other," waa the quick retort. "What do you mean by bringing me these bones ! I ordered mutton chops ?" "Well'sah n dis establishment a mutton chop is a bone ob de sheep from which all de moat has been chopped off," Generosity during life is a rery different thing from generosity in the boor of death ; one proceeds from genuiue liberality and be nevolence—The other from pride or fear. A notorious toper used to mourn about not having a regular pair of eyes—one being black and the other light bazel. "It ia Ibcky for yon," replied the friend ; "for if your eyes had been matches, your nose would have sot them on fire years ago." Two duelists,having exchanged shots with out effect, one of ihe seconds interfered and pioposed that the parties should shake hands To this the other second objected as unneces sary, "for," said he "their hands have been shaking, this half hour." TRACTS —"May I leave a few tracts 7" as ked a missionary of an elderly lady who re sponded to his knock. "Leave some tracks 7 Certainly you may,'' said she looking at bim most benignly over her specs : 'leave them with the heels toward the door if jou please.' The concluding words of a Utah obituary notice are very pathetic, "lie leaves thirteen widows and flfty-four children to mourn his loss." At no moment off difficulty does a hus band know his utter helplessness, and draw so close to his wife's aide for comfort and as* sistance, as when ho wants a button sewed on his shirt collar. THE BENEFITS or MATRIMORT.— Corr y O'Lanus, of the Brooklyn EagU, argues the advantages 'of married life over "boarding house institutions," from the following point : Single blessedness is not good for a mar ried man of mature years. He gets along very well for a little while until his fornight'# washing is brought home when he begins to realixe the value of matri mony by the absence of shirt buttons. Man can never be!an independent creature until the necessity for buttons can bo dis pensed with. In a boarding bouse a man hat considerable conceit taken out of bim. His interest in the establishment is limited —authority ho'has none. The landlady agrees to fodder him two or three times a day, and stable him at night somewhere on the third floor. He can't complain of the coffee, or growl if the potatoes are undone. If he don't like it ho can leave It. There are oiber boarding honses,and he has a choice of evils. In the evening he has ill the world before him lie has perfect liberty of choice between his bedroom and the street. There is tbe parlor to fca sure ; but the young lady who ha 3 steady company is al ways there. Ton go in and the damsel looks daggers. Her young man looks as though he wt uld iike to punch your head. If you are possessed of a sensitive an d §vm pathetic nature you can't restst this nmte but eloquent appeal. Especially when it comes home to y< u, as it does to me, that there was a time wken you were similarly situated. How would you have liked it yourself 7 There is no alternative but to suddenly re member that you "have an appointment," seise your hat and rush out iolo the street. NO. 13.
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers