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Forest Republican,
VOL. XXXI. NO. 18. T I ON EST A, PA., WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 17, 1898. 1.00 PER ANNUM.
In tlio lexicon of American gal
lantry, llobson spells Heroism.
The world's corn crop approxi
mates 2,200,000,000 bushels annually,
of which, the United States produce
eighty-two per cent.
Pathologists who believe in the
"circular iusanity" theory might with
profit study the intermittent cabinet
crises of Europe.
The masses in Spain are not proper
subjects of sympathy in the present
crisis. Any governmental change is
likely to meau a betterment of their
condition.
From descriptions of the dynamite
cruiser Vesuvius it is learned that her
guns, chargod with compressed air,
throw shells loaded with guu-ootton.
The dynamite part of the name is
merely expressive of the sensations of
the man who is hit.
The Hawaiiaus are more akiu to the
Papuan than to the Malay race. They
are a family of tho brown Polynesian
race, which iuhabits the Tonga, tb
Society, Friendly and Sumoan islands"
The New Zealauder aud the Hawaiiau,
although 5000 miles apart, can under
stand each other, bo similar is the
language, Tho original Hawaiiaus
are olive in color, with black, wavy,
glossy hair, large eyes, full lips and a
nose iuoliued to be flat. They are
poacoful, gentle, imitative and yield
ing The Berlin (Germany) sewor .sys
tem transports annually from sixty
million to seveuty million tous of
sewago for distribution over au area
of twenty thousand acres lying from
soven to fifteen miles beyond the lint
its of tbe city. Although tho cost ol
the drainage is about $25,000,000 a
year, the enormously increased furtil
ity of the laud makes it a paying oper
ation. Besides that, it is tho most
sanitary and Bcieutilio mode of dis
posing of the city's sewago.
t The regular . troops of the United
States army have done so exactly what
was confidently expected of them that
their splendid performances before
Santiago excited less comment than
did tho equally heroic deeds of Jhe
volunteers. We all accepted a) ft
matter of course that tbe regulars aud
their West Point officers would act up
to the highest standard fixed by tbe
history of their organization. But
matters of course should not puss
without recognition. All but three
regiments of tho army which accoin
pauied Shafter ere regulars, well
trained, perfectly disciplined, hardy,
intelligeutAmerican soldiers, officered
by men whose superiors are notfouud
iu the armies of the world. The work
of the regulars has proved this.
Spain's red and yellow banuer hai
beeu kissed by the suns and fauueu
by the breezes of every clime. Each
of the races of the earth has paid goto
into hor treasure vaults tho red
man of our own forest primeval, tbe
Malay of tho Southern seas, the Mon
golian Islanders, the natives of Africa
all of these have spent the sweat oi
their brows and the blood of tbeit
hearts to tbe profit and glory of the
kingdom of Spain. By the durjug oi
her navigators and the force of hei
arms Spain placed her flag at the foui
quarters of the earth, muses the New
York World. The lust of conquest lay
at the Spaniard's feet. Then come a
period in which over-confidence and
government prostitutions worked
hand in hand. One by one the col
onies proclaimed red-eyed revolution.
One by one the nation lost her neg
lected own. It has taken four cen
turies to do this three of them slow,
unprogressive centuries but time has
done his work well.
The famous English statistician,
Mr. Mulball, has mado estimates of
the wealth of tbe leading nations of
tbe world at the end of tbe year 1895.
His figures are as follows: United
States, $81,750,000,000; Great Britaiu,
$59,030,000,000; France, $17,950,000,
000; Germauy, $40,260,000,000; Rus
sia, $32,125,000,000; Austria, $22,
560,000,000; Italy, $15,800,000,000;
Spain, $11,900,000,000. The com
parative figures for annual earnings
are as follows: United States, $15,
580,000,00ft; Great Britain, $7,115,
000,000; Germany, $6,402,000,000;
France, $5,995,000,000; Russia, $5,
020,000,000; Austria, $3,535,000,000;
Italy, $2,180,000,000; Spain, $1,305,
000,000. It will be seen that the
United States leads all tho other na
tions in wealth and still further iu
annual earnings. Compared with
Spaiu, we have nearly seVen times an
much properly, whilo our annual
earning:) uro twelve times as much.
The difference in the average intelli
gence of the two nations is ove
greater.
THE FICHTING YANKEE TAR.
Tbe ships have changed, aud tbe guns have changed, but the spirit has altered not.
For the Inesons we learned-In the days long ago we eonned with each shrieking shot.
And In those days, where our frigates lulled, no matter bow near or far,
They made a name, and it's still tho same, for tbe lighting Yankee tar.
Our grandslros lived and our grnndslres fought with colors nailed to the mast,
I And we follow the lead. In the days now bore, they gave In the living past.
Laid yard to yard, they loved to tight where their cannon would leave their tear.
And they made the name, aud It's still tbe same, with the fighting Yankee tar.
For It's open wldo the twolve-incb breech, and "load" her with her shell,
Then "prime" her when yotf get the word, and see you "point" her wet,
"Heady oowl" "All hands stand clearl" until the word of ' Fire!" J
When the gunner jerks tho janyard taut for another funeral pyre.
Philadelphia Times.
THE WRECK OF
BY ONE OF
HE morning of
Maroh 14, 1889,
thero were seven
men-of-war and
many small craft
at anchor in tbe
Sauioan harbor of
Apia. Of all that
number, there
was only one ves
sel afloat thirty-
lix hours later.
The day opened with a murky aud
threatening aspect. "More's-tails"
floated bore aud there in tbe leaden
iky; the sea seomed disturbed aud
restless; the wind rose aud fell. By
lleven o'clock the clouds had gathered
tuto denser and darker masses, and
reached to the horizon; the mercury
(ell rapidly; the sea became more agi
tated, and tbe whitecaps' xese higher
lud faster; tbe wiud camo out fresh
Irom the northeast. It soon began to
shift against tbe hands of the watch,
l ml gave warning that tbe approach
lug storm would be circular, like a
whirlwind.
Before noon the signal was flyiug
from our flag-ship Trenton: "Send
iowu lower yards and bouse topmasts."
Immediately preparations were begun
du the Vandalia to ride out a heavy
gde.
Tbe light yards and masts were sent
down; the topmasts wore housed; tho
lower yards wero lashed across the
tbip's rail, aud tho topsail yards
cross the topi; tho guns were secured
for sea; everything movable about
tho decks was lashed; tho boats wero
rigged iu; chain was veered to two
mchors and steam was raised in all
the boilers.
By four o'clock in the afternoon the
wind had backed arouud through
thirty-two points ' of tbe compass,
travelod to tbe right to east-northeast,
and backed again to tho left to north
aorthoast, from which direction it con
tinued to blow eveu more furiously
whilo tbe storm lasted.
Darkness came early and settled
down over a wicked sea, tbe angry
waves breaking into seething foam as
ibey dashed over the hidden reefs and
rushed heavily past the laboring ships
tugging at their moorings. By half
past eight o clock the wind had in
creased to hurricane force,, and the
Vaudalia's third and last serviceable
auohor was let go.
The souh were ruuning higher and
higher. About ono o'clock a heavy
wave broke over the forecastle, carry
ing away tbe catamaran which was
hoisted ubove the rail and sweeping
the deck. The waves camo heavier
aud faster, aud tbe old ship, now high
on the crest of some lofty billow,
now pitched violently into its depths,
was slowly dragging her auchors. Tbe
ingiucs wero kept going with all tbe
power they could develop, but they
wero not a match for the roaring sea
and the howling wind.
The ship pulled and jerked at her
3hains, jarring and shivering as tbe
strain came violently on them, and
many weary men, tossed here aud
there in their bunks and hammocks,
longed and prayed for the day; but
they were not to wait in their
wretched beds till daylight, for about
three o'clock a furious wave btoke
heavily over the ship and rushed vio
lently below.
Instantly the command from the
captain, "All hands on dock I" brought
up every man just as he come from
his berth, or at most wearing only a
pair of trousers and a shirt, or a blouse
and shoes.
At last tho day stole over tho temp
estuous scene, but it brought little
comfort to tho anxious watchers.
Never shall I forget the awful picture
of confusion and disaster that Bpread
out before me in the faint dawn. To
windward nothing could be seen, for
raiu, wind and spray swept over ns
in stinging gusts and sheets. Over
bead occasional clouds scudded across
the dull, thick, leaden sky; high aloft
flew the white foam as the seas dashed
angrily against the ship's sides; off
to leeward floated dense black masses
of smoke, as the firemen in the swel
tering stokehold stirred the fires into
greator activity. All around us
seethed the tumultuous seas, and not
far away the snow-white breakers
flung themselves with ominous roar
ing upon tbe hidden coral reefs.
To leeward lay the other ships, ex
cept the Trenton and those that had
already gone down, rolling, pitching,
dragging, surging in that waste of
waters, now strewn with wreckage in
every direction. A sailor, washed from
some lost or struggling vessel, would
occasionally float by, look appealingly
up to us beyond his reach, and pass
out of sight forever.
The weather-beaten and dismantled
war-ships, laboring heavily, their
masts swaying sullenly back and forth,
with rigging adrift and trailing, with
colors whipped into shreds and tat
ters, seemed each like some proud ani
mal brought at last to bay, but
struggling fiercely for life aud mas
tery. On moment a vessel would ap
THE VANDALIA.
HER CREW.
pear to be overcomo iu the mighty
deluge; tbe next it rose triumphant,
shaking off its foe; then, shivering iu
every timber and pouring forth huge
volumes of black smoke, it would
plungo blindly as if to destruction.
Tbe sailing vessels aud smaller
craft soon sauk or drifted helplessly
upon the roefs. Thus had gone down
the Eber, cut in two by her German
consort, the Olga. There was a re
Bounding crash, a splitting of frames,
a heavy jar and a mighty tremble; the
bow . aud stern separated, and all
bauds ou board half of the crew
were engulfed. Four, by a miracle,
driited alive to the shore.
Tho Adler, another Gorman ship,
lay ou hot beam-ends on tho western
reef, a sad illustration of the fury of
the waves. Hard was the fate of her
crew. Some, uuable to escape, as the
waters rushed back aud forth from
her lower hold to tbe reefs along her
under sido, died instantly. Rows of
meu, more fortunate, lined her upper
rail and beam, clinging to the bul
warks aud trailing riggiug; but many
of them, unable to endure the seas
that broke over them and hammered
them against the sides, wero swept
overbourd, to be pounded to death
upon the reefs.
Tho Amcricau Nipsic, after a short
straggle, was forced upon tbe sandy
part of the beaob, fortunately for her
crew, and all hands were transported
to the shore over a life-line, except
seven poor fellows, lost within au
arm's reach of safety by the capsizing
of a bout.
Three hundred yards directly to lee
ward of tho Vaudalia luy the power
ful aud modem British Culliope, mak
ing a doBperate struggle, under a full
pressure of steam, to keep up to her
anchors, but falling back inch by
inch toward the wostern reef. The
Olga was no . here, now there, but
always to leeward, plunging madly
against the seas, but unable to escape,
aud drifting slowly toward the peril
ous reefs. And wo, in that deadly
dawn, were drifting toward our own
destruction.
Out of sight aud to windward was
tho Trenton, carryiug our brave ad
miral. She, too, was lighting a des
perate light, as tbo water surged
through tbo hawse-pipes and rushed
below, putting out her fires.
It is ono thing to face death in a
battle, with nu enemy against whom
ono can exert the human pjwers. It
is another to stand calmly and feel
oneself steadily going the way of thoBo
he has already seen sink beneath the
merciless waves; but be it said to the
everlasting glory of tbe Yandalia's
crow, as the ship drifted on to de
struction, they showed no despair,
but urged her to all the power she
could muster, and bent themselves at
tbe pumps and relieving tackles as if
strong in hope. They would die
striving, if die they must. That is
tho spirit of heroes.
At a critical moment the tiller
ropes parted, and we lay exposed to
tho full forco of the tremendous sea on
our broadside. To add to the confu
sion, the glass aud crockery had been
hurled across the cabin, and rolled
back and forth iu shattered pieces,
with the water covering the cabin
floor. Here, with apparently no
thought for such trifles as broken
glass in the bauds and feet, with no
feeling for pain, the brave sailors
tugged at the relieving tackles; but
despite all efforts, the poor old ship
showed she could never survive tho
fight; and other forces besides the
elements were to be reckoned with.
The British Calliope had forged
very slowly ahoad, and was struggling
to get to sea. She was now only a few
yards astern of us, and she must keep
head to sea. We were slowly drifting
back toward her.
On tho aport baud, aud only a few
yards away, w. Uowed tbo German
Olga, seemingly unmanageable. Sud
denly she pluuged forward, aud her
white bow struck the Vaudalia's side.
All stauding at our posts, we thought,
"Has the end come?" She scraped
along our side, carried away it
boat, freed herself, and held her own,
whilo the bruisod aud battered Van
dulia fell off to leeward.
We had scarcely time enough to
feel thankful for this fortunate escape,
when tbe cry of "Clear the poop
deck!" rang out, startling every one
within range of the voice. At the
mainmast I stopped aud looked aft. I
can find no words to describe the be
wildering thing I saw.
A large wave swept past, dropping
the Vaudalia's stern deep into its hol
low, aud raisiug tbe Calliope's bow
high in mid air. Tbe mighty mass of
iron towered above our tottering craft
as if to fall upon her aud crush her to
atoms. Iso man left his post, bnt 'nth
sot teeth and bated breath awaited the
crash.
A few short seconds, and then a
shout of joy went up to Heaven, while
the overhanging mass, as if guided by
the invisible baud of divine Provi
dence, rolled clear; but an instant
later she came against onr starboard
quarter, carried away the upper rail
and mizzen rigging, and crushed in
the quarter-galloryjtheu freed herself,
aud steamed very slowly out of the
harbor into the open sea Yankee
sailors, doomed to destruction, cheer
ing her to their own immortal glory, as
she fought forth to safety which they
could not share.
In tbe meantime we were drifting
nearer aud nearer the reef. Tbe ship
could not possibly live much longer,
nor could we help' her. Many meu
had beeu iu the fire-room all night.
Others had worked for hours it the
pump aud the relieving tackles. There
is a limit to human endurance, al
though the limit is very high, and ono
by one the nen were forced, by sheer
physical exhaustion, to leave the
sweltering stoke-hole, being relieved
by volunteers from the deck.
About eleven o'clock tbe Vandalia
was not fifty feet from tbe reef, and
absolutely at tbe mercy of tbe waves,
only one anchor still dragged. 'The
Others had been lost by tbe parting of
the cables; and though every man
struggled on as well as tbe waning
strength could sustain his efforts, it
was evident that our ship was doomed.
There was yet ouo chance to Bave
the crew. The last cable was slipped,
and tbe ship, steaming at her best
speed, headed for tho sandy beach
near tbe mouth of tho Vaieigauo River.
Tho course was almost broadside to
the sea, aud the old Vandalia made
more leeway than headway. Drawing
too much water to clear the edge of
tbe reefs, we struck two' hundred
yards from the beach.
On this shelving reef, the ship listed
to leeward and began to settle. The
seas swept over her iu torrents. In
twenty 'minutes she had filled with
water. The waves broke many feet
above the main deck, and two hundred
and twenty men rushed for safety into
the rigging.
The old ship swayed and groaned in
every timber as the waves rushed
madly against her- and rushed below.
Ladders, hammocks, chosts, hand
spikes, spars and rigging floated off to
join the general wreckage.
Ou shore the brave natives aud the
officers from tho Nipsio patrolled the
beach in sight of their comrades cling
ing to the sinking Vandalia. They
tried again aud again to launch a boat
in the vaiu hope of getting a line to
the sbif ; but no boat could live in such
a Bea.
As we clung to the rigging and
cowered iu the top, aud gazed over tbe
Btoriny Bieue, we saw nothing to eu
courage or cheer us. The wind
showed no siga of abating; the sea
gave no promise of mercy. There
was no hope of suecor. Still many of
the officers and crew looked cheerful,
but tho cheerfuluess was forced and
only indicated tho spirit that will not
cower before any fate.
As the afternoon wore slowly away
the loss of strength b.egan to tell on
the men in the riggiug. One by one
the faint and weak began to drop off
into tbe sen, some wrenched from the
shrouds and stays by tbe angry waves,
some swept from tbe deck while at
tempting to change their positions.
Others, uuaware of the treacherous
undercurrent aud overestimating their
skill and strength, made efforts to
swim to the Nipsio closo by, or the
beach, a short distance beyond. Some
of these sank beneath our eyes. Others
would battle long, only to be finally
caught by tbe uudertow and carried
out to sea; but few of all reached
shore.
Our captain, faint from a wound on
the head and uuable to reach tbe rig
ging, stood ou the poop-deck clinging
to the iron rail. By his side stood a
marine who had not left his captain
since eight o'clock in the morning. It
was touching indeed to see the man's
devotion as the waves broke over the
two.
An officer high in rank stood on the
mizzeu riggiug.saw them, and realized
their danger. Ho jumped to the deck
and made for tbe captain's side.
He missed his goal, was struck by
a monster wave, aud swept headlong
down through tbe cabin skylight into
tho surging, foaming pool that flooded
tbe cabin.
Prosently, as by a miracle, he rose
from the watery tomb, regained tbe
deck aud struggled to tbe rigging
again. Then he turned and saw that
the captain aud his faithful marine had
beeu swept off by tho selfsame wave
which had struck him down.
Now this marine was. but one of
many bumble men whom I saw freely
venturing auJ frequently giving up
their lives to save injured officers or
weakened comrades in that dreadful,
heroio day.
Helpless men floated amid the wreck
age. Everyone onboard was drenched
aud cold. Not a bite of food had
passed our lips for twenty-four hours,
aud the strongest of tho crew needed
more than excitement to sustain them.
Many of them were almost naked.
The situation became desperate as
night began to settle down, and one by
one we wore dropping off into the
waves or beiug washed away, some
reaching shore on a piece of wreck
age, but many going out to sea with
the swift and treacherous undertow.
The Nipsio lay about fifty yards or
more distant. A line to her meant
possibly safety for all of ns.
A quiet young seaman named Ham
mar unrovo the signal halyards. In
one end he made a bowline which ho
placed over his body. Leaving tbe
other end free and ou tbe ship's deck
he plunged into tbe ragiug sea. He
was never seen after he struck the
water. The current caught him and
sucked him under.
No tomb or headstone marks the
sailor's grave, no epitaph tells how he
died; but a memory of him will always
live in tbe hearts of those for whom he
died.
Another sailor, Johnson, equally
brave and more fortunate, made the
nine effort. He never reached the
Nipsic, but miraculously reached the
shore.
A third man, a brawny fireman,
after studying the currents carefully,
threw off the few remaining stitches
of clothing which he wore, leaped
boldly overboard and struck out
bravely for the Nipsic.
A shout went up as he reached her,
and drew himself on board; but he
carried no rope from the Vandalia,
so his herculean efforts availed ns
nothing.
Still we clung on, one httudred and
fifty of us, faint aud weary, awaiting
our end as the darkness settled around
us.
But God had willed that we be
spared. About half past seven in the
evening we saw the dim flicker of
lights to windward aud gradually
drawing nearer.
A few minutes later a dark, heavy
mass brought up on our wiudward
side with a crash. It was the Trenton 1
and what remained of the Vaudalia's
crew swung themselves quickly on
board of her.
Ere the last man of us had left the
Vaudalia's slackened rigging, tbe
main aud mizzen masts of our once
gallant ship toppled into the sea, com
pleting her destruction. . All that re
mained of her was a sunken hulk,
over which still floated the Stars and
Stripes.
The Trenton's lower decks wero
under water, and her stern pounded
heavily upon tbe reefs far into tho
night, but the buu rose clear and
beautiful over a sea of perfect calm.
In its day of fury forty-three of our
comrades and more thau one hundred
others had been destroyed, with a fleet
of costly ships.
Now it was Sunday; and the four
hundred and fifty persons on the
Trenton her own crow and what re
mained of the Vaudalia's were trans
ported to tbe shore, where memorial
services were held for the departed
souls of the brave. Youth's Com
panion. devices For Detaching Horses.
Of late quite a number of inven
tions have beeu put out, the object of
which is to detach a ruuaway horse
from tho vehicle. Many advantages
are claimed for this idea iu its various
forms. A careful overlooking, how
ever, of the subject does not warrant
very much enthusiasm as to tbe inven
tion. In tbe first place, no horse
should be allowed to rnu away. This
assertion does not, of course, apply to
sudden accidents or frights where
horses ore sure to become unmanage
able almost on the instant, aud may
overturn or plunge into any obstruc
tion before tho driver has time or op
portunity to got them under control.
The idea of suddenly detaching the
horse at full speed is a most unprac
tical one. If the vehicle were ruuuiug
ou a tramway where tbo momentum
would carry it only iu a straight line
this might do. It would be on tbe
same principle of breaking tbe coup
ling of a car. But ou any ordinary
road, however good, a wheel of the
vehicle might, whilo still goiug at a
high rate of speed, strike a stone oi
any trifling obstruction aud throw it
out of lino, precipitate it into a ditch
or capsize it altogether.
Iuexporionced horsemen are warned
against any device that professes tc
bring safety by detaching the horse
when at a high rate of speed. If one
were likely to run into tbe ocean,
down an embankment or into a rail
way train, the detaching device might
be of benefit, but the chances are that
it would precipitate a calamity instead
of averting it. New York Ledger.
An Archivologlral Discovery In Greece
A now Pompeii was discovered some
time ago at Pyrene, in Greece, and the
work of excavation, which was aban
doned for a time on account of lack of
funds, or some such reason, has been
taken up again with renewed vigor.
The whole plan of tbe little town, which
has been preserved almost as marvel
ously as Pompeii, is being laid bare.
Up to the present time no Greek town
has been so well excavated, it is said.
All the streets are intact, with their rowt
of houses ou each sido. A Temple ti
Minerva has been discovered, founded,
legend says, by Alexander the Great,
and there are great hopes that soon
tho theatre will bo uueurthed. In
Switzerland, too, archaeologists have
beeu at work. At Geneva workmen
engaged on repairing the Tour do 1'Ile
came across a bronze sword iu excel
lent preservation. From tbe descrip
tion the weapon seems to date from
tbo latter part of tbe Bronze I'eriod.
It has now been deposited in tbe local
archaeological museum. Sun Fran
Cisco Argonaut.
What Dewey's Ancestors Ill.
Somobody has dug out of "Jen
nings's History of Vermont" au enter
taining story of Admiral Georgo's
godly ancestor, tbe Rev. Jcdediab
Dewey. It seems that the Rev. Jcde
diab was holding services iu honor of
the victory at Bennington, aud, as was
right and proper, was giving Provi
dence all tho credit for the triumph oi
the American urms. Etbau Allen,
who was present, chafed under this
negloot of his owu part iu the battle,
and, rising in his pew iu the middle
of the "long prayer," as it was called,
said: "Parson Dewey, Parson Dewey,
Parson Dewey." The clergyman
stopped aud opeuod his eyes. The
Intrepid Allen went on: "Please men
tion to the Lord about my beiug
there." Not daunted by this out
rageous interruption, the holy man
thundered: "Sit down, thou bole
blasphemer, and listen to tbe word ol
God." Philadelphia Record.
Itedeetnlng NHliarit Desert.
No fewer than 12,000,000 acres o"
laud have beeu made fruittul in thi
Sahara desert.au enterprise represent
iug perhaps the most remarkable exam
pie of irrigation by meaus of artesiai
wells wbiiJi cau a.uy where bo fouud.
THE MERRY SIDE OF LIFE.
STORIES TOLD BY THE FUNNY MEN
OF THE PRESS.
t he Ithymester's Joy Hard Lines Tom's
Dellnltlon of a Calf Sntli Impertin
ence A Dangerous Undertaking The
Test The l'lalii Kenton, Etc., Etc.
Here's the man we're looking after,
Nitmo that rhymes with merry laughter,
Name that rings to sounding rafter;
Knitted at Fume and gaily chaffed her,
Kissed bis hand and sent a waller,
Doldly put himself abaft her;
lihyuiesters never would get daftcr
Had they easy .narks like Shatter.
Cleveland Plain Dealer.
Tom's Definition ol Calf.
Teacher "What is a calf, Thomas?"
Tommy "If you please, ma'm, a
calf is a cowbeforo it's acow, ma'am."
Harper's Bazar. .
Hard Lines.
Soph "I've taken to writing for a
living, lately."
S aior "Has tho old man answered
anyof your letters?" Boston Courier.
Much I in perl I nonce!
"You love Harry and yet you bave
rejected him."
"Well, he bragged to me that he
never made a mistake about girls."
Chicago Record.
A Dangerous Undertaking.
"Miss Gimp, would you pray for me
while I was eugagod iu a daugerous.
undertaking?"
"Yes, Mr. Jumbles."
"Well, pray for me while I propose
to you." Chicago Record.
The Test.
Bachelor "How do you like mar
ried life?"
Newlywed "Ah, Jack, you dou't
nuow what you're missing that is,
unless you count your wad every night
ami morning, aud that's meau."
Judge.
Unusually Cautious.
Mrs. Milliken "George, if I should
die, how long would you promise to
remain Bingle?"
Mr. Milliken (cautiously) "What
is tbe shortest length of time you will
consider as an inducemout." Detroit
Journal.
ltlvul For the Centipede.
Teacher "Tommy Taddlcs, what is
a centipede?"
Tommy "It is a creature with a
hundred feet, ma'am.
"Name another mauy-footed ani
mal." "A gas meter." Town Topics.
Dying.
"I Bball die with my boots ml ' he
cries.
Drums are beating; flu llutter;
multitudes cheer aud woop al e.'aatoly.
"I shall certaiuly die unlist I get
them off soon !" he groans; for he is
uot used to parading in military boots.
Puck.
A Murderous Suggestion.
Papa Titian "Docs thatyoungman
you've been keeping company with
tor the past yoar or so intend getting
married or remaining single?"
Polly Titian "He's on tbe fence,
papa."
Papa Titiau "Throw him over,
then!" Puck.
Fastidious.
Photographer "That woman who
just weut out was very hard to please.
She selected tbe first proof 1 gave
her "
Friend "Cull that bard to please?"
rhotographer "Yes; she eat for
soven more before sho made up her
mind." Puck.
The l'laln Iteason.
Sho had just boeu statiug her rea
sons for refusing bis hand. "I bopo,"
she said, "that I have mado mysolf
perfectly plaiu."
"No, I cauuot say that you have,"
he replied. "I I think nature had
something to do with it." He exits.
Philadelphia Bulletin.
A Case In I'olnt.
Teacher "Tommy, tell mo the
meaning of tho word 'excavate.' "
Tommy "It means 'to hollow out. ' "
Teacher "Correct Next boy givo
me a sentence containing that word."
Willio Jones (hesitatingly) "When
pa puts me on his knee aud takes off
Lis slipper it's a sure thing that I ex
cavate." San Fraucisco Examiner,
Somnambulist lloreliitious.
"Private Quickstep didu't tell the
truth when be said ho wasn't mar
ried," said ouo officer.
"llave you information to tbe con
trary?" inquired tbe other.
"No. But he was walking iu his
sleep last night, s" 1 when we asked
where he was goii . lie said 'to put tbe
cat out and sue if tho basement door
was locked.'" Washington Star.
Mlsiaken.
Artist (showing his latest picture to
a friend) "What do you think of it?"
Friend "Admirable very realistic
brilliant technique it actually
makes my mouth water!"
Artist "Why, what do you thiuk it
represents ?''
Friend "Represents? Still life, of
course scrambled ejjgs in a frypun."
Artist " Scrambled eggs, you
blamed fool I It's a sunset iu the
desert!" Heitere Welt.
A Successful Acquirement.
First Successful Business Man
"I had only a common-school educa
tion, but I found it sullu'letit. You, I
believe, were a college graduate?"
Second Successful Business Mun
"Yes; graduated with high honors,
too."
Firsts. B. M. "Now tell me truly.
Did you ever find auy piactical use
for what you learned at college?"
Second S. B. M. "Urn yes. One
night, when burglars gut into my
house, I scared theiu off with a college
vail "Vw Vnrt
LATE LOVE.
Loe .!.-im? .o mo through tbe gloaming!
TM-) dew on his wings lay wot,
Aud ilio voice of ills witful greeting
Was weary with old regret.
'O heart." he sighed at my casement,
"Must I wait for a welcome yet?"
lie had come with the early roses,
In thu g-ilditu shilling of morn;
Hut I asked a gift lie hestowed not
A ll'iwer that hears no thorn
So, through the glarrof tbo noontide,
Ho iefl me, to toll forlorn.
And now iu life'.- t, n iit evening.
When long aro the shadows cast
He eotnos with the few pale blossoms
Ho has saved (roin a hungry past;
4u I Into my heart unquestioned
I talto him to rest at last.
il. L. Murtvn.lu CIiHinherV Journal.
HUMOR OF THh DAY.
"Women rule ns with a rod of iron.
"Y03 jurliug irou."
Photographer (to captain iu his new
nniforni) "Look fierce, please."
L'iuciunuti Euquirer.
"My Lord," said tho foreman of
au Irish jury, when giving iu his ver
dict, "we liud the man who stole tbe
mare not guilty."
"I believe he thinks more of her
money than be does of her." "Yes:
Ho always ha I such good taste."
Detroit Free Press.
Little Mary (sobbing ou mamma'
ahoulder after a scolding by papa)
"Mamma, don't you just wish we had
never married papa?"
Grandmamma "What are you do
ing iu tho pantry, Tommy?" Tom
my "Ob, I'm just puttiug a few
things away, gran'ma!"
"Gooduess! I don't see how Mrs.
I'ennypurse can stick ou so many dia
monds." "Easily enough. They're
paste." Brooklyn Life.
"What did she say? ' "She said
she'd file my proposal with all the
others aud consider it when she got
down to it." Harpor's Bazar.
"You can always judge a man by
tbe company bo keeps." "That's
pretty tough ou the warden of the
penitentiary." Detroit Free Press.
Hotel Proprietor "Wo have an
orchestra to play during meals.'
prospective Guest "The favorite air
should be 'Hail to the Chef.'"
Puck. "Don't you ever get a vacation,
Hopper?" "Yet; tbo clerk iu our
jllico who makes puns goes away fot
two weeks every summer." Chicago
Tiuios-llerald.
Ho "That vessel out there is hug
ging tbe shore closely." She "Yes:
aud I regret to say thut at this mo
meut tho situation is unpuralleled."
New York World.
"How is your wife?" "Urn, hei
head baa beeu troubling her a good
deal this year.'N "Sick headache?"
"Not exactly. She keeps wantiug a
new hat every four weeks."
"Pupa," said Freddie, "the Span
iards cull us Youkce pigs; why don't
wo call thorn some horrid name?"
"We do," ouid little Tim. "We call
them Spaniards." Harper's Bazar.
Husband "Do you realize that
your clothes have cost me over $2000
during tbo last year?" She "It was
all doue bocause I wanted to look well
boforo you, dear." Detroit Fre9
Press.
Mrs. Caudle "Wake up, Jeremiah!
I do believe there's a man in the
room." Caudle "Yes, deur; aud he's
trying bis best to get a few winks of
sleep. Good uigbt." New York
World.
"An urmy nurse has to be at least
twouty-iivo years old!" Tbe brave
girl quuilod. "They must think
we're dead anxious to be nurses!" she
exclaimed, much perturbed. Detroit
Journal.
Aged Millionaire "Aud you refuse
me?" Miss Boatiti "I am sorry, sir,
but I cannot bo your wife." "Is it
because I am too old?" "No. Be
cause you are uot older." Now York
Weekly.
Edith "It requires lots of courago
for Laura to go away as au army
nurse." May "Ob, I dou't kuow.
There are few men to bo found auy
wbere else." Philadelphia North
American.
"Say, pa," asked the little sou of a
railroad conductor, "what's au ex
chequer?" "Au ex-checker!" ex
claimed tbo ticket puueher. "Why,
that must be a retired baggageman."
Chicago News.
"Do you ride a wheel?" sue asked.
"Well, I dou't know thut 1 would bo
exactly justified iu claiming that," he
replied, "but now aud theu 1 have a
wrestling match with one of them."
Chicago Evening Post.
"I've cured my husbaud's insom
nia." "How did you do it?"
"Protended I was sick, and tho doc
tor left medicine which Heury was lo
givo mo every half-hour all uight
long."- - Chicago Record.
"Tell ine about your graduating
class photograph, Miss Lily." "Well,
all those homely girls standing up at
the buck are the smart ones; all thoso
pretty girls sitting down iu front are
tbo silly ones." Chicago Record.
"Is there any danger of tho boa
constrictor biting me?" usked n lady
visitor at the Zoological Gardens.
"Not tho least, inarm," cried the
sbowmau. "Ho never bites; he
swallows his wittles whle."--Tit-Bits.
"To what do you attribute the cura
tive properties of your springs?"
asked a visitor at a health resort.
"Well," answered the proprietor,
thoughtfully, "1 K"ess the advertising
I've done lias hud somethiug to do
with it."
"I see that they have put a wound
ing -hourd at tbe back of the minister's
pulpit." said liurou. "What do you
suppose that's for?" Egbert "Why, '
to throw out the souud." "Gracious,"
said Baron, "if you threw out the
sound there wo iblu't be anythiug left
to th Boriuou." Bostou Traveler