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VOL. XXXI. NO. 15. TIONESTA, PA., WEDNESDAY, JULY 27, 181)8.
1.00 PER ANNUM.
Tiie Forest Republican
la published every Wadaos Jaf, bj
J. E. WENK.
Offlo In 8mewbaugb. ft Ca'i Building
ELM STREET, TIONE3TA, PA.
R
ST
The construotlou ol a battleship
takes three years; its destruction about
three minutes.
Health, wisdom and peace of mind
ore aloug the line of judioious cycling.
With the aid of tho right sort of a
mount any able-bodied persou should
be able quickly to get rid of surplus
rumination and woriiiucnt.
Men will never learn the supremacy
of nature and the operations of bet
laws. Had young Leiter studied agri
culture and tho rules of 'compensation
he might havo been spared the hn
mility of trying to control the wheat
irops of the world.
: . i - -
Coal is King of tho Seas, to-day.
Brains are his coadjutor, not bin mas
ter. Tia Coal that makes history in
the age of steam power. But, the
doom of steam is not far off. Home
thing more tractable and less waste
ful will supplant it, aud then King
Coal will be dethroned.
There ran be no longer any question
of the hostility of the greater part of
the German prettsto tho United States,
maintains the New York Commercial
Advertiser. There is also evidence
that this is largely shared by the peo
ple. No doubt we havo friends among
the Germans, but the dominant sen
tiuieut is so strong the other way
that they are constrained to keep
silent.
A notable sign of the times is seen
in tho constantly increasing provision
for tho storage of bicycles. Every en
terprising shopkeeper maintains a
rack; many churches have their wheel
stables; the modern office building
Las a place set apart for the machines
of its occupants; architects speeify tho
"wheelroom" on plans for both city
and country hoiiNes, and certain en
terprising railroads engage to care for
commuters' mounts, all of which indi
cotes that, while the opportunity for
pleasure in cycling is greater than J
ever, tho bicycle is beginuing to be
chiefly esteemed becanse of its useful
ness. -
Thopoople of Norway are greatly
alarmed at the spread of liquor drink
ing among them, and are endeavoring
to reduce it by all expedients iq, their
power, remarks tho New York Tribune.
Ihey tried the Gothenburg system,
which resulted in no improvement;
then eighteen towns- resolved to pro
hibit the sale of liquors altogether.
The result was that drunkenness im
mediately aud decidedly increased.
Not only was a strong kind of port
wine drunk iu quantities, . but illicit
Jtills were set up in back kitchens,
tad the people drank the raw spirits
with lamentable results. The couutry.
is still wrestling with this difficult
problem, with no substantial prospect
ol amelioration yet iu sight.
Switzerland offers an example in
the way of adjusting railroad fares
that is worthy of attention. By a new
arrangement tourists or commercial
travelers (or others) can now secure
for an absurdly small sum what
amounts practically to a free pass
over the Swiss tailways and steam
boats. Tickets good for fifteen days
cost $12 first class, $8.40 second, and
$6 third, and allow holders to travel
over any or all of these routes as often
is they please. For thirty days tho
tickets cost $20, $14 or $10 for the
different classes; for three months,
(48, $34 and $24; for six months, $70,
$24 and $38; for one yeor, $120, $84
and $00 respectively. Mountain
railways are of course not included.
Two weeks suffice to get a glimpse oi
the principal parts of Switzerland, and
it can now. bo done for $6. Every
ticket must have the owner's photo
graph on it.
The man who is "clever with tools,"
who conld repair any of the ordinary
machinery abont the farm, seems to be
the exception - nowadays, muses the
American Agriculturist. This is part
ly because of the old plan of making
things at home has given way to the
modern idea of buyiug manufactured
articles. This has deprived the younp,
of tho wonderful experience that for
merly taught them how to use their
hands. Most of our young people
nowadays have no conception of the
power of hand, eye and mind, much
less the ability to put such power into
action. This must be the object ol
manual training in our common
schools, and of technical training in
the agricultural colleges. Teach out
youtjh 'how to use their hands! One
has only to go deeply iuto this phase
of the new education to realize the
wonderful possibilities before tho
young man or woman who is so trained
ns to be able to make the hand obey
the eye jn carrying out the original
dictates of the mind. The world needs
uch more than it needs absorbers of
mere book learn inr.
A FOCCY MORNING OH THE FARM.
The mist bun)- heavy on the barn, It looked a-kinder low'rln.
An' the fish above the ridge-pole said the day would sure be si.owerin
We'd bay down in the upper fluid, corn needed second hoeln'.
An' the new (-round in pertaters into weeds an' toa was growln.
fuel on the door-stone raised his hand up, silent, tbinkln',
For futr.y on his coat-sleevo, as It darkened, heart a-sinkln';
"Wind's to east'ard, Juke," he said to our man Jacob dough;
Jake he turned an' twisted, said be thought it might burn off.
Hut uncle he thought dlflVront, still he didn't feel quite sarttn,.
He said, about that auction gross he'd bought of Ezra Martin.
Barefooted, twelve vears ol 1, a boy, I earnestly was prnyln' .
A day had come, a day to rust two tired legs in bayiu'.
I listened to them talkln', all the time In sllunne wishln';
An' at lost I just suggustud that 't would be good day tor flshln'.
Two eyes above the door-s'oue, an' two above the path.
Looked down on me in scorn to see the subject of their wrath.
"Fishln'l" sunrled out uncle. shaVlu' rain-drops from hla collur,
"If ye live's old's Methuselah, ve'll not bn wutli a dollar!
Work all behind, an' llshlu'l Don't ye know there's hay a-spllin',
Au' that ye got tcr work, an' work, to keep the pot a-bllln'?"
He turned from me to Jacob; ns ho did there came a sprinkle;
It pattered on mv old straw h.-.t and gave my eyes a twinkle.
Hut they lost some of their brightness, when uncle now said, "Well,
If 'taint a day for bayln', I s'pose there's corn to shell."
James Hlloy.
I
WHAT BILLY FOUND IN THE FOG.
Dy JOHN J.
RULY Billy Han
ford was a live,
keen, "chip of the
old block," and that
is saying a good
deal when the "old
block" was Captain
Matt Hanford. He
was as good a man as ever walked a
dock short, thick-set, with a copper
red tint to his well-seasoned face, and
a pair of small, twinkling gray eyes.
Billy was a reduced copy of his father.
It was hard to tell which of tkein ad
mired tho other most.
Captain Matt was the sailing master
of tho Sea Conch, a stanch sailing
yacht built for racing and owned by a
wealthy young New Yorker. Her
owner meant to take her over to the
Isle of Wight and race the Prince of
Wales's Britannia, the German Em
peror's Meteor, or any of tho smart
English cutters that wanted to try con
clusions with a Yankee keel.
Captain Mutt had promised Billy
that if he came out at the head of his
class at school he would take him
along. Billy came out ahead. He
would have done so in any case, for he
wasn't going to let any boy iind out
more thiugs thau he did.
It isn't every boy that has a chauce
to go to Europe when he is fourteen.
But no boy ever enjoyed a trip there
more than Billy Hanford. The Sea
Conch got beaten in the races; that
was the only drawback to the trip.
Billy was convinced that the reason of
this was that tho owner of the yacht
sailed her himself in the race. If his
father had handled the boat, the other
yachts would have been nowhere bo
Billy firmly believed.
Tho young owner of tho Sea Conch
told Captain Matt that he could run np
to Loudon for two or three days bo
fore he took tho yacht back. This was
some consolatiou to Billy. He was
going to see tho biggest town iu the
world!
He was bound not to admit that it
was much better thuu New York. Of
course, it was bigger. But look how
much longer it had been growing! The
bnildings in New York were a good
deal higher thau anything they could
show in London. Hyde Park wasn't
anywhere beside Central Park.
One day Captain Matt took bis son
to visit tho docks. ' The boy looked
around on the hundreds of acres of
massive cut-stone piers with grent
lakes of water between them and said
nothing. Tho Brooklyn Navy Yard
compared to these immense docks was
like a duck pond.
"Billy, these docks cost hundreds
of thousands of pounds," said the
Captain to his son, impressively.
"Two hnudred thousand pounds is
pretty nearly a million dollars," re
marked that young hopeful, as if to
warn his father not to use figures
recklessly.
"Well, Billy," replied his father,
grimly, "one of them, the London
Docks, cost four million pounds.
Pounds," ho repeated. "Figger that
out. And they aren't half as big as
these West Iudia Docks we're going
to. And tho Victory aud Albert Docks
are over two miles long, and all lit
up with electricity. And they've got
a machine that just hoists a vessel
right up in the air, wLile they clean
her. What do you think of that?"
"Oh, they're big," answered Billy.
When he couldn't think of anything
in America which was better than
what he saw in London he kept pretty
quiet. But this was through no lack
of appreciation. He enjoyed seeing
these wonders thoroughly, only ho
was an out and out American who
loved his own great country.
But when they got to' the Docks
where Captain Matt hoped to find the
Peal of India, on which was an old
sea friend of his, they could see next
to nothing. A real London fog had
wrapped everything in its mighty
folds.
Here Billy could soy with truth
that they didn't have anything in New
York which was one-tenth as bad.
There is not a good word can be said
for a Loudon fog one of the real,
thick, ngly kind. It is impossible to
do it justice. You hove to experience
one before you can realize how bad it
is. It is a mist thick enough to cut
yellow, or gray, or black, with a
smell like soot. It gets into the eyes
and makes them smart till the tears
come. It rasps your throat to raw
ness when yon breathe it in. Objects
across the street cau hardly be seen.
The lamps in the streets, in the
shops, and on the cabs are all lit, but
they are smothered and show only
little Jsickly yellow spots of light.
a'BECKET.
This kind cf fog, one of tho worst
that London had seen for fifteen
years, settled down on the WeBt India
Docks and swallowed up Captain
Matt and his son. At last the Cap
tain said:
"Billy, this is worse than a fog iu
mid-Atlantic. It is no use trying to
And the Poarl of India in this. Wo
could hardly find a lighthouse. It
isn't safe to bo groping round hore,
either. You stay right hero for a few
minutes till I walk back to that po
liceman and ask him if he knows
whether Simpson's craft is near here.
If he doesu't we'll give it up. Don't
stir from here or I'll never find you
agnin."
Billy promised not to move. He
watched his father disappear in the
cold, enveloping mist with a sense
of uucomfortableness. If the docks
had seemed a wilderness before, they
were more of one now with him left
like au atom lost in the enshrouding
fog.
Just then he heard tho "pluhk" of
something falling into the water. He
started aud tried to peer through the
wall of fog. Almost immediately he
heard a shrill cry for help. Some
one, a boy, he imagined from the
sound of tho voice, had dropped off
into the water. It was hard to tell
where he was from the Bound, but
there was no doubt it was near at
hand. T'je cries were repeated shril
ly. Billy went a little nearer the edge
aud looked down into the milky green
water lapping the stone walls a good
distance below him.
"Keep hollerin'," shouted Billy,
"till I can find you. Swim toward
me, if you can, aud don't lose sight
of the dock."
If it was a boy, of course he could
swim, but Billy knew if he once lost
sight of the walls of the docks he
could have no idea where he ought to
head for.
"Here I am. Oh, help me out,"
came back tho frightened voice.
It sounded nearer, and in a moment
more Billy saw a shiny head and a
small white face with a pair of soared
eyes in it. The boy was paddling
around like a small puppy.
"Keep right there," shouted Billy.
There was no use trying to look for a
ropo when he oonldut see more than
a few yards. He did the only thing
he could think of. He stripped off
his outside clothes as fast as he could.
Then he tied his trousers to his coat,
and his coat to his stockiugs, .and let
down this rope of clothes toward the
boy.
It didu't reach him, so he hauled it
up and, pnlhug off his undershirt,
tied it on, too. Then he lowered it
again, with the shirt end down, think
ing the boy might pull himself up to
the stouter part of the life line, if the
shirt proved too weak to hold. He
gave him directions to this effect.
The boy clutched the end of the
rope, r ortnuateiy, ue was iignt. iiut
it was a good tug for Billy to pull him
up. By the time tho youngster b wet
head showed above the edge his
strength was nearly used np.
"Pnll yourself up. I'm played
out," he panted, falling on one knee
and bracing himself with the other
leg. He clung desperately to the line
of clothes. If the boy couldn't help'-
himself now, Billy was afraid it was
all up with him.
The other boy saw how matters'
stood, aud squirming and getting bis
grip a little higher np, he at last pulled
himself over the edge of the dock. He
rolled over to get further way from
the edge, aud then the two sat up
breathless, gasping and not able to
say a word. They simply stared at'
each other, with their mouths open.
But now that tho strain was over, Billy
began to get his breath. The cold,
raw air was making him shiver. They
both looked blue about the mouth,
and wero shaking like Mexican hair
less dogs.
"You'd better get home. Where
do you live?" asked Billy at last, as
well as ho could with his teeth chat
tering. "Down there," shivered the other,
pointing off through the fog toward
the end of the dock. "You come
along aud get dry. Mother'U give us
something warm. Come on."
They had both got to their feet,
Billy was tugging at the knots iu his
clothes which the weight of the boy
bod tightened. ' The rescued boy
kindly lent a hand. As fast as he got
a garment loose Billy put it on. Ugh!
How cold and wet they felt. He
stamped around to get warm.
He had just got into part of his
clathes when his father came back.
His alarm at seeing his sou and heir !
apparently just after a bath, and one
taken with his clothes on, gave him a
start.
"Billy, you didn't fall off, did you?"
he inquired, huskily.
"No; but he did," said Billy, tug
ging away at his knotted coat aud
trousers.
"He pulled me out with his clothes,"
said the other boy; "and I tell him to
come down to the President an' get
dry."
"Is it far?" said Captain Hanford.
"No. Jes' down there."
"Well, I think we'd better go. Billy.
I'm afraid you'll catch cold."
"All right. But I won't catch cold,"
retorted Billy, who had got into all of
his clothes by this time.
The small boy, looking like a
drowned rat, led the way and Captain
Matt followed, gathering the details
of the adventure from Billy. He glowed
with pride at his sou's presence of
mind in devising this novel clothes
line aud rescuing the boy. . But Billy
treated it as if it were the most com
monplace thing in the world. He was
really thinking more of getting warmed
up than anything else.
They both wondered a little where
the boy conld be leading them. They
were still more surprised when he
brought them to the oddest-looking
craft they had ever seen. It was too
old-fashioned a tub for even Captain
Matt to have ever seen its like. It
was a big, bulky frigate, whose sides
bulged out like a gourd and then nar
rowed in. The top was entirely cov
ered in with a glass roof. It looked
like some old hot-house tied up at the
dock. Her figure-head of grimy white
was a man in a frock coat. The name,
President, was lettered on the side.
Captain Matt aud his son exchanged
glances over this dismantled, clumsy
apology for a ship as the boy hurried
up the gang-plank. The deck had an
immense sweep and was tidy and ship
shape, with some old cannon and gnn
carriages ou it, all under the glass roof.
The boy dived downstairs and then
to the left, and the Captain and his
son were surprised at finding them
selves suddenly iu what seemed the
cosiest of little homes. There were
regular square wiudows as large as
those in a room, and a gas chandelier,
with two or three jets lit, threw a
pleasant light on the carpeted floor
and a table littered with a woman's
sewing. There were flower-pots in
the window. Through the door of an
adjoining room they saw a stove and
shelves. A small, wiry man was sit
ting comfoitably, reading a paper,
and a bright faced, motherly woman
was sewiug. rue advent ol tue drip
ping boy and the two strangers in
stantly threw tho place into excite
ment.
"I fell iuto the water and he pulled
me out, lamer; ami l nrougnt nun
here to get his clothes dry," explained
the rescued urchin, wet and shaking
with the cold.
"Mother, you make some tea for
em, quick. Jemuiie, take the lad
in there and get him into some of your
clothes and we'll dry his before the
stove, said the little man in one
breath.
"I will. But vou are a nice boy to
save my James." Here the good
woman gave Billy a hearty hug and
two resounding kisses, much to his
discomfiture. He hated to be kissed
and there was nothing to mako a fuss
about. Why do women act that way?
While the boys were getting into
dry clothes aud the woman was mak
ing toast and tea, Captain Hanford
and the other got acquainted. He
learned that the old frigate was the
exact copy of an American boat which
was regarded as a model of naval
architecture iu her time. The first
President had been copied from the
American model of .the same name in
1798, nearly one hundred years ago.
This one was built exactly like the
first, and was launched at Portsmouth
in 1829. After thirty-two years of
service, she had beeu brought to this
dock, where she had lain for thirty
five yenrs without being once taken
out of the water.
"There was talk of taking her over tosi
your Worlds Fair, but, bless yerl
the old thing would go to pieces be
fore she got to the Nore lightship,"
said Gunner Seabury, for that was
the name of tho little man. "But
she's a big boat, one hundred and
sixty feet long and forty feet extreme
beam, has a crew of tweuty-eight able
seamen, aud carries one gnn on the
upper dock aud four on the main
deck."
"Do they do anything with her?"
asked Captain Hanford.
"No, except that the Naval Reserves
drill here every day from nine in the
morning until fonr in the afternoon.
The long sweep of deck with so little
on it makes a fine place to drill 'em.
And we live here and keep a little shop
for 'em," added Seabury.
"And a beautiful home you've made
it, ma'am," said Captain Hanford,
thinking of his own neat, white cot
tage at Bath Beach, with a pang of
homesickness.
The boys came out now as fresh and
dry as ever, and none the worse for
their adventure. It looked as if they
were more likely to come to grief by
eating toast and strawberry jam, which
grateful Mrs. Seabury gave to them
without any restriction. The Han
fords left with the blessings of the
family on them.
"To think, William, of my bringing
you away over to Loudon to save a boy
from drowning who lived on a craft
modeled ou an American frigate," ex
claimed Captain Matt, eyeing Billy
with twinkling eyes as they walked up
the dock. .
It was the first time in bis life he
had ever called his son William. Noth
ing could have emphasized his appro
ciation of the boy as a hero and life
saver more thau this.
Billy, who honestly didn't feel as if
he bad done auything great, was
oleased at his father's pleasure All
he said, however, was: "If the think
that old hulk is an American ship, they
ought to see the White Squadron!"
New York Ledger.
SCIENTIFIC AND INDUSTRIAL.
The exports of glass from Furth,
Bavaria, to the Unitul States are grow
ing largely.
The export trade of this country in
paraffin and paraffin wax has grownup
very rapidly..
During the last year 1521 persons
underwent the Pasteur treatment foi
rabies at Paris.
A German scientist is of opinion
that women will have beards some
timo iu the remote future.
Paper made from seaweed is a grow
iug industry iu Frauce. It is so
transparent that it has beeu used iu
place of glass.
Railway building in Africa is pro
ceeding with wonderful rapidity con
sidering the difficulty and expensive
ness of most of the enterprises.
Professor Leist, of Moscow, claims
to have liscovered a terrestrial mag
netic pole at Kotchetovka, a village in
the government of KurBk in Russia.
Professor Michelson, of the National
Academy of Science, Washington, has
invented a new form of spectroscope,
made by building up steps of equal
thickness of optical glass.
The aluminum product for the past
year aggregated nearly four times the
amount mined in 1890. The value ol
the product is not given, but its quan
tity reached the handsome bulk of 4,
000,000 pounds.
A number of German electric street
railways are discarding the familiar
trolley on overhead lines for a stirrup
shaped sliding bar made of aluminum,
having a V-shaped section and filled
with grease or in some cases wih a
bearing Biirface of white metal.
The most powerful electro-magnet
ever constructed for laboratory pur
poses was recently exhibited at a meet
ing of the French Physical Society.
It weighs 100 kilogrammes (about 220
pounds) and consumes two horse
power in the excitiug coils.
There are a few of the comparative
ly higher animals which live in hot
springs, but these are chiefly mol
lusks. Until the preseut year the
only instance of the occurrence of the
isopad Crustacea iu warm springs 'was
that of Sphieronia dugesi, found liv
ing in this situation iu northern Mex
ico. , The Alpine Good Night.
Among the lofty mountains and ele
vated valleys of Switzerland the Al
pine born has another use besides that
of sounding the far-famed "Ranz dez
Vaches," or cow song; and this is of a
very solemn and impressive nature.
When the sun has set in the valley
and the snowy summits of the moun
tains gleam with golden light, the
herdsman who dwells upon the high
est habitable spot takes his horn and
pronounces clearly aud loudly through
it, as through a speaking trumpet,
"Praise the Lord God!" As soon as
the sound ia heard by the neighboring
herdsmen they issue from their huts,
take their Alpine horns and repeat the
same words.
This frequently laRts a quarter of
au hour, and the call resounds from
all the mountains and rocky cliffs
around. When eilenco again reigns
the herdsmen kneel and pray with un
covered heads. Meantime it has become
quite dark. "Good night!" at last
calls the highest herdsman through
his horu. Tho words resound from
all the mountains, the horns of the
herdsmen and the cliffs, and the
mountaineers then retire to their
dwellings.
Hobson Enriches the English Language.
Is Lieutenant Hobson, by his gal
lant deed, likely to add a word to the
nautical portion of the English lan
guage? It looks like it. or example,
a river passenger steamer, one of the
grimiest and most tumble-down of the
many dilapidated craft of the kind that
plough the silent highway, nearly col
lided with a barge at London Bridge
the other day. The skipper used
strong language to the bargee, but to
his taunts the latter bellowed, "Bet
ter take that old tub out to sea and
Hobnonize her!" The report was
greeted with a burst of appreciative
and sympathetic laughter by the pas
sengers on board the vessel thus char
acterized. If the majority of tho
Thames passenger steamers were effi
ciently "Hobsonized," and replaced
by comfortable modern vessels, the
change would be welcomed by most
of the people who use the river ser
vice. London Daily Telegraph.
A Curious Sljht.
In Japan, the traveler sees many cu
rious sights; one of the strangest ol
which is the population washing itself
at the corners of streets towards even
ing. In Yeddo, the citizens frequent
large bathing establishments. The
street doors of such resorts stand open,
and a striking spectacle, to say the
least, is presonted by the inmates sit
ting washing themselves with the ut
most unconcern. This is a genera'
custom, and . nothing whatever if
thought of it. Such au apparent waul
of modesty is difficult to comprehend,
and is not reconcilable with the ad
vanced state of civilization of the
Japanese. In many other of the man
ners and customs do the Japs offer i
striking antagonism to those accepteu
by us. Detroit Free Press.
A Glittering ring.
In the window of a New York Citj
joweler is displayed a unique and ex
pensive bit of patriotic fervor. It is t
United States flag.five by three inches,
made entirely of diamonds, sapphiret
and garnetf. The union is a mass oi
sapphires, ou which repose forty-fivt
large diamonds. Tho stripes are inadt
of bands of garnets and diamouds one
quarter of an inch in width. Tho efleci
is verv crettv and attractive
THE MERRY SIDE OF LIFE.
STORIES THAT ARE TOLD BY THE
FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS.
In the Garden Consoling Forever Not
Always Mot Bo Feeble Another Rap-'
tare IIli One Great Fear The Martial
Spirit Racing Kaptd Promotion, Etc.
"Come Into the garden, Maud,
For the wintry days have flown;
Come Into tbo garden, Maud,
And gee bow thlnf?3 have grown.
I bare planted pnnsies and sweet poas
And morning glories there
Come Into the garden, Maud,
' And see how my seedlings fare."
He took her little had in bis,
And they sauntered out to see,
But not a pansy had come up,
Nor a solitary sea;
He took one look around and then
He wildly tore bis hair
Uls next door neighbor's chickens had
Preceded Mnudie there.
Chicago News.
Forever Not Always.
She "PerhapB you have forgotten
that you promised to love me forever."
He "I had no idea that forever
could last so long." Indianapolis
Journal.
Not 8o Feeble.
"What a delicate-looking child Mrs.
Rickrack's third is!"
"Delicate? That's the child that
bosses tho whole family." Chicago
Record.
Consoling.
Patient "Doctor, this is the worst
attack I ever had."
Doctor "Well, don't worry your
self, I am quite sure you won't have
another. " Up-to-Date.
The Martial Spirit Raging.
"Our baker's boy takes great inter
est in his job nowadays."
"And for why?"
"He calls his morning deliveries
rollcalls. " Indianapolis Journal.
Another Rapture.
She "Do yon know that married
men, as a rule, live longer than bach
elors?" He "Oh, I don't believe that. It
only seems longer to them. "Cleve
land Leader.
Ilia One Great Fear.
Wallace "Why don't, you enlist
and do something for your country?"
Perry Patettio "I'm afraid I might
git into the army of occupation. I be
long to the army of no occupation."
Cincinnati Enquirer.
Only Kind He Knew.
Professor "So, then, by tho term
reptile we mean a creature which does
not stand on feet, but moves by crawl
ing on the ground. Will ouo of you
name for me such a reptile?"
Freddy "Baby brother." Judy.
This May Kxulain.
"Why is it that the old and trustod
employes are always tho ones to ab
scond with tho funds?"
"It must bo because they are the
only ones who aro allowed to know
tho combinations to the safes." Chi
cago News.
Hpeoulntlon.
Jack "I wonder who that young
woman was we just passed."
Tom "Don't know. To judge from
her dress she might be a lady."
Jack "Yes; but to judge from her
beauty she might be a lady's maid."
New York World.
He Saw Its Flnloh.
"Yes," the critio declared, "your
play is a masterpiece. The lines are
sonorous and lofty; the plot is reason
able; your thome is noble; the moral
is evident."
"Alas," cried tho miserable author,
"then it will bo a failure 1" Chioago
News.
Hlamlereil.
Her Father "I am told that you
aro a spendthrift that you have no
idea of tho value of money."
Her Adorer "I have been wronged.
I have an acute sense of tho value of
money. Otherwise I should not be
hero asking you for her now." Chi
cago News.
l'oor Baby.
Unsophisticated Parent "Hello
there, nurse, what's tho baby yelling
that way for? I can't read at oil."
Nurso "Ho'b cutting his teeth,
sir."
U. P. "Well, boo that ho doesn't
do it any more, or you lose your
place." Harlem Life.
The Feminine Method. ,
Bertha "These men are trouble
some things!"
Edith "Why, what's tho matter
with the men now?"
Bertha "For the life of me, I can't
make up my mind whether to let
Fred or Charley fall in lovo with mo."
Boston Transcript.
Faithful to Ills Trait.
' "Dear narry," wrote his ohum, who
was in camp at Key West, "I have had
only one letter from my girl since I
came down here. Aro you looking
after her as you promised?"
"Dear Jerry," wrote his friend in
response, "I am six evenings in the
week." Chicago Tribune.
A Trustworthy Officer.
Living Skeleton (president of
Freaks' Secret Society) "Our organ
ization, ladies and gentlemen, is about
perfected. It will be necessary, how
ever, to select a troasnrer. Whom
shall it be?"
Chorus of Members "The legless
wonder." St. Louis Republic.
Rapid Promotion.
Fuddy "You know Tom enlisted
lost month? Well, he has got his
Bhoulder-Btrops already."
Duddy "You don't mean it! Tho
idea of Tom being an officer!"
Fuddy "Oh, he isn't au officer.
The shoulder-straps help him in
wheeling his barrow when doing po
lice duty," Boston Transcript.
IN AFTER YEARS.
In after years, when age has taught
The heart to shield itself by thought.
When life's highway seems more secure.
And Idle dreams cease to allure,
Ah, then perchance the joy we sought
Will come to us, in vestments wrought
Of wisdom, patience peace and naught
But bllssfulness shall then endure,
In after years.
If friends depart; if hopes are brought
To nothingness; if battles fought
End in distress, and griefs immuro
The heart and will then seek the cure
That time may bring, nor fear you aught
In after years.
HUMOR OF THE DAY.
"Anyway, the pedestrian has the
law on his side." "Oh, of course; but
he has the whcelmau ou his neck."
Indianapolis Journal.
"One way to remove wet paint,"
says the Frogtown Kid, "is to lean up
against it in your Sunday clothes."
Philadelphia Record.
Hungry Tourist "Waiter, two eggs,
please! Boil them four minutes."
Waiter "Yes, sir; be ready iu half a
second, sir." Tit-Bits.
Teacher "What advantage had tho
old Greeks over ns, Hans?" Hans
(drawing a long breath) "They did
not have to learn Greek."
"Is your new traveling man enter
prising?" "Enterprising? That man
could sell a carved-ivory card-case to
an elephant." Chicago Record.
Rigby "Did you fire your cook?"
Digby "No; she fired herself."
Rigby "French leave?" Digby
"No; gasoline." Brooklyn Life.
She "I mado this cake for you,
dear, all by myself." He "Do you
mean to tell nvj that you had no ac
complices?" Cincinnati Enquirer.
Teacher "What became of tho
children of Agamemnon?" Pupil
(after mature deliberation) "I think
they're dead by this time." Harlem
Life.
Mamma "Oh, dear! Jimmy, I
don't believe you know what it is to
be good." Jimmy "Yes I do, mam
ma. It's not doing what you want to
do." Truth.
- Teacher (to class) "In this stanza,
what is meant by the line, 'The BhodeB
of night were falling- fast?' " Bright
Scholar "The people were pulling
down the bliuds."
Greone "You don't mean to say
yon tell yonr wife everything you do?"
Gray "Hardly that.' But I tell her
a great many thiugs I don't do."
Boston Transcript.
"Papa, when a horse laughs he kicks
up his heels, doesn't he?" "I guess
bo." "Well, old Bill has just laughed
at Bonnie. Won't you come out and
carry him in?" Truth.
Brown "lhat's a handsome um
brella you've got there, Robinson."
"Yes, Brown." "About what does it
cost to carry au umbrella like that?"
Robinson "Eternal vigilance."
An artist being asked, "Is sculpture
difficult?" answered: "Why, bless
you, no I You havo only to have a
block of marble and chisol, and knock
off all the marble you don't want."
Tit-Bits.
Watts "They say it costs $7000 for
every man killed iu battle." Petts
"That is away too much. Why, if a
man will hire a good lawyer, he oan
kill a whole family for that much."
Washington Star.
Observing Brother "Mr. Smith is
down stairs waiting for you." Sister
Gladys "Oh, is that so? I wasn't
expecting a caller this evening." Ob
serving Brother "Did you think ho
was dead?" Truth.
She "I see poor Senator Lock is
dead." He "I didn't know there was
any Senator by that name." She
"Ob, but there was! I read only yes
terday how the Senato adjourned on
account of a dead Lock."
"You say that your married life has
been a miserable disappointment.
Wasn't it because you didn't marry the
right woman?" "I suppose it was be
cause she did not marry the right
man." Boston Transcript.
Badger "You say you have bo much
trouble to get pnid lor service, but I
notice you have bought a new house
lately. Some of your patients must
pay." Dr. Pellet "They or their
heirs." Bostou Transcript.
"Mamma, what does jumping at con
clusions mean?" asked ten-year-old
Janet. "I know," replied eiglit-year-old
Mabel, before mamma could reply.
"What doeB it menu, dear?" asked
mamma, "It means a kitty trying to
catch its tail."
"How did tho surprise paity at tho
Cawkors' turn out? Was it a genuine
surprise?" "Indeed it was. Some
body had given the Cawkers a hint,
and when we got there the house was
dark and there wasn't a bou! at home."
Harper's Bazar.
"Is football a game?" asked the
foreigner. "Dunuo," was the reply;
"but footballers are. When a man
breaks both his logs aud dislocates his
spine, and theu won't go off the field
until the play is over, you bet he's
game." Piek-Me-Up.
He watched the pompous man get
ting measured for a suit of clotbes.
"It's au excellent thing," he said at
lust, "that a man's egotism is not in
cluded iu the measurements, or some
people would go broke paying for one
suit." Chicago Evening Post.
Mrs. T. "I am worried becauso my
husband is keeping something from
me, and I don't kuow what it is."
Mrs. S. "My husband, too, is keep
ing something from me, aud I am wor
ried because I do know what it is."
Mrs. T. "Indeed! What is it?" Mrs.
S. "It is money."
"Poor Tommy!" rejoined the good
woman, resuming her exercise. "Ho
belongs (whack!) to a gymnastic class
dowiito-vn, and (whack!) he's so tired
when he conies home in the afternoon
(whack!; that I haven't the heart to
ask him (whack!) to take hold of any
work like this (whack whack')."
7 V
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