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iOR
PUBLICAN
VOL. XXIX. NO. 15. TIONESTA, PA., WEDNESDAY, JULY 29, 189G. S1.00 PER ANNUM.
RF
' '" ' '""
"Gastrotiouiio nomads" in the Boa
ton same for a night lonch cart.
Socrctury Morton avers in his year
book that Americans aro bilious bo
cause they tlon't eat enough grcons.
"Tho figures appear to show that a
coronation may be muoh more deadly
and terrible than a tornado," observes
the Chicago Tribune.
We are told by tho Now York Sun
that the habit of kneeling whilo pop
ping tho question had its origin in the
natural and unavoidable weakness of
tho kneo joiuts of the man who did tho
busiucts.
The Chicago Dispatch says that kid
napping in fast becoming a steady busi
ness. Hardly a week passos but some
child disappears from the ken of its
rolativos, and a majority of those cases
do not find thoir wny into the papers,
nnJ creato no ripplo of exoltoment in
tho community.
Somobody is proposing to run dec
trio wires through the vineyards and
''ngo"lbo wino by electricity whilo
still in the grape. He claims that tho
now wine so treated cannot bo distin
guished from that which is twelve
years old. He drives a nail into the
trnuk of tho vino and connects his
wires to it.
Tho growth in San Francisco of
municipal expeuscs during tho past
ten years is stiirtling. In 1885-80 tho
city government cost 83,895,515.33,
but uow its demands reach the enor
mous mm of 80,500,000. In tho mean
ti mo tho population has bcon subject
to a very moderato increase, the most
sanguine boomers creds''v "
.with a go!:, oi inorotha'n 83,000 sinoe
180J.
A crnsado against "hokey pokey"
ico cream has been going on tn Lon
don for some yenrs past, shocking no
countsof the million of microbes found
in tho mixture being published from
time to time. A member of the Health
Board, however, analysed a strawberry
ico cream bought of ono of tho most
fashionable West End caterers recent
ly and found that it contained from
eight to tourteen millions bacteria to
the oubio centimeter, among them tho
bacillus coli, wnioh is a worse record
than that of tho Italian strcot vendors.
Tho citizens of Baltimore aro show
ing a great deal of publio spirit in tho
matter of the Job us Hopkins Uni
versity, whoso endowment has been
impaired by tho failure of tho Balti
more and Ohio Railroad, notes tho
San FrauoiBCo Chronicle. One of tho
chief sources of revenue of the uni
versity was from the bonds of that
corporation, which has dcfuultod on
its interest this year. The amount so
lost is to bo mudo good by a contribu
tion of tho Baltimore citizens referred
to, who aro awaro that tho fame of
Johns napkins rotlccts luBtcr ctu Bal
timore. Bomo revolutionary suggestions in
regard to domcstio servants are beiug
UU ousted iu Australia, It is proposed
to call them "household employes."
They will cat iu the dining-room, either
with tho family or by themselves.
They will not bo at tho beck aud call
of tho mistress. There will bo two
Bhifts of "employes," ono to work
from C a. m. to 2 p. m., and tho other
from 2 p. m. to 8 or 9 p. in., bo that
they! may liavo the afternoons and
eveuings off every alternate week. It
is believed that tho expenses of the
household would not bo inoreased by
a looting this stop, as domestic service
under this now conditiou of affairs
would bo rendered so attractivo
that servants would bo obtainable
at half the present wagos, and sweat
ing iu factories would bo largely di
minished by reducing tho numhor of
applicants.
In this country tho Government re
tains a staff of scientiuts to assist the
farmer in his calling. Part of this
start' devotes its time to tho study of
economic entomology to stadyingtho
ways and means wherewith to deal
with tho various insect pests which
annually destroy so much of the food
products, of the country. In England
the furmer is almost entirely left to
Lis own devices, or to the assistance
which muy be rendered by those who
take an interest in science for science's
Bake, In the list of these amateurs
there is none who has rendered more
assistance to tho farmer and horticul
turist than Miss Eleauor A. Ormerod,
a ludy who has earned a world-wide
reputation as ail entomologist, and
whoso reports on insect pests are
looked forward to iu this couutry by
all economio entomologists. Miss
Ormerod has recently signified her
intention of presenting Lor lino col
lection illustrative of agricultural eb
tomology to the University of EJiu-buigh.
COURAGE.
nast thou made shipwreck of tliy happiness'
Yet, It Ood please,
Tflou'lt find tlioo soma small havon nono the
loss,
In noaror sea?,
Whore thou mayost sloop (or uttor weari
ness, If not for ease,
The port thou dronm'dat of thou shalt nevor
reach,
Though gold Its gates,
And wldo and fair tho silver of lis bench t
For sorrow waits
To pilot all whose atms too far outrcacU
Toward darker straits.
Vet that no soul divine thou art nstrny,
On this clIIT'g orown
riant thou a victor flag cro brouks tho Jay
Across night's brown:
And nono shall guo.ss It doth but point the
way
Whoro a bark went down.
UracoD. Litchfield, In Hartford Courier.
nOW MY AUNT CAME OUT,
til nr-nnnnt cot-eland.
Y aunt Mohitobel
was an old maid
"annlural born
old maid" every
ono said J and
tho sharper
touguod addod i
"as sot on con
trary as she was
oldmaidy." Sho
Certainly was
"queer," the
oueornese being
shown chiefly in the fact that, at the
time I first visited her, sho had not
been out of tho house, not even into
the dooryard, for Iwouty years. She
lived alone in tho big konso at tho
end of tho villago street, her "hired
man" Jonah, who livod near by, do
ing all the outsido work, and she, the
insido.
Twenty years before, when she was
about thirtwimpios"i)f fall -A ?VPo
entmGliT, "as -sue called it, that if
ever sho went out something terrible
Would happen to her, How this pre
sontimout camo into her head I was
nevor just ablo to find out, nor in
just what form it came i but it cer
tainly camo, and that was about all
that any ono, herself included, I al
ways fanoied, ever knew of it. Bho
had had a long sickness in which sho
was ofton delirious, and it loft her
mind in that dazed condition which
takes impressions readily and holds
thorn firmly. When tho full rigor of
mind comes baok, these impressions
have bocome bo much a purtoftho
niiud that they cannot be cast aside
without effort. There had been no
ono to laugh Aunt Mehitablo out of
her "presentiment," sho herself
was not able io arguo it away J so she
yielded, and it became a firm purt of
her mental oxistenco.
I romomber just how she looked in
the last days of her old-maidhood.
Not that she was ever really anything
but an old maid. Sho never marriod,
but she becanio "just like other
folks," tho townspeople said, and
therein paid her the greatest compli
ment; for in that village "old maid"
was a term of opprobrium. Bho was
tall and pale aud thin ; her naturally
fair comploxion had beon whitened
by long exclusion from tho sun and
wiud. Bhe had boon pretty in her
youth, aud thero were (races of this
prottiness left, though her expression
had hardened with tho advanoing
years. Bho spoke slowly aud not very
often, and sue seldom smiled ; but
when Bho did smile, her face was
transfigured with tho awoetnoss of it.
She always wore gowns of the pattorn
that was in tho fashion when Bhe
secluded herself from the world. As
hoopskirts were then "in," she made
a quaint figure twenty years after
ward when they were very much out
"out."
Sho was "p'ison neat," as the ex
pression went in the villago, and her
houeo was, of course, "perfect wax
work." I, myself, huvo many a tiuio
seen her go around with dustpan and
brush after callers had left, sweopiug
np tho dirt, real or imaginary, that
they had tracked iu. Sho was a louely
woman ; she would not huvo a servant
nor pets dogs she did not like, and
oats would make tracks on her kitchen
floor. Tho neighbors stood a little iu
awo of her queerness and her neatness,
and seldom ventured to call. I was
sorry for her lonely life and tried to
persuade her to have a servant, or a
pot of some sort a cat, ut least; for
they are the most cleanly and noat of
all animals ; but no, she would not.
"Why, George," she said, "d'you
s'poso I'd have a cat 'round, litterin'
up things all the times an' spoilin' my
floor? An' then, they're al'ays bavin'
kittens an' sech things. I've got 'long
b' myself all theso years, an'. I guess
ken keep on don' bo. What on airtb
d'you want me to hot a cat for?"
"Why, becauso," I answered; "I
think you must be lonesome all the
winter whou I'm not around." I was
making her a visit that summer.
"Well," Bhe replied, "bo I be some
times ; but 1 don't wan't no cats
'round ; they ain' much comp'ny any
how. I shall miss you powerful bad
when you go; but a cat wouldn't nmko
up for you, now, would it?"
I confessed that I didn't just think
it would, but as long as she could not
have me, sho might take a oat for
half a loaf is butter thsu no broad. I
was determined to make Aunt Mehit
ablo keep a cut by some moans or oth
er, and, as luck would huve it, I was
very soon enabled to do so.
One Sunday evening not long after
our tulk I went to church. It wa' a
rainy night, and I hitched the horse
in the shed by the side of the church.
When I went to unhitch hiin aud get
into the buggy, I felt somothiug furry
aud warm on tho seat. By the dim
light of the church window I fouud
that the fufrjr object was g suiuU and
disreputable looking cat cttrldd Mp
fast asleep in the corner of the fljgt.
I got in and sat down beside it, and
we drove off. Suddenly it occurred td
me that this was tho cat I was looking
for, and I instantly resolved that
Aunt Mehitabel should kocp it, wheth
er or no. My only fear now was, lest
it shonld jump out of the buggy, so I
pnt the tube over it and tuoked it
Well in;
When we got borne t unharnessed
the horse and then went for my cat
It was all safe; but I fouod, on exam
ination, that one of its front logs ap
peared to be broken, which doubtless
accounted for its not jumping Out of
the buggy on tho way home. "1 m
glad Of it," I thought) "for now Aunt
Mehitabel, with her kind hoatt, can't
turn it away."
Still, I must cbnfess, it was With
fear and trembling that I approached
tho kitchen) particularly as my boots
were muddy? and my Clothes wet, and
even without the cut i should prob
ably get a senile sctildiug from Attut
However, I put on a brave front and,
after noisily vnpidg my fbet, walked
in. A tint Mehitabel was sitting by
the table looking as neat and prim as
over a mortal womau looked.
"Well, Aunty" I called Lor
"Aunty" when I felt conciliatory
''I've brought yort a cat j" and I hold
out the poor, bedraggled,, broken
legged animal.
"For the land's sake 1 Georgo Mars
den, what her you got, a cat?" in hor
rifled tones, and speaking faster than
usual. "You just put that dirty-look'
ing thing out o' my kitohen this min
ute. I won't hey it hero, not a min
nto.1'
"But, Aunty,' I said, ''it rains guns
outsido, and the poor cats got
broken locr and can't walk."
"Never you mind if Bho has," she
rejoined; "she ken get along now's
well s she a got along b fore, an
won't her her a minute. You jest
take hor np an' put her out this min
ute. I toll you."
"Now, Aunty, you won't bo cruel, I
know, I tell you it rami outside and
the poor cat can't walk," And I put
tdO beast down W tUS floor td show
her how lame it was. As it stood be
fore us in the middle of the floor it
was not a beautiful object ; it was very
lame aud it looked mcth-eaten.
"George Marsdon," my aunt almost
snapped; "you take that dirty cat off
my clean floor. I aiu t never bad a
cat on my floor before, and I guess 1
won t begin now."
"But yon will give her some milk,
won t you? I said.
"No, I won't," she answered. "I
can't have a cat drinkin' out o' my
dishes. I ain't been used td eatin'
after animals." But for all that, sho
did go and get some milk in a little
tin hand basin. The eat was evidently
very hungry and eagerly lapped the
milk.
Whilo it was drinking, I saw the
irritation begin to leave my aunt's
face, and I determined to make the
best of my opportunity. I finally
persuaded her to let tho cat stay over
night, at least ; and I promised to take
it away in the morning. We made a
bed in a corner behind the stove, and
put the cat in It for the night.
Iu the morning Aunt Mehitabel and
I examined the wretched beast. Its
leg was really broken but I set it and
bouud it up while my auut watched
mo. She was very proud of mo. I
was just beginning to study medioino
then, and this practical example of my
skill delighted hor. Later in the day
I offered to take the cat away, but my
aunt would not lot me Bhe would keep
it till it was a little stronger. The
nursing instinct, that sweet instinot
in all women, was aroused in Aunt
Mehitabel, and I knew the cat was safe
in its Quarters till it got well, at least.
Aud bo it proved, for my aunt tended
tho cat most faithfully for two weeks.
When it began to limp about tho
kitchen, I ollered to take it away ; but
she would not let me, acknowledging,
half shamefaoedly, that she had growu
fond of it aud wautod to keep it. I
saw it was safe to laugh at her, and
did so. She took it all good naturedly
and laughed while she gently stroked
the cat. '
I stayed with Aunt 'Mehitubol three
weeks aftor tho cat rcoovered, aud she
became fonder of it all the time.
Whon I left, she said, as she kissed
mo:
"Well, George, I guess 'twas Provi
denco or somethiu' that put that cat
in the buggy that night; for I'm
mighty fond of Georgy (she bad named
him after me) a' ready, an' I'm sure I
won't be near so lonesome after you're
gone."
Sho wrote me that all the people in
the village called on her after I left.
"It woe not to see me though, I
know," sho wroto, "but to see a cat
iu my kitohen, making tracks on my
floor." Aunt Mehitabel was shrewd,
and she knew just what the people
thought of her.
I had several letters during the win
ter, each one recounting some new
and wondertul trick of Uenrgy's. None
of them seemed to me at all remarka
ble; but my doar aunt never kuew
how wise cats were before, and
thought this very ordinary one a
marvel of beauty and intelligence
When summer came agaiu I went to
make my aunt another visit, hoping
this time to destroy her preseutiuieut
and get her out of the houso. After I
had been there a week and admired
(icorgy to Auut Mehitabel's full satis
faction though I confess, iu truth,
he was uu uncommonly homely gray
aud white cat I broaohed tho subject
of going out to her. But muoh as she
had softened in many respects, on her
"presentiment" she was Arm.
"Why, George," she Baid, "I can't
go out. I'm just as sure as I'm a-sit-tin'
in this chair this minute, if I was
to go out somethiu' dreadful would
happen to me. I've al'ays known it,
an' that's why I don't go out. I ain't
been out uow for twenty-one years
not seuco I was sick uu' I cau't go
now. iuu kcu 'pshaw at presonti
mcnt 'a much 'a you want to) but I
o neve in em, an 1 Know I en a uo
killed 'I Went out)" nud she looked
O frightened that I hadn't the heart
to say another word just thoni Dur
ing the next few weeks I touched on
tho subject several times, but always
with the some remit 1 and I began to
despair.
One afternoon when I oame back
from a drive, I fouud my aunt in the
kitchori, witll George in hor armr,
crooning over hint and oryiogi
"Why( hafe the matter, Aunt?1 1
eoidj "is George sick?"
"Nd, he ain't," she answered j "but
bo's most broke his leg in that pesky
ol' trap o' Jonah's. 1 heard him cry
in', an' I looked otit an' seen him np
by tho corner of the barn, caught in
that ol' trap that Jonah set thero for
sktiuks, ah' I oh, Goorgol"and she
ttirncd peffoctly hito and shivorod,
''I I've been out I I went after him I
Oh, George( help tnej I'm gdiu' to
die) I feel it do min' now, Ob,
George 1" and the poor Womad fell td
tho floor in a dead faint. It wai the
first time In her life sho had fainted,
and nd Wonder' she thought she was
dying; The Shook Was A terrible ode
to her. 1 Carried her td tho bed, add
after some time revived hct, She
smiled feeblv as she held niv hand.
and asked if she Were "dredfnl sick,"
and if she were dyingj I told her of
course not, that sho had only fainted.
"But I went out," sho said ) "I went
ottt 'a far 'a the bare, an' eomothin'
ought to happen, I ain't been out
side o' my own door before for twenty'
one year. I wonder what'll become
o' me?"
"Nothini?."I said i "vou're all riarht,
dome, have d drink of tea, and you'll
be as good ns new,"
"But, George," she said, "I can't
got np. I must bov had a strcko!"
aud she settled back on the bed with
a groan.
"Nonsense," I said, "you're all
right. Seel I'll holp yon." And I
helped her td hor feet, and led hor
baok td the kitchen. She got herself
some tea and eagerly drank it Then
she dropped into her chair, and, tak
ing George into her lap, she cried
tight out. '"You pretty little thing,"
she murmured, "yntr TCs most the
deith of mo j" and she rooked" buck-find
fdrth, sobbiugaud crying hysterically )
and then she begad td laugh a bard,
hysterical laugh. She finally quieted
down, and I persuaded her to go to
bed) and Bhe went to Bleep im
mediately. In the morning she got np as nsnal :
but hor face was paler than ever, and
she was very weak; I stayed With hot
all day. As she said nothing abdUt
the events of yesterday, I did not, I
thought it best to let her have her
own way for a time. But in the even
ing she said to ino :
"Am I all right, Georgo? I feel
sort o' shaky; YoU don't think I'm
goiu' to be sick, dd you?'1
"Oh no," I said) come, won't yod
go out with me?"
"No, I can't," she answered ; "1
can't tempt Providence again. I've
'scaped once, an' I ought to be mighty
thankful for that."
"But it was the first time you Went
out," I said, "that something Was go
ing to happen. Nothing did happen,
you seo. You're all right. Gome, go
out with mo."
"No, I don't b'lieve 1 ken," she
said t "'twas the first time, I know,
but no, I can't go ;" and nothing
more was said just thed;
But the next morning at breakfast
she turned to me and said I
"George, I've thought it all over
an' I am goin' out. It was the first
time somethiu' was going to happen,
an1 it didn't I an' I'm goin' out aguin.
Como, let's go up to the barn."
She Btartdd for the door. At the
threshold she stopped, "No, I can't
go," she said.
I said "Nonsense I" and took hor arm
and stepped ahead out of the door.
Uow her poor, thin arm trembled
in miue t I must say I trembled a
bit myself, for I realized what an aw
ful thing it was for her as I looked at
horjwhito sot "face. Aftor a minute she
shut her mouth firmly, made a bold
step forward, aud she was out. A deep
sigh escaped, aud bhe leaned heavily
on my arm, I thought she was going
to faint again ; but sho bracod herself,
and we walked on to the barn, where
wo sat down on uu old bench and
looked toward the house.
"Why, George," she Baid, "don't
our house look shabby ? I must have
it painted. Who'd think a p'ison neat
ol' maid' livod i Libido?" And she
laughed a soft little laugh, and thero
was silenoe again. Presently she said :
"Ain't the air fine.Ueorge? S'posin'
we go np t' theorohard." And we
went.
All the morning wo walked about
the place, visiting the hens, the pigs,
the potato patch aud all tho homely
every-day things about the farm.
Aunt Mehitabel took a childish pleas
ure iu everything. Jonah came alou?,
and seeing us, stopped in amazement.
"Bless me if that ain't Miss Mehitabel
ou'door I" he said. That was all he
said, but his face was a study.
The news soon spread through tho
villago, aud a regular reception Auut
Mehitabel and I had for the next few
days. The story was told over and
over again ; and many a pat did
George get, aud many nu honest,
homely word of good will was baid to
mo.
Aunt Mehitabel went to church
Sunduy, aud spent the week iu driving
about and inakiug calls. Sho had to
hire a maid to do her work; she
could not get the time to do it herself,
sue was so busy "gaddiug about," as
she stid. "But then," bhe added, us
a sort of apology for beiug such a
"gadder," "I've got to make up for
twenty-ouo years indoor, you know."
The lust night of my stay with her,
Auut Mehitubol gave a big sort of
tea, or lawn purty a thing quite uu
kuowu iu that little old lashioned
vi'lago. She wautod it "ou'door, like
shg'd roud they had 'uu bouivtiuies,"
She insisted on sending to the city for
Japanese lantoruH, aud good thing to
cat of all sorts, 1 beaming room ami
kitohen were cleared for danoing.
Musid came from tho city ; and, great
est wondet of all, Miss Mehitibol ap
peared iu a new silk drem made with
out a hoop. The whole village was
invited, and everybody came ; aud all
agreed that "Miss Mohitabol's coming-out
party" was the greatest event
the villago had ever known. New
York Independent.
Korvous Shock. "
"Now we often hoar of obscure nerv
ous derangements with no other clear
Causa fallowing railway accidents, and
of strange florvous symptoms compli
cating sutih obvious physical injuries
as may oconi, and many questions are
apt to be raised as to the possibility
of such phenomena being duo to any
known degree of concussion or injury
of the nervous centres, and not infre
quently much doubt is thrown on tho
btfna-ffdeg of plaintiffs in such oases.
While, however, quite admitting tho
froqnenoy with which fraud is at tho
bottom of claims against railroad com
panion, it does not do to forgot that
something olso beside mere physical
injnry may result from a railway acci
dent. If terror, a sudden and intense
horror, or, as some would say, "a
mere nervons shook," without any
fibysical injury at all, will produce
ong-lusting changes in tho mental
and nervous mechanism, it would be
strange indeed if such changes wore
not found in patients who, whatever
the nature or extont of their outer in
juries, have gone through tho terrible
sho;k of a serious railway accident,
From the moment of tho first danoinqf
on the rails, through the terrible time
when passengers nud portmanteaus
are being tossed helplessly about, up
to the moment whon, with a final
crunch, all becomes still, may not bo
a long time, but, short as it is, it is a
spell of the intensost agony and ter
ror which can be conceived, and it
would indeed be passing strango if it
did not writo deeply on many nervous
systems its note of horror. London
Hospital.
1 e- 1 "
A Stranfo light at Sea.
Noticing a few days agoa letter
written in California to tho New York
Sun entiliuuK Dul Between Sword
Fishes," if the etfiteJ P-Mbe Bcpubli
oott will give me space I will relate a
true story that came under my offil
observation a fight to a finish be
tween a whale, a sword fish and
thrasher. The sword fish and thrasher
were jointly in the fight.
It was in the year 1870. The good
old ship liiohartl M. Manios, Captain
John O. Beals, homeward bound from
the East Indies, was crossing the In
dian Ocoan, bowling along at some
eight knots, with a good southeast
trade Wind, deeply laden with Java
sugar, I chanced to go on deck just
as the sdn Was rising out of its watery
bod, while musing ou my day's run
and where she would be at 12 o'clock,
I heard a sort of groan on my weather
quarter, and casting my eye in that
dircotion I behold a mouster whalo
not a hundred yards away. It made
a breach almost Clear from tho water,
spouting blood aud water, and at the
same time a thrasher, a fish resembling
a large porpoise, luapod into tho air
aud came down with tremeuduus force
on the whale's back before the whale
wont under. This operation was per
formed three times.
When lost to view it was evidently
a battle between a swurd ii-h and
thrasher on oue side and a whale on
the other, The sword fish would evi
dently oome up under the whuie aud
stab him; the whalo would inako a
breach out of the water, the thrushor
would make a leap out at tho same
time and come down on the whale's
batik, and the lust seeu of them the
battle was uot favorablo td the whale.
The fight was not strictly according td
(jueensbury rules, aud no polioeman
there to stop tho fight. I presume
they fought to a finish. As the IWiu
ist has said, "They that go dowu to
the sea iu ships, aud do business iu
great waters, these seo the works of
the Lord and His wonders in the deep."
Springfield (Mass.) Bepublicau.
Bo Charitable With Your Wheels'.
Mrs. Fawcett has made a suggestion
which, if acted upon, should make tho
factory girls of Loudon bless the day
when cycling bocuuio a fashionable
craze. In her opinion cycling would
bo for the hard-working young feiuulo
toilers of the east cnil not only nu
amusemont, but uu invaluable mesus
of obtaining the fresh air and exerciso
of which they are continually iu such
ueed. The girls would like to cycle,
but machines ure expensive and be
yond their meius. Therefore Mrs.
Fuwcett, at a Mausiou House meeting,
urged that ladies, whou they purchased
new "mounts," should bestow their
old one upou girls' clubj or agencies
which exist for the beuelit of factory
girls. Loudon (jucen.
The Dedtuo of the "Hot."
Atnonj the many eliauges which
have taken place withiu the last ten
years iu tho muuners and customs of
the French, none is more strikiug
than the gradual jlccuy of the institu
tion known us the dot. From stutUtics
recently published, it appears that the
dowries now given by French parents
on the murriage of their children, are
becoming more slender. French par
ents are begiuuiug to adopt our sys
tem of giiu:i children away iu mar
riage freely, without higgling over
financial considerations. Westmin
ster Uuzetle.
Victoria's ralarv.
The Queen of England reeeivos from
tho civil list a year jf'J. 10,11 )0 as salary
aid there aro oxHb.-ivo provisicus
made for Louse room, provisions i.nd
fervauts. Besides thi, the Quocu has
a very largo piivatu iujeme.
THE MERRY SIDE OF LIFE.1
BTORIES THAT ARE TOLD BT TiIB
FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS.
Ohf Olit Ob!-8ho Had Unc Her
I'leaslng Way Answered Solic
itous Ills Turn Now, Ktc.
Oh, for n frost covered ambush!
Oh, for a corner on Ice!
Oh, for a shivering snowdrift,
Or any untorrld device!
Oh, for a boreal gustor!
Oh, for a cool, sliaily Sot!
Oh, for most anything frigid
The weather Is so blamed hot!
Judge.
RUB TIAD ONE.
She "This road is very eteep.
Can't I get a donkey to take me up?"
He "Loan on me, my darling!"
Tit-Bits.
AXSWIWRD.
Jndgo Quick "Why do
yon mako
suoli foolish answers
Wtt.nnua "YnnM ftnk ninli fool fines-
tions, sir." Truth.
HER PLEASING WAT.
"Nan, why do you invariably aik
tho sodawater clerk which flavor he
considers the best?"
"So I can irritate him by taking
some other kind?" Chicago Record.
HIS Tt-'Itli NOW.
Hoox "What, you buying a bi
cycle? I thought yon detested them."
Joax "So I do, but I've been run
over long enough. Now I'm going to
have my reveugo." Philadelphia Kec
otd. AT AN OFFICAIi BALL.
"Sir, allow mo to shake hands with
you, just by way of showing that I
know somebody here."
"With ploasuro, sir, as I am pre
cisely in the sumo boat as youreolf."
Le Gaulois.
EOLicnorjs.
Servant "Shuro, mum, Rover's
just afther bitin' tho leg off av the
butcher bye I"
Mistress "Dear, how dreadfully
annoying t I do hope he was a clean
boy, Mary I" Tit-Bits.
QUALIFIED.
Perry Patottio "If any feller was
to call me a liar Lwould go to work
auJ boat his head off, wouldn't you?"
Wrirrrerfl Wftt-son'JI might beat
his head off, but I wouldn't gdio vCTii
No, never. Cincinnati Enquirer.
rnECAmous possession.
Gawge "How much does your bi
cycle weigh?"
Cholly "Fifteen pounds, the agent
Baid; but so long as the last install
ment isn't paid it woighs about two
tons on my mind." Souiorville Jour
nal. a poon SHOT.
Judge "Are you crazy ? You tes
tified a moment ago that tho defend
ant was trying to kill him, aud now
you say the killing was accidental."
Witness "Wal, that's right. Whou
he hits anybody it's cr accident."
Truth.
SARCASTIC.
"I found a good bargain in men's
shoos to-day," Baid Jorkins, after he
had picked everything ou tho supper
table to pieces."
"You have had bettor luck than I
ever had," retorted his wife. Detroit
I ree Press.
IIBNnr tlEOlKlH SUSTAINED,
Miss Culture "What do you think
of Henry Goorau's single tax idea?"
Miss Gussiugton "Well, I see no
reason why ho should uot tax single
men, but I dou't think ho ought to
tax single women it isn't our fault."
New York Weekly.
A BIIRKWD HCHKMH.
Mr. Hilnud "I wonder why Mr.
nalkothas become so deeply interested
in palmistry. Miss Breozo?"
Miss Point Breozo "Don't you
really know, Mr. Uiland?"
"No, I don't."
"It gives him an excuse to hold
young ladies' hands." Pittsburg
Chronicle-Telegraph.
TUB UNDEltTAKEll's COMPLAINT.
"I seo that auothor undertaker has
opened an establishment near yours,
Mr. GravcB," said Spudkius.
"Yes," replied Mr. Graves dolefully.
"There isn't business enough for oue,
either, I made the mistake of open
ing in a most disgustingly healthy
part of the cit y, aud uow comos a rival.
Livo aud let live is my motto, but it
doesn't seem to be his."
A DAI) LOT.
Irishman (whoso mate has just falleu
overboard with the bucket while swab
biug tho docks) "Plaze, Captiu, do
ye rimimber that Scotehio ye tuk
aboard the same toime as ye did me?
I maue him wot had the lot o' Good
Character Papers, u' mo that niver
hud a blissid wan?"
Captain "Well."
Irishman "Well, hu's off wid ycr
puil." Punch.
IIEWA1IU OF MK1IIT.
Teacher "And how, James, vus
hosiery made iu former days?"
James "Dou't know."
Toucher "Next."
Tho Next "Kr -er -er "
Teacher "Next."
The Next "Duuuo."
Teacher "Master Flipp, do you
know?"
Master Fliip-"Nit." (ta sent to
the head. ) Judge.
Over 85,000,000 is spout yearly by
Londoners on funerals.
DAY-BnEAK,
Uow pnlo tho moonbeams, falling on tho
fountains!
How soft the murmurs from tho wood bo
yond! How vague the shadowy outlines of tho
mountains!
How faint tho lilies' perfume Irom tho
pond! r
Yet not so soft as sweet young eycV f;ilnt
luster;
And not so pale as fancy's pictures are;
Aud not so vague as wavering thoughts that
cluster
In maidens' hearts when lovo Is jot nfnr
The day Is born, and twilight's trembling
glimmer
Gives over whou the sun comes forth In
glory.
Young lovo Is born, :ind half-felt doubts
grow dimmer
When ho begins to lisp his wondrous
story.
I.ivid A Curtis, In Truth.
iiu.Hon or the day.
Ho "Miss Conyng t is rathor coy.
isn't she?" .She "Yes; decoy."
Puck.
The world is like a bike it will
throw down the peopk who don't keep
moving. Puck.
"Got your now tandem?" "Yes."
"Tried Jit yot?" "Shl-noj we'vo
quarreled." Chicago Kcoord.
Jones "Good morning, Benson.
How.do you tin 1. business?" Benson
"By judicious advertising." Harlem
Life.
Dinor "Here, waiter; this water
is dirty there's been milk in the
tumbler." Waiter "Why, boss, dut
is milk." Judge.
Tirod Tatters "Yes, sir, pard, it
pays ter bo honost." Weary Wrag
glos "I know now why ye'r so duru
poor." "Louisville Truth.
Bracer "Say, can you lend mo ten
till next week?" Facer "Like to
old boy ; but, fact is, I'm so short."
Braoer--"All right; so long!"
"I rln my faith to tho Mayflower,"
Cried tiio college matdun neat.
"And I, b'Rosh," said her father,
"Pin inluo to October wheat."
Washington Timor.
Father "Did you notice how the
lieutenant enjoyed our lunoh? He
took a little of everything." "Ye,
but nono of our daughters." Flio-'
gende Blaetter.
Wallace "Do you believe in signs?"
Ferry "Somo. When you sco a wo
man driving south aud looking east.
it-tS 3 "retty sure sign that nhe means
to turn to tho wost -attho first cor
ner." Cincinnati Euquir?iV
"I am very much nfraid that Jimmy
is in mischief," said Mrs. Snaggs to
her husband. "I can't hear liim,"
replied Mr. Suaggs. "That's why I
think ho must bo doing something ho
ought not." Pittsburg Chronicle.
"What do you think of the bicyclo
craze?" "Great thing I I never took so
much good exercise before in all my
life. "."Why I didn't know you were rid
ing." "Iain not, but 1 have to cross tho
street once iu o while." Chicago
Record.
Customer (howlingly) "This tooth
aohe stuff you gimme is the rankest
kind of a fraud. And you warranted
it to work liko a charm." Druggist
(blandly) "Well, did you ever know
a charm to work?" ludiauupolis
Journal.
"Sweet one, I love you," ho whis
pered to his partner at the masquerade.
"I should think you would," she re
plied, "seeing that I am your wife."
"Didn't I know it, darling? What
other woman do you think I would
say that to?" Boston Courier.
Wiggius "Those railway tracks at
tho Pittsburg crostiug will surely have
to be sunk below tho street level ligtoV"
away." Briggs "What makes you
think so?" Wiggins "Xhroo wheel
men havo protested against beiug de
layed by the safety gutes." Cleveluud
l'laiu Dealer.
Ho prhled himself ou spoaklng twelve
toutiueH:
Ho could truce to its root any word you
might uuniu;
Uut he road twice through u basebull re
port, And then couldu't tell what they did in
the game!
Chicago Hecord.
"I might ns well plead gnilty, your
Honor," owned up tho peuiteut pris
oner at the bar. "If it hud beeu lace
or diamonds you might huve called it
kleptomania aud let mo go, but I
dou't b'poso that would work iu this
case. I stole tho hog, your lluUiT,"
Bostou Traveler.
Ravages of a ituokwurni.
An ancient, parchment-bouud vol
ume ou tho shelves of the deuu of Co
lumbia College ia tho sarcophagus of a
withered specimen of thut rare aud in
teresting buirower, the bookworm.
The discovory was made last week,
whilo a student was turning over the
pages of a history of the Frisian, en
titled "Reruiu Friscurum Historia."
The book is an Elzevir, aud was pub
lished iu Holland in 1610.
From the appearauce of the volume
it has been many a day siuce tho book
worm, iu its predutory pursuit of
knowledge, begun to devour its cou
touts. The little fellow opened opera
tions ou tho iuaitlo of the baok cover.
Thence ho plowed a path through sev
eral of tho adjacent pages. lie died
iu tho haruess, aud bis mortal shell, a
mere thumb nail sketch, lies along the
groove iu which ho prosecuted his in
vestigations. Perhaps Ubbnis Emmeas,
tho author of the book, never hud uu
other bo devoted u reader. New York
Mail and Express.
A Koyul 1'luiiie.
Tho Prince of Wales, when ho at
tends u state function iu full dress,
weurs oue of tho most costly orua
lueuts known, to the liritish Court. It
is a plume of feathers pulled from tho
tails of tho feriwuh, tho rarest uud
mo it beautiful of iudiau birds.