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VOL. XXX. NO. 32. TIONESTA, PA., WEDNESDAY, NOV. 24, 1807. S1.00 PER ANNUM.
Forest
Republi
Bismarck declares that one of the
. chief regrets of his old ago is that ho
cannot ride a bicyolo.
Success has attended an effort nt
banana-growing in Fitzgerald, Go.,
where a plant reached the height of
twelve feet and put forth satisfactory
fruit.
The noble animal, the horse, has
by no means lost his usefulness.
During seven months of tho present
year 3038 horses have beou imported
into Germany from Amorica and util
ized for tho manufacture of sausages,
Judge Gobhord Wilbrich, of St.
Paul, who has just returned from
Germany, says: "Beet sugar has be
come a great industry in Germany,
and many of the large estates havo
been given over to raising sugar
beets. The large landholders employ
cheap labor, including many women,
in the cultivation of tho beets."
, Tho Czar of Bnssin has bestowed sis
orders of St. Stanislas upon tho gar
deners of the Hotel do Villo, in recog
nition of their services when he was
in Paris. As tho tax for wearing a
decoration in France is 100 francs a
year, it is probable they will havo to
keep them in their pockets, whore
they would much rather have half of
tho tax.
Dead of iusano fear of robbory, with
$30,000 of Klondike gold under his
pillow such is tho fato one Alaska
argonaut. The glittering treasure but
turned a brain and extinguished a
lifo. The tragedies of tho direful
journeys across the frozen passes do
not cease even when the goal has been
reached and the treasure trove. The
story and the song of tho arctic aurifer
ous gulches, yet to bo written, will
thrill with tragedy.
Tho Cripple Creek schemo to run a
monthly gold traiu couveying the pro
duct of the mines there to the United
States mint is a brilliant one, offering
a challenge to brigandage surpassing
that of tho most stretching Indian
caravans ever looted by Burabbas.
The output of the mines is now about
$1,000,000 a month, enough to justify
a special train and a sufficient guard,
thus advertising the district in . a
grandiose manner correspondent with
its true deservings, says the Now York
World.
' Says tho Chicago Times-Herald:
Gold production in the United States
has increased with marvelous rapidity
during the current year. The craze
of the Klondike River regions should
not obacuro the great facts as they
: exist Klondike's total yield for 1897
seems roughly, to be about $8,000,000.
That is a comfortable buiu, but it is a
mere nothing when compared with the
wonderful output of .the yellow metal
iu the United States. This gold from
Alaska is all what is bulled placer, a
Spanish word meaning an open space
where pure or nearly pure gold is
found. What may be the production
of Alaska when machinery and mining
engineers have done their work there
is no telling. But it does not matter
much the human raco can stand all
the gold Alaska can produce for some
time to oome.
A pure food exhibit in Chicago fur
nishos occasion to tho Times-Herald
for reminding citizens' of the efforts
that are now being put forth by the
Federul Department of Agriculture to
.investigate tho character and extent of
the adulteration of foods aud drugs in
the United States. This is one of the
most importaut inquiries, remarks tho
Times-Herald, that can be inaugurated
under government auspices, and is
without doubt the most valuable ser
vice that the Agricultural Department
can render to the people. Many of
the States have enacted lawa to pre
vent adulteration of food, but they aro
but indifferently enforced. The only
effective way to stump ant adulteration
is through Federal laws, aud one of
the objocts of the present Federal in
quiry is to ascertuiu to what extent
the State laws on this subject have
been enforced. Adulteration of food
aud drugs is curried on much more ex
tensively than the people imagine It
is a question iu which the public is
tlelply interested, because it affects
health, morals and legitimate trade.
The European govewiuieuts are sevcro
... 1 . i 41 t
m tueir puuiHuuieut oi iuobo wuo
adulterate food and drug, aud their
supervision of all food products is
rigid. It was only roeoutly that the
people of Switzerland voted for an
amendment to the constitution which
will provide for government surveil
lance of all food products, and heavy
penalties for adulterations. The de
partment at Washington solicits the
uo-operatiou of till eitizeus of the
Uuitod Httitej iu gathering positive
lata with refer. ''.d to adulterations.
t urn.
ior its
T was growing
r .1 . ...i m:
tllll K WUttU iUlHCI
Martie, with her
basket on her
arm, came into
tho coiner mar
ket to buy her
Thanksgiving
dinner. The
basket -was ab
surdly small, but
Miss Mattie was
little herself,
aud when she
set it on the
high counter
and stood blink
ing in the bright
light, the calf's head at her elbow
seemed to bo grinning at them both.
"Well, Miss Mattie," called out the
market man, in his hearty fashion,
"I see your mind is not set on a tur
key this time, but just wait till I start
this basket oil for Cap n Lawson s and
I'll show . you the right thing a
plump little duck I clapped into the
safe this morning, thinking to myself
that a the very moral of a treat lor
Miss Mattie."
Miss Mattie Iookod embarrassed
and rubbed her forefinger uneasily
over a small coin that lay in the palm
of her hand under her glove. It was
a silver five-cout piece, and she had
taken it with much hesitation from a
little store of pieces, most of thorn
given her when sho was a child. For
herBolf she could have got along very
well with bread and tea, but somehow
it seemed a dishonor to all her happy
past not, to havo something special on
Thauksgiving; and so she had a feel
ing of real pity for it, lying there
warm and snug in hor palm, and so
Boon to go tumbling into the heap of
clashing, jingling coins tossed about
by the bnteber's greasy lingers, ' or
perhaps into the pocket of that hor
rible apron with blood-stains on it.
Miss Mattie shuddered, but quickly
recovered herBelf to say, cheerfully:
"Oh, thank you, Mr. Simmons; but
don't you think ducks are a sight of
trouble, what with the stuffing aud the
roasting and needing to be looked
after aud basted regular? I made up
my mind to something simple, aud I
don't know anything that's easier got
or more relishing than lamb chops.
Two lamb chops is about what I
thought of, Mr. Simmons. You know
there's only me."
Mr. Simmons had not seen the five
cent pieoe, but he understood just as
well as if ho had, and ho begau to cut
the chops at once, talUiug all the time
to relieve his own embarrassment and
assuring Mian Multie that "if folks
only knew it, thero was nothing like
lamb chops to encourage your appe
tite and strengthen you up all over."
"But you'il have to tuke three
chops," looking curiously at tho money
Miss Muttio laid iu his big baud, "or
I'll have to inuke change, and change
is scarcer than hen's teeth to-night.
You might havo company unexpected,
you know, and an extry chop would
come in handy."
Miss Mattie laughed so genially
that the market man ventured to slip
a sweetbread and a bunch of yellow
celery into the basket on the sly. He
would have loved to put in the duck,
but that would have looked as if he
suspected her reuson for not buying
it, and, bless you, he knew better
than that. Some people huvo feel
ings, though their feces ore red and
their hands coarse and greasy.
Miss Mattie went very happily down
the street. She had lighted her lamp
before she went out, aud a cheerful
little ray smiled encouragingly at her
as she came to the gate. All the
other wiudows iu the weather-beaten
old house were black and empty aud
looked to the lonesome little woman
as if all sorts of hobgoblins might be
peeping out at her from the gloom be
bind them, for Miss Muttie's neigh
bora hud gone away on a Thauksgiv-
Jl
. j '
ing visit and taken the whole family,
At IeaBtthey said "the whole family,
but at the very moment Miss : Mattie
came to the gate a member of the fain
lly was hnddled up in a corner of the
doorway, cold, huugry and much per
plexed to understand what had become
of all his friends and why, iu spite of
his pitiful plea, no one came to open
the door for him. lie heard Miss
Mattie and ran hopefully to meet her,
limning as he came, for he had a stiff
leg.
"Why. Tommy Barnes," said Miss
Mattie, stooping to pat his rough yel
low head, "you don't mean to soy
your folks have gone off to Thanks
giving and left you beeind. Well, if
I ever! How dreadful thoughtless
and you a cripple besides!"
Tommy kept on crying, but lie naa
his eye on the door while Miss Mattie
was fitting her key, and the minute it
opened ho darted in.
"That's right, Tommy," said Miss
Mattie; "just make yourself at home.
You and I'll have our Thanksgiving
together. That extra chop will be
wanted after all, and I'm going to
make riz biscuits."
She put away her bonnet and shawl
and hung the basket on a nail in the
back-room without even looking at the
contents, though Tommy Barnes
watched her keenly with a shrewd sus
picion of something good, aud a faint
hope which nothing iu his past expe
rience justified that he might come in
for a share of it. Miss Mattie was ao
customed to being alone, and she
THE JOYS OF" THANKSGIVING.
scarcely thought of Tommy, as she
trotted about, setting the sponge for
her biscuits in a pint bowl, putting a
little cup of broth on the stove to
warm for hor supper, making her tea,
toasting her bread, aud at last sitting
down by the table in the little green
chair with a patchwork cushion. Up
to this poiut Tommy had sat quietly
by the tire, having learned by many
severe lessons that little folks should
be seen and not heard, but when Miss
Mattie poured out the Bavory broth
the delicious odor was too much for
his fortitude, aud with one bound he
sprung into her lap.
"Bless me," said Miss Mattie, "if I
hadn't clean forgot you, aud you half
starved, I dare say. There, get down.
I never could abide cats around my
victuals."
She put Tommy gently on the floor,
crumbled some bread into the bowl of
broth, cooled it carefully and set it
down for him to eat.
"It's pretty rich for me anyway,"
she said, as she made out her supper
with toast and tea.
It was perhaps well for Tommy that
he took an early promenade next
morning around the back yards of the
neighborhood, aud secured several
This Kaoe all So Uluiu.
Cut It and sance It and kIvo us all some,
Fruin l'HU Hkiuuv Joe to Torn Fat;
For 'tin Timuksglviug Day aud this face ull
so glum,
Was never uut out for one but.
TliiimKu Hharwooit.
. .. ..-0t
valnablo tid bits, for Miss Mattie bad
very little to offer him. She baked
her delightful little puffs of biscuits,
and enjoyed them immensely, rinding
them lighter and more digestible with
out butter. She read a Thanksgiving
psalm and went about trying to sing
in a little chirrupy voice like a brown
sparrow. She brought in the small
basket and flushed over tho unexpect
ed treasuretrove, but took it kindly as
a bit of neighborly goodwill. The
sweetbread, white and plump aud all
ready for cooking, reminded her of old
Mrs. Morrison, just beginning to sit
up and watch the people go by the
window. What a toothsomo dainty
this would be for her, and what a de
light that she should be able to take
it to her as she went to church, yes,
aud some of the celery, too, for a rel
ish. The chops wore transferred to a
plate on the shelf, the swei thread
wrapped in a fine old napkin and laid
back in tho basket with the best half
of the celery, and tho biscuits Miss
Mattie had saved for dinner.
"The cold broad will go just as well
with chops," she reflected, and pre
pared for church with a glow of hap
piness such as she had not kuown in a
long time.
It helped to a real feeling of thank
fulness, especially when she thought
of old Mrs. Morrison, and now pleased
she had been with the uuexpected
gift. Sue laughed a lit Ho to herself
as she returned to her own door after
service, remeinberiug how when Sally
Morrison had commiserated her on be
ing alone Thanksgiving Day, sho had
assured her she had company invited
Tommv Barnes, from the next door,
who was spending a couple of doys
with her, the rest of the family being
away.
"I hope 't wa'n't a sinful untruth,"
she said, smiling at Tommy, who lay
peacefully sleeping on the braided rug,
"but if old Miss Morrison had set in
to have me stay to dinner, I shouldn't
a' known how to get away, and she is
such a talker.
With a long, clean Bprou over her
best frock, Miss Mattie began cheer
fully to make hor small preparations
for tho Thauksgiving feast. She had
meditated leaving one chop for break
fast, but hor walk and happiness had
made her hungry and she decided to
oook tbem all.
But where did she put those cnops
she was getting so forgetful she
could have sworn she put them on the
shelf could she have left them in the
basket after all? Her perplexed eyes
fell from the shelf to the floor, and
there, just peeping from the wood-box
was the plate, and two small, very
small, bits of bone, gnawed quite clean
and white.
Ungrateful Tommy Barnes, lyiug
there in peaceful slumber, with those
precious chops rounding out your yel
low sides, if justice hod befallen you
then aud there you might not have
lived to steal again. But into the
midst of Miss Mattie righteous wruth
came the reflection that Tommy must
have been hungry, and the fault after
all was partly her own for putting
temptation iu his way, "though how
anything could have been further out
of his way thau that shelf, I don't
really see," she added, dolefully.
At that minute Tommy Barnes
waked trom his nap, transformed him
self into a camel, yuwued iu a fright
fully tigerish fashion, aud proceeded to
sharpen his claws on the rug, tho
sacred rug into which had beeu
braided some precious old gurments
dear to Miss Muttie's heart. It was a
straw too much to have iumilt added
to injury, aud springing from her
chair, she cuffed Tommy iu, such
vigorous fushiou that three or four
hearty blows fouud their mark before
the astonished sinner could withdraw
his claws and bound out at the buck
door, left ajar iu the search for the
chops. At that instant a resounding
knock on the front door sent Miss
Muttie's heurt to her throut with a
sudden leap, as if justice were already
coming to take her iu hand for unrea
sonable cruelty.
When Miss Mattie was peacefully
pattering about, unconscious of the
cruel trick fate and Tommy Burnes
hud played her, Mrs. Deacon Giles
was surveying her husband with a dis
turbed ami tearful fuee.
"You don't meuu to tell me," she
repeuted, "that the minister's folks
ain't comiu' at all, and you aud me
has got to eat this big dinner alone?
Here. I staved home from church to
tend to it. Oh, you needn't to look
as if vou thought it was a judgment.
Josiah I wouldn't be such a hipper-
crit as to preteud to be thiukiu' of
uniritouul tliimrs when T was wonder
n if Sarah Ellon would remember to
asto tho turkey. Scorns to me they
might let ns know sooner."
But I told ye, mother, it was a
elegram come jiiHt before church.
You can't regerlato telegrams like tho
weekly newspaper, or stop folks from
dyin unexpieted. ' .
"Then, why didnt yon rush round
and get somebody else? Mercy snkest
Twon't seem hko Thanksgiving at
all "
"Didn't eeem to be anybody to ask
but old Mis' Morrison and Marthy
Ellison. I drove round by the Morn-
eons, but the old lady was just having
YELLOW
something relishing Miss Mattie had
fetched iu. They said they invited
her to dinner, but sho had conip ny;
one of them Barneses next door.
"Fiddlesticks!" said the deacon's
wife, in a very disrespectful tone, "You
just drive straight back and bring
Marthy Ellison up here to dinner.
Tell her I dou't tako any excuse, and,
if she can t come otucrvvays, she can
bring her comp'ny along, though the
way them ehif'less Bnrnesses impose
on her is a mortal .shame.
Good Deacon Giles had learned
dooility iu many years of experience,
and the double knock at Miss Mattie
door followed as quickly as could be
reasonably expected. Miss Mattie at
tempted neither excuse nor hesitation,
but accepted her good providence with
radiant delight.
"Mother said to fetch your comp'ny
along," said tho deacon, glancing
doubtfully about tho small room. "Wo
heard you had one of the Barneses.
kinder hope 'taiu't the cross-eyed one
that stole my pears."
"Oh," said Miss Mattie, laughing
into the little mirror, as she tied her
bonnet, "he's had his dinner aud bo's
gone out."
She didn't say that he had eaten
hers also, but at Mrs. Giles's hos
pitable table, under the genial influ
ence of generous fare aud pleasant
old-time reminiscences, she told the
story of Tommy Barnes aud the lamb
chops in a way that made tho deacon
lose his breath with lnughter. And
when she was tucked into tho yellow
sleigh for the rido home, Mrs. Giles
stopped at the door to say :
"I put some bitsof bines and things
in a banket under the scat for Tommy.
Takes a sight of stuff to reely fill np a
cat fur 'nough to give his moral princi
ples a fair showiu'."
Tommy was on the step waiting to
welcome Miss Mattm, which snows
his forgiving disposition, and, though
he got as much as was good for him
out of tho basket under the seat, Miss
Mattie very wisely concluded that the
miuce pie, roast chicken and cran
berry sauce could hardly have been
meant for his delight, so she locked
them in tho cupboard, Baying do-
cidedlv:
"This time, Tommy Barnes, I'll
give your moral principles a fuirshow-
lUg." ElIILY llUNTINUTON MlLLEU.
O HEART, CVE THANKS.
O heurt, (,'lvo timnks for strength, to-day,
To walk, to run, to werk, to play!
For fi'iistsof oye; melodious sound;
Thy pulses' eusy, rliytliniln hound;
Ten servants that thy will obey;
A inlud clear ns tho sun's own ray;
A life which bus uut unsnnd Its Slay;
That all thy beloi thus is crowned,
O heart, Kivetuuuks!
Feut helpless He that ou.io were Kay;
K.vhh know but nlelit's eternal sway;
Kouls dwell Iu silence, ilruud, profound;
Minds live with clouds eucircliutf rouud;
In fuee of these, thy blessings weigh!
O beurt, give thunk!
tunna C. Dowd.
On llesurt Air.
Wiuthrop "If Freddie is going to
spend Thanksgiving witli his grand
mother, perhaps you d better buy nun
that tiu horn."
Mrs. Wiuthrop "I spoke to him
about it, my dear, but he said it would
do no good to him, as grandmother is
deaf."
Tho Kid's llarvpal.
Now he Is us pleased as pleased cu bo,
Aud has uo euase to sigh.
Vilh ull his heart be says: "To mo
Tliauhsgivlng time is pK"
" The Tlirkry oil the Wall.
'IE opening of tbeche!-
loit burs.
The leaves, yellow uud
ST
Told beyond u perud
venture That Thanksgivlug Day
was near.
Uut, to ujy childish
fancy.
The surest sigu of ull,
Oi the nearness uf
Thanksgiving,
Was lh .turkey ou
the wall.
It plainly told the story
That we hud not long
to wall.
For Hi ' path from wall
to taljle
Was very bhori uud straight.
It hung ull plump uud golden
lu tho punlry ueur the door
For u day or two before the feust,
And then wus seeu uo uioru.
f III msmm
"bhk was tdcked in the
BLEIOH."
SCIENTIFIC AND INDUSTRIAL.
Good veins of emery have been found
in the sapphire mines iu tho Yogo di
trict, Montana.
A Dutch man of Weert has found a
way of spinning thread from peat,
which is woven into clothing. The
fabrics thus made are comparatively
cheap an 1 intended for ordinary use.
At a recent meeting of tho Institu
tion of Civil Engineers in London, the
opinion was expressed that the coming
material for ship-bnilding is nickel
steel, but that before it can bo exten
sively used, further deposits of nickel
must bo discovered.
French experts in tho desert of
Sahara are expressing apprehensions
at the gradual diminution of tho fertile
oases. It is known that the large oases
were much larger in the time of the
ancient Romans, and that they are be
ing constantly reduced in size by tho
encroachments of the Band dunes. The
problem is bow to stop those.
According to Herr Levinstein, tho
action of the rarefied air on the auiinnl
orgnnism is to produce a very strong
futty degeneration of tho heart, the
liver and the muscles, while death sets
in through tho want of oxygen. The
experiments from which those facts
were ascertained were performed on a
rabbit at thirty or forty centimeters
pressure.
Diving operations at a great depth
have proved successful off Cape Fiu
nisterro, nil tho silver bars from tho
steamer Skyro, which sunk in thirty
fathoms in 1891, having been brought
to the surface. Tho working depth
for the divers was never less than 171
feet, aud was often more. Dynamite
was used to blow away the deck. Tho
value of the silver was 815,000.
The only Unitod States dry dock
now available for the largest battle
ships of the white squadron is that at
Pugot Sound, on the extreme north
western boundary, which iu tho largest
in tho Western Hemisphere. It is 1150
feet long, and over ninety-two foot
wide at the gnto, with a depth over
tho sill of thirty feet. Ships of twelve
thousand tons can be docked iu it.
The lightest substauoe known is said
to be the pith of tho sunflower, with a
specific gravity of 0.028, while elder
pith hitherto recognized as the
lightest substance has a specific
gravity of 0.00, reindeer's hair 0.1 and
cork 0.21. For saving appliances at
sea, cork, with a buoyancy of one to
L five, or roiudeer'a hair with ouo of ono
to ton, has beeu used, while the pith
of the sunflower has a buoyancy of ouo
to thirty-five.
One would hardly look for new forms
of animal life iu a vast, dark cavern
liko the Mammoth Cave of Kentucky.
Yet as a matter of fact, no less than
seven such forms inhabiting that par
ticular cave, and hitherto unknown to
science, have recently been described.
Tho fact thot thoso creatures aro very
minute does not detract from their
scientific interest, whilo, on tho other
hand, it must increase our adnurutiou
for tho skill aud industry of the natur
alists who do not allow even miero
Boopio life to escape their ken, although
hidden iu places where no ray of sun
light ever penetrates.
The Sqtinw and the Clitur.
A sleeping car passenger on a train
running into Portland, Oregon, strolled
into tho i!H)kiug car and took a seat
just ahead of a squaw. He was puff
ing vigorously at a cigar, and the In
dian woman got more of the smoke
thon she liked. She protested in
pantomime to tho conductor, who, be
ing something of a wag, indicated that
she should make use of an immense
umbrella she had by bringing it down
on the man's head. She naturally
presumed that tho conductor's author
ity was all-Biifllcient and forthwith
acted on his suggestion with native
vigor. The man's hat was knocked
down over his eyes and ull but ruined,
utid tho cigar wus kuocked spinning
galley west. When he got out of his
hat he turned with not inexplicable
ferocity upon his assailant, but the
squaw merely looked at him with ab
original immobility of countenance,
and wouldn't uuderstaud either Eng
lish or sign language, and while the
othor passengers were convulsed with
merriment he hud to retreat to another
car. Now York Sun.
l'l.lol Hulls of Wood.
A pati'oluiau arrested N. E. Thweut
ou Decatur street for being drunk uud
for disorderly conduct, aud when ho
caught hold of tho colored muu he
threw bis right hand behind him
aud attempted to draw a pistol. As
quick as lightning the officer reached
for his own pistol, uud when the col
ored muu suw that the oflicer meant
business ho threw his weapon to tho
ground. Thweut was placed uuder
arrest aud his pistol picked up from
where it had beou thrown. At tho
police barracks Thweut talked about
getting away, aud it took some trouble
to keep him quiet. He contended
that ho did not mean to shoot the
officer, but only meant to hide the
pistol iu hii trousers leg. When tho
pistol, which was u heuvy bulldog,
w is examined it was found to be
loaded with six cartridges, but instead
o? lead they contained wooden bul
I ;ts. Atlanta Constitution.
A Curious (iuriiii-nt.
A curious garment came into this
port recently oil one of tho truus-At-luutio
steamers. It wus a petticoat on
u very pretty young woman, and its
novelty consisted iu the fact of its
being made of some two dozen golf
stockings sewed together iu the shape
of a skirt. Keen Custom Iloiisu in
spectors, seeing the unusual bulk of u
lather slender young woman's outfit,
made the discovery.
lCiuperor of Clilnu's T-u.
All the tea druuk by tho Emperor
of China is grown iu a special garden,
kept exclusively for tho purpose.
REAPERS.
Tho renpers, they nro singing la
the field?
of golden grain;
"Love's late to the reaping Love's Intel
Is he gathering the wild llowi-rs that linger
in the land,
For the red lips of his sweetheart at tho
gate?
Coma to the reaping,
O Love so true;
The gold wheat's gleaming,
And tho gold's for you!
"The reapers, they are singing In tho rlpp'
oi the wheat;
Love's Into to the reaping Lovo's iatel
Does he linger when the Inst rose sends ft
message that is sweet
To the red lips of bis sweothe;irt nt the
gate?
Come to tho reaping,
O Love so true;
The gold wheat's glenmln',',
Aud the gold's for you!"
Atlanta Constitution,
HUMOR OF THE DAY.
When a bicycle enters tho door, love
has been kuown to lly out of the win
dow. All lovers aro alike, aud that is why
they correspond. New Orleans Pica
yune Another man has taken poison by
jumping into the Chicago river. Chi
cago lteoord.
Sho "Do you see any beauty in
thes big sleeves?" He "l'cs; you."
ltoxbtiry Gazette
Flat Ouo "When do you think
your boy will turn up?" Flat Two
"As soon as I find him." Truth.
She "Has your friend Woddmau
arrived at the ago of discretion yet?"
He "I'm afraid not; he's just mar
ried his third wifo."
Haybale "Marthy, I'm mnkiu' a
collection uv buttons." Mrs. Haybale
"Well, you kin do as you wish, but
I huiu't goin' to sew uo moro ou."
Texas Sittings.
First Klondike Miner "What are
you thinking of, Bill?" Second Klon
dike Miner "Why, I was thinking I
never knew what 'cold cash' meant
before" Judge.
Miss Browning "Why do you per
sist iu being so naughty?" Browning
Beuus "You don't want mo to die, do
you, auntie; you know 'tho good die
young?' " The Yellow Book.
llettben ltailfonee "How's yor new
hired muu; pnrty rapid?" Henry Hoe
corn "Rapid! That feller couldn't
get up by sunrise if we didn't keep the
clock over an hour slow. Tammany
Times.
"Snv, Jakoy, gimme a bite o' your
peach.'" "Naw, I won't." "Well,
gimme do stone" "Well, I'll give you
de stone. But it's mighty lucky for
you dnt do peach ain't a pear."
Cleveland Plain Dealer.
Western Cousin "I 'am "glad yon
ride a bicycle. Havo you ever done a
century?" Boston Girl "Oh, no.
Several times, however, I have ridden
what I suppose you would call a do
cade." Chicago Tribune.
"Bridget, how did it luippeu that
when wo came iu last night after tho
theatre there was a policeman in the
kitchen?" "Sure, mum, Oi don't
know; but Oi think tho theatre didti't
last as long us usual." Chicago
Times-Herald.
"Tho Colorado legislature bus passed
a law permitting women to joiu the
militia," remarked Mr. Snaggs, "I
didn't know that a legislative enact
ment was necessary before women
coiild fight," replied Mr. llenpcck.
Pittsburg News.
"A man," said the lecturer, "can
live without water for u week, without
sleep for ten days, aud without air for
five minutes." "Thero ain't no par
ticular limit to the time ho can live w ith
out work, is there?" auxiously asked
Mr. Dismal Dawson.
."Perkins, yonr wife seems very de
voted to her flowers?" "Devoted!
Well, sir; many an October night that
wouiuu has dragged the blankets off
my bed to keep thoso weazened little
geraniums from getting frost-bitten."
Detroit Free Press.
"What bus become of 'Wugtoi?
asked the returned native. "He was
one of the shining lights of society
wheti I was here." "He bus lost his
money," snid tho resident, "aud in
stead of being a shining light, he is
what might be culled flying light."
Cincinnati Enquirer.
"Abncr," said the good wife, "I
wish you would stoji ut I he store and
it me a rubber ring for the baby to
cut his teeth ou." "S'poseu you give
him that there gold brick in tho cup
board?" suid tho furmer with a grim
Hinilo. "It worked all right with me."
Indianapolis Journal.
English Tourist (in the fur North,
miles from anywhere) "Do you mean
to suy thut you and your family live
here ull the winter? Whyi what do
you do when auy of you are ill? You
can never get a doctor." Scotch
Shepherd "Nue, sir; we've just to
dee a natural death." Punch.
"Tell me, doctor," asked tho ambi
tious young disciple of Galen, eager
ly, "what was tho most dangerous
case you ever had?" "In confidence
now that I am about to retire from
practice," answered tho veteran physi
cian, fruu'ily, "I will confess that it
was my medicine case." Puck.
"One time," suid the truve'ed
boarder, "I got snowed in on the
Bocky Mountains, and tho only thing
sovou of us had for two days to sits
tuiu life wus u half-burrel of pickled
pigs feet." "you were, indeed," suid
the Cheerful Idiot, "reduced to ex
tromities." Indianapolis Journal.
Iu some purts of Devonshire the
people live to bo very old. An old
mau of ninety, living quite u distutice
n-om the iieurest town, requiring some
family groceries, sent his sou, a man
' seventy-odd years of uge. When
, le son fuiled to show upwiih the pro
visions iu time, his giuudfutlier, a ceil
tenuriuuof 10H, suid peevishly, "That's
whut comes from sending a kid."
Tit-Bits.
LOVE AND THE
4