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PTJBLICAH
VOL. XXX. NO. 43. TIONESTA. PA., WEDNESDAY, FED. y, 1898. S1.00 PER ANNUM.
RE
"EST
Five nuu.ircj nuu tuirty lnilliou
bushels is the official estimate of tha
United States wheat crop for 1897.
New York clnira to be growing
healthier. The death rate has de
creased six aud a half per ceut. since
1891.
The Pennsylvania Bankers' Associa
tion hns voted to organize a chapter of
the association, whose purpose shall
be the erection in Philadelphia of a
bronze statue of Robert Morris, the
patriotic financier of the Revolution,
and the founder of the first organized
banks in the State, of Pennsylvania and
the United States.
Mr. Peary, the Arctio explorer,
spooking of the generous gift of the
Windward mado to him by Mr.
Harmsworth, tho London publisher,
expresses great gratification over this
striking exhibition of English good
fooling. Ho considers it another link
injtho long chain of international
courtesies exchaugod in Arctio explor
ation. It is thought that tho influence of
the French language, with its unas
pirated h, is tho primary causo of that
letter being so uncli ignored by Eng
lish people. .Trench having been
spoken so long in England and the
people near the coast having come in
contact continually with that lan
guage, an indelible impression, it is
paid, is left npou it, increased now by
usage
i.. . . . . j . . . .
According to tho Chief of the Penn
sylvania State Bureau of Railroads,
the bicycle is hurting the business of
tho railroads. Ho says: "In cities
like Harrisburg and many others it
cannot be gainsaid that the bicycle
has become a most serious competitor
of the railway. To reinforce this view
of the case au observation was made
on Third street in" that city during
tho month of October, 1897. The
observation covered two days, from
seven in the morning to six in the
evening. During that time 6078 per
sons passod a given point, 1902 in tho
cars and 4116 on bicycles; C7 7-10 per
cent, on bicycles and 82 3-10 per cent,
on the cars, or more than two to one
in favor of the wheel."
Says the Philadelphia Record1
Justice Patterson of New York, in a
speech before the Law Club of that
city recently, deplored the fact that
the law had become so largely a trade
instead of a profession; and on tho
following day Dr. Edward Everett
Hale, in an address before an educa
tional body in the same city on "Mor
ality in the Public Schools," made tho
declaration: "There is dauger of the
managers of a great maohino taking
more pride in tho manhino aud its
workings than in tha results it turns
ont. Thin is the danger in our public
schools." These words will, of course,
ba resented as the views of pessimists;
yet they come from men qualified to
speak as public teachers, and com
ing simultaneously they gain an em
phasis which must command atten
tion. We are accustomed to flatter
ourselves with the idea that our devel
opment along material lines neces
sarily iuvolves a corresponding de
velopment along intellectual aud
moral linos. However that maybe,
the fact can'no longer be denied that the
commercial instinct is beginning to
dominate almost every aotiou of our
people.
Anent the agitation in tho South for
more diversified farming as a partial
remedy for the alleged over-produo.
tion of cotton, a correspondent of the
Charleston News and Courier directs
attention to the fact that many years
ago South Carolina had a place in the
reoords as au exporter of wheat flour
and of corn. The flour exports begau
about 1760 and continued into the
present century nntil cotton sup
planted wheat. It is believed that
much more flour was manufacted iu
the State oue hundred years ago than
now,, although population aud re
sources have multiplied many fold. A
century and a half ago corn was "an
important article of export" from the
State, and the trade continued for
over fifty years, as there is a record of
about 100,000 bushels exported iu
1792. Not long thereafter corn became
an article of import, and some years
ago was reported as "the largest"
article of that character. What was
done with the soil of the State 100
years ago, the Courier says, cau be
done again. In oue country the grow
ing and grinding of wheat for local con
sumption has beeu undertaken, and
other couuties aro advised to follow
the example. "We have proved by a
long and stumbling experience," the
Courier says, "that cotton does not
take the place of wheat as the 'staff of
life,' and thut no community can thrive
w hose only manufacturing industry is
that of ginning the fibre for market. "
frit
If wo be blithe and warm nl heart.
If we be sound and pure within,
No sorrow shall nbldo with us ,
Longer than dwells tbe sin;
Though niitumn fogs the landscape fold,
Though autumn tempests roam,
Our summer is not over yet
We keep tbe sun at homo.
1
r ' 1 BBBBimBimB
1 nt, KlUULC
II.V VIIIA.I
HERE was upon his
face an intense,
and even a comba
tive look, as he
stood in the wind
swept piazza, with
his hand upon the
bell-pull. He
secmod about to
ring again, when
tho door opened
and he stepped
quickly in, while a graceful form re
cedod timidly before him. A pair of
moist, dark eyes and a troubled face
were averted from his, and there was
a husky tremor in tho voice which said
to him:
"You mustn't come in, Jeff."
"Madeleine," he bluntly exclaimed,
"what does this mean?"
"Mr. Laphain! Steve Laphaml"
"Old Jacob Lapham's only your
stepfather. He has no authority over
you. His son is a fraud! Your
mother "
"Oh, Jeff, dear! that is the trouble!
They have made her forbid me to
speak to you! I cannot disobey her!
She is dyiug! They have almost made
her make me promise. Oh, Jeff, dear,
I'm almost crazy!"
"I should say you were," he
growled, with a tierce light dancing
across his face. "It was time for me
to come. Is your mother really so
low?"
"She may last many days yet; per
haps not twenty-four hours. Stephen
Laphaui isn't there, but his father
doesn't leave her for a minute. I've
no chance to see her alone. She com
manded me not to speak to you."
"No, she didn't," said Jeff. "She
only repeated something after old Jake
Laphatn. What she was forced to say
was no command of hers. Do be
reasonable. She hat.no right to do
it, auyhow; and she really didn't do
it. Old Jake did. As for Steve,-the
young "
"Don't I kuow what he is?" said
Madeleine, hysterically. "Didn't I
bear what his father said tohim? They
didn't know I beard "
"What did they say?" demanded
Jeff, as she hesitated, aud he closed
the door behind him and led her into
the parlor as he added: "What did
you hear? Tell me the whole of it."
"Oh, Jeff, dear," said Madeleine,
"Mr. Laphain said to Steve that as
soon as mother died they would re
oord all tho deeds, before proving the
will, and then they would own every
dollar of the property. He said they
could make me do what they pleased
then."
"What deeds?" he asked, in a firm
but uuexcited way, that seemed to
help her.
"Deeds that mother made,", she
said. "Deeds aud things that give
them everything there is to give."
"Did you ever sign any papers your
self?" asked Jeff. "She couldn't do
it alone."
"I don't know what they were," re
plied Madeleine. "I signed every
paper Jbey had on the table, the night
they said she would die before morn
ing." "When was that?" he asked.
"More than a month ago," she said;
"and they put them all into the Bafe
in the library."
"I know where it is," said Jeff.
"It's your own safe pow. It opens
with a combiuutiou lock. You know
the numbers, of course, and how to
open it?"
"No, I don't," she replied despair
ingly. "I never knew how to open it,
I dou't know the numbers, aud I can't
tell you. They've kept them a secret.
Mother said once that it was the Dec
laration of Independence and the days
of the week."
"Oh!" exolaimed Jeff, with almost
a laugh; "that's a riddle. Is anybody
iu the library now?"
"No," said Madeleine. "Nobody
goos there."
Jeff's face was angry aud stormy, in
spite of his calm, reassuring manner,
as he strode to the library-door and
opened it. The room had a chilly,
deserted look, and its grate was empty.
A fireproof safe, pf medium Bize,
stood iu one corner, and in an in
stant the youug man was kneeling be
fore it.
"This is your safe, Madeleine
Lane," he said. "May I open it?"
"You may, but you cau't," she re
plied; but his hand was on the knob
of the safe-lock, and her cheeks
burned with feverish excitement as
she watched the quick, though care
ful, turns of his wrist.
"Twice this way," she counted.
"Three times that way. Once around
again or was it twice?"
Just then she heard a faint click,
and she saw the door of the safe swing
wide open. It was as if a feat of
necromancy had been performed be
fore her eyes. Those of Jeff were
searching the interior of the safe.
"Here they are!" he exclaimed, as
he pulled out of a pigeon-hole a
package of long-folded, legal-looking
documents, aud rose to his feet.
"Please examine them with me, Made
leine." n "This first lot," he said, turning
them over, "are all deeds, of one sort
o. 1. it.
But If our heart bo void and cold.
lie sure no good will live therein,
But sorrow for the sorrow's sake,
And sin because of sin;
And aye tbo dropping of tbe leaf,
And aye the falling of the snow,
And aye the barren, barren earth
I hough summer winds do blow.
Edwnrd Wilbur Mason, in Youth's Companion,
m m m m m m r w m r
VF A lulk.
1
O. HTODDAItr,
or another, to your own father, two or
three to your mother, by which they
owned their entire property. All of
them are recorded. We have nothing
to do with them. I'll put them back.
There! Mow, Madeleine, just look at
those! All of them now deeds. You
and your mother to Jacob Laphain.
You and she did actually sign them
all."
"I didu'tkuow what I was signing,"
gasped Madeleine, "But there were
witnesses and a notary."
"Each deed acknowledges a large
sum of money actually paid, and here
are the mortgages, bonds, notes, that
old Jake Laphain paid that money out
ior. 1
"There never were any mortgages," j
said Madeleine, "but those are my
own signatures all of thein."
"They are dated as if they had been
signed threo years ago," he said; "as
soon as you were old enough. It's a
very completely finished piece of rob
bery. Hellow! What's this?"
"She signed her will that very day,"
replied Madeleine. "Aunt Wickham
aud Judge Wickham, and two other
gentlemen, came here with Mr. Lap
ham, and we were all in mother's
room, but none of them knew what
was in the will."
"Exactly!" said Jeff. "How they
did work the matter! Here are two
wills, made tho sains, day. How could
they make those stupid witnesses sign
twice?"
"I heard Mr. Lapham say, 'Sign
here, and sign here,' " said Madeleine.
"Judge Wickham was leaning over
mother ond saying something to her."
"He was unsuspecting," said Jeff.
"This is really her will, giving all to
you and making Judge Wickham and
Deacon Morris her executors. This
other thing gives all to Jacob Lap
ham and makes him sole executor,
giving you only a life estate. It says
a great deal more, but it's a fraud."
At that moment he was lighting a
match and removing the blower from
the library-grate.
"Oh, Jeff, you dare not!" exclaimed
Madeleiue, "you must not W What are
you going to do?"
"Nothing at all, he said, calmly.
"But fire is good for fraud. How
well it all burns! There go the deeds,
and the mortgages, and the bonds,
and all the notes. The will went np
like a flash."
"Dear me!" she said; but Jeff was
once more investigating the safe.
"Madeleine," he said, "here's a
stack of greenbacks, and it's your own
money. It is right where he can get
it. Don't you think it ought to bo in
a safer place ?"J
"It must be mine!" she exclaimed.
"It can't be his! He hasn't anything.
He meant to steal it, surely!"
"Meant to?" replied Jeff. "Why,
he has already stolen it aud hidden it
here. This is your safe, to be sure,
but it isu't safe enough. You are
going to put your money into the
Compton National Bank. Fifteen
thousand dollars and more. All that
old Jacob Lapham has stolen during
several years, except what Steve has
wasted; one way or auother."
"Put it into the bank for me, Jeff,"
said Madeleiue. "I dare not, and I
cannot bear to leave the house."
VT1I put the will right back where
I found it," he said, as he did so.
"They all Baw it deposited here?"
"Yes," replied Madeleine. "Unole
Wickham aud the witnesses came down
and saw it put away there."
"That's where they will find it,
theu, when they come to look for it,"
said Jeff, aud he seemed to be worry
ing iu a very curious way around the
lock of the safe. "There! That'll
do, I guess. Now, Madeleine, I
must go."
Not many, not very many, seconds
later Jeff walked uuconcernedly out
of the house, as if nothing extraordin
ary had happened. Madeleine, on the
other baud, after closing the door be
hind him, went slowly and thought
fully upstairs.
A door at her right opeuod at that
moment, and a tall, grim-looking
womau stood iu it.
"How is mother?" aHked Madeleine.
"Is Mr. Lapham there?"
"He is asleep just now," said tbe
nurse. "She has not stirred or
spoken."
Madeleine walked past her iuto the
room, and bent above an emaciated
form lying upon the bed.
The face was placid, but there could
be no misunderstanding of the mes
sage it couveyed.
"Oh, if I could but speak to her!"
thought Madeleiue, while her whole
frame shook aud her own face grew as
white as was that upon which she was
gazing, aud theu a fuiut whisper broke
through her lips:
"Mother!"
A pair of blue eyes opened languid
ly, and the nurse now at the window,
did not hear as acutely as did Made
leiue: 1
"My daughter! Kiss me!"
So quick, so passionate, so agoniz
ingly intense was that meeting at the
lips; but Madeleiue could now whis
per: "Jeff has been here mother. He
sent Lis love to you." 1
' ...vo n'.m tiy love, dear. iJy Bon!
It is easier to leave you with
him "
Just then the nurse turned sudden
ly from the window, aud a burly form
which had lain upon a sofa near it
sprang vigorously to its feet and strode
to the bedside.
"Madeleine Lane! how dare you?
She must not talk! Have 1 not for
bidden this sort of thing?"
"She is my mother, Mr. Laphain,
and you are not my father," said
Madeleiue, resolutely. "But I thiuk
it best not to speak to her again, just
now. If I did think best I should do
so."
There was a motion of a thin hand
on the coverlet, and it was obeyed
Madeleine stooped aud kissed her
mother, and theu glided out of the
sick-room, closely followed by the
wrathful face of old Jacob Lapham.
As for Jefferson Meredith, his walk
to the village had been rapid, and his
first visit was made at the hank. His
next errand was to a dingily respect
able law office.
"Judge Wickham," he said to tho
white-haired geutloman who wel
comed him, "Miss Lane is somehow
aware that you ond Deacon Morris
are executors of her mother's will
,t
"I had an idea, from herself, that I
was to be one of them "
"And the wishes yon to bo ready to
act at once. Sho is not upon good
terms with old Jake and Steve."
"Ugh!" exclaimed the old lawyer.
"Toll her I'll be ready."
Perhaps it was as well that Made
leine watched at her window, looking
toward the village, and that Jeff was
not again compelled to ring the door
bell, for at the moment when she ad
mitted him old Jacob Lapham was iu
the library.
"You take care of the bank-book,"
she said, when he had swiftly de
tailed his business doings. "Don't
stay."
His face had darkened cloudily over
what she had herself told him, but it
cleared somewhat as he turned away.
Even Madeleine did not hear him say
to himself, aloud, as he was going
down tho steps: "Oh, bnt don't I
wish I could see old Jake and Steve at
work on that safe!"
Madeleine reached her room again
nnobserved, all the more safely be
cause her Btepfather was crouohing
before tuat obstinate fireproof safe.
twisting the knob to numbers that he
knew, but which the lock refused to
know anything about. He muttered,
too, fiercely, even explosively, and at
last he arose, exclaiming:
"Weill If I can't open it, nobody
else can. bometimos those things will
work so. I've known it happen be
fore. At any rate, I've got all those
things fixed so that the property can't
get away from me. I m sole executor
and the will just nails and clinches the
deeds.
Madeleine lingered iu tier room
only for a long, deep, silent fit of
thinking. At the end of it she arose
from her chair with a hard-drawn
breath, and once more went over to
the sick-room.
The form upon the bed lay very
still, but tho loving blue eyes opened
as Madeleine again grasped the thin
hand in hers.
"I gave your message to Jeff,
mother. He sent his love to you
again."
"I wish I could see him. My son!"
she whispered. "Say good-by to him
for me, dear. Kiss me, Madeleine.
There there good-by. "
There was a heavy hand upon Mad
eleine's shoulder, as she rose, but she
did not turn her fixed gaze from her
mother's faoe.
"What does she mean?" he harsh
ly, hoarsely demanded. "Her son?"
There was no answer in words, but
even Jacob Lapham turned pale, aud
the advancing nurse drew back again,
while Madeleiue sank upon her knees
for they were all suddenly aware
that the last messenger had come.
For Madeleine Lane all earthly
things were veiled and put away. That
hour of sobs and silence was no time
to consider questions of property.
There were others in the house,
however, whose business activities
were hindered, very apparently, less by
the presence of death than by the
strange perverseness of the lock of the
safe iu the library. The knob of it was
twisted and twisted iu the most weari
some way.
"Steve," remarked an anxious
voice, at last, "we must have that
money out! The deeds and mortgages
must be recorded! Ouly one will
must be found there! This is awful!"
"We've some days yet, father, and
we can blow it open."
"We must do it ourselves, then. It
won't do to have auybody else open
that safe. We must let Madeleine
alone, too, until after the funeral."
"I don't care," growled Steve, "so
long as Jeff Meredith is kept out of
the house. Her Aunt Wickham is up
there with her now."
Aunt Wickham remained with Mad
eleine all through the long, dark night
of the first mourning. Then followed
tho strange days of interval between a
death and a burial. Old Jacob Lap
ham had a great deal of walking up
aud down in the parlor U do, for he
was a bereaved man, with more than
one grief to carry. The lock of the
safe had much twisting to endure, but
it still refused to remember its num
bers. Judge Wickham came iu, and Mr.
Lapham began to suy something to
him about the safe and its contents,
aud its conduct.
"Pooh, pooh, Jacob!" responded the
old lawyer; "you are in no condition
for busiuess. It's no time for it, eith
er. Wait till after the funeral. I'll at
tend to everything for you just now.
Madeleine, too she s all broken
down."
Another night passed and another
day came, aud at the hour appointed
Intro were carnages at tue door, a hero
was no occasion for remark, however,
when the mourners came out of the
bouse, 111 the fnct that Madeleiue
leaned ou the arm of Judge Wickham,
and entered a carriage with him and
his wife, her mother's sister, and with
her mother's friend, Mrs. Meredith.
If her stepfather and stepbrother did
not like it, that was not the time for
them to say so, or to employ author
ity. The house was regained and was re
entered by tho fnmily party, and no
body else seemed to notice that Judgo
Wickham went in last, aud that, as ho
did so, he took the key out of the door
aud put it iu his pocket.
"Wickham," rs.id Mr. Laphain, as
the old lawyer joined the rest in the
parlor, "come in hero a moment. I
can't open the safe. Nobody else
knows the combination, but it won't
open. Her will is there "
"Try it again, Jacob try it again,"
said the judge, plaoidly. "You've
been too agitated, too nervous "
"We'll have to have it blown open,"
said Mr. Laphain; "but just to show
how it is "
And he did try it, with ostentatious
precision, in full confidence that the
look would continue its obstinacy, but
when he remarked, "There!" and gave
a hard pull, open flew tho door of the
safe and its contents were on publio
exhibition.
"I declare!" exclaimed Mr. Lap
ham, springing to his feet. "Remark
able!" "There'sthe will, "said Judge Wick
ham, calmly, as ho sent a long arm in
and pulled out a paper lying in full
view.
The eyes of Jacob Lnphnm wero
frantically se.whiug tho iuterior of
the big iron e: 1 for something which
they did not seem to find.
"That is all. All correct, "continued
Judge Wickham. "Deacon Morris
and I are executors. Everything goes
to Madeleine! I'll take possession at
once. That ia, I'll leave her in full
possession."
"Give me that paper!" roared Jacob
Lapham. "It isn't tho will!"
"Yes, it is!" replied the judge. "1
know the signatures. I saw it put
there. I was here. It's all right,
Jacob."
"There's auother will! The safo
has been robbed! Money missing!
Papers missing! I'm robbed!"
"It isn't, your safe, Jacob; it is Miss
Lane's safe. If there is another will,
produce it."
"Leave the house! I'm in control
here! Get out! I'm in possession!
"I think not," answered Judge
Wickham. "Your authority has
ceased. Miss Lane is '.in possession.
She is absolute, unquestionable owner.
You and Steve must go!"
It was of little use to storm, but of
course there was a storm, and it was
all the worse because of the bewilder
ing conduct of that safe. It con
tained no other will, and when Judgo
Wickham shut it up it almost seemed
to wink at him. The Judge did not
storm, but he was firm, and so was
Madeleine, aud she, too, was calm,
althongh she remarked:
"If Stephen were a gentleman ho
would not wish to remain, knowing,
as he does, how utterly I detest him.
After what you have said and done,
Mr. Lapham, you must go at once.
All that belongs to yon has been put
into your own room."
"Come upstairs," Steve, said hi
father; and as soon as they were in
Steve's room, he added: "Wickham
is going ont to find Morris. As soon
as lie is gone we will search that safe."
"We'll clean it out, too," said
Steve.
Hardly had they left the library,
however, before Jeffersou Meredith
came iu from the dining-room, where
he had passed most of his time during
the funeral services, and once moro
he worried the lock of the safe a little.
"Is it all right, Jeff?" asked Judge
Wickham. "Am not I to know the
new combination? Cau't you explaiu
it to me?"
"Simplest thing in the world," said
Jeff "Lots of peoplo remember their
safe combinations that way. The rid
dle was no riddle at all."
"Independence, Fourth of July,
and the days of the week? How was
it? I must say it's a riddle to me."
"Why," said Jeff, "don't you see it?
The year, 1770. The days, 7. Di
vide so 17 7 70. to get your three
numbers. Twist the knob the usual
way. That did it."
"How is it now?" asked the lawyer.
"All independence aud freedom,"
said Jeff. "It is 172170, aud
that's what'U puzzle old Jacob when
he comes down stairs. But it's a good
thing to kuow how to set aud reset a
lock."
Jeff was iu auother part of the house
when the Luphiinis were puzzled, but
he knew how it was. Even the lock
seemed to eujoy it as they tried to
make it once more remember its old
numbers.
"It's au awful riddle, Steve,"
groaned old Jacob; "but we can't get
iu."
That, alas for them, meant that
their plot had failed, and thut they
must get out.
Ouly a few weeks later Jefferson
Meredith was slowly, thoughtfully
turning a plain gold ring upou oue of
Mrs. Madeleiue Mert'lith's lingers.
"I feel so safe now," she said; "and
it is what mother would have wished.'
"Madeleine," he answered her,'
"there are some combinations of
which ouly God knows tho secret.
This is oue of them, and it is locked
forever." McC.'s Monthly.
A l'hy.lclau'. faraili...
A place for iihysicians to emigrate
to is the city of llumuh, south of
Aleppo. Though it coutuius 60,000 in
habitants, among whom diseases of
the eye, iu particular, are rampaut,
there is not a single physician iu the
city.
THE MERRY SIDE OF LIFE.
STORIES TOLD BY THE FUNNY MEN
OF THE PRESS.
Out of flare A Had Mint Tie TVns Over
looked The rrerloiis Innocent Not
Excited .fudging by the Sound Didn't
Want to lie If nrrted Kefnriiilng, Etc.
He had faced some angry mobs, he had
spoken from the stump;
He bad been upon the pl.it form, too;
But lie lost bis nerve anil blushed and felt
like a silly chump
When biswlfeytook dim trailing through
Tho big department stores that were
crowded to the doors
With women who appeared to think that
be
Hud pushed himself into where everybody
knew
I modest, manly man should never,
never be.
V. nshington Star.
A Unci Mint.
Ethel "Why does lightning never
striko twice in the snme place?"
Dick "Cau't find the place."
Yellow Book.
The Precious Innocent.
-He "Do you think there is really
any danger in kissing?"
She "Wait till I go on tho stairs
and listen to find out whether papa is
asleep or not."
Didn't Want to II. Hurried.
Lena "Why are you in such n
hurry for Jack to propose?"
Edith "I want to have plenty of
time to think the matter over before
accepting him."
lie Wal Overlooked.
Ziggs (slapping his friend on the
back) "Well, it's Bettled, old man;
the cards are out. "
Zaggs (who didn't get oue) "Did
they run out?" Detroit Journal.
Judging by the Sound.
Mrs. Grady "O, Pat! 01 t'iuk tho
baby 's got somcthin' iu his t'roat!"
Mr. Grady "So do Oi, bogorrah!
And Oi'm t'inkin' it's either n fog
horn or a locomotive phwhiutlo!"
Puck.
Not Excited.
"I hear," said the zephyr, "that
yon have been raging through tho
Northwest."
"Never was a worse mistake,"
howled the blizzard. "I was quite
cool." Indianapolis Journal.
How Hlie Tells Time In the Dark.
"My wife can tell what time it is in
the middle of the night when it is pitch
dark?"
"How does she do it?"
"She makes me get up and look at
the clock." Chicago Record.
A Matter of Conjecture.
She "She feels hurt because she
has heard that you said she was no
chicken."
He "Oh! I wonder if the average
young lady would consider it a com
pliment to bo called chicken?"
Puck.
Not Necessary,
"I suppose," said the village deacon
to the minister, "that your constant
prayer is that you may ever be poor
and humble?"
"Not exactly," replied the minister.
"I pray that I may remain humble,
but my congregation attends to tho
other part of it." Chicago News.
lCefariiilng.
"Your money or your life!" shouted
the footpad.
"I have no money," said the vic
tim, "aud my life will be of no use to
you."
"I don't know about that," re
plied the footpad. "I have been
thinking for some timeof trying a new
life." Philadelphia North American,
Just llefore the Kllgugeinent.
"I see they hare a machine now
for photographing one's thought's,"
he said for waut of something better
to say.
"I wish you could photograph
mine," she returned.
"Why?" he asked.
"Possibly it would encourage you a
little," she answered.
Shortly thereafter it was decided
that he should "see papa" just as soon
as he could muster up sullicieut cour
age. Chicago Post.
Coiffure.
"You love me not!" she cried pet
ulantly. "Don't suy that!" ho urged in a
pained way.
"But it is true!" she retorted de
fiantly. "Yes," he admitted.
"Aha!" she exclaimed.
"Yes, it's true," he continued, as
he caressed the Psycho arrangement
of her hair.
"I do love it, and it's very becom
ing to you, but 'me knot' iH such hor
rible grammar, you kuow," New
York Journal.
I'tHijile Wlio Never l.'ndress.
"Whatever are you crying for now,
Johnny?" asked his mother. "I
dou't see why a boy should shed tears
because he bus to go into a warm bed
this cold weather,"
"It's so cold to undress," blub
bered Johnny. "1 wish I was like
some people us don't have to undress.
I'll joiu a society."
"Don't be foolish! Everybody has
to undress to go to bed. You cau't
join a society to escape undressing.
You dou't want to be a savage, do
you?"
"You cau join a society w here you
dou't have to undress sometimes,"
persisted Johnny.
"1 should like to Jii'iil' about that
society," observed his mother,
amused. "I don't know any member
of it."
"Yes, you do," whimpered the boy.
"Every time dad goes to the lodge ho
gets in bed without undressing, 'cos
I've seed him in the morning."
He hud to sleep iu the dark 113 a
punishment. Pearson's We.;klv.
vvlri 1 ER.
Merry, though the moon shines pals
And the wind-tossed brandies wall;
Turcot crystals float and fall;
There they spnrklc,
Here thev darkle.
On the plno and lonely wall.
Merry, though the stream Is still
'Seat li the cold nnd trackless hill;
There tho realms of Helper glow;
Twillclit lingers,
Hhlnltig lingers
(lild the sleeping fields of snow.
Gcnessci liteliardson, iu Woman's Horns
CumpHubm.
HUMOR OF THE DAY.
It is very seldonut'iat wc serionsly
regret anything we didn't say. Life.
When a woman runs it is a mean
man who will use his camera. Somer
villo Journal.
Judge "Why did you steal the com
pluinant's turkeys?'' I'risoner "Ha
had no chickens, your Honor." De
troit Journal.
She "Why is it called the 'silver
moon?'" He "Because it comes in
halves and quarters, I Biippose."
Chicago News.
Bacon "And bo's kind-hearted, is
he?" Egbert "Kind-hearted? Why,
I don't believe ho ever snid an unkind
word, even to an alarm clock!"
"What would you do if you had only
ton cents in the world, Kitty?" "I
would buy caramels with it to raise
my spirits. " Chicago Record.
Doubtful: Spendley "Well, jf my
money should go, dearest, you'd still
have me!" Mrs. Spendley "Don't
you be too sure about that!" Puck.
Instruction: Johnny "And does
the gasmeter measure the quantity of
gas you use?" Papa "No, my eon;
the quantity you have to pay for."-
Puck.
"Ma, is there any pie left in tha
pantry?" "There is one piece, but
you cau't have it." "You aro mis
taken, ma, I'vo had it." Cleveland
Plain Dealer.
"He told me to get off the earth.
What do you suppose he meant?"
"He seemed to think that you needed
n bath, evidently," Louisville
Courier-Journal.
"You may fetter my body," he
shouted, "but my mind will wear no
chain!" In other words, the wheel
in his head was of the '98 pattern.
Indianapolis Journal.
Customer (in restaurant) "This
beefsteak must bo at least three weeks
old, isn't it?" Waiter "Don't know,
sah; I'se only been heah two weeks,
sah." Chicago News.
Ilaggs "Suy, do you bolieve that
story of the gooso layiug tho golden
egg?" Jaggs "Well, it would bo
just like a goose to do such a foolish,
thiug. " Chicago News.
Slopcr (as Miss Eastlake, his in
tended, finishes 11 solo) "What n
voice!" Duncan (who has been re
jected by Miss Eastlake) "Yes, what
a voice!" Harlem Life.
A North of Englaud paper says: "We
have adopted the eight-hour system
iu this ofiice. Wo commouce work at
8 o'clock in tho morniug and close at
8 in the eveuiug." Tit-Bits.
Matilda "Have you spoken to
papa?" Bertie "Yes; I asked him
through tho telephone and he an
swered: 'I don't know who you are,
but it's all right."' Pick-Me-Up.
Not NeiKasttiily : Walter "So
Bilker rents that forty-dollar-a-uiouth
house of yours, does he? He pays
too much rout." Landlord (sighing)
"You dou't know him." Puck.
"Men's promises," tho youug wife
said between sobs, ' are like pie-crust
" "That's tough," said the young
husband, mil then she got angry
enough to cry. Indianapolis Journal.
The Klondiker who returns with
$100 ) iu gold dust usually estimates
the claim left, behind at $r00,000. It
is well to keep these assets in a sep
arate class. St. Louis tllobe-Detno-crat.
Bride "Counting your change,
George? It has beeu au expensive
trip, hasn't it?" George "That's
right. It looks as it this honeymoon
would soon be oil" its last quarter."
Puck.
Rapturous Youth "Darling, my
salary is $J0 a week. Do you think
you could live on that?" His Af
fianced "Why, yes, Gdorge, I can
get along ou that. But whnt'll you
live on?" Chicago Tribune.
Bingham "Bonner is so aggravat
ingly self-possessed." Rawlins
"Yes. Ho could wear a checked golf
suit at a wedding and cany himself as
though tho groom was a mere caddy."
Philadelphia North American.
"I have been complimented a great
many times on my stage presence,"
said tho amateur with a disposition to
monopolize things. "Yes," replied
tho weary manager, "you're all right
on thut point. What you waul to cul
tivate now is nu occasional Btugo ab
sence." Washington Star.
Bobbins "Wi. a iu the world does
Hardy I'pton mean by wearing a win
ter overcoat und u summer suit?"
Dobbins "Why, a report got around
that he had to soak his summer suil
before ho ot his winter overcoat out.
Hardy is trying to prove that the re
port is uufoiiu led." Puck.
"Colonel Blood," suys tho current
issue of the Weekly Battle Ax, "bus
culled at this ottice and demanded a
retraction of our remark that he was a
famous liar. We retract cheerfully
and fully, und do so by hereby stutiug
thut the esteeni 'd c ilonel ia au iu
fumous liar. " Indianapolis Journal.
Clarence "(leueviovc, why will
you uot hear me? Can't you see thut
1 am dyiug for your love? Tell me,
tell me that you will" Genevieve
(interrupting) "Oh, please go away
und come some oilier lime wheu I'm
not busy. Can't you sco that I'm
right iu tho middle of this murder
cuso?" L'leveluuJ Lea l.T.