The Waynesboro' village record. (Waynesboro', Pa.) 1871-1900, February 15, 1872, Image 1

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czett pottrg.
There comes a time when we grow old,
And like a sunset down the sea,
Slope gradual, and the night wind cold
Comes whispering sad and chillingly ;
And locks are gray
As winter's day,
And eyes of saddest blue behold
The leaves all weary drift away,
And lips of faded coral say,—
"There comes a time when we grow 01d..'
There comes a time when joyous hearts,
Which leap as leaps the laughing main,
Are dead to all save memory,
As prisoner in his dungeon chain ;
Ilath passed away,
The moon hath into darkness rolled.
,And by the embers wan and gray, •
I hear a voice in whisper say,—
• "Tkvire comes a time when we grow old."
There comes a time when manhood's prime
Is shrouded in the midst of years;
And beauty fading like a dream,
Hath passed away in silent tears;
n. en, c — r — L • •
But. oh, the spark
Tiard,i;indled - youth to - tines
Still - horns. With clear and steady ray__
And food affections, lingering say,—
"There cooles a quie.ylien we grow old."
There comes a time when laughing. spring
And golden summer ceases to be;
And we puton the autumn robe:
To tread the last declivity ;
But now the slope
With rosy hope,
Beyond the sunset we behold,
Another dawn with fairer light-;
While theyivhisperthrough the night,
"There's alime when we.grow old."
Alisttllnurous airatling.
In the year 1851 there were Along the
early American settlers of 'California two
brothers named Thompson, who having
come thither from an Eastern State at
the begining of the gold excitement, three
years before, and laboring conjointly for
'the more generous fitvors of fortune, with
out comMensurate results, decided at last
to separate for a time—the one to go to
the mines and work fir the fraternal part
nership—while•the other remained in the
city and improved such chanc.a as ordi
nary business should offer. By such an
arrangement two promising fields would
be worked at once, and its wisdom was
qually obyious to both young men ; but
when it came to the question of Which.
should assume the harnsbips and perils of
a miner's life, neither exhibited any alac
rity to name himself for the adventure.
To decide this delicate point they drew
lots, by which formula of late the elder
Thompson was doomed to become. the nii
ni;r, and accordingly procured an out-fit
and prepared to have the city. Before
takiflg the latter step, however, the miner
elect chose to bring a little romance of his
California life to a climax by wedding to
a young Eastern norain, who, like him:
selt, had lest horn.: to woo fortune on the
Pacific coast, and, although he could not,
take ner with him into the wild, conithrt,
less life of the mines, the satisfaction of
feeling that he had at least secured her for
himself, and had a beloved brother in
whose cure to leave her, gave'him more
courage and inspiration for his departure
than might have been possible to him as
a bachelor. Wedded he was, then, and
after a honeymoon of heroic brevity he
consigned his bride to the protection of
his brother, and bravely marched away
with pick and shovel to the gold fields of
the North. Eager as h* naturally was to
dig his prize from the earth and hasten
back to the greater prize left behind, he
was yet firmly resolved to deny himself'
wife, brother and home until he could in
deed be the bearer of some share of wealth.
So when the first essay in the mines did
not wholly prove satisfactory, he went
sturdily onward into the Indian country,
and, amongst the red men, added trap-.
ping and hunting to his mining pursuits ;
- Thence moving still further northward, he
reached Fraser river, wheal the excitement
about the auriferous yields of that locali,
ty was at its height, and therefore suc
ceeded in digging no less than two hun
dred ounces of the precious dust, which he
at once sent to his wife and brother in San
From them lie had thus far heard no
thing ou his travels, for it had been a
greed that they should not write until he
should be in, some place reached by regu
lar mails ; but now he was impatient and
to learn how they regarded his present,
and fel tome they would devise some means
of forwarding their written congratula
ins. The feeling was in vain, however.
e letter came, and after months of wait
ing, the indignant Thompson wrote to a
friend iu San Francisco with inquiries res
pectuig the silent ones. The answer came
that they had recently disappeared from the
city together ; having apparently in their
possession a'consideable sum of money ob
tained, no one knew . exactly how. The
miner, of course; knew whence the money
came, but ouch intelligence of its seeming
effects upon those whom he had held dea
rest in the world, appealed to his appre
hensions in a most sinister'sense. He be
lieved that he was doubly' betia,Yed ; that
his wife and his brother had basely and
heartlessly practised the blackest treachery
against hurt, finally using the gold lie had
,3ent to ho!r: thcm 1.- . 5. - ;;;; 41 1114
-.Heartrending and deverate, the poor tm.
low thought not of any good foitutte for
himself, but cared only for such wander
ing, wild adventure and savagery as should
divert him from all retrospective and ten
der thoughts.
He joined an expedition to the' teat
Salt, Lake, as it is called, and remained in
the wilderness, boyond the reach of mail
or messenger, for several years. Return
ing finally to Victoria, or Fraser river, he
--- wort-vvittranother—expedition—to_ldaho,
and there, and In Montana, he was lost
until as late as 1866. From the latter
year until 1868 he was a resident Of Salt
Lake City, going from thence to the fa
mous White Pine mines of Nevada,about
eighteen - months - ago. Fortune-smiled-not
upon his te_erally listless efforts, he had
a lifa of comfortable vagabondage, and
the twenty years cf his absence from San
Francisco wrought such lines in his hair
as forky vu.:s euuld aet
some . weeks since, the hopeless and em
bittered man visited the mining town of
Eurake, Nevada, for the purpose of join
ing a company fitting out for a trip to
Arazona, and there, says the Eureka Sen
tinel, telling his story, he was fated to be
delivered at last from the delusion of twen
ty miserable years. In the expeditiou pre
paring for Arazona 'was anther man na
med Thompson, who, though neither re-
cognized or recognizing, at ,rs , prove ,
to be no otter than our miner's recent bro
ther.-- - When the poor vagabond was in
-formed of this, despite-his-wrongs, he fell-'
upon his brother'aneck and cried like a
-child f and not only—did-that—brother—re--'
ceive and return the caress without shame,
but he took the earliest opportaaityTht
prove the other for leaving his wife and
brother to suppose, fur nearly a score of
years, that he was dead.
" The gold had been received, but with
out address, or a line to tell whether it
came as a living pan's gift cr a dead lega
cy. No letter from the miner had ever
reached_wife_or brother, though they had
sent many a ore to him. The. wife had
_last felt obliged to conclude that her hus-
band was, dead ; the gol
been his dying gift, and with the money
she bought a valuable farm near San Jose,
where, wearing the weeds of widowhood,
she still lives. As fbr the brother, hespent
portions of the last fifteen years in pursuit
of some trace of the miner, hoping at last
to find his grave and sanctify it with the
fraternal tear ; but now that he actually
saw the living man before him, nothing
was left for them but a rushing journey
to a certain valley farm near San Jose,
where the best, truest and staunchest would
at once l eJome the most surprised and hap
pieSt little woman in the world! "Ere
this," continues the story, "there has been
a meeting." The decline of life will pass
in ease, Comfort and happiness for a man
who has twenty years believed himself the
victim of woman's -pertidity,
Popular Fallacies.
That warm air must be im mire, and
that, consequently, it is hurtful to sleep
in a comparatively warm room. A varm
room is as easily ventilated as a cool one.
The warm air of a close veaicle is Lss in
jurious, be it ever so foul, from crowding,
than to ride and sit still and fuel uncom
fortably cold for an hour. The Worst that
can happen from a crowded conveyance
is a fainting spell; while sitting even less
than an hour in a still, chilly atmosphere,
has induced attacks of pamemonia, that is,
inflammation cf the lungs, which often
proves fatal in three or four days. It
always positively injurious to sleep in a
close room where water freezes, becanse
such a degree of cold causes the negative.
ly poisonous carbonic acid gess of a sleep
ing room to settle near the floor, where it
is breathed and rebreathed by the sleeper,
and is capable of producing typhoid fevr
in a few hours. Hence there is no adva
tage, and always danger,especially to wea.
ly persons, in atmosphere colder than '
freezing point.
That it is necessary to the proper a.
efficient ventilation of a room, even
warm weather, a window or door should
left open. T4is is always hazardous
the sick and cppvalescent. Quite as
a plan of ventilation, and as efficient,
to keep a lamp or small fire burning
the fire-plaCe, this creates a drift and. ,
rice bad air - and gasses up the chimael
That outdoor exercises befOre breaki,
are healthful.
.It is never so. And, frt
the very nature of things, is hurtful,
pecially to persons of poor health, aith
the very vigorous practice it with imr
nity. In winter the body is easily chi]
through and through, unless the stoma,
has been fortified with a good warm bra
fast ; and in warm weather miasmatic
malarious gasses and eminations speed
act upon the empty and weak stomach
a way to speedily vitiate the circulati
and induce fever and ague, diarrhea,
dysentery ; entire fan4lies, who' have
ranged to eat breakfast before leaving
house, and to takesupper before &midi
have had complete exemption from
and ague, While the community aroi
them was sutibring from is, from ha ,
neglected these precautions.
That whatever lessens a cough it "
for it, and, if persevered in, will cup
On the contrary, all coughs aro
cured by promoting and incrasing tl
because nature endeavors to bring up
phlegm and yellow matter which is in
lungs, and the lungs cannot heal while
the matter is there. And as it cannot be
got rid of whatever coughing, the more
coughing there is the sooner it is got rid
of—the sooner are the lungs cleared out
for the fuller and freer reception of pure
air, which is their natural food. The on
ly remedies which can do any good
coughs arc such as loosen the phlegm,emd
thus less cough is required to bring it tip.
Those remedies are warmth, outdoor pa
urciscs, and auyEllitig which slightly nau
seatcs.—HatrB Tuurncil of H. 7 a1.61,-
How to be Millionaires.
As there is no royal road of learning,
so also is there no short-cut to exception
al influence. It is posible, according to
= tatistics,-for-only-one-thousand—men—i t
the United States to grasp $1,000,000 a
tear. Or, rather, such a grasp is impos
sible, for it would be a grasp ,of all the
yearly products of the Union, which no
conceivable thousand men could make
successfully. A-writer—in-2-the—Galaxy,-
hciwever, enumerates a few of the condi
tions, positive and negative, which may
be regarded as indispensible to the aver
age achievement of a millionaire's pos.:-
You must be-a-veiy-able-manTas-near
ly all millionaires are.
You must devote your life to the get
ting and keeping of other .men's earn
and you must rise early and lie down
You must care little or nothing about
other men's wants or sufferings, or dis
You must not mind it, that your great
wealth involves many other's property.
You must not give away money ex
cept for a material equivalent.
vo meanderin
titre, nor spend your time enjoying air.
earth, sky and water ; for thero is no
money in it.
You - must not =direct your thoughts
from the great purpose of your life, wilt
the efi - arms — lns of art and litersitiire.
ouniust not let_philosophy or reli
gion engross you during the secular time.
You must not allow your wife and
children to occupy much of your valuable
time and thoughts.
You must never permitthe fascination
of friendship to inveigle you into making
loans, however. EM all.
You must abandon all other ambitions
or purposes, and finally :
You must be prepared_to sacrifice ease,
and_all_fanciful notions you mazyhave a-
out tas es and - htxuriem - anii — enjoyments T
during most, if not all of your natural
You must keep all you have got, get
:all you can, be mean and stingy, oppress
the poor, be a hog, and you can be rich.
A young lady of Massachusetts who
was an ardent admirer of Wendrell Phil
ips, and a firm advocate of prohibit°. ,
when riding from her father's country seat
to a neighboring village; met a .young
man on foot who was carrying a suspicious
looking jug. She at once reined in her
horse, and asked him what be had in his
Looking up with - a comical leer, he
simply winked one eye and smacked his
lips, to indicate that it contained some
thing good.
The young lady supposirg he meant al
c)hol immediately began to talk temper
ance, but her auditor requested the priv
ilege of first asking her just one questinn,
"What is it? she inquired.
"It is this," he replied, "Why is my
gig like your side-saddle ?"
She could not tell. .
"It's because it holds a gal-on," said
"What trifling!" exclaimed the indio•-
n Int young lady, and then continua;
"Young man do you not per.—
"Just one more question," interrupted
her auditor, "and then I'm done. Why
is my jug also like the assembly room of
a female seminary at roll-call ?"
"I'm sure I don't know," petulantly re
plied the young lady.
"Well it's Lei
motive. .'hey who feel what Jesus has
done for them are the best helpers. He
went about doing good. He died to_save
sinuere. May you be led by the holy spir
it to be a helper for Lis sake?— Young
It is given to some women to see a
point clearly and state it comprehensive
ly—for instance, An lowa woman con
cludes a sensible
. article against woman
suffrage thus pointedly: "Yon may look
at this matter in whatever light you will,
but simmer it down, and it is but a quar
rel with the Almighty that we aro not all
An honest death is bettet than a dis
honest life.
Total Abstinence.
full o' lasses,"
Youth, that persuest with such eager pace
y even way,
Then pantest on to win a mournful race;
Then stay ! oh stay !
Pause and luxuriate on thy sunny plain ;
Loiter,—enjoy ;
Once past, thou never wilt come back again
A decond boy, . _
The hills of manhood wear a noble face
When seen from far ;
The light from which . they take their grace
Hides what the arc. •
Dark and weary path those cliffs between
Thou canst not know; .
And how it leads to regions never green,
Dead fields of snow.
Which, all too fast,
Will drive thee forth from this delicious plain
A m aan at last.
Wisdom and Truth.
The ficklencs of fortune is felt all over
the world.
Our own heprt, and not other men's o
pinions, forms our true honor,
Life: • .
either looking backward or forward.
about na-
Purity is the feminine, truth the mas
culine of honor.
We may look coldly upon the sweetest
and most gentle dew of love till it becomes
snow or frost.
Much-of-the-unhappiness in the world
kind words. •
Simplicity is the great friend of nature;
and if we might be proud of anything in
this world, it should be of this happy alli
ance. -
At twenty-five we kill pleasure, at thir
ty we • enjoy it, at forty we husband it, at
fifty we hunt after it, at sixty we. regret
Politeness is the outward garmeat—of
goo -will; but many are the nutshells in
which, if you crack them, nothing like a
kernel is to be found.
A wedded couple should always study
each other's disposition, and mutually
make all the allowance possible fbr the
weak points in their respective charac
Hfxrs HEALTH.—The emotion of
the mind has a powerful influence on the
stomach." Let a person wLo is about to
sit down to dinner with a good appetite
receive a piece of news, either exceeding
ly joyful or exceedingly distressing—his
appetite is gone„ in a moment. Children
who are about to set out on a pleasant
journey, it is well-known, cannot eat.—
This, when I was a boy, was called going
"journey-proud." On the other hand, a
blow on the stomach will sometimes take
away life instantly; a drink of cold wa
ter, when the body has been very hot, has
often had the same effect. Attend to
your companions when on a journy-afoot
as their stomachs grow empty, how sullen
and silent the whole become I Let a crust
of bread, a little cheese, a glass' of ale or
wino be taken, cheerfulness immediately
reigns, even long before any nutriment
has had time to reach the general circula
tion. These things also show the gener
al sympathy between the stomach and ev
ery other part of - the body.—Journal of
the Farm.
DREARY HeatEs.—Of all the dreary
places deliver us from the dreary farm
houses which so many people call home.
Bars for a front gate ; chickens wallow
ing before the door; pig pens elbowing
the house in the rear; scraggy trees nev
er cared for, or no trees at all ; no flow
ering shrubs; no neatness ; •no trimness.
And yet a lawn, and trees, and a neat
walk, and a pleasant porch, and a plain
fence around, all do not cost a great deal.
They can be secured little by little, at
odd times, and the expense hardly be felt.
And if ever the time comes when it is
best to sell the farm, fifty dollars so in
vested will often bring back five hundred.
For a man is a brute who will not insen
sibly yield f 6 a higher prke for such a
farm when he thinks of the pleasant sur
rountlings it offers his wife and children.
FAST MEN.—The vicious die early.—
ley fall like shadows, and tumble like
creeks and ruins in the grave---often
vhile quite young, generally this side of
Orty. The "wicked shall not live out
2alf their days." The world at once sti
les the truth, and simply calls them
'fast men"—that is, they live fast, get
ing through twelve hours in six. "Their
sun goes down while it is yet day." They
night have helped this. Many a man
iumanly speaking, dies long before his
Burns, Byron, Edgar- Poe; - and
Aber obscure and tameless "wandering
Aare," died on the very threshold of life.—
"Such men must die early. They put on
steam till they blow up the boiler. They
na at each rate that the .fire goes out for
:ant of fuel. The machinery is destroy
'by reckless and rapikt wear. Nothiug
a save them but total change of heart
td life.
The Mormons, not content with their
substantial miracle in making the desert
blossom like the rose, have performed an
another published in the Deseret News,the
church organ. The scene of the new
miracle is laid in the Sandwich Islands,
and distance has probahlygiven it all its
enchantment. But according to the News,
a man who for syears has a palsied
cripple has been fully restored to health
by the simple command of a Mormon
Bishop, i!Arise and walk." • The result of
the phenomenon has been a great increase
in the number of native converts, who
are deliehted with a religion which sanc
tifies the ancient polygamous customs"of
their grandfathers.
A Dutchman's Joke.
We had a German American fellow
citizen, by the name of General Which
—and a good soldier, too by the way. It
-was-about-the-time-of--the battle of Stone
River, when one day Captain Allen, of
General W.'s staff came riding up to his
head quarters, and the following conver
sation ensued : "Veil Capitain," said the
General, in a jolly mood, "vot is dernews
mit der fronts ?" "0, not much of any
news, General ; only a little sheaing go
ing on." The General jumped on his feet,
all excitement, and staff 4ficers and or
derlies gathered around - to hear the news,
while General-Willich exclained - F"
ling! shelling! vot shelling? Vot ish der
damage?" "0, not much damage, Gener
al; it was only the boy's "shelling" a lit
tle corn for their horsm" To say that
this called out a lau drirn"-
n -- 1 -- Mttav — ,hte the house down
had there been any house there to bring
down. The General laughed as heartily
as the rest, exclaiming, "Dot ish coot, dot
is some funs !"
A little while after; General Harker,
upon whose staff theu had the honor to
be serving, rode over to Willich's head
quarters, and - General - W;no - doubtthink=
ing it a good opportunity to air his joke,
replied, in answer to General Harker's
question. 'e , ' wiat . t e
news ? " "0, Sheneral, dare bees not
,much news—only der boys bees scheeling
a leedle corn for der horses." He looked
at us as. much as to say, "now is the time
- for - the laugh to come in," and •himself
'broke into a boisterous "Ha'! ha !" which
_caine_to_a_v_ery_suddea_termination then
he saw that we did not join him. The
'officers who had been present at the for
mer scene had by this time put in an ap
pearence, by the General's morriment,and
scraching his head in much perplexity, he
exclaimed : "By dunder ! dare vas some
dings funny apout dat ven I hears bin",
put I dont not See were der laugh comes
in alrett aint it ?" About that time he
FUNNY BURGIARY.-A few months
ago, two sisters living in Cincinnati retir
ed to the sleeping room, which they occu
pied jointly, and prepared for bed. Be
fore retiring, one of them carefully coun
ted out some money which she had in her
pocket, amounting to forty-eight dollars,
and put it away careful y iu a muff, the
two discoursing merrily meanwhile con
cerning burglars and the probabilities of
the money being discovered there, if one
should gain an entrace. They then went
to bed, and, after chatting a while in fem
inine fashion to sleep. Presently they
were awakened by a slight noise. After
lukening intently for some moments and
hearing nothing more, their talk again fell
upon burglars and other mysterious visi
tants, and one of them exclaimed, "I see
a spirit now." What was the terror of
both to hear follow tke exclamation, the
hoarse laugh of man within the very room.
- It seems that the rascal had been secre
ted under the bed, had heard all their con
versation, and had witnessed (with much
secret satisfaction, no doubt,) the conceal
ment of the money in the muff. As soon
as the ladies were asleep he crept out,and
secured the money,a set of sable furs worth
about $75, and a small lot ofjewelrv,and
was in the act of leaving when the iadies
awoke. He succeeded in keeping quiet
until he heard that unlucky exclamation;
but the idea of being mistaken for a spi
rit was too funny for him, and he laughed
out right. He succeeded, however, in es
caping with his booty.
It became necessary last week in the
Criminal Court at Newport, Ky., in or'
der to render a boy witness competent,
to prove that he had reached the age of
ten years, and his mother, an Irish -wo
man, was called for that purpose.
"How old is your son John ?" quoth
the lawyer.
"Indade, sir, I dinno, but I think- he's
not tin yit," was the reply. .
`Did you make no record of his birth ?"
"The praist did, in -the ould country,
where he was born." •
”How long after your marriage was
that ?"
"About a year ; may be lise."
`•When were you married?'
Dade, sir, I durum."
"Did you not bring a certificate of
your 'marriage with you from the old
country ?"
"Hey, sir ? and what should I nade
wid a certificate whin I had the ould
man himself along wid me?"
Nor further questions were asked.
TEE QUAKER A.143i - ±137; BULLY.-A
genuine bully called upon a "Friend" a;•
vowedly to thrash him. • ' -
"Friend," remonstrated- the Quaker,
knocking aside his visitor's fists, "before
thou :proceedest to chastise me, wilt
take some dinner?"
The bully was a glutton, end, at once
consented, washing down the .solids with
libations of Strong. 'ale. ire rose 'up 'a
gain to fulfil his original errand:
:Priend," said the Quaker, "wilt thon
not first take some. _punch?" And he
supplied abundance of punch...
The bully, now 4stagering, attempted to
thrash his entertainer; but, quoth the
Quaker :
not' take "Friend," wilt thou not . take a pipe ?"
The hospitable offer was accepted and
the bully, utterly weak, staogered across
the room to chastise the , Quaker. The
latter openingthe door, and pulling bim
toward It, thus addressed him :
"Friend. thou ceinerit here not to be
pacified ; I gave _thee a. meat caring,
but that did not sewage thy rage; I gave
thee a drink offering, still thou ivert be
side thyself. I gave thou a burnt offer -
fug." And with that him cut
of door. That sufficed him.
The Boy the Fathet of the Man.
Solomon said, many centuries ago, "Ev
en a child is known by his doings, wheth=
er his work be pure and whether it be
right." ,
Some people seem to think that chil
dren have no character at all. On the
contrary, an observing eye sees in these
young creatures the signs of what they.
are likely to be for life.
When I see a boy in haste to spend ev
a•sign that he will be a spend-thrift.
When I see a boy boarding tip his n-
nies - and - irawilhug to part with them for
any good purpose, I think it a sign that
ne will be a miser.
When I see a boy or girl always look
ing out for him or herself, and disliking
it a sign that the child will grow up a
selfish person.
When I see boys and girls quarreling,
I think it a sign that they will be violent
men and women.
When I see a little boy willing to taste
strong drink, I think it a sign that be will
be a drunkard.
When-I see-a boy- who -never _attends
to the services of religion, I think it a
sign that he will be a profane and profli
.-- f - n :
When I see a child obedient to his pa
rents, I think it a sign of great future
blessings from his Heavenly Parent.
And though great changes sometimes
take place in the character, yet; as a gen
eral rule, these signs do not fail.
A Disous .1) C •.—A fe
since there were several persons in a house
where there was a young child some two
or three days old—among them a black
ener] boy of four summers. When the
grandmother soon after came in with the
haw in her arms, he was_much_pleased
wit]; it, kissed it,and evinced every symp
tom of delight ; asked his aunt where
• .
Dr. Adams ; then asked how much she
gave for it. She told him ten dollars.—
He then stood by her lap, on which the
child was sleeping, his eves beaming with
intense satisfaction. The babe soon a
woke and squalled vociferously. Instant
ly his countenance • fell, and with utter
disgust pictured on his beautiful face, he
turned arotpid and said—
" Auntie, if I was you, I'd take it back
to Dr. Adams and get my ten dollars
back again !"
Wong Hang Soon, one of the most
prominent Chinamen in San Francisco,
died lately, aged sixty-two. His funeral
was conducted according, to the ceremonial
of his own country, and was the most re
markable demonstration of the sort ever
seen in America. About twenty China
men, dressed in long white robes, attend
ed the hearse, and among these were two
or three hired mourners, sustained by men
walking on either side. The mourners
curried Joss sticks and bent themselves
toward the ground, appearing not to walk
but to be dragged along by the attendants.
There were fift3teight hacks and other
carriages in line, four bands of music, and
four or five express wagons loaded with
propitiatory roast pigs, chickens, and all
sorts complicated and uncertain edibles.
DRUGGED Liouou:----A great deal is
said about drugging liquor. If a !man
drinks intoxicating drinks and gets drunk,
he is very apt to apologize for it by say
ing the liquor was drugged. But this is on
ly a trick of the trade to avoid censure.—
Drugged liquor is little or no worse than
thatwhich is not drugged. Tb ey both be-.
long to a class that have bad effects oat he
body and Iravezio-business in it. Drun
kards who - screen themselves from censure
behind drugged liquor are either very cow
ardly or very ignorant.
Never ask a question in a hurry. "Tom
a word with you." ".Be quick, then,. I
am in a hurry." "What did you give
your sick horse lother day ?" "A pint
of turpentine." John hurries. home and
administers the same dose 'to a favorite
charger, which, strange to say, drops 'of
defunct in half an hour,_ : His opinion of
Tom's veterinary ability is somewhat stag
gered. "I give thy a pint of tur
pentine, and it killed him dead as Julius
Omar." "So it did mine."
A teacher . in one of the schools .in Bel
mont had up - a class of four and five year
olds, and was trying to teach them the
names of the days of the week. After
practising them awile,
she asked a five
year old girl. "What day is this ?""Wash
ing day," was the quick reply.
Don't cram the child at school.; it is
bad for the brain; nor at the table—it is
sorrow for the stomach; both bring doc
"Here lies a man who never had an
enemy," Then here lies a man who nev
er had an idea.— Wendell Phillips: '
If good people would make goodness
agreeable, and smile instead of frowning
in their virtue, bow many would be won
to the good cause.
One brand of Cincinnati whisky is
warranted to contaiL 437 fights to .the
A marinFho gives his children habits of
industry•, provides for them better than
giving their a fortune. , - •
Too many persons are far less asham
ed of having,. done 'wrong than of being
found out. . Are you one of them ?
A cheerful face .nearly -as good for
an invalid as healthy vea.ther.
.• • •
He that speaks ii oftiner men. burns
hl3 own tongue.
82,00 PER YEAR
Mit and (gumor.
The ship that eveybody
A Troy girl says she had rather have
her corsets tight than her fellow.
Cla pot of paint each hand, aria
you will in
command respect and plenty of
room in a crowd,
A miners lamntatione•-- "Vein, Vein,
give orer,"
The man who couldn't find Ms match
went to bed in the dark,
Why is a young girl like a music book
When ii it . right to take any one in ?
When it rains,
Somebody asked why B stood before C.
"Because," said his friend "a man must
B before he can C."
An Irishman, dscriling• the Growth
of potatoes in-his-native island said as a
clincher. "An sure a buhel of them
would fill a barrel."
"Will you have the kindness to hand
me the butter before you ?" said the gen
tleman politily to an ancient maid ? "I
am no waiter, sir." "Is that so. .1 thought
from your appearance, you had been wait
ing a long time."
Th — e - TollOwing speec was made sy tle
winner of a prize in afoot race: "Gentle
men, I have won this cup by the use of
my legs ; I trust• I may never lose the
use of my legs by the use of this cup."
Two drunken chaps going home togeth
er one night, tumble against a pump;
_one_ofthem-took-hold-ofthe han • ./.1.1.
swayed up and down unconsciously caus
ed a copious flow of water from the noz
zle of the pump. The other not recogniz
ing the cause but hearing the noise, en
couraged him—" Hie, that's right, ole fel
ler, throw it all up, 'n you'll feel better?'
The Pennsylvania Legislature is now
engaged in cyphering out the answer to
the following: If a Milkmaid, four feet
ten inches in height; while sitting on a
three legged-stool, took four pints of milk
from fifteen cows, what was the size of
the field in which the animals grazed,
what was the girl's age.
"Maria," said a lady to a colored cham
ber-maid, "that's the third silk dress you
have worn since yon came to me; pray
how many do you own ?" "Only seven,
misses, but I's'savin' my wages to buy aa
oder." "Seven ! what use are seven silk
dresses to you ? Why, I don't own
so many as that." S'pect not, misses,"
soid the smiling darkey ; "you &isn't need
'em so much as I does. You see;quality
folks everybody knows- is quality;- but
we bettermOst kind of called nnssons
to dress smart to distinguish ourselves
from common niggers."
A Correspondent at 'Vienna writes : I
always calculate the number of strangers
y the number of brides which crags ones
path. Your female readers will ask how
I know a bride when ,I see one. But I re
ply; my dear ladies, I can tell,. in an in
stant—,and so to say, with half an eye=
any traueling "young married woman."
I have na need to look at t . he_, luggan,
which is new ; nor at the husband, who
looks as if he is not• quite sure
,that ho
has not been hasty ; nor, even- at the
dress. No ; a bride _walks. into, a room
as a thing apart.; Brides aTe divided. into
two classes—the serious and the .smiling,
The first enters with a• queenly step: and
seems to say, "Do not look at 'me. Donit
you see I'm married, and that those; days
are ever ?" •
The other comes up smiling, as much as
to say, "I've -landed him. Is it not good
Old farmer Gruff was one morning tug
ging away with all his might and maid
at a barrel of apples which he was endeay.
oring to get up the cellar stairs, and call•
ing at the top of his.voice.for one of the
boys to lend a helping hand, but in vain',
When he had after an infinite amount. of
sweating and snuffing, accomplished-his
task, and just when they were not needed
of course, the "boys". made their-appear
'Where, have you been, and what have
you been about. I'd like to knqw, . that
you could not hear me call r . inquired
the farmer, in an angry tone, addressing
the eldest. -
"Out in the shop settle the saw," -re
plied the youth. 1
"And you Dick ?" . • •
"Out in the barn settin' the li en."-
"And you sir ?" -
"Up in Granny's room settin' the
clock." . , . . , . • •
"And you young man?" • • •--
. "Up in the. garret settin' tbe.trap."-
"And now Master Fred, .where-were
you, and what were _you settin' asked:
the old farmer of.the youngest progeny. ; ;
the asperity of. his temper .being some
what softened by this _amusing eategovyt ,
of answers. "(,omelet's hear.". • '
"Out on the doorstep settia' stilt!"-;
replied the young hopeful seriously. , •
"A reisarkable set, I must confess.". ad•
ded the amused sire, dispessiag the grin.'
,uhig group with a ware.of hia hand.
"Now• George, you must- divide the eat: ,
honorably with your brother Charles. •
Whatishonorablymother? Itmeans
von must give him the largest piece. '
Then mother, I'd rather that Charley
should divide, it.