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1
TIONESTA, PA., WEDNESDAY, NOV. 2, 1898.
VOL. XXXI. NO. 29.
SI. 00 PER ANNUM.
R
A
Anarchy wears its moat hideous
aspect when it seeks ita viotims among
feeble and griefstrloken women.
Don't go to the Klondike and hunt
gold. Oo to Porto Rico and raise
ooflee. Southeast by east the star ol
empire takes its way.
.- One Herr Rohrig ont Prince Bis
marok's hair from 1890 to 1898. Ue
carefully saved up all the shorn looks,
and now proposes to sell them in small
sections. Here is a new terror added
to the death of great men.
A man was on his way to be married,
lie got on . an express train by mis
take. Finding that there was no atop
at his station, he pulled the bell cord
and got off. Is he liable to punish
mentf Is now the question. It will
be interesting to see if railroad com
panies lore a lover.
A Conneotiout man has left his en.
tire savings, amounting to twelve thou
sand dollars, for a monument to be
ereoted to his memory. How much
better it would have been to put this
money into a 'memorial library! The
monument will do nobody any good.
It will be infrequently seen, and it will
not make the town a better' plaoe to
live in, while a library would have been
a lasting reminder of his generosity
and oommon sense.
Kaiser Wilhelm has struck another
blow at the Frenoh. A recent army
order commands the suppression of
the terms Premier Lieutenant and
Seoonde Lieutenant and the substitu
tion of Obor and Unter Lieutenant
Instead. The title remains, therefore,
half Gorman and half Frenoh, and
First Lieutenants willjbe easilyj eon
fused with Lieutenant-Colonels,
Oberst Lieutenants. An imperial at
tempt at Oermanizing the Frenoh title
Lieutenant would have been interest
Ing. '
It is a very pretty proposition made
by General Sir Herbert Kitchener that
a college and medioal sohool be estab
lished at Khartum, in memory of Gen
eral Gordon, devoted to the education
of sons of Bheiks and other young
men, graduation from whioh should
qualify one to hold Government posts.
It would cost, he says, $300,000; and
he believes the British mblio would
subsoribe it. That is the way war is
made nowadays by nations that feel
responsibility for territories aoquired
in war.
If it be true, as claimed, that the
long-looked-for new match has been
Invented it is news of great importance.
An Englishman and a Berlin chemist
have announced tho invention of a
match whioh will strike anywhere and
of whioh phosphorus is not a compo
nent part. The makers of friction
matches are liable to necrosis, a hor
rible form of jaw disease, as a result
of,the use of phosphorus, and in Europe
Urge rewards have been offered for a
suitable substitute for this dangerous
substance. It is to be hoped that the
substitute has been found.
Lovers of fresh fruits will rejoioe at
the new enterprise undertaken by the
California sugar king, Claus Spreokles,
says the New York World. He has
begun building a railroad from a point
in the Ban Joaquin Valley over the
Tejon Pass into Los Angeles. This
will conneot south of the pass with
the Atchison system and north of it
with the new San Francisco and Los
Angeles road; whioh means that all of
the great fruit districts of California
are to be provided with a competing
railroad route to the Eastern States.
This in turn means that an abundance
of grapes, figs, aprioots, pears, peaches
and plums will soon be furnished to
us fresh and cheap.
A serious question has arisen in New
Jersey concerning a gravestone. It
seems that the relatives of a person
who is burled in a cemetery at Eliza
beth desire to perpetuate his memory,
in accordance with his express wish,
by placing at the grave a large boulder
whioh has been brought from his-farm
and adorned with a suitable inscrip
tion. The appearanoe of the huge
stone is not satisfactory, however, to
some of the neighboring lot owners,
and at their instance the authorities of
the cemetery have refused to allow it
to be placed therein. The rights of
lot owners in respect to the monuments
whioh they may ereot must depend
upon the particular contract with the
cemetery association, or upon the
statutes of the State in which the ceme
tery is situated. It is usual for the
proprietary corporation to reserve for
itself the power of final control in such
matters, and where that power is exer
cised with discretion there is rarely
any difficulty. There are many ceme
teries in whioh natural boulders have
been ereoted into very suitable and
handsome monuments.
THE BILLS I
Tby rally round my bed at night,
A grim and ghostly band.
In tattered uniforms ol white
The gaunt battalions stand.
I waton them maroh and counter
marob, I hear the bugles play,
As in review they pass ma by
ThS Bills I Cannot Pay.
In daytime, when I walk abroad, '
And seemingly alone,
They form In unsoen companies,
To other eye unknown.
But I oan hear their measured tread
Behind me all the way
This faithful bodyguard ot mine,
The Bills I Cannot Pay.
AUNT BIKAS QUILT,
A WAR-TIME EPISODE.
NDETERRED
- from her purpose
by ridicule and
objections, Aunt
Bina Emerson had
pieoed the quilt
only from bits of
calioo given her
by the women and
girls in Eden that
she liked, It was
the lone woman's "love-quilt," with
her shades of affeotion deliberately
outlined in the tiny irregular pieces
composing it.
"I won't have any pieces in it that
oall up anybody that's stingy or stuok
up or meddlesome or cruel," she said.
"I'll have it just as near like fresh air
and sunshine as it oan be, so when
I'm sick it'll scorn like a nioe, bright
Btory."
"But yon needn't have counted
every etitoh," protested her sister,
Mrs. Billings, in whose honfe she had
her cozy room.
"Anybody would think you were an
astronomer counting stars, to see how
partioular you've been," added pretty
Hetty Barton, for whose bonetlt the
quilt was now exhibited; and she
looked at the paper, covered with
cabalistio figuring, whioh was Aunt
Bina's actual reoord of stitches set.
"Woll, stars or stitob.es, we like to
soo how many we've sot, and oounting
is only a pastime. The minister says
we can't think of two things at the
same time, but somehow I oan connt
my stitohes and have most profitable
thoughts right along. I liko the way
I've disposed of my lights and darks,
don't you?" Aunt Bina shook out the
great square complacently.
"It is beautiful 1" Hetty exclaimed.
"Why, you've got a piece of my light
blue in the middle; and here is my
pink, and there is my dark blue I"
"Yes; that's because I " Aunt
Bina had almost said "love you," but
she was not in the habit of expressing
herself in that way.
The young girl looked at her ques
tioning! j, then suddenly stooped and
dropped a kiss upon her forehead.
".Don't be foolish, child," said Aunt
Bina.
When the last minute triangle was
finally set in its oorner, Mrs. Billings
made a "quilting," to which every
woman came who was invited, for it
was well understood by this time
that goodness as well as gowns ac
cording to Aunt Bina's measurement
was represented.
' She ought to know who amongst
na is angelio, after being in our sick
rooms and kitchens for so many
years," they said.
In those days quiltings were sup
posed to be enlivened by muoh gos
sip, but the women who gathered that
afternoon, in the spring of 1862, wore
anxious faces and had but one theme
of conversation, the sacrifices that the
overburdened nation seemed to be
preparing to ask from them.
"They have opened a recruiting
office," said one to another.
"Captain Pillsbury's in oharge.
His furlough is almost up, but he
means to get a oompany enlisted be
fore he goes book," was the next bit
of news.
"I should think we were far enough
out of the world to be let alone," said
Mrs. Hastings, as she snapped the
cord, wet in starch water, across the
triangles.
"That's crooked!" interrupted her
neighbor, referring to the work; then
she added, coming back to the topic,
"But I don't wonder you feel so,
with three grown sons to worry
about."
' "We've no boys to spare, here in
Eden," added Mrs. Thurston, "but
Massachusetts hasn't failed to do her
part so far, and I've expected our
time would come."
"Her John'll be one of the first to
enlist, now you see!" whispered two
busy workers on the opposite side of
the quilt.
And so it proved; for when at twi
light the husbands and brothers came
in to partake of Mrs. Billings bounti
ful supper, bringing the Boston pa
pers and the news of the day, they
gave the names of those who had en
listod that afternoon, and the first ono
was John Thurston's.
"And probably Harry Thurston
will join that oompany before it's
filled; but his mother needn't know
about John now," they said. So it
was whispered in the room where she
sat; but she uuderstood the message
that passed from eye to eye. Hetty
Barton understood, too, although sho
did not rtise her eyes from the line
where she was setting small, even
stitches. The air waves were full of
echoes in '62, and Hetty did not need
even John's words, which came later
in the evening, to confirm thoir dire
prophecies.
Then how the war fever spread
through Eden I Around the recruit
ing -office, where a Urge flag proudly
Coated, on the store steps, at the post
HOT
CANNOT PAY.
And yet I would not part with them,
If suoh a thins; might be,
For many are the stories
That these statements tell to me.
They whisper tales ot credit days
When all the world was gay
The days when I created them,
These Bills I Cannot Pay.
So leave me not, O trusty friends,
Your songs delight my ears.
In hearing them f feol again
The Joys ot otbor years. , .
Ton bring the old-time pleasures
back
In glorious array
And so I bless you, every one,
O Bills I Cannot Payt
Bandolpb Hartley, in Life.
office, ont on the country roads and
beside the fenoes, while horses stood
still in the furrows, men gathered to
talk about the boys who were going to
the war. The village paper printed a
long list one week and as it was read
with tear-dimmed eyes, the people
said, "it seems as though all Eden is
going."
Then, one bright June morning the
sun i hone upon a company of eager
young soldiers in new blue suits with
shining brass buttons. It fell upou
the fathers and mothers aud friends,
who stood grouped sear the long
wagons whioh were ready to take
"Company I" to the nearest railroad
station. The white-hatr'd old pastor
offered the last prayer, and with flut
tering flags, beating drums, huzzas
and waving caps, the brave soldier
boys were borne away.
A strange hush fell upon the small
town. It had always boen a staid and
sober plaoe; but now it almost seemed
as though life had gone out of it
Hard work became a blessed necessity
to old and young.
The girls learned to drive horses
that were not "steady," to ride mowing-machines,
to help plan the farm
work, to do "everything but sing bass,"
which they would not learn'to do. But
thereallife of the place depended upon
news from the boys after all; and the
coming of the old yellow stage twice
eaoh day quiokeued heart-throbs as
did nothing else.
Two years passed, and the suspense
was not vet over. Some of the Eden
boys had gone beyond the sound of
bugle-call, a few were in hospitals,
but most of thorn wore in action that
dreadf ul spring of 'CI, when news of
battle after battle flashed over the
land. "
Eden was at its height of anxiety as
the people gathered for worship in the
white ohuroh one Sunday morning the
last of May. Hymns, Soripture read
ing and prayer were over, and the old
pastor arose, but instead of beginning
his sermon he said:
"Late last night word came that
there is great need ot everything for
use on battle-fields and in hospitals.
The sanitary commission begs us to
send cotton and flannel garments,
socks, sheets, quilts, old cotton and
linen everything we can gather, at
onoe. It would be cruel to keep you
women who can use needles here with
hands folded over your Bible's when
the need is so great. You are invited
to gather immediately at the home of
Mrs. Grow for work, and may God's
blessing go with you."
There were children in that congre
gation who still remember how, with
one impulse, all the women arose and
reverently left the church.
The law of riaubatn observance in
Eden was Puritanic, but those who
would not sew on a missing button
under ordinary oiroumstanoes were
soon seated, needles in Hand, wearing
the exalted look which means a great
emergency.
Mrs. Grow was president of the
Soldiers' Aid, and her husband kept
the village store. This was opened
and neoessary materials were taken
from it. The only two sewing ma
chines in the village were already
there, and were soon clicking an
aocompaniment to the sujbdned voices
of the busy workers.
A delegation, one of whom was
Aunt Bina, was sont out to gather
whatever could be found ready for
use.
"I'm clad to got ont in the open
air." said she. "It stifles me to sit
there like a funeral in Mrs. Crow's
parlor. Seems 's if it would kill me
to see the look in Mis' Hasting's eyes
since Harry was shot."
"They knew you could toll just
where to go for supplies," replied
Mrs. Kent. "We must get sheets and
quilts and old linen. Have you any
quilts to spare at your house, Aunt
Bina?"
"I'm aura sister has some, and
yes, I've got an extra blanket or two.
Come in."
While Mrs. Billings was collecting
her contribution, Aunt Bins was iu
lmr rnnm noon her knoes. When she
eutered the parlor again a few minutes
later, she bore in her arms a pair of
soft, white blankets and her love
quilt. "Bina Emerson!" exclaimed her
sister. "You don't mean that you're
going to send that quilt?"
"Yes, I ami" cried Aunt Bina, her
face quivering. "Nothing's too good
for our boys. I won't send 'em old
things I don't want; they shall have
this."
Tt u useless to arime. nor in that
hour of supreme devotion did any one
care to do so; but when it was Known
that Auut Bina had sacrificed her
treasure, it aroused a splendid rivalry
which brought together just such
stores as were needed.
All day the good work went on, and
at night the men, weary of their
enforoed idleness, packed barrels and
boxes ready to ship in theearly morn
ing. Aunt Bina reached her room again
at twilight, taking with her Hetty
Barton. "You know I've sent my
quilt to the soldiers?" she asked,
hesitatingly.
"Yen. ther told me so. I think it
was so generous of you," Hetty re
plied, in an absent-minded way, as
she twisted the plain gold ring on her
finger. .
"I ha 'planned to give it to you.
Hetty. There's n6body I like so well
as yon and John; but now "
Hetty's eyes were full of dumb
agony. Suddenly slipping from the
chair to her knees, she buried her face
in Aunt Bina's lap. "Oh! oh!" she
sobbed, "you needn't think about
that. It has been two long weeks
since I heard from him. John
wouldn't treat me so, Aunt Bini, un
less " and then the girl conld say
no more.
Aunt Bina's tears fell upon the
brown braids. "There, there! don't
give way. I guess John is all right."
"Oh, but he always wrote! He
wasn't careless, like some of the boys.
Do you know his father and mother
are almost sick. They think he
is "
"There, there 1" comforted Aunt
Bina. "I believe John will live to
come home; that's my faith. Why,
we've got to believe it, Hetty! If we
didn't, how could we live through it I"
Even whilo they slept and talked,
John was lying in one of the Wash
ington hospitals. He had beeu terri
bly wounded, and after many delays
was brough there with one leg ampu
tated and his right arm disabled. His
nurse, a bright little woman from
Maine, tried In every way to arouse
him.
"I believe he wants to die," she
said to the surgeon. "1 can hardly
persuade him to eat."
"Probably he does," replied tho
weary-eyed man. "He had a raag
nificent physique, and suoh a fellow
feels that he oannot face life mained
in this fashion. I've often had suoh
cases. If you can only get him past
this first shock "
The busy man hurried away without
finishing his sentence, but the nurse
understood.
A few nights later a lot of boxes
arrived in response to the urgeut call
for hospital supplies, and John's
nurse eagerly claimed some ot their
precious contents. "I need blankets
in my ward," sho said, "and oh, here
is a beautiful quilt! This will cheer
my poor boys like a bouquet of flow
ers." -
The nurse from Maine was one of
the best inthe hospital, and no one ob
jected when the carried away the quilt
and placed it gently over her favorite
patient.
"Perhaps it will keep his eyes off
the blank wall," she said to herself,
with a sigh.
When the first morning light shone
in through the long, narrow windows,
the young soldier opened his eyes, al
most resenting the knowledge that he
had slept better than usual. As he
looked languidly to see. if his nurse
had given him an extra blanket, he
saw a now quilt, and at the same mo
ment was oonsoious of a faint perfume
of rose-leaves,peroeptible even in that
sickening atmosphere.
He closed his eyes and saw the
bushes under the parlor wiudows at
home, laden with great red roses, as
they had been the morning he left
Eden. He had started out that morn
ing with a bud in his buttonhole, and
another between his lips "deoked
for the sacrifice," he thought, with a
spasm of bitterness.
With his left hand he pulled the
quilt nearer. It was made of many,
many small triangles! "Mother's
dress!" he murmured, placing his fin
ger upon a brown bit with a tiny white
spray in it. "Hetty!" and a wave of
color rose to his pale face, as he
caressed a triangle of pink.
For the first time since he was
plaoed upon that cot, great tears rolled
down his cheeks. The spell of despair
was broken. Life was sweet, after all.
"Mother and Hetty won't mind if I
am a poor one-legged fellow," he
sobbed.
All the bitterness and rebellion
melted out of his heart as he lay there
quietly crying; and when his nurse
came in he greeted her with a smile
that transfigured his face.
"This is Aunt Bina's quilt!" said he.
"I don't know how it got here, but it
is. Now, nurse, bring on your broth,
for I'm going to got well."
"It's been better than medicine,"
the delighted woman declared to the
doctor. "He's given me his address,
and I've already written to his mother.
"And I've shown that quilt to all
my boys, and told them about the dear
old maid who counted all the stitches
and thought so much of her 'love
quilt,' and how hard it must have
been to give it up. They're all
brighter aud better for it. 'Why,'
they say, 'do the folks at home think
so much of us as that?' "
Years have passed since that day,
and John and Hetty are elderly people
now, with boys and girls growing up
around them. John found that his
brains could do better service for him
than even pbyeical energy, and has
become a successful and conscientious
lawyer. In their busy, hoppy lives
they have never forgotten the woman
whose sacrifice meaut so much to
them, and when Memorial Day comes
round, and the veterans gather to
decorate their comrades' graves, John
aud Hetty reserve the choicest flowers
of their garden for Aunt Bina's humble
resting place.
And the quilt? Through the
thoughtfulness of the nurse from
Maine, it was returned to the generous
donor, who bestowed it, as she had
intended, upon her young friends. If
you had the privilege of examining
the contents of a certain chest iu the
Thurston homestead, yon would find
a soldier's cap and suit of faded blue.
and very near it, carefully wrapped in
tissue-paper, Aunt Bina's quilt Mrs.
O. W. Scott, in Youth's Companion.
CAPTAIN CAPRON'S CALLANT FEAT.
Risked Bis Lite to Stop a Bunawav
Team.
Army officers and National Guards
men have not forgotten a notable inci
dent on the Presidio grounds in the
early part of 1893, when the courage
and superb horsemanship of the late
Captain Capron, United States Army,
saved the lives of a woman and her
two children. It was on a morning
when the First Troop of California
Cavalry, then under the command of
Captain Blumenberg, was at drill on
the large parade ground. Sergeant
Capron was interested in the drill of
the troopers, and sat on his horse on
the main road watching the evolutions.
A light carriage, drawn by two spirit
ed horses, entered the Lombard gate
and prooeeded in the direotion of the
post buildings. In the vehlole wore
an elderly worn! n and two little girls.
The carriage passed Capron, and when
about one hundred yards west of his
position something scared the horses,
and they bolted along the drive at a
terrifio paoe, turning into a side road
and racing furiously on a broken half
grade.
Capron kicked the spurs into his
horse in an instant and dashed around
the slope to intercept the team. When
he reached the road again the team
was approaching on a mad gallop. The
officer caw no time could be lost if the
lives of the woman and children were
to be saved. At the risk of his own
life he trotted into the center of the
road and waited for the collision with
the team. The two carriage horsos
continned their wild run, and in a few
moments crushed against the troop
horse of Capron. He dropped his own
reins, aud, leaning over his horse's
head, caught both runaways by the
bridle. The three horses roared and
fought Capron was lifted out of the
saddle, but he held the bridle reins
and compelled the infuriated animals
to stop. The carriage was badly dam
aged, but the occupants escaped with
out a scratch. Sau Francisco Examiner.
SCIENTIFIC AND INDUSTRIAL.
Measles is the most infectious dis
ease after smallpox.
The bitterness of a grain of strych
nine can bo tasted in 600,000 grains
of water.
It is said that 4200 speoies of plants
are gathered and used for commercial
purposes in Europe.
Thirty years ago there were only
two dozen explosive compounds known
to chemists; now there are over 1000.
Dr. Seraphim, of the Russian Ob
servatory at Poltava, has discovered
a star-like condensation in the center
of the Andromeda nebula. The dis
covery will be of importance to as
tronomers. The diameter of the sun in miles is
estimated at 806,400; Jupiter, 86,600;
Saturn, 71,000; Neptune, 84,800;
Uranus, 81,900; Earth, 7918; Venus,
7700; Mars, 4230; Mercury, 8030
Moon, 2162.
Ah electrio plant for calcium car
bide is proposed as a moans of utiliz
ing the peat bogs of Northern Ger
many. A peat bed ten feet thick is
estimated to contain 1000 tons of
dried peat per acre, and a 10,000
horse-power station would consume
200,000 tons yearly.
Value of a Specialty.
A youth took, as he expressed it,
ihe notion into his head to investigate
the peculiarities of a certain plant
Not very much was known of it save
that it was thought to have possibili
ties as a commercial product for future
nse. He stndied aud read ahout it,
cultivated it, and, according to his
friends and playmates, wasted a lot of
valuable time on it.
After a time public attention was
turned to this plant No one seemed
to know very muoh about it When
it was reported to the commissioner
whose business it was to make scien
tific experiments with it, that there
was a young man, little more than a
lad, who had paid some attention to
it, the boy was sent for and catechised
as to his information on the subject
So extensive was his knowledge of
this new product that he was appointed
to go abroad with the commission and
study the plant upon its native soil.
Here was the moment, and the man
was ready. This is the history of
manv of the brightest and most suc
cessful men of our time. They did
not know at whatmoment certain facts
might be required, but they had care
fully stored away such knowledge as"
was likely to be of nse 'to the world at
some future day. New York Ledger.
Be Forgot Blmaeir.
I remember hearing of a law-court,
where a man had entered an action
against a railway company for an in
jury to his arm in an accident Said
the opposing lawyer:
"I understand you have lost the use
of your arm entirely through this ao
cident?" "Yes," said the plaintiff.
Lawyer "How high can you lift
your arm now?"
Plaintiff with great difficulty moves
it about an inch.
"How far could you lift it before
the accident?"
"Right up there !" at the same time
shooting it right up over his head.
Philadelphia Saturday Evening Post
Frogs That Bleat Like Lamb..
There is a species of frog which
dwells on the Western Tiers,' Tas
mania, whose voice resembles the
bleating of a lamb. In tho oldjn
days a shepherd, hearing the sound
for the first time, thought he had dis
covered a contingent of lost ewes and
lambs, and followed the sound for
some days, returning in rags and half
starved.
THE JIEKRY SIDE OF LIFE
STORIES THAT ARE TOLD BY TH8
FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS.""
The City Huntsman Bad Babstitnte-il
Woman's Rcmoii-Ina and Out B
Early Training A Friendly Offer Abl
to Worry Along;, Etc., Etc.
Mary had a little lamb,
It freely ran about
Until a city huntsman took
Ills gun and sa untered out.
He saw the lambkin where it played,
And nervously "let go"
He'd shut both eyes, and so ot course,
The poor thing was laid low.
And then the hunter hurried baok
Into the city, where
He still relates the thrilling tale
Ot bow he killed a bear.
Chicago News.
Bad a Substitute.
Dixon "Is your friend Smithson a
deep thinker?"
Hixon "No, indeed. Ho's mar
ried." Chicago News.
A Woman's Reason.
"She sent my letter back unopened. "
"Why?"
"She said the postman who deliv
ered it kicked her dog." Chicago
Record.
Ins and Out,.
"He married into one of your best
families, did he not?"
"Not exactly; his wife married ont
at one of our best families." Detroit
Journal.
Ber Early Training.
"With what a gracefully sweeping
motion she handles a fan."
"Yes, she used to keep the flies off
ihe table in her father's Omaha lunch
room." Cleveland Plain Dealer.
A Friendly Offer.
' Lawyer Goodly '.'What's wrong,
old ohop?"
Uglimugge "I won a kiss from Miss
Purtiest. She won't pay up."
Lawyer Goodly "Never mind, old
nan; I'll collect it for you." Truth.
Able to Worry Along.
"Do you need any help?" askod the
izard.
"I think not," rcpliod the snake.
'I cau'pull off this event without your
issistance. Thanks."
- And presently he finished shedding
hia skin. Topeka (Kan.) Capital.
His Gentle Little Joke.
"Please, sir, can't you help mo?"
isked the seeming mendicant; "I am
lick and in need of a few dimes."
"If you are siok, why don't you go
to the hospital?" anawored the sub
stantial citizen.
"I thought a littlo change would da
me good," was the plausiblo reply.
Kansas City Star.
Tommy's Last Question.
"Papa," said Tommy Tredway.
"Now, Tommy," roplied Mr. Tred
way, "I shall answer only one more
question to-day. So be caret ul whal
you ask."
"Yes, papa."
"Well, go on."
"Why don't they bury the Dead
Sea?" Harper's Bazar.
At Last 1 1
First Veteran "I tell you, thess
modern improvements in long-range
guns and chilled-steel projectiles have
made war a good deal riskier than it
was in our day."
Second Veteran "Yes; I see that
somebody has invented a gun now
which, at a thousand yards, w'U go
clear through a small pooket Bible
carried over a man's heart" Judge
A Last lteqnest.
He "And am I to understand thai
your refusal is final?"
She "It is."
He "Then life no longer has s
charm for me; I shall hang myself."
She "Will you grant me a favor?"
He "Certainly. Name it."
She "Discontinue your existence
elsewhere; papa objects to flour hang
ing around here." Chicago News.
Trouble Ahead.
"I regret to observe," said Skill
ton, "that there is . to be another
yaoht race for the Amerioa's cup."
"Regret? Why it indicates thai
England and the United States are
coming together again!" said Jones.
"That's jnst it," said Skillton.
"We are beginning to get along so
nicely, and now all the old trou'oler
will be reopened." Harper's Bazar.
Why Be Wae Troubled.
Jack "Come, old mau, cheer up,
hat if she did break tbs engage
ment; she's not the only fish iu the
swim."
Tom "Oh, I don't care any', ing
about her breaking the ertgagemont,
but you see I've got to go right oo
paying installments On the ring foi
the next six months. That's wherf
the icy breeze comes in." Chicrgo
News.
A Plausible Improbability.
The Boorder (irascibly) "now
many more times, Katy, must I tell
you that I want my toast well browne d?
This is hardly more thau yellowed!"
The Maid (innocently) "Sure, sor,
ut was brown whin I tuk ut off tht
shtove tin minutes ago. May be a
settin' in the suu inoight have fadod
ut since. Sure the sun-loigat do br
dreadful har-r-rd on colors, sor."
Puok. 1
Moral Suasion.
Old Gentleman "Do you raoau to
say that your teachers never thrasb
you?"
Little Boy "Never! We have
moral suasion at our school."
Old Gentleman "What's that?"
Little Boy "Oh, we get kep in,
and stood up in corners, aud locked
out, and locked in, and made to writs
one word a thousand times, scowled at,
and jawed at, and that's all."
THE OLD RUSTIC BRIDGE,
TIs just a common rustle bridge,
And spans a common stream;
Where mild-eyed eattle slake their thirst.
And shadows glint and gleam.
Thetgoldenrod and asters flame '
Along the sedgy bank;
The grass is thick, and lush, and green.
The weeds are tall and rank.
But It Is fair, this quiet stream.
Where minnows dart and play;
Where willows droop, and blackbirds call
Through all the livelong day.
The planks are old, and gray, and warp'd,
The rail la broken down.
But It is dearer tar to me
Than any bridge in town. '
Mary M. Bedmond, in Donahue's.
HUMOR OF THE DAY.
"Tommy, who was Joan of Aro?"
asked the teaoher. "Noah's wile,"
was Tommy's guess.
At every pionic every guest secretly
believes that every other guest didn't
bring her share. Atchison Globe.
"Willie, how can it be that you love
your grandma better than your own
parents?" "She alius lets me help
myself to pie." Detroit Free Press.
"Reputation is a good deal like a
linen suit." "How's that?" "When .
you undertake to wash it, it always
shrinks the wrong way. " Detroit Free
Press.
"Here i -inre 'The Garden
of Edcu.' " if uj, man. you're crazy I
This is a winter scene." "Of course
it is that's a picture of the Garden
after the fall." Truth.
"I hope I see you well," he said
fluently to the old farmer leaning on
his hoe. "I hope you do," was the
unexpected answer; "but if you don't
see me well, young man, put on
specs. "
"How much longer will I have to
wait on you?" asked the impatient man
of the busy clerk. "In a few minutes
I shall be waiting on you," replied the
clerk with a smile. Philadelphia
North American.
She "You never did care for me.
You only married me for my money."
He "Now you are not only cruel, but
absurd. I should like to know how I
could have got your money any other
way?" Boston Transcript
"She says that he proposed to her,
but that they are not engaged." But
they knew her and they laughed long
and loud. "The only problem," they
said, "is to decide whioh of the two
statements is false." Chicago Post
Old Million "You want my daugh
ter, eh? Now, sir, tell me in what
single instanoe have you ever ex
hibited any business tact?" Jake
Fellows "Well, that's easy enough.
I picked on you for a father-in-law."
Mr. Floody "Now, Franklin, my
son, I have at last made the great fact
of the evolution of species clear to
you, have I not?" Franklin Floody
"Oh, yes, papa; I understand! Before
I was born, you and mamma were
monkeys. " Truth.
Judge "There was no necessity ol
you assaulting this man aud breaking
his camera, just beoause he tried to
take a snapthot of you. What else
did he do?" Prisoner "Nothing,
your honor. He pressed (hi button
and I did the rest" Standard.
Mrs. Dashleigh "I see here, Ethel,
that every name has a meaning. Thus
Harold means 'brave,' Charles means
gay,' Riohard ." Miss Dashleigh
(interruptiugly) "O, I know what
Dick means, ma. He means busi
ness. He told me so last night."
Boston Globe.
"Can you tell me," asked his wife
scornfully, after looking over the
proporty he just purohased, "what
ever induced you to buy this place?"
"I can," he answered promptly.
"What?" she demanded. "One ot
the smartest real estate agents in this
part of the country."
"Why have you broken off your en
gagement with the Fraulein Olga?"
"She was too affoctionate! She was
always throwing hor arms around my
neok and kissing me and exclaiming,
Robert, my only Robert!'" "Why,
I should think you would have felt
flattered!" "Flattered? But my
name isn't Robert!" Der Floh.
"Two Spaniards went up in a bal
loon. Tho balloon burst. What na
tionality were they when they came
down?" asked the conundrum man.
"Give it up," grimly responded the
.stupid man. "One came down a Rus
sian and the other got tangled np in
the telegraph wires and came down a
Pole," was the response. Chautau
qua Assembly Herald.
Chestnut Under Silentlflo Investigation.
Iu view of the new interest In the '
chestnut as an article of food, and
therefore of industrial importance,
scientific agriculturists are making a
careful study of the tree and its fruit.
The great enemy of the nut is tho un
pleasantly familar worm known as the
chestnut weevil. He, too, is under
scientific investigation, and the best
method of destroying him is being
made i mbiect of special study. A
blight that is destroying the ob.es tn at
loaves is also attracting the attention '
uf acientiflo agriculturists. Iu the
course of these investigations Ameri
can men of soieuoe have been in cor
respondence with botanists not only in
England, Spain and Italy, but even in
Japan. New York Sun.
Valuable Spruce.
Spruce is not commonly aocounted
a oostly wood, but some of it may be
very valuable. Spruco is largelj used
for the tops of stringed musical instru
ments, suoh as guitars and mandolins,
the finer grained being the more de
sirable. The value of rosewood de
pends upon its oolor and quality. It
ranges in price from a cent aud a
quarter to ten cents a pound. Thir'y
grain Adirondack spruce would '.be
worth more than the finest rosewood.
It might be that not one such log
world be found among a thousand.
New York Sun.