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PUBLICAN,
VOL. XXX. NO. 43. TIONESTA. PA.. WEDNESDAY, FEB. ), 1898.
S1.00 PEll ANNUM.
EST
Five nun. lied nua tuirty million
bushels is the official estimate of the
United States wheat crop for 1897.
New York claims to be growing
healthier. The death rate has de
creased six aud a half per cent, since
1891.
Tho Pennsylvonia Baukers' Associa
tion has voted to organize a chapter of
the association, whose purpose shnll
be the erection in Philadelphia of a
bronze statue of Robert Morris, the
patriotic financier of the Revolution,
and the founder of the first organized
banks in the State, of Pennsylvania and
the United States.
Mr. Peary, the Arctio explorer,
speaking of the generous gift of the
Windward mado to him by Mr.
Harmsworth, tho London publisher,
expresses great gratification over this
striking exhibition of English good
'foeling. lie considers it another link
in 'the long chain of international
courtesies exchanged in Arctio explor-
- ation.
It 1b thought that the influence of
the French language, with its unas
pirated h, is the primary cause of that
letter being so much ignored by Eng
lish people. French having been
spoken so long in England and the
people near the coast having come in
contact continually with that lan
guage, nn indelible impression, it is
paid, is left upon it, increased now by
nsa8e- :
According to the Chief of the Penn
sylvania State Bureau of RnilronuJ,
the bicycle is hurting the business of
the railroads. He says: "In cities
like Hairisburg and many others it
cannot be gainsaid that the bicycle
has become a most serious competitor
of the railway. To reinforce this view
of the case an observation was made
on Third street in' that city during
tho month of October, 1897. The
observation covered two days, from
seven in the morning to six iu the
v evening. During that time 6078 per
sons passed a given point, 1962 in the
cars and 4116 on bicycles; 67 7-10 per
cent, on bicycles and 82 8-10 per cent.
on the cars, or more than two to one
in favor of the wheel."
Says the Philadelphia Record
Justice Patterson of New York, in a
speech before the Law Club of that
city recently, deplored the fact that
the law had become so largely a trade
instead of a profession; and on tho
following day Dr. Edward Everett
Hale, in an address bofore an educa
tional body in the same city on "Mor
ality in the Publio Schools," made tho
declaration: "There is duuger of the
managers of a great machine taking
more pride in the machine aud its
workings than in the results it turns
out. Thin is the danger in our publio
schools. " These words will, of course,
be resented as the views of pessimists;
yet they come from men qualified to
speak as publio teachers, and com
, ing simultaneously they gain an eui
pbasis which must command atten
tion. We are accustomed to flatter
ourselves with the idea that our devel
opment along material lines neces
sarily involves a corresponding de
velopceut along intellectual and
moral linos. However that may be,
the fact cau'uo longer be denied that the
commercial iustinet is beginning to
dominate almost every action of our
people.
Anent the agitation in the South for
more diversified farming as a partial
remedy for the alleged over produo
tion of cotton, a correspondent of the
Charleston News and Courier directs
attention to the fact that many years
ago South Carolina had a place in the
reoords as an exporter of wheat flour
and of corn. The flour exports began
about 1760 and continued into the
present century until cotton sup
planted wheat. It is believed that
much more flour was manufaoted iu
the State one hundred years ago than
now., although population aud re
sources have multiplied many fold.
century and a half ago com was "an
important article of export" from the
State, and the trade continued for
over fifty years, as there is a record of
about 100,000 bushels exported in
1792. Not long thereafter corn became
an article of import, aud some years
ago was reported as "the largest'
article of that character. WUat was
done .with the soil of the State 100
vears aero, the Courier says, cau bo
done again. In one country the grow
ing and grindiug of wheat for local con
sumption hus beeu undertake;!, aud
other counties aro advised to follow
the example. "We have proved by
long aud stumbling experience," the
Courier says, "thut cotton does no
take the place of wheat as the 'stuff o
life,' and thut no community cun thrive
whose only manufacturing industry is
that of giuuiuu the fibre for matke'.."
tut ,iiAj;,5
If we bo blithe and warm at heart,
If wo be sound and pure within,
No sorrow shall aliido with us
Longer than dwells the sin:
Though autumn fogs the landscape
Though autumn tempests roam,
Our summer le not over yet
We keep the sun at homo,
I THE RIDDLE
I '
II.V 'Wir.'L.IA.SI
7i
HERE was upon his
fac3 an intense,
and even a comba
tive look, as he
stood in the wind
swept piazza, with
his hand upon the
bell-pull. He
seemed about to
ring Rgain, when
the door opened
and he stepped
quickly iu, while a graceful form re
ceded timidly before him. A pair of
moist, dark eyes and a troubled face
were averted from his, and there was
a husky tremor in the voice which said
to him:
"You mustn't come in, Jeff."
"Madoleine," he bluntly exclaimed,
"what does this mean?"
"Mr. Lapbam! Steve Laphaml"
"Old Jacob Lapham's only your
stepfather. He has no authority over
you. llis son is a traud! xour
mother
"Oh, Jeff, dear! that is the trouble!
They have made her forbid me to
speak to you! I cannot disobey her!
She is dying! They have almost made
ber make me promise. Oh, Jeff, dear,
I'm almost crazy!"
I should say you were, he
growled, with a fierce light dancing
across his face. "It was time for me
to come. Is your mother really bo
low?"
"She may last many days yet; per
haps not twenty-four hours. Stephen
Lapham isn't there, but his father
doesn't leave her for a minute. I've
no chance to Bee her alone. She com
manded me not to speak to you."
No, she didn't," said Jeff. "She
only repeated something after old Jake
Lapham. What she was forced to say
was no command of hers. Do be
reasonable. She hat no right to do
it, anyhow; and she really didu't do
it. Old Jake did. As for Steve,-the
young "
"Don't I know what he is?" said
Madeleine, hysterically. "Didn't I
hear what his father said to him? They
didn't know I heard "
"What did they say?" demanded
Jeff, as she hesitated, and he closed
the door behind him and led her into
the parlor as he added: "What did
you hear? Tell me the whole of it."
"Oh, Jeff, dear," said Madeleiue,
"IVfi T.onliani anid fn KIava tbnf aa
soon as mother died they would re
cord all tho deeds, before proving the
will, aud then they would own every
dollar of the property. He said they
could make me do what they pleased
then."
"What deeds?" he asked, iu a firm
but unexcited way, that seemed to
help her.
"Deeds that mother made,", she
said. "Deeds and things that give
them everything there is to give."
"Did yon ever sign any papers your
self?" asked Jeff. "She couldn't do
it alone."
"I don't know what they were," re
plied Madeleine. "I signed every
paper Jhey had on the table, the night
they said she would die before morn
ing." "When was that?" he asked.
"More than a month ago," she said;
"and they put them all into the safe
in the library."
"I know where it is," said Jeff.
"It's your own safe pow. It opens
with a combination lock. You know
the numbers, of course, and how to
open it?"
"No, I don't," she replied despair
ingly. "I never knew how to open it,
I dou't know the numbers, aud I can't
tell you. They've kept them a secret.
Mother said once that it was the Dec
laration of Independence aud the days
of the week."
"Oh!" exclaimed Jeff, with almost
a laugh; "that's a riddle. Is anybody
in the library now?"
"No," said Madeleine. "Nobody
goes there."
Jeff's face was angry and stormy, in
spite of his calm, reassuring manner,
as he strode to the library-door and
opened it. The room had a chilly,
deserted look, and its grate was empty.
A fireproof safe, pf medium size,
stood iu one corner, and in an in
stant the young man was kneeling be
fore it.
"This is your safe, Madeleiue
Lane," he said. "May I open it?"
"You may, but you can't," she re
plied; but his hand was on the kuob
of the safe-lock, and her cheeks
burned with feverish excitement as
she watched the quick, though care
fill, turns of his wrist.
"Twice this way,"
"Three times that way.
again or was it twice?
Just theu she heard
she counted.
Once around
faint click,
and she saw the door of the sufe swing
wide open. It was as if a feat of
neorotnaucy had been performed be
fore her eyes. Those of Jeff were
seurching the interior of the sufe
"Here they ure!" he exclaimed, as
he pulled out of a pigeon-hole a
package of long-folded, legul-lookiug
documents, aud rose to his feet.
"Please exuniine them with me, Made
leine. "
"This first lot," he said, turning
iheui over, "are all deeds, of one sort
Or I. it.
But If our heart be void and cold.
De euro no (rood will live therein,
, But sorrow for the sorrow's sake,
And sin because of sin;
fold, And aye the dropping of the leaf.
And aye tho fulling of the snow.
And aye the barren, barreu earth
Though summer winds do blow.
-Edward Wilbur Mason, In Youth's Companion,
OF A LOCK. 1
I
O. HTODDAIir,
or another, to your own father, two or
three to your mother, bv which thev
owned their entire property. All of
them are recorded. We have nothing
to do with them. I'll put them back.
There! Mow, Madeleine, just look at
these! All of them new deeds. You
and your mother to Jacob Lapham.
xou and she did actually sign them
all."
"I didn't know what I was signing,"
gasped Madoleine, "But there were
witnesses and a notary."
"Each deed acknowledges a large
sum of mouey actually paid, and here
are the mortgages, bonds, notes, that
old Jake Lapham paid that money out
for." -
"There never were any mortgages,"
huiu iuaucioine, out mose are my
own signatures all of them."
"They are dated as if they had been
signed three years ago," he said; "as
soon as you were old enough. It's a
very completely finished piece of rob
bery. Hellow! What's this?"
"She signed her will that very day,"
replied Madeleine. "Aunt Wickham
and Judge Wickham, and two other
gentlemen, came here with Mr. Lap
ham, and we were all in mother's
room, but none of them knew what
was in the will.
"Exactly!" said Jeff. "How they
did work the matter! Here are two
wills, made the same day. How could
they make those stupid witnesses sign
twice?"
"I heard Mr. Lapham say, 'Sign
here, and sign here,' " said Madeleine.
"Judge Wickham was leaning over
mother and saying something to her."
"He was unsuspecting," said Jeff.
"This is really her will, giving all to
you and making Judge Wickham and
Deacon Morris her executors. This
other thing gives all to Jacob Lap
ham and makes him sole executor,
giving you only a life estate. It says
a great deal more, but it's a fraud."
At that moment he was lighting a
match aud removing the blower from
the library-grote.
"Oh, Jeff, you dare not!" exclaimed
Madeleine, "you must notU What are
you going to do?"
'Nothing at all, he said, calmly.
"But fire is good for fraud. How
well it all burns! There go the deeds,
and the mortgages, and the bonds.
and all the notes. The will went up
like a flash."
"Dear me!" she said; but Jeff was
once more investigating the safe.
"Madeleine," he said, "here's a
stack of greenbacks, and it's your own
mouey. It is right where he can get
it. Dou't yon think it ought to be iu
a safer place?"J
"It must be mine!" she exclaimed.
"It can't be his! He hasn't anything.
He meant to steul it, surely!"
"Meant to?" replied Jeff. "Why,
he has already stolen it aud hidden it
here. This is your safe, to be sure.
but it isn't safe enough. You are
going to put your money into the
Compton National Bank. Fifteeu
thousand dollars and more. All that
old Jacob Laphuin has stolen during
several years, except what Steve has
wasted; one way or another."
"Put it into the bauk for me, Jeff,"
said Madeleiue. "I dare not, and I
cannot bear to leave the house."
H'TH put the will right back where
I found it," he said, as he did so.
"They all saw it deposited here?"
"Yes," replied Madeleine. "Uncle
Wickham aud the witnesses came down
and saw it put away there."
"That's where they will find it,
then, when they come to look for it,"
said Jell', aud he seemed to be worry
ing iu a very curious way around the
lock of the safe. "There! That'll
do, I guess. Now, Madeleine, I
must go."
Not many, not very many, seconds
later Jeff walked unconcernedly out
of the house, as if nothing extraordin
ary had happened. Madeleiue, on the
other hand, after closing the door be
hind him, went slowly and thought
fully upstairs.
A door at her right oponod at that
moment, and a tail, grim-looking
woman stood iu it.
"How is mother?" asked Madeleine.
"Is Mr. Lapham there?"
"He is asleep just now," said the
nurse. "She has not stirred or
Bpoken."
Madeleine walked past her iuto the
room, and bent ubove an emaciated
form lying upon the bed.
The face was placid, but there could
be no misuuderstauding of tho mes
sage it conveyed.
"Oh, if I could but speak to her!"
thought Madeleiue, while her whole
frame shook aud her own face grew as
white as was thut upon which she was
gazing, aud then a faint whisper broke
through her hps:
"Mother!"
A pair of blue eyes opened languid
ly, and the nurse now at the window,
did not hear as acutely as did Made
leine: I
"My daughter! Kiss me!"
So quick, so passionate, so agoniz
ingly intense was that meeting at the
lips; but Madeleiue could now whis
per:
."Jeff has been here mother. lie
sent his love to you."
' ...vo u:m tiy love, uear. iiy son!
It is easier to leave you with
him "
Just then the nurse turned sudden
ly from the window, aud a burly form
which had laiu upon a sofa near it
sprang vigorously to its feet and strode
to the bedside.
"Madeleine Lane! how dare yon?
She must not talk! Have I not for
bidden this sort of thiug?"
"She is my mother, Mr. Lapham,
and you are not my father," said
Madeleine, resolutely. "But I think
it best not to speak to her again, just
now. If I did think best I should do
so."
There was a motion of a thin hand
on the coverlet, and it was obeyed.
Madeleine stooped aud kissed her
mother, nud theu glided out of the
sick-room, closely followed by the
wrathful face of old Jacob Lapham.
As for Jefferson Meredith, his walk
to the village had beeu rapid, and his
first visit was made at the bank. His
next errand was to a dingily respect
able law office.
"Judge Wickham," he said to tho
white-haired geutloman who wel
comed him, "Miss Lane is somehow
awaro that you and Deacon Morris
are executors of her mother's will
"I had an idea, from herself, that I
was to be one of them "
"And the wishes you to be ready to
act at once. She is not upon good
terms with old Jake and Steve."
"Ugh!" exclaimed the old lawyer.
"Tell her I'll be ready."
Perhaps it was as well that Made
leine watched at her window, looking
toward the village, and that Jeff was
not again compelled to ring the door
bell, for at the moment when she ad
mitted him old Jacob Lapham was iu
the library.
"You take care of the bank-book,"
she said, when he had swiftly de
tailed his business doings. "Don't
stay."
His face had darkened cloudily over
what she had herself told him, but it
cleared somewhat as he turned away.
Even Madeleine did not hear him say
to himself, aloud, as he was going
down the steps: "Oh, but don t I
wish I could see old Jake and Steve at
work on that safe!"
Madeleine reached her room again
unobserved, all the more Bafely be
cause her stepfather was crouching
before that obstinate fireproof safe,
twisting the knob to numbers that he
knew, but which the lock refused to
know anything about. He muttered,
too, fiercely, even explosively, and at
last he arose, exclaiming:
"Well! If I can't open it, nobody
else can. sometimes those things will
work so. I ve known it happen be
fore. At any rate, I've got all those
things fixed so that the property can't
get away from me. I m sole executor,
and the will just nails nnd clinches the
deeds."
Madeleine lingered iu her room
only for a long, deep, silent fit of
thinking. At the end of it she arose
from her chair with a hard-drawn
breath, and once more went over to
the sick-room.
The form npon the bed lay very
still, but the loving blue eyes opened
as Madeleine again grasped the thin
hand in hers.
"I gave your message to Jeff,
mother. He sent his love to you
again.
"I wish I could see him. My son!"
she whispered. "Say good-by to him
for me, dear. Kiss mo, Madeleine,
There there good-by. "
There was a heavy baud upon Mad
eleine's shoulder, as she rose, but she
did not turn her fixed gaze from her
mother's face.
"What does she mean?" be harsh
ly, hoarsely demanded. "Her son?"
There was no answer in words, but
even Jacob Lapham turned pale, aud
the advancing nurse drew back again,
while Madeleiue sauk npon her knees
for they were all suddenly aware
that the last messenger had come.
For Madeleine Laue all earthly
things were veiled and put away. That
hour of sobs and silence was no time
to consider questions of property.
There were others in the house,
however, whose business activities
were hindered, very apparently, less by
the presence of death than by the
strange perverseness of the look of the
safe iu the library. The knob of it was
twisted and twisted in the most weari
some way.
"Steve," remarked an anxious
voice, at last, "we must have that
money out! The deeds aud mortgages
must be recorded! Only one will
must be found there! This is awful!"
"We've some days yet, father, and
we can blow it open."
"We must do it ourselves, then. It
won't do to have auybody else open
that safe. We must let Madeleine
alone, too, until after the funeral."
"I don't care," growled Steve, "so
long as Jeff Meredith is kept out of
the house. Her Aunt Wickham is up
there with her now."
Aunt Wickham remained with Mad
eleine all through the long, dark night
of the first mourning. Then followed
the strange days of interval between a
death and a burial. Old Jacob Lap
ham had a great deal of walking up
aud down in the parlor to do, for he
was a bereaved man, with more than
one grief to carry. The lock of the
safo hud much twisting to endure, but
it still refused to remember its num
bers. Judge Wickham came in, and Mr.
Lapham began to say something to
him about the sufe aud its contents,
aud its conduct.
"Pooh, pooh, Jacob!" responded the
old lawyer; "you are in no oonditiou
for busiuess. It's no time for it, eith
er. Wait till after the funeral. I'll at
tend to everything for you just now.
Madeleine, too she's all broken
down."
Another night passed aud another
i day came, aud at the hour appointed
Intra were cm t.v;rs at tue door, x hero
was no occasion for remark, however,
when the mourners came out of the
house, in the fact that Madeleine
leaned ou the arm of Judge Wickham,
and entered a carriage with him and
his wife, her mother's sister, and with
her mother's friend, Mrs. Meredith.
If her Btopfnther and stepbrother did
not like it, that was not the time for
them to say so, or to employ author
it v.
The house was regained and was re
entered by tho family party, Bnd no
body else seemed to notice that Judgo
Wickham went in lust, and that, as ho
did so, he took the key out of the door
and put it iu his pocket.
"Wickham," rs-ul Mr. Lapham, as
the old lawyer joined the rest in the
parlor, "come in hero a moment. I
can't open the safe. Nobody else
knows the combination, but it won't
open. Her will is there "
"Try it again, Jacob try it again,"
said the judge, placidly. "You've
been too agitated, too nervous "
"We'll have to havo it blown open,"
said Mr. Lnphain; "but just to show
how it is "
And he did try it, with ostentatious
precision, in full confidence that the
look would continue its obstinacy, but
when he remarked, "There!" and gave
a hard pull, open flew tho door of the
safe and its contents were on publio
exhibition.
I declare!" exclaimed Mr. Lap
ham, springing to his feet. "Romnrk
able!" "There's the will," said Judge Wick
ham, calmly, as ho sunt a long arm in
and pulled out a paper lyiug iu full
view.
The eyes of Jacob Lapham were
frantically se.i'vhing tho iuterior of
tho big iron e: for something which
they did not seem to find.
That is all. All correct, continuod
Judge Wickham. "Deacon Morris
aud I are executors. Everything goes
to Madeleiue! 1 11 take possession at
once. That is, I'll leave her in full
possession."
"Give me that paper!" roared Jacob
Lapham. "It isn't tho will!"
"Yes, it is!" replied the judgo. "I
know the signatures. I saw it put
there. I was here. It's all right,
Jacob."
"There's another will! The safo
has been robbed! Money missing!
Papers misBing! I'm robbed!"
"It isn't your safe, Jacob; it is Miss
Lane's safe. If there is another will,
produce it."
"Leave the house! I'm in control
here! Get out! I'm in possession!
"I think not," answered Judge
Wickham. "Your authority has
ceased. Miss Laue is '.iu possession.
She is absolute, unquestionable owner.
You and Steve must got"
It was of little use to storm, but of
course there was a storm, and it was
all the worse because of the bewilder
ing conduct of that safe. It con
tained no other will, and when Judgo
Wickham shut it up it almost seemed
to wink at him. The Judge did not
storm, but he was firm, and so was
Madeleine, aud she, too, was calm,
although she remarked:
"If Stephen were a gentleman he
would not wish to remain, knowing,
as he does, how utterly I detest him.
After what you have said and done,
Mr. Lapham, you must go at ouce.
All that belongs to you has been put
into your own room."
"Come upstairs," Steve," said hie
father; and as soon as they wero iu
Steve's room, he added: "Wickham
is coing out to fii.d Morris. As soon
as he is gone we will search that safe."
"We'll clean it out, too," said
Steve.
Hardly had thoy left the library,
however, before Jeffersou Meredith
came iu from the dining-room, where
he had passed most of his time during
the funeral services, and ouce more
ho worried the lock of the safe a little.
"Is it all right, Jeff?" asked Judge
Wickham. "Am not I to know the
new combination? Can't you explain
it to me?"
"Simplest thiug in the world," said
Jeff "Lots of people remember their
safo combinations that way. The rid
dle was no riddle at all."
"Independence, Fourth of July,
and the days of the week? How was
it? I must say it's a riddle to nie."
"Why," said Jeff, "don't you see it?
The year, 1776. The days, 7. Di
vide so 17 7 76. to get your three
numbers. Twist the kuob the usual
way. That did it."
"How is it now?" asked the lawyer.
"All iudependeuce and freedom,"
said Jeff. "It is 172176, aud
that's what'U puzzle old Jacob when
he comes dowu stairs. But it's a good
thiug to kuow bow to set aud reset a
lock."
Jeff was iu another part of the house
wheu the Laphitui were puzzled, but
he knew how it was. Even the lock
seemed to enjoy it os they tried to
tuuke it onee more remember its old
numbers.
"It's an awful riddle, Steve,"
groaned old Janob; "but we can't get
in."
That, alas for them, meant thut
their plot had failed, and thut they
must get out .
Only a few weeks later Jefferson
Meredith was slowly, thoughtfully
turning a pluiu gold ring upon oue of
Mrs. Madeleiue MertTlith's fingers.
"I feel so sufe now," she said; "and
it is what mother would have wished.'
"Madeleine," he answered her,'
"there are some combinations of
which only God knows tho secret.
This is one of them, ami it is locked
forever." MoC.'s Monthly.
A riiyslciau'e Paradise.
A place for physicians to emigrate
to is the city of llamuh, south of
Aleppo. Though it contains 60,000 in
hubituuts, among whom diseases of
the eye, iu particular, are rampant,
there is not a single physician iu the
city.
THE MERRY SIDE OF LIFE.
STORIES TOLD BY 1 HE FUNNY MEN
OF THE PRESS.
tint fr l'laee A Red Shot Tie Wns Over
look1 Tlie rrerlous 1 nnorrnt Not
Fuelled .litctglni; by the Ronml Dhln't
Want to lie Hurried Itrfoniiliio;, Etc.
llrt had faced some angry mobs, ha hnd
spoken from the stump;
He had been npon the pint form too;
But he lost bis nerve anil blushed and felt
like a silly chump
When his wlfey took ill in trnlltng through
Tho biff department stores that wore
crowded to the doors
With women who appeared to think that
hn
Hnd pushed himself into where everybody
knew
K modest, manly man should never,
never be.
7. nshlngton Star.
A Hint Shot.
Ethel "Why does lightning never
striko twice in tho some place?"
Dick "Can't find the place."
Yellow Book.
The Precious Innocent.
Ke "Do yon think there is rcolly
any danger in kissing?"
She "Wait till I go on tho stairs
aud listen to find out whether papa is
asleep or not."
Illdn't Want to Ite Hurried,
Lena "Why are you in such a
hurry for Jack to propose?"
Edith "I want to havo plenty of
time to think the matter over before
accepting him."
lis Waa Overlooked.
Ziggs (slapping his friend on the
back) "Well, it's settled, old man;
the cards are out."
Zaggs (who didn't get oue) "Did
they run out?" Detroit Journal.
Judging by the Sound.
Mrs. Grady "O, Pat! Ol fiuk tho
baby 's got somcthin' in his t'roat!"
Mr. Grady "So do Oi, bogorrnh!
And Oi'm t'inkin' it's either n fog
horn or a locomotive phwhititle!"
Puck.
Not Excited.
"I hear," said the zephyr, "that
yon have been raging through tho
Northwest."
"Never was a worse mistake,"
howled the blizzard. "I was quite
cool." Indianapolis Journal.
How She Tell Time in the Dark.
"My wife can toll what time it is iu
the middle of the night when it is pitch
dark?"
"How does she do it?"
"She makes me get up and look at
the clock." Chicago Record.
A Matter of Conjecture.
She "She feels hurt because she
has heard that you said she was no
chicken."
He "Oh! I wonder if the average
young lady would consider it a com
pliment to bo called chicken?"
Puck.
Not Necessary,
"I suppose," said the village deacon
to the minister, "thnt your constant
prayer is thnt you may ever bo poor
and humble?"
"Not exactly," replied tho minister.
"I pray that 1 may remain humble,
but my cougregntiou attends to the
other part of it." Chicago News.
Iteforttilns;,
"Your money or your life!" shouted
the footpad.
"I have no money," said the vic
tim, "aud my life will be of no use to
you."
"I don't know about that," re
plied tho footpad. "I have been
thinking for some time of trying a new
life." Philadelphia North American.
Just llefore the KoKHgeiiieul.
"I see they have a machine now
for photographing one's thought's,"
he said for want of something better
to say.
"I wish you could photograph
mine," she returned.
"Why?" he asked.
"Possibly it would encourage you a
little," she answered.
Shortly thereafter it was decided
that he should "see papa" just as soon
as he could muster up sullicieut cour
age. Chicago l'ost.
Coiffure.
"You love me not!" she cried pet
uluutly. "Dou't suy that!" ho urged in a
pained way.
"But it is true!" she retorted do
fiautly. "Yes," he admitted.
"Aha!" she exclaimed.
"Yes, it's true," he continued, as
he caressed the Psyche urruugeuient
of her hair.
"I do love it, and it's very becom
ing to you, but 'me knot' is such hor
rible grammar, you know." New
York Journal.
leoplo Who Never t'nttress.
'Whatever are you crying for now,
Johnny?" asked his mother. "1
don't see why a boy should shed tears
because he has to go into a wurm bed
this cohl weather."
"It's so cold to undress," blub
bered Johnny. "1 wish I was like
some people us dou't huve to undress.
I'll join a society."
"Dou't be foolish! Everybody has
to uudress to go to bed. You can't
join a society to escape undressing.
You dou't wunt to bo a savage, do
you?"
"You cun join a society where you
don't huve to undress bometiines,"
persisted Johnny.
"I should like to Jienr uliout that
society," observed his mother,
amused. "I dou't kuow uny uiumber
of it."
"Yes, you do," whimpered the boy.
"Every time dud goes to the lodge ho
gets iu bed without undressing, 'cos
I've seed him in the morning. "
He hud to sleep iu the dark uu a
punishment. Pearson's We.iklv.
W.rilER.
Merry, thnujfh the moon shines pale
And the wlud-tnsscd branches wall;
Purest crystals llnnt ami fall;
There they spnrkle,
Hero they darkle.
On tho pine and' lonely wall.
Merrv. though the stream Is still
'Neath the old nnd trackless hill:
There the realms of Hesper kIowt
Twilight lingers,
Hhinlng lingers
fllld the sleeping tlelds of snow.
(tenesmi Itlt'liardsou, in Womau't Homo
Conipnuiou.
HUMOR OF THE DAY.
It is very seldom, that we seriously
regret anything wo didu't say. Life.
When a woman runs it is a mean
man who will use his camera. Somer
villo Journal.
Judge "Why did yon steal the com
plainant's turkeys?'' Prisoner "Hfl
hnd no chickens, your Honor." De
troit Journal.
She "Why is it called the 'silver
moon?' " Ho "Because it comes in
halves and quarters, I suppose."
Chicago News.
Bacon "And bo's kind-hearted, is
he?" Egbert "Kind-hearted? Why,
I dou't belinvo ho ever said an unkind
word, even to an alarm clock!"
"What would yon do if you had only
ten cents in the world, Kitty?" "I
would buy caramels with it to raise
my sjiirits." Chicago Record.
Doubtful: Spendley "Well, if my
money should go, dearest, you'd still
have me!" Mrs. Spendley "Don't
you be too sure about that!" Puck.
Instruction: Johnny "And does
the gasmeter measure the quantity of
gas you use?" Papa "No, my Bon;
the quantity you have to pay for."-
Puck.
"Ma, is there any pie left in the
pantry?" "There is one piece, but
you cnu't have it." "You are mis
taken, mn, I've hal it." Cleveland
Plain Dealer.
"IIo told mo to get off the earth.
What do you suppose he meant?"
"He seemed to think thnt you needed
a bath, evidently." Louisville
Courier-Journal.
"Yon may fetter my body," he
shouted, "but my mind will wear no
chain!" In other words, the wheel
iu his head was of the '98 pattern.
Indianapolis Journal.
Customer (in restaurant) "This
beefsteak must bo at leost three weeks
old, isn't it?" Waiter"Dou't kuow,
sah; I'Be only beeu heah two weeks,
sail." Chicago News.
Iiaggs "Say, do you bolieve that
story of the gooso laying tho golden
egg?" Jaggs "We'll, it would be
just like a goose to do such a foolish
thing." Chicago News.
Sloper (as Miss Eustluko, his in
tended, finishes a solo) --"What a
voice!" Duncan (who hus been re
jected by Miss Eustluko) "Yes, what
a voice!" Ilurlein Life.
A North of Engiaud paper says : "We
have adopted the eight-hour system
in this ollice. Wo commence work at
8 o'clock in tho morning and close at
8 in the evening." Tit-Bits.
Matilda "Have you Bpoken to
papa?" Bertie "Yes; I itskod him
through tho telephone nnd he an
swered: 'I don't know who you are,
but it's all right.' " Pick-Me-Up.
Not Net!ssurily: Walter "So
Bilker rents thnt forty-dollur-a-iuonth
house of yours, does he? He pays
too much rent." Landlord (sighing)
"You dou't know him." Puck.
"Men's promises," the young wife
said betweeu Bobs, ' tiro like pie-crutt
" "That's tough," said tho young
husband, un I then she got angry
enough to cry. Indianapolis Journal.
Tho Kloudiker who returns with
JflUt) 1 in gold dust usually estimates
the claim left behind nt $r00,000. It
is well to keep these tts.iets iu a sep
arate class. St. Louis Globe-Demo-crat.
Bride "Couuting your change,
George? It hus been atl expensive
trip, hasn't it?" George "That's
right. It looks as if this honeymoon
would soon be oil' its last quarter."
Puck.
Rapturous Youth "Dulling, my
sulary is $'.!0 a week. Do you think
you could live on that?" His Af
fianced "Why, yes, Gdorge, I can
get along on thnt. But what'U you
live on?" Chicago Tribune.
Bingham "Bouner is so aggravut
ingly self-possessed." Rawlins
"Yes. Ho could wear a checked golf
suit at u wedding mid cany himself us
though tho groom was a mere caddy."
Philadelphia North American.
"I havo beeu complimented a great
many times ou my stage presence,"
said the amateur with a disposition to
monopolize things. "Yes," replied
the weory mauuger, "you're till right
on that point. What you want to cul
tivate now is nn occasional stage absence."-
Washington Star.
Bobbins "Wi. a in the world does
Ilutdy I'ptoii mean by wearing a win
ter overcoat und a summer suit?"
Dobbins "Why, a report got around
that ho had to soak his summer suit,
before ho got his winter overcoat out.
Hardy is trying to prove that the re
port is uufouuded." Puck.
"Colonel Blood," says the current
issue of too Weekly Baltic Ax, "has
called lit this ollice and demanded a
retraction of our remark thut ho was a
famous liar. We retract cheerfully
und fully, uud do so by hereby slating
that the esteemed c.ilouel is uu iu
fumoiis liar." Indianapolis Journal.
Clarence "(leuevim e, why will
you not hear me? Can't you hcb that
1 nm dying for your love? Tell me,
tell mo that you will" Gauovieve
(interrupting) "tti, please go away
uud come some nlher limn when I'm
not busy. Can't you seo that I'm
right iu the middle of this murder
case?" Clevcluui Lea I. v.