The Waynesboro' village record. (Waynesboro', Pa.) 1871-1900, September 24, 1874, Image 1

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Two pretty boys. of four and six,
"Wenit wont to play their little tricks
Froth day to day beneath the shade
'Of many a quiet restful glade;
Nor -ever did-they dream of harm,
,For every joy was there to charm,
Nor had they ever known;as yet,
Bow oft fond pleasure leaves regret.
Two evil=eyed and wicked men,
Whom even Saten scarce would pcn
' Within his fiery sulphurious walls, 1
Whose deep damnation oft enthralls
Fair spirits, by a subtle chain,
---,- From which-they-scarce-e-er-freedomgain,l
Yet, even Satan would expel, , 1
Such fiends as these from lowest hell. '
As some foul surpent, close concealed,
"Whose very touch the blood congealed,
_Fremont-his noxious, secret lair,
Steles close upon a- happy pair,
Whose nest, secluded and alone, •
- Becomes to them a royal throne,
- With one fell swoop of poisoned fang,
Changed to death's cry the song they sang.
So did these fiends in human form
Steal on their prey without,alaran, „,0
And soon their hellish deed was done,
Their prize secured, their vic'y wow;
And Charley Ross of but four years.
Was swiftly borne away in tears,
To some dark spot, no knowing where,
But grieran-d-agony-are--there.
Isis littleyftymate with surkise,
With tears of grief yet in his eyes,
Swift pades home the news to bear,
'The news of sorrow and despair ;
From lip to lip it travAls fast,
'Until the mother hears at last
, 'The bitter news, then breaks her heart
.Aud all the world cloth feel the smart.
Her boy whose eye was heaven's own blue
Whose ruby lips were pure and, true, -
Whose golden culls were'netted beams
A.)f glory such as come in dreams;
Whose mellow voice and dimpled cheek,
„Forever only love could speak.
WhoSe 'minded form and cherub face,
Would e'eu the gate of heaven grace.
And this was he who now was gone.
Whom evil eyes had looked upon ;
And thus has fallen, quick and fast,
A grief so deep, a grief to lust,
On those who loved him, those he loved,
That every heart in pity moved ;
And thousands everywhere do share
The grief that sinks to deep despair. ,
sallistellatifous atending.
The train from Grafton, a few days
since, stopped at one - of the way stations
tip take ou a couple newly married. Bo:h
were young and both were verdant ; hav
ing been raised in the wilds of Western
Virginia 'neither of them had ever been
My miles from home. They had heard
of railways, steamboats, locomotives and
hotels, but had never experienced the
comiiikts of any of the aflorementioned in
stitutions. Jeems and Lize had determin
ed on this, the most important event of
their lives, to visit the city, and tee the
aw o r 1 d, paiticularly that portion of it
known as Parkersburg. No wonder- that
they. were amused and delighted,when the
locomotitre, steaming and snorting with
the. beautiful, crimson cars following it,
came in sight.
•'.lhose your trunks?" said the baggage
"Well I sorter calculate tlem's 'em,"
said Jeems.
The trunks (a spotted hair trunk and a
very old-fashioned valise) were soon in the
baggage car, tellowed by Lize and Jeems.
, "I'll be darned if railroads ain't trnice
thing," said Jeems, seating himself on his
luggage and carefully holding up the tail
of his tight-waisted blue,adorned with re
.splendent metal buttons out of the dust.
.".Lize, sit hero by me."
• "Come out of that," said the baggage'
piaster, "you are in the _wrong car."
"The hell I am! D'ye 'spose I don't
know sAikti'm 'bout? These is my traps,
and I lc late to stay where they are
Keep quiet, Lize t they say we've got to
fight our way through the world,auy how,
and if that chap with the cap on wants
anything, why I'm his man. Don't want
any yer tbolin round me!"
Here the captain interposed and explain
ed matters, insomuch that Jeems consent
ed to leave his traps and folksy the cap
tain. What was his delight when he sur
.veyed the magnificence of the first-class
passenger-car, into which he was ushered.
His imagination_ had never in wildest
plight, pictured anything half so gorge
pus. Ike was aroused from the contem
plation of the splendor arciund him by the
:shriek of the iron hiirse.
"Jewillikens I what in the thunder's
Abut?" exclaimed Jeems. •
"That's the horse squealing when they
punch him iu the ribs with At pitch fork,
:to make him go along," said a sleepy judi
;value' just behind him.
"Look here, stranger," said Jcems. t`l
know you think I'm a darned fool, may
be I am; but there's one thing I know,
that is, that you 11 get your mouth broke
of you don't keep it shut. I don't sa y
inuchjust at that moment they found
themselves in I . 7,l;yptia4 durkuess, and
then was heard - a scream almost equal to
that of the engine from . Lize, as she threw
her arms around the neck of Jeems.
"I knew it," exclaimed the sleepy indi
vidual "we. are ell lost, every mother's
son of ms. 'We can just prepare to` make
aequaintance of the gentleman in black,
who tetidi the big fire dein below."
"Oh-, Lord!-Jeems, what will become of
us? I.felt skeery about gettin' on the °a
lai:dish thing at first "
4 .Keep quiet, Lizel holleriu' won't do
any good now: Efyoi know any prayer
now's your time to say it, for both of us."
"What's the matter here?" said the as
tonished conductor, coming up as the
train emerged once more into the light.
"That's just what I'd like. to know,"
said Jeems, when he saw that Lize ad
himself were 'still alive.
"We've just passed through Eaton's tun
nel," replied our polite captain. - "How
far are you going?"
"Well, I reckon we'll stop at Parkers
"Show your tickets, if you please."
"Sartinly. Lize, you got some with you.
Let this gent look at 'em."
• Lize drew a piece of white piper from
her reticule, and with a smile, handed it
to our friend the captain, who read:
"The pleasure of your company is re
spectfully solicited," etc.
"What's this!" said the captain.
"Why i that's one of the tickets to our
weddin ; that's what you asked for, ain't
it?" said the somewhat surprised James.
. "Whaw! whaw! whaw!", was the discor
dant sound that arose from the seat of the
sleepy looking individual.,
__A_bland_smile passed_over-the-face-of
the captain, as he explained the meaning
to our verdant friend. He had do ticket
but willingly paid his fare, and the train
sped on to its destination. But wonders
-did-n ot-cense-here—presently-ou r--pert
newsboy, Billy, entered the car, and step
ping up to Jeeins,'he asked:
"Have a Sun, sir?"
" Wall, if I. have my way about, the
first one will be a son, sartiu,"said Jeems,
Lize blushed.
"Don't count your children before they
are hatched," said Billy as he hastened to
the next car.
In due time the train stopped at the
big depot, in Parkersburg - . Amid the
confusion of strange noises, and the bab
ble of discordent voices, our friends land :
ed on the platform.
"Bus, sail? Bus, sah! free for the Uni
ted States!" said the sable porter of our
up-town house. Lady, take a bus, sah?"
"Wall, I rather spose she won't from
any body but me—reckon I'm able to do
all in that line she wants, and more too."
"Go to the Swan House, sah? right a
cross de street—best house in de city.
This way, sir, any baggage? Have it sent
to your room in a few minutes."
Iu a short time Jeems and his bride
found themselves in one of the comforta
ble rooms on the second 'floor of that well
ordered establishment, the Swan House.
The baggage was sent up with usual
promptness, and our' friends ware sodh
making their-toilet for dinner. Jeems bad
his coat and boots off in a jiffy, and Lize's
hair fell gracefully over her shoulders.
"That's a deuced pretty torsel!" said
Rents, eyeing the bell-cord, "wonder what
it's fur? Look, it works up there on a'
sort of a thingumbob. I'd like to have
that terse) to pit on my hrose's head next
muster day, see how it works," said he,
giving it a pull.
Presently the door opened, and the sa
ble face of one of Africa's sons was thrust
into the room, with the inquiry of "Ring,
"Ling? ring what, you black ape? If
you do not quit your looking at my wife
and make yourself scarce, I'll wring your
head off."
"Stop a minnit," said Lize, "what is the
name of the man that keeps this taveruT'
"Mr. Conley. mann."
"Well tell his lady that she•needn't go
to any extra fizins on our account, for
we are plain, -people," said the amiable
"As they used to say in our debating
society," interrupted deems, "I'd amend
that motion by saying, you can tell them
the best they've got I'm able to pay fo
and don't care for expenses."
"Tee-heel Tee-he!" was
,the only audi
ble reply from the sable gent, as he hur
ried down stairs.
Dinner came, and was dispatched with
a relish. Jeems and his bride took a stroll
over the city, seeing the lions and other
sights, until supper time,which being over,
they retired to their rooms. The gas was
lit by the servant, who received a bright
quarte: for his serviJes. &ems was
in bed, and according to the rule in 'Such
cases, had to put ot.t the light, which he
did with a blast from his lungs.
The noise in the street had died away,
and quiet reigned in the Swan House.
The man on the watch dozed in his chair.
The clerk (rather corpulent) was about to
retire when he thought he smelt gas. The
_(some of them) thought they smelt
gas. Much against his will, the del* pro.
ceedel to where the leak was. It seemed
stronger in the neighborhood of the room
occupied by the bride and groom. 'Ma
clerk concluded to knock at the door of
the room.
" Vtf'ho is there?" car he from the inside.
"Open the door the gos is escaping."
"Gas! what gas?" said Jeeins, °pest rig
the door:
"Why, here, in the room. How did-you
put the light out?"
"Blew it out. of course."
1-Yost played 11—." Our amiable clerk
came very petty saying n bad word, but
remembering that there was a lady in the
case or rather in the bed, he checked his
rising temper, and having lit the gas,pro
ceeded to show Jeems the mystery of the
burner, as follows:
"You see this little thing here? Well
when yoii want to put it out, give it a
turn this way, and when you want to make
it lighter, yoU,givti it a turn this way Se
rious consequences might have resulted if
it bad nqt been discovered. It might have
suffocated us all. Now be ; careful next
"Much obliged. But how the devil did
I know the durned stuff was 'scaping?"
responded Jeems.
"Didn't you smell it?" asked the clerk.
"'Pears to me I smell suthin',"' said
Jeems. "But Lize -I'll be durned if I
didn't think it was you-Aase I never
slept with a, woman afore."
"Well, Jeems I thought it was you that
smelt that way, all the time. I was jest
a wondering if all men smelt that way.
It 'peared strange; but, then, I never slept
with a man afore, in all my life, and did
n't know nothing about it," was the , re
sponse of Lize, as she turned over for a
The red in the clerk's face grew smil
ingly redder as it reflected the light from
the burning jet, and a roguish twinkle
urkedliFthe corner of his eYV , ,
turned off the gas and all was dark, and
our friends was left in their glory. A
sound of suppressed mirth was heard in
the reading room for a few mintues, and
then all was still.
Are women the only subjects of this di
sease, or are men similarly affected? This
idea came into my mind after reading an
anecdote told by Henry Ward Beecher,
as an answer to the inquiry whether there
was any cure fi.r a scolding wife.
A certain deacon of mild nature and a
well-balanced judgment, had lived a life
of rare prosperity; even the death of his
first wife was blessed to him. (I have
seen other men in the same fix.) At a
married to a spinster, who was neither
handsonie nor a iable. Not long after
his new wife, who was not wantina °
good sense, said to him : "Now tell me
what you married me for? I was poor, and
you knew it. I was not of good disposi
tion, and the whole town knows I am hom
ely. Now what did you do it for I" He
replied: "All my life has been a blessing
—everything has prospered with me.—
I have no judgments sent upon me. And
when I read, 'whom the Lord levet!: he
chastenetly and scourgeth every son whom
he receiveth,' I began to fear I was not a
ehristian,.and I thought that if I should
marry you I should have trouble enough
to secure my salvation ." "Well ," she
replied,' "if you think I am •„going to be
your pack-horse to carry you to heaven,
3 ou'll be mistaken." Aud there-upon she
turned about and made the Lcst of wives.
Now don't forget, oh, thoughtful read
en, when you are perusing my pages for
new thoughts, that too free rein given to
your temper is only making you pack
horse to carry the ridicule of your neigh
bors. And let me tell you that the man
or woman who says: •`,I can't look back
to my childhoOd wahout one regret; I can't
lice anything pleasant there that I should
like to live over," is to be pi:ked. Make
home the brightest place ou earth to hus
band and children, there will be le: s at
tracions to saloons, less children on the
street at night, and far more love and
comfort at home. And in the after life
of your children, when theywill lookback
on their youth with loving thought, and
many times when they stand on the brink
of ruin, the thought - that mother would
not like this; bas turned hundreds into
the the true path.
change remarks that this has been "a bad
year for good men." While another in
commenting upon this statement says,
"Rather has it been good for bad men."
The harvests of musks has been a prolific
one, and hypocrisy has stood revealed iu
all its naked deformity. Religion does not
suffer by these exposures. Neither the Al
mighty nor His cause is tied up in the base
bodies of a few scoundrels who have "sto
len the livery of the court of Heaven to
serve the devil in."
Only fools will charge piety and mor
ality with the crimes of villains who have
personified priesthood for their own evil
purposes. An honorable business firm
may as well be bli ted 'h ,lic
who count
innocent peg
nefitted by
by whippii
all the mol
penalty w:
upon the gi
seems to lu
and while
to distrust
gard retail
they will 01
ty and to
At a reci
schools in
put to a eh
bright littl
you know,
it connects
and cuts
the triumpl
It takes
to teach tl
how to hel
sorest need.
little Mrs.
out of prisoi
herselt to
to safety al
We paint our lives in fresco. The soft
and fusile plaster of the moment hardens
under every stroke of the brush into eter
nal rock.
We ace judged by the totripauy
This is a 'strange, mysterious world—
Say, don't you think so Bill—
'Where every man his foot does raise
To help you down life's hill?
I love indeed to see men kind—
But then I'm not so-flat
As to desire froat their soles
Such striking help astliat.
This is a strange, mysterioui world—
So all the ladies say ;
As with bonnets trimmed with roses fair,
They go to church to pray ;,
And how provoked the dear souls are,
While sitting in their pew,
To be gazed upon by nice young men,
Who've nothing else to do.
This is a strange, mysterious world,
Where many sorrows grieve us ;
And e'en the women that we love
Are oft the first to leave us, •
And then they say, to calm our grief,
"We love you as a brother,"
And-lavish_soft r aweet torils on us,
But kisses on another.'
This is a strange, mysterious world
In which we live and thrive,
Where half the folks are starved to death•
To keep the rest alive ;.
Some are in want, and all have ills,
Yet seem to mind it not;
But they grow grave when thoughts intrude
' About a grave-yard lot.
This is .a strange, mysterious world—
This rolling world of ours ; • -
It is—well really now, I say it is— -
"By the eternal powers."
We cannot meet a well-tried friend,
And with him take a drink,
But some stiff Lemperance man will say,
We're on daErruction's bpi ik.
Miserable Homes.
What a mistake some good people make
when they maintain, within the home,cir
cle, the rigid rule . aud decorum which be
comes irksome even during a committee
meeting, when parents and children as
semble at the table in solemn silence,and
finish -the meal within the prescribed min
utes ; and the late arrival at the breakfast
table is scowled at, reprimanded, and re
marked upon by mother and father, aunt
and uncle, until the more punctual ju
niors come to regard him as a black sheep.
Oh, horrid hi;me, where the little boys
are never seen without their school hooks,
or the little girl without a towel to hem ;
where ma no more dares to buy a rattle
for the baby without .mentioning the ex
penditure to • pa, - than - anybody dares to
throw open the parlor shutters or tuck up
the curtains, or even at the table to have
more of this dish or less of that.
The small boy who . , hates flit is not ac
e= moda,te(l, as Jack Sprat's wife was, by
anybody. The tall girl who naturally
likes pudding, has her triangular wedge,
and no more ; while the eldest son, out
growing his liking for-the dish, is reprov
ed for the leaving of a piece on his plate.
Order and good housekeeping are charm
ing, but the good order or a person, and
the regular supply of rations necessary
in a Workhouse, are not suitable for home.
Home is no home unless,. as far as rea
son will allow, the tastes an-1 wishes 'of
the younged t child are consulted ; unless
there is - freedom of word and action,
speech and love, and good-will without
When I was a child, home was the
place where the wicked ceased from troub
ling, and the weary were at rest.
Everything was always forgiven there.
There *as no awful rod behind the door,
no domestic dungeon under the roof. I
do not think I grew, up a worse woman
because I was not whipped, or put to bed
without my supper for .dressing the bed
post in grandmother's best lace cap, or
making paper dolls, against orders, in the
front parlor—because life was not made
a burden to me by forcing fat into my un
willing mouth, sugar candy forbiadea_as
though it was poison.
(o 11. Eh al tears over the wretch
ed homeless children of the house where
discipline,-as strict as that of the armv,is
maintained, though their fare is costly
and the dress perfect, and their future;
^ to lee final.—
‘a the ehil
ister about
any fear of
;o tell their
rom follies ;
, remember
rho flogged
y who kept
s for them,
•espect and
to its par-
ElVAlligua i
too full, puts out. the fire.
Delays are dangerous; remember the
hottest toast will get cold by standing.
Whit is-she largest man ? The lover;
lie is a fellow of tremoidoas sighs.
• NOT TO n CAUGHT Twicx..-7-2A good
story is told 'of a German, by the name of
Schmidt, who had taxen the precaution
to insure the life of his wife for • $5,000,
and the stable for $9OO, believing the for
mer might die and the latter might be
burned, and he-could not get, along with
out some compensation for his 'lose. Both
policies had been taken from the same
agent. In a few months after the stable
had,been insured, it was destroyed by fire.
Schmidt quietly notified the agent, and
hinted to him that he would expect the
s9oo'at the earliest possible moment. The
agent at once sent a. carpenter to ascertain
the cost of erecting a new stable of the
same dimensions, having found that the
property had been insured for more than
it was worth, The bUilder reported that
he could replace the stable with ii4lw -ma
terial for $5OO. Unfortunately, there was
an ordinance against the erection of frame
buildings—tho old stable having been
made of wood• He was asked to estimate
the cost of a brick stable, and reported
the amount at $750.
_The_agent_then notified Schmidt that he
would build him 'a new brick stable in
the place of the old frame one;bu t Schmidt
became very indignant at the proposition,
saying :
"I don't undershand dis inshurance piz
'nen. • I bay you vor nine hundred toi
lers, and yen mine sthable burns dOwn
you make me a new von. I ton't vant a
new stable, I vant mine nine hundred col
late' •
The agent reasoned with Schmidt but all
to no purpose.
When the stable was about finished,
Schmidt went to consult a lawyer think
ing that he could still get the amount of
the policy, besides having the new stable.
The lawyer, however, infornied him that.
the companyhad the right to make good
the loss by building a new.stable, and ex
pressed- surprise-at-his-desire-of—bringing
suit ag ainst them..
"But," said Schmidt, "I inshure for
nine hundred toilers, and die feller put
dam athable up for seven hundred and
fifty.. I don't understhand die hishurance
pizi tress!" •
Finding that he could not compel the
payment 'by law, he became disgusted
with the insurance business altogether.
Calling upon the agent, Schmidt said :
"Mr. Agent, I vaut you to sthop . Vat in
shurance on mine vrow. I ton't pay no
more monish dat vay. I ton't under•
s.hapd dis inshinunce piziness."
"Why, Mr. Schmidt," said the agent,
much surprised, "you are doing a very
foolish thing. You have paid a consider
.ble portion of this policy already, and if
your wife should die you Would get five
thousand .dollars."
"Yaw, flat is vat you told me now,"
said Schmidt. "Ven. I pays you on my
sthable, you say I get nine hundred tol
lars if it was punned down. So it was
purnt, und you viii not give me mine
monist'. You .say, 'Oh, dat vas an old
frame salable, und you no pay nine hun
dred tollars. Ven mine vrow dies, den
yoli say to me, 9b, she vas an old Dutch
voman, uud she not vord anydings—l
getyou a new English vife,' und so I don't
get mine live thousand tollars. You ton't
fool Schmidt a couble of dimes !"
Astounding as it may appear, there are
those who make such a pretence. If it
could be demonstrated, it would prove
that the negro is capable of taking rank
among the greatest of mankind. But de
monstration is just the other way. The
providentially conferred art of embalm
ing, which the Egyptians possessed to a
perfection equalled by no other people,
has settled the whole question. Of all the
millions of-mummies taken from the pyr
amids, not one has the negro conforma
tion, or any of his peculiarities. A writer
who assisted in excavating the mummy of
a young lady of sev.enteen, suppposed to
be the daughter of the High Priest of that
Plm.roah under whom Joseph ruled, says
she was in almost as perfect a condition
as if she had lately died, with small hands
and feet, and hair a yard long. The same
author beam testimony to the Met that all
the other mummies he ever saw had the
distinguishing characteristics of the white
race, and exprmes the opinion that Prov
idence endowed the Egyptian with the art
of embahning in orier to preserve an en
during testimony that they did not belong,
as fanatics. would afterwards assert, to the
A GENTLE REBUKE:.—li re. Washing
ton was a notable housekeeper, as well as
an earnest patriot. During the terrible
winter when the army was encamped at
Morristown, she Was with her husband,
sharing cheerfully all his hardships, and
encouraging both officers and soldiers by
her hopeful words.
A number of prominent ladies in Mor
ristowno sent her word that they were com
ing to spend an afternoon with her.—
Knowing that she was'a high-born Vir
ginian, and of large wealth, they got them
selves up for a state occasion in silks, and
ruffles, and jewelry. Mrs. Washington
received them with great cordiality, and
soon made them feel perfectly at home.—
But they were sorely troubled at their
own finery when they fland that their
hostess wore only a simple dress, . with a
check apron, and was busy during the
whole visit - in knitting stockings for. the
General. She took occasion to say, that
ladies ought to emulate • their husbands
and sons in the army, in making sacrifi
ces for their country, and in working to
multiply its resouic s. The ladies learn
ed a lesson they never forgot.
street late
%lea' jour
lay, rather
le at night.
,y, inclined
and some
lair in the
reeze, hazy,
e lightning.
into a sa
a German
She told
and then
of tile** ;
Ist call lbr
ttle, when
A ter, i'3le pin'shment was that inflict
ed upon a man in - . Delaware, who was
found untying another man's horse at mid
night, by two men Ado made him kneel
on the barn floor and pray his level best
for seven straight
Billings' Wit and Wisdom.
Kind fortune,teach thi servant
but let no sneak of an upstart outshine
him in things that are stylish.
Giv unto me morality copious ; and
may mi shirt kollars bestiffe'r than china
and whiter than. snowballs iu winter.
Smile, thou goddess dear, at my mus
tosb, and may mi wisdom be grate—even
like unto Solomon's,
,Grantthat i ma a patern be, worthy of
all imitashum, and tbat•i able may be
tew wear a boot number 5 ott.these mita
ber 10 feet ov mine.
Fill up my cup to the brim's very top
with honor and honesty, and make mi
neckties mine enemies tew smite with sor
row and confushion.
Take away from me all vanity, but
grant that my Sunday paitterloons ma fit
me as kern fitteth the kob.
Remove fir from me, 0 gentle Fortune!
all pride and vain ostentasbun, but grant
that my name arming wimmin may ever,
be spoken in acksents of gladness.
Make my heart tew glisten with chari
ty, but teach mi taylor and filmmaker
how tew wait for their mutiny and be
ha each'r me to shun all decepsbrin, but
help me to marry a, big pile at last mak
ing sum maiden or young widdo happy.
Take away from mi heart all envy, but
grant, kind Fortune, that mi hat ea,u't
be beat, nor the laveudar tint ov my
gloves be exceeded. •
Fill me with courage true and rgildy,
but if any man offers tew smote mg, giv
to me the fleetness of venison and mi legs
the speed of , a roebuck.
Above all things with modesty shower
me. Yes ! make me all dripping wet,but
don't let me looze a good chance nil nu
Moat to spread before the eyes of men fill
ed with envy.
Smile thou I upon all hatters and bar
bers-,-all shirtimakers-arid-gloviers, all-per--
fumers and dentists, all washwimrain and
shu blaks, and forgive them the debts i
owe them, and kauze me tew weep over
man and hiz meny misfortins.
Bless all maids of estate, all widdo's
with mutiny, all mothers of fashion with
daughters tew marry, all good matches
laying around loose, hilt chiefly giv me a
conshience full of aroma.
Lengthen out, kind Fortune, the days
ov . mi unkle, but should he happen tew
slip away sudden, bow me down with sor
row bekuming.
Listen f dear Fortune, listen_!—giv me
the style of heart hreakiug AdOuts, let
the virtews all seek mi aquaintause, and
feed with nu fires esryuisit the soltaire that
burns on my buzzom.
I will raize thee an altar, kind Fortune,
an alter az hi az a lamp post, if theze mi
prayers are answered—farewell for the
present—don't go back on Beau Bennett,
the beautiful.
who has never traveled upon the, ocean
expects to find it somewhat thickly popu
lated. He thinks of the vast travel and
traffic that goes over the waters, and be
is ready to imagine that the great deep
is alive with its hurrying to and fro of the
nations. He reads of lands "where com
merce whitens every sea," and he is ready
to think that the ocean itself is as 'fall of
sails as the harbor of - some mighty me
tropolis. But he finds his mistake. As
he leaves the land the ships begin to dis
appear. As he goes on his way they
soot all vanish; and there is hoaxing,
about him but the blue sea and blended
sky. Sometimes" he may meet or over
take a solitary ship during the day ; but
then,. again, there will be many days when
not a:single sail will cross the horizon.—
There are spaces measured by thousands
of miles over which no ship has ever
passed. The idea of a "natjon's commerce
whitening every sea" is the wildest fancy.
If all the ships that have ever been built
were brought together in
.a single fleet
they would fill but a hand's breadth of
the ocean. The space, therefore, that
man and his works occupy on the sea is as
small in extent as the hold on it byhis pow
er is slight and superficial. Both together
are us nothing. The ocean covers three
fourths of the surface of the globe, and
by far the greater part of this vast ex
panse is and ever has been entirely free
from his presence and visitation. 0
DIDN'T llxcow llrm.—Had you been
in Washington a short time before the
adjournment of Congiess you might have
had a hearty laugh atihe expense of Cap
tain Codman. In the last hours of the
Congress the captain came tumbling down
stairs in hot search of some one to carry
from the committee-room of Commerce a
pAtent fog-horn intrusted to his care by
an ingenious Yankee acquaintance. At
the foot of the stairway he encountered
a colored man sauntering alopg, pulling
away at a huge cigar.
"My good fillow " cried the captain,
"I'll give you a dollar to carry down my
"Who de debbil do you take me fuh ?"
responded Africa, drawing hiniself up in
dignified wrath.
. "An able-bodied man willing, to make
a dollar," le•ponded Ccd.nau.
"Den you don't know me, B ul l ."
"No,sir, and I have no time to seek an
introduction. Who . are you, anyhOw ?"
"Me, sah ; I'se de honable Mr. Cain.
member ob . nigress."
You don't soy so," remarked the cap
tain, thoughtfully. "Well, Mr. Cain, I
am sorry, for have probably lost the
only opportunity you will ever have of
making au honest' dollar."
An exchange says : "It .is . not _owl
taste for young men to stay after-ten
o'clock when visiting young ladioa-Oni
devil says he never noticed anyll! atutocci
in the taste after ten o'cloCk. ,
it's good any time:.: -
82,00 PER YEAR.
Mit and`Sumo r.
To remove dandruff—Go out on ilia
plainsund insult an Indian.
What is it that makes everybody sick
but thosembo:ssvallow .Flattery.
Carpets are- bought by the yara and
worn by the foot.
/7iat is the difference between a barb
er and a mother? One has razors to shave
ud the other has-shavers to raise.
The two thing that ameman will "go
wild" over are, usualy,ii new dress pattegt
tooth-ache. •
A Vermont debating club is now strums
Ong with the question, "which eitts the
most chickins.—minisfers*r owls." ~ a young lady dependent ou the
letter Y? , Because without it she weal+ .
be a .young
A . youthful Pennsylvania Granger, a
bout to be chastised by his father, the oth
er day, •called for his grand-father to peo
,teet him 'f:om, attn.
A Western paper chronicles a marri7:
in this suggestive style :* 'The couple re
solved themselves into a 'committee of tviu,
with power to add to their number.'.;
Sing Sing cm. —" I you raigli any.
trade, prisoner, state it and we 41(1:;put
you to work at it." Prisoner (jistenter
ed)—" Well, boss, 1, was brung up.a :bat -
tender, and I'd like to go to .work. at,that.,
"Pat, you are wearing your stockings
wrong side outward." "Och, and dou't
I know it, to he sure ! There's hole ou
the other side, there is."
.:perplexed German " tailor, echo hail •
made a garment forat 4h_uth aml_found
himself unable to dispose of the sufplus
fullness which appeared when trying Itou,
declaired vociferously that 'Per coat is
boot. Is no fault of, the coat. De poy is
too slim.
Your Honor,' said plisoner to a judge,
"ray lawyer i 3 not here 'and I request a
delay of the casq for eight days." "But,"
said the judge, "you were caught in the
act of theft ; what can any lawyer say
for you t "That's just what.l. should like
to hear," said the prisoner.
&William," Said one Quaker to anoth
er, "thee konws I never call anybody
names, but William, if the Grernor of the
state should come to me and say, 19.osh
ua, Israut thee to find me the biggest liar.
in the Sate of New York," I would come
to thee and say, William, the Govt.ruor
wants to see thee particularly."
Pitman's woodpile has 'suffered a gocd
deal lately front the ravagei of thieves, so
the old gentleman the other day loaded
gun with coarse salt, and expressed
his bombard the first
man willn should be observed to haunt the ,
timber. On Wednesday morning he had
to attend court, and as ho did not expect
to reach home until late in the evening,
Mrs. Pitman felt it her duty to keep an
eye on the woodpile. But 'Pitmen return
ed about dusk, and as he malked up the
yard be thought he might as well carry :
in enough wood to last all night. lie had
just placed the finirth stick upon his aria
when an explosion occurred, and the same
instant he felt as ifa million red-hot darn
ing needles were dancing up and down
his legs.. Ile had heard from Mrs. Pit
man. He yelled with pain, and droppine ,
the wood, most of it upon his toes, he tell
to the ground. - Just as lie did so, lie saw
Mrs. Pitman standing in the kitchendoor
way with his-firearm at 'parade rest,' and
contemplating her victory and her victim
with sereuity. Pitman's first thought Was
that she had suddenly been animated by
an insane hut judicious desire to realize.
upon his life insurance policy. But when
he screamed to her, she dropped her ar
tillery and flew to the scene with express-
ions of alarm and grief at the discovery
that she had 'pertinsited Pitman. She.
called the servant girl, and as they carried
him into the house, she explained:that she
mistook bins-fur a thief,and then she apol
ogized. Pitman said it was all very well"_;;_
to apologize, but what good was thattoW
man, with two quarts of salt and half
pound of gun-wads in his legs._ Mts. Pit
man • insisted that he oughu't to .mind ai
little salt, it would do him good. She
urged that salt was better than anything
else for preserving meat, and that his legs •
would probably be alive awl Well and
prancing around the universe when the
rest of him was dead mid i spoiled. That
made him mad, and after splitting up Ms
gun with the axe, he, went to bed, and he
hasn't spoke to Mrs. Pitman since; but he
has hinted gloomily to the doctor that if
a divorce can be had he will obtain one.
RATTIER HoT.—A negro preacher-in
Virginia was lately trying to impres, up
on his hearers a correct idea of the general
uncomfortableness of the lower regions - .
'Brudereu,' said he, 'you's 'get:tinted will
Massa Carpenter's furnace, ain't you ?,
A general chorturtit-Wou's - right ! 'Oh
course we is !' convificeellam that thy 'nem
not anything else.' -
• Well,' continued he, 'You know &CA=.
iron runs out, oh ddt tame as water, dubata .
The 'ayes' had it again, so ho concluder/
with— i p
'Now I'se tell you bruderen, dat if a,sin
ner was took out oik Heil an' put in the
middle of Massa Carpenter. 's furnace, he's
dun gwine to hall a ' - ehilt 'arid it-shaking
agy right.utf--AVErsiko' ar.yOu's ham •
. " Th,e
, -• • ' • -