The Waynesboro' village record. (Waynesboro', Pa.) 1871-1900, August 15, 1872, Image 1

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- How many •wish their lives away,
All fraught with care and woe,
Bearing burdens day by day,
But wishing still to go,
'Troubled one, pray tell me,
Has the youthful heart grown cold•?
:11as joy and pleasure left thee
Since the happy days of old ?
Has nature„wifb all her beauty,
No pe3yer to, move the soul—
Must we, ,orily, do stern duty
As the time, will onward roll?
Is there no pleasure in thee
or tlielilue - and - changing-sky,
No charms of flowers to stay thee
As thou art passing by ?
- Does the bright and shaded river
Flow on unlevedlik — fline-- - =" ---
- 'No love for all earth's beauty
God. m aTiWfor you and ?
',What matte,rs,.iii „though hearts are sad,
4nd dark ; hair silver. white—
• There's enough in life to make us glad'
---In_the_path_o_f_lote and
'Hope, with its fairy finger,
Is pointing us onwardever—
To something bright in the future
Which we could love forever—
With its golden halo. o'er us,
To brighten our dark way,•
;With our loved ones all around us
Let us pass our lives away.
Be careful, ye whose wedded hearts
Are loyingly united;
Be hepdful lest an enemy
Steal on' ou uninvited.
A little wily serpent form,
With graceful, luring poses ;
Or, coming in a different guise,
A thorn among the roses.
Be careful, ye whose marriage bells
Now merrily are ringing ;
Be heedful of the bitter word,ll
The answer keen and stinging:
The sharp retort, the angry eye
Its vivid lightning flashing.
The rock on which so many hopes
Are daily, hourly dashing !
"Bear and forbear," the only way
To tread life's pith together, •
Then come, and welcome, shining sun
Or come dark, cloudly weather.
Two loving hearts dissolved in one,
That cannot live asunder,
Have but Love'soold,en armor on
Oh, world, look on and wonder.
glirallautotts gattling.
That Awful Ugly Horse,
, Sam Varney was a Green Mountain boy
.away "down" in New Hampshire. He
had worked as a hired man on different
farms, and had laid up some money. He
had frequently been employed in bring
ing loads of produce to the Boston mar
ket, and had made sales quite satisfactory
to his employers. On several occasions he
had made little speculations of his own
which was quite profitable.
On one of 1 . 4 s visits to Boston, Sash had
fallen in with a Bailor who was a native
of the same town where he himself was
born, and they had a great conversation.
One of the interesting facts which Sam
learned from* his townsman was that sail
ors were occasionally permitted to take out
a small VENTURE, as It was called, of their
own, a little package of goods, a barrel of
mackerel, or something of that sort,which
would not take up much room in the ves
sel ; this they sold and brought home the
proceeds in the produce of the country
they visited.
Oa his return home, Sam meditated pro
foundly on this subject; and finally con
cluded to make a voyage to the West In
dies and take a, venture with him. The
next question was what should the ven
ture be. He had nothing on hand at the
time but a small horse, which he bad won
at a raffle, and had not yet been able to
dispose of. He was not a beautiful horse.
On the contrary, he was generally pro
nounced by the neighbors "an awful ug
ly hoss." His neck was too short, his
head was too long. His body was lean
and scraggy, his mane was rough and re
fractory, and persisted in standing up too
much in spite of trimming and grooming,
and his tail looked like a mop. But Sam
had ridden him repeatedly and found that
he was capable of great speed in running.
The sailors had told Sam that whole
cargoes:of horses were frequently sent from
Connecticut to the West Inditts, and dis
posed of at large profit. So he determin
ed that his horse should be his venture. Ac
cordingly he mounted him, rode down to
Boston, put him in a stable, and went in
search of his sailor friend. He soon found
him, and communicated his plan. His
acquaintance, Tom Standish by name,was
afraid he would not be able to carry it
out, but promised to lend all the assistance
in his power. He had just shipped in a
vessel bound for Jamacia, and more hands
were wanted. He introduced him to the
Captain, who made no objection to ship
ping him as a green hand. When the
question of the venture came up there
was a difficulty. He had no accommoda
tion for a horse on board the brig. Sam
offered to put him on deck and take care
of him. This would be inconvenient and
would interfere with his duty. Determin
ed to carry out his points Sam offered to
pay freight; cash down; before sailing—
and the captain rather aninsedat his per
tinacity; and curiousto see how the 'ven
ture would succeed, agreed to the propo
sal. So the Mate was shipped; and the!
vessel sailed. Sam was the 'butt of the
sailors during the Whole voyage out: There
was no end to their jeers at the appearance,
of the little horse: Their nautical jokes,
were inexhaustibk., and Sam Varney'S
venture wal considered the most desperate
and redieulous speculation that had ever
been. attempted.
136 t. Sam was kiitilerturable. He an
swered all their raileries good naturedly,
and told them "they hid better wait and
see the upshot: He had never made a
bad speculation yet, and guessed he knew
what he was about. The hoss was not it
very handsome bile, but he was a very
ood one. Ite guessed he could sell him."
At length the blig - arrived - at-Wiugstoni
Jamaica, and soon Sam had his horse
landed and stabled. When he came to
offer him for sale, nobody seemed inclined
tebny.___The horse was decidedly too ug
ly for a saddle Ur — gilh - ciiiittitltlichack---
men farm' up their nose at him. Present
ly the race came on, and everybody Was
hurrying out of town to the race-course;
Sam mounted his horse and rode out
with the rest. He observed that the hor
ses-werenot_xemarkable_for their. speed.
There seemed to be --- no thorough: blood
horses among them ; and he concluded
that the race had been got up by the plan
ters from their love of sport, not having
any realri - Ta-horseun - the-Island He be
lieved that his little horse could beat them
all; and he determined at all hazards to
give him a trial ; so he went to the stew
ards and offered to enter him for the next
Sam's proposition' was received with
shouts of laughter. It was considered a
capital joke. - Ile was perfectly serious.
He wanted to run his horse against the
whole field, and was ready to bet on him.
He was accordingly entered, and instant
ly heavy odds were offered against him.
Two to one, five to ten, ten to one, and fi
nally, one planter offered twenty to one.
On hearing this offer, Sam said he would
take it. It was necessary to procure the
amount of his bet. He was in the dress
of a common sailor, and his entagonist
said hewas not going to be trifled with,
the stakes must be deposited with the stew
ards. How much would he bet ?
"Five hundred dollars," replied Sam
"Well, down with your dust," said the
Whereupon Sam took off a leather belt
which he had round his waist, under his
clothes, and counted out five hundred dol
lars in doublpons. The planter's check
was pronounced satisfactory, and received
by the stewards. Many other bets were
made by different persons, with heavy
odds against Sam's horse.
When Sam rode to the starting place
there were shouts of derision at his ap
pearance, and the most unsparing censures
of his presumption in entering on the race.
Sam paid no attention to this, but started
with the rest ; and it soon becaine appar
ent that he was not such a fool as they
took him to be. He was among the fore
most in two minutes; and at the end of
the race, "that awful ugly boss" was pro
nounced. clearly au unequivocally the =-
Sam coolly received his doubloons back
again, and put them into his belt, togeth
er with the planters check for ten thou
sand dollars, which was afterwards duly
lie offered to bet on another race,.but
there were no takers. For this, however
he was compensated for the most liberal
offers for his horse. Five hundred dollars,
one thousand, fifteen hundred, two thou
sand, were bid for him. The last figure
being the highest, Sam accepted it.'
On his return to the brig, Sam ascer
tained that no one of the crew but him
self had been at the races. As soon as
he came on board, the usual bantering
"Well, Sam," said the cook, "how a
bout that venture ?"
"I guess it will do," said Sam. •
"Is that awful ugly horse sold yet?"
asked the second mate,
"Shouldn't wonder if he was," said
"'You don't say so !" said the mate.---
"How much did he fetch?"
"Guess," said Sam. •
"Twenty dollars," suggested the mate.
"More than that," said Sam. Guess
"Fifty," said the mate.
"More than that," said Sam,; "guess
"A hundred," continued the mate.
"A great deal more than that," said
Sam. "You don't know nothing about
Vermont horses. Guess again."
"Two hundred !" exclaimed the mate.
"Oh, it's no use of -your guessing," said
Sam. "That awful ugly horse brought
two thousand dollars, besides the ten thou
sand I won on him at the, races. So you
fellows had better shut up, and say no
more about Sam Varney's venture
And they did shut up. Sam, on the
passage home, was treated with marked
respect. The worst that was said of him
among the sailors was, "Cute fellow, that
Sam. His eye-teeth is cut."
Sam went to sea no more, but be bought
a farm in the Green MoUntain State, mar
ried a rosy-checked Green Mountain girl,
and had many sons and daughters."
A perfectly white robin was recently
caught in Sunbury, Mus.
Good men have tho resvest fears.
Vivi s 4'41;14',42 ;IA )0 ;fffsp) >1.1•14 01 7 .* 1 0 toi z.A • kei•fill ir: 11 1P IXe) 7X:A /CP AyPili pit ILA
The Boy on the Farm.
A great deal has been said of late a
' bout woman's rights, the rights of dumb
' animals, etc. Nearly every class of per
sons have had their champions, and boys,
too, have had theirs, but I. propose to turn
aside from boys generally, and talk for
boys on the farm. I mean the youngest
boy on the farm "is endowed by the Cre
ator with certain inalienable rights ;"
there, don't that sound like a Jefferson
cry ? You acknowledge that is so, but
how do your actions speak ? Here, boy,
you go to bed now—just as he gets set
tled to read the paper, which all the rest
have read—you go to bed so that you can
get up and build the fire in the morning.
Boy. you wait, the seats at the table are
full without "you," with an emphasis on
the you, which plainly means that 3rou
are of no account. Boy, go drive those
cattle out of, the corn, and away he goes
as fast as his legs can carry him, while
you and a half dozen others stand still
and watch him ; he must go on all the er
rands; ho must carry all the water, must
do all the little mean, nasty jobs, that nei
ther you nor the men wilrdijHe-nrust
get the cows every time afoot, while there
are three or four horses lying still in the
stable ; and not only must he do all these
things„buthe must be blamed for doing
them as he does. If tlien-h—ave—a—lit
tle bile they want to work oft', they scold
the boy. If your supper does not rest well
on your stomach, you accuse the boy of
leaving the gate open last week, or of
some other ancient fault of his. If the
gate _gets- off its hinges, the boy - did it.
If the old rooster dies, that careless boy
fed him corn from the Salt dish. If a
sheep gets . its leg . broken, that ugly little
boy did it throwing stones at it. If the
pail is lost, the buy dropped it in the well.
if any tool is lost, the boy—the boy is
the - cry—left it out of-place.
He is the boy that steals all the
° pears, '
breaks all the forks, kills all the geesq,
fcitinderfall thehorses, eats all the pre
serves, and gets all the blame; and not
only does all the wrong things, but he
never does anything well. If he turns the
grindstone two hours at a time, he does
it too slow. If he increases the speed, he
turns too fast ; no matter if he works like
a little steam engine, he is still that lazy
boy. If he works Write faints away, he
is good for nothing, always getting sick.
He never has a toy unless his cousin
from the city gives him a cast-off fish line
or broken kite ; but that matters little,
fur he is never allowed a moment for play.
He never has any clothes of his own.
His shoes are some his older brother out
grew, but which there is little danger of
his out-growing. His hat is one you wore
out first. He never has but a very' few
new things, and would not have these but
for his mother.
He is generally tough—you say on ac
count of your admirable training. The
world looks at him and says he is tough,
because Providence has seen fit to pre
pare him for your tyrannical rule.
Now, Mr Farmer does this mean you ?
Is this, or is it not, a fair picture of the
boy on your farm ? If not, then you can
finish this article without a troubled con
science; but if it is, just consider one mo
ment; run back in your mind thirty-five,
forty or fifty years, and ask yourself were
all those accusations just ? Was it my
fault always when I was blamed ? Think
a while- 7 it wont hurt you; then come
back from your reverie to the present mo
ment; ask yourself if you have been as
careful as you might in your judgment?
Have you done to the boy as yea would
be done by? Answer these questions,
friend, as you are a just man.
Consider that your boy is the embryo
man.' Do by him as you would have him
do when he grows up to manhood. If you
would have him generous, do not be small
and•stingy with him. If you would have
him one 'whose disposition is lovely, be not
chOrlish and sour to him, for he may in
many things—most assuredly in some
things—be the photograph .of yourself.
ing is a habit. Some people drink little
not because their constitutions require less
than others ;it is their habit. These peo
ple never perspire so much as those that
drink more. The more that is drunk,
the more water passes away, or the sys
tem would suffer. As it is, the strain af
fects it. The skin, the kidneys, bowels,
lungs, are all drawn upon. The result is,
as may be expected, exhaustion. For this
reason the man who drinks much water,
particularly during the summer and in
the hottest• weather, is less able to endure
fatigue. The water is of no benefit to him
—that is, the excess. It must pass away,
and this requires an effort of the system,
which is in the sweating process. It is a
bad habit to drink water so much ; a false
thirst is created. We should drink only
what is needed. The habit of drinking
more will soon be overcome, and the per
son will feel much stronger and more ca
pable of bearing fatigue. In winter, lit
tle fluid is needed beyond what our food
furnishes ; in summer, some more, but not
SoNETniNo •ro HoLn oN BY.—A wo
man who had been a prominent lecturer
on infidelity came to her dying pillow.—
Being much disturbed in her mind her
friends gathered about her and exhorted
her to "bold on to the last."
"Yes, I have no . objection ta holding
on," said the dying woman, "but will you
tell me what to hold ou by ?"
These words so deeply impressed an in
fidel standing by that he was led to re
nounce the delusion.
False doctrine may satisfy the heart
when in health and vigor, but it will do
"to hold on by" in the solemn hour of
A Maiden's speech—" Ask papa." . , •
A Mid-Air Compromise.
Not many_vears ago, and not far from
the city of Elmira, at a locality known
as the 'Female College," the circumstan
ces we are about to relate took place. It
seems that the principal of the college
overheard a plan among a number of his
young lady students for drawing a young
gentleman up to one of the third story
rooms, "in a basket, at night," as no gen
tlemen suitors were permitted to visit their
college lady loves, and see them alone,
under strict rules of the institution. The
principal acted accordingly, and at the
appointed time was on the designed spot,
and when the basket was let down took
the lovers place, gave the signal switch,
.and commenced going up toward heaven,
drawn by a trin ity of angels. When two.
thirds up, the angel expectant, on looking
down from the window, discovered to her
terror and dismay that instead of her lov
er she had another man in the basket, and
nearly frightened out of her wits, made
the facts known 'to her fair helpers in mis
chief, withthe pertinent inquiry of "What
.shall_we do ? what shall we do? Oh I girls,
girls, what shall we do ?"-Wh-e-renp-on-one
of their number, noted for her coolness
and presence of mind in trying emergen
cies, said :
-----`aeretyou,liold_enjo s this cord. Now,
do just as'l tell you, and I'll - take caleisl
the man, no matter who he is or where he
comes from."
Then taking out her pocket-knife and
opening it, she leaned out of the window
low-voice,-said Who are you
there in that basket ?"
No response.
"I say who are you, there in that bas
ket ?Do you hear ? . have a knife in ufy
hand, and unless you answer this in less
than ten seconds I will cut this rope."
"Why, it's your principal ; don't you
know me ?- Don't for mercy_sa t ke,_cut the
rope Keep your knife further away-from
it l"
"Well, you are in a pretty fix, indeed,
and hanging between heaven and earth,
between life and death. What do you
think ought to be done with you ? A prin
cipal of a female college, who thus endea
vors, at night, to clandestinely reach the
room of a lady student, ought to be se
verely punished and also exposed."
"Oh ! I beg of you not to harm me nor
expose me'; but let me down again care
fully, and don't let the rope slip I"
"Professor," said the shrewd beaty, 'on
one condition only will we comply with
you request."
"Name it! name it!"
"You must solemnly promise that none
of us who have been engaged in this little
romance shall be disciplined for it, and
that you will make no mention of it to a
living soul while we are inmates of the
college with the understanding that we
are to observe the solemn promise. What
say you ?
"I promise—solemnly promise."
"Very well. Hold up your right hand 1
You do solemnly swear that you will
faithfully keep and observe that promise,
so help you God 1"
"I do !"
"Enough, girls He has taken the oath!
Lower away."
The Professor was soon carefully and
safely landed on terra firma, greatly to
his relief and greatly to the joy,no doubt,
of the other party to the compromise,and
he lived up his oath. In after years, how
ever, when time had absoved him from it,
and the lover, whose basket he "monopo
lized" on that eventful night, had as the
. goes, married the girl who on that
occasion was so "far above him"—the Pro
fessor used. to tell the adventure to his par
ticular friends and laughed over it till
the tears ran down his cheeks, as the most
ludicrous scrape he ever got into in all
his college life, and as the only one he
was let out of under an oath administered.
PEARLS.—Charity is an eternal debt,
and without limit.
Have a calling in which it is worth
while to be busy.
Do not throw mud into a well from which
thou haat drawn water.
If you would have a faithful servant,
and one that you like, serve yourself.
Religion is a thousand voiced psalm
from the heart of man to his invisible Fa
All the little paths and isles toward the
light of the great love open into each oth
Wholesome sentiment is rain, which
makes the field of daily life fresh and o
Opinions grounded upon mere prejudice
are always sustained with the greatest vio
Genius has limits ; virtue has none, eve
ry one pure and good can become purer
and better still.
True courage is cool and calm. But
what is done in anger can never be placed
to the account of courage.
Life's firmest ground is insecure, its
strongest fortress powerless, against the
touch of the great destroyer.
If doing what is to be done be made
the first business, and success a secondary
consideration, is not this the way to exalt
virtue ?
The true character of a man is revealed
when his glass is before him, when his
purse is to be opened, and when he is in
ThO perfection of wisdom, and the end
of true philosophy, is to proportion our
wants to our possessions, and our ambition .
to our capacities.
Sleep soothes and arrests the fever-pulse
of the soul, and its grains are the quinine
for the cold fit of hate as well as the hot
fever of love.
There is nothing that needs to be said
in an unkindly manner.
Peace at Home.
It is just as possible to keep a calm
house as a clean house, an orderly house,
as a furnished house, if the heads set
themselves to do so. Where is the dif
ficulty of consulting each other's weak
ness, as well as other's wants—each oth
er's tempers, as each other's characters?--
Oh, it is by leaving tile place at home to
chance, instead of pursuing it by a sys
' tem, that so many homes are unhappy.—
It deserves notice, also; that almost any
one can be courteous and patient in a
neighbor's house. If anything goes wrong
or is out of time, or is disagreeable there,
it is made the best of, not the worst ; ev
, en efforts are made to excuse it, and to
' show it is not felt , or, if felt, it is attribu
ted to accident, not to design ; and this
is not only easy, but natural, n the house
of a friend. We will not, therefore, be
lieve that what is so natural in the house
of another is impossible at home, but
maintain, without fear, that all the cour
tesies of social life may be upheld in do
mestic societies. A. husband, as willing
to be pleased at home and as anxious to
_pleas_eos in his neighbor's house, and a
wife as intent on making things comfort:v. -
Ide every day to her family, as on set days
to her guests, could not fail to make their
own home happy.
---Letnanot_evade the point of these re
marks by recurring to the maxim about
allowances for temper. It is worse than
folly to refer to our temper, unless we
could prove that we have ever gained
anything good by giving way to it. Fits
of ill humor punish us quite as much - , if
not more, than those they are vented up
on •, and it actually requires more effort,
and inflicts more pain to give them up,
than would be requisite to avoid them.
The sweetest, most clinging affection is
often shaken by the slighest breath of
unkindness, as the delicate rings and ten
drils:of the :vine are agitated by the 'fair
est air -- that - blnoms - in summer. un
kind word from one beloved often draws
blood from many a heart which would
defy the battle-axe of hatred, or the keen
est edge of vindictive satire. Nay, the
shade, the gloom of the face familiar and
dear, awakens grief and pain. These, in
the elegant words of the preacher, Reed,
are the little thorns which, though men
of rougher form may make their way
through them without feeling much, ex
tremely incommode persons of a more re
fined turn in their journey tlirough life,
and make their traveling irksome un
How careful ought we to be not to
darken over and multilate the sweet im
ages of hope, and joy, and :peace, that
might gild the current of our on, and of
our companion's life, by suffering these
spots to mingle with them—these shadows
of upas leaves to be reflected in the stream!
Of all cruel words or deeds, the word or
the deed that would darken hope is the
most cruel. Upon old Latin models we
see Hope delineated in the act of drawing
back her garment, that her footsteps may
not be impeded ; and it is also worth re
marking that she is always drawn in the
attitude of motion—she is always advanc
ing. Sweet traveler,who would have the
heart to stop thee, albeit, in this world
thou wilt never find the garden to which
thou art journeying? Go on, with thy flow
er in hand, and may the blessing of God
go with thee. •
the following advice to young men in the
Altoona. Tribune: Young men get mar
ried ; you will never be worth a last years
robin's nest unless you do. The fruits of
disobedience are misery and misfortune,
and you will never be truly happy while
in disobedience to God's commandment to
our first parents in the Garden. Remem
ber that therf aro seventy five thousand
more marriageable ladies in the United
Statesitlian gentlemen, and three hundred
thousand more females than males. Im
agine yourself at the bar of judgment,
with seventy-five thousand spinsters with
toothlessjaws, and .tongues sharpened on
the grindstones of temper, and honed on
the strap of unrequited;ffection of your
accusers ; surely your chances for eternal
bliss would not be very flattering. -And
furthermore, remember that unperformed
duties always come home to roost, so you
will be likely to go through the -world
with holes in the end of your stockings,and
your elbows out, and finally die unre
gretted and be forgotten like any other
A MEDICAL MIBEIL—An anecdote is
related of Velpau, the eminent French
surgeon who was a miserly, disagreable
man, and died some few years ago. He
successfully performed on a little child five
years old, a most perilous operation. The
mother came to him and said : "Monsieur,
my son is saved, and I really know not
how to express my gratitude. Allow me,
however, to present you this pocket-book,
embroidered by my own hands." "Oh,
Madame," replied Velpau, sharply, "my
art is not merely a question of feeling.--
My life has its requirements like yours:—
Dress, even, which is a Luxury to you, is
necessary for me. Allow me, therefore,to
refuse your charming little present in ex
charge for a more substantial remunera
tion." "But, Monsieur, what remunera
tion do you desire ? Fix the fee yourself."
"Five thousand francs, Madame." The
lady very quietly opened the pocket-book,
which contained ten thousand francs in
notes, counted out five thousand, and af
ter politely handing them over to Velpau,
retired ! Imagine his feelings.
An exchange says that a friend, who
worketh like an adder, estimates that not
less than 8,000,025.009,000,072 flies will
lose their lives by falling into molasses
and things this summer.
Features' without grace are like a clock
without a face.,
Typhoid Fever.
"The time is coming," says a distin
guished physician, "when it will be as
disgraceful to have•the typhoid fever as
it is to have lice or the itch." Every-'
body ought to know that tke fearful sick
ness is directly caused by taking into the
body excrementitious matter. These al
most always declare their presence to the
olfactory nerve, and the instant they are
detected measures should be taken for
their suppression. Fresh earth is a com
plete disinfectant and in the country the
cheapest. Next to this is copperas water.
Let it be sprinkled about drains and sew
em, left standing in shallow earthen dishes t i
in sick rooms, and all unpleasant odors
will be quenched. Care should be taken
in using it not to touch any garment that
will receive stain. Lime and plaster of
Paris are excellent absorbents, and car-
belie acid and choloride of .lime will
sweeten the foulest gutter.
With all these resources at command
there is no excuse for vile odors.
Coffee is & deodorizer but not a disin
fectant. A handful,parched and ground,
when thrown on a hot shovel, will quick
1y remove disagreeable smells, but will
not neutralize theilpittib.
Great care should be used, especially
during this hot weather, as to the water
one drinks. A few years since a pie-nie
party found some very cool, clear and
fine-tasting water in an old well neartheir
lunch ground. Most. of them drank free
ly of this water. Every one of 'them was
prostrated by typhoid fever and only-two
skeleton of a lamb was found in the bot
tom of the well. All surface water should
be carefully abstained from and assurance
be made sure that no sewerage contamina
tes the cooling draught.
Sleeping-rooms should be aired daily,
bed and body linen changed frequently,-
and the sun permitted to search and
eleanse_thosa_apartments in dni4g use
No pits, or sink-holes, or open drains.
should be permitted around...our dwell
ings, for deadly are the_subtle_emanations
that rise from them.
Dutch Justice.
An enterprising butcher of Cattarau
gus county, New York, some time ago
bought of a German farmer a calf, with
the understanding to come for it on a cer
tain day. Being for some reason detain
ed he did not go forthe, calf at the stated
time. Meantime a liuteher from Olean
came along and bargained for the calf,
but could not take it just then. It hap
pened they both went for the calf on the
same day and both were determined to
have it. The little butcher of Alleghany
was not an equal for the big butcher from
Olean, and therefore didn't get the veal.
So he goes to sue "the Olefin feller or
somebody mit the laws by the Justice."—
A brother German hearing the difficulty
takes it upon himself to arrange things a
micably—they agreeing to leave it to
Now, shake, you says you buys him
You gets him not?
Rudolph, you buys him second ?
Yaw, I buys him all the time.
Well, then, you gets him?
Of course, he bees mine all the vile. I
kills him ant, sells him in mine shop.
So you gets more von you sells him as
yen you buys him ?
Of course—yaw. I makes no monish
less I do not.
Ifow much you make on dis calf ?
0, from two ash three dollars,
Well, then you shunt pay dis man for
his calf. Den you shunt give Shake one
half what you make on dis veal. Dats
what I say.
So that law suit wcs tried' without
swearing a witness, and equal justice ren
We, believe hams not been definitely
determined "where the pins all go to,"
but a question quite as interesting is loom
ing upon the social horizon, and that is,
"Where do the flies all come from ?"
There are experts who catch the persis
tent nuisances in scores by a dexterous
turn of the wrist ; small boys impale them
upon pins ; vigorous women slash them
mercilessly with dusters ; thousands lose
their lives in milk pitchers, molasses jugs
and apple pies ; while tens of thousands
are deluded to their death by besmeared
paper, tumblers, of water covered with a
piece of bread with a treacherous hole
therein, and a hundred other fatal devi
ces of men and women, and yet the force
seemes undiminished. Who shall tell
whence they come ?
Wit loses its respect with the good
when seen in company with malice; and
to smile at the jest which plants a thorn
in another's breast, is to become a princi
pal in the mischief.
Adversity exasperates fools, dejects cow
ards, draws out faoulties of the wise and
and industrious, puts the modest to the
necessity of trying their skill, awes the
opulent, and makes the idle industrious,
Ho who does evil that good may come,
pays a toll to the devil to let him into
In the march of life don't heed the or
der of "right about," when you know you
are about right.
If brooks are as poets call them the
most joyous things in nature what are
they always !immuring about ? •
Old truths are always new to us, if they
come with the siuell of heaven upon them.
How many an enamored pair bavc count
ed in metry und lived in r prose. • -
$2,60 PER 'YEAR
- Arai i t aup Xitmer.
What stands and goes without legs ?
A clock..
When is a lover like a tailor? When
he presses his suit.
When did the greatest rise in milk take
place ? When the cow jumped over the
then is a. young lady like a wagon
wheel ? When She is tired (which don't
ofted occur from work.)
Pat wants to know why his pipe is like
the figure 19. Because it comes just af
ter atein.
Why is a man who walks round a
green horn, like - a garter? Because he
goes around the calf.
What is that which never asks an •
questions, but requires many answers? 7
The street door.
A California lady was made insane by
tigff:lacing, and several California—gen
tlemen have been made crazy by being
otherwise tight.
The colored people of the South believe
in Ilifitifm — .Dtiltig — t - Weerentroniei — in—
Memphis the other day one old lady, af
ter she got out, exclaimed, in eastacy :
Bross-de-Lord,-this is five_times I'se been_
baptised, bress de Lord l'
Lake Choggoggaggoggmanehoggaggo
gg, Michigan, is a' good place to go for i
the summer. The place s particularly
recomended for people afflicted with stam
mering ; by the time they can tell where
They-are; they-re-wholly-cured.
Two-sons_of Erin — weretaxidhw - by=a - - - =
hydraulic press superintended by a friend
of mine, when one called out to the other:
"Jim I'd life to put you under and squaze
tie snn ou o ye." Would you,iiaLde,
my boy? was the answer. iSquaze the divil
out o' you, an' there'd be nothing lift !"
At the opening of a breach of promise
case in Kentucky, the court - asked the
counsel for the plaintiff how long the tri
al 'Would probably last. "I can't say ex
actly," replied the counsel, "but will
mention as one item that I have three
hundred and eighty-four love letters writ
ten by the defendant to my client, to
read." •
A German thus bewails the loss of a,
favorite horse : "Von night, de oder day,
when I was been awake in my sleep, I
hear something vat I thinks not yust right
in my barn, and I gust out shumps to bed
and runs mid de barn out; and ven I vas
dare coom, I seen that my pig gray iron
mare, he var be tied loose and run mit de
stable off; and ever who will him back
bring, I yust so much pay him as vat
been ku,stomary."
' The healthiest town ever known was in
Illinoise last summer, when the doctors
went east to attend a medical convention,
neglecting to return for several months.
The doctors found that when they did get
back their patients bad all recovered, the
drug stores had bursted, the nurses had
opened dancing schools, the cemetery was
cut into building lots, the undertaker had
gone to making fiddles, and the village
hearse had been gaudily painted and sold
for a circus wagon.
Bridget came up to her mistress, and
asked for a needle and thread.
"Do you want it fine or Coarse ?" asked
the lady.
"Sure, an' I don't know, mum," said
Bridget. •
"What do you want it for ?" said her
mistress. "If you tell me that, I.mays;;:
know what to give you." :
"Well mum, the cook has jist towld . r
to string the beans, an' sure an' I want a
neydle an' thrid for that."
. LYING AND SwnArtrzro.—Old Parson
S., of Connecticut, was a particular kind
of a person. One day he bad a man
ploughing in his field, and he went out
to see haw the work was going on. The
ground was very stony, and every time
the plough struck a stone the man took
occasion to swear a little. •
'`Look here," cried •Parson S., "you.
musn't swear that way in my field."
"Well, I reckon you'd swear too," said
the man, "if you had to plough such a.
stony field as this."
"Not a bit of it," said Mr. S. "Just let
me show you."
So the parson took hold of the plough,
but he very soon had great_ trouble with
the stones. As stone after stone caught
theploughshare, Mr. S. ejaculated
"Well, I never saw the like."
And this he repeated every time a stone
stopped his onward way. When ho had
ploughed around once he stopped and said
to the man :
"There, now ! You see I can plough
without swearing."
"But I guess it's nretty near as bad to
lie," said the man, "and you told a dozen
o' lies. Every time the plough struck 11.
stone, you said, "I never saw the like,"
when the same thing had happened the'
very minute before." _
The laziest man lives in Alabama.—
Armed with a fish-line, a dog and a pieco
of meat, he proceeds to business. Ho tips
the line to the hind leg of the dog, casts
the lino into the water, lies down in this
shade, and, when the line trembles. by
means of the meat he eons the dog to haul
out the fish.
White blackberries are awaounced
Forsythe, Georgia. -