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EPUBLiGAN.
C UJK
VOL. XXX. NO. 38.
TIONESTA, PA., WEDNESDAY, JAN. 5, 1898. $1.00 PER ANNUM.
T TlTP f i) T
- ii f S -XL. mJX. , i.
that to many brewers have
lieeh
elevated the House of Lords.
English wits are beginning to term
that august body the "Beerage."
' Recent attempts to introduce pr
essional foot ball into Mexioo have
ended in failure. These unaopbisti
oated foreigners will have nothingiPHS
refined than a bull fight.
' A codfish four feet long has been
caught on the New England coast.
This does not, however, 'settle the
mooted question whether codfish salt
the ocean or the otiean salts the cod
fish. .r-T
More than 40,000 of the . soldiers
whom Spain has sent to Cuba are now
in the hospital, and of the 192,000
ent to the island during Weyler's
leadership only 89,000. are fit for duty.
These are mere fragments from tho
history of the gloomiest military trag
edy of the century.
A novel mountain railway has been
bnilt iu 'tarmany, the track of which
consists of a single T-shnped rail, on
which a car runs which is drawn up
the inolinl by a captive balloon. The
tests of this railway on a small scale
have been successful, an if now a larger
railroad is being built to run up the
HoohBtaufien,' near Bad Reichenhall,
Bavaria.
A oompany of workingmen 'in Eng
. laud latoly listened to a speaker who
called himself n fellow-workman. In
his time, he said, he had experienced
many privations. He had known what
it was to be cold because he could not
afford a fire. He had worn patohed
cloths and shoes. He hdd lived upon
poor fare. When he was young he
learned to plow as straight a furrow as
any man in the parish, and no one
could thrash bettor thau he. The
speaker was a man who in the table
of precedency comes next after the
' prinoes of royal blood -the Archbishop
of Canterbury.
Greater New York has a population
almost as great as that of the whole
United States at the time George
Washington was first elected Presi
dent. It has a' population equal to
that of the combined population of
the followiug twelve States : California,
Delaware, Florida, Idaho, Montana,
Nevada, North Dakota, Oregon, South
Dakota, Utah, Washington' aud Wyo
ming, with the District of Columbia
thrown in. Its population is nearlyjas
great as thatof swarming Holland, one
third greater thau that of all Norway,
twice as great as that of Cuba, equal
to that of Chile, aud greater than that
of Switzerland, Greece, Denmark or
Venezuela. It equals the oombiued
population of half a dozon of the
minor countries of Coittral and South
America.
Among the strange contributions
made by modern Syria to ecclesiasti
cal peace iu other lands the following
deserves mention, thinks the Inde
pendent! Iu a certaiu church in Soot
land the con ti over sy over the use of
' fermented or unfermentcd wine at the
communion service, reached a point
where it was neoessary to provide two
tables and two sets of elements in order
that the church might partake at tho
same timo. The sight and practice
was grief to all, and a scandal to
people outside. A committee was ap
pointed to solve the difficult 'problem;
Some one suggested that the church
send to Syria and procure" "the 'com
mon wine of tha country." This .met
with unanimous approval. And now
for several years the undivided church
celebrates each communion season, us
ing a wine made about three miles
away from Zahleh, in Mt. Lebanon.
Uncle Sam, as a tenant, pays mill
ions each year in rentals. There
hardly is a town in the United States
that does not reoeive something from
the Government for the rent of build
ings. The Fostoffloe Department, of
course, is the heaviest rent payer, and
after that comes the Federal judiciary.
Where the United Stutes owns a post
office building, and that is only in a
few large oities, the oourts also oc
cupy a port of the structure; but iuthe
majority of oases quarters have to be
rented for the accommodation of post
offices and oourts. The customs ser
vice aud the War ljpartmont also
rent quarters, while in the West the
Land Bureau of the Interior Depart
ment is a tenaut. At the national
capital, where it might be supposed
the Governmeut would have adequate
quarters for its bureaus, something
like $200,000 a year is paid for rent.
The point is often raised in Congress
that the Government should buill iu
Washington structures for the adjoin
modation of its servants, but with
such a pressure for public buildings
in the local towns of members of Con
gross it has beeu impossibly to get
appropriation.
, Now
A NATURE
Oh, birds Hint sing such thankful psalms.
(Rebuking human fretting,
Tench us your secret of content.
Your science of forgetting.
pQr every life must have its Ills
You, too, have times of sorrow
Tach us, Ilka you, to lay them by
And sing spaln to-morrow;
For gems of blackest jet may reel
Within a golden setting.
And he Is wise who understands
The science of forgetting.
Oil, palms, tlist bow before the gale
Until Its pouppfnl ending.
Tench as your yielding, linked with strength
Your graceful art of bending;
For every tree must meet the storm,.
Each henrt must encounter sorrow;
Teach us, like you, to bow, that we
May stand ereot to-morrow;
For there Is strength In humble grace-
Its wine disciples shielding
And be Is strong who understands
The happy art Of yielding.
Oh, brook, which laughs all night, all day,
With voice of sweet seduction,
Tenoh us your art of laughing more
At every new obstruction;
For every Ufa has eddies deep
And rapids fiercely dashing,
Bo met linos through gloomy caverns forced,
Sometimes in sunlight flashing;
Yet there Is wisdom In your way,
You! laughing waves and wimples;
Tenon us your gospel built of smiles;
The secret of your dimples.
Iff
LINKS OF CIRCUMSTANCE.
2$
Dy EVELYN
AM going to that auc
tion." "Barbara!"
"I neveir did visit
'vendew,' and the grocer
urged me."
"Yon never will, I
hope."
He was quite enthusiastic in his
sympathy over the poor little woman
who'B to be 'sold out.'"
"Yon're wasting yours. People
needn't have 'vandews' unless -they
wish."
"Mistake. These unfortunate neigh
bors are not indulging in this luxury
from choice. Thiuk of it. If all our
household staff had to be set out for
the inquisitive to criticise and haggle
over. It would about kill one."
"If you go there, Bab, you'll do
some foolish thing. We- have no
money, to waste on second-hand furni
ture. Besides, this cottage is full
now.1'
"Oh, I'lf not buy an article! I
think. But I'm curious to tee how
such 'affairs are conducted. Good
bye." Barbara left the room with decision,
and Mrs. Belts sighed as she rose
from the lunch table.
Kathryn laughed. "Why protest,
mother? Wheu my sister sets out to
make a fool of herself she generally
succeeds." .
"Humph! Sheconld not 'make a
fool of herself,' child. I'd like to
know what would become of ns butfor
her energetio character."
"Ah, well!" Kathryn pushed back,
lazily, managing to get her chair into
admirable focus for reflecting her
pretty self in the mirror opposite, aud
fell to reading a novel. An hour later,
tap on the window aroused her.
"For goodness sakel Barbara
Betts!"
"Yes," defiantly.
"What in the world?"
"Where's mother?"
She was at the door, instantly, des
pite her lameness.
"Why, Barbara, my daughter!
what are yon doing with that crea
ture?" "Leading it. It isn't a creature.
It's a stood."
"Whose?"
"Mine."
Yours! Have you bought a
horse?"
"It belongs to that race. The 'van
dew' folks called it 'the goat.' "
"Ami you went to that auction to
buy a horse 1"
"No. I went for fun. This repre
sents fun and sympathy combined in
one beautiful form. Isn't it sweet?"
"It's hideous. You're jesting. It
can't be yours."
"It is. Myjvery own. I love it al
ready; the first living thing which ever
belouged to me."
"Well! Where will you get the
money to pay for it?"
"It's paid for; and the halter was
thrown in. That cost nothing."
"How could you pay for it?"
"Eaaily."
"The price?"
"Eighteen dollars."-
"You bought a horse for eighteen
dollars?"
"Yes. If you've looked at Irer all
you wish I'll put her in the stable." '
Mrs. Betts uauk into a chair, gasp
ing. Kathryn arose and closed the
door.
"We should never have taken this
bouse, mother. Then.it wouldn't have
happened."
"I should like to learn the connec
tion between, this house and that
horse. "
"There's a stable to this cottage,
you know. Bab has been tormented
with schemes for utilizing it. She
says its the first stable she ever paid
rent for aud its emptiness reproached
her. Let us be thankful it wasn't a
cow to be milked."
"H'm. It's such horrible-looking
thing; and she has nothing to make it
comfortable."
"I suppose they nicknamed it 'goat'
on acoouut of it's size. It isn't much
bigger than Bab."
"It looks very old."'
"About her age, too. Thirty, if a
day." .
"Here she comes. She looks per
fectly happy, yet I eighteen dollars
disgrace Well, Barbara, what
text?"
PRAYER.
Oh, oaks, that stand la forest raulis,
Tail, strong, erect and sightly,
Your branches arched la noblest graoe,
Your leaflets laughing lightly;
Tenoh us your Arm sod unlet strength,
Your secrets of extraction
From Bllmy dnrknees lu the soil
The grace of life and action;
For they are rich who understand
The secret of eon-.blnlng
The good deep hidden in the earth
With tbst wuoro suns are shining
Oh, myriad forms of earth and air,
Of lake, and sea, and river,
Which makes our landscapes glad and fair
To glorify the giver;
Tench us to learn the lessons hid
In esch famlllsr feature,
The mystery which so periods
(Each low or lofty creature;
For Ood Is good, and life Is sweet,
While Suns are brightly shining . .
fo glad the glooms and thus rebuko
Our follies of repining.
Each night Is followed by Its day,
Ench storm by fairer weather,
While all the works of nature sing
Tbelr psalms of Joy together. .
Then learn, oh, henrt, their songs of hope,
Cense, soul, thy thankless sorrow;
For though the clouds be dark to-day,
The sun shall shine to-morrow;
Learn well from bird and tree and rill,
The sins of dark resentment;
And know the greatest gift of Ood
Is faith and sweet contentment.
J. E. Jones.
RAYMOND,
"A blanket and some feed
going down street after them."
I'm
"The animal must be returned. We
cannot be bothered."
It "Motuer, don't get worried. She
is mine. Her name is Flora. I hope
you will be considerate of her feel
ings. She ' has been a house-,
hold pet. Her mistress cried at part
ing, and I invited her to call."
"Why, of course. Another link,"
murmured Kathryn, softly.
Bab went out of the yard, down the
street. Her slight figure was girlish
in its activity, her dark eyes beautiful,
and her mouth well, nuder some cir
oumRtancesit might have been sweet.
At that moment it looked what the
grooer called "sot."
She went into the harness shop. "I
want a horse blanket. Not the largest
size."
"Yes, miss. For night, or day
nse?"
"I don't know. For thy stable."
"Then this sort. Here some
others, for the stroet. . Very hioe.
Like to look at them?"
"Do I need two kiuds?"
"In this weather, a horse certainly
requires blanketing after driving. But,
of conrse, you know that."
Pio. 1 know nothing. I am just
setting np an establishment."
"Bo? Been buying reoently?"
"At the anction, to-day."
"Wbich horse?"
"The little one. The pet."
The dealer smiled. "I should think
these cheap blankets were about the
patterirfor such an animal."
Barbara's temper flashed. "I will
take one of each. The proper size.
This blue aud grav one will be becom
ing, I think." Her menner, as she
paid the teu dollars which Flora's cos
tumes cost, implied: "rne norse is
mine. She has become a dignified
member of society.
"I'll send these right away."
"Do so, please. Whero is the feed
store?"
As she left the first shop she "did"
little mental problem. "A woman
bought a horse for eighteen dollars, a
night blanket for two and a half and a
street blanket for seven; how much
did she pay for the horse? Answer:
Her new winter coat. Was the woman
satisfied? She was."
Then she crossed the street, rumin
ating.
"l coven i tne least idea what a
horse requires, except hay. But I
won't be mean. H'm I I want to buy
some er norse provision."
"Yes, madam."
"I'll take I'll take twenty-five
pounds of hay and ten of oats."
"Eh? Beg pardon! I didn't quite
understand."
Barbara repeated her statement
distinctly.
"Yes; but we don't sell in that way.
nay by the hundred weight. Feed by
the bag or bushel."
"Indeed?" The merchant looked
honest. She resolved to trust him.
"I have never owned a horse before.
Please give me a little information. I
shall appreciate it."
So did the seller of oats, and Miss
Betts left his establishment with the
price of a gown to swell the sum in
additftn.
Flora was "in clover." She held
up her venerable held aud looked her
new mistress so gratefully in the eye
that Bab's heart melted within her.
"You precious animal! I believe
you are almost human! But how you
do eat! I suppose you've been half
starved. Never mind. You shall
have all you want, if I go without
myself. Good-night, Flora! Pleasant
dreams!" .
Did she actually hug the creature?
Elderly maideus, not fully appreciated
by their families, sometimes do ecoen
trio things. Be that as it may, Miss
Betts went iuto the house aud ban
daged her wrist, where an ugly bruise
called for gibing comment from
Kathryn.
"I do believe that beast has bitten
you."
"Well, if she has, she hasn't yet
learned to understand kindness."
"Oh, I thought she was a family
pet?"
There was no reply.
Barbara visited the stable four times
that night. She was there when the
breakfast bell ratig, aud she was not
hi quite her usnal dainty trim when
she appeared at table.
"I've been getting things in ordor.
I'll not be so late again.-"
"Shades of Araby! I wish you'd
postpone your stable .visits till after
you've visited your family," observed
the younger sister, spiffing.
"Children!"
"Yes, mother. But, Bab, what are
you going to do with Miss Flora, now
you have her?"
"I I'm going to buy a .saddle and
ride. She lias a delightful motion,
they tell me."
"Barbara Belts! how are you to pay
for all this ex'travagance?"
"Out of my own allowance."
The tone admitted of no further
comment.
When they left the breakfast-room
Mrs. Betts said, rather wistfully:
"Now that we have a horse, I al
most wish we had a wagon."
Flora's mistress was inclined to re
sent the "we hove," but a glance
motherword checked the tendency.
On the walk to the mail her saddle was
metamorphosed into a harness and
phaeton, with robes.
"It must be seoond hand, to match
the horse. I saw such advertisod.
I'll buy that outfit."
She did. The next day she har
nessed Flora and invited Mrs. Betts
to ride. Flora earned her title of
"goat" by capering around in a frantic
manner, which ended in the severing
of straps and the overturning of the
vehicle. This culmination of- her
playfulness was reached at most
favorable point in front of the har
ness shop.
The master came out and rescued
the ladies.
"If I were allowed to offer sugges
tion, I should say 'first learn to har
ness.' The reasons why this broke
are that it is on wrong, and it is worn
out."
Barbara Betts was. sensible! She
always followed good advice. She
bought a new harness on the spot and
ordered a new phaeton for the morrow,
bartering her second-hand outfit as
(slightly) partial payment. That
night she wrote in her dairy:
Item One horse. .Cost One winter o'oat.
" . Illankets... " Two pairs shoes.
" Harness. ... " Two bonnets.
" l'lireton.eto " AnewCyolopedlo.
ProveDder " Travel, oonfeot.,
sundries.
Payment received: Something belonging
exclusively (?) to myself; some labor; a
little fun. Equation proves.
Said Kathryn, some three months
later:
"Bab, I should think you might let
me drive that beast once in a while.
Here we've had a horse all this time,
and I've not ridden once behind it. I
suppose I've no right to oomplain, bnU
if I had a sister and a horse, I d
bring the two iuto some sort of agree
able connection or I'd set myself up
for a model of selfishness."
"H'm! Would you really ride be
hind the despised 'goajt?' "
"Since she's been 'clipped she
seems to have regained her youth.
She's almost coltish."
"But would you? do you mean
it?"
"If I had a chance."
"In the beginning I made a resolu
tion that nobody, save myself, should
ever drive Flora."
"Break it"
I never break a vow. There is
one other wjiy out of the difficulty.
I'll take it to prove I'm not as selfish
as you think."
Kathryn smiled graciously and re
sumed her embroidery, but that after
noon she was invited to drive.
"Leaving mother aHiome?"
"Taking mother with us!"
"I don't understand."
"Look out of the window."
There stood Flora appearing very
gay and youthful in a new russet har
ness, before two seated buckboard.
"My sake! the whole turnout is a
symphony in browas! How swell!
And whose?"
"Mine. Will you go?"
"Won't I?"
"Barbara, my daughter! Have you
mortgaged all your small fortune to
this horse?" demanded Mrs. Betts, as
Flora gayly skimmed over the ground
with three admiriug women behind
her.
"Aunt Mary's little legacy has gone
into this rig!
' 'Oh, then, you'll have nothing left to
Baorifloe."
"Only myself."
"You'll be sold next. OrFlora, to
pay for herself.
"If she is I will be. Whoever takes
one must the other." .
"It is clear infatuatiou and ruin."
"It is pure affection."
"Stuff."
When that drive was over Miss Bar
bara bad a visitor. This was unusual.
The more so, that the visitor was a
gtmtleman. The maid ran out to the
stable where Bab was putting Flora to
bed, and announced, "There a mau
wunta to see you, miss."
All the male acquaintances she had
formed since ooming to Belleville
were connected with Flora's or the
family's requirements. This was
piobably the "feed man," with an
other bill. The young woman's lips
took on their most soft expression.
"Well, I'm completely bankrupt.
But Flora shall not starve, if I do.
Her appetite, though, is something
frightful. However, send the fellow
out here."
Flora was never allowed to retire
except iu the trimmest order, with
mane iu "crimps" and every hair ex
act. MisB Barbara did not relax in
her attentions for so slight a thing as
a call aud probable dun. Her face was
grim aud eyes averted till masou
line footfall and "Ahem!" compelled
consideration.
Then she did look up, iudeed, and
screamed, "Oh, my you!"
"(treat Cutsar, Barbara! You? Are
you the wotuau who bought my sister's
horse?"
I do not know
your sister," coldly.
She had instantly rallied from her
agitation.
"But, beg' pardon, you do. She
was this animal's owner, obliged to
part with it after her husband's
failure. I just got back from the
mines Sonth Amerioa -and heard it.
I am tryiug to recover her scattered
household gods. This beast, I sup
pose, was one of them. I came to buy
it ,1 but bow should I dream that 'Miss
Belts' was my Miss Belts my Barbara!
After ten years of waiting, darling! I
take all the blame. I was hot-tempered
and unjust. I should have re
membered how firm yon always were."
"No; I'm an old maid now, and they
call me 'sot'."
Flora's would-be purchaser walked
in and closed the stable door behind
him.
"Well, of all things!" exclaimed
Mrs. Betts, from her point of view. "'If
Barbara were younger "
"It's all right, mother. The maid
says that the gentleman is the brother
of Flora's first mistress."
After some time a Bab came in, the
stranger with her.
".Mother, do you remember Mr.
Croydon? Iusedtoknow him at the
University."
The lady's memory failed, but she
accepted the statement without oom
ment. Not so quietly, however, that
which followed: "And I've sold
Flora."
"Sold Flora! Impossible! How
could you?"
"Because because I go with the
horse." Frank Leslie's Popular
Monthly. '
Habits and Ilearts.
According to a local paper an or
ganization has just beeu formod at
Chicago whose members propose to
substitute a phrenologist for Cupid.
The working plan of this association,
which is said to have a rapidly increas
ing membership, is to hold what are
called matrimonial picnics every few
weeks, at which all the candidates of
both sexes for the marriage state sub
mit their heads to -the examination of
the qualified officals for the recording
of characteristic bumps. After due
comparisons and consultations, a list
of men and women whose traits are
found to supplement each other's are
told off, and all possible encourage
ments offered to induce their speedy
marriage. At a recent matrimonial
picnic sixty men and forty women had
their oranical bumps felt by the pro
fessors, and a number of marriages of
"affinities" are expected to take place
shortly. A great deal of scientific in
terest is taken, it is said, in the ex
periment, and careful records will be
kept of each union. The society has
a comprehensive programme, includ
ing a scheme for providiug suitable
starts in life for such of its members
as need assistance. The development
of the children of these scientific mar
riages is expected to afford data which
will be of great benefit to humanity.
The Ledger.
A Queer Denlien of Berlin.
Among the queer denizens of Ber
lin wa for many years a retired mu
nicipal official named Max Duestrow.
This man has just died at a ripe old
age, leaving a goodly fortune behind
him. He had been in the finance de
partment und had beoome so thorough
ly imbued with his work that even af
ter his retirement he used to do all his
money transactions in the old-accustomed
way. Before he could he pre
vailed upon to pay anything he would
draw np a formal written request on
himself to pay the sum iu question,
urging the neoessity of the case and
the nature of the expenditure. Then
he would properly indorse this peti
tion, tie it with ribbon and deposit
it in one of the pigeon-holes of his
desk, labeling it "department of
flnauoes requests." Whereupon he
would draw up another report, like
wise addressed to himself, in whichjhe,
with the usual preamble, would al
low the expenditure, and this docu
ment he would put in another com
partment labeled "department of
flnanoes expenditure." In this way
he spent the better part of his leisure,
until death came and wiped out all
scores. Chicago Record.
Her tiraee.
An Englishwoman of rank, a duchess,
was very apt to forget to pay her bills.
A milliner, whose large billjiad beeu
repeatedly ignored by the duchess, at
last determined to send her little girl
for the monej, which was so much
needed.
"Be sure and say 'your grace' to the
duobess," said the anxious mother,
aud the child gravely promised to re
member. Wheu, after a long wait,
she was ushered into the presence of
her ji'aoe, the little girl dropped her
low courtesy, aud then folding her
hands and closing her eyes, said soft-
"For what I am about to receive,
may the Lord make me truly thank
ful." As she opened her eyes and turned
her wistful gaze on tho duchess, that
person turned very red and without
delay made out a check for the amount
due her milliner.
A Sciential' Practical BuBge.Uou.
W. L. Watts, the field assiataut of
the Mining Bureau, who has been in
vestigating tho oil formations of South
ern California, receives all sorts of ex
traordinary requests from parties who
seem to thiuk thut the State Mining
Bureau has beeu created for their
especial benefit. A local paper stutes
that he received the other day the fol
lowing: "Mr. Watts, dear sur: There
is a well ou my lot the water iu which
smells bad. What do you thiuk it isV"
Mr. Watts is a very hardworking and
conscientious scientist, but this was a
little too much for him, so he replied
briefly: "Dear Sir: Perhaps it is a
dead cat. Yours very truly, W, L.
Watts."
"This is my horse.
THE MERRY SIDE OF LIFE.
STORIES THAT ARE TOLD BY THE
FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS.
How He Mft Her HI. Complaint Taken
Literally Looks I.lko It Tha Cheer
ful Idiot A CM.ofMniU.Th. Scotch
Becnrlna a Snbatlttite HIm Reason, Eto
Bhe was the very sweetest girl
I ever ran across,
But how to make apologies
I really am at loss.
I struck her coasting down a bill,
My wheel the maid did toss
Bhe wss tho very swoetost girl
I ever ran scrogB.
McLnndburgh Wilson.
Taken Literally.
Governess (reading) "Every morn
ing her anxious eyes swept the hori
eon." Listener "What long eyelashes
that princess must have had!"
Looks Like It.
"Does that girl of yours use cold
cream for her complexion, Chump
ley?" "I guess so. I know that I'vo
bought her enough ice cream to fill a
box car." Detroit Free Press.
Her Complaint
Little Millie "What is your papa's
business?"
Little Clarence ''My papa is a
poet."
Little Millie "That ain't a busi
ness it is a disease." Illustrated
Bits.
That May Me Why.
Mrs. Birmingham "Mrs. Manches
ter's favorite exclamation is, 'The
idea!"'
Mrs. Northside "Yes, and I don't
thiuk she would reoognize an idea if
she met one." Pittsburg Chronicle
Telegraph. Tha Scotch.
"Serpent," she cried, "I'll Bcotch
thee!"
The villain trembled.
"Mercy!" he implored, as she drew
a book of dialect selections from her
bosom and turned the leaves rapidly.
Detroit Journal.
A Footllgiit Meteor.
Manager "Have you over played a
leading part?"
Applicant "Yes."
Manager "What was it?"
Applicant "I led the mule in an
'Uncle Tom's Cabin' company for two
seasons." Chicago News.
Securing a Substitute.
Maltie "I'm so sorry, dear, to learn
that death has robbed you of your
favorite poodle. How can you ever
console yourself for his loss?"
Helen (sobbing) "I d-don't know;
b-bnt I s-suppose I'll h-have to g-get
m-married." Chicago News.
A flood Kzcase.
up to-night," wrote an
"Come
Atchison girl
to a you u r man this
morning. "I
am going
to have an
evening.
"I should like to pome," he wrote
back, "but unfortunately I have just
had a night." Atchison Globe..
Twain Blade One.
"The Bev. Dr. Thirdly is a great
condenser, isn't he?"
"A condenser? How so?"
"You know he has a record of 2100
marriages and must, therefore, have
condensed 4800 people into just half
that number." Chicago News.
The Cheerful Idiot.
"Is it possible," asked the young
est boarder, "for a newspaper man to
be an upright man?"
"Of course it is possible," said the
Cheerful Idiot. "Being a write-up
man does not hinder him from being
an upright man." Indianapolis Jour
nal. A Case of Must.
"Is a mau ever justified in breaking
a matrimonial engagement?" he asked
anxiously.
The query editor loaned back in his
chair and looked thoughtful.
"It is not so much a question of
justification," he said at last, "as it is
of the kind of cinch the girl has cu
you for breach of promise." Chicago
Post. . .
Ante-Dlluvlan.
Johnny (who is just learning about
electricity) "Pa, I thought electrio
lights were the result of recent dis
coveries?" Fond Parent "So they are, Johnny;
what makes you ask that?"
Johnny "'Cause Willie Jones said
to-day that they must be an old thing,
and when I asked him why, he said,
'Well, Noah must have used an ark
light.' " Philadelphia Inquirer."
Sweet KetDiiae.
"I'd like to kuow," exclaimed the
enraged client, "why I ought to feel
jubilant ovor the outcome of this
case?"
"Didn't we obtain a verdict for $10,
000?" the lawyer asked.
"Yes, but you got about all of it.
What good does it do me?"
"My dear sir, the other fellow feels
just as bad as if every cent of it were
goiug into your pocket!" Chicago
News.
Ills lteason.
"I understand you have been advo
tcntiug a tax ou bachelors," said Siu
'gletou. "I have," replied Benedict.
"Upon what grounds do you justify
it?"
"Upon the general theory that a man
should be made to pay for the enjoy
ment of a luxury."
This he considered very clever until
his wife heard of it, wheu it seemed
.to lose much of its brilliancy. Chi
cago Post.
Iu Indiu when a native sees a bicy
cle he reverently prostrates himself.
He does not wait to be ruu oVtr.
EITHER WAY.
I saw the new moon yesternight;
O'er my right shoulder foil Its light)
Put she, my love, she f-lt bereft
Ilecause tho moonbeams crossed her loft
I tried to put her gloom to flight
"Some say the loft and somo the right."
Put still she shook her pretty head
"I wish it was the right," she said.
Then fortune promoted mo to say,
"Let's wed and catch it either ny."
Cleveland Plain Dealer.
HUMOR OF THE DAY.
"I see that Timmins is getting out
another novel." "Historicol or hys
terical?" Indianapolis Journal.
Whoever sits down to wait for trade
to come his way will need a thick
cushion on his seat. Profitable Ad
vertising. Chuuipleigh "Docs your fathei
object to my coming here?" Miss
Flippe "No, only to your staying."
Standard.
"My wife has a mania for bargains."
"Yes?" "But when she asks me for
a dollar she won't take ninety cents."
Chicago Record.
Friend "This seems to be a com
fortable flat." Harlomite "It does.
It makes that impression on every
body who dou't live in it." Puck.
"People are not alike, and what
suits one may not suit another." "I
guess that's right. What is one man's
bicycle is auother man's juggernaut."
Puck.
"Does Miss Dallington play and
sing much when you call on her?"
"Nj; I am beginning to believe that
she really loves me." Cleveland
Leader.
Mistress "Bridget, are there any
letters for me this morning?" Bridget
"Only two postal cards, but there's
nothing of importance in them."
Fliegende Blaetter.
Tom "Why do you always call
your mother 'tho mater?' " Dick
"Any woman who could succeed in
marrying off my four sisters deserves
the title." Tit-Bits.
Littlo Bob "Aw! I could walk the
rope just as well as the circus mau, if
it wasn't for one thing!" Little
Willy "What is that?" Little Bob
"I'd fall off." Harper's Bazar.
"Miss Fastidity is very dainty in
ber manners, isn't she?" "I should
say so. Why, she cau even eat corn
off the oar without looking as if she
had both hoofs in the trough."
Puck.
Woggings "Jiggins, can you loan
mo $20? I'll return it to-morrow
sure." Jiggins "Can't possibly do
it, Woggins; I've got to use the money
a week from next Tuesday." Roxbury
Gazette. ,
Good Friend "I have reason to
suspect that your husband is flirting
with other women. You ought to fol
low him wherever ho goes." "Great
Scott! My husband is a postman."
Fliegende .Blaetter.
"Our public school system is
doomed; that's what it is." "Some
thin' new goin' wrong, Weary?" "Yes.
They're tulkiu' of puttiu' shower
lmths iuto th' school houses."
Clevelaud Plain Dealer.
Harriet "AHd so Fred Dnllwich
has asked you to marry him, has he?"
Margaret (sighing nud blushing)
"STes night before last!" Harriet
"What a stickler he is for formali-
ties." Clevelaud Leador.
"Of course," said one old farmer to
the other, "your boy is learnin' Latin
aud Greek at college, but is he gettin'
anything practical?" "Oh, yes. In
the last letter he writ he tolls me he
is takin' lessons iu feucin'." De
troit Free Pres.
"Now," said the attorney for the
defence, "here is a skull. Cau you
toll us to what species it belongs?"
"It's the skull of a lawyer," replied
the expert witness. "IIow can you
tell?" "By the cheek bones." Phil
adelphia North American.
"Wheu we reached the station," said
the young bride recently returned
from the wedding tour, "the men
picked my husband np aud carried him
to the house on their shoulders."
"Yes," said a neighbor, "but it wasn't
the first time they'd carried him home."
How a Fortune Was I-ot.
A London electrician recently in
vented au apparutus calculated to
greatly simplify a certaiu process of
manufacture. This he perfected iu
his own factory and provisionally
patented. Othor interests then occu
pied his attention, and, by some mis
chance, he forfeited his right to com
plete the patent. Illness afterward
intervened, aud iu his absence the
apparatus went wrong,' aud work
man was called iu to put matters
right. Ha realized the value of the
invention, thoroughly masterod the
intricacies of tho apparatus and
straightway drew up a specification
aud obtained letters patent. Almost
at once he disposed of the right to use
tho appuratus to a certaiu number of
firms, aud found himself in a moment
the richer by close upon $500,000.
Meantime the actual inventor merely
enjoys the right to use the apparatus
In. his own works.
I'luia Indian Fat lloy.
Foderal authorities ou the Muri
copa aud Prima Iudiuu reservation)
near Phumix, Arizoua, report the death
of Ne-un-cama, the famous Pima fat
boy, who was but tifteeu years old,
yet tipped the scales at HO pounds.
Occasionally Ne-uu-ciima used to come
up from the reservation on a visit to
Phuuuix. This was excitement enough
for one duy in Phumix. Crowds fol
lowed him about the stroet aud stared
at him as though he were a curio in
a museum. He was a great fuvorij
among his own people, and great
preparations are being made for his
funeral services.