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VOL. XXXI. NO. 20. TIONESTA, PA., WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 31, 1808. 81.00 PER ANNUM.
R
ST
"After tbo torpedo boat destroyer
what?" nsks a Loudon paper. The
Gloucester.
With a few battleships as interpre
ters Admiral Dewey can make himself,
understood in any language.
It is perfectly safo to . assume that
the flap; of tho United States looks
remarkably baudsomo floating over
Santiago.
The chief imports into China from
the United States aro ootton goods,
cigars and cigarettes, flour, ginseng,
machinery, medicines, kerosene oil
and timber.
1 Heroes nro as thick as grasshop
pers in the army aud the - navy. If
tho hand of authority is laid upon any
cotumou-plnoo fellow unknown to
fame, he responds with some start
ling deed of valor.
The aggrogato of subscription for the
war bonds was $1,3(15,000,000. It is
interesting to comparo this fine large
sum of avnilnble cash with the scanty
coins which wero fished out of stock
ings aud old teapots by the people of
Spain.
The spectacle of Captain fllass be
ing obliged to courteously inform the
Governor of tho Ladroue Islunds that
Spain and the United Slatos were at
war before, demanding his surrender
imparts that touch of humor which is
rarely lacking in even the most tragio
occurrences. .
A little girl in Kansas City found a
pocketbook containing $130 in cash
and $300 in promissory notes, and
returned it to the owner. Instead of
sending hor away with the usual
thanks, accompanied with good ad
vice, tho owner presented her with a
fine bicycle. This action was a tan
gible acknowledgment of honesty.
General Miles ordered veterinary
. surgeons to acooiupuuy troops into
action, so that the sufferings of the
horses and mules injured in battlo
might be ended. That may seem like
a small matter, but it shows that in
small things, as iu great, Americans
are kind hearted, and it helps to mako
the world understand that we are really
capable of carrying on a war of hu
manity. According to conservative estimates,
nearly one-third of tho native popula
tion of Cuba perished during the three
years that have elapsed since the in
surrection was born. What does this
mean to the Cubans? It means pre
cisely what the loss of 20,000,000
Americans by battlo, disease and star
vation would menu to tho Republic.
It is a blow e pial in proportion, tri
fling as it may appear by comparison
of figures.
Tho New York Tribune observes:.
Homo German missionaries went to
China and got killed by a mob; where
upon Gormauy, by way of indomnity,
seized a Chinese port and the adja
cent . territory. And now a German
Consul-General, in an official report,
dwells upon tho dosirability of getting
still more Chiuese territory, and says
the easiest way to do so is to send
more missionaries! Talk about cold
bloodedness! That suggestion is
enough to send cold shivers down the
tpino of tho most heartless cynio in
the world.
Aocording to the revised roport of
the Census Hoard of the Russian In
terior Office, the Empire of the Czar
has a population of 129,000,000 in
habitants, of whom 94,000,000 are in
European "provinces. China alone sur
passes this nnmbcr, having from 350,
000,000 to 400,000,000 of population.
According to area, the provinces
which have tho greater populations
are Caucasia, with 9, 000, COO, and
Poland, with 9,500,000. Since 1885
the population of the Russian Empire
has increased from 103,000,000 to
129,000,000, or ot the ruto of over
1,500,000 a year.
Learned men have been discussing
the question for ages whether any
thing in the way of hospitals was
known to the ancients. Now it is an
nounced that one has actually been
discovered at Badeu, Gormany, con
taining fourteen rooms, supplied with
many kinds of medical, pharmaceuti
cal and surgical apparatus, probes,
tubes, pincers, cauterizing instru
ments and even a collection of safety
pins for bandaging wounds. There
are also medicine spoons in bone and
silver, measuring vessels, jars and
pots for oiutment, some still contain
ing traces of the ointment used. The
latest date of the coins found appears
to be tho reign of Hadrian, who was
Emperor A. D. 117-13S, from whizh it
is inferred that it was a military hos
pital. Verily there is nothing uaw
under the sun,
HE'S THE
Jim Thompson, he's the hired hand,
He's with us clean from spring to fall,
And through the wlntr, understand,
Thorn cold days whan tho wood's to haul;
lie rousts out earlv, hitches un
Thorn cly-bank mules, and makes 'em
stand
Till he ollmbs In and hollers "IIupl"
-Jim Thompson, he's the hired hand,
Jim Thompson he don't say much
As some folks do he's sorter slow
An' ylt he's got an awful clutch
In them nlr hand o' his, you know;
Tears like they're Iron, say, er steel,
An' come right down on you kerslap!
An' when they grip you, Booms they feel
Home tighter than a muskrat trap.
2K
! IN BALLAST.
81
Outwitting a Spanish Man-o'-War.
Dy GEOHGE
HAVE ofton won
dered whether it
would not be pos
sible to toll a tale
of marine adven
ture in fairly in
telligible lan
guage. All the
sea stories that I
have ever read
have been written
iu a kind of nau
tical jargon. So
I know, it may bo correct
enough, though upon this point I con
fess I have my doubts. Of course, we
aro all aware that every Englishman
is a born sailor aoircumstauco which
is conclusively proved by tho fact, so
well established on the Channel boats,
that no Englishman is ever seasick.
But I question very much if even
Britons can thoroughly understand
nautical terms, unless they have en
joyed the benefit of a special educa
tion, and I have, therefore, deter
mined to tell my little sea stories in
pluin, homely Euglish. "
I am quite aware that to somo of
my readers this may come as a disap
pointment. Only last night I told a
lady, a great frioud of mine, that I
wns going to make the attempt. Her
face foil.
"Oil," sho said, "wou't thoro bo'
auy thing about a belaying-pin?"
"Certainly not," I replied.
"I'm sorry for that," she said. "I
always attach so much importance to a
belaying-pin."
"What is a belnyiug-pin?" I usked.
"I'm not quite suro," sho answered,
with a littlo hesitation; "but I rather
think that tho captain uses it to stick
in his neocktie."
I don't pretend to know whether
she was right in hor conjecture or
not. But I shall not make uso of the
term. And I shall also avoid suoh
expressions as "Avast!" and "Ahoy!"
which always striko me as being par
ticularly offensive. I don't objeotj to
plain, commonsense words, such as
as mast aud deck; aud this, I think,
should be accepted as a guarantee
that the method which I propose to
adopt is not the outcome of more
wriggishness; but an honest endeavor
to make myself understood.
George Williams is a captain iu the
merchant service. I know him well.
At the time of which I am writing he
was a young officer, full of conrage
and resource, and, in spite of this, a
great favorite with his employers,
Messrs. Evans aud Harrison. He had
lately been given the command of a
ship oallod the Crocodile, and he
therefore went to see the owners, at
their oflicb in the city,, iu order that
he might receivo his instructions.
"Morning, Williams," said Mr.
Harrison.
"Morning, sir," said Williams.
"The Crocodile is to go to Naples
with a cargo of "Well, it doesn't
really matter what tho cargo was; it is
sufficient for my story that it was a
cargo of somothiug. George Williams
was quite satisfied, so we need not
trouble about it any further. Why
should we be bothered about matters
that do not concern us? Mr. Harri
son continued: "I don't think that
you will be able to find a cargo for the
return journey at Naples; so you will
have to come away from there in bal
last." I am obliged to use this term be
cause I know of no other that exactly
conveys the meaning that I wish to ex
press. But it is a most ridiculous and
misleading phrase. When a ship is
without a cargo, it has to carry some
dead weight to prevent it from being
too high out of tho water, and this
dead weight is callod ballast. And
then the sailors tell you that the ship
is in ballast. Of course, what they
really mean is that the ballast is in tho
ship, not the ship in the ballast. This
I belicvo to be the true explanation,
though I know it is dreadfully confus
ing. Mr. Harrison went on to say that
Williams would have to look into one
or two ports on his way homo on tho
chance of picking up a cargo. And he
named tho places at which he was to
call.
Then it was that a brilliant idea
struck George Williams. Coal would
be much more expensive out at the
foreign nations than it was in Lon
don. Why not take out sufficient for
tho whole journey, and nse it as bal
last before consuming it? I cannot
say that I think very highly of the no
tion myself. It seems to me that the
ship would be continually rising im
perceptibly out of the water, squeezed
up like au orange pip between one's
finger and thumb. But, then, I know
nothing whatever about such matters;
so possibly my opinion is not entitled
to much respect. Anyhow, tho sug
gestion commended itself to Mr. Har-
rison, and, between them, they de-
termined to adopt it,
'J-s:
far as
HIRED HAND.
Jim Thompson's this way can't ha
drove
An' don't set much on clothes or stylo;
IIo pit's 'round by the kitchen stove
'An smokes his old cob pipe a pile;
When anyone talks politics
Or how the 'lection's going to go,
An' how the country's in a fix,
Jim Thompson says: "D'ye reckon so?"
Jim Thompson, he's tho hlrod hand,
An' he can husk an' pitch nn' plow,
Er tell you what's tho best of land,
Er drive a team or milk a cow;
And If you ast lilm here some day
Jlst keerless-like, you understand,
'Bout who he was, he'd np and say,
"Jim Thompson, I'm tho hired hand."
Chicago Evening Post.
1
I
P. II AWT KY.
"There is one thing," said Will
iams. "We shall not be abio to put
all the coal into tho coal cellars."
"Coal collars" was not the expression
which Georgo actually used. He said
"bunkers." But such a word as that
would convey nothing to people who
had been carefully brought up, and I
should not think of employing it niy
belf.
"We shall have to put some of it in'
to the hold," continued Williams. I
am sorry to say you cau only have lit
tle slices of this conversation at a time.
It requires so muoh comment and ex
planation. The hold is that part of the ship in
which the cargo is put. It did not
seem to mo to have been quite the
proper place for coals. I only hope
that George was careful to have the
hold washed before tho next cargo
went in. It may have been fruit, you
know, or ladies' hats. However, I
have no wish to find fault. No doubt
George Williams knew his own busi
ness. Tho Crocodile made a successful
journey to Naples, aud the cargo was
landed thero. As Mr. Harrison had
foreseen, the Neapolitans had nothing
which they wanted to send back, and
so Georgo Williams begau the return
lourney with his ship in ballast. Ac
cording to his instructions he called
at Cartagena, a Spanish port, in the
hope of finding a stray cargo there.
As soon as ho arrived he went to the
custom house and explained that, as
he had not brought any merchandise
with him, thoro could not be any duty
for hiiu to pay. I think that this
showed great politeness and good
feeling on George's part, but I am
sorry to say, the custom house offi
cials did not meet him in anything
like a friendly spirit. They were not
coutent to accept his word, but asked
him to produco his papers. For
tunately, Georgo hafpened to have
these with him, and so he very kindly
allowed the chief custom house ofh
cer to look at thorn. A ship's papers
cive a number of statistics as to cargo.
destination aud so forth, calculated
to satisfy even the most inquisitive
mind. In the case of the Crocodile
the papots eoutained nothing that
George Williams did not know by
heart. So, after all, they might have
taken his word. As it was, however,
the chief custom house officer ex
amined the papers with an eye keen
to detect the slightest irregularity.
Among the first things to attract his
attention were those unlucky coals.
The quantity carried was evidently
far more than the cleverest captain
could have squeezed in the ship's coal
cellars,
"Ohol" he exolaimed, in excellent
Spanish,
Many writers in recounting a con
versation of this sort, would endeavor
to heighten the description by putting
in a number of Spanish words, and
assnming that their unfortunate read
ers understood the meaning of tuem
In my opinion this is bad art. I never
assume that my readers understand
anything. It is safer not to do so.
Therefore, although the custom house
officer spoke iu Spanish because he
knew no other language, and George
Williams got as near to it as he could,
I shall not give the conversation as it
was spoken, but carefully translate
every word,
"Oho!" said tho custom house
officer. "What is this?"
"Coals," said George.
"You have large cellars."
"Yes," said Georgo.
"But not large enough for all this
coal."
"No," said George.
"Where, then, have you put it?"
"In the hold," said George.
"In the hold! Aha! Then it is
merchandise. Yon are going to sell
it. It is smuggled! Your must pay
a fine.
"A fine!" shouted George. "What
for?"
"You have endeavored to deceive
the custom houso. You are a smug
gler! You will have to pay three
times tho value of the coal!
"I shall do nothing of the kind,"
said Georce.
"Then I shall put your ship under
arrest," said tho custom house officer,
And. sure euough, when George went
back to luncheon he found two Span
ish officials iu charge of the vessel.
The Crocodile was a prisoner until
the fine should be paid.
George Williams was annoyed. It
was bad enough to be fined when you
were guilty, but to be fiued when you
were innocent was simply disgusting.
Besides, the fine was a heavy one, and
if the owners had to pay it, their feel
ings toward hit might undergo a
chango. This would be unpleasant.
To pay the fine himself would be more
unpleasant still. What was to be
done? There was a Spanish mau-of-war
lying in the harbor, and George
knew that any appeal for help on the
part of the enstom house officials
would receive immediate attention in
that quarter. So he determined to
proceed with the utmost caution. He
sent for the engineer, and asked him
how soon he could get up steam.
The engineer replied that he could be
ready in about an hour's time. Yon
see this was really a most important
matter. If a ship's boilers are ouco
allowed to become cold, it takes, as a
rule, a good four and twenty hours to
get up steam again. But the Croco
dile's fires had been banked np, so
the engines could be made ready to
start again at comparatively snort
notice. Having given his instruc
tions to the engineer and mate,
George turned to the custom house
officials and commenced a fluent con
versation with them in his best Span
ish. He began by observing that he
thought he had been foolish; and that
it was useless to struggle against
properly constituted authority, aud bo
ho had made np his mind to pay the
fine. He then remarked that the en
gineer had discovered a leak in oue
of the boilers aud had been busy re
pairing it. IIo now wished to give
the ship a short run just to see if
everything was all riaht again. Pro
bably they would not object to this.
And he finished up by inciting them
to step down stairs into bis private
sitting room and drink a bottle of wine
with him.
Whether it was that these poor
Spaniards were guileless souls, or that
off er of a drink was ono that could not
be declined, I know not, but theinvi
tution was accepted with avidity.
Hospitality is one of George's strong
points, and it is needless to say that
he spent a dolightful time with his
two now-friends. After a while tho
steady, regular throb of tho engines
begau to make itself felt, but this in
no way interrupted the harmony of the
proceedings. Presently, however, the
merry little party was startled by the
boom of a gun. I hey all rushed up
stairs on to the deck.
The Crocodile was steaming as fast
as she could toward the month of the
harbor. George turned and looked at
the Spanish warship. An angry puff
of white smoke appeared on her side,
and the screeching of the shot as it
passed overhead told him that she was
really in earnest this time. One of the
unhappy custom house officers gave a
yell and leaped into the sea, where he
wns presently rescued by a friendly
boat. The other, having a distaste
for cold water, rau down stairs and
hid!
George Williams at once made his
way on to tho bridge. This is another
of those perplexing nautical terms. It
means a sort of perch near the middle
of tho ship, from which the captain is
accustomed to cive his orders. An
other gun from the warship, and this
time the shot fell into tho sea quite
close to them.
"Steward," said George, "fetch me
mv classes. You will find them on
the table in my sitting-room."
It was tho binocular glasses that he
meant, not the other ones. But there
was no time to explain, Fortunately,
tho steward was a clever man and un
derstood perfectly. He ran down
stairs, found the glasses and came
back as quickly as he could. While
he was makiug his way up ou the
bridge the warship fired again. Tho
shot just whisked off the steward's
cap, and passed on without doing
further damage.
A friend of mine lias asked me to
snppress this fact on the ground that
in u story of this kind some such inci
dent invariably occurs. There is a
great deal of force in this criticism,
but I cannot comply with my friend's
requoBt. I ftfol bound to tell the story
as George Williams told it. And ho
assured me that it was true.
The Crocodile had by this time got
clear of the harbor aud, though the
man-of-war continued firing for some
little time longer, none of the shots
took effect. But George Williams
knew very well that as yet he was by
no means out of his difficulty. He
had seen that tho Spanish battleship
was getting up steam as fast as she
could, and he was quito .aware that
once started she would gain upon him
steadily. So he steamed away west
ward as fast as his ship could carry
him. It was all in vain. Far away
in the distance a black smudge of
smoke on the horizon told him that his
enemy was in hot pursuit.
Hour after hour passed, while tho
Spanish warship came gradually nearer
and nearer, and George Williams was
enabled to experience those delight
ful sensations which all true sports
men declare that the fox so thoroughly
enjoys when he hears tho hounds in
full cry. At length Gibraltar ap
peared in sight. George, in his play
ful wny, told mo that he "made the
Bock." But, of course, this was only
his humorous exaggeration. George
is a high-minded gentleman, and iu
his more serious moments I have
never known him to deviate from the
truth except when he was talking
Spanish. Aud that is a language
which lends itself to allegory.
.When he was within a mile or two
of Gibraltar, George suddenly stopped
and allowed all bis steam to blow off
through something which, I believe,
is called the exhaust pipe. I have not
an idea what this is, but I do know
that the noise was simply hideous.
The captain of the Spanish battleship
very naturally concluded that the
Crocodile's engine had broken down
and prepared in triumph to seize upon
his helpless victim.
Meanwhile, George was making
signs to the lookout station at Gibral
tar. He asked for no sort of help. All
he said was
"Pleaso mako a noto of the exact
position of this ship, the Crocodile.
And the officer in command of the
lookout station very kiudly signalled
bark to say that he had douo so.
Then the Spanish man-of-war camo
uu in all her majesty, and immediately
took possession of th Crocodile.
There was nothing for George to do
but to submit, and so he and his ship
were taken back to Cartagena.
But directly they arrived thero,
George telegraphed the British am
bassador at Madrid to say that the
Crocodile had been illegally arrested
by a Spanish uian-of-war. For tho
sea within three miles of tho coast is
held, by international law, to belong
to tho nation which owns that coast;
and, as George had been within three
miles of Gibraltar at the lime when ho
was caught, his ship had been seized
iu British waters. He also sent a
similar one to Messrs Evans and Har
rison in London.
In matters of this kiud tho British
foreign office acts with great prompti
tude and firmness. They communi
cated at once with the authorities at
Gibraltar, who confirmed George's
statements in every particular, and in
less than forty-eight hours the Croco
dile was released. In addition to
this, the Spanish government had the
pleasure of paying twenty-five thou
sand dollars' damages for illegal cap
ture and detention.
And, strange to say, George Will
iams is still a great favorite with his
employers, Messrs. Evans and Harri
son. To-Day.
SCIENTIFIC AND INDUSTRIAL,
The heart weighs nearly twelve
ounces.
Milk is not rendered less favorable
to digestion by being sterilized.
Fine coal or slack coal has proven
vory effective in England as a filtering
material for sewage.
A person walking at the rate of four
miles per hour consumes 2300 cubio
inches of air per minute.'
Tho cost of fuel on steam railroads
is about ten per cent, of the operating
expenses and on electrio roads it is
about five per cent.
Tho Austrian Government serum
factory iu Vienna for the treatment of
diphtheria disposed of 30,434 bottles
of the remedy last year.
In Germany, 50,000 acres are used
for growi jg willows for basket-making,
and in Frauce willow culture is a still
more importaut industry.
A simple method of cleaning iron
from rust, suggested by M. Carl Her
ing, is to immerse it with a rod of
zinc in an acid bath, the two metals
being electrically coupled.
The tip of the tongue is chiefly sen
sible to pungent and acid tastes, the
middle portion of sweets or bitters,
while the back is confined entirely to
tho flavors of roast meat and fatty sub
stances. A French experimenter, Camillo
Dareste, has found that the germ in
the hen's egg is not destroyed by an
electrio current that would kill au
adult fowl, but that the germ is so
modified in most cases that a monstros
ity will be hatched.
The human system can eSdure heat
of 212 degrees, the boiling point of
water, because the skin is a bad con
ductor and because tho perspiration
cools tho body. Men have withstood
without injury a heat of 300 degrees
for several miuutes.
Waa a Highly Esteemed Friend.
"A Worcester man," says the Wor
cester Gazette, "who makes frequent
trips to Europe fell iu with a fascinating
stranger the last time he was across.
The stranger, who may be designated
as Ferguson, because that does not
sound at all like his real name, was an
American, his manners wero those of
a gentleman, and he seemed to be well
supplied with money and to know a
great many people worth knowing. In
conversation with the Worcester man
one day Forguson said: 'Worcester
is a charming city, aud I have somo
very dear friends there. I presume
you know Colonel E. J. Russell? He
is an old aud highly esteemed friend,
to whom I am deeply indebted for
many favors.' When the Worcester
man returned home he met Colonel
Russell one day, and iu course of con
versation remarked that he had met a
man in Europe who said that ho was
an old friend. Colonel Russell thought
for a moment, and then he replied:
'Oh, yes, I remembor Ferguson very
well. I ought to, for he lived with
me for seven years once. It was when
I was Warden of the State prison at
Chorlestown, aud I will say that Fer
guson was oneof the quietest and best
behaved prisoners that I ever had."'
A Welsh Kama Translated.
A correspondent of a London paper
says: "I met recently with a transla
tion into Euglish of the name of the
village in Anglesey which boast tho
longest name in the United Kingdom.
I send you a copy below, thinking it
may interest your readers:
Llan - fair - pwil - gwpn -Church
Mary a hollow whito
gyil - gogor - y - chwyrn -hazel
near to the rapid
drobwll - Llan - Disilio
whirlpool church (saint's name)
gogo - goch
eave red
that is, the Church of Suiut Mary
iu a hollow of whito hazel near to the
rapid whirlpool, mid to St. Disilio
near to a red cave."
htm km as lUit Catchers.
They appear to be turning suakes to
a good account in Brazil, for rats havo
become so abundant there that a do
mestic snake, the gihoyn, which has
about the circumference of the arm, is
sold in the marketplace in Rio Janeiro
to be kept in the house ns a protection
BgniflBt rodents. It would seem that
the serpent pursues its prey more for
the pleasure there is in it than from a
sense of hunger, since it is said it rare
ly eats the rats caught. Similar iu its
habits ami attachments to the domes
tic cat of our more Northern latitudes,
the giboya will, it is said, find the way
back to the house of its master even if
trausborted to a considerable distauca
THE MERRY SIDE OF LIFE,
STORIES THAT ARE TOLD BY THE
FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. ,
Silenced A Twofold Indiscretion Ml
apprehenslou The Mountain to Ma
liomet Ilia Command of Language
Oratory A llaselrss Appeal, Ktc, Etc.
The kicker was ready his findings to tell
Concerning his various woes.
For bis dinner was cold, and ill-tasting as
well,
And his bed was too hard for repose.
But his eye chanced to light on the papor
that night
Which told of the lnds far awny
And the life that they led in the thick ot
the fight,
And then he had nothing to say.
And the mercury rose to tho top ot the
glass
In the air that was heavy and still;
And be had to deduct when bis money he'd
pass
A share for the government till.
Existence seemed only a merciless moll,
With little to bid him be say;
With only new promise of troublo and
the kicker had nothing to say.
Washington Star.
A Twofold Indiscretion.
Benham "I made the mistake of
my life when I married you. "
Mrs. Benham "You mado the
mistake of both our lives." Town
Topios.
Ills Command of Language.
She "An editor has to havo great
command of lauguage, does he not?"
He "Oh, yes. He frequently or
ders four or five thousand words."
Indiauapolis Journal.
The Mountain to Mahomet.
Guest "What a cheap lot of china
she uses?"
Other Guest "Yes; she's determ
ined to make the servants pay for all
they break." Detroit Journal.
A Baseless Appeal.
Mr. Meeker "But, Philipena, yon
don't go the right way to work with
me. You should appeal to tho good
and noble in me."
Mrs. Meeker "You wish me, then,
to be silent." Life.
Mlaapprehennlnn.
Miss Bookleigh "Did you ever
read how in the war of 1812 the press
gang went about?"
Miss Gayleigh "No, dear; but how
lovely it must have been to livo iu
those days." New York Wor.'d.
Oratory.
"And is Bockford so much of an or
ator?" "Mn.n, he could describo a board-'
ing house dried beef supper in such
language that your mouth would
water with desire." Cincinnati Enquirer.-
The War to Win Her.
Auctioneer "Our man out thero in
the crowd bids up a dollar ou this an
tique bureau, but the women don't
seem to get interested."
Manager of .Sale "Tell the idiot to
bid up a quarter of a cent." Detroit
Journal.
Not Under False Colors.
Would-be rurchasor (to boy left
for the moment iu charge of stand)
"Say, sonny; what are you selling or
anges for to-day?"
Boy "Why, oranges, o' course.
Do you s'pose I'm sellin' 'em fcr kok
ernuts?" Puck.
Too llanly.
Coal Dealer (anxiously) "Hold onl
That load hasn't been weighed. It
looks to me rather large for a ton."
Driver '"Taiu't intended for a ton.
It's two tons."
Dealer "Beg pardou. Go uhead."
New York Weekly.
A Kpeaklng Likeness.
"Amie, dear," said hor dulcet
toned rival, "these latest photo
graphs of yours mako mo think of
Tom. They're just like hiin. "
"Why, you old darling! Where's
the resemblance?"
"They flatter you so."
On Only.
Inquiring Person "What timo did
the hotel catch fire?"
Fireman "Midnight."
Inquiring Person "Everybody get
out safe?"
Fireman "All except tho night
watchman. They eouldu' wako him
up in time." Tit-Bits.
Full.
"I feel like a store with a bargain
sale," groanod Tommy, as ho ap
proached from the direction of the
pautry, the immediate surroundings
of his mouth being a suspicious dark
red.
"What's the matter, my dear?"
"Jain insido." Detroit Free Press.
The Snapshot Again.
Miriam "Did you take the picture
of the young man ou the mantel?"
Mildred "Yes."
Miriam "Friend of yours, I sup
pose?" Mildred "Well, ho was beforo I
took the picture" Yonkers States
man. The reat I'se For Cent.
Cawkcr "My wife always buys two
stamps at a time so that she can get a
cent change out of the nickel."
Cum so "What docs sho want with
the cent?"
Cawkcr "Sho saves them ull until
she has five, nud then she pays her
streetcar fare with them." Atluuta
Journal.
Tp-ln-Date.
Tho Park Commissioner was order
ing a statue.
"I suppose," said the sculptor,
"that you want the warrior ununited?"
"Yos, yes, of course," replied the
spokesman. "Ho ought to be
mounted, unquestionably; but just
now you'd better confine your work
to tho figure of tho man, aud we'll toll
you later whether to put it on a horse
ur a bicycle."
LETJT BE.
Let be the river! What does It avail
' To struggle with the current's destined
course?
The strongest effort does but faint and
fall.
Skill yields, ont-tired, to resistless force,
The highest rock Is orerleapt by spray,
The silent waters fret each bar away.
Vainly ttp bullwark fashioned deep and
wide,
Now bed contrived, new turn by cuunlng
wrought;
Steady, resistless, onward flows the tide.
Each gathering wavo with gathering
purpose fraught.
Till, full and free, rejoicing In its strength.
It sweeps to ocean's mighty arms at
lougth.
Let be the river! Let the loved alono
To meet the fate, and shape the circum
stance.
Wo dream the future, fancying all our
own,
What does but wait the calfof time and
eliauc;
Foredoomed, the path before the pilgrim
lies.
The sunset lurking in the morning skies.
Let be the riverl Hail its rippling smile.
Listen to its song, nnd shiver to its sigh;
Let its chafed beauty weary hours beguile,
Wutch how it durkeus to tho darkening
ky;
We cannot cloud or brighten, speed or
check,
Nor alter on Us way tho tiniest beck.
Let be the river then! Where lilies float.
And blue forget-me-nots boside It shim
mer, Take gladness in Its suns' reflected mote.
And soothing mm its moonlights'
dreamy glimmer;
nappy if still your faltering footsteps
tend
Besidoits varying currents to the endl
All the Year Bound.
HUMOR OF THE DAY.
Mrs. Hoylo "There nre a few
leaves missiug from my cook book."
Mrs. Doyle "Your husband probably
took them."
Jones "Why do you say she re
minds you of brown sugar?" Brown
"Because Bhe's sweet but unre
fined. "Judy.
Absent-minded Professor (in the
bathtub) "Well, well, now I have
forgotten what I got in here for."
Fliegendo Blaetter.
Little Clarence 'Ta, what is the
difference between firmness and ob
stinacy?" Mr. Callipers "Merely a
matter of sex, my son."
"You threw a boot at your wife.'
"Well, sho threw her shoo at me.''
"Yes, but overybody knows how a
woman throws." Chicago Record.
First Cannibal "'That missionary
is certainly a first-class Bpriuter."
Second Cannibal "Yes; he'll make a
nice quick lunch for two." Facts.
"Rcpgio Littleton is suoh a con
coited thing," said Molly; "he called
me a man hater just because he heard
I didn't like him." Harper's Bazar.
He "I would givo the world for
you." She "Is that all? Why, you
offered that much before the war
raised prices. " Indianapolis Journal.
Spawker "Your wifo seoms very
foud of comraauding you to do this,
that and the other." Sutupon (sadly)
"Yes, it's her ruliug passion."
Fuu.
"Does'my whistling disturb yon?"
"Oh, not iu tho least. I'm used to
hearing men whistle. I'm a collector
for a millinery houuo." Brooklyn
Citizcu.
"Mine. Snipper has perfected a
wonderful inveution." "What is it?"
"A revolving hat; it works so the con
gregation can see all sides of it."
Chicago Record.
Boot Boy "I say, Sarah, w'otevcr
bo a crematorium?" Metropolitan
Maid "Oh, you are au ignorant boy.
Why, it's French for u milk shop, of
course." I'uuch.
'Mrs. Brown "I do believe that this
Oolong is half raspberry leaves." Mr.
B. "Shouldn't wonder. Sage is a
vary careful mau; invariably crosses
his teas." Boston Transcript.
"Yes, sir; the alligator swallowed
mo, boots and all; but a dynamite car
tridge I had in my pocket exploded
and blew the monster all to pieces!"
"But you ?" "Oh, I'm here!"
Atlanta Constitution.
She "You know very well that you
had to ask me three times before I
would consent to be your wife." He
"Yes, I know, aud that only goes to
show that it is sometimes possible to
be too persistent." Chicago News.
Jowoler "How was your boy
pleased with the watch I sold you?"
Fond Father "Very well, sir. Ha
isn't ready to have it put together yet;
but be patient. I'll send him around
with it in a day or two." Jewolers'
Weekly.
"Is your partner a mau of good
judgment?" asked an old frieud who
is in the city on a visit. "There,"
was the unctuous answer, "is a mau
of infallible judgment. He never
makes a move without taking my ad
vice." Detroit Free l'rcss.
"Whoro is your mother, Johnnie?'
"Playing golf." "And your aunt?"
"She is out on her wheel." "And
your fister?" "Slio is traiuing for the
football game. t'hen Ml see your
father, please." "He can't come down
now. lie is upstairs, giving the baby
a bath." Life.
.Wife (at the breakfast table) "You
aro without exception the most ob
stinate, ill-tempered mau I ever saw."
Husband "Why, my dear, what cau
you mean?" Wife (breaking down)
"Just because tho coffee happens to
bo vile for once, you declare that it u
ull right!" Truth.
"They've taken to embalming pet
dogs in tho East," ho said. "Ob,
isn't that just too lovely!" sho ex
claimed. "Thai's what I'll havo done
to Fido." "Just tho thing!" he ro
turued, suddenly growing enthusiasts
himself. "Give him to ino aud I'll
have it done to-day." Chicago Even
ing Post.
Thrre aro moie public holidays ia
Ilon .'.ulu, H.i.vaii, thau iu any other
citv iu tho wvrliL