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VOL. XXVIII. NO. 38. TIONESTA, PA., WEDNESDAY, JAN. 8, 189G. S1.00 PER ANNUM.
F
Japan cracked the Chinese nut, atvl
now Russia wants to sot the kernel.
"Go South, youug man,"
West, as reported ia the
Times-IIcrnld.
says the
Chicago
The Chicago Intor-Ooean in very
much concerned because Chioago is
eating 40,000 more sheep a mouth
than it nsed to.
There are some 15,000,000 pupils
enrolled in the pnblio and private
schools of the United States, mors than
twenty-two per cent, of the entire
population.
. . i
The costly experience of the people
of Iowa in doaling with speoulatire
building and loan associations prom
ises to bring about tho enactment of
adequate laws for the government of
all associations, remarks the New York
Tost.
Sudden death has carried off two
Ycry prominent figures in American
literature recently- -Professor Boye
sen and Eugene Field. They bad
neither of them reached the age of
fifty. Cut off in thoir prime, it is
. sadly possible, muses the Chioago
Times-Herald, that tboy loft their best
work undone.
A learned German asserts that the
aversion against horse meat as an arti
cle of diet is a senseless prejudioo
basod wholly on an interdict issued by
the churoh during the Dark Ages to
prevent the revival of heathen wor
ship, in which the sacrifice and subse
quent consumption of horses had
played a cherished role. Tho New
York World maintains that horse flesh
is clean, remarkably free from disease
and contains more albumen than beef
does. "Corned horse" smells and
tastes like goose meat. In many Euro
pean hospitals horse flesh soup is espe
cially proscribed for patients in need
of strengthening food.
Mr. Labouohere says in London
Truth: "Lord Salisbury is suffering
from a severe attack of ultimatum
upon the brain. Ilis condition is the
cause of grave anxiety to every foreign
Government. There are cow five
British ultimatums out, addressed re
spectively to Ashanti, Belgium, China,
Turkey and Venezuela. The irre
pressible anxiety displayed by foreign
Governireuts, especially by the impe
cunious Republics of Central and
fcuuth Amerioa, to have British ulti
matum presented to them is easily ex
plained. The present val ue of a British
ultimatum in tho autograph market is
2500."
Rhode Island will join Pennsylvania
in an effort to preserve the linos at the
famous oamp ground of the Revolu
tion, Valley Forge. Rhode Island has
appropriated 82000 and provided a
commission to erect a monument to
the memory of John Waterman, a
Rhode Islander, who died at Valley
Forge during the encampment, and
was buried within the lines. The
grave is looated on the Piersol farm,
now occupied by I. Heston Todd,
about 500 yards east of Fort Hunting
don and about 100 yards south of the
road leading from Valley Forge to
Port Kennedy. Governor Lippett,
who is (Chairman of the commission,
has written to Governor Hastings, of
Pennsylvania, saying that the Rhode
Island Commission will visit the place
oou and desires to oo-operate with
the Valley Forge Commission.
President Scbnrman, of Cornell
University, in presenting his annual
report to the trustees of that institu
tion, recommended a provision for the
superannuation and pension of pro
fessors in the university and the bet
ter regulation of salaries. Conoern
iog the questions of interoollegiate
football and college atbletioa in gen
eral the report says: "If the game
of football cannot be redeemed from
brutality and trickery, publio speo
taole, and commercial speculation, it
is certainly better that it should go
and never return to plague us. But
at present the faculty refuses to be
lieve that the flower of American
youth in different colleges and uni
versities cannot, under proper regula
tions, oome together like gentloiuen
and play football in a spirit of fair
and generous emulation. As intercol
legiate athletics are to be tolerated
only-when they do not interfere with
tho work of students or do not dis
tract institutions of learning from the
purpose of their existent e, so, further
more, they must not bo enoourageJ.
Tbey should bo forbidden unless play
era and managers recognize that fur
above records and viutoiies, higher
than aporta, higher even than physical
culture, are self respect ami courtesy
to otherr, gool manners and morale,
snd that generous manliness which is
the spirit of the avnateur aal the con
science of the sportsinau.
FOR HER SAKE,
AH day loop, with sigh or song
Toll I for her sake.
8h )b where the rose Ihrinp,
I where thund- " break;
From the recklom oity'a mart;
Hut a rainbow's round my trnnrtl
For I xlng: "The day will die
Toll will soon he past,
And the atnra lu Low's own sky
Lend mn homo at Inst!
Home, beneath the tranquil aklog,
Where h walta with wistful eyes.
"Homo! whore lovn Is kindest, boat,
Whom tho hearth is bright;
Home! sweetly on my breast
Fall her curia of light!
TIom! from all the world beguiled
By the kiss or a child!"
T. L. Stanton ia Chicago Timos-IIorald.
UNCLE COTTLE'S WOOING.
'M going to get mar
nod, Tim.
Uncle Cottle sat
very upright in his
chair, and spoke
with an air of invin
cible decision.
"What again?"
drawled bis nephew,
wearily.
"Again, air?
When was I married
before ?"
"But this isn't the
first timo you've boon going to do it,
unole ; that's what I moant," Tim explained.-
"Do I know the favored
lady?"
"It's Miss Sybil Holt, Tim," said
Uncle Cottle, confidentially. "The
most lovely the the oh-h I I met
her theothereveningatMr. Dynbam's
bilvcr wedding party, and she--er
quite seemed to take to me, I'm older
than she is," he sighed, pensively,
"but I look a good ten years younger
than I am ; den't you think so?"
Young Tim regarded him critically,
without hazarding an opinion, lie
was past middle age, and looked it;
a full-bodied little gentleman, with
short, dumpy legs and a bland, moon
like face, whose prevailing expression
was of imperturbable simplicity,
"Have you proposed?"
"Why, no j I've only scon her once.
Besides," Unole Cottle sighed agaia,
"I'm so shy.'you know, Tim so infer
nally shy ! The only time I ever man
aged to propose was when I wrote to
that widow you remember,you helped
me with the letter and she never ans
wered. You didn't sav," he added,
"whether you knew Miss Holt?"
"I don't remember over to have met
her.".
"Ah? If you had, you couldn't for
get her. She's an aunt you'll be proud
of, my boy."
"But she may not appreciate the
honor of obtaining me for a nephew."
"If she refuses me, Tim if I lose
her as I've lost all tho others," cried
Uncle Cottle, wildly, "1 shall think
there's a curse on me, and I'll give in
I'll never love again. I'll live and die
single I"
Young Tim hopefl he would. Uncle
Cottlo had been his guardian ever since
he was quite a boy, but since he oatne
of age, some six yoars ago, he had
rather reversed the position of affairs,
and looked upon Unole Cottle with the
joalous eye of a sole proprietor who
didn't want anybody to meddle with
his business.
"I'm bis only relative," he com
plained to his crony. Ted Merrows, as
they sat at breakfast noxt morning in
the chambers thoy tenanted in com
mon. "What's his is mine. He's said
so lots of times. If he gots married,
though, his wife will expect at least
half ; and if he has children there'll
be no meat left on the bone for me I"
'They were both reading for the bar,
but Ted Merrows put aside his paper
for the moment, and placed all his in
tellect at the service of his friend.
"What's the use looking block about
it? He's been going to marry often
enough before "
"But he's never seemed so deter
mined as he is now. He's dyeing his
hair and cultivating a figure."
"GoneTso far as that I" exolaimod
Ted. "Then I'm afraid nothing will
stop him."
"I shall try, anyhow," growled Tim.
"If I can hit on auy thing better, I
shall tull him I've found out she's en
gaged. I've stopped him twice like
that; he's so nervous and afraid of
seeming presumptuous. That widow
was the moat dangerous three months
ago. I really thought I'd lost him
that time. He was so bewitched, he
was going to call at her house, only I
persuaded him it wasn't etiquette, and
that he ought to write first and dis
close his sentiments, and ask permis
sion to call. I undertook to post the
letter ou my way home here to the
Temple, and I put it in the fire. When
he got no answer, he wished he hadn't
written felt he had boon impertinent
and she was oHeuded."
"Suppose bo meets her and men
tions it?"
"He daren't ; I know him too well.
He'd be bo ashamed and panio-strickon
he'd run away at the sight of her."
"Well, yon havo beon lucky so for.
but it can't go ou like this forever,"
observed Ted Merrows. "Take my
tip, and' mako hay while the sun
shines," '.
"How do you mean?" .
. .-VYou.are old enoughto marry, and,
as your uuoie s sole heir you a be a
valuable Jurtiole iu the matrimonial
market ; but if ho marries, you'll find
yourself on the self among the damaged
goods and remnants. Dispose of your
self while you are still hoir and the
fitting lord for an heiress. You can't
stop the old mau marrying, but you
can take care he doesu t spoil you by
marrying Oral.
"But I don't know anybody I" re
inouatrated Tim. "How am I to find
the heiress, get introduced and en
gaged, and marry her out of baud
in-"
"You might find one through the
matrimonial journals."
"Nonsense I Heiresses don t adver
tise."
"Don't they? All heireseos are
not in sooiety ; some of them want to
get there, and they advertise. They
wouldn't marry a gentleman with
nothing, perhaps, unless they hap
pened to be old and ugly, but they
would be glad to snap tip a man like
vou, moving in good sooiety, with a
liberal allowance from your unole and
hopeful prospects. -Then, if your
uncle deserts you afterward, her
money will keep the wolf from the
door and save you from working your
self to death. "
Young Tim bad a morbid horror of
poverty and overwork, and that story
haunted him all day. It shone through
his dismal forebodings like the moon
through a mist; it seemed almost too
Rood to be true. He dined alone that
evening at a restaurant in the Strand ;
and, passing a news agent's on his way
back into the Temple, he noticed
some matrimonial jonrnals in the win
dow, and went in and bought one. He
was somewhat relieved, on entering
bis chambers, to find that Ted Mer
rows was not yet at home. He opened
the journal, and studied tho orowdod
columns in private, and lighted at
length on a business like advertise
ment which impressed him favorably;
I AUD, young, dark and good looking,
with private Income., wishes to corre
spond with middle-aged gentleman of means
and position, with view to matrimony. Ref
erences exchanged.
Replies wero to be sent to a letter
of the alphabet at the office of the
paper.
Tim was not middle-aged, but be
oonsiddred that, if anything, that
should tell in his favor. He read and
reread the advertisement till from
fueling tempted to answer it just to
test the probability or Ted Merrows s
story, he bogan to succumb to fresh
fears for his future, and became
anxious to answer it for his own sake.
"There's no harm in writing," he
argued. "If I change my mind or it
doesn't seem good enough I can drop
it."
And while the Impulse was npon
bim he wrote. He wrote vaguely of
his income and said nothing of his
age, bat craved an interview, ll no
explained his precise position, he
feared she might fancy it was too in
secure to render bim eligible; but if
he could see her, he flattered himself
that the charm of his conversation ani
personal presenoe would dazzle her
and divert her attention from his less
pronounced monetary qualifications.
He signed his own name, "T. Cottle,"
beoause, if the negotiations oame to
anything, it might shake her confi
dence when he had to acknowledge
that be had approached her under a
false name ; at the same time, as she
hadjvithheld her surname and address,
he felt justified in requesting her to
direct her reply, in the first instaooe,
to the postoflloe in Bayswater Road,
to be left till called for.
"I can look in for it the next lime I
go to soe unole," he reflected. "If it
turns out a frost, I needn't tell Mer
rows anything; he'd only grin about
it. I'll get the letter off before ho gets
in."
And he ran out and poBtod, it at
cnoe.
He half regretted his impetuosity
when he contemplated what he had
done in the cold light of tho next
morning.
Nevertheless, a oouple of evenings
later he journeyed to Bayswater and
inquired at the Postoflloe for his let
tor, but it hadn't arrived. So he
walked on to see Uncle Cottle, but as
his uncle was not at home, he told
them to say that he had called, and
wouldn't wait.
His interest in his rash matrimonial
project had ooo led considerably ; but
going to see his unole on the following
Saturday afternoon, ho inquired
oasually at the Postoflloe again, and
was not altoget her displeased that
there was still no letter for him. He
decided that his epistle had not creat
ed a satisfactory impression, and that
he should hear no more of it.
Turning the oorner a little beyond
the Postoflice, he was surprised to run
into Unole Cottle, gorgeous in a new
white waistcoat and with a flower in
his buttonhole.
"Tim, my boy," he ejaculated,
"I've been expecting you daily. Sorry
I was out when you called last I was
out on particular business."
"Oh I"
Tim had dim premonitions of disas
ter; be iuly upbraided himself for
neglecting the affairs of Miss Holt.
"Yes."
Uncle Cottle winked his loft eye and
smaoked bis nephew on the shoulder
exuberantly.
"1 was arranging to get married."
"To Miss Holt?" faltered Tom.
"No," laughed Uncle Cottle.
"You'll never guess. It's the widow -
Mrs. Notley. You remember, we
wrote to her? She answered my letter
that evening, au hour before you
called."
"But you saiJ," he stammered,
"that if Misj Holt rejeoted you you'd
know there was a curse on you,
and--"
"I haven't aakod Miss Holt -be
sides, it's three months since I wrote
to the widow, so, in any case, she has
a sort of prior claim over the "
"The other curse," suggested Tim,
bitterly.
"Here's her letter," said Unole Cot
tle, disregarding his interpolation.
"Bead it for yourself."
He thrust the missive into Tim's
hands, and be read it dazedly, as they
walked on together.
"Deab Bib If you care to call on me I
shall be pleaded to see vol. 1 regret you
did not give me your addrata, as 1 ahouid
nave thought It Implied eituur a want oi
confidence In me or candor iu yourself, bad
It not been that we arealmoM neighbor, and
1 bad the pleasure of meHtlug you a lew
uioutUa fjco, and I know vou by reputation.
Pndr the circumstances you will appreciate
mv preferring to send this to your private
address, which I have taken from tho direa
tory. Yours, truly, Macd Netlev."
"That's all right, Tim, ain't it?"
chnckled Uncle Cottle.
Tim realized in a flash that this was
his "Maud," and it was his letter she
was answering, not his uncle's; but
he could not ee.i his way to saying so.
"What does she mean about your
address?" he said.
"Why, I was nervous when I wrote
that letter, and I must have forgotten
to put my address in ; that's why she
didn't auswer before; she couldn't.
And it's just occurred to her to look
iu the directory. See? I meant to
have asked her about it, but she was
so nice and amiable and smiling, and
I was so -so well, I hardly knjw how
I was but there didn't seem any need
to apologize, and, in fact, I never
thought about it till I was coming
away."
. "is she yoang?" asked Tim, for the
sake of saying something.
"I thought at first she was nearly
forty, but she's only twenty-nine -she
told me so herself. I showed her my
bank book and a list of my securities.
"'Ob, that's all right,' she says
laughing.
" 'Then when's it to be?" says I.
"And it's going to be next month."
"Next
"Month. I'm going around to the
vioar's now to put up the banns you
oome with me. And, I say I she's an
orphan, so wo want yon, my boy age
don't matter ; it's only a matter of
form to be a father at the wedding,
and give her away."
Tim was gloomy and reckless, and
said he would. Why shouldn't he?
He had given away bis prospeots; he
had given away bis uncle ; he might
just as well do the thing thoroughly
and give away the widow as well; then
ho would have nothing and nobody
left to keep but himself. Tit-Bits.
Capable ot Littinz 100 Tons.
League Island Navy Yard will soon
have hoisting shears capable of lifting
weight of 100 tons. Contractor
John Tizard is now at work with a
large force of men erecting these
shears, which will be the largest in
this oountry, with the single excep
tion of those at the shipyard of the
Maryland Steel Company, at Spar
row a Point, near italtitnore, Aid.,
which landed the great Krupp 120-ton
gun. lue enears at Lieague island are
intended to handle heavy guns and
machinery. The weight of theso
shears is 110 tons, and the two front
legs are 120 feet high, while the baok
log is 140 feet long. Byjmeansof an
immense screw, running horizontally
through the base of the back leg, the
tap of the shears can be moved back
ward and forward forty-five feet out
over the water, or twenty-five feet in
ward from the edge of the wharf.- The
sorew is sixty-eight feet long, eleven
inches iu diameter and weighs fourteen
tons. The shears stand on the Broad
street wharf, each ot the front logs
resting on an iron pedestal two feet by
three feet, upon massive conorete
foundations. A steel rope, 1 inches
in diamnter, 1S00 feet longand weigh
ing five tons, will be used for hoist
ing. There are two separate engine,
of fifty horse power eaoh. The shears
were constructed by the Tacony Iron
and Metal Company and the cost of
the whole apparatus, including the
machinery, will be between $38,000
and $40,000. Philadelphia Record.
Wedded Eighty Year.
Marriage does not seem to be a fail
ure in Blaok Falls, Wis., in one fam
ily at least. It has had a fair trial,
too, for Louis and Amelia Darwin
were married eighty years ago. And
now, although the husband fis 107
years old and the wife 101, they are
living happily together. Twelve
children have been born to them, five
of whom are living.
For thirty years Grandma Darwin
was 'totally blind. Strange and in
credible as it may seem, in her ninety
ninth year she recovered her second
sight, and was able to distinguish her
children. Yet during the peiiod of
her blindness she performed her
household duties without any assist
ance. The old gentleman has been a re
markable man. When he was 100
years old he oould danae a jig equal to
a dancing master, but the pust four
years be has gradually wasted away,
until to-day he is but a shadow of his
former self. The aged con pie are
descendants from a race which, for
many generations, was noted for re
markable longevity. New York Press.
Jioblo Walters.
Henry Fleiaohmao, proprietor of
the Vienna restaurant, oorner of Tenth
street and Broadway, New York City,
is quoted as saying that the kind of
waiters he wanted were prinoes, bar
ons and counts, "for thoy know how
people should be waited on." Prince
Rohan, ot Austrian-Hungary, who
threw money around in Chicago with a
prodigal hand a few years, was once in
tho Vienna cafe, ami it is said he
could fry eggs on both sides or wait on
a table with skill. The priuon was
quoted as often saying: "I can't be a
god, I dou't waut to be a ruler, and
that is the reason I remain a Rohan."
Prince Rohan finally gave up his
position as a waiter, returned home
and committed euioide. Chicago
Times-Herald.
iirai I of Bent' Soses.'
For many years the furrier have
noticed that all the skins ot polar
bears which they have received have
beeu mutilated by tho loss bf the bOie.
A Pariaian furrier hui discovered that
this is a result of a superstitious belief
among the K-ikimo that wherever a
polar bear is killed his nose must be
out off and thrown upon the ice or bad
luok will follow the hunter. -New
York Advertiser.
SCIENTIFIC AND INDUSTRIAL.
German papers assert that gas pipes
made of pnpor are a success.
It has been discovered that it is pos
sible to become intoxicated on gaso
line.
It is (aid that Tamango, the Italian
tenor, bsa a collection ot butterflies
valued at $20,000.
Several clay tablets, covered with
what are thought to be inscriptions,
were unearthed in a Michigan mounl
the other day. .
Utah beet sugar manufacturers are
going into cattle feeding on a large
scale. Their bagasse makes a capital
feed for cattle.
The recent earthquake has stirred
np all the gas wells in the natural gas
belt, and given them increased pressure
and a new lease of life.
The village of Artena, near Rome,
Italy, is said to be a "community of
criminals. Its inhabitants perpetrate
more crimes than any other known
people, except, possibly, the Eurde.
There are more than twenty species
of fur-bearing animals known to in
habit the Hudson Bay country, rang
ing in size all the way from the meadow
monse and Band rat to the caribou,
musK ox, bison and polar bear.
M. Pictet has discovered that four
parts of carbonio acid and six pirts ot
sulphurous acid combined to form a
gas that will kill any microbe in the
world, and penotrate into a book. It
is called Pitet's gas, and is the greatest
antiseptio known.
M. Lagneau has ascertained that the
military mortality per thousand is as
follows in France and the French col
onies: France 7, Algeria 11, Tunisia
12.20, Martinique 50, Cochin China
21, Tonkin 77, Madagascar 75, Sene
gal 74, Guiana 237.
Naturalist W. Victor Lehman, of
Tremont, Penn., ha3 just sent to the
Smithsonian Institution at Washing
ton tho first fossil insect ever found
in the Southern Pennsylvania coal
field. The specimen was found in the
coal mine and is a very rare one.
The St. Lawrence River is subject
to a mysterious tidal movement. It
falls regularly for seven conseoutivo
years, and then rises during a like
period. The total difference of level
is about five feet ThiB unexplained
movement is demonstrated by the
pilots and fishermen, who spend their
lives on the river.
A Curious Migration,
A writer in the New England Maga
zine presents the results of his per
sonal investigation of a curious migra
tion that has been going on for a few
years past from tho Northwestern
portion of the United States to Mani
toba, Assinibnia, Alberta aod other
portions of British Columbia lying
north of the Dakotas and Montana.
Acoording to S. A. Thompson, the
writer of the article, a steady stream
of emigration Irom the Northwestern
portions of the United States to the
wheat-growing regions of British Co
lumbia mentioned has been notioeable
for some time. In one place in Al
berta he found a settlement containing
a population of about ono thousand,
ot whom seven hundred were from the
United States. He discovered that
the Canadian Paoifio Railroad Com
pany was selling lnd in small tracts
to hundreds of American families, and
be found a record of no less than 513
homestead entries mado by settlers
from the United States, representing
1552 persons.
Mr. Thompson was curious to dis
cover the motives which led these
American farmers to loave their own
country. Many individual reasons
were given, but the maiu cause, as
Mr. Thompson says, is to be found in
the faot that the desirable publio lands
have been exhausted by entries or
gobbled up by the "great railroad mo
nopolists in the United States. In
British Columbia thero is almost an
inexhaustible supply of farming land
suitable for stock raising and grain
oulture, to be had on terms quite as
favorable as those extended to Ameri
can settlers in their own oountry.
Mr. Thompson suggests as a remedy
for this emigration the reclamation of
the vast arid region of the United
States by irrigation. This would open
up an immense region for settlement
and in a climate more moderate than
that of the Far North. San Francisco
Chroniole.
A Remark able Hallway.
One of tho moat poculiar railways
in Ameiica is the elevated railway
across the Iathmus of Panama. The
only steam used on tl Is remarkable
railway is supplied by the brawny
arms of half-nuked Indiaus, who,
turning a handle, work tho machine
like a rude velocipede. The car is
something after the shape of the
small baud-driven niacbiues used by
navvies on our railways, and holds
about three passengers, not including
the native propellers, who have to
walk while working. The position iu
which the passengers are placed, it
scaroely so comfortable as a seat in a
Pullman car, affords at least a capital
opportunity of studying the peculiari
ties of the beautiful tropical scenery
below, of hearing the morning call of
the whistling gracbhopper, the screech
ing of green paroquets, aud all the
minstrelsy of the woods, with, it may
be, the howl of an ocoaaioual baboon.
A. collision on this line, however, and
an abrupt descent into the mass of
foliage beneath, might lead to a closer
acquaintance thau desirable with
spiders, centipedes and snakes, which
abound in the vicinity of the railway.
Remedy lor "Uaue iu the Throat."
A raw egg, swallowed immediately,
will generally carry a fish bone down
th.at cannot be removed by the utmost
exertion, and has got out of reach of
reach of the saving finger. Courier-Journal.
THE MERUY SIDE OF LIFE.
6T0RIK3 THAT ARE TOLT BT THE
FUNNY MEN OF THE PRE33.
The Author and the Heiress A Seri
ous Ailment Too Industrious in
That lilne, K(c, Kto.
Ho could nnt gnt the rich m.in' pot,
He could not oven hope;
But then he struck a job wiiitt luc:;
Of writing adfl for soap.
Lone now she weeps bncnuw. for keep"
Ho's risen by fortune' fluke.
Bo rich nnd high bo' wedded by
The daughter of a Duk?.
TOO INDD8TBI0U3 IX THAT trsri.
Friend "Your son, 1 understand,
has literary aspirations. Does ho
write for money?"
Father ( feelingly ) "U nceasingly . "
THE CASE 13 ALTERED.
"3ee the girl with the pug nose 1'
"Hush ! She is worth fifteon mill
ion dollars in her own right."
"What a charming retrousee I" -
Life. A 8EIUOT78 AILMENT. ,
Cawker "I sat np with a sick friend
last night."
Cumso "What ailed him?"
Cawker "Ho lost ninety-three dol
lars." Life.
A PERFECT BIOHT TO.
Sandford "Soy, Wheeler's pretty
badly gone on MiBS Bloomer. . I just
saw him putting a ring on her finger."
Merton "What of it? A man has
a right to ring his bicycle belle, hasn't
he?"--Judge.
NOT NATURAL.
"I see that old Snaggs has had his
portrait painted."
"Yes, but it doesn't resemble him."
"Why not?"
"He tried to look pleasant," In
dianapolis Sentinel.
A MATTER OF ACCENT.
Sapsmith "The first thing tho
phrenologist said when he bogan to
examine my owaninm was: 'What a
head !' "
Grimshaw "Are yon sure ho did
not say : 'What, a head?' "Truth.
HIS STATUS.
Teller "In his speech last night,
Colonel Windbagger, the prominent
politician likened himself to one of
the armor-plates on the Ship ot State."
Grimnhaw "H'm I Ho would have
been nearer correct if he had called
himself a blow-hole in one of the
armor-plates. " Puok.
A PRACTICAL DOCTOR.
Wife "Well, dootor, how is it with
my husband ?"
Doctor- "Fair to middling, so to
speak ; he wants rest above all thingc
1 have written out a prescription for
an opiate."
Wife "And when must I give bim
the medioine?"
Doolor--"Him? The opiate is'for
yon, madam." Hamburger Nacht
richtcn. HER VOLUNTARY ACT.
"You sign this deod of your own
free will, do you, madam?" asked the
notary publio.
"What do you mean by that?" de
manded the large, florid-fanud wo
man. "I mean there has been no compul
sion on the part of your husband, has
there?"
"Him I" she ejaculated, turning to
look at the meek little man sitting be
hind her. "I'd like to see him try to
compulse me I" Chioago Tribune.
JOHNNY WAN PROMPT.
"Johnny," sharply called out Dea
oon Ironside, "get np t It's 6 o'olock."
Johnny came tumbling down the
stairway in exactly three minutos,
fully dressed.
"You're improving," said tho Dea
oon grimly- "This is the first Sunday
morning I ever knew you to come
down in less than an hour. I won't
have to stand over yot with a
club this time to got you ready for
church." .
"For churoh?" cchood Johnny. "I
guess not. What are yon talkin'
about, father? Hunkins Brothers'
circus is goiu' to pass our house in
about half an hour on their way out
toJimtown. I was awfully afruid I'd
miss seeiu' it. This ain't Sunday. It's
Saturday."
"Er I guess you're right, Johnny,"
feebly responded the good deacon,
rubbing his chiu. Chicago Tribune.
A BABY'S rECl'LIAR NAME.
Tho happy parents of a new baby
who livel iu Southern Indiana took
their infant to church to be baptised.
The baby wo Deiug raised "by
hand," and where it went its bottle
went also. After the arrival of the
christening party at church au acci
dent happened. The nozzle- of tho
milk bottle came oil and the baby's
nice new dress was soakod all down its
long front. This uuuoyed tho parents,
but nothing oould be done, as the
time for the ordiuauoe had arrived.
When the parents stood before the
clergyman, the baby in its mother's
arms, he looked at the damp dreas
with a good deal of misppreheusiou,
and to satiafy his cariosity tho mother
whispered :
"Nozzle came of!."
The minister did not seem to under
stand and turned ioquiriuijly to tho
father, who said, a little more loudly :
"Nozzle came off."
The good man understood this time,
or at least he thought be did. He
took the baby in his arms, sprinkled
its forehead with the baptismal water
and solemnly said, before anybody
could correct him:
'Nezzlecatneoff Snyder, 1 baptiao
thee," etc, etc. -Judge,
UNDOWERED.
Thou hast not gold? Why this is col t
All olusterlng rouu I thy forehead whltCj
An 1 were It weights, nnd were it sold,
I could not ny Its worth lo-al ,'h!!
Thou hast not wit? Why, wlit Is this
Wherewith thou captures mfiny a wlghtj
Who doth forget a toniiu" Is hi.
As I well-nigh forgot to-night?
Norstation? Well, ah, well! I own
Thou hnst no place nssurod thee iiitot
So now I raise thoe to a throne;'
Begiuthy reign my queen to-night.
Boston Transcript.
lll'MOtt OF THE DAT.
Vliat is done cannot be undone es .
peciallv if it is a hard-boiled egg.-j .
Toxas Sittings. . u
Maude "Did you ever notice bow f
Algernon's face lights up whon ho
talks?" George "Well I you know .
he's lantern-jawed." Puck.
The Old Man "Where are all my
white shirts and collars nnd ties?"
The New Woman "Why, John, this
is the girls' afternoon to mako calls 1"
Hostess- "It's but a poor lunch I
can give von I But mv cook has got
influenza 1" Enfant Terrible "Ob,
mummy, yon always say that!"
Punch.
Landlord "I'll have to raiso your
ront." Tenant "For what?" Land'
lord "They've chauged the naruo of
this street, and it is now au avonuc."
Tit-Bits.
Old Bullion "What! You wiah to
marry my danghtor? Sho is a mero
sohoolgirl yet." Suitor "Yes. sir. In .
came early to avoid tho rush." NjS
York Weekly. , ' fy. '
I knew a very wiso .tam, who be- .
lievod that if a man wero permitted to
do all tho buying, ho need not cora '
who should do tho shopping for bis
family. Boston Transcript.
Caller "And tliia is the new baby?"
Fond Motbor-t-"ln't he splondid?"
Caller "Yes, indood." Fond Mother
"And so bright. See how intelli
gently he breathes I" Tit-Bita,
How often Dame Fortune looks on us aslant, ,
We think of this life but to rue it,
With Its women who want to be votors and
can't, ' "
And the swells who cm vote aud won't do
It. V
ilODU --wiffgios says ue pays u
thev were first married. a out
"He has to. Her wonoy was left bo
she oan only draw tho iuterost."
Town Topics.
Freshman (severely) "Waiter, how
did that hair got into the soup?"
Waiter "That must be from your
mustache" Freshman (fluttered)
"Ah yes, Charley, you ore right, i-x-
cuse me."---Fliegendo Blaetter.
. Judge "And now, my good man,
what made you kias this lady?" Cun
ning Culprit "Your Honor, my in
herited love of beauty.". Miss: Fasseo
"Judge er I do not think I'll
proseouto any further." Syracuse
Post. .
Miss Kostique "Do you know
whon I see you looking so happy it
reminds me of what a great poot ouco
said." Cholly Saphcad "Indeed I
Pway, what was it?' Miss K
"Where ignoranao is bliss." Phila
delphia Record.
The Son-in-lnw (gratofully) "I
don't know what I should have dono
if you hadn't given us all this furni
ture." The Fiithor-in-luw "That's
so, my boy ; without it my daughter
couldn't have given yon muoh of a
1 Van, Vk 1Tr..l,l
Mrs. Hammond "now do you liko
your new oook?" Mrs. Haahcroft--"She
ain't near as good as the other-
one. Sbe has too good a temper. I
nsed to make the other one mad every
morning, and sho would pound tho
steak to boat the baud." -Indianapolis
Journal.
Conl agio n Currlc l by Letter.
A physician in a country village hai
lately given to his medical brethren
soma additional instances of the ways
iu which contagions are spread, which
should make us all thoughtful. The
only casu of scarlet fever ever lost by
this doctor was one iu which the dis
ease was communicated by a letter
written by a mother (in whose family
there were two casts of the fever) to a
friend 100 miles away. The cnvelopo
ot the letter was given to a child as a
plaything. Another severe case of the
fover was contracted by a little girl
from two pluytuates who had what tho.
dootor callod "scarlet rush," and still
another was carried to a family by a
carpenter who lived eight miles away,
aud whoso little children wore ailing
with scarletina, a disease that the at
tending physiciau informed the futher '
was not nearly ns catching ns scarlet '
fever." Kansas City (XIo. ) Journal. .
Paper Uuderweur.
Tho rapierzeituug reports that
paper underwear, Buch as was worn
by the Japanese troops during thuit
wiuter campaign, gives ample protec
tion against cold, but ia ubsulutely
worthless duriug hot weuthor. Tho
samo toohnicul journal inserts, that
i r.,- i... t;-.,. ,...!
cites a case in which au attack of aeuto.
rheumatism waa cured by tiriuly glue
ing a piece of paper ou the utl'ectod
part and leaving it attached thero for
several da vs.
The Luster Slieep.'
An Australian breeder ot initiated tho
Luster sheep. One of his boat Merino
ewes dropped iu biiecesaiou several
lambs having wool extremely line iu
fiber, uncommonly lustrous, but de
void of crimp, from these ho es
tablished a flock an I line I the type of
sheep, so there now occurs im rever
sion. The wool is exceedingly valu
able, being purchased by l'roueh
manufacturers and worked up into tho
Pneat cloth. Farm, Field uud Fireside.