JC7
r
THE FOREST' REPUBLICAN
ft) sablM' trwxj WtiasMaj, kf
J. E. WENK.
ATI8 OF AOVCRTISIRQt
FOREST REPUBLICAN.
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On fVyoara, on laeb, n Inaarttaa. .1
On Hqaara, on Inch, on month....
On Rqnara, on inoh, tar months. ,
On8quar, on Inch, on year... ..
Two Bqnarn, on yaar
Quarter Oolamn, on
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Onrmptiln MlldM rS 1 Ml f th
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On Column, on jtmr .
lnl advt-ttatniini to en w Vm
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Mw-h iaaartioa.
Jkiarrinc. and dath nonees gratia.
All Dill, for yearly advertisement i
anrtrly. Temporary advertUnnMat I
VOL. XXVII, NO, 43, TIONESTA, PA WEDNESDAY, FEB. 13, 1895. 81.00 -PER ANNUM.
b paid in ad ratio.
Job work oaah oa del! vary.
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Berlin in said to bo the healthiest
city in the world.
It is said that no loss than 8000 Chi
ip.go perrons mysteriously disappear
very year.
Judge Henry, iu Kansas City, To
Tutly dcoided that A man Joust pay
Ws wife's debts, even if he it suing her
for divorce.
ItoofitSlOOO to take a carload of
iruit from Sacramento, Cat., to Lon
ion two years ago. The rate now has
I eon rednocd to 8700.
- riiij universal postal nnion was vir
tually oomplctad when it rccoived the
adhesion of Cape Colony, South Afrioa,
the only large civilized community
Jiot yot inoluded in it.
Including Btocks and bonds the rail
ways ot the United States are capital--ed
at $(50,000 per mile, while those
.f Great Britain are capitalised at
20,000 per mile, or nearly 400 per
nt. higher than in this country.
Dr. Conan Doyle picked up consid
t ierable " literary material" and
I ! J, 000 during bis trip in this coun
try. "No wondor he finds Amerioa
h groat field for the successful an
t'or," exclaims the Chicago Record.
The New Orleans Ficayuno ex
claims: "Ooneral Booth is begging
money in this oonntry for his Dark
est England" schoraes. America takes
care of enongh foregn paupers on hor
own soil without exporting money for
the pnrpose.
The South in 1894 raised about fifty
bushels of corn to every bale of cot
ton. The farmer who oomes out even
on his ootton at present prices is for
tunate. The farmer who has a sur
plus of corn is ahead. Tho salvation
of the South during 1891 was its
great corn and hog product. It is
useless, in the judgment of tho Atlan
ta Journal, to say more.
The fuct," declares tho New York
Tribune, "that the Southern farmers
art going ahead in a quiet, noobtru
ive way, saying nothing, but minding
their business in the most exemplary
manner. With a climate unapproaohed
anywhere else on this continent, a
eoil unsurpassed for its natural fertil
ity, a wealth of. fertilizers under the
surfaoe, and a dodged perseverance of
' whioli they have heretofore given am-
pie evidence, they are successfully
proving their fitness to survive in tho
t struggle for life, prosperity and hap-
pinoss."
Thero has been a singular dearth of
invention in naming the many small
lakes ot the West, laments the Chica
go Herald, and fine old Indian names
havo been deliberately discarded in
, order that persons tf unlovely sur
. names might bo honored geogrnphi
5 cally. The Indian names when trans
luted are often found to embody au
almost photographio picture of tho
lakes.upon whioh thoy were bestowed.
The French names that superseded
some of tho Indian names, and are
likely to be superseded in thoir turn
by modern oommonplaces, are often
pretty and historically suggestive.
According to Major II. IL C. Dun
woody, of the National Weather Ser
vice, the weather crop service ot the
National bureau ranks next in import
ance to the work of making forecast?.
The system of gathering reports upon
which the weather crop bulletins are
based has been greatly perfected iu
reoent years. The crop bulletins of
the States have been improved, and are
now more complete than at any prev
ious tiinoand the increased circnla-
lLu'ui these bulletins have attained
amply attests their value. It is be
lieved that there is no other class of
information to which so mnoh space is
devoted in the public press to-day. A
filo of these bulletins for all the States
for a year will form the most complete
Lystory of the weather conditions
attending the growth and develop
ment of the several crops throughout
tho country, More than ton thou
sand crop correspondents are to-day
co-operating with the National Weath
er Service through the State organi
zation ; three thousand voluntary ob
servers are furnishing monthly reports
of daily observations of temperature
and rainfall ; and over eleven thousand
persons assist in the work of distribut
ing the weather forecast of the Na
tional Weather Service. This latter
work has been more rapidly pu' id
durinj, tho past your than any
feature of Stute Weather Serv
3r ServuD
of thl
thesis
-ft
i
With the continuation
liberal policy toward
" Mir will be iu a comparatif
' "tiioe no important agiioultur.
w j ,,,,. ;i in the United States, with the
ef"'f V '
1ri v jj . jt --rpr mail facilities, that will not
THE DAY3 AND THE YEAR,
What Is the world, my own little one?
Onr world belongs to that olock the suit.
Bteadv Its spins while the clock beats true
Dnj-s anil snasods for me snl yon.
And tlok-tlok-tock ! goes the mighty clock
While time wlnim on below,
Now lort--how right t now dsy now OI;ht,
With a ttok-tick to and fro,
Tho pussy-willow In oont ot fur )
A tweet pink rote In the wind mllr )
A maple leaf with a ortmion blush, i
'rhen fulling inowflnki'9, nn 1 winter's bush
Wbllo tlok-tlok-took goes the mighty clock,
And the World swings on below,
tjuddlng blowing ( shining snowing
With a tiek-took to an! fro.
A little song when the heart Is glad,
A little sigh when tho wny Is ini ;
Whether the shailows or sunbanms fnll,
Bweet rest an I drenmlng at Inst for nil,
While tlck-tlok-toek goes tho mighty clock,
And tho world swings on below,
Binding sighing ; singing crying
With a ttck-tock to and fro.
Ho this Is the wny, my own lltt'.e one,
Our world belongs to that oloek the sun,
And the Band that Somewhere keeps the
key
Is the sum that holJeth you and me,
While tlok-llok-tock goes the mighty clock,
And the world swings on below,
How leM sow right t now day now night,
With a tiok-tosk to an I fro.
Harr et F. Bloitgett.tn St. Nicholas.
CASWELL'S EXPEDIENT,
BS EDSON KEMP.
NE evening a
group of del
egates to the
oftheVBrr.
e rh o o d of
Looomot ive
n gin eers
sat in the ro
tunda at the
runt r
House in
Chicago, tell
ing stories.
Among
them was a
grizzled, oldish man from the Old
Colony, who had a curious red scar
bending around from his forehead
across bis rigbt temple and down npon
bis right ohek, with almost M regu
lar a curve as if it had been marked
there with a rorapass. The redness of
its oolor indicated that the mark had
been inflicted not very loug ago.
Tho man who wore tho scar had
taken no par in tho conversation.
Presently ouo ei the Western delegates
said to mm :
"Come, Brother ITawkins, yon ought
to have a story to tell. How did you
get that scar, now?'
Tho Old Ccluny man colored a lit
tle and looked nueasv.
"Yon fellows can tell stories," he
BftiJ, "and I csn't. But I will say
this I was novel thankful for a bard
blow in the fu- but once, and that
was when I got this scar."
Then he subsided into silence, ap
parently . supposing that there was
nothing more to say. Of course the
cngidoere about lnm raised a loud de
mand for the rest of tho story, whioh
soeined to surprise the Old Colony
man. Under this pressure he went
on, a littlo awkwardly.
"I hain't had the tout moren'n
abont a year," he said. "I was run
ning the three-thiirty pnssenger out of
iioston on the (Jape God Division, as
I am now when I'm at homo. We had
passed Wareham one blustering,
blowing, rainy November afternoon ;
it was half-past fivo by that time, and
as the sky was thick with clouds, it
was just as dark as pitch.
"Between Wareham and Buzzard's
Bay there's a stretch of woodsy, scrub
by country where the track is pretty
tolerably crooked, crossing and dodg
ing the salt-water inlets. Yon can't
see far ahead of yon at auy time.
"But if I'm going to tell you this
story anywhere near right, I've got
to get you out of my cab and onto the
Flying Dude; and that's a great priv
ilege, I can tell you, for they say it
takes a patent of nobility to make you
eligible to rido ou that fast
express. It's a swell affair, that runs
down on the east eho e of Buzzard's
Bay.
"By the honr I mentioned the Dude
should have been afi Wood's Uoll,
her rnu made ; but sha had stopped at
Middleboro ou account of a hot box,
and was way behind time. She had
gone on, and was flying along through
the woods between Wareham and
Onset, not more than fifteen
minutes ahead of our time, when that
same box began to smoke again, hot
ter than fire.
"There was nothing for them to do
but haul up and coin her off. But
they kuew thut we wen coming right
behind. The Dude had just made c
curve where the trai k follows the
bend ot the bay, and it was a bad
pluoe. I shouldn't have seen the
Dude's rear lights aroiud that curve
uutil we were right on her. Of course
they sent a man back with a lantern
to signal us. The man they took
for the duty was a young brakeman,
not over nineteen, ti it't name ol
Jimmy Caswell. Jlti.dn't been
working for the road more than two
years, but he came of. a very good
family of folks down to Falmouth,
and was a mighty bright, gentlemanly
nor i oi a youngster jubi xne aiuu
that the swells who travel down to the
buy like to have on the Flying Dude.
"lie u ueeu put forward a good uea
for a fellow of nineteen, aud it was
vomewhat the result of favor, I dare
say, that he was on that train ; But
thoy all had a great deal of confidence
in him. 1 11 leave it to you to say
whether the conlldenoo was justified.
"Well, Jimmy set out iu the dark
aud rain and wind with his red lan
tern baok along the track. He had to
go juite a piece, tot lUere's a stcon.l
asm )
enrf e along back a little ways on that
crooked line there, and after that a
long, clear stretch, and ho Wanted to
get around the second curve and ward
us there.
"He was makinr pretty well along
toward the second curve, running his
head Against tho storm, and won jmt
where hd was orit of sight of both
traius thfl Dude standing still and
we s-Cciming-With Woods along the
inner side of the carve, sd that noth
ing whatever could be seen of him or
his lantern at that point from either
train. Then suddenly he heard my
train rolling up in tho distance.
"lie started to run: Jimmvi didi to
get itronnd the Aesond turil in season
to signal me there; It seems that he
knew ho had pleuty of tirao to make
tho bend, as he owued up afterward,
but no wanted to be mighty sure.
"Just ns be started up, what do yon
rnppose happened? A stronger gust
of wind than any of the rest come
whistling through the scrub, and that
and tho motion of Jimmy's start to
run blew out his lantern. Then mv
train coming along roared louder yet,
for the wind was coming to him from
my way.
"Jimmy wasn't at all scared. He
knew ho had time to strike a light.
He put his fingers in his upper vest
pocket after matches. No matches
there, J hat mado nun feel kind of
queer. Then ho put his fingers in his
other upper vest pocket, None there,
either.
"He heard my train roaring nearer
and nearer. It was ooming around
the second bend. Then, he owned up,
Jimmy was a good deal scared.
"Ho jumped right down the middle
ot the track in the dark toward ray
tram, not knowing what he wits goiug
to do, but feeling that somehow or
other he was going to stop the train
before it went on and crashed into
the express. As he run, my headlight
loomed out on him through the mist
coming up around tho bend.
"He yelled like a madman, but hie
voice might as well have been the
squeak of a mouse. Not a sound could
bo beard through the racket that the
storm and the locomotive made to
gether, as you all would know very
well.
"As for me, I never heard nor saw a
thing on the track before me, though
Jimmy stood straight in the middle of
It all the while, waving the lantern
with no light in it, and hollering till
he was blaok in tho faco. My head
light seemed to me to be shining
abont a dozen feet into a kind of thick
pudding of rain and mist.
"Jimmy told me that he stopped all
at once, when it seemed that my head
light was not fifty feet away from
him. Probably it was more than that.
It ooourrel to him that be hadn't
time to be scarod. He must take time
to think. So he thought ; and the
lives of two hundred people depanded
on his thinking to good advantage.
"He wondered if it would be best
to throw himself down on the track
and let the train go over him. He
was willing to do it, if it would do any
good. But he thought that the
chances were ten to one that his body
wonld throw the train off the track,
whereas there was at least a small
chauoe that if my traiu went on I
might bring it to a stop some way in
time to save a bad smash-up.
"Anyhow, he resolved not to throw
himself dowu, but to do tho , thing he
did-'dof He stepped off the track
and by this time I saw hira dimly by
the light from the headlight and
measuring his distance coolly, he
threw his lantern with all his might
straight through tho side window of
the cab !
"A luck wonld hive it, the lantern
got free of the broken glass before it
struck mo, aud the bottom of it hit
me fair and square in the side of the
head, here, just where you see the
mark. For an instant it stunned me,
but by the time I had got baok my
senses I found that I had reversed the
engine and pn.t on the air-brake, and
the train was ooming to a stop.
"It was just seooud nature to any
engineer and Jimmy Caswell knew
well it would be to know that auy
human being wouldn't do a thing like
that unless there was good cause for
the engine to stop. My fireman
would have stopped the train if I
hadn't, when he saw the lantern oome
in ; but he says that he hadn't more
than hoard the crash of the lantern
throngh the window before he saw me
jump for tho throttle and tho Air
brake.
"After the train had come to a stop,
and I, without knowing what had
really happened, was wiping the blood
off my face and thinking that some
body had tried to kill me aud wreek
the train, that boy came ruuuing up
alongsido tho cab, panting, clean out
of breath, and climbed up, all wet,
iuto the cab. 'My gramoua !' ho
managed to got out, pretty soon, Mid
I hit you?' -
" 'Somebody hit me,' says I ; 'I
don't know who 'twas nor whit 'twas.'
" 'I threw my lantern at -you,' says
he, as cool as a frog. . .
" 'You did !' says I ; 'well, what did
you do that for?'
" 'To keep you from running iuto
the Dude,' says he. ,
"By this time ho was up in the cab,
a-id he aud the. firemen were sopping
my face with w:tkr. And then my
head wasswimmiug around again, and
1 didn't know auy too well what was
going ou.
"But by the time the coudiiotor and
traiu hands and about two thirds of
tho passeugers hud come Bwarmiug
around, I was able to order 'em back,
and wo pulled up and overhauled the
express, slowly.
"Jimmy, ha was fnll of apologies to
me. 'My goodness,' snjs he, '1 hoped
I shouldn't hit you, but I was bound
to stop you anyway.'
"That's so,' says I. 'Don't ta'k
about it any more. I might have
passed you aud never seen you, or if
1 had enticed you wiving your mtm by
the Bids of the track I should havo
taken you for some fool of a tramp,
and like at not paid no attention to
yoil, and gone on nt full speed around
that next bend, But,'srys I, 'you'd
better go on to your own train now.'
" 'I wish some of you fellows wonld
lend mo a lantern,' says he.
"I looked at bin lantern, and saw
that the glass had smashed when it
went to the cab floor after hitting
rrie.
" 'What's the matter?' says I.
'Haven't yort any more lanterns on
your train?'
'I'd rather go back with one,' says
he,
"That made me laugh. He wasn't
going to let on but what he'd stoppod
uly train in the fcgular way, And I
don't believo ho did. There Was no
occasion to report to anybody. That
boy wasu't after any hero's honors, or
any of tbot kind of business.
"But of course it camo out, because,
though I didn't ask for any leave, I
had to go around for quite a spell
with my face all plastered up.
"D ctor down to Yarmouth fixed
me up all right. Jimmy offered to
pay the bill, but bless yon, I'd never
let him do that, even if the doctor
had charged ma a cont, which he
didn't.
"I was mighty glad to get ont of
that Bcrape with a scar on my face,
and I reckon it won't amount to much
after it's bleached out.
"How is Jimmy getting on? Oh,
first-rate, I guess. If they ever thought
of reprimanding him for not making
sure he had matches with him, when
he startod out to signal that train, I
guess thoy reflected that he'd shown
qualities that redeemed that fault, and
that the chanoes were that he'd make
a first-rate railroad man.
"He's still braking on the Flying
Dude. But it wou't take many years
to see him a conductor you can de
pend on that." Youth's Companion. .
The Tide Turning Sou'h.
"Georgia ought to get thousands of
settlers from Ohio aud Pennsylvania,"
sys "Silm"' B." Webb, who has just
returned from a trip to those States
in tho iuterestof the Central Railroad.
"The people in those States are dis
contented and are moving away. They
do not want to settle in Kansas or Ar
kansas or Texas, where so many of
their friends used to go. If Oeorgia
only had some literature descriptive
of her resources, it would attract
thousands of good, honest, hardwork
ing people of tho agricultural and me
chanical classes. The tide of emigra
tion is now setting toward Tennessee,
which Statu issued, probably a year
ago, one of the most complete books
on its resources that any State has
ever got ont. That book catches a
possible immigrant as soon as he ex
amines it. If our State will just let
the world "know what we have in the
way of climate, soil, minerals, woods,
water power and that sort of thing
our uncultivated and low-priced lands
will soon be in demand and the tax
able property of the State will in
crease in value a hundred million dol
lars in a few years." Atlanta Consti
tution. Mirror and Light on a Cuttlefish.
The phosphorescent organs of a rare
cuttlefish from deep water have been
investigated by Joubin. It comprises
what tho author calls a mirror and nn
apparatus for producing light. He
supposeii that this organ does no
function, and that it is like a machine
at rest; but if a living creature adapt
ed for food wanders, near the cuttle
fish, this prey, being of a highr tem
perature than the water in which it
floats, emits heat rays, which impingo
on tho reflecting mirrox.aud are then
concentrated in the light producing
organ, causing there a sensation, the
organs acting by reflex aotion. The
wa-er around it is then lighted up by
rays perceived by the eyo of the cut
tle. In a word, these organs are those
of calorio sense. He htii also found
in another cuttlefish an extremely
curious organ constructed in such a
manner that it does not perceive light
rays, but is solely adapted to receive
heat rays, whioh confirms his hypoth
esis as to the nature of the organs in
the other cuttle. Now York Inde
pendent. . .
A Culd l.igbt.
The recent investigations of Pro
fessor Ebert form an interesting se
quel to the researches of Tesla on the
production of electric light with the
minimum amount of heat. The goal,
of course, is to get the light with no
heat at all, except that which natural
ly belongs to the luminonj rays ; that
is, to get rid of tho obscuro or dark
beat altogether. Only abont five per
cent, of tho cneigy expended iu an iu
canhesuent lamp is tuned into light,
the remaining ninety-fivo going iuto
waste heat. Professor Elbert has now
not only doduoed the laws according
to whioh apparatus should be mado to
produce cold light by means of alter
nating currents of high frequency, but
be has imooeeded iu obtuiuing a light
of about otic-thirteenth of a candle
power, with about ntie-thotisandth of
mo eiifrgy reqnrraa la -one oi me
standard, cauilLp owe lamps. Thic,
of couvsejiia a Very' 'Small light, but
Professor Xbt-rt is confident that
lights of practical brightness may be
obtained according to his method.
London Kxchauge.
lives Fro:ii Viue Leave.
Dyes from autumn leaves might
teem a natural and inatler-of-coursu
production, but uutil recently no sueU
tiling has beeu thought of. Sjma
German chemists hnv, however, suc
ceeded iu extracting a rubstanue from
ripeued vine-leaves that with appro
priate mordants will co'or beautiful
hades of lrowu aud yellow. Auw
I i'ork Lelgcr,
HCIESTIFIC AND IXDUSTRIAL.
The hnman skeleton, exclusive of
the teeth, consists of 208 bonos.
Iietinunnk once examined a section
of human scalp that had nearly 12,009
hairs to the square inch.
One horse-power converted iuto gas
equals twelve candle-power ; into elec
tricity, equals 1G0!) caodlo-power.
Solitary confinement is calculated,
doctors state, to produce molancholia,
suicidal mania and loss of reason.
Nino months of absolutely solitary
confinement are almost certain to re
sult in the mental ruin of the convict.
A musical instrument, the pyro
phone, has been invented whioh ex
tracts nil the tones of tho scale from
gas flames,
Bailroad authorities says thnt an
orJinary locomotive has 300 horse
power and burns a ton of coke for
eighty miles of passenger train travel.
The human lungs retain the air in
their substance with such obstinacy
that it cannot be expelled by any com
pression short of absolutely disinte
grating the tissue.
A Manchester (England) man car
ries on his person a complete pick
pocket alarm system. Removal of
his watch, pin, or other jewelry causes
the ringing of a bell. The electrio
plant weighs twenty-two ounces.
An electric lighting plant at Ealing,
England, is operated by the wasto
beat from garbage destructors, and
provision is made for condensing the
steam from the engine with liquid
sewage, chemically treated to make it
innocuous.
A novel plan of strengthening a fly
wheel has been put iuto successful
practice in the Mannesmann Tube
Company's works in Germany. The
wheel consists mainly of wire, seventy
tons of which are wound around the
hnb, between two steel disks twenty
feet in diameter, and completely fill
ing the space.
California is soon to try an indus
try that has hitherto been confined in
this country to New York y that
of whalebone cutting. While much
of the world's supply of Wuolebone is
landed in San Francises from the
whaling ships, it has hitheito all been
sent to New York City and London to
be cut for nse.
Dr. Zaoharin, the late Czar's physi
cian, has devised a new method for
stanching the flow of blood. Steam is
injected into the wound through a
catheter for a minute or less. The
patient, under the influonce of chloro
form, feels no pain and suffers no ill
consequences. It is said that experi
ments show that by this method por
tions of the liver, spleen, kidneys or
lungs may be removed without serious
loss of blood and without fatal effects.
Pocket-knifo' blades are very un
evenly tempered. Even in so-called
standard cutlery some blades are hard
and some are soft. For the latter
there is no remedy, but tho temper of
hard ones can easily be drawn slight
ly. Take a kitchen poker and beat it
red hot. Have a blade that is to be
drawn bright and hold it on the poker
for a moment. When the color runs
down to violet blue stick tho blade in
a piece of tallow or beef suet until
cold. -
Deadwood is Belunct.
Deadwood, North Dakota, of to
day is a straggling village of houses
and shops in a guloh. The creek that
tears through the town makes a noise
when men are not talking politios on
the bridges. Seventeen years ago the
water of this stream was dear, and
men oonld whip tront from its depths.
It is red now, aud when a stranger to
the village stands npon the bridge he
is told by the natives that if he were
to wheel a wagon from bank, to bank
there would be gold enongh on the
tires of the wheels to pay his fare to
Spearfish. And Spearfish is a goodly
distance. "That water is colored by
the waste of the Homestake mine,"
these same natives will say. Continu
ing they will declare "there is gold in
every riffle. " The town is dead,
though. Its dance-houses are closed,
the old-time mail coaoh is now a fea
ture of a show iu the East, and the
limbs of the trees to whioh the vigi
lantes ot old used to btriug their vic
tims aro molting. Chicago Herald.
Derelicts at Sea.
The Admiralty and Board of Trado
Committee, of England, have rooently
published a curious report on the sub
ject of the destruction of derelict ves
sels. The committee recommends tho
better reporting of derelict vessels, as
to their character and location and
the publication periodically of such
report. But, on the other hand, they
do not deem it necessary to destroy
abandoned vessels or to hold interna
tional conferences to discuss the sub
ject. The report further states that
the dunger of collision with derelicts
is probably much exaggerated, and
that to publish tho information con
ceryig derelicts given in the charts is
sued bythe United States would bo
likely to mislead and needlessly alarm
Englith mariners. This casts a very
unjust reflection upon the vuluo of the
United States charts. If the dorelicts
are a menace to navigation, as tho
committee's report virtually admits,
they certainly deserve moro serious at
tention. Scientifio American.
Flue Fuueral oi a Pet Pug.
Paris is laughing over the extrava
gant fuueral of the pet dog of au
Americen family residing iu tho gay
cupital. Tho body was placed iu two
cabkets, one of oak, the other leaden,
conveyed in a hearse covered with
flowers to Vaueressou, and thero
buried. A number of mourners iu car
riages followed the heurse to the ceme
tery, and a monument costing $'S0 )
was erected over tho grave, the total
expenditure for the fuueral amounting
tu over S5U0, Chicago Herald.
THE MERRY SIDE OF LIFE
BT0RIE8 THAT ARE TOLD BT THE
FCHNT MEN OF THE PRESS.
Odd or Even Interested After
Heading Wouldn't Pop Nothing
In It, Ktc, Ktc.
"Hast thou a lover?" asked tho twain,
"Oh, maiden of the Rhine."
She blushed in sweet confusion
And softly faltered "Nln."
He felt rebufTdd and knew not ,
What beet to say, and then
A sudden thought enmi to him J
He pleaded, "Make It ten."
New York Mercury.
INTERESTED.
Minnie "I want to introduce you
to a young lady a very nice girl
and she's worth her weight in gold."
Bob "Stout girl, I hope?" Puck.
WOCLDN'r POP.
Ada "Is Jack Rogers a talkative
man?"
Helen "I've been trying for two
years to make him speak." Philadel
phia Life.
AFTER READING,
"I only got five dollars for that
poem."
"If that was my poem, Mr. Pen
scratch, I wouldn't havo let 'em print
it for five hundred dollars." Life.
A prmsa reception.
Mrs. Suburb "Dora! Dora!"
Daughter "Yes, Ma.
Mrs. Suburb "Run to the piano
and play 'Hail to the Chief.' Here
come thfl new girl." Now York
Weekly.
BOW SHE MOVED HIM.
Miss Fitz "I fear I shall have to
complain of you for cruolty to ani
mals." Stalate "Pray, what do I do?"
Miss Fitz "Keep poor littlo Fido
up so late." Pock.
HEIOdl OP FLATTERY,
Mrs. Ooodfeei3rP"Will you ask a
blessing, Mr. Guest?"
Mr, Quest (oasting his eye admir
ingly over the table) "Really, my
dear madam, it doesn't need it." De
troit Free Press.
NOTHING IN rt.
Landlady (notioing boarder looking
intontly into his soup) "What is tho
matter, Mr. Slimdiet? Is there any
thing in your soup?"
Mr. Slimdiet "I haven't found
anything yet. "Puck.
THE LAUNDRESS FAD.
Jessie Fadloy "Tho latest fad is to
colloot handkerchiefs of as many dif
ferent kinds as possible "
Mrs. Fadley "Well, I think that is
what must be tho matter with oar
laundress " Philadelphia Life,
A PROSPECTIVE FATE.
Sbo "These glasses aro not strong
enough for mo. What comes uoxt to
number two?"
He "Number ono."
"And after that?"
"After number ono, you will need a
dog." Life.
MBXDACm V8. IGNORANCE.
Mr. Van Bullion "Is your mistress
in?"
Biddy "Sure, aud Oi'll see, sor.
(Returning in a fow minutes) No, sor,
she ain't, sor, but sha wants ter know
whin yez'll be after calling agin,
aor." Truth.
A PUZZLING QUESTION.
Mr. Cynical Sneer aud Tom Spittle
jag, two society youths, had a row in
their club room. The latter said very
severely :
"My dear friend, allow me to tell
yon that yon are a donkey."
"Well," responded Mr. Sneer, "will
yon kindly tell me, am I n donkey be
cause I'm your friend, or am I your
friend because I'm a donkey ?" Texas
Sittings.
WHAT HE WANTED IN Tt.
When the waiter brought in tho
guest's breakfast he sot a cup of coffee
down by his plate, and tho guest
picked it up and took a sip.
"Cream in it, sir?" inqtiireJ the
waiter.
"No."
"Sugar?'
"No."
"Perhaps you'll have ttipoon, sir?"
miled the waiter.
"So. I don't want a spoon either,''
growled the guest.
The waiter was nonplussed.
"Wou't you have anything in it,
sir?" he urged.
"Yes, heat Take it back," and tho
waiter took it back. Detroit Fred
Press.
A DOMESTIC! CONVERSATION.
Her Father "So yon have had a
proposal, my daughter?"
Herself "Yes, papa several. An
iceman proposed to me. "
Her Father (breathlessly) "Did
you aooept him, my dear?"
Herself "Nay, nay, papa,"
Hor Father "Ingrate!"
Herself "After him a plumber pro
posed to me, dear papa. "
Her Father (excitedly) "And him
did you aooept him?"
Herself "Not for jowels and prec
ious (tones, papa mine."
Her Father "Fool! Idiot!"
Herself "I had a third proposal,
papa. Tho gentleman is an iceman iu
the summer time and a plumber iu
the winter."
Her Father (ou the verge of apo
plexj) "Madeline".
Herself (calmlv) "I accepted him,
father."
Her Father--"Fall ou my neck, my
angel child you are (he rarest toso
vf tkew U." Truth.
A CHANGE.
ITave you seen the full moon
Drift behind a cloul.
Hiding nil of nature
In a dusky shroud?
Have yoo seen the light snow
Change to suiden ruin,
And tho virgin streets grow
Black as Ink ngntn?
Have yon seen the ashe,
When the flame Is spent,
Anil the cheerless benrthston9
Glim nn eloquent?
Have you see tho ballroom
When the dance Is done
And Hi tawdry splendor
Meets the morning sun?
Dearest, all theso pictures
Cannot half portray
now my life has altered
Blnco you've gone away ?
-Harry Itomaine, In Munsey's Magazine.
HUMOR OF TIIE DAY,
A silent worker Tho yeast cake.
'Held by the enemy" The ulster
which we are nnablo to redeem.
Texas Siftings.
Every man knows in his own heart
that the fools are not all dead yet.
Albany Argus.
This pig went to market,
This one refused to roam ;
But the one that takes two seats In a Cif
We wish would stay at home.
Inter-Ocean.
"Well, that baits all," romarked the
Irish fisherman as he looked into his
can in vain for a worm. Philadelphia
Life.
The only thing wo can recommend
to women for tho management of a
husband, is to feed him and trust to
luck. Atohison Globe.
Sibyl "When Stevo proposed to
me he acted like a fish out of water."
Tirpie "Why shouldn't he? Ho
knew he was caught." Yankee Blade.
'Tin now about the time of year
When each friend, overbold.
Fir off tnls qn-wtlon In your ear,
Where did you get thnt cold?"
-New York Herald.
When a woman begins to show
dislike to being called by her pot
name she may be considered as offi
cially out of tho matrimonial race.
Hudson Register.
Her brow was like the snowdrift,
Her throit was like the swan,
And her hat It was tha largest
Uo'd ever looked upon.
Inter-Oeenn.
Ho "I could believe thut this was
one of mother's own pies, dear." She
"Could you, really, darling?" He
"Yes; it tastes as if it had been
made about ten years ago." Iuter
Ocean. Witts "Talk about word painting f
I know a man who is tho equal of any
in that line." Watts "Done some
thing wonderful in boous, has he?"
Witts "Er no ; in signs. "--Buffalo
Courier.
Break! Break! Break!
On tby oold, gray stones, oh sew
Thou'lt not, I'll bet, ba nhls to gut
As broke as I soon shall bo.
Wasblugton War.
Stockly "I hear that your son wcnl
into the office to work this morning."
Jobly "He went into tho ofllco tc
work me. I was out, but I guess I'd
have been or.t more if I'd been in."
Philadelphia Record.
A girl isn't going to be married soon
if a number of gentlemen call on her
on a Sunday afternoon. When any
thing serious is in prospect all tha
men exoopt the one who is in earnest
drop off. Atohison Globe.
No more he pulls bis father's beorl
And drives him to despair ;
He muiib prefers a handful ot
His brother's football hatr.
Washington Star.
"How do yon like the way I wear
my hair now?" asked the football
plyr. "It's lovely," replied the
girt. ' "If your head only had soma
silk sewed around it, it would be a
lovely soft pillow." Detroit Free
Press.
"Do you think," said the passenger
on the front platform of the street
car, that it hurts a horse to dock its
tail?" "Yes," replied tho man who
handles the brake, "but not as much
as it does a driver to dock his wages."
Washington Star.
Littlo Nod "Don't take away the
light." Mamma "I want you tu
learn to go to sleep without alight"
"Must I sleep in the dark?" "Yea."
"Well, then, wait a miuute. I guess
I'll get np and say my prayers a littlo
more carefully." Good News.
"Are you nsed to serving roast boof
rare?" said tho lady who was endeav
oring to learn whether bIio suited tho
new cook. "No, ma'am," was tho
loftily-spoken reply. "Up to mo
prisiut employmiut Oi've been used to
serving it frequent." Washington
Star.
Jugwell "I've mado an awful mis
take I sout a messenger boy up to
Miss Coshley's with a lot ot flowers,
thinking it was her birthday, and
now I learn that her birthday is to
morrow." Wigwag 'That's all
right ; tho messenger boy may get
thero in time." Philadelphia Record,
Tho art ol making moiioy leads
All other human passiou.
Aud muukiud geuurally concedes
'i'ts quite au honest fashion.
Vet, when a man to make the same
Has to Uiu uuud Hrlsuu,
Then juitloe "lumlilna to his game"
And sends hiiu straight to prisou.
lilchiuoud uiepatcht
Substitutes Petroleum tor foul.
United States Consul Riehman, 2
St. Gall, (Switzerland, has transmitted
to the State Dupai tmeut diurauis and
a detailed description of a now device
for burning petroleum to geuerato
steam, known as tho Gleemun-Uuum-gnrtner
apparatus, Tho results ob
tained were strikingly successful, and
in the opinion of txperts indicate the
displaoemeut of coal as a steam pro
ducing fuel wherever petroleum can
bo procured. Now York Adveitiocr.
- I'i.,vl -
.-J