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NO. 3i fiOHESTA, PA., WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 28, 1883. $1.50 PER ANNUM. fo, 'William, wo must go to ton n, and loavo the lrnr old place. Your Lair is gray, your form is brut, and srinkled is your fiioo; And wfTen I stand before the glas to put my collar on, I rnrco can foo to pin it straight, my night near gone, ii cn Fay we're growing okl, too old ; ,.r such hard work; Am U liel lio Mill tako the place you know lie's not a nil Irk And that young wife of hi. I think, is smart nsa queen bee; f-'he's light of foot, nud light of heart, and Bxh1 to you and me. They're suro to keep the farm in shape, and not let things run down; . Hut I'm uf raid we'll never lie content to live in town. You know tince Mary married we've been there on and off, And once I stayed a month or more, the spring I had that cough. Mary was goml nnd loving, and her husband ho was kind; But I got so tired and homo.dck I feared I'd lose my mind. It we' n't lock of company some one was always (hero You know tlat folks who live in town have lots of time to spare. The church was very handy, and I liked the 1 iiocher, too; And I 'tended all the meetings; what else had I to dof . JJut, oh! I long to hear the cows come lowing down the lane, And to h?ar tlio horses champing as they ate the golden grain; - And to heart lio l roud hens clucking, and the imthcr turkeys call The plias.iut minde of tho farm, I did fo miss Hull. And I longed t ) sco my garden, and tho ap ple tro.'S in bloom, Ami to pull tho clover blossoms and breathe their sweet jH-rfume, And, William, you'll bo likp me; you reed not laugh or frown, For you'll never bo content d to settlo down in town. Just think about it, William; it's forty years and more ISinfo you and I together left old Ohio's shore. . I mind as if 'twere yesterday, my mother'c tear-wet f.ice, Tho firm clasp of my father's hand, my sis ter's warm embrace; And ch! I never shrill forget how the prairie, w ide and vast, Stretched out before me, whfn you said, "AVcll, dear, here's home at last." Tho words seemed such a mockery, where nohing looked liked home, The very c'ouds secmol farther off, anl higher heaven's dome. Now as I look around mo on the fioMj of waving corn, The orchard and tho meadow, the farmhouse an i tho barn, AH the past comes up before me, I can fcj the cabin small. The littlo low-ronfet cabin, that 1 arcly held r.sall, And the lonely, lonely prairie, with not a house in sight; Ah! tho tears tint wet my pillow when you thought I slept at night. Yes, it's true we soon 1 a 1 neighbors; aid how . homelike it did seam, When of evenings f rom ot:r doorway we cc uld see their candles gh a n. Looking 'round upon thipruirie, where we watched that lonely light, Now from many a friendly window shine the earth stars dear an 1 bright, Dut no b: a?on to the sailor, homeward bound upon the s- a, Ever shone with bright. r luster than that twinkling light to mo. Then the children kept on cominj, 'till the ,C small hou-M overflowed, And their childish love and laughter hclpel us all along our road ; How we tailed both late an I early, and how, through a'l cur days, The dear God bioissi an ! prospered us; to Him be all tho pro'; e Then when we built the now house, what happy times vie hud, I'e ice ami plenty d.velt anion,' us, and the days were short and glad I know we lial our trials, crops would fail and sicltnesi com), And before death's awful proser.ca we hove bjwe 1 in anguish dumb; But we comforted ca h other, for we sai l; "His word is sure," Though we walk among the shadows, still " His i romises endure' Now the vhadows all arj lifd, we are in sweet " l'eu'uh land." And His pros Mice is about us, we can feel His guiding hand. It is hard to leave the farm but the children are a'l grown As we were when just wo wjdded, you and I are now alone. But, oh! the difference to us! then our lives 1 ad jiust b 'gun, And our lifework lay before us; new our life work's aim' st done. Why, thesuu is si tting, William. How fast tho (!asgo by, Bee those clout's of blue and crimson lying on the western sky. This world is very beautiful ; sometimess it seems to mo I can hardly b ar to have it; anl then, dear, when I too How feeble I am getting, I fe A ready quite to go, The children do not nesd me, ar.d you'll coma soon, I know. Low spirite i Ah, no, I'm not. "Hodoeth uil thiugs wed," u.l Lappy and Gol -fearing the children! ', round us dwel', 1 And I'm ready ready for the flitting, like tho kavos in nutumn brown But Tin afraid vo'll never be content to live in town. Mrs. A". V. Wilson, in Chicago Intcr-Ocean. PAID TO BE AX OLD MAID. I sat down on the velvet cushion nt mamma's fort, rumpling her snowy white wrapper in the attempt to put my head in tier lap, Mammn passed licr soft, smull hand over my disordered liuir. "What is tho mutter, my child?" she nsked. "I think it is this picture. I can't look nt it without envying Laura Des mond." "Hut why? You surely do not envy Laura her appearance." " But I do, mother. I don't like to bo called dark nnd piquant. I want to bo fair, nnd cnlm, nnd quiet." "Why, Ada, I nm amazed. Don't you know that a certuin gentleman admires brunettes?" ' Don't quote Theo. Rounsaville to me," I said, shortly. "Who cares for Ids opinion?' Now, the truth was I did enre for Ids opinion, nnd cared for it a great deal too much. At one time lie had been very nttentivo to me, and he was not only the handsomest and wealthiest, but nlso the most accomplished bachelor in tho neigh borhood. Hut I had nlTurted to bo indif ferent to liim until lie had transferred his attentions elsewhere. "But we were talking of Laura," I Paid. " She has every luxury nnd I am so dependent." "You know, my dear," said her mother, in a grave voice, "that Uncle Adam's house is yours as long ns you choose to remain here. I do not wish to have you marry, my daughter, except for love." "Fiddlesticks," paid I, inelegantly. " I tell you, nine women out of ten marry for homes, or for fear of being old maids. I believe Undo Adam is miserly. If ho would die nnd leave me a legacy, or leave me a few thousands, I would iive singlo all the days of my life." A door opened nnd Uulc Adam walked into the room. Uncle Adam was a rather old gentleman, but always good natured. 1 jumped up thoroughly nshamed of myself. But he only said: "Come, come, my little girl; this is pretty hard on your old uncle. I'm sorry you think me such a miser." "Oh, uncle," I pleaded, "please for give me. I don't mean that at all. I'm out of spirits, and that makes me un just." "Well, never mind," said Undo Adam, bust ling neross tho room and taking a seat. "Come here, Miss Ada.' Suppose I bribe you to be an old maid, eh? I will settle $10,000 on you now, on condition you live and die Ada Lyon, spinster. There!" " If you will forgive nnd forget all my ugly speeches, uncle," said I, "I'll agree to the condition with pleasure." " da!" said mother, faintly. "Let her alone, Agnes; let her alone," said Uncle Adam. " She shall take tho matter into due consideration. See here, Ada, I'll give you till to-night to think about it. Don't be rash. In order to escape being n miser I'll bribe heavily," mid Undo Adam marched out of the room. "Ada, come here," mother said al most in a whisper. "Look out; isn't that Theo. Hounsuville ?'' An open landau, drawn by two superb horses in gold-mounted harness, had just been driven ill) the avenue. "IIo has come to nsk you to drive with him," said my mother; "at least it looks so!" What a delightful day that was! AVc drove down to ,the beach. Then we went round through the pine woods. Then we came homo with tho sunset. My accepted lover bade me good-bye at the door and went down the avenue. "Well, Ada?" was mamma's inquiry. "All's well, mamma," I answered, laughing and blushing. " You will be a portionless bride, ro member, my darling." " Do you think Uncle Adam meant all that ?'' I jumped up. " I nin going now," I said. I laughed all the way down to the study. Uncle Adam was busily writing. " Take a seat, take a scat," he said, without looking up. "I'll have every thing ready in a few miuutes. What is your conclusion ?" " I'll sign it, uncle, but I'm afraid it will make me very unhappy." " Why, Ada, I thought it was the very thing to make you happy." " Yes. Uncle Adam," I said, having re course to my handkerchief, " but theu I don't want to live single." "Oho!" said he. " You've changed your mind. You don't want the money?" "Yes, I do," I exclaimed, with a hys terical little sob. "llovc him; but I won't marry him w ithout anything of my own. I'm ashamed." "Ada," ho said, severely, "tell me straight up nnd down whom do you love I" "Mr. Bounsavillc," said I, solemnly. " You are a foolish child," said L'nclc Adam, gently putting my head. "I knew Rounsaville was coming to-day. If you marry Rounsaville I'll give you $10000. " Will you, uncle?" I cried in ecstasy. "Don't cry anymore, then," he said, almost tenderly. "Kiss nie, my dear, and go tell your mother." And Undo Adam gave me, on my wedding day, the ten-thousand-dollur check with which originally he had bribed mo to be an old maid. flic Calj Baltimore is to have a pcrmancf hibition building f brick, murb iron, to cost about $.100,000. j PUNISHMENTS OF THE PAST. TERRIBLE TOST0BS3 IWrLICTED IS rORMER TIMES, ttow Ctmiiknl v-rr Hilrnrd, (licir-ti-iel, Jjt,brt"l, Sil'tril, Itiimciif tarnl, UoKUe anil I'lllorled. Talk about the severity of the punish ments nowadays! They nro nothing to what they were in the middle ages when there were, according to the learned writer on criminal cases, Josse Damhon dere, thirteen dilferrnt ways In w hich the executioner could .inflict punishment. They wero fire, the sword, mechanical force, quartering, the wheel, the fork, the gibbet, drawing, spiking, cutting oil the cars, dismembered, flogging, or beating nnd the pillory. Torture by lire wns horrible, and was managed by the executioners with u ma lignity that was as comprehensive ns It was pointed. The victim to be burned was dressed in a shirt smeared with sul phur, having been stripped of all his other clothes. A stake was driven into tho spot where the burning was to take pince, nna alternate layers of straw piled up to about the height of a man. There was a narrow opening lending to the stake, to which the victim wns led, nnd this passageway was tilled up with straw, so that the victim, securely bound to the stake by chains, was completely surrounded by the combustibles. Tho living were not always burned to death, but frequently the party was first strangled, and at other times n large iron pike or bar was so arranged ns to fall upon and kill him before tho burning began. The bodies of those who died a natural deatli were burned, nnd if, nfter a person's burial, his guilt was proved, his bones were disinterred nnd carried to thestake fur burning. Fire wns the pun ishment in cases of heresy or blasphemy. Denth by decapitation used to be per formed by either a two-handed sword or nn ax. The victim wns allowed to choose whether he would have his eyes blindfolded or not, nnd the skill of the executioner wns usually so great that the head came off nt a single blow. Not al ways, however, for there are instances where the bungling body-chopper whacked away eleven times at the head of the unfortunate victim. Tho party sometimes knelt, placing his head on the block, and nt other times knelt in nn up right position. The executioner was not always held in the odium that attaclies to the Mar woods, Jack Ketches nnd Calcrafts of modern times. In France, Italy and Spain a certain amount of odium at tached to them, but in Germany success fully carrying out n number of sentences was rewarded by titles nnd the privi leges of nobility. In Franconia tho last councilor to get married was execu tioner. In Franco he possessed certain privileges, such ns right to have nil tho grain he could take hold of and hold in his hand, beside the right to collect toll on foreign traders nnd boats ni riving with fish. Quartering was probably the most hor rible death penalty ever concocted by the fiendish ingenuity of the judges. It is of very ancient origin, though in modern times has been only inflicted on regi cides, who are looked upon as commit ting the worst of crimes. As n sort of salad for this punishment the victim un derwent preliminary tortures, such ns having his right hund cut oil nnd the mutilated stump burnt in a pot of sul jihur. Then again his arms, thighs or breast were lacerated with red-hot pincers and hot oil, pitch or molten lead poured into tho wounds. After these preliminaries a rope was attached to each limb of tho criminal, one being bound around each leg from tho foot to the knee, and around each arm from tho wrist to the elbow. These ropes wero then attached to four bars, to each of which a stout horse was harnessed. Tho horses first gave short jerks, nnd when the unfortunate man shouted in agony, feeling his limbs dislocuted with out being broken, the four horses were till of a sudden whipped up nnd urged in different directions. ' If tho tendons, muscles and ligaments still resisted the power of the horses, the executioner cut the joints with a hatchet. This per formance sometimes lasted several hours, nnd when the limbs were all pulled apart they were collected and placed near the trunk and burned. Sometimes the sen tence read that tho limbs should be rent to tho four quarters of tho kingdom, in which ense each was separately labeled and dispatched. Tho torture of the wheel, which does not date back further in modern times than the days of Francis I., is thus de scribed: Tho victim was- first tied on his back to two joists, forming a St. Andrew's cross, each of his limbs being stretched out. Two places wero hol lowed out under each limb about a foot apart in order that the joints alone might touch the wood. The executioner then dealt a heavy blow over cadi hollow with a square iron bar about two inches broad and rounded at the handle, thus breaking each limb in two places. To the right blows required for this the ex ecutioner generally added two or three on the chest, which were called coups do grace, and which ended this horrible torture. After death the broken body iwas placed on a wheel which revolved on a pivot. Sometimes the victim was strangled first, in which case it wascalled garroting. The nobility of Spaiu are thus executed. The criminal sits on a chair, his neck in an iron collar hiid his head against a beam. The executioner turns a screw, and the spinal column is dislocated, and death is speedy. The modern gallows is by no manner of means the ancient gib!;et. Down to tho French revolution gibbets used to stand in every French town and village. They were generally composed of pillars of stone, joined nt the summit by wooden traverses, to which the bodies of male factors hung until they had crumbled to dust. That of Montfnucon, which is so famous in history, stood on nn eminence by the high road leading to Germany. It consisted of n muss of masonry composed Of tell r)r twelve layers of rough stones, and formed an indosurc of forty Uy twenty-five or .thirty feet. At tho upper pnrt wns a platform, reached by a stone staircase. In the center of the inclosuro was n deep pit, where, pell-mell, tho skeletons wero thrown. Crows, carrion and buzzards flew about nnd fed upon tho corpses, nnd the stench wns horrible. As many ns fifty-two were sometimes hang ing at once. Sometimes the remains hung in wicker baskets or iron caskets. Tho victim rode in a cart to the gibbet, and when the cart arrived at the foot the executioner ascended the ladder backward, drawing the culprit after him by means of ropes, and on arriving at the top he quickly fast ened two ropes the size of the little finger, each having a slip knot, around his neck, to the arm of the gibbet, nnd by a jerk of the knee he turned the cul prit off the ladder, lie still held in his hand n small rope called a get, used to pull the victim off the ladder, lie then placed his feet on the hands of the con demned, nnd, suspending himself by his hands to the gibbet, he finished his vic tim by repeated jerks, which completed strangulation. Flogging was adminis tered in two wnvs first in prison, by tho hands of the jailer, nnd second in pub lic. In the latter case the criminal was stripped to the wnist, nnd at ench cross road ho received a certain number of blows over his shoulders and back with a cane or knotted rope. Tho latter was composed of several ropes attached to a handle, nnd nt intervals of n few inches on the ropes were knots which were nrmed with iron prongs. The pillory was the punishment adopted to make criminals infamous. It consisted of a scaffold or covered shed, nnd was provided with chains nnd iron collars. In Paris the pillory used to con sist of a round stone tower sixty feet high, which stood in the market place. The tower had large openings in its thick walls, nnd a horizontal wheel was provided which could be turned on a pivot. The wheel wns filled with holes large enough to admit of the head of the prisoner, who on passing nnd repass ing before the crowd could be seen by all, and was subject to their Lootings, howls nnd blackguardisms. Beside these punishments some crimi nals were flayed alive, and some put into a sack nnd drowned by immersion. Counterfeiters wero sometimes hurled into kettles of boiling oil or water, and others were branded by passing a red hot brazier before tho eyes of the crimi nal until the scorching Lent blinded them. Thus it will be seen that the punishments of the nineteenth century compared with those that our nncestors endured nro mere child's play. Torture which figured so prominently ns a means of punishment in the middle ages is now virtually done away with. Death by tho the gallows is rarely prolonged over three quarters of a minute. In fact, in punish ment, as in everything else, civilization and a refined sentiment have combined to make death for the malefactor as painless ns possible. Cincinnati Enquirer. 1'PUl'ls. "Have there been any attempts tc force tho growth of pearls ?" asked 8 reporter of a dealer. "A good many," the dealer replied. "The famous naturalist Linmeus, after observing the efforts of tho oyster to repel invasion, thought that by boring the shell, in fact, imitating the parasite, he could force thoir growth, and to this end the Swedish government paid him $1,800; but it was ft complete failure. Tho Chinese are, however, successful. They seed their oysters and produce small pearls, and, by placing figures oi images in tho shell, they become fastened nnd covered with a pearly luster in time. This trick was used by the Buddhists for a long time, the instigators pretending that it was a natural growth. In Japan tho oysters are salted, particularly tho fresh-water mussel uno hyna." " Are there many imitations in the market ?" " Yes, there are always more or less, but probably not ns many as in former years. There was a bogus pearl manu factory carried on at Murano, a small town near Venice, for many years, nnd some of their work could only be de tected by experts. The base or shape was made of glass, tho rich iridescence or orient being given by an application of quicksilver. The best imitations, however, are made from the scales of certain fishes, as the smelt of the Tiber in Italy, and the megolops of our own Eastern and Southern coast. There is no limit to the price of pearls. They are like diamonds; the larger nnd finer the shape and orient the more they cost. Here is a table that expressed the av erage prices a few years ago for the best quality of pearls:" 1'earls of three urains $ 8 00 1'earls of four grains 4 27 IVarls of live grains 7 44 1'earls of s x grains 10 IS 1'earls of eiht grains 17 !iU 1'earls of ten grains H." 85 Pearls of twelve gra ns 51 MJ 1'earls of fourt nii grains 74 !). 1'earli of sixtoen grains !3 74 1 e ;ris of eighteen grains 140 01, Pearls of twenty giuins ImI ti; Pearls of twenty-lour grains 2'U .V. Pearls of thirty grain 418 DO A Lonsr-Nuiled Kin?. Karl 1., king of Siam, is a most extraordinary-looking man, or rather boy, for he is but twenty years of age. Tho most remarkable fact concerning him is the inordinate length of his nails, each of w hich measures about half a yard. This deformity is considered by tho Siamese as an attribute of sovereignty, and, of course, reduces the monarch to a state of absolute helplessness. He can do nothing for him: clf and is obliged to have recourse in every instance to his aide-de-camp. FASHION NOTES. Leather bonnets nro among millinery novelties. Epaulet trimmings nro much worn by young girls. The Shaker poke is tho latest fancy in big bonnets. Hats have high crowns and small brims, or else moderate crowns and broad brims. Moss green, reseda, sage green and all shades of dark greeu tire very fash ionable. Many new felt hats arc high crowned with narrow brims and the trimmings all on one side. Egyptian red is the most lasting of nil the a'sthetic colors; it will be ns popular ns ever this winter. Velvet epaulets mounted on stiff muslin nnd wire appear on many hand some imported dinner costumes. There is n tendency toward the re vival of colored wraps for occasions of high ceremony nud for carriage wear. The most exclusive nnd fashionable dressmakers of Paris announce the revival of the short waists of the first umpire. Wide worsted braids are much used in trimming fall suits. Sometimes ft line of fine gold soutache edges tho wide brnid, but this is only for house wear. Among tho new winter materials are woolens, with patterns in chenille ; these patterns are flowers or leaves in cameo shades on plain grounds; some are out lined in fiDe cords around the chenille figure. Among the fall novelties in neckwear are ottoman silk scarfs, woven in odd antique patterns showing nn artistic in termingling of scarlet, green, bronze nnd bright gold. These scarfs are to be fast ened up close in tho throat outside tho street jacket, nnd are tied in the same manner ns tho steenkirk of white laco worn two years ago a style of neck dressing closely imitating that worn by noblemen nnd gentlemen in tho reign of Charles II. Many of the newest pelerines are opened on the shoulders and strapped neross with tiny bands nnd buckles, or buttons with cords laced in nnd out. Others are draped on one shoulder, then carried over and fastened on the other with a bow, and floating ends of satin ribbon run through a gold or silver slide. There are also graduated capes, the edge of each finished with a delicate vine pat tern in embroidery or braiding in tine arabesque designs. Traveling: in Spain. Charles Dudley Warner says in the Atlantic Monthly : The real Spain is the least attractive country in Europe to the tourist. Tho traveler goes there to see certain unique objects. Ho sees them, enjoys them, is entranced by them, leaves them with regret and a tender memory, and is glad to get out of Spain. There nre six things to see: the Alhambra, the Seville cathedral and Alcazar, the Mosque of Cordova, Toledo and its cathedral, the Gallery nt Madrid, and Monserrat. The rest is mainly monotony and weariness. With the exception of the Alhambra, which has a spell that an idle man finds hard to break, nnd where perhaps he could be content indefinitely, there is no place in Spaiu that one can imagine ho would like to live in, for the pleasure of living. Taking out certuin historical features nnd monuments, tho towns re pent ench other in their attractions and' their disagreeables. Every town nud city in Italy hns its individual character and special charm. To go from one to another is always to change the scene nnd the delight. This is true of the old German towns nlso. Each has u character. Tho traveler sees mnuy a place in each coun try where he thinks ho could stay on from mouth to month, w ith ft growing home-like feeling. 1 think there is noth ing of this attraction in Spain. The want of it may be due to the country it self, or to the people. I fancy that with its vast arid plains, treeless und tiresome, its gullied hills nnd its bare escarped mountains, Spain resembles New Mexico. It is an unsoftened, unrelieved landscape for the most part, sometimes grand in its vastness und sweep, but rugged nnd un adorned. The want of grass and gentle verdure is a serious drawback to the pleasure of the eye, not compensated by the magic tricks of the sunlight, and the variegated reds, browns and yellows of the exposed soil and rocks, and tho spring-timo green of tho nascent crops. 1 speak, of course, of the general aspect, for the mountain regions are rich in wild flowers, and the cultivation in the towns is everywhere a redeeming feature. Dog-Stealing in New York. "It is the people that have access to the swell houses, such as men that carry in coal and wood, and tho butchers' and grocers' boys, who are willing to pick up a dollar in any way, who spot tho pets and tell the thieves. The thieves then pipe the servant girl off, and know just when sho will be coming out to sweep the steps. The 'pick-ups' always have a do along with them hanging around tho railings. Out comes the pet and the next day there is nn advertisement for a ' lost dog.' " Tho ones as owns the dogs take on awful. They go crazy. They can't eat, and make it red hot for every one. The servant girl gets discharged, and there is more ' boohooing ' going on than at a tirst-dass funeral. All the gents in tho house gets no rest. They are sent to the police stations and instructed to go whistling all over tho city and never come back without Fido. The gents are fly and go but they always lays up ut Dclmonico's or some such place until after bedtime, nnd some of them wish Fido was lov.t.onct) a fortnight. Why, I kc.ow one ti!'jp that took u week's holi day off 0. lilll'L llliil t:in tmrinv tint t..,.-iU . l r rrj " " , v . w store-room." lAVio York lkruU. THE IVY. Tushing the clods of eartli asi le, Leaving the dnrk where foul things liidav Spreading its leave) to the summer sun, Bon Inge endo 1, freedom won; Ho, my soul, like tho ivy b?, t Rise, for the sunshine calls for the Climbing up a tin sea tons go, Looking down upon tho things below Twining itself in the branchoi high, As if the frail thin; ow.iod the sky; 8o, my soul, like the ivy bs, Heaven, not earth, is ths place for thee. Wrapping it elf around a giant oalt, Hiding itself from the tsmpest's stroke; Strong and h ave is the fragile thing, r it knows one secret how to cling; So, my sml, there's strength for thee, Hear tb.3 Mighty One, " Lean on me."" Green are its leaves when the world is white, For the ivy s'ngs thrJu?h the frosty night; Keeping the hearts of oak awake, Till the flowers Bhnll bloom and tho spring shall break; Ho my soui, through the winter's rain Sing the sunshine bjck again. Opening its green and fluttering breast, Giving the timid birds a nest; Coming out from the winter wild To make a wreath for th3 holy child; Fo let my life, like the ivy. be A help to mau and a wreath for thee. Henry llenton, in Good H'orcfs. HUMOR OF THE DAY. Very soon the piano cover will be taken off nt night nnd used for a quilt. Puck. Autumn seems to have a sky ' As ruddy as the pumpkin-pie. Puck. No matter how long the Mississippi river may be when confined to its bed it never gets down in the mouth. Pica yune. The boy who bit into a green apple remnrked with a WTy face; " 'Twas ever thus fa childhood sour." Somcrcilh Journal. Why isn't the force of argument tried with burglars, seeing that, as a rule, they are all more or less open to conviction? Funny Folks. "Inquirer:" Y'cs, it is unlucky to have thirteen at table when you have only 'made preparations for twelve. liochester Post,-Ej'prei. It is said that there are nearly foui hundred millionaires in New Y'ork. Wre didn't suppose there were so many edi tors in that city. Xorristoicn JkralJ. A mnn, lately mnrried, was asked nt the club nbout his bride, " Is she pretty?" No," replied he; "she is not; but she will be when her father dies!" " Isn't it singular," said a visitor gaz ing at Niagara Fulls, "that the little moisture that arises from that vast cata ract should be mist ?" Saturday Xiyht. It is said that . " out of every 100 fe male school-teachers iu Lawrence county seven marry every year." . How nwful it must be for those seven women to marry every year ! Lomll Courier. This is the time of tho year at which a man goes wandering through the clothes chest to see if his old overcoat i.s all 'right, and finds that it has been cut into strips nnd is being worked up into a rng carpet. , . "Humph! a self-mado man, is he?'' . rejoined Mrs. Yeast, who had evidently Siad some experience with the gentleman in question; " well, nil J'vo got to say is that he's a mighty poor workman 1" (Sf(fca(i((. "No, indeed; there's no place like home," sighed the married man who tripped over the coalscuttle and fell into it washtub while fumbling around for a match to light the kitchen lire.AVw York Journal. This is just about the date at which tho female school-teacher has succeeded in corraling all the penknives that the boys in her class secured -during their vacation. Thus it is that the small brother of the .school-teacher never has to purchase n pen-knife, a top, or a marble. Puck. A health journal says "too thick un derclothing causes unnatural redness in the face and nose." If a person buys his underclothing by tho gallon, nnd puts a tumblerful into his vital parts too thick, it probably does have that effect. Beware of underclothing that comes in jugs. Peck's Sun. A Milwaukee belle attending a theatre in New Y'ork city recently complained in one of tho scenes that tho light was too dim to see the acting properly. " Won't you try this glass r" asked her escort, handing her his lorgnet. Hastily cover ing tho suspicious-looking object with her handkerchief, she placed it to her lips, took a long pull, and then handed it back in great disgust, saying, " Why, there ain't a drop in it." Chicayt lLrald. THE PARIS GREEN APPLE. A b o y I see all full of glee ho;-aue he's in nil apple tree. His eve so keen has quickly s- en t he fruit which is a trille (.Toeu. Iu great delight he ta';e a bile and thou eats Willi nil his mi;,'ht until tlie tree is strip) el and he is just as full an he tan Ik'. His fun is criwncd. When all a r on n d he's spre ad a' tout upon the ground. They l.a 1 to prc.vs voa ruiy well guess hi i coflln like the letter S. Iluchexter Chronicle. A young woman ut Grinncll, Iowa, was followed home by u youth she disliked. She warned him to leave her, but, us ho persisted in his attentions, she hit him on tho head with a quart bottle of patent luediciue whidi she carried. It wa.-, the quickest patent medicine cure ever advertised. I