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wht
S
ONLY GOINO TO THE OATS.
Like a bell of blossom ringing,
Clear and cl.Udiih, fhrill and sweet,
Flouting to the lurch's shadow,,
With the fainter full of feet,
Comes the answer softly backward,
Bidding tender watcher wait
While the baby-quoon outruns her,
"Only going to the gate."
Through the moonlight, warm and scented,
Love to beauty breathes a sigh,
Always to depart roluctaut,
Loath to sjieak the words good-bye;
Then the tamo low echo answers,
Waiting love of older date.
And tho maiden wliLqiers softly,
"Only going to the gate."
Oh, the gatat along our pathway,
What they bar outside and inl
With the va ;ue outlook beyond thorn,
Oyer waves we have not been.
How they ttand before, behind usl
Toll-gate some, with price to pay ;
Bpring-gntos some, that shut forever;
Cloud-rates some, that melt away.
Bo wo pnsi them going upward
On our journey one by one,
To the distant shining wioket
Whore aeh traveler goes alone
Whore the f r!ondswho journey with us
Strangely falttr, slop and wait;
Father, mothor, child or lover;
"Only going to tho gate."
-MESMERISM.
" That is merely a sham sleep," whis
pered a well-known Seventh street phy
sician to tho reporter, while, seated near
tho slngo one night witnessing tho feats
In mesmerism, which havo sinco become,
tho talk of thetown.
The professor had touched his first
subject's rye-lids, making him sink into
an apparent deep sleep.
"Merely a shum sleep," continued tho
physician. "Mesmerism is alt a snare
and a fraud. When Mesmer mado his
first exhibitions in Paris, in 1778, Ben
jamin Franklin gave the subject serious
attention, nnd ntter long and careful ex
aminations he declared that Mesmer nnd
mesmerism were humbugs. The medical
fraternity has no reason to-day to believe
otherwise."
"What wns Franklin doing in Paris
at that time? I thought he was an Ameri
can citizen."
" Bo ho was. lie was tho American
minister to Paris, and was ono of nine
commissioners appointed by the king of
Franco to investigate Mesmer."
"Have you ever before been present nt
on exhibition of this kind? Did you see
Carpenter atMclodeon hall last year?"
"No, to both questions; but common
sense tells mo that lien Franklin was
right, nnd I nm positive that I will go
out of hero to-niglit with unshaken faith
in him."
Two victims in apparent mesmeric
sleep were now seated side by side upon
tho stage. Tho eyes of one were bhut
tight, whilo tho the eye-lids of tho
other, but partly closed over tho eye
balls, quivered constantly.
" We will now show you what queer
appetites these gentlemen possess, "be
gau the professor on the stage, handing
an ordinary wox-cnndlo to each of the
sleepers, who immediately crunched the
tit-bits with every appearance of delight.
When tho candles were half eaten and
every particle of wax sucked from the
baro ends of tho wicks, the physician
found his voice agaiu.
"They do seem to be under some
strange influence," he said, "but be sure
they are merely playing a part, and un
derstand what they are doinjj just as well
as you or I. Tho caudles nre no doubt
made to order, of somo palatable compo
sition, and nre not so disagreeable in
taste as they look. Let nio tell you
about ono of the experiments which con
vinced tho French commission that Mes
mer was a humbug."
The audience was so thoroughly occu
pied in laughing at the antics of the
Bleeping candle-caters that the doctor's
chatter did not disturb any one in tho
least.
"Fire away."
" Well, sir, they called a woman who
had been one of Mesmer's favorite sub
jects into a room apart from the place
where the experiments were usually con
ducted, nnd after bandaging her eyes
ono of tho number opened and closed
the outer door sharply, at tho same
time saying aloud, so that, she might
near: 'Ah, Dr. Mesmer, you are just in
time. We are perfectly ready for the
manipulation.' Then another pretended
to speak to the mesmorizerand requested
him to begin. Nothing was done. The
commissioners sat quiet, watching the
woman. In three minutes she began a
nervous shivering. Then she put her
hands to her head, as though it
pained her; she complained of a
prickly feeling in her hands rnd arms.
She became rigid, struck her hands
together, got up stillly from her seat and
stamped on the floor; seemed not to hear
when spoken to, nor to feel pain when
pricked with a pin. In a word, she was
completely mesmerized by nothing."
" Who was Mesmer, and what was his
idea of the phenomenon?"
" He was an English physician, and
made his first public exhibition of what
ho claimed was a discovery that would
revolutionize the practice of medicine in
1773. lie claimed that his power was in
a volatile fluid which passed from the
mesmcrizer into the body of tho subject,
and surrounded himself on the stage
with a lot of cumbrous machinery calcu
lated to excite suspicion. The patient
was compelled to scut himself in a chair
raised above tho stngo upon four iron
rods, and his motions and grimaces were
of the most grotesque nature. Tliese
gentlemen make use of no mummery of
that kind, 1 kj1, i.ud in that respect arc
fur ahead ol' the old profess ors."
The candles were almost wholly eaten,
nowj and the professor gently rubbed the
eyelids of one of tho caters. He came
out of his sleep at once, end nftcr look
ing about in a dazed way for a second,
suddenly caught sight of tho candle end
in his hand. Ho gave it an involuntary
toss from him, sending it plump into the
rci ortor's lap, and then spit out a mouth
ful of the half-chewed wax.
The candle end was gonuine, and was
novcr designed for edible purposes, as
the Seventeenth street physician acknowl
edged, after taking a bite out of it.
To more subjects were presently put
to sleep and tho professor proceeded to
plunge a needle iu the cheek of the ono
on the right, drawing it out at perhnps
half an inch from its entrance and leaving
a thread behind it, precisely as though
tho stitch had been taken in so much
dead cloth. Tho threaded needle was
passed through the cheek of tho other
sleeper, and tho ends of tho thread were
tied, leaving the subjects united. Whilo
tho needles were entering their flesh the
victims snt perfectly still, not a motion
or a twitch of tho eyelid giving evidence
of pain.
' Is that a sham ?"
" Well, I I really, this is most as
tounding. If tho men were feigning
sleep they would certainly flinch when
tho ncedlo pricked them, and yet I can
not believe otherwise."
It was evident that tho physicion's
faith in Ben Franklin's report to the
king of Franc was in danger of giving
way beiore tho evidence of his own eyes,
and tho reporter left him deeply inter
ested in the experiments which followed.
One of the students of the Miami
medical college lias given this subject
particular attention nnd study since the
exhibitions in this city last season, nnd
wns found perfectly ready to tell the
Enquirer something about the mysterious
science.
"It is neither a sham nor a delusion,"
said he, tilting back his chair until the
center of gravity was in danger of being
overcome, and placing his thumbs in the
arm-holes of his vest, while his boots
went up and rested on the table
top. Franklin and his associates had
settled on their verdict beforo they saw
Mesmer. Common sense told them that
he wns a charlatan, and they reported
accordingly, although for once common
sense was wrong, But, cut and dried as
tho wholo business was, they could not
help saying in their report: 'In truth
it wns impossible not to rccognizo the
great power or agency which held the
patients under its dominion, and of
which tho magnetism appeared to
bo tho solo depository.' This was in
1778, and, although tho world has had a
hundred years and over in which to
accept a simplo truth, there are reput
ablo physicians to-day in this city who
laugh at the science. It is very simple.
Almost anyone can acquire it."
'Can acquire what?"
"The art of mesmerizing."
"Do I understand you to say that
almost any reader of the Enquirer can
karn to put persons to sleep at will?"
"Yes, nnd after that can make them
perforin whatever antics he may desire."
This wns a hold statement, and was
taken with a grain of salt.
"In his book entitled 'Mesmerism in
India,' Mr. James Ksdaile, M. D., tells
how ho taught his. assistants to exercise
tho power, so that they all beenmo ns
expert as himself in the art. It only
requires that a person shall be healthy,
tractable and patient, with a firm faith in
himself, and blessed with a strong will
nnd concentration of mind. Dr. Esdaile
discovered his own power by nccident,
and ns some of your readers may wish to
try their own hand at tho art I don't
mind telling you just how ho went about
it the first time. One of his patients was
in the most intense agony, which nothing
would relieve, nnd turning to his servant,
Dr. Esdaile said : 'I have read of mesmer
ism ns a relief of pain, and I have a great
mind to try it on this man ; hut, as I have
never seen it practiced, probably I will
not succeed. "
" He then placed the patient's knees
between his own and began to pass his
hands slowly over the man's face, at the
distance of an inch, and carried them
down to the pit of his stomach. This
was continued for half an hour before a
word was spoken, but at the end of that
time the man was found perfectly sensi
ble and coherent. Tho passes were con
tinued for fifteen minutes longer, and
then, when about to give up in despair,
the patient said that there was smoke in
the room. This smoke was really a mag
netic haze which always precedes tuo
sleep of the magnetized. Tho doctor
now breathed on the man's head, nnd
continued passing Ins hands over his face
and in the region of tho pain until the
patient drew a long breath of relief nnd
said, Blcepily : ' You nre my father nnd
my mother, and havo given me life
again.' After half an hour the sick
man's face was in perfect repose. He
paid no attention when his name was
called loudly, and a pin driven to
its head in tho fleshy part of his leg
produced no effect upon him whatever.
Fire was then applied to his
knees, without his shrinking in the
least, and liquor ummonial that would
bring tears to your eyes was inhaled by
him for some minutes without causing an
eyelid to quiver. Dr. Esdaile then con
cluded that his first experiment was a
success. This story is strictly true, and
when you tell your readers about it be
sure to call their attention to tho fact
that the operator was strong, self-willed
and healthy, while the subject was weak
and debilitated."
" Does tho magnetic sleep pass off in
the same way as ordinary slumber ?"
"Yes; or it may oe dissipated by
blowing sharply on the subject's eyes,
rubbing the eye-lids and eyebrows, or
sprinkling cld water on the face. When
locally applied these methods are equally
etticacious iu dccutulcpxiug rigid limbs.
Suppose your arm is catalepsed or mes
merized so that it will require consider
able force to bend it. By merely blow
ing on It, rubbing it gently, or lotting a
few drops of cold water fall on it, the
operator may relax its rigidity and re
store tho arm to it normal condition.
Professor Carpenter came down among tho
audience, at Molodeon hall, last season,
and mesmerized mo against my will, so
that I followed him to the stage and did
every thing commanded while in the mag
netized sleep.
" You will notice that immediately
upon coming out of the mngnetic sleep
nine out of every ten men will bury their
faces in their hnnds, as though they
were suddenly struck blind. This is
because tho pupil of tho eye is momen
tarily insensible-to light. Tho subject
knows that his eyes are open and ho docs
not see; tho thought fills him with hor
ror, and involuntarily his face goes down
into his hands nnd groans in ngony at
tho thought. Tho blindness, however,
soon passes off, and tho retina recovers
its sensibility by a little rubbing of the
eye. I have been there, and I know what
I am talking about."
"Some persons can not bo mesmerized,
I understand."
"That is true. Persons of a highly
sensitive nature, or those weak In body
or mind, are not easily affected." Cin
cinnati Enquirer.
The Oldest Reigning Dynasty.
Mutsuhito I., one hundred and twenty
third emperor of Japan, is now thirty
three years old, having reigned since the
death of his father, which took place in
1807. Ho was born at Kioto on the 22d
day of the ninth month of year Kayci,
and was the second son of the late Em
peror Komei, and the Empress Fujiwara
Asako. WTion about nine years old he
was nominated prince imperial and heir ap
parent and succeeded to the throne on tho
13th of February, 1807, being crowned at
his birthplace on tho 12th of October in tho
succccdingyear. A few days afterward the
now emperor chose the formula "Mciji," to
designate his reign, and married early the
next year, the accomplished daughter of a
noble of tho first rank. There i9 no
other monarch in the world who can
boast so unbroken a descent from so
ancient a stock as the mikado. The
Chinese, it is true, claim that their his
tory commences some thiee thousand
years before the birth of Christ for it
is unnecessary to treat gravely such
records as profess to deal with tho fabu
lous dynasties of heaven, earth and man.
Against tho five thousand years or so
to which Chinese historians lay claim as
the period during which monarchs have
ruled this land, tho Japanese place only
two thousand five hundred and forty
four. They dato their calendar from the
ascension of Jimmu Tcnno, which, accord
ing to the best authorities, took place on
tho 7th of April, 000 B. C. Even
this modest claim has been disputed,
certain rationalizing spirts of modern
times maintaining that Jimmu is a
myth. ' But this skepticism wants
more to support it than tho mere
antiquity assigned to him. There is
nothing unlikely in the fact that a per
son said to have reigned in Japan while
Tullus Hostilius was reigning in Rome
was at least as real as his confrere of the
West. But whatever may be tho truth,
bo Jimmu a myth or a reality, the fact
remains that while China has had two-nnd-twenty
dynasties Japan has had but
one. In China the throne has frequently
been seized by parvenus. Savage chiefs
from Manchuria and Turkestan, slaves
raised to tho doubtAil honor of court
favorites even servants i.a Buddhist
monastery have in many instances ousted
the reigning sovereign and assumed the
imperial yellow. But in Japan there has
been ono long, unbroken line of mon
archs, tho longest, oldest dynasty in the
world, in comparison with which tho
Guelphs and Hapsburgs are nouveaux
riches and the RomajSDlTs of yesterday.
North China Ilerald.
Dropped Dead on the Track.
Henry Farris,a Kentucky horse trainer,
seventy-four years old, says that he is
probably the oldest turfman in America.
In recounting some stories of racing in
tho early days, he said to a Louisville
Commercial reporter.
"Forty-four years ago I saw the Gray
Eagle and Wagner race, undoubtedly tho
most exciting ever run in the world.
Every State in the union was represented.
There were no railroads or other trans
portation accommodations in those days,
but people flocked from everywhere, and
the attendance on that day numbered
easily thirteen thousand. Kentucky was
represented by the great Gray Eagle and
Virginia by AVagner, From tho first it
was evident that Gray Eagle or Wagner
would win tho race. They took tho
lead, and as they rounded the quarter
stretch Gray Eagle led the way by an
open length. Both jockeys plied the
whip vigorously. Wagner gradually
closed tho gap and landed at the stand
half a length ahead of tho great Ken
tucky steed. Tho stakes were $;!0,000,
and in addition to this Campbell, tho
the owner of Wagner, told mo ho won
$13,000 on side bets. In those days pool
selling, or a regulated system of betting
was unknown.
"Tho man who wanted to gamblo
generally proclaimed from a box. An
agent always accompanied tho capitalist
iu uMti a report in inc uet ilia employer
made. An instance which tended to in
crease tho excitement of the day was the
death of a man named Peck. He was a
Kentuckian, and had bet every cent ho
possessed, amounting, I believe, to $15,
000, on Gray Eagle. He stationed him
self near the spot which marked tho
finish, and when he saw that he had lost
he dropped deud on the spot. I have
witnessed every event of importance in
the way of racing since that memorable
day, und have never 6een, nor do I ex
pect to Be?, a contest so exciting or full
of general interest. A barrel of money
changed hands on the result."
SCIENTIFIC AMD INDUSTRIAL.
It has been thought that the freezing
of the sap causes trees to expand in cold
weather. Professor Thomas Median
finds, however, that such is not tho cose,
as tho trees contract to a considerable ex
tent. Granulated milk, according to tho
Medical llecord, is mado by subjecting
milk to a heat of 130 degrees until the
watery part has been evaporated. Then
it is granulated, and sugar is added,
when it looks like corn meal. It is less
solid than condensed milk, and with
water closely resembles natural milk.
Professor J. Koinig proposes to purify
town Bcwago and tho waste waters of
slaughter houses, dye works, breweries,
etc., by allowing them to tricklo over a
network of wire, thus exposing a large
surface to tho oxidizing action of the
atmosphere. Ho recommends that tho
coarser impurities should first be removed
by means of settling-tanks.
Somo of the conclusions of science
would indeed be appalling but for their
practical harmlessness. Thus, geologists
assert that if the contents and the bottom
of the ocean were graded dawn to a uni
form level, tho whole world would bo
covered with water a mile deep, so much
greater is the depression of the ocean bed
than the elevation of tho existing land.
The wheels of railway and other cars
are now made of leather in France by a
Erocess of M. de la Hoche. Untanned
uffalo skins are cut into strips, and
these nre built into solid discs and
strongly compressed by hydraulic presses,
then buund with two iron rings. A
wheel of this kind is noiseless, resists
shocks, nnd is not liable to fracture on a
journey.
On the state railways in Sweden, says
the Engineering, there is generally a doc
tor for every thirty-two miles of line,
and in this way forty four doctors are
employed by the government. The pri
vate railways have a similar system. The
medical men examine all applicants for
employment and reject those physically
disqualified, especially by defects of sight
or hearing. They also give their ser
vices to and attend to all injured by ac
cidents on the line, to regular employes
and their families in sickness, to occa
sional employes while engaged in service,
and to laborers in the shops who have
paid the same contributions as those en
gaged in working the line. No exception
is made in the caso of those who suffer
from injury or disease caused by their
own fault.
Babies in the Andience.
I point with pride to my record of
seven or eight years on the rostrum. I
have seen and heard, in my audience,
legions of babies. All good babies, be
cause all babies aro good. Some are im
measurably better than others, but there
are no bad babies. Mere and merely
varying degrees of goodness. Some of
the babies, the happy ones, cooed and
laughed through the lecture. Some of
them, tho precious ones, talked aloud.
Some of them, the sensible ones, slept
through every word of it. And some,
the unhappy ones, who bore upon their
infant minds burdens of care and woe,
fretted and cried and shrieked and hol
lered. They have screamed until my
feeble voice was inaudible to myself.
And I appeal to any man or woman to
say if ever I lost my temper, if ever I
frowned, if ever I stopped talking be
cause the baby screamed. If any man
says I ever betrayed one sign of ill-nature
or distraction, the same is a thief
nnd a liar, and "dassent take it up."
Tho babies in the audience never bother
me.
I have seen them drive an audience to
madness, however.
But then tho audience isn't paid for
listening to the baby, nnd I nm. At least,
comprehensively, I am paid for every
thing that goes on during my hour and a
half. 11. J. Burdette.
A Delicacy Heretofore Despised.
For many years tho star fish has been
the great and growing enemy of the oys
ter. The damage done by star fish in the
oyster plantation of Long Island sound
alone is estimated at hundreds of thous
ands of dollars. Many thousands of dol
lars havo been annually expended in
dredging for these marauders and dump
ing them on tho beach to die. After so
much labor has been thereby in a measure
wasted, it has been discovered that tho
star fish is itself a great luxury, and a most
delicious soup is mado of it. They are
also fried and served up and garnished
with parsley, and tho grisly shells are
being polished and used as ornamental
dishes for serving meats nnd fish. If the
taste for star fish becomes general, tho
oystcrman will rather cultivato his ac
quaintance, and welcome him into tho
oyster beds as a benefactor. Savannah
Ners.
A Wonderful Swim.
Captain Haultain, thirty-two years old,
weighing l'JO pounds, was washed over
board ut night in a terrific gale off the
coast of New Zealand. Ho had on at
tho time a heavy overcoat, high sea
boots, two pairs of trousers und four
Blurts. Encumbered as ho was, he swam
for half un hour iu tho darkess in the
wake of his ship. No boat was put out
for him. He swam out of his overcoat
and dived out of his boots. In waves
thirty feet high he swam ashore, a dis
tance of three miles. His vessel had
also been beached, and some of his crew
found him clinging to the sand with the
surf breaking over him. He had been
three hours in the water. His swim
is considered the most wonderful on
record.
There are about 00,000 locomotive en
gineers in the world, and 120,000 pas
senger tiud 500,000 freight curs.
II0WSII0WPE0PLEWMER.
SPEITDIHO THEIR TIME IS PRACTIS
ING OS TRAINIirO BOSSES.
Perfecting Themticl ven for Hie Summer
Campaign- IIowTnejr Train tneir
Horace for lb Sawdust King.
"Do they retire into the cave of gloom
and have their long, unbroken winter
snore, just like the bear and other strol
lers ? Or how do thev hibernate ?"
The ranorter addressed this Question to
a group of circus people, and Mr. Stick-
ney, the manager, tooK the answer upon
himself,
"It ha9 often been a puzzle to mo why
tho general Dublic is so little informed
nbout circus people in this country.
With tho doings and sayings, the for
tunes and misfortunes of nctors and sing
ers nnd other show people, the press is
very familiar, and devotes regularly an
amount of space to them; but for us, the
circus folks, not a line is available.''
Thus said the veteran equestrian, mus
ingly. "However," ho continued, "I'll
tell you something about circus people.
The salaries of the riders are generally
large enough during the season to sup
port them through the winter. They do
not bother about giving instructions in
equestrianism. The remuneration would
be too small, and, beside, not every
bareback rider is competent or even able
to instruct others how to ride.
"With circus riders the point is to
learn how to doall kinds of daring tricks
on horseback, without losing their bal
ance and hold of the steed. The manner
in which they sit on their horse, whether
correctly or Indian fashion, makes little
difference. So you see they couldn't
show others how to sit on a horse. Well,
tho most of them spend their winters in
those few places in the country where
practicing buildings arc to be had.
There's S. Q. Stokes' place in Fordham,
N. Y., where there is a regular forty-two-foot
ring to practice your horses in.
Those equestrians that have their own
horses send them for stabling and pay a
certain sum for their keep and for the
privilege of practicing them. The same
is true of Easton Stone's place near New
ark, N. J., nnd of Carroll's in Wcstches:
tor. Barnum only keeps large quarters
for hi9 menagerie in Bridgeport, Conn.,
but no practicing buildings. "Well, in
these different places tho regular circus
riders go-on practicing their horseg and
their own limbs all through the cold
weather. If they did not they would
lose their skill and never improve.
"They I. reak in and train new horses
beside, and learn all kinds of new tricks
for the next season. Of course, I'm only
speaking in this connection of the well
known riders of reputation like Jim
Hobinson, Charley Fish, Frank Melville,
Orrin Hollis and Willie Sholes. Of the
female bare-back riders I need mention
but a few, like Mme. Dockrill, Lottie
Aimard, Viola Rivers and Ella Zuyana
that's a man, by the way, but performs
in women's clothes. And he's the most
finished circus rider in this country and
the most elegant. S. Q. Stokos gradu
ated here. As I said before, the eques
trians don't give lessons in the cold sea
son. It wouldn't pay them. The winter
circus is unknown in this country, but I
am sure they would pay as well in such
places as New York, Boston, Philadel
phia or Chicago as they do in Paris,
London or Berlin."
"How about the other circus people
the jugglers, tumblers, gymnasts?"
"They're better off than we eques
trians. All those that amount to any
thing can find all the engagements they
want during the winter. They perform
in theaters and such places of amuso
ment, and generally have a scries of
engagements running right up to the
beginning of the circus season."
"Now, Mr. Stickney, tell me the A B
C of circus riding and equestrian tricks."
"I will, with pleasure. In order to
make a proper ring horse, first make him
bridle-wise. The horse then has the pad
put on him, if he is to serve as a pad
horse. To get used to that takes some
time. Then you must get tho horse ac
customed to the ring, which is done by
leading him around the circular track,
nnd always bending his neck inside, to
ward tho'track. Then give him a long
dose of 'rough riding.' If he kicks with
the pad on his back, you work away at
him until you make him understand that
he's got to carry it and tho object on top
of it, and that it dont hurt him. The
' lunge rein ' is also used at that period of
a horse's training. When thus far bring
iu your objects, such as banners, hoops,
flags, hurdles, drums, weapons, etc.,
and get him thoroughly used to them.
Let him look at them and smell of them;
in short, take all the fear out of him by
convincing him that nothing of all thisj
despite the noise, is going to injure him.
When he has become acquainted with all
these things, when the horse no longer
shies nnd will pursue the even tenor of
his way in the arena, no matter what
happens, then he is a good performing
horse. Only about ono iu every fifty
horses gets that fur, though, just as it is
with a circus rider, too. New Yurk New.
Getting Even.
It will not always do to play practical
jokes upon "the old man," for he may
turn the tables upon you. This is what
a Cleveland widower did to his daugh
ter. She was at school in New York, and
had written homo to her father that she
had married and was willing to be for
given. The father forgave and welcomed
home his children. By aud bye it came
out that the daughter had been a party
to a practical joke at her father'scxpense,
her husband being a schoolmate of her
own sex. The father, having started iu
the forgiving business, did not turn biick
wurd, but married tho "husband-' him
self, aud suggests that iu giving his
daughter a uiother-iu-law ho has "pt
even."
THE INVENTOR'S WIFB.
4
It's easy to talk of the patience of Job,
Humph I Job had nothln' to try him?
Ef he'd been married to 'Bijah Brown, folks
wouldn't have dared oomnigh him.
Trials iiileod! Now I'll tell you what ef jrou
want to be sick of your life,
Jest come and chance places w 1th me a spell,
for I'm an inventor's wife.
And tech inventions 1 I'm never gnre, when
I take up my coffee-pot,
That 'Bijah hain't ben "improvln' " It, and it
mayn't go off like a shot.
Why, didn't he make me a cradle once that
would keep itself a-rockin';
And didn't it pitch the baby out, and wasn't
his head bruised shoe kin'?
And there was his "Patent Peeler," too
wonderful thing, I'll say;
But it hed one fault it never stopped till tbM
apple was peeled away.
As for locks, anl clocks, and mowln' ma
chines, and reapers, and all sech trash.
Why, 'Bijah's invented heaps of 'em, but they
don't bring in no cash.
Law I that don't worry him not at all; he's
the aggravatin'est man
He'll set in his little workshop there, and
. whistle and think and plan,
Inventin' a Jew's-harp to go by steam, or
new-fangled powder-horn,
While the children's goln' barefoot to school,
and the weeds is chokin' our corn.
When 'Bijah and me kep' company he warn't
like this, you know;
Our folks all thought he was dreadful smart
but that was years ago.
He was handsome as any pictur then, and he
' had such a glib, bright way
I never thought that a time would com
when I'd rue my weddin' day;
But when I've been forced to chop the wood,
and tend to the farm beside,
And look at 'Bijah a-settin there, I've Jest
drop; ed down and criel.
We lost the hull of our turnip crop while he
was inventin' a gun.
But I counted it one of my- marcies when it
bu'st before 'twas done.
So he turned it into a "burglar alarm.'' It
ought to give thieves a fright
Twould scare an honest man out of his wits,
ef he sot it off atnl.;ht.
Sometimes I wonder ef 'Bijah's craxy, he
does sech cur'ous things.
Hev I told you about his bedstead y it? 'Twas
full of wheels and springs;
It he! a key to wind it up, and a clock face at
the head;
All you did was to turn them hands, and at
any hour you said,
That bed got up and shook itself, and bounced
you on the floor,
And then shet up, jest like a box, so yon
couldn't s'eep any more.
Wa al, 'Bijah he fixed it all complete, and he
sot it at half-past five,
But be hadn't more'n got into it when dear
me! sakes alive!
Them wheels began to whiz and whirr 1 I
heerd a fearful snap,
And there was that bedstead, with 'Bijah In
side, shet up jest like a trap!
I screamed, of course, but 'twa'nt no use.
Then I worked that hull long night
A-tryine to open the pasky thing. At last I
got in a fright:
I couldn't hear his voice inside, and I thought
he might Jdym';
So I took a crowbar and smashed it in.
There was 'Bijah, peacefully lyln',
Inventin' a way to git out agin. That was
all very well to say,
But I don't b'lieve he'd have found It out if
I'd left him in all day.
Now, sence I've told you my story, do you
wonder I'm tired of my life?
Or think it strange I often wish I warn't an
inventor's wife?
E. T. Corbett, in Harper's Bazar.
HUMOR OF THE DAY.
Among the oldest of smokers
Chimneys. "Every cloud has its silver lining.1'
The boy who has the mumps can stay
away from school.
" I shall husband my resources," said
the rich woman when she married a poor
clerk. Merchant-Traveler.
When the palm of your hand itches it
is a sign that you are going to get some
money when you earn it.
A miss is not ns good as a mile, for a
miss has only two iect, while a mile has
5,280. Shoot the maxim maker. JLV-cliant-TraceUr.
Yu will observe this: Satan never offers
to go into partnership with a bizzy man,
but yu will often see him offer to jine the
lazy, and furnish all tho capital beside.
Josh Billings.
When uncle came to dinner ho always
said grace before meat, and tho little
truthseeker of five years asked, "Papa,
why don't you go to sleep and talk be
fore you eat, same as uncle does?"
The composer who writes a song en
titled " What's the Size of Your Father's
Boot?" should follow it with a dirgo
called, "Ho Has No Music iu His Sole."
Thus, he will be enabled to mako both
ends meet. Sitings.
" So you are married at last, Charlie.
I hear that your wife is a very energetic
woman nnd keeps things stirred up. Of
course you married her for love?" " No,"
said the husband, bracing up, "I married
her to cure my dyspepsia."
"Ma," said a thoughtful boy, "I don't
think that Solomon was so rich as they
say ho was." " Why, my dear?" " Be
cause tho Bible says ho slept with his
fathers, aud if ho had been so rich he
would havo had a bed of his own."
London Society,
"Oh, papa, dear, I wish you'd come
home. I'm really afraid mamma has
taken a drop too much." "Gracious
heavens, child, what do you mean?"
"That new Loma'pathic medicine, jtu
kuow. I'm afraid I've given lief Peveil
drops instead of six," 'irt,