Mtmm JKH> fttrnml
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VOL. VII.
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n R.ctW EXTITTILE, ATTORNEYS AT
it LAVV Office on Ttoga street Tunkhannock Pa
ffTML M. PIATT, ATTORNEY AT LAW Of
\\ £ce in Stark's Brick Block Tioga St., Tunk
rasnock, Pa.
HS. COOPER, PHYSICIAN & SI KGSOI
• Newton Centre, Luzerne County Pa.
r\ 1., PAIRISB, ATTORNEY AT LAW
I '• at the Court House, in Tuukhannock
Wyoming Co. I'a
lTw\ RIIOAD*. PHYSICIAN .t SDR GKON
.1 • wiil.itr.eiil prom tly mail -ills in his pru
f.gjion. May be found at his Office at the Drug
pure, or at his residence on Putman Sreet, formerly
people! by A. K. Peckham Esq.
DENTISTRY.
vi v ,-
-V / ■> 'V Vv >'*
-it y Yi- Trc?
%r_ _ _.■ ■ =s—*"
OR. 1.. T. BURNS has permanently located in
Tuokhann"-k Borough, and respectfully tenders
hi? professional services to its citizens.
OfTi e on second floor, furuiarly occupied by Dr.
Uilman.
vSnlGtf.
PORTRAIT, LANDSCAPE,
AND
OKJf EM SEPTAL
PAI2JTINTG.
'Jiy )r. 'IIUGE7I, Artist.
Rooms over the Wyoming National bank,in Stark's
Brick Block,
TUNKTIANNOCK, PA.
Life-size Portraits painted from Amb'nty|>es or
Photographs—Photographs Pointed in OilCtlors
All orders Ur paintings executed according to or
der, or no charge made.
\.~<f Instru 'tions given in Drawing. Sketching,
Portrait on.l Land-mope Painting, in Oil or water
Colors. anJ in all branches of the art.
Tank , July 3!, "gl -vgr.SO-tf.
NEW
TAILOBJM SHOP
The SuWrißer having had a sixteen year? prac
tical experience in en'ting and making olothiDg
now offers his services in tiiig lino to the citizens of
SKI :s?s an! vicinity.
Those wishing to get Fits will find his shop the
pise to get them.
JOEL, R. SMITH
-nSO-fimos .
BOLTON HOUSE.
HA KRIS HIIRO, PI.NNA.
The undersigned having lately purchased the
' BUEHLKK Hul -K " property, has already eom
nenced such alterations an l improvements as will
ica ler thi? old and popular House equal, if not supe
rior. to any Hotel in the City of Harrisburg.
A continuance of the public patronage is refpect
•lly solicited.
GEO. J. BOLTON
WALL'S HOTEL,
LATE AMERICAN HOUSE/
TL' N h II V V MX k. WYOMING CO., PA
THIS establishment has recently been refitted an
A furnished in tbe latest style. Every attention
nil be ven to the comfort and convenience of those
io patronize the Ilou*e.
T B W ALL, Owner and Proprietor-;
Totkhmnock, Sertembcr 11, 1861.
MEANS' HOTEL.
TOWANDA, R*A.
lb B. BART LET,
R (Late oft., "BRAINARD HOUSE, ELMIRA, N. Y.
PROPRIETOR.
T h AKS BOTEL, i- one of the LARGEST
and I.Ei-T ARRANGED Houses in the country —It
is fitted up in the most modern and improved style,
en 1 no pains are spared to make it a pleasant and
agreeable stopping-place for all
v 3, n2l, ly.
WORTH BRANCH HOTEL.
MESHOPPEN, WYOMING COUNTY, PA
Mm. 11. COKTRIGIIT, Prop'r
LEAVING resumed the proprietorship of the above
il Hotel, the undersigned will spare no efforts
lender the house an agreeable place ot sojourn to
in who may favor it with their custom.
Wm. 11. CORTRIGHT.
3rd, rSGS
Bill & ems CQLIMI
A LARGE
STOCK OF
SPKOG
GOODS,
JUST RECEIVED AND
For Sale
$
CHEJIP,
c
ALL KINDS OF
Produce
TAKEN IN EXCHANGE
FOR GOODS
AT
BUNNELL <T BANNATYNE'S
Tunkhannocky Pa.
! 5n41.
TDNKHANNOCK, WYOMING CO., PA.-WEDNESDAY, SEPT. 25,1807.
LOFTNJ,
PETER McGOTRE : OR, NATURE AND
GRACE.
[Reported for the Banner of Light. Dr. 11. F. Gard
ner |
It has always been thought a most critical case,
When a man was possessed of more Nature than
Grace ;
For Theology teaches that man from the first,
Was a sinner by Nature, and justly accurst ;
And 'Salvation by Grace," was the wonderful plan
Which God had invented to save erring man.
'Twas the only atonement he knew how to make,
To annul the effects of his own sad mistake.
Now this was the doctrine of good Parson Brown,
Who preached, not long since, in a small country
town.
He was zealous, and earnest, and could so excel
In describing the tortures of sinners in Hell,
That a famous revival commenced in tho place,
And hundreds of souls found "Salvation by Graee,"
But he felt that he had not attained his desire,
Till he ha-1 converted one Peter MoSuiro.
This man was a blacksmith, frank, fearless and
bold,
With great brawny sinews like Vulean of old :
He had little rerpect for what ministers preach,
And sometimes was very profane in his speech.
His opinions were founded in clear common sense
And he spoke as he thought, though be oft gave
offence.
But however wanting, in whole or in part.
He was sound, and all right when you came to his
heart.
One day the good parson, with pir.us intent,
To the smithy of Peter most hopefully went ;
And there, while the hammer industrously swung,
He Drcached, and he prayed, and exhorted, anl
swung,
And warned, and entreated peer Peter to fly
From the pit of destruction before he should die ;
And tojwash himself cleaa from tho world's sin
ful gtrile.
In the Blood of tho Lamb, and the River of Life.
Well—and what would you now be inclined to ex
pect
Was the probable issue and likely effect ?
Why ! ho swore "like a Pirate," and what do you
think 1
From a little black bottle took something(o drink
And he said—"l'll not mention tbe Blood of the
Lamb,
But as for that River it aren't worth a
Then pausing —as if to restrain this rule force
He quietly added—-'a mill-dam, of course."
Ouiek out of the smithy the minister fled,
As if a big bomb-shell had burst near his head ;
And as he continued to haste on his way,
He was too much excited to sing or to pray ;
But he thought how that some were elected by
Grace,
As heirs of the kingdom—made sure of their place
While others were doomed to the pains of Jdell-fire,
And if e'er there was one such, 'twas Peter Me-
Guire.
That night, when the Siorm King was riding on
high,
And the red shafts of lightning gleamed bright thro'
tbe sky,.
The church of the village—"the Temple of God,"
Was struck, for the want of a good lightning rod,
And swiftly descending, the eleipent ilir#
Set the minister's house, close beside it on fire.
While he peacefully slumbered, and had not a fear
Of the terrible work of destruction so near
There were Mary, aDd Hannah, and Tommy, and
Joe,
All sweetly asleep in tbe bedroom below.
While their father was near, with their mother at
rest,
(Like the wife of John Rogers "with one at the
breast,")
But Alice, the eldest, a gantlo young dove,
Was asleep all alone, in the room just above,
And when the wild cry of the rescuer came,
She only, was left to the {i'.iless flame.
The fond mother counted her treasures of love,
When lo ! one was missing—"Oh Father above."'
How madly she shrieked in her agony wild —
"My Alice! Jiy Alice! Oh save my dear child!"
Then down on his knees fell the Parson, and prayed
That the terrible wrath of the Lord might bo -taped
Said Peter McGuire —"Prayer is good in its place,
But then it don't suit this particular case."
lie turned down tho sleeves of his red flannel shirt.
To protect his great arms all bosrauttej with dirt,
Then into the billows of ?mokc and of Pro,
Not pausing an instant, dashed Peter McGuire.
Oh that tcrnole moment of anxious suspense !
llow breathless their watching ! their fear how in
tense !
And then their great joy ! which could not be ex
pressed,
When Peter appeared with the chili on hiS breast,
A shout rent the air when the darling he laid
in the arms of her mother, so pale and dismayed,
And as Alice looked up Hnd most gratefully smiled
He bowed down his head and he wept like acbil : >
Oh! those tears of bravo manhood that rained o'er
his face,
Showed the true Grace of Nature, and the Nature
of Grace ;
'Twas a manifest token—a visible sign,
Of the indwelling life of tbe Spirit Divine.
Consider such natures, and then, if you can,
Preach of "total depravity" innate in man.
Talk of blasphemy! why, 'tis profanity wild!
To say that the Father thus cursed his own child,
Go learn of the stars, and the dew-spangled sod,
That all things rejoice in the ysodness of God,
That each thing created is good in its place,
And Nature is but the expression of Grace,
A Missouri farmer being asked if rais
ing hemp was a good business, replied, "I
can't sartin say ; but it is surely better
than being raised by it."
" To Speak hia Thoughts is Every Freeman's Ritght. "
THE BACHELOR'S ESCAPE.
If ever there was a fore-ordained bach
elor that man was Major Teller. Some
men are born to bachelorhood —others
have bachelorhood thrust upon them; arid
to the former class belonged our Major. ,
Yon could have picked him out in a mul
titude oit lie had been labeled, like an an
tedeluvian fossil, or a dried specimen of
etomology, there couldn't have been more
certainty in'he matter.
lie was a dapper, thin little man, some- ;
thing under five feet in height, with a
flossy black wig, closelv trimmed side- i
whiskers, and costume so daintily neat
that lie reminded vou of a shining black
cat ; lie took a Turkish bath in the morn
ing. anil a Russian bath in the evening;
lie came home to dinner at twelve pre- j
c'sely, and went to bed at eleven nt night,
with his boots standing at the toot of his
bed, and his stockings at the head, arid his
wig elevated on the gas fixtures, and eve
ry chair ' the room standing at right an- j
gles with the wall!
It was high noon on a sparkling, wiodv
March day when Major Teller came home
to the antique down town boarding home, j
where he had vegetated for tbe las" twenty I
years, and went to his room to brush his I
wig for the mid day meal. Opening the
door he stumbled over an obstacle in the |
way.
"Oh. I beg vonr pardon, I'm sire," said j
the Major, turning very red, and recover- j
ing his footing with difficulty.
It was Miss Patience Petigrew, on her
hands and knees, cleaning olf the oil-cloth j
at the door!
Now, the Major was afraid of Patience '
—afraid of her as tbe plump lamb fears :
the gnant wolf, or the nnoffendiig robin
th<* dire serpent. Mi>s Patience was tall j
lean and sallow, but she curled her hair, |
and wore an artificial rose over her left j
ear. and sang little whistling trues to a
littl • spindle-legged piano, and firmly be
lieved that if she only waited a 1 tile long
er she should get married to s niebodv !
And because the Major sat opposite lug |
at the table—'liss Patience helped her |
widowed sister'keep house,' ar! served
the gravy and sauces—and rog rd d her
artificial rose and bear's grease e rl with a •
sort of fearful fascination. Miss Patience!
somehow opinioned that she slnuld one |
day, Cupid willing, become Mrs. Major I
Teller!
"Tt's of no consequence, Maj<"," said
Miss Patience, recovering her rjece of
soap, which had vkirmished out to the
middle of the carpet; "I hope jour fire
isn't out "! \
"Thank von, ma'am, it is very jood.
"1 do wonder, "Major,"' said \li-s Pa
tience, with a premonitory giggl , "why
\on never got married ?"
The Major retired precipitately behind
the co d scuttle, and made no reply.
"You'd be so much more con f ortab!e,
von know," added Miss Patience, wring
ing out her woolen cloth, and loodng so
lovingly on the Major that he i'treated
still further into his wardrobe, where
among the swinging elfigies of coits and
trowsers he fe t comparatively safe.
Miss Patience hesitated a mom n!. and j
in that moment the Major felt all tie an- \
ticipatory agonies of being pursue!, cap
tured, brought forth and married before
he could got breath to remonstrate. But.
she finally took up her pail and vailsh d.
"Dear me, that was a narrow e capo."
thought our hero, emerging from liis
sanctuary. "Some dav she I! be to innch
for tne. Perhaps I'd better change my
boarding place. Yes—that will b: the 1
only safety. I suppose I couldn't very
well have her sworn over to kee> the ;
peace, and really, there's no saying what '
a determined woman of fif:y might tot do. (
I'll look out f>r a new place to-nioirow."
"Dear me. Major, you have no vppe
tite," said Miss Patience, sweetly, it the
dinner table.
"No,'tna'am," said the Major.
"I'rv to eat a little —just to pleast tne,
Major."
"No, I thank you, ma'am."
"Don't you know, Major, people will
sav, you are in lore, if you don't eat i ;®r '?'
smiled the antiquated sp Aster.
This was more than our lie.ro con J en
dure : he rose up and left our heroiia tri
umphant victory of the wordy field.
"I won't go back to that lmnse ifL can
help it," thought Major Teller, brudnng
the cold dew away from his forehead with
a crimson silk pocket handkerchief. -'Tier
intentions are serious * I know they are."
And the Major in his innermost mind
reviewed the catechism and hymrs he
had learned as a child ; trying to think if
there was not some invocation particular
ly suited io an elderly gentleman in great
peril and perplexity. But he could not
remember anything appropriate to his par
ticular case.
"It's twenty years since I've been in
the inside of a church." thought the peni-
I tent old offender. "I wish I'd gone a little
more regularly I wonder if it's too late
in life to reform !"
For the Major, poor old gentlemen, had
a vague idea that 'religion' would be a
sort of safeguard against the wiles of his
fair enemy. Deliverance from Miss Pa
tience Pettigrew must be obtained on
some terms or other.
As Major Teller was frantically revolv
ing these things in his mind, he came to a
sudden and involuntary standstill. There
was a crowd gathered in the street —a
fallen omnibus horse, or an arrested pick
pocket, or some nucleus, round which
gathers the rapidly increasing swarm of
i metropolitan loafers. Now of all things.
Major Teller most dreaded a crowd, and
he looked around nervously tor some
| means of escape.
An old fashioned church, with open
doors and some sort of service going on
inside, caught the Major's eye. He
made an instantaneous dart for its huge 1
Gothic portals, shielded by inner doors of t
, green baize.
i "It's a good chance to think of some-1
; thing solemn and appropriate, and that
sort of thing, until the crowd gets bv," he 1
j thought, settling himself in a corner of one
of the soft-cushioned pews, to listen to the
mild, droning voici, of the old clergyman.
The church was very warm, and the
light, sottenedjhy purple ami golden crim
i son g:ass, was ,dim. and the clergyman's
voice rather monotonous, and M ajor Teller
was unconsciously becoming rather drow
sy, when a plump obi lady came in. and
the sexton beckoned him from his seat.
But the sermon was over and people
streaming down the aisle, and the Major '
felt that he di in't care to prolong the
i thing, and that he had done a very lunda
: ble act in coming to chureh, and—
Even while these ideas were passing in- |
distinctly through his brain, he was borne '
towards the altar in an upward eddv of
; the crowd, and felt a gaunt arm thrust !
| through.his.
"Protect me, Major! oh, save me!"
! whispered Miss Patience Pcttrigrew,— j
■ "I'm so 'feared in a crowd always!"
The Major strove to withdraw his arm.
but Miss Pettigrew would not let him.— ;
j They were standing directly in front of j
j the altar arm-in arm. The minister, old
1 ar.d near-sighted, and a little deaf, advanc
; ed, probably concluding that his services
were required.
Major Telles's biood ran cold ; he tried i
to protest, but his tongue seemed paralyz
| ed. Miss Pettigrew hail captured him as j
a lamb for the slaughter, and where was
the use of further struggle/ A few
! words —an appallingly brief ceremony—
and Major Teller was married to Miss ,
Patience Pettigrew!
"Take the market-basket, my dear' i
said the gaunt bride, "and stay —ypu'd
: better carry the umbr 11a . too ! We'll go
right home. Old folks like you and me
j don't care for a wedding tour, do we !" j
The Major looked piteously at his bet—
; ter-ha!f and made no answer. She, how- j
| ever, waited for none, but drew him along
: with a quiet determination that argued ill
! tor tbe future.
I "Give tne the key to the room, my
| dear," said Mrs Patience Teller. "J'd
better keep it in future."
The Major handed over the key with
out a word of remonstrance, and his elder- j
lv wife opened the door.
"We'll slick up things a little," said
Mrs. Teller, landing the Major's beloved j
papers together, and pitching his box of |
cigars out of the window.
"But, Miss Patience !
" That r
"My dear wife, I mean !"
"Ah. yes. What were you going to re
mark
"My cigars—l—!"
"Oh, well, 1 don't like smoke —never
did ("
"But what are you doing with my slip
pei> !
"Trying'em on—don't they fit me so !
I nicely. Guess I'll keep 'em, Semprorni- ;
us! I wish you u take all these coats and j
ihings out of the wardrobe—l want it for
my dresses.' .
"But where shall I keep them, Miss
l'a—?"
" What did you say ?"'
"Mrs. Teller, I would remark.'*
"Oh. under the bed, or somewhere! — '
i Pink soap, eh !—I prefer Castile. Co- 1
logno 'i>t de Florida, eolj cream ? Who
• would ha' supposed you were such a uau- !
i t J v , Senipronius. You must have plenty i
of money. By the way, suppose you give i
i it- the money to keep now, my dear t — !
I 111 manage it a good deal more ecouom
j icallv than vou'll be likely to,"
"But -,"
"Give the money, I say !"
Maj"r Teller meekly pat his hand into
hs po ket aud submissively handed over
the purr-e.
"Will, now voti'd better go about your i
j business,' said the g'Uitle bride, ".md not ;
tome, home till t< a tune--l do abominate
UP n lounging round in the way forever ;
and dor.'t come smelling of tobacco if you
know what is good for yourself, Semproni 1 1
us Teller!"
The Majoi crept silently away, think
ing how. the last time he crossed that
threshold, he was a tiec man, now :
"I'm married!" mused Major Teller.
"I couldn't help it; it was at my tault,
hut here 1 am, no money, no cigars, no
freedom—worse than any galley slave. —
Sixty years old next month, and—mar-j
ried to Patience Petiigrew i" j
lie walked disconsolately down the :
street, both hands in his empty pockets, j
and his ht tipped restlessly over his eyes. ;
A greater contrast could hardly have been
imagined than existed between this slov
enljq seedy, wretched looking man, and
the trim, tidy, cheerful little Major Teller
jof six hours ago. He caught a fleeting
glimpse of himself in a mirror belonging to
I some picture frame store, as he sauntered
by—it startled even himself,
j "I wouldn't have known myself," he
muttered gloomily. " Well, I'm married
now—married to Patience Pettigrew !"
He stopped at the street corner, uncer
tain which way to go. But as lie gazed,
the bright, steely glimpse of the river
caught his eye.
"All right," muttered Semproniou?,
gloomily. "I'll go and drown myself, it s
a short way out of a long lane of ditfienl
tv. Anything hut going back to Patience
Pettigrew!"
He went down with long determined
I strides towards the shiDing, broad stream,
wh<-re the ships lay peacefully at anchor,
and the little boats shot hither and tliitb :
er, anil the waves sparkled up like sheets'
of diamonds. All these thing* Major-,
Teller saw without marking them, as be
made resolutely for the pier.
"Want a boat, sir," demanded a sturdy ;
man.
"Yes," said the Major, "I want Cha- 1
ron's l>oat, to row me over Styx 1'
"Don't know him, "sir," said the puz- |
zlcd boatman, "but mine's sound and light .
and—" '
The Major waited to hear no more, but j
gave a blind, downward jump !
Down, down with that peculiar sensa- i
tion of falling so familiar to all—down — [
down —until—
' Beg pardon, sir, b'.t the ,j§ go
ing to be shut up. and everybody's gone.
Hope you have had a good nap. sir!
The exton spoke satirically, but in his
tones Major Teller recognized hope and
freedom. He started wildly to his feet.
"Then Fin not married after all, sexton?"
"Married'sir ? Not unless you've been
married in your dreams!"
"That's it, exactly !" ejaculated the Ma
jor, jumping up, "I ve been asleep and
dreaming!,'
Major Taller satisfied the sexton with a
donation whose liberality astonished even
that personage, and went at once to the
Hotel to engage rooms.
"I'll send for my things," he thought,
"I wont go Imck to that house, lest Miss
Patience Petti. r rew should do something
desperate. "I'm not married, and I den t
mean to be married !*'
The Major was right. Discretion is the
better part ot valor —and Miss Pettigrew
was Miss Pettigrew still! But Major lel
ler goes to church very regularly r.ow !
WIFE DESERTION. —The large number
of cases of this kind which come before
our magistrates and the courts, disclose a
state of things iu the social condition of a
certain das* which is greatly to be deplor
ed, and which calls for a remedy. We
doubt whether a more effectual one can be
devised than the rigid enforcement of the
law parsed by the last legislature, compell
ing men to provide for their wives and
families. Heretofore whenever a man got
it into his head to desert his wife for no
cause whatever, but simply because he got
tired of her, or because he found it too bur
densome to laoor for her support, all be
to do was to leave her, and ten chances lo
one he was never afterwards called upon '.o
support her. because the law prescribed no
adequate remedy. Such was the fact in
all cases where the husband had no means
beyond his daily earnings. The law above
referred to changes this state of things, and
whenever a husband deserts his wife here
after, without sufficient cause, he rruSt ex
pect to be made to contribute a reasonable
amount towards her support, or else under
go imprisonment, in default thereof, until
lie is ready to comply with the provisions
of the law in that, respect. It is right and
proper that it should be so, and there can
be no doubt but that a strict enforcement
of the law in this particular will have a
very salutary effect upon society, and will
enforce a stricter observance of, and create
a higher regard for, the sanctity of the mar
riage vow among certain classes.
GOD'S CARE FOR US.—WE talk of (rod
as if we thought Him to be the governor
of the world, aud the dispenser of all
events that happen to mankind; but vet.
alas ; bow few of us are there that dare
repose any confidence in II im ! Our care
about our affairs is as great as if all things
came to pass by chance, or fate, or the
will of nnn. We are. indeed, apt enough
to trust God witli our souls, not caring
how little thought we take about them
ourselves ; but as far as our worldly con
cerns, we will not trust Ilim any faither
ihui as we see we have the means of ac
complishing our designs in our own hands.
But this is a base, unthankful, unworthy
practice; for shame's sake, let us shake off
this dull, earthly, stupid humor ; let us
cast our eyes to the Author and Preserver
of our beings, and. like men, make use of
the n ason and understanding that fie has
given us, not living altogether by sense,
as the biute beasts Jo, but exercising t'aith
in the goodness and power of God. "Be
hold, the eve of the Lord is upon them
that fear Him, upon them that hope in
His mercy."
OCR FHIENDS AFTER DEATH.—A fa
ther once related to his children the fol
lowing story : The Governor of ao island
j was once called to appear before his King
!to give an account of his stewardship.—
| These friends in whom be most confided,
' parted with him at his house; others
! went with him to the ship, while many in
| whom he had placed but little trust, and
I whom he scarcely recognized as friends,
i much to his surprise, escorted iiim on his
' journey—spoke for him, and secured him
♦.he favor of the King.
"So man," continued the father, "has on
i earth three kinds of friends, whom he only
learns to know aright when he is called to
I leave this world and render his account
to God. The first of these—gold and
lands—remain behind ; the second—
friends and relatives—go only to the
1 verge of the grave; the third—his good
deeds—accompany him in his journey to
the better land, and are with Christ Ms
advocate before the throne, and purchase
for him favor and pardon. llow foolish
is raftn to pride so little here, wbat will
constitute bis wealth hereafter.".
TERMS, $2.00 Per. ANNUM, in Advanoe.
J BJise anti ot[ierfeisf.
f 'Twas night! the wind howled dismally
without; the heavens shed tdhhentl of
1 ram bpon the drenched earth, while tee
j thunders rolled along the vaulted heavene
and the intense darkness was only dispelled
j by an occasional Hash of lightning, anight
for the murderers and fiends jf earth. But
hark ! what noic falls on the ear ? 'Tis the
stealthy tread of the midnight assassin bent
on some deed of terrible vengeance—with
cantVus step he approaches the bed ; iand t
6eeks bis victim, and with uplifted hand he
speaks : "ila ! I've got you now !" and with
| unerring aitn his hand descends and kills—
! a bed bug !
Epigram written on the chamber door of
King Charles 11., by the Earl of Roches'er :
Here lies the mutton-eating king,
Whose Word no man relies on,
Who never said a foolish thing,
Nor ever did a wise one.
A couple of neighbors became so inimical
that they would not speak to each other
but one, having been converted at a camp
meeting, on seeing-his former enemy, held
out his hand, saying, "llow d'ye do, Kemp
I am humble enough to shake hands with a
dog."
A disease called the "black tongue" was
prevalent in the last Rump CoDgress.
A Farmer in Missouri, on being asked the
number of his children, hesitated, and refer- .
red the questioner to his wife, and she replied
"ten but when in the course of conversa
tion, the farmer was asked as to the number
| of hogs he possessed, he replied promptly,
"seventy-one."
How TOUCHING.— -You have played the
duce with my heart," said a gentleman to
a lady who was his partner in a game of
whist. "Well," replied the lady, with an'
arch smile, "it was because you played the
knave." . ,
A Welsh girl once applied to a clergyman
to be married. The clergyman asked her
what property her husband possessed. The
: answer was :
"Nothing."
"And are you any better off?" he ask
ed.
The reply was in the negative.
"Then why, in the name of common tense
do you dare to marry ?"
"Your reverence," said the girl, "1 have a
blanket,and Jack has a blanket; by putting
them together we shall both be gainers."
The clergyman bad nothing m >re to say.
A little girl, just past her filth year, while
chattering about the beaux that visited two
of the sex in the same house, of more mature
age, being asked. "What do you mean by
beaux Annie ?" replied : "Why I mean
men that have not got much sense."
. .
To plnnge a young lady six fathoms deep
in happiness, give her two canary birds, a
half dozen moonbeam*, fifteen yatds of silk
an ice cream, several rose bud*, a squeeze of
the hand, and a promise of a new bonnet.—
If she won't melt, it will be because she
j can't.
'ln short—ladies and gentlemen, said alt
ovet-powered orator, "I can only say
leave to add—l desire to assure you—that I
wish I had a window tn my bosom, that you
might.see the em >tion of mv heart. [Vulgar l
boy from the gallery] •'Wouldn't a jtane in
votir stomach do this time ?"
Why is a man ascending Vesuvius like an
Irishman trying to kiss a pretty gir! ? Be
cause he want's to get at the crater's mouth.
*** B
A follow Cuming out of a tavern one fr< Sty
morning, rather top-heavy, fell on the door
step.trying to regain his footing he remarked:
"If it be true that the wicked stand on slip
pery ground, I must belong to a different
class, lor it's more than I can do."
"Pray, madam, why did yon name your old
hen Macdufl ? :| "Because, sir, I wanted her
to lay on."
WORSE FOR CORRECTION.— An Editor, in
a complimentary notice of a valiant general,
; was made, by the omission of a single letter,
to call him a "battle-scared" veteran. The
1 poor man hastened to make amends in his
• next issue by aying he meant "battle scar
red," but the composer put it "bottle-scar
' red."
An old toper's conundrum : "If water
tots your boots what effect must it have up
on your stomach ?"
A gipy woman promised to show two
young ladies their husbands' faces in a pai!
' of wafer, They looked and exclaimed
"Why, we nnlv see our own laces." "Well,
those faces will be jour husbands' when you
get married."
■
I Up jumped the devil slow and solemn,
And set two lines to fill this column.
P. 8. -