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ORES
H
ICAN.
VOL. XXX. NO. 20. TIONESTA, PA., WEDNESDAY, SEPT. 1, 1897. $1.00 PEit ANNUM.
T" "v
KEPUBL
it
GltiRgow, Manchester and Birming
ham are still tho foreinfJst industrial
centers of Europe.
Out of the 400 young men graduated
from Harvard College thin year not a
single one intends to take up the study
, of theology.
Govornor Black, of Now York, said
in Syracuse at a recent meeting of the
representatives of institutions em
braced in tho University of the State
of New JTork that if educators should
enter politics there would be no harm
to them, but polities would be much
- more clean and purn
A genuine hearty laugh is an aid to
digestion, a stimulus to the circula
tion of the blood and a positive beauti
fier. Tho whole system is benefited
by a cheerful, merry laugh, and one's
friends are attracted by the bright,
wholesome nature that ripples out in
. sunny music liko a happy woodland
stream.
Rays tho Philadelphia Call: These
evidences of wealth, particularly the
irreBistiblo fascination of gold, have
'started a tido of emigration to Alaska
that will cover her barren wastes with
the evidences of civilization. Cities and
towns will spring up, liailronds and
other means of transportation must
follow, and Alaska will not be long in
seeking admission to tho Union,
The Florida Citizen says: A pretty
girt of sweet sixteen in Pennsylvania
. reached for a flower and a snake on
the bough bit her arm. She fainted
and a young man found her, threw
water in her face and was hysterically
told she had been bitteu by a rattle,
snake. He drew away the poison with
his lips, aud now there is the founda
tion for a thrilling romance. But
after they are married some crusty old
fellow will tell her that a rattlesnake
cannot climb a bush, and then Bbo
will know that tho blacksnake is harm
less. Will there be a divorce? But
John baa not told Bertha yet.
Statistics of tho I'oroign trade of
Germany have just been published
showing that its exports aud imports
have both increased year by year, tho
latter having more thau doubled iu a
decade, while tho former have gouo
ahead steadily, though in a less degree.
Caprivi'e commercial treaties with
Russia and Austria have worked well
and, notwithstanding much initial op
position, their good results are now
apparent to everybody, biuce they
went into effect three years ago the
imports havo increased 272,500,000
marks, and tho exports 702,300,000
marks. The Agrarians fought the
treaties at every step, but in tho faco
of their prosperous effects they are
now mate.
There are in this country, states tho
Newcastle (Eugland) Chronicle, 180,
000 families dependant on the bicycle
trade; aud the trade is sure to increase,
as people will eomo to look upon a
bicyolo as they now do suit of
olothes, not as if it were uu oboli.sk
designed to last forever. Whan this
time comes, says a writer in a contem
porary, a mau will buy a new bicyolo
every two or three years and bo hap
py. This year persons in tho British
Empire will spend about $117,000,000
on bicycles, and if the steel required
to make these hundreds of thousands
of wheels were converted into war ves
sels, the result would be a floet of
ships sulllcieut iu numbers aud power
to make any of the smaller Continen
tal Powers feel distinctly uncomfort
able. One cannot eat bicycles. But
bread is the staple food of many peo
ple, and this year we shall spend mora
money for bicycles than for bread, aud
nearly as much as we shall spend for
meat.
The failure of Decker, Howell & Co.,
prominent brokers of Wall street,
New York City, occasioned by the rise
in sugar, recalls the fact that this firm
failed in the "Buriug panic" of Novem
ber 11th, 18il0, with liabilities of $12,
000,000. The New York correspond
ent of tho Philadelphia Ledger fur
nishes the following interesting and
concise history of that event: "The
incident is notable in the history of
the street as one of the cases of phe
nomenally rapid recovery of fluanciul
staudiug and for oue of the biggest
fees ever paid to a lawyer. Decker,
Howell & Co. were Mr. Vi.lurd's
brokers. The pauio swamped them.
William Nelson Cromwell, their assig
nee, succeeded in straightening out
their affairs, paying their creditors in
full aud getting them iu condition for
a new start iu business iu sixty days.
The statutory foe received by the as
signee was $250,000, an J bo pleusud
were the creditors with his work thut
they afterwards presented to him a set
of silver plate, valued at $50,000, as a
testimonial. It roinuius to be Been
whether so happy a result all around
will follow tLe present complications-
THE DAYS OF LONG AGO.
In pensive mood I often sit through evening hours aglow
Anil think of all ttie hanpy day. that passod In years agoj
I love In fanny to renall those joyous droarasjof yoro.
To visit past remembered scenes and live them o'er and o'er.
My eyes are growing dimmer with the yearn that roll away,
My stop Is elow and feeble, and my locks, nlasl are gray;
Yet when In pons! venous I alt I fo;d again tho glow
Of youth that thrilled my happy heart In days of long ago.
In days of lonij ago, alasl how Joyous was my lot,
Thoen dear old scene, and happy dreams shall nevor be forgot;
The world was flllnd with musio and with blossoms ever fair,
And beamed a loving welnome ever courteous and rare.
A happy song of ehoor rang forth from every leafy tree,
Till every mountain, every doll, was echoing with glee;
One blest, sweet melody divine charmed all this earth below
And rose afar to skies above In days of long ago.
The days of long ago alas) how distant now they seem,
The past la but a memory, a doar, remembered dream;
The future brings us palsied age and many bitter tears.
All hopes and Joys have long since passed through dim, receding yoars.
And yet It does a mortal good to muse o'er youthful days,
To tread in fancy ones again life's unfor got ton ways;
And that la why I often sit through evening hours aglow
And dream agnlu of happy days the days of long agol
Sidney Warron Mase, la Little Itook Gasetto.
I THE HONORABLE ANNE. 1
By EDITH
.34 jfH GING'S we!
Jkr3TV l 1 come when I
came, a bride, to
the ranch was
not the warmest,
The dusky adobe
wall, throwing
him into pictur
esque relief, he
stood on the
ranch-house ver
anda, his face full of suppressed ex
citement. "You telle mo," he muttered, "who
boss, now Mr. Allaudale get mallied?"
"All same as before," was my ready
rejoinder.
Tho crafty features relaxed, and Ah
Ging disappeared kitchenward, his
pig-tail huving struck tho dominant
note in my first impressions of Va
quoro Water.
Cedrio smiled at me approvingly.
"Glad you were so diplomatic, else
he'd have left by the morning stage.
It's awfully unromautio, darling, bnt
the drive has made me beastly hun
gry. Let's see what the old chap has
for us."
We dined in a long, low room, hung
with spurs and sporting prints, sou
venirs of English days, tho happiest
couple in California.
In its lack of excitement, ranch life
proved disappointing. Lynchings
were unknown bandits and despera
does conspicuous by their absence.
Ho life flowed on, smoothly, monot
onously, till after the birth of Billi
kins. Ah Ging then announced his de
parture. "Botter girl cook," he de
clared. "No likee baby. Heap tlouble.
Alice time cly."
The next Celestial left after a hasty
glunce at the kitcheu wall. "Meflaid,"
he explaiued, pointing to a red hiero
glyphic unfortunately uuuoticed by
us. "Ah Ging he write, 'Debbil iu
this house.' "
"He meant the baby," suggested
Cedrio.
"He say debbil. Me go. No China
boy stay here. Heap scared of deb
bil." "Try a girl, "implored Cedrio. "It's
no joke driving ten miles a day to the
station."
We tried, in turn: Gretchen, who
loft withiu the week to "learn relig
ion;" Bridget, who declined working
under an Englishman; the widow,
whose tears, as she recounted her
woes, sizzled over the stove; Dicie,
who disliked low wages, though she
found no fault with me, and Hainan
tha, who objected to the lack of
"scenery." Useless to point out the
Brush Hills' mellow charm, distant
mountains, oak-dotted meadows, 8a
mantha remained obdurate. "It may
suit you, Mrs. Allandale," she con
tinued, pityiugly, "to see nothing but
land. I like it like it was in Tulare.
There you kiu aee houses thick as
peas in a pod an' people passin' all
day. That's the scenery for me, so I
guess I'll pack my freight."
Which she proceeded to do, aud
had barely driven out of sight when
young girl, tall, slim and neatly
dressed, stepped on the veranda.
"If you please, ma'am," she quiet
ly said, "I heard that you wanted a
girl; can I have the place?"
I heard her history, which was
simple. The previous year she had
come from Englaud to join her broth
er on a claim, had fallen ill, had gone
to the county hospital at La Uuerta,
had come thence to me. While hear
ing these details, Cedric returned.
But oue conclusion could be drawn
from his utter dejeotion. "No girl,"
was stamped on every feature. 8a
muutha had recommended me to
Odessa Green, who, less exaoting in
regard to scenery, was willing to leave
the family pig-pen for a mouth's
change, provided the washing was put
out, Mrs. Allandule helped with the
dishes, the afternoons were free, and
a horse every Sunday was at her dis
posal. I knew the type, ignorant,
slatternly, familiar. Contrasting with
it the new-comer, my resolution waa
taken. "No, Cedric, I have a servant
already."
"Where did she'eome from?"
"La Huerta, where she has been in
the hospital."
"Is she pretty?"
"That's an irrelevant question. Yes,
rather blue eyes aud short, curly,
yellow hair."
"You know nothiug about her."
"But I know that Billikius has the
whooping-cough. I must nurse him,
and you cau not cook. Help is ueeded,
aud behold Anne."
"Ho that's her name?"
"Yes, Anne James."
He still demurred.
"Pruiieuce is an admirable virtue.
mm
2
ALLANDALR,
Cedrio, but you carry it to an ex
treme."
Cedrio yielded, still holding to Lis
own opinion. "Keep herl Keep
herl" he "cried: "but remember, if
anything happens, be it on your head.
Biuce tne nays or Ah Oinsr. life had
not been worm living. Annie came,
and comfort followed after. Capable,
retiring, a vague sense of myBtery
pervading her, she proved in our
monotonous existence a source of in
exhaustible interest.
"I scent a romance?" Cedrio de
clared; "when Anne draws near, find
una out about her."
hue is so reticent a contrast to
Saniautha.
Teach her something. Learning
unlock a woinau s tongue.
il - . . . . . a .
rao Anne was instructed in more
housewifely mysteries, Bud grew more
communicative. But Cedrio received
all details of her past with scornful in
credulity. "Papa" was a barrister.
Anne herself had been born in the
sacred precincts of the Temple. Their
crest figured as a dove. "Fancy one's
parlor-maid having a crest," ho ejacu
lated. For a briefless barrister he had
done singularly well, marrying a niece
vt tne celebrated Countess of Mellicran
Many a torrid afternoon was whiled
away with descriptions of the Irish
castle where the wedding took place,
the beauty of the bride, the eccentric!
ties of the noble aunt. Cedrio scoffed,
still crying for more.
One languorous Heptember dnv! en
sconced in tne veranda s shadiest nook,
we gazed on the Brush Hills and
sighed vaiuly for a breeze. Cedric
broke the stillness. "What about
Anne? No news of late?"
one nas a sister who lives in
France aud is possessed of independ
ent means.
A look of reproach phot from his
dark-blue eyo. "You told me that last
week," he murmured.
"And did not tell you that she goes
by the name of the Lady Emily
lirown.
"Brown! Why, she married
Frenchinau."
"True."
"Why lady? What title has he?"
"None. I particularly asked Anne."
"Absurd! He could not be 'Brown'
or she 'lady,' unless, indeod, the title
is in her own right. In that case your
pearl ol a handmaiden is an 'honor
able!' The Honorable Anne brings
out the tray, he added, as she ap
proached our corner. "No, it's all
false, you may depend upon it. Ask
MePherson what he thiuks; heisoom-
mg up the drive.
Fergus MePherson caution person
ified opined that Annie had lied. He
put it plainly: "Deceitful in spoech
deceitful in deed. Better watch her,
Mrs. Allendale.
My suspicious were not excited. In
California nothing is impossible. Had
not a scion of a lordly house died on a
neighboring ranch a lonely, neglect
ed sheep herder? ' No. It was the
uneasy air and restless look inoreas
ing duy by day. I heartily wished for
some pretext whereby Cedrio, uis
patched into La Huerta, might inquire
into the antecedents of the Honorable
Anne. Chance favored me.
"MePherson has been telling me,'
began my spouse, a few days luter,
"about some bloodhounds iutown that
belong to the sheriff. They are Al at
tracking criminals borrow them all
over the Htate. Beastly shame it's
such journey it would be rather
tolly to see them.
"Why not go? A ohange would do
you good.
"Go! And who would milk the
cow?"
"I, myself."
"You? Nonsense!"
"Who is the sheriff?" I idly asked,
meditating my next move the while,
"Waite Hiram Waite."
"Our Honorable," who had entered
bearing that rauch stand-by, a smok
ing bowl of "mush," started, growiug
visibly pale fresh food for uneasiness,
Clearly, to learn the art of milking was
imperative. The womau won, as
usual, and Cedric, before the week was
over, started for La Huerta, with strict
injunctions to interview both hospital
superintendent and sheriff.
In charge of the ranch were myself,
Billikins, aud the Honorable Anno.
Uneventfully passed the first few days
but on Monduy, from the veranda,
espied a band of men, who, leaving the
county road, came slowly up the
drive.
Aune, perceiving them, grow white
to the lips, aud, bearing Bilhkms, pre
oipitately ned.
"Good evening," the leader began
as he lifted bis sombrero. "We re
kinder rough sight for a lady. You
see, we're a posse over from Tulare,
trying to find a man named Hmith.
His tracks, they seemed to p int this
way. Ain't seen any stranger round
here lately?"
"No, indeed."
"No wood-chopper nor nothing?"
"No, none. What has this man
done? What does he look like?"
"Keal nice and vonng and kind.
Not more'n a boy. Murderod a man
over there. Here's his description,"
and he handed me a coarsely priuted
Howard. " Well, boys, got a move
on. We re on our way to La Huerta,
he added, "to borrow Waite's dogs.
Well, good day, ma'am. Botter not
harbor any strangers."
A moment more and, loft alone, I
thought over tho situation. Cedrio
gone, no neighbor near, and a mur
derer at large whose steps "p'mtod
this way." Suddenly it was borno in
upon me that Anne was the fugitive.
A farm believer in womau s intui
Hons, yet hoping desperately that
mine was at fault, I unfolded the
paper the sheriff gave me. It tallied
well. Moroseness, agitation, all were
explained.
Did Anne guess that her identity
was known, my life, I feared, would
pay the peualty. To ignore the Bitua
tion, live through the night if possible,
and trust to someone turning up in the
morning was all that could be done.
Milking-time brought fresh terrors,
How guard one's self, with both hands
engaged letting down floods of warm,
innocent milk? Dinner was eaten
hurriedly, with the same feeling of
uneasiness. Billikins tucked in his
crib, Anne retired early, and, every
sense on the alert, I was left alone to
watch the nursery door.
It fascinated me. Who would open
it? Anne, to hide among the canons
till the pos3e had returned to its Tulare
home? Or Henry Smith, to make an
end of me aud flee? Truly, the ranch
monotony was broken at last. Sol
emnly the clock ticked, slowly the
hands wont round, au hour passed. A
movement in the adjoining room, and
literally my blood ran cold. That had
hitherto seemed a mere figure of
speech. Tha sound ceased, aud still I
watched the nursery door. At last,
when my brain would have turned
with more, I heard a sound whioh,
faint at first, grew louder and louder.
"Oh, heaven, I oned, "the blood
hounds!" and fell senseless to the
ground.
Slowly returned to consciousness,
my gaze fell on Cedric, the La Huerta
sheriff, and Auue Anne anxiously ap
plying restoratives! .
"Take him nwny," I gaspod; ho will
murder us."
"You are roving!" cried Codrio;
"that is Anne."
"No; Hmith, the murderer. The
blood-hounds tracked him to the very
door."
Hero Hiram Waite thought fit to
interpose.
"Guess I can straighten out this
kink, Mrs. Allandale. You did hear
the hounds, they're up at the barn
now. Your husband, ho heard at La
Huerta we was boat in' up this part of
the country, so he lit out for home,
thinkin' you'd be scared. We caught
our man hidin' by the 'Dobe Hill, and
tho Tulare boys took him back to
town. Your husband and me was
tired, so we made tracks for here.
Sorry 'bout tho dogs. Might ha'
known they'd scare you."
The Honorable Anuo next day gave
warning. "If you please, ma'am, you
and Mr. Allandale have been very
kind, and I love Mr. Billikins like my
own, but I oan't stay where I've been
so misjudged."
"More candor on yourfpart would
have prevented your being mis
judged." She blushed. "1 often wanted to
tell you, ma'am what I first said
wasn't true. I came from Englaud
when I was a baby. I haven't any
brother, and, I never went to La
Huerta."
"Ah!"
"The kinder you was, ma'am, the
meaner I felt; aud I was afraid Mr.
Allaudale would go to the hospital;
and, worst of all, my heart stood still
when he spoke of Mr. Waite. For he
and my stepfather are cousins, aud I
was afraid he would guess who I
was.".
"Your stepfather?"
''Yes, ma'am, mother married Jim
Waite the second time, aud it was
him that came with the posse and
frightened mo. lie was such a bad.
oruol mau that I couldn't stand it, so I
ran away."
"How did you happen to reach
Vaquero Water?"
"With some friends in one of those
big wagons they cull 'prairie schoon
ers.' Tulare folks go to the coast
every year; but they don't dare go
there straight, it's too much chauge.
They always stop at the Iron Spring to
cool off first."
To cool off at ninety in the shade!
"Soon as we came to the spring, I
heard about you, aud thought I'd try
for the place."
"But how much better to have told
me the truth."
"I knew Mr. Allandale was English,
ma'am, aud they are that particular I
was afraid he'd send me home."
Surely the story of Lady Emily
Brown was unnecessary. '
Anne s eyes nasued. It s every
word true, ma am. Mot that 1 ever
saw her; she was by father's first mar
riage; but it's true. Why, they lived
iu a beautiful house iu St. John's
Wood, and tho night before they went
to Paris the Prince of Wales dined
with them."
"And do you believe it, my dear?"
asked Cedrio on heariug the last ver
sion.
"She believes in the family tradi
Hons. But she will caro less about
such nouseusewheu she is Mrs. Hiram
Waite."
"Why, she met the man only last
night."
"Something will come of it, trust a
woman's intuition."
"Thanks, no!" he retorted, with a
cheerful grin. "No telling into what
mare's nest I might be led. Never
mind, darling, you did your best. We
can't all ba bora detectives."
Cedrio to tho contrary, my prophecy
camo to pnss, and our Honorable Anne
was transformed into Mrs. Hiram
Waite. At last accounts she was well
ond hoppy, supplying the boarders at
Wait's Hotel with meals at "four-bits
a bead." Whilo we on the ranch are
still wondering whether the Countess
of Melligan and the Lady Emily Brown
are myt'is. The Argonaut.
SCIENTIFIC AND INDUSTRIAL,
Jamaica is pointed out as the land of
ferns, its species numbering between
400 and 000.
It has been estimated that an oak of
average size, during tho five months it
is in leaf every year, sucks from the
earth about 123 tons of water.
The iridescence of the soap bubble
arises from the fact that the bubble,
being thin, reflects light from both tho
outer and inner surfaces of the film.
An important discovery by M. Pfiater,
an Austrian engineer, is that sea-water
may bo freed from salt aud rendered
potable by forcing through a tree
trunk. Piclet's discovery that liquors may
be artificially aged by cold is about to
be applied commerciolly iu a proposed
frigoriflo laboratory in Paris. The
liquor is gradually cooled iu 200 de
grees O below zero, then gradually
brought again to the ordinary tempera
ture. St. Etienno, noar Lyons, France,
has apparently solved tho problem of
distributing electrical energy cheaply
in private houses over a wide district.
Two dollars a month ia the chnrcre for
sufficient power to drive a loom, the
service extending ai far as thirty milea
from the central station.
lies ults of a German inquiry prove
that overhead wires tend to reduce tho
violence of thuuderatorms and lessen
the dauger from lightniug. Cases of
damage from lightniug were about fivo
times as numerous in places without
telephone systems as iu thoso having
thorn.
Since Homer's time vast falls of or
ganic particles, as well as of; meteorio
dust, have been known at various times
and ploces. Dr. T. S. Blair, of Har-
risburg, Penn., argues that the organic
matter may havo largely como from
space and that showers of still-living
germs may explaiu the sudden appear
ance and rapid spread of many historic
epidemics.
J. L. Hebrahn, tho German archaeo
logist, has just oompleted an explora
tion tour through the State of Chiapas,
Mexico, where he reports having found
another ancient buried city iu the
depths of a tropical forest, about sixty
miles west of the Guatemalan border.
He brought away with him a number
of relics of the place, aud says that he
will go to the United States and thenco
to Germany, where he will organize
nn expedition for further researches in
Chiapas.
The duck mole of Australia, whioh
Sidney Smith declared made Sir
Joseph Bauks miserable from his utter
inability to deoido whether it was a
bird or beast, is a mammal with webbed
feet aud a duck's bill, aud is remarka
ble for laying eggs liko a bird or rep
tile. It was long thought harmless
and without defense. Dr. A. Stuart
has lately found, however, that a pow
erful spur of the male's bind leg, ap
parently oonuected with a gland, may
inflict a hornet-like sting, which is
sometimes fatal to dogs.
Artists til lnnger.
Artists are proverbially lacking in
what people of coarser clay call horse
sense. Seldom does it occur to these
highly gifted persons to guard the
scaffold uu which they stand with a
hand rail. Many times have artists
fallen in consequence, and frequently
they have lost their lives iu this uiuu
ner. Lord Leightou, who died a yuar
or so ago, it has bleu stated recently,
was saved from such a fute only by the
vigilance of his assistant. He almost
stepped backward off the trestle work
in front of one of his frescoes at South
Kensington Museum.
Murillo was less fortunate, for he
died from the effeotuof his full. Among
other paintors who came to uu untime
ly end iu this way wero Munoz, Perez,
Gabbiuua, Gambara, Coxcio, J'o.zone,
Cavedone andStothurd. Michael Au
gelo escaped with a broken leg, and
Froderigo Zucohero ufler a frightful
fall recovered in surprisingly short
time. New York Press.
Theatre i'trrs.
Since 17t7 there have been 1100
theatre fires v. ith 10,000 fatalities, un
cording to Mr. Hach's "Fires und
Public Lutertuiumeuts, just pub
lished. Of these 4i2 took took plucj
iu the United States, lli'J iu (ireat
Britain aud 101 iu Germany, Frtuco
huving nearly the sunie number. Lou
don has had thirty-five fires aud Paris
twenty-eight. Out of 34:J theutres de
stroyed by lire, one-half were burned
withiu ten yeai'B ufier they were con
structed, forty of them within tho first
year.
I'pset. the Hull by Twisting His lull.
When tha Venezuelan cowboy wishes
to catena bull or cow for branding, oi
for any purpose, he rides alongside it
and, with horse uud bovine on the
dead-run, stoops from his Buddie,
gruHps the creature's tail, uud, with u
sharp, peculiar tw ist sends the animal
rolling on his buck. 1'ioni tho force
with which it falls, tho creature-'
horns utmost iuvuriaby pin its heud to
the ground, giving the vuquero time
to dismount uud sit on its lieu 1, hold
ing the uuiuiul helpless to rise, while
a eomuuuioii ties its leu.
THE MERRY SIDE OF LIFE.
STORIES THAT ARE TOLD BY THE
FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS.
Ancient Hntilimid Itlririnnco- Frnn
Krotl lleflned A llUtlnrlion At the
ling Show Mot a RcnslttTe riant
Arndemlo Leisure A Kernnd Kdltloll
Brio's n graduate of Vnssnr
And her knowl""! Is Immense,
And, though benutiful and stylish,
Who Is full of common gens';
Bhe can talk In French nnd Herman,
Hhe reads Homer In the (ireek.
And 'tis worth your while to listen
When It plensi's her to spenk.
Rhe can read the hieroglyphics
On the tombs along the Nile;
Bhe can hold discourse on phybics
In an Interesting style,
But, In spite of all her learning
HIk steps backward from the car,
nd she always stops and wishes
When she sees n shooting star.
Cleveland Leader
Frou Froti.
Jeems "The rustle of a skirt is the
most attractive sound to a man's ears."
Deems "Of course. There's al
ways a womau in it." Town Topics.
Defined.
"Papa, wdiat is deduction?"
"It's that form of mathematics, my
boy, which takes nothing from noth
ing and obtains a stupendous result."
Judge.
Acadenilo Leisure.
Cora "Collcgo men seem very much
inolined to take life easy."
Dora "Yes; oven when they grad
uate they do it by degrees." Brook
lyn Life.
Mot Sensitive Plant.
"What is a hardy rose bush?"
"It is one that doesn't miud your
wife pulling it up by the roots every
few days to see if it has begun to grow
yet." Tid-Bits.
Good Klddance.
Critic "Where did you get the idea
for that picture?"
Painter "Out of my head."
Critic "You must be glad that it is
out." Fliegendo Blretter.
At the Vofs Show.
Eover "My father took the first
prize at the exhibition!"
Towser "That's nothing. My
mother's remaius took a gold medal
at the health food fair." Life.
A Dlstlnrlion.
Miss Outertown "Isn't there a Mrs
Skinner in this village, who keeps
boarders?"
Hi Hubbel "She tukes boarders,
ma'am, but she don't keep "em."
Puck.
How to I'oinl.
She "How would you puuetuato
the followiug: 'Bank of Eugland
notes of various values wero blown
along the street by tho wind?' "
He "I think I would moke a dash
after tho notes." Household Words.
A lteasonabla Conclusion.
McLubberty "Begorra, Hogan
wanted to whup mo last uoight."
O'Hoggarty "How do yez know ho
wanted to?"
McLubberty "Avhehodu't wanted
to ho wudu't hov done it, wud he?"
Puck.
l'roudest Mun on the lllock.
"Why does Mr. Birmingham hold
his head bo high aud assiimo such a
haughty bearing?"
"His thermometer registered three
degrees higher yesterday thau any
others." Pittsburg Chronicle-Telegraph.
Delightful Dilemiliu.
"To save mo, I can't tell which
Tones girl I want to marry."
"What is the trouble?"
"One makes such delicious straw
berry shortcake, bnt the other one
looks so lovely ou her wheel." De
troit Free Press.
A Second Edition.
Ho had married a youug widow aud
was iu the first flush of his happi
ness. "Darling," ho murmured, "will you
ever forget your honeymoon?"
"Which?" she queried, ubsout
miudedly. Pick-Me-L"p.
A Modern Kcheheretude.
"Mrs. Meeker," observed u frieud
of tho fumily, "is a very superior
woman. She can converse intelligent
ly, I believe, on a thousand different
topics."
"Yes," sighed Mr. Meeker, "uud
she does." Chicago Tribune.
A lteclpe.
Dick "Oue is so apt to lose sight
of one's friends."
Hurry "That's not necessary.
Mine stick to mo with touching fidel
ity" . .
Dick "How do you uiuuago it?'
Harry- "Oh, I borrow mouey of
them." Pick-Mo-Up.
Ills Downfall.
Kiud Old Lady "Poor mau! You
look us if you hud semi better days."
Mr. Willie Deudtirod "I have,
muduui. Once I dwelt iu gruuito
hulls."
Kiud Old Lady "Aud why this Iosb
of such a home?"
Mr. Willie Deudtirod "My term
expired." St. Louis Globe-Democrat.
The Trials of iienlus.
Frieud "Why, whut are you iu
such a fuss ubout? Anything hap
pened?" Artist "Oh, botherution, yea!
Everything! I wus just getting some
of my luteat pictures reudy for fruuiiug,
uud thut confounded housekeeper of
mine bus so mixed them up I'll never
iu the wide world bo able to tell the
top from tho bottom uguiu." Truth.
Cocou, liko milk, is believed to have
every element uecvssury to sustuiutho
humuu system.
WATCHWORDS OF LIFE.
Hope,
Whllo there's a hand to strike;
Dare,
Whllo there's a voting heart brave
Toil,
Whilo there's a task nnwrought;
Trust.
While there's a Ood to save.
I.earn
That there's n work for each;
F.-cl
That there's a strength In Ood;
Know,
That there's a crown reserved.
Wnlt,
Though 'nenth the cloud and sod;
Love,
Where there's a foe that wrongs;
Help,
When there's a brother's need;
Watch,
When there's a tempter near;
Tray,
Both In thy word and deed.
HUMOR OF THE DAY.
"So your son has completed his
edycation?" "Great Scott! No! Why,
he's jast out of college!" Detroit
News.
"Has Bigmoney any poor rela
tives?" "He doesn't know. He isn't
dead yet." Cincinnati Commercial
Tribune. "Do you think capital punishment
a remedy for crime?" "Well, it
might be if persisted in for several
generations." Judge.
She "Talk about woman's idle cur
iosity! There's no such thing." He
"No. I should say it worked night
and day." Detroit Journal.
A proofreader has been discharged
because a cowslip Iy the river's brim
a simple cow's lip was to him, and
nothing more. Somerville Journal.
A cab-owner had the word "Exoel
sior" painted on tho door-panel of all
his vehicles. He explained that his
motto was "Hire." London Tit-Bits.
"My wife cleans house eight times a
year," snid tho applicant for divorce.
"Perreo granted," said the judge, in
a voice that thivered. Detroit Free
Press.
Tho Tretty Girl "Miss Smuther
was named after her Uncle George,
wasn't Fhe?" Tho Bright One "I
don't know. Hhe looks as if she was
named beforo him." Ciuciunati Com
mercial Tribune.
Wallace "There is nothing like
matrimony to make a man appreciate
tho value of monoy." Ferry "That's
so. A dollar a man gives to his wife
does look bigger to him than any other
dollar." Cincinnati Enquirer.
Typewriter "I am rapid enough,
and understand business forms all
right, but I must admit that I cannot
spell." Business Mau "You won't
do, then, even at tho prico. I can't
spell, either." Indianapolis Journal.
Mrs. Muiiykyds "There is one
good thing about our girls; they are
always self-possessed." Papa Many
kyds (grimly) "Yes; they are too
self-possessed. I wish they'd get
some ouo else to possess them."
Puck.
"How iu the world did you get old
Curmudgeon's consent to wed his
ilaughterV" "Finesse, me boy, finesse.
I told all around that he caught seven
teen four-pound bass ou that last fish
ing expedition of his." Detroit Free
Press.
"You blamed old plug," said
tho fanner to his balky horse, "you
actually ain't worth kill in un
less," he added, after second thought,
"unless I could inanago to get you
killed by tho railroad." Cincinnati
Enquirer.
Nurse "Please, mum, you must
send for the doctor quick for little
Johnnie." Mother "Oh, dearl What
is tho matter?" Nurse "I don't
know, mum; but he hasn't been up to
any mischief for two hours." Lou
don Tit-Bits.
Bobby had been studying his dear
old grandfather's wrinkled face for
along tiiua. "Well, Bob," said the
old gentleman, "do you like my face?"
"Yes, grandpa," said Bobbie, "it's an
uwfully uico face, but why don't you
havo it ironed?" Staudard.
Sprocket t "I was sorry not to
keep my appointment with you; but,
you see, my wheel broke down."
Hudson "Why didn't you come iu
on" the train?" Kproekett "Heav
ens! Aud ride with thoso miserable
non-hikers? Never!" Philadelphia
North Amoricuu.
M. D. (to anxious mother) "Your
son's case is very simple; we will take
out his spine, lay his luugs and heart
bare, inject his liver with an ueid, and
insert u (diver wiro at tho base of his
thorax. Wo will then sew him up
neatly, and you'll be surprised at the
change it'll make." Truth.
"Dear," Buid tho Senator's wife,
"the papers uro ueeusingyou of letting
tho stock market influence your vote."
"It is it lie," roared tho statesman, as
he pounded tho tublo with his fibt.
"All 1 have done iu that direction was
to allow my vote to inllueuee my deal
ings in tho stock inurket." Indian
upolis Journul.
Little Harry "You didn't preach
last Numbiy, did you?" The Minis
ter "No; 1 was ill uud omitted my
senium. " Little Harry "1 thought
they was something happened, for
when pa got home he said he wouldn't
iniud goiu' to church every Sunday if
they always had that kiud of service. "
Cleveland Leader.
They bud beeu discussing the ad
vancement if science. "I see it
is claimed that they cull get electricity
direct from coal now," biigcstcd the
lawyer. "That won't do us uuy good,"
returned the railroad muuuger. "If
we could get coal direct from electric
ity now we wouldn't have to worry
about this strike." Chicago F.veuiug
1'ost.
In a homo tor sandwich men in Lou
don there are said to be several uni
versity graduates uud nieilicul mcu,
uii.l u Scotchman who ruu through
ijoO.OiiO in three veuid-
r