RATES OF ADVERTISING
ORE
EPUBLICAN.
Oue Squire, on. Inch, on liuwtloa..! 100
Oq fquire, on. in-'h, one raonth. IV)
On. fquare, on. inch, tur4 mm lbs. &
Una .-'quare, oue inch, on yea.'..... 10 ill
1 w Square one ye-ir.... I' m
Quarter Column, on. yu,. Sum
iialf Colu-nn, on. year. ....... SOUU
Oue Column, on. year KM U
L?al ailTerttiouieuta ten oenU par tin.
each insertion.
Marriage, an I d.ith notice, gratis.
All bills lor yi-ar.y advertiser ml c-Pected
quarterly Temporary adverUdi-inriiu niitst
be iwiil in advanoa.
Job work cjuh on deliver.
H
I .OO ler Year.
No subscription received tor shorter
period tnnn throe months.
Correspondence solicits 1 from all pvts of
th eouuiry. No notlo. will b taken ol
noon; inous oooiiuunloailon.
VOL. XXXI. NO. 11. TIONESTA, PA WEDNESDAY, JUNE 29. 1808. S1.00 PER ANNUM.
m Forest Republican
Ii published very WedausJay, by
J. E. WENK.
Offlct In 8mearbnKh &Co.'i BuihMnj
EW BTBEET, TIOJJESTA, PA.
R
ST
The Italian riots seem definitely
suppressed and the monarchy and the
dreihund saved. Bat the Continent
has had a warning of the effect of
out ting off Western wheat supply.
It in no wouder, remarks "the New
York Herald, thnt Joseph Chamber
lain should desire au alliance between
Great Britain and the United States,
lie has had persoual experience of its
advantages. The better half of him
is an American woman.
Tho earliest records of illustrated
comic literature have been discovered
by BrugscU Bey in a papyrus of the
twenty-second dynasty, receutly found
at Tonuuh. The drawings are colored,
and thoy represent auimals perform
ing curious antics.! Cats and rats
figure largely in the illustrations.
Colorado Springs is said to bo tho
quietest town in tho country. No
church bolls are rung there, and no
whistles aro blown. A local paper
admits tlyit dogs bark at night in
Colorado Spriugs, as thoy do every
where elso, but it adds that "when
they ran about they make no noise
with their feet in the sandy soil."
Says the Atchison Globe: Women
all over the country are organizing a
boycott on French millinery because
of the unfriendly attitude of France.
It would be a mean man who would
,call attention to the fact that these
women Lave bought their spring mil
linery, and don't expect to buy any
more until November, when the war
will be over. As we desiro to bo
known as a lovely character we refuse
to draw attention to such a littlo
thing.
According to the Indian Eugiuoor
the merchant marine of Japan has in
sreasod sinco tho Chinese-Japanese
war from 160,000 to 400,000 tons of
team shipping. Linos are now organ
ized sailing from the chief ports of
Japan to China, India, Europo,
America and Auutralia. This growth
follows a change from an agricultural
to a manufacturing nation. Iu 1872
Japan only exported manufactured
articles to tho value of $300,000; iu
1896 exports of this class amounted
to $45,000,000, or forty por cent, of
her total exports.
A contemporary complains of "Rear
Admiral" as au inept title for a man
so eminently qualified for keeping in
front as is the conqueror of Manila,
observes the New York Times. Tho
point is not ill-taken, but designations
of rank are queer, anyhow, and few
of them will stand much examination
by philologists. And "Admiral" itself,
which this critic claims for his horo,
is about the queerest of tho lot. Tho
word is the remnant of an Arabic
phrase, of which the begiuning wus
"ameer," or "emir," and it came to
us alas, that the truth must bo told!
straight from Spain. "Amir-nl-bahr"
meant "ruler of the sea."
When ,tho "bahr" was dropped, of
course, the articlo should havo gouo,
too, but it didn't, and when some
overwise person put in a "d" because
lie thought he know that the word was
Latin, it became as absurd a muddlo
as the dictionary contains which is
saying a good deal.
The objoot lesson which Germany
presents to ns in the manufacture of
beet sugar is worthy of some consid
eration on our ' part. Twenty-five
years ago Germany imported almost
every pound of sugar consumed
within her borders; to-day she manu
factures so much sugar that in addi
tion to supplying her own domestic
wants she is able to make large ship
ments annually to foreign markets.
At the present time the sugar indus
try in Germany embraces 399 estab
lishment. These establishments con
sume annually 13,721,600 tons ol
beets, and produce therefrom 1,738,
885 tops of sugar. Until Germany
forged to the front in the manufacture
of beet sugar, France enjoyed the
distinction of being tho great Euro
pean centre of this important in
dustry. Indeed, the industry spruug
up in France originally, and the great
Emperor Napoloon is given tho credit
of its introduction. Since Germany
has forged ahead of Franco iu the
manufacture of beet sugar, what is to
prevent tho United States from forg
iug ahead of Germany? asks tho At
lanta Constitution. Our soil pro
duces in abundance tho finest quality
of sugar beets, and there is no reason
why we should not pluck from Ger
many tho prestige which she has
plucked from France in the manufac
ture of beet sugar. But in odditiou
to its production of sugar beets, this
country is also rich iu its production
of sugar cane, and there is absolutely
' - 1 .1 T- C I 1
i reason wuy tue uuueu omics
uld not be able to supply the wauts
le entire globe.
THE PORTRAIT.
When lonely, Into, and far from love,
I restless through my chamber movtv
Or brood, with Bad surmise,
One gnse yet claims me as IU thrall; .
My lady's picture from the wull
Looks down, In silence noting all,
And follows wit n her eyes.
Dear eyes, so tender, frank, and sweet,
aye smiling when our glances meet,
As though to bring mo cheer,
Forgive the thankless humors black
Which sometimes drive your com forts back,
Vexed that herself I still should lock
Whose portrait bides so near!
-THE BOOK
OWARD!"
There was a
ring of infinite
soorn in the voice,
and the little book
keeper reeled and
shrunk under it.
lie felt bis insig
nificance then, if
never before. Why
could he not be a
man among men?
lie had uttered
this question men
tally a hundred
times, but he
never felt his lit
tleness as he did
that night when
that one word of
contempt and soorn
red lips of Janet
foil from the
Lyon.
full
She was the acknowledged belle of
tho Muskegon valley, the daughter of
the senior member of the firm of
Lyon, IlaigUt ft Co. Janet was not a
child of fashion, but a strong, healthy
child of the pine woods. Muskegon
was the end of the world to ber, and
nt the time of which we write was a
mere village, with no connection with
the outside world.- It was yet the
lumberopolis of Western Michigan
aud rapidly growing in importance.
It was at a dance in a log house
near Maple Top that Mark Farnham
received the rebuke described. A
great, hulking logger had trodden on
tho skirt of Janet's cashmere and
rippod it at the waist. The logger
merely said "Blank the dress," aud
went on with his dancing.
"Tho insulting pnppyl" excluimed
anet, with flushed cheeks. Aud
then, a tuinnto later, she turned on
Mark Farnham, her escort, a little,
palo-faced fellow, with mild blue eyes
ud effemiuate cast of countenance,
with tho one word that opeus our
sketch.
What would she have him do?
Too well the pale little book-keeper
knew the backwoods code. It was
his duty to insist on an apology from
the bulky logger or flog him for his
insoleuce. This Mark Farnham was
not able to do. He knew the man
who had insulted Janet as a bully and
hard pet from near the Dam, a village
on the river some six miles from Ma
ple Top.
"There's no use having any trou
ble," said Mark. "If the fellow
troubles you again I'll settle with
him."
"Ob, the ideal" exolaimed Janet.
"I think the next time I go out in
company it will be with a man;" and
she turned ber back on the little
book-keeper and began relating her
troublos to a group of girls near by.
The 'set' was disarranged by the in
cident, and another couplo was called
ou to fill the gap, and then the dance
went on as though nothing had hap
pened. Mark Farnham noticed indignant
glances turned ' toward him by the
backwoods lassies, and knew that the
word coward was repeated from lip to
lip.
"I wonder if Janet would be better
satisfied if I should offer myself a sac
rifice on the altar of her offended dig
nity. I might get my head knocked
off, bnt what would be the use? I'll
see that Damite and make him apolo
gize, if I die the next minute."
But the little book-keeper was - not
permitted the privilege of receiving a
thrashing for Janet Lyon's sake. A
new-comer had appeared upon the
scene in the person of Richard Well
ington, a magnificent picture of mus
cular development, with the dress and
air of a gentleman. He was Lyon,
Haight ft Co.'s foreman in the great
mill at Muskegon, and a prime favorite
with the senior member of the firm.
"The coward permitted that ruffian,
River Dan, to insult me grossly. It
will be a long time before I am seen in
his company again, I can tell you that,"
Janet was saying, as she passed the
little book-keeper, leaning on the arm
of Mr.'.Wellington.
"Where is the fellow now?" ques
tioned Wellington.
"Never mind. I do not care to see
him again. Let it drop."
"But I will punish the scoundrel as
ha deserves. No man shall insult you
while I am around, Janet."
"No, no," and the fair girl clung to
the arm of her Apollo-like companion.
"It is not your quarrel, Dick. I shan't
permit you to make trouble now. I
know if you had been in Mark Farn
ham's place you would have promptly
knocked the ruffian down. I was so
ashamed of him. He is a little cow
ard." Again that word. It cut like a knife,
and the pallid little book-keeper never
before felt his ntter insignificance as
he did this night. He was glad when
the dance came to an end. But Janet
was already tucked under the robes of
Dick Wellington's cutter when Farn
ham went for ber to ride back with
him. Another insult. The pallid
cheeks of the little book-keeper held
two spots of flame as he went alone to
his cutter.
"Goin' oast lh dam. aiu't ye?"
4?
vim
Forgive me that from yon I turn.
To where, like Jewels in their aru;
Her letters lie concealed;
Thnt slow I con them, line by line,
Till from each treasured page doth shino
A flame that leaps to mate with mine,
Uor very soul revealed!
O haunting pictured eyes. I know
How constant is the debt I pwe
Your wituhery of art!
Yet you're bcr counterfeit nt best.
While hero her absolute self expressed,
Tells me from furthest East to West
Hue follows with her heart.
Itev. A. Capes Tarbolton.
- KEEPER.
A stalwart form, in red shirt and
overalls, loomed up before the book
keeper in the moonlight.
Farnham at once recognized the man
who had caused him such extreme hu
miliation this night.
"I am going past the dam," admit
ted Farnham.
"Alone?'!
"I expect so."
"Mebbe you'd take a passenger?"
"Certaiulyjgetin."
The huge bully thrust himself un
der the robe. Farnham seated him
self beside him, and then they went
spinning away over the openings at a
rapid rate.
" 'Twas you with that high-strung
Lyon gal, wa'n't it?"
"Yes," admitted the book-keeper.
"She looked mad enough when I
trod on her dress. Sich trails I don't
admire nohow. No sensible gal would
wear 'em to a dance; but then I've
beeu thinking I didn't do the squar'
thing to-night, cap, so when you see
the gal agin jest tell her I'm sorry I
tore her dress; I didn't go for to do it,
nohow. You'll tell her!"
Farnham said that he would. River
Dan was garrulous, and did most of
the talking, and the little book-keeper
felt that under his rough manners the
giant rivermau had a good heart after
all.
"You see, I'd been takin too many
drinks, was what ailed me, cap-. I
wouldn't insult no respectablo gal for
nothin' iu the world."
The explanation and apology were
ample, and all this had come about
without bad blood, a row and bloody
faces. On tho wholo, Farnham felt
that he had pursued the wisest
course, after all.
The little bookkeeper left River
Dau at the dam aud finished his jour
ney to Oxbow alone.
Mr. Lyon made no mention of the
trouble at the danco to his book
keeper. His daughter gave an account
of her escort's cowardice, but the
lumberman failed to take that interest
his daughter desired.
Matters went on after tho old fash
ion. Mark Farnham had been a fre
quent visitor at the Lyou house, but
since the danoe at Maple Top he had
held himself aloof. The little book
keeper had been hit in a tender spot
and he could not forget how Jauet
looked when she uttered the word
coward.
The foreman came ofteu to Oxbow,
and Janet aud the haudsome Apollo
were much together. The loggers
coupled the name of the two, and in
timated that Dick would feather his
nest bofore long. The little book
keeper heard, but remained silent.
He could not discuss a subject that
was of a most painful nature to him.
He believed Janet cared something for
him, until that affair at the Maple
Top dance. From that time she had
cut him effectively. He had pride, as
well as the belle of tho Muskegon, and
from that fatal night they met as
strangers.
The pallor of the little bookkeeper s
face seemed to deepen. His eyes
were hollow, and his cheeks sunken.
He attended to business devotedly,
and no one noticed any change in
little Mark f arnham.
The winter passed. Late in March
the ioe in the river begau to move.
Soon a tremendous roaring filled the
ears of the citizens of Oxbow. Peo
ple gathered on the bank to see the
ice go out. It was a grand sight, as
the huge cakes, nearly a foot in thick
ness, went crashing down over the
dam with a mighty seething, grinding
roar.
On with irresistible fury swept the
mighty mass, hurled with tremendous
fury by the rapidly rising waters
which the warm spring rains had
augmented to a mighty flood. Clone
behind the ice came a mighty jam of
pine logs. The river was fast clog
ging, and a huge jam was formed
agaiustthe dam which had lately been
built across the river.
"A jam must not be permitted to
form there," cried John Lyon, as he
saw the rolling and tumbling mass of
logs halting, choking the river on the
brink of the dam.
Among those gathered on the bank
was River Dan from the dam.
"Get your pick-levers, boys!" he
cried in a loud voice.
The logs had already formed a jam,
and men in red shirts, with picks aud
peevies, Were flocking to the danger
ous jam, working with might and
main to keep the mighty mass of
pine moving.
The female portion of Oxbow was
out watching the movements of the
red-shirts. Right in the center of tho
river, not far from where the water
boiled and seethed over the dam,
was Dick Wellington, giving orders
iu a stentorian voice. It was a din
ger ous place, and Janet Lyon's
cheeks blauched bs she saw him.
The logs on the further shore were
kept moving, and the current of the
river swept that way with tho fury of
au avalanche. The red-shirts had
been working au hour with desper
ate energy, and many of them were
exhausted.
"Go ashore, bays, and get a lunch;
tho greatest danger is past; Welling
ton and I will hold the fort until you
return."
It was Mr. Lyon who spoko. lie
had gone to the renter of the river
with the coolness of an old log-driver.
The men obeyed. The greater part
of the logs had passed, the principal
danger being over. Half the river
was yet blocked with logs piled to a
great bight, forming a jam that looked
impregnable.
Scarcely had the last man reached
the shore, when a wild cry rose
above the roar of the foaming water:
"Merciful Powers! The whole jam
is going!"
Then wild with a loud cracking, a
terrifio roar, and logs weut with a
mighty rush over tho dam ou the Ox
bow shore.
' 'Good heaven ! They ai e lost !"
This cry went np, as all eyos were
turned upon Mr. Lyon and his fore
man, now the only occupants ot the
jam. It did seem as though they wore
doomed, but they were saved for the
time as by a miracle. In the ceuter
of the dam a few of the logs held
firm, and soon all had swept through
but tbii bit of jam iu the middle of
the stream. An expanse of foaming
water boiled past ou either side, and
the narrow jam swayed and trembled
as it hung suspended over the dam.
Below teu feet, was a sea of foam,
where the water, iu pouring over the
dam, was lashed to wild fury ou rooks
and stones.
Both men felt the awful danger,
almost certain death, that stared them
them in the face.
'There's no chance for them fel
lers; they're good as gone, that's sar
tin," uttered River Dan.
Swaying and groaning, the floating
island seemed every moment ready to
go over into the boiling waters below.
A dumb horror rested over the crowd
of startled loggers on shore.
A pallid-cheeked girl, with streaming
hair, reached the water's edge and
stood with outstretched hands ap
pealing to strong men for help. No
one moved.
"Are you all cowards?" sho cried,
facing tho multitude. Brawny men
with red shirts were there, but none
moved at the appeal from the girl's
blanohed lips.
"No use, miss," said River Dau.
"That ar jam won't last many inin
nits. No boddy kin help 'em; they're
goners, sure."
"Take yonder caaoe and go to tho
rescue."
Jauet would have rushod to the res
cue herself had not strong arms held
her back. Weak, moaning, almost
fainting, tho girl pleaded iu vain.
"No use; a boat would go over in a
jiffy. Thsui fellers can't be saved."
"There is one chance in a hun
dred." Ajlow voico uttered tho words, and
Janet saw a slender form glide past
toward a small Iudiau canoe that
rested ou the bauk. About the man's
arm was a coil of rope. When the
man gained the foaming edge of the
water he swung his arm aloft and
cried:
"Somo oi you take an end of this
rope. I am goiug to rescue those
men if possible."
"Goodness! it's the little bookkeep
er!" "He'll drown, sure."
But Mark Farnham heeded not the
comments of tho crowd. He seemed
to realize that time was precious, and
at once pushed the light asheu canoe
into tho river. Seizing the paddle,
and fixing his rope so that it would
pay out from between his thiu knees,
tho littlo bookkeeper begau paddling
up the stream. Strong hands had
grasped the end of the rope and it be
gan paying out rapidly, whon Farn
ham turned aud shot Bwiftly into the
center of the stream.
He managed so that the canoe came
down on the upper side of the swaying
jam. Instantly the canoe was sucked
under and lost, but Farnham sprang
to the surface of the logs, rope in
hand, and quickly made one end fast
to an upright log.
"Quick, Mr. Lyon! There's no
time to lose."
The mill-owner remonstrated, and
urged the bookkeeper to go ahead;
this he absolutely refused to do.
Mr. Lyon went forward, grasped
the rope aud passed, hand over hand,
to the shore. A great shout went np
when he landed.
Next cama Dick Wellington. He
was heavy, and the rope sagged badly.
Farnham felt the jam tremble at each
surge of tho foremau's body. Sud
denly the log to which the rope was
attached gave way and fell. Instant
ly tho ropo flew far out into tho
stream. Dick was near the shore and
was rescued.
The little bookkeeper stood alone
on the jam, which was now trembling
and threatening to fall to pieces.
Farnham's face blauched. He seemed
to realize that he was doomed.
"Another canoe, quick 1 Go back,
Dick Wellington, and save Mr.
Faroham!"
It was Janet who spoke, but the
dripping Apollo turned away with a
shudder.
"Not for a farm would I risk my life
out yonder again."
He was not called upon to do so,
A great crash and roar sickened the
crowd ou shore. The jam, with its
lone occupant, had disappeared!
"The mau is past all earthly help."
It was Dr. Gould who uttered the
words as he rose from contemplating
the bittered, bleeding form ou the
sand.
From below the dam the little book
keeper bad been dragged from the
river, bleeding aud insensible. Ho
lay at the feet of Janet Lyon, who
bent with streaming eyes above the
dripping body.
"Speak to me, Mark, speak,"
moaned tho belle. The white lids nn
closed and a pair of blue eyes looked
into the faco of the kneeling girl. A
smile touched the purple lips.
"I saved him Dick Wellington? I
knew you loved him;, it was for your
sake, Janet. I know you will forgive
me for being a coward now."
"Oh, Mark! Mark!"
A faint tremor moved his frame as
the girl attempted to raise the little
bookkeeper's head. A moment later
she held a dead weight in her arms.
The great soul of Mark Farnham had
gone from the small body forever.
Oxbow did itself proud at the fu
neral of the little bookkeeper, and one
genuine mourner there was, at least,
the belle of the Muskegon. When
Dick Wellington asked for her hand
two months later, he met with a cold
refusal. Some people wondered why
Janet Lyon never married. Does the
reader wonder? New York News.
SCIENTIFIC AND INDUSTRIAL
More steel is used in the manufac
ture of pens than in all the sword and
gun factories in the world.
Professor Dewar recently stated in
the course of a lecture at the Royal
Institution of Great Britain that there
has been a great development in the
application of liquid air as au analyti
cal agent.
The photographic action of light,
though not destroyed at very low tem
peratures, is diminished by eighty per
cent, the loss being greatest iu the
violet light which at ordinary tempera
tures is the most effective.
The latest of the lofty outputs of
science to be established has recently
been put on the summit of Mount
Kosciusko, 7328 feet high, the most
elevated point in Australia. It is a
meteorological observatory.
Modern medicine says that goat's
milk, contrary to the general impres
sion, differs from cow's milk not in
being more digestible, but in being
less digestible and less nutritious, al
though it contains a larger amount of
solid matter than cow's milk. It is,
indeed, the most indigestible of all
milk.
The electric heater of M. Fernand
Le Roy is similar in principle to the
incandescent lamp. Instead of the
fine filament of carbon of the latter a
rod of pure silicon several times as
thick is used, and this is enclosed iu
a glass tube from which the air is ex
hausted, the wholo being mounted on
a protecting tube of metal.
An impact testing machine is beiug
dosigned for the engineering labora
tory of the Massachusetts Institute of
Technology. It will resemble a pile
driver in general construction, aud is
to have a five hundred-pound hammer,
with a drop of about eight feet. It
can be used for both transverse and
longitudinal tests, so as to indicate the
effect of impact in cross breaking and
compression.
A paving brick, said to be the equal
to granite, while having the advantage
of regular shape, is now being made
in Eisloben, Thnringia, from copper
slag. As sudden cooling of the ma
terial forms a brittle glassy mass, the
moulde are heated before the slag is
run in from the smelting furnace, and
annealing is effected by thickly cover
ing the filled moulds with sand and al
lowing them to stand seventy-two
hours or more. The moulds are of
iron, each having a capacity of thirty
six bricks.
A remarkable development of taste
in birds is one quoted from The- En
tomologist. The starling, which has
been newly introduced into New Zea
land, has been observed catching
humble bees aud killing them for their
young. Having by this means, ap
parently,, discovered the honey sacs
carried by tho bees, they havo ac
quired a taste for honey, which they
now seek in the flax flats among the
richly mellifluous flowers. Possibly
this was the origin also of the taste
for honey possessed by the tui, or
parson bird, a member of tho stnrling
family, which preys upon humble
bees.
Utah Km rientr of Brimstone
There is no reason iu the world why
the industries ia this country that use
brimstone should worry about their
ability to obtain all they want. It
may be that their eyes have been
turuod toward foreign shores tor so
long a time for this commodity that
they will be unable for some little
time to look inland and toward Utah,
which has enough sulphur within her
borders to supply not only the Amer
ican market, but the markets of the
world. The sulphur beds at Cove
Crook are practically inexhaustili'e.
They are at a disadvantage in being
some twenty miles away from the mil
road. But the supply is there, and if
the price should, advance so o.i to war
rant hipping it, it would very soon
be shipped. If tho dealers iu sulphur
are not aware of tho Utah s.ipply they
should be made acquainted with tho
fact of its existeuco. Our ports miijlit
be all blockaded, still tho resources of
the country are so great and so varied
that practically every want of the peo
ple could bo readily supplied; few
countries are so fortunately situated
in this respect. Salt Luke (Utah)
Herald.
Til. Building of a Furl ii nr.
"They tell us," said Mr. Gutt.Ic
ton, "that 'every mau is tho architect
of his own fortune,' and this is doubt
less truo, but it is equally true tliul
every man if ho would have n fortune,
must also actually build it himself, ami
how few of us ever get beyond draw
ing the pluns!" New York Sim.
Fur Weak llr;-llii.
A food most soothing to a htoim.cl
not ou good terms with itself is becl
tea, prepared from beef jelly. It is
much more nourishing than thnt sold
by chemists. A tablespoonful of becl
jelly dissolved by pouring boiling wa
ter over it is as nourishing as lln-ec-fourths
of u potiud of broiled beefsteak.
THE MERRY SIDE OF LIFE.
STORIES THAT ARE TOLD BY THE
FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS.
A Soldier'. Farewell The Worst His
Trouble A Case In PointStuck Up
The Baseball Version A Running
Fighter True of Both, Etc., Ktc.
Blie bravely bade her Horace goodby,
That girl with the auburn hair.
And smiled through the teur that dimmed
her eye,
Tbnt girl with the auburn hair.
And she kissed him, and kissed him, and
kissed him,
That girl with the auburu hair,
And kissed him, and kissed blm, and ktssod
nlm,
And kissed bim, and kissed hlin, and kissed
blm.
And his soldior comrades had to assist him
To leavo that girl so fair.
Chicago Tribune.
The Worst. "
She "I want to go to Europe tho
worst way."
He "Swim." New York World.
- HI. Trouble.
Waggles "The doctors say you
must not worry after a meal."
Raggles "Well, how will I get tho
next one?"
Trn. of Both.
"They say a man is always nervous
when he proposes."
"And a girl is always nervous when
he doesn't."
Stock Up.
"Whatever is the matter with Fido?"
"Oh, isn't it horrid? I gave him to
the laundress to wash, and she
starched him."
The Baaeball Version.
First Baseball Player "Spain will
never beat America."
Seoond Baseball Player "No, sho
can't bunch her hits."
Unrelenting.
Isabel "When I saw her she said
she would never speak to you again."
Ella "Yes; she has told mo that
twice since then." Pack.
A Case In Point.
Mother (to Bobbie) "You must not
put off till to-morrow what you can do
to-day."
Bobbie "Then let's finish tho plum
pudding."
Mot III. Fault.
Knicker "Strange that Henpekt
didn't leave any will."
Bockor "Well, ho said that siuce
his marriage he couldn't havo ouo of
hia own."
A ltnnnlng Fighter.
Albert "Did you know that it is
impossible to run at au elevation of
17,000 feet above sea level?"
Edward "Be a mighty poor place
for a battle, wouldn't it?" Cincinnati
Enquirer.
Ye Fond Farewell.
First Recruit "Say, but war's a
great thing!"
Second Ditto "Huh! How?"
First Recruit "Why, it's a mean,
unpatriotic sort of girl who wont kiss
a fellow good-by."
.
It Wasn't ltlchard.
Rector (shortsighted) "Well, Rich
ard, hard at work, oh?" Lot mo see,
you aro Richard, arou't you?"
Laborer "No, sir; Oi bo John, sir.
You 'ad the pleasure o' buryiu' Rich
ard last week, you remember, sir!"
Punch.
An Affitlr of llonur.
Farmer Swett "You say you be
long to the army of unemployed?
Well, now, my friend, I guess I kin
give you something of a job to-day."
Toylo Knott "What! An' havo
me be a deserter from do army? Ye
don't know military ethics, do ye?"
Puck.
After the Hervlce.
"That hymu about Greenland's Icy
Mountains," said oue church membor,
"sot mo thinkiug."
"About what?" asked his com
panion. "About how much thoso icy moun
tains would be worth, with ico soiling
at ten cents a chunk." Puck,
The One Exception,
"Everybody seems to hove a now
bonnet this morning," whispered Mrs.
Highmore, "except that quiet littlo
woman in the brown dross who just
now came in."
"Yes," whispored Mrs. Upjohu in
reply. "It's more than likely she can't
afford it. She's tho pastor's wife."
Chicago Tribuue.
An Uncommon Man.
Johnny Thickuock "There's a
smart old man Grau'pa Tottorly.
He's so old he's about to shako to
pieces; but, I'll tell you, he's tho
stuff!"
Bobby Squauoh "He don't look
like much!"
Johnny Thiekncek "Wul, ho is!
He don't think the boys of to-day ore
a bit more foolish and worthless than
they used to bo when he was a boy!"
Puck.
They're All on Deck.
Ho was endeavoring to cross a boule
vard. "I should infer," he begau, and
theu he found it necessary to jump
about four foet and dodge.
"That is to say," heexpluinod, "ouo
would naturally imagiiie "
He saved himself this time by jump
tug backward.
"That bicyclists are not patriotic,"
he said iu conclusion.
"Why so?" demanded his com
panion. He waited until he was safe ou the
sidewalk before answering. Then ho
said:
"Because, if they were, it is only
natural to suppose that some of them
would have gone with the troops, while
my experience in trying to cross boule
vards aud well paved streets shows
that there isu't ouo missing. "Chicago
Post.
HO. FOR THE HEN AND IHk, COW!
King bo for the South Dakota cow,
Blug hi for the little brown hen;
Such a couple was never on earth below
To feither the nests of meo;
With the golden products of good Queen
Boss
No "udder" can compare,
While the snowy fruit ot the cackling
"bute"
Brings a solace for every care.
Men risk their lives for the shining ore
Deep laid In a frozen clime.
When these faithful servants bring them
more.
And penoe at the self-same time;
With pasture In plenty and bugs galore,
They never will lack for feed;
Their stock Is nt par at the grocery store
For things that the farmers need.
Then three times three for the bovlnr
"she,"
And three for the female fowl!
At the furmor's door which tbey feed be
fore
No wolf has a chance to howl.
No poet's dream evor bntclied a theme
More worthy a poet's pen
Than the kindly queen ot tho prairies
green
And tho busy, cackling hen.
Bloux City Journal.
HUMOR OF THE DAY.
Why isn't the bookkeeper's lunch
the bite of an adder?
Dividend What the stockholders
get after the directors divide.
There are some women who enjoy
making a martyr of themselves so
much that they fairly dissipate in it.
When you're nngry count a hundred;
This is wisdom, so they sav.
For it gives the man you're wad at
Lots of time to gut away.
Chicago Record.
Dorthy (eating a seedless orange)
"Oh, mamma, what do you think!
Here's an orange boru without any
bones in it."
"Mother," askod little Johnny, peer
ing iu between two uncut leaves of the
magazine, "how did they ever got the
printing iu there?"
Jean "There are two things a wo
man cannot keep very long.". Mario
"And they are?" Jean "A secret
and a diary." Standard.
According to a Missouri Coroner's
jury, the deceased "came to his death
by beiug struck by a railroad train
iu the bauds of a receiver." Crypt. .
Living Skeloton "They say that
now freak gets five hundred a week.
What is he?" Armiess Man "He's a
deaf aud dumb prize-fighter." Judgo.
Out In the grass upon the glado
Home littlo lambs you meet,
While others oa the board of trado
Make merry In the wheat.
Detroit Free Press
"I should think some of the dotec
lives would make good North Pole ex
plorers." "Why?" "They are used
to looking for what they can't find."
Puck.
"Thoro is a German proverb which
says: 'No looking glass ever tells a
woman sho is ugly.'" "No sensible
man over does, either." Cleveland
Leader.
Tho Camol (to tho Folar Bear)
"Oh, I don't know! You're not so
warm." The Polar Bear "Well, I
don't see what you'vo got your back
up about." Standard.
Miss Cordelia Summers (upon pre
sentation of some flowers by young
pupils) "Yes, children, this is my
birthday. You see I am getting old
very, very old!" Children (enthusi
astically) "Yes, ma'am!" Truth.
"Haven't I told you," asked the
father, "to always tell the truth?"
"Yes, you told me that," the young
man admitted, "and at another time
you told mo never to become the slave
of a habit." Indianapolis Journal.
Mrs. Call "It's too bad of you,
Ethel, to worry your mamma so."
Ethol (aged five, tearfully) "Oh,
well, Mrs. Call, if you'd lived with
mamma as loug as I have you'd know
which of us was to blunio." Judge.
"Aud your daughter paiutod this
beautiful picture?" Mrs. Uppstart
"My daughter paint it? No, indeed!
Her teacher did tho work. Consider
ing what wo pay him for lessons, it
was tho least ho could do!" Boston
Transcript.
Customer "If you evor send me
another piece of meat like the last one
I'll tako away my custom." Butcher
"What's the matter with it?" Cus
tomer "Why, it was so tough that
when it was cooked I couldu't got my
fork even into the gravy." Standard
Little Boy "How soon are you and
Sis goiu' to be married?" Accepted
Suitor "She has not named Ihe day
yet. I hope she does not believo iu
long engagements." Littlo Boy
"Sho doesn't, I kuow, 'cause all her
engagements have been short."
Stuudard.
Silas (who has just proposed "Ye
think, theu, that ye don't wont ter
marry me?" Surah "Well, Silas, I
don't like to hurt your feelings, but
" Silas "Say! yo needn't ans
wer me to-day. Just wait till I get
my new suit of clothes. I wout ye to
see me in them!" Puck.
Jack (tenderly, to littlo brother of
adored one) "Would you like to kuow
a secret, Tommy?" Tommy "Should
thiuk I would." Jack "Well, I'm iu
love with your sinter." Tommy "Oh,
that's uo secret. The family has talkod
aliout it every day since Aunt Emma
promised Nell she'd briug about au in
troduction." Standard.
The Travailing- Language.
It is stated that there aro substan
tially 500,000,000 persous speakiug
colloquially ouo or auother of tho
chief modern languages, aud of these
alont twenty-five per cent., or 125,
000,000 persons speak English. About
90,000,000 speak Russian, 75,000,000
German, C.r,000,()0() French, 45,000,
1)00 Spanish, 35,000,000 Italian and
12,000,000 Portuguese.
A Two-Kami Hoy.
The sou and heir of the Grand Puke
of Saxe-Woimar has what is declared
to be the most peculiar face in Europe
oue side of it being continually ex
pressive of joy, while the other side
wears a look of deep Borrow.