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me Forest Republican
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VOL. XXXI. NO. 27. TIONESTA, PA., WEDNESDAY, OCT. 19, 1898.
81.00 PER ANNUM.
Let '
The test of Spanish statesmanship
is ability to reconcile) the people to
bad news.
Returns for 1898 show an increase
in Canada's trade of $14,000,000 over
that for the corresponding period of
last year.
The Government has decided to
quit using black powder and has or
dered a million pounds of the smoke
less artiole. Iu the years to come
those who read our war pootry will
wonder what is meaut by such expres
sions as "the battle's smoke."
A sarcastio writer in the Washing
ton Star obsorvos: Russia wants
peace until the trans-Siberian rail
road is-coniploted. France wants die-
armament immediately after she has
recovered Alsace-Lorraine. England
favors disarmament of thajand forces
Xlone, her warships being, she ex-
plains, the harmless, necessary po
licemen to frighten off pirates from at
tacking her extensive commerce. The
'United States yearns for universial
, peace but would not permit that ab
stract desire to interfere with the com
pletion of her new navy.
Quito an industry is now carried on
in the production of greeu gutta
poroha from the leaves of the
caoutchouc tree, a product whioh is
said to possess not only all the ad
' vantages of the artiole procured by
incision into the stem, but even to
exoel it iu durability, thus promising
to enter largely into use industrially
and commercially in a hitherto un
known way. It is not only readily
prepared, but is also cheap, and does
not require the exponsive purification
whioh has hitherto increased the price
of the substance some fifteen to
twenty-five per ceut. It is highly
plastio, very strong, can be divided
into the thinnest leaves, and receives
the most delicate and, at the suine
time, most distinct impressions by
moulding and pressing. In addition
to these advantages there is the im
portant one of perfectly withstauding
aotion of water and the strongest
aoids, and even in a worn and broken
up condition is still worth one-fourth
its cost of production.
. Fark Commissioners in Baltimore
are worried over the blighting of
treos, whioh is ascribed to the pres
ence of the electric lights and wires.
The popular impression is that the ill
effect conies from the bright light,
under the influence of which the
trees grow at night, as well as during
the day, and thus soon exhaust their
vitality ' ,' Electricians dispute this,
however, while acknowledging the
possible deteriorating influence of
electricity. They deny that the
electrio light is sufficient for the
growth of vegetation, inasmuch as it
lacks the heat present iu the light of
the sun. Their theory is that the evil
effeot seen is due to electrolysis.
Much eleotrioity, they explain, es
capes from the cirouits. This, pass
ing into the body of the tree, as the
readiest conductor, decomposes the
sap by taking out of it t'ie oxygen
whioh is its life-giving part. The faol
that young trees show the injury from
eleotrioity more than the older ones,
far from supporting the assumption
that the injury is due to the light,
goes to prove the other theory,' the
electricians say, because the yonn,'
tree, more tender and full of sap, if
more susceptible to the electrio influ
enoe. -
Library work for children is com
paratively in its infancy, and in a
majority of libraries the age limit re
garding the withdrawal of books is
maintained., - This is, of course, vise
in libraries where a separate classifi
cation of books for children has not
been made. Bat many libraries have
such classifications, and some have
even gone to the extent of providing
children's rooms or "corners." A
chapter of a recent report by the Wis
consin Free Library Commission is
devoted , to this interesting phase of
library work. Progress therein is
facilitated by the supervision of the
State Commission, and by a natural
rivalry which is not so likely of de
velopment among isolated libraries.
The .Wisconsin report speaks en
' thusiastically of results. There are
no more constant patrons than the
children, and none who show a
greater appreciation of the advantages
offered by their behavior in the library
and by their care of the books. Some
libraries have gone to the extent of
permitting tho children to select the
books desired from the shelves, and
to replace them there after their re
turn has been noted at the receiving
desk. The children thus trusted have
mastered the Cutter system of library
indexing, with its mysterious symbols,
and rarely is there occasion to re
aan&e any of the books iu the chil
dren's section.
SONG AFTER
VVe bare given our best, oh Lord!
We gave without stint or measure
Our sons to the ruthless sword.
Tho best of our men and treasure;
We heeded the ory of distress, Lord Oodl
We trusted the cause to Thee,
Wo leaned on Tby might while we (ought
for the right
Fought upon land and sea.
To Thee the praise. Lord Oodl
That bade the horrors cease.
That led this land with Tby tender
band
To Viotory and Peace.
S THE BARLOW BLOCKADE. 1
.A. Reoruitlng Incident.
gj2T"32 HE war had been in
weeks when one
warm evening
Billy Barlow camo
shuttling into the
kitchen where his
wife was busy
washing np the
supper dishes, aud
there was such a
new energy in his
Btep that she
turned involuntar
ily to see what it
meant.
"Well, mother,
said he, "the President hez called for
troopB, and I'm goin' to enlist."
"Oh, ye be, be ye?" returned Mis'
Barlow, dryly.
A hot flush bnrnt on her face, and
she felt ouoe mow the sinking of heart
she had known so well during the
years of the Civil War, when Billy
had been doing active service in the
field. No wonder she hated the very
mention of war aud fighting. Her
strong, young husband had come
back to her a broken wreck from a
lotig imprisonment to be watched and
tended like a child for the rest of his
life. People tapped their foreheads
significantly to the mention of Mis'
Barlow's Bill, and said he wasn't all
there, but the most imaginative of
them were far from suspecting how
inuoh of him wasn't there.
"Down to the town hall I'm goin'
to-morrow niornin', euro's a gun. Sho,
t' won't be long, mother I You don't
mind my goin'?"
lie spoke almost pleadingly, step
piog round where he could steal a
glance at the face bent over the dish
pau, working fiercely iu the press of
many emotions.
"You'ro too old," she said. "It's
the young fellers they want to have
shot down in battle or murdered iu
other ways that's even wuss."
There was a lump in her throat.
"But I'm a veteran, don't yo see?
Makes a sight o' difference. I guess
there'll be no doubt about my gettin'
in. I'm sound enough, if I am fifty
five," and Billy, shouldering an imag
inary gun, went through the manual
of arms with a precision which would,
indeed, have delighted the captain of
his oompany.
"You'll see about gettin' my things
ready, won't yo, Liza?" he asked
presently, pausing in the march he
had begun np aud down the room,
while the clattering of dishes iu the
sink might have represented the rat
tle of a hostile mnsketry. It was as
tonishing to see how the old, manly
occupation seemed to bring back some
of the old, manly spirit. For the first
time in years there was the ring of
decision in his voice, and it struck
deep into the poor wife's sotil. He
should never go back again to that
cruel army. She had given np enough
to her conntryalready,and she turned
upon him sharply.
"No. I won't. You ain't going to no
war, William Barlow, and you might
as well make pp your mind tp it first
as last. So stop your nonsense and
go pnt np them plates in the closet."
Bill quailed from mere foree of habit
He mechanically picked up the pile of
plates, still damp aud warm- -f roua- the
excited hands of the waBher, and car
ried them into the bnttery. On or
dinary occasions he would have re
turned with a feeble smile and some
meek acquiescent jest in the face of
opposition, but to-night he lingered,
straightening the' bowls and .platters
on the shelves, out of sight of his wife,
trying very hard to collect his scat
tered wits with one great effort of re
sistance. -j
Mrs. Barlow, wiping her hands on
her big blue gingham apron, followed
him in a few minutes. He looked up
at her, and there was something in
his manner that filled her with sud
den anxiety.
"I've give way to ye in everything
else, 'Liza, like a lamb, now haven't
I? But this ain't for you to decide,
and I'm goin' to enlist to-morrer morn
in'. There, we won't say no ' toof e
about it. Mebbe I shouldn't be called
on to go to Cuba, anyhow. It'll make
a new man o' me to see the . old flag
floatin' in the wind again."
His dull eyes kindled, and a host of
recollections rushed into his befogged
mind. It was useless for the. dis
turbed wife to try to lure him away to
other topics of conversation. When
he declared from time to time that he
meant to enlist next day, she no longer
contradicted him, but heard his plans
in silence, and even reminded him of
the particular corner in the attio where
his battered knapsack had been stored
away, so that he had ceased to suspect
her of opposing his designs when the
clock struck nine, and they prepared
to shut up the house for the night.
"I want you should sleep in the
spare room to-night, William," said
she.
"Why, 'taint house cleaning time,
is it?" asked Billy, good-naturedly.
si
VICTORY.
'Neath a tropical sky. oh Lord!
And sunk in the boundless deep
Lie those we loved who died by the sword
Have they not earned their sleep?
They have finished the tusk Tbou g a vest,
Lord I
They have paid the score of years.
With the victory won their work is done
We thank Thee through our tears.
To Thee the praise, Lord Oodl
That caused the war to cease.
Tbat with Thy might upheld the
right
And blessed our land with Fence.
Helen Fuller, in Indianapolis News.
accustomed to the upheaval of all
household ways and traditions in those
hours of trial.
"Pretty nigh. I want to git the
room aired out a little, aud a feather
bed like that is all the better bein'
slop' in now and then."
"Just as you soy," returned the
veterau, taking up his lamp. "And I
shall be stirrin' pretty early, anyhow,
so's to get the chores done before I
step over to the town hall, ye know.
Mebbe I'll come back a colonel after
this trip, mother."
"Mobbe ye will if ye start," said
mother, enigmatically, but the sober
warrior was absorbed iu dreams of
future greatness and did not hear her.
He went to bed in the musty spare
chamber, which was chilly and damp
in the April season just beginning, to
dream that he was again lying in a
tent,, waiting the sound of the reveille
aud preparing for a long day's maroh;
and that or the rest on goose feathers
proved to be particularly soothing,
for the sun was well up in the sky
when he woke the next morning.
There was a strong smell of smoke
iu tho air. Conscience-stricken lest
his wife should have been trying to
build the kitchen fire herself, a task
which she generally left for him,
Billy rose hastily from his downy
couch, and prepared to make a hasty
toilet. To his astonishment, the chair
ou which he had deposited his clothes
was empty. Every other chair was
empty. Not a garment was to be
seen in the room. ' Everything except
the furniture had disappeared. More
and more bewildered, as he took in
the situation, Billy proceeded to the
door. It was locked' -on the outside.
Applying his eye to the keyhole he
conld see the key iu the lock. . Mys
tery piled on mystery. In a state of
mind too complicated to describe he
fell to bawling like a frightened boy:
"Mother! mother! Come let me
out I What does this mean?"
No wonder she heard, for his lungs
were sound, and the noise he made
shook the house. Her light, firm
step soon came creaking np the stairs
to pause outside the door.
"Was you a-callin' of me, William?"
said she in a tone of dangerous soft
ness. "Why, yes, mother! Somethin's
happened. All my clothes is gone
and I'm locked in. What does it
mean?"
"Means you're where you're goin'
to stay for a while," returned Mrs.
Barlow, with docision. "I've locked
you in myself, an' you ain't a'co'nin'
out till you give me your word you'll
say nothin' more about enlistiu'. You
cau promise now, anr1 I'll let yon
out" ,
The habits of thirty years are not to
be broken down in a moment, and her
husband's instinctive impulse was to
surrender. If the two of them had
been face tp face, there is no reason
to suppose that he could have held
out - But an . iuch or two of pine
board stretched between them. Eliza
Barlow could not- see through it and
watch the limp figure slowly stiffening
to a soldierly straightness and firm
ness, as he said, after a brief pause,
and with an accent of reproach which
somehow filled her with a momentary
pang of shame"
"i'sha'n't make no such" promise,
now' or never.' ' You can't keep me
here, forever, Where's my clothes,
Liza?"
"You haven't got any." '
"Haven't got any?" gasped the
astonished Billy.
'"No. I've burnt 'em, every stitch
you owned. Look out of jrour window
and you'll see the ashes of 'em in the
back yard." " ' j . '
"I guess you set round in rags and
dirt that a blanket's heaven to, when
yon was soldiering. . I hain't for
gotten it, if yon have You go 'way
from the door and I'll slide in your
breakfast on a tray. I ain't goin' to
starve you. Bat you can't oome out
till you've give me your word. We
can have war right here at home, so
long as you're hankering after it."
"War?"
"Yes, William. 'Twon't go so fur
as hand-to-hand fightin', mebbe, but
I'll see that you get all the blockade
you can 'tond to without goin' to
Cuba."
The key turned in the lock, and a
tin tray set forth with corn bread and
coffee was thrust in. Billy listened
as he ate to the sound of her brisk
coming and going about her house
hold duties down stairs, with a curious
idea working in his shallow brain.
No prisoner of state ever accepted
his situation with a more nolle spirit,
and as the day wore on, Billy sat at
the window scanning the road towards
the village as if expecting a squad of
cavalry to come pelting ouward ;i a
cluud of dust to his rescue. Alas,
none appeared! Mrs. Barlow pro
vided a frugal dinuer, a still lighter
supper. She was rather surprised at
the obduracy with which her captive
held out against her, aud yet she went
I
&
o bed in her own room on the opposite
side of the landing with a smile playing
round her lips as she said to herself
"Another day of it will fix him.
He'll have to give in."
But at the end of another day he
was still unconquered. It had grown
very dull and wearisome in the low
ceiled room, which had not so much
as a picture on the wall to relieve its
dreariness. Billy took exercise by
pacing up and down in his blanket
It seemed to him more dignified not
to bandy words with his wife. So he
maintained a stately silence when she
demanded, as she brought iu his
meals, "Ain't you about tired o' bein'
a fool, William?" which alarmed and
then nettled her. The heroine who
cried "Scissors!" with her last breath
was a woman after Eliza Barlow's own
heart. She never had abandoned a
position when she ouco had taken it
np, and this time a serious question
waa involved, for, with his suddenly
developed strength of mind and pur
pose, she did not doubt that if he es
caped he would carry out his object of
enlisting. That he might be rejected
because he was what the neighbors
called "a little tetched" never oc
curred to her, and it seemed to her
that her only chance of saving him
and herself from a repetition of those
terrible experiences of the sixties was
to keep him under lock and key until
the company had filled its ranks aud
departs d to joiu the distant army.
Mrs. Barlow shook her gray head
when she took away the soaroely
tasted supper tray on the evening of
the third day.
Poor old Billy was sitting listlessly
on the side of the bed a little later,
when he heard a wagon drive into the
yard. Theu the cheery voice of his
brother-in-law floated in through the
open window, inquiring for him.
"He ain't been able to get about
these few days. Been confined to his
room," explained his wife, with a
grim regard for the exact truth.
"Iwautto know! Guess I'll run
in aud see him. Rheumatiz, is is?"
said the sympathetic inquirer.
Mrs. Barlow's reply was inaudible.
Then Billy's quickened ears caught a
charmed word, and he listened breath
lessly, "I thought he'd get excited over
the war. Didn't know but he'd set
out to go. The company's about full.
They've got their orders and are ex
pecting to march to-morrow morning.
Well, ImuBt be off."
The wheels rattled away leaving the
prisoner in the spare room in desper
ation. The time had come when he
must make a bold dash for liberty if
he intended to follow the stars aud
stripes to the front, and the fog that
hung over his brain seemed to lift and
clear away for a moment, leaving him
to oonsider a plau as ooolly and calmly
as he had ever done in his life.
That he would drop from the win
dow without being more than bruised
was probable, for the turf underneath
was soft and spongy. But the possi
bility of making his way along the
road and down the village street iu
the blanket, or even the fringed bine
and white counterpane of the best
bed, without being observed aud ar
rested as an escaped lunatio, was dis
missed at once. He looked round the
room. A dungeon cell could not have
been barer. There was a closet
empty, for he had explored it care
fully in the tedious hours of his cap
tivity. Oh, no, not wholly eraptr,.for
laid away iu a drawer with sprigs of
lavender were his wife's Sunday
things.
Like a flash he had them out She
waa a large woman, and the black silk
skirt all but met round his waist, for
Billy had never succeeded in putting
on much flesh after his career in the
army. The sparerooin pinoushion
was well supplied, and if tho belt
wouldn't fasten, the gathers could and
did, by means of many pins. Over
his shoulders went the camel's'hair
shawl, that sacred garment never be
fore touched by hands profane, and
aftor a little hesitation, he concluded
to add the bonnet, laughing at the re
flection in the mirror as he perched it
on his head and tied the strings un
der his chin, rough with the silver
stubble of a three days' beard. An
embroidered veil depended from the
brim, and in this lay his safety, for
when he drew the capaoious shawl
about him and kept his great boots
uuder the hem of the skirt, he might
easily have been mistaken in the late
spring twilight for the figure that sat
on Sundays in the Barlow pew.
When his costume was complete he
wont to the window aud again sur
veyed the scene. All was clear. His
wife was in the kitchen at the other
side of the house. He let himself
slowly down and dropped to the
ground under the apple trees without
more serious damage than a three
cornered rent torn in his skirt, whioh
caught in the sill. In another minute
he was hastening along the turnpike
with giant strides towards the square
where the town hall reared its white
pillared front with the classic super
iority of a Parthenon. The recruit
iug bureau had closed for good and all
at six o'clock that day, but a group of
the newly enlisted were gathered , in
its neighborhood discussing the one
all-absorbing topic, conscious that the
events iu which they were abont to
take part were the making of history.
Excitement was in the air. The whole
village was charged with it.
All at once the little gathering was
startled by the sudden appearance of
a woman, tall, uncouth, ill-dressed,
who dashed hastily down among them
aud up the steps. of the hall, to beat
in vain upon the door that bore the
large official placard. When she had
convinced herself that her efforts were
useless she leaned back against the
doorpost with a stifled exclamation of
despair.
One of the young men in uniform
stepped forward and lifted his cap
respectfully.
"Madame," said he, "the office is
closed. Can I be of any assistance?"
The woman threw back her veil,
and there rose a loud murmur of sur
prise. "I wanted to join the compauy,'
declared a deep, masouline voice, and
a man's face full of trouble looked
out from under the black bonuet
from one wondering bystander to
another.
"It's Mis' Barlow's Bill," murmured
a lad, tapping his forehead iu a mean
ing way; "and by Georgo, he's got on
the old lady's things! He was in the
war, you know, aud I guess the sound
of the drums has completely turned
his head.
The captain was aimng the crowd.
Stirred by a generous pity, he went up
to the fantastic figure.
"The ranks are full," he said. "You
should have applied earlier."
"Couldn't," returned Billy, simply.
"Much as ever I'm here now. Mother,
she's dreadful set against my going.
She burnt up my clothes to keep me
to home. Been locked up three days,
Reg'lar blockade. But I got away, I
got away!"
The boys crowded round with de
lighted laughter at the news of the
first engagement of the war of 1898,
and the captain slapped the camel's
hair shawl on the back as its wearer
told the details of his eacape.
"Why, you are a historical person
age, man!" cried the former, merrily,
"and deserve to be escorted home by
a detail of soldiers. Come, fellows,
fall into line, aud we'll see that Mr.
Barlow gets back safely. You must
do duty as one of .the home guards at
present, sir, and be ready if a second
call for meu comes."
So, with au imposing military at
tendance, Billy returned to the little
' red house under the apple trees as
pleased and proud as a major-general,
his heart beating fast and his head
held high as he fell involuntarily into
the familiar marching step.
It was a droll sight as the black silk
skirt did its best to keep up with the
smart, blue trousered legs, and the
cavalcade made merry as it advanced.
Mrs. Barlow heard it approaohing,
and filled with presentiments hurried
to the door to behold a horrible carica
ture of herself trudging along in .the
centre or a squad of militia. For one
moment she felt faint and sick at heart,
then with a suddeu rush of certainty,
the truth dawned upon her, and tremb
ling, she ran down the path and met
the procession at the gate. She seized
Billy, and hustled him unceremoni
ously inside; and returning, still at a
white heat, addressed herself to the
captain:
"So you've got him in spite cf me!
Well, take him, if you want him. I
suppose his body's good enough to
shoot at if he ain't got any mind to
speak of. But it's a wioked, wicked
thing!"
Her voice quivered and broke.
The young officer grew sober in an
instant.
"You are mistaken, Mrs. Barlow,"
he said. "We do not want your hus
band. We are only bringing him home
safely to you, for he might well meet
with insult in such a dress. But don't
lock him up again. He deserves bet
ter things. He is a hero, and has won
the first victory of the war!"
With which perplexing speech the
men broke into now laughter.
"'Bout face! Forward! March!"
cried the captain, and they wheeled
away.
It was some time before Billy's ward
robe was replenished with .modern
garments, for his wife happened to
think of some of his old army duds put
awny in the attic, and to his intense
delight he found himself again wear
ing the dear old bine. The next morn
ing, when Company Q passed by on
its way to camp, he stood at the gate
in a ragged uniform which had been
on more, than one hard-fought field,
and when the men caught sight of him,
a ringing cheer went up for Billy Bar
low. Poor old Billy 1 He never
guessed the truth, but thought they
were cheering for the flag, and when its
stars and stripes went marching along
before his eyes again to the stirring
sound of fife and drum, he put his
grizzled head down on the mossy gate
post and cried like a baby.
And all the while, Mis' Barlow, with
set lips and ears that refused to hear,
Bat in the kitchen mending the three
cornered tear in her black silk skirt
It was a matter of history. Boston
Herald.
Dangers or Honesty.
Honesty, as well as the other thing,
has its dangers, as a certain Rosa,
nurse employed in the family of the
French Consul-General at London,
has learned to her cost. She happened
to find at the foot of tho Column Vea
dome a reticule containing a large sum
of money and some family papers. A
little embarrassed with her find she
took the bag to her master and told
him how she had found it. On his
advice she took it to the police station.
Meanwhile, however, a little by-play
had been going on. A passer-by had
seeu Rosa pick np the bug, aud, won
dering why she did not take it to the
police station, had advised the police,
who at once had commenced to put
detectives on the maid's track. What
was their surprise wheu Rosa horself
walked into the station, and what was
Rosa's alarm wheu she heard that a
warrant was out for her arrest. Gal
iguani's Messenger.
Long-Li veil Germans.
It is interesting to recall the ex
traordinary longevity of the three
founders of the German Empire.
William 1, was ninety-one, Moltke was
also ninety-one aud Bismarck was
eighty-three. But, indeed, all the
most illustrious Germans of the latter
half of the century have been long
livod. Rnnke was ninety-one, Curtius
was seventy-two, Mommsen is eighty
one. The poet Geibel was seventy,
Wagner wa seventy, Liszt, seventy
five, and the present Chancellor it
seventy-seven.
THE MERRY SIDE OF LIFE,
STORIES TOLD BY THE FUNNY MEN
OF THE PRESS.
Kiss Miss Origin of Popular Term
An Accurate Calculation The Author
of It Canoe Racing Why He Walked
An Abstract Noun, Etc., Etc.
"To kiss," said ho, "Is rapturous bliss."
"To kiss," quoth she, "necessitates s
miss."
"To ki9 amiss," protestod he,
"Is an aggravation;"
'To miss a kiss," responded she,
"Is poor navigation."
Origin of a Popular Term.
Laplander to Finlander: "I see
your Finnish."
An Accurate Calculation.
She "How many people were there
on the beach yesterday?"
He "One for every two feet."
The Author of It.
"I wonder who originated the
phrase, A limb o' the law.'"
"Oh! Judge Lynch, I suppose."
Philadelphia Bulletin.
Canoe Racing.
First Aquatio Youth "How was the
canoe race to-day?"
Second Aquatio Youth "Dull. Aw
fully dull. Only three upsets." New
York Weekly.
An Abstract Noun.
"Why do you call old Skinflint an
abstract noun?",
"Because he is soinethinng you can
think of, but cannot 'touch.'" Chi
cago Evening Post.
A Scarce Article.
"Bridget, I told you five times to
have muffins for breakfast. Haven't
you any intellect?"
"No, mum; there's none in the
house." Brooklyn Life.
Great Fall.
"And did he fall on his knees when
he proposed?"
"No, bnt he was bo rattled that he
stepped on the cat and fell on his
neck." Indianapolis Journal.
Wants Legal Aid.
"He sent her documents giving het
control of their child."
"Gracious! I wish I knew where
to obtain documents that would give
us control of our child!" Puck.
Why He Walked.
Witticus "Here's a funny thing."
Critticus "What is it?"
Witticus "Account of a mau who
walked in his sleep because he dreamed
he had no carfare." Ram's Horn.
Business Lunch.
"Young feller, this soup is seasoned
to death."
"Yes, sir. Every customer adds a
little seasonin' to it, I reckon. You
ort to git in earlier." Chicago Tri
bune. A Palpable Hit.
Osmond "Well, thank heaven,
you've never seen me run after people
who havo money."
Desmond "No; but I've seen peo
ple run after you because you didn't
have money." Life.
Not an Asylum Subject.
Stranger "That man is evidently
orazy. Why is he not put in an asy
lum?" Native "His property is so heavily
mortgaged that none of his relatives
want it" New Yqrk Weekly.
Challenged For Cause.
"I object to that man on the jury,"
shouted the lawyer for the defense.
"On what grounds?" inquired the
court.
"I'm the man that persuaded him
to get married." Detroit Free Press.
now She Knew.
"My wife doesn't play chess; but
she can always tell wheu a game is
growing interesting."
"How?"
"Well, she says the more worried
I look the more I'm enjoying it."
Puck.
The Reformer.
Bobby "A reformer is somebody
who wants to do something for the
people, ain't he, popper?"
Mr. Ferry "Sometimes he is, but
he is more likely to be a man who
wants to do things to people." Cin
cinnati Enquirer.
L'Knfant Terrible.
Caller (to child whose mother has
left the room for a moment) "Come
here to me, my dear."
Enfant Terrible "No, I mustn't do
that. Mamma told me I must stay
sitting in the chair, because there's a
hole in the cushion."
Is That It?
Littlo Edward "Papa, why do they
call those funny-looking, two-wheeled
carriages hansoms?"
Papa "I think it's because it takes
some han'some balancing on the port
of the drivers to keep from tipping
the horses up iu the air." Chicago
News.
Ranks Not Good Enough.
. Kind Old Party "Do you deposit
your savings iu the bauk every week,
my little man?"
Ned the Newsy "Naw; de bauks
ain't safe enough ter suit me. De
money I saves every week I packs in
barrels and dry goods boxes aud stores
'em away."
In Other Days.
"What wheel do you ride now,
Bearings?"
"The same as always, only this
year's make."
"And your wife?"
"Oh! she is riding some sort of
cheap wheel. I forget the name."
"But yon both used to ride aud
swear by the same make."
"Yes, I know; but that was before
we were married." Puck,
PUT TO FLICHT.
This hero of the conflict was a man of
valor rare.
He'd face a battleship with frowning guns
and never care.
He quietly commanded and was instantly
obeyed,
and when the foemen saw him they were
utterly dismayed.
His nerves would show no tremor in a
shower of shot and shell;
He kept bis self-possession as he struggled
long and woll.
In all his IK'e it never once occurred to him
to run
Until they'd signod a protocol and said that
war was done.
But in bis quiet office, where he scanned
bis pnpers o'er, .
& fearful pallor seized him when a sharp
knock shook the door,
and the messenger politely handod him a
lengthy list
Of the fair ones in the hallway who were
waiting to be kissed.
Washington Star.
HUMOR OF THE DAY.
Because a man has wheels it does
not follow that he is noted for his
graceful carriage. Boston Trauscript
"You are not printing much war
poetry now," said a caller to the ed
itor. "No; I have erected a trocha."
i-Judge.
"How does Mrs. Gargoyle come to
know bo much of the Gummey family
affairs?" "Gargoyle bought Gum
mey's parrot."
"How long does it take you to do
np a white ruffled skirt?" Laundress
"Generally about two washings,
ma'am." Life.
"Was your parting with George as
affecting as you expected?" "No; I had
a horrid cold-sore on my lip."
Cleveland Plain Dealer.
"Are the people well bred at youi
boarding house?" "Don't mention
it. We even havo to eat up the stale
pieces iu the forfc of bread pudding.'
- l love my work. It's loss would grieve,
I could not bear the sorrow.
Bo frugally I strive to leave
A plenty for the morrow.
Washington Star.
"There are ways and ways ol
breaking the ice," said the diner-out
"I once took a girl out to dinner
whose first remark to me was. 'Do
you talk or listen?' "Tit-Bits.
Sho couldn't stay but a minute.
And sho wouldn't sit down, oh, no;
But she kept our dinner waiting
A long hult hour or so. ,
Chicago ltocord.
Johnny had been playing around
the piano and had had a fall. "What
are you bawling about?" asked Bertie,
contemptuously. "It was the soft
pedal your head hit." Loudon Tit
Bits. Pruyn "Have you heard that hor
rible story about old Stifle being
buried alive?" Dr. Bolus (hastily)
"Buried olive? Impossible! Why,
he was onoof my patients." Roxbury
Gazotte.
"This," said Mr. Flitter, "is a pic
ture of the only girl I ever loved."
"How cleverly," said Miss Wyse, as
she looked at the portrait, "they do
get up these composite photographs!"
-Truth.
"We are in danger," said one Span
ish statesmau, "of sinking iuto obli
vion; of being almost forgotton by thfi
rest of the world." "Never!" replied
the other proudly. "We still have
our debts." Washington Star.
"I ofteu wonder," said Miss
Sprockot, "what becomes of the popu
lar songs. They are so soon forgot
ten." "They meet with a dreadful
fate," replied Mr. Spokes. "How is
that?" "Everybody murders them."
"Say," remarked the juvenile
philosopher to his father, "I've beeu
down watching the ducks in the water
to-day, and I've decided that if our
ears grew between our toes we could
swim just as easily." Adams Free
man. "Mother," said Miss Dollie Now
rich, "cau't father afford a seat in
Parliament?" "A seat?" echoed the
good lady, scornfully. "My dear,
your father is rich enough to have a
whole sofa if he desires it" London
Tit-Bits.
"General," exclaimed the subor
dinate officer in the Spauish army,
"what shall we do with these bundles
of typewritten victories?" "Hold on to
'em. Maybe Don Carlos will give ns
a chance to work some of 'era off yet."
Washington Star.
Wouldn't Miss the Chauce: ".She
says that he proposed to her, but that
they are not engaged." But they
knew her and they laughed loug aud
loud. "The only problem," they
said, "is to decide which of the two
statements is false." Chicago Post
Mrs. Nooritch "I suppose you
have noticed littlo Johnuie's awful
lapses iu grammar? I really must
keep him from the servants." The
Neighbor "Really? I was of the
opiuion that he had learned them
from his grandfather." Indianapolis
Journal.
As for the beautiful pariah, she
merely sneered. "Wretched neigh
bors!" she exclaimed. "They shall
yet come to me! Look, I have wealth!
I shall have a telephone put iu my
house! Ha, ha!" Oh, what a power
have riches to compel social recogni
tion. Detroit Journal.
Coal Humeri hy Stramnlilp.
The amount of coal consumed by a
vessol during a voyage depends very
largely upou the speed, for the con
sumption of coul increases almost iu
a geometrical ratio to the speed.
There are many ships which burn
fro'm 100 to 300 ton of coil per day,
tho lowest consumption beiug when
the vessel is going at a moderate rote.
Our men-of-war do uot consume so
much iu proportion as swift passen
ger steamers which ply betweeu Eu
ropo aud America, for, uuless iu an
emergency, they are not driven at the
highest attainable speed. The ocean
passenger steamers ofteu burn from
2500 to 3500 tons during a rasssgf
lasting six toseven days.