RATES OF ADVERTISING.
J. E. WENK.
(J, Hoe in 8merbugh A Oo.' Building,
ELM STREET, - TIONESTA, PA.
tsrms, i.ro ricit yeaii.
No tnbaoription received for ft ehorter period
lhan three month.
Oorreepondenot olicited from 11 prtiof tin
country. No notice will betaken of anonymou
communlruitiotm.
THE MODEL AMERICAN aiRC
A practical, plain young girl ;
Kot-afraid-of-llio-rain young girl
A poetical posy,
A ruddy and rosy,
A helper-of-elf young girl.
At-home-ta-her-placo young girl j
A tievc.will-lno3 young g.rl ;
A toiler serene,
A life pare nnd U-an,
A irincoss--pcace young yirl (
A woar-heT-own-hair young girl j
A reoTYom-astare youug girl (
Improve every hour,
No sickly sunflower,
A wealth-of -rare-sense young girl.
Flenty-room-in-her-shnos young girl J
No iudulger-in-blaea young girl j
Not a bang on her brow,
To fraud not a bow,
She's a just-what-sho-seems young girl.
Not a reader-of-trash young girl J
Not a sheap jewel-flash young girl
Not a sipper of ruin,
Not a ohewer of gum,
A marvel-ofoenso young girl.
An early-retiring young girl ;
An motive, aspiring young girl
A morning ariser,
A dandy despiser,
A progressiva American girl.
A lover-of-prose young girl ;
Not a turn-np-your-nose yonng girl 5
Not given to splutter,
Not "utterly nttor," '
Bnt a matter-of-faot young girl.
A rightly-ambitious young girl ;
Bed-lips-roost-delioious young girl ;
A sparkling clear eye,
That says, " I will try,"
A sure-to-suocoed young girl.
An honestly-courting young girl ;
A never-seen-flirting young girl
A quite and pure,
A modest demure,
A fit-for-a-wif e young girl ;
Aeought-everywhero young girl)
v A future-most-fair young girl J
An ever discreet,
We too seldom meet 1
This queen-among-queens yonng girl.
Virgil A, Pinkley, inCincinnati Enquirer
g .. .
UNDER FALSE COLORS.
" A literary man, ch ?' said Octavia
Glenn. "Author of 'Stray Leaves'
and Floating Fancies !' Then why in
the name of all the muses and graces
Isn't he about hi3 work ?"
Little Fernanda drew herself
with some excitement.
up
' He is having his spring vacation,"
eaiu sne. lie is resting ins over
wearied brain a little, before the public
shall become clamorous for more,
-writings ironi nis pen."
" Oh 1" said Octavia.
" Yes," nodded her younger sister.
"And, oh, Octavia, you can't think
how charming he is I I have always
Bighed to know an author. And he isn't
a bit conceited or Bet up 1"
"Isn't he?"
"Not a particle. He has written
his autograph in my album, and given
tee a copy of ' Floating Fancies.' And
Mary Martinez is quito wild about
him. And, Octy "
"Well?"
"Please don't say anything about
the store," coaxed Fernanda. "1 have
given him to understand that you are
taking a course of lessons in music and
thorough bass. It i.-n t genteel to be a
shop-girl, you know, and "
"Hoity toityl" said Octavia, with a
toss of her really handsome head.
" This is a pretty stata of things, and
all abouj a man who writes bnkx.
Isn't it just as genteel for me to sell
buttons and co'ogne and lace barbes
as it is for him to sell his writingn?
And haven't I a right to earn my own
living in any way that 1 choose?!
Fernanda, I didn't think vou were such i
a goos 1"
" He is very particular about such
things," said Fernanda. " lie didn't
want an introduction to Melissa l'lu nib
after he heard that she worked in the
factory."
"More fool he!" said Octavia,
crisply.
"lie is a gentleman, you know,"
pleaded Fernanda.
"l'shaw !" said Octavia.
"Octy's right Octy's right, my
dear." said old Grandfather Glenn, who
had been sitting so still in his arm-chair
near by that neither of tho girls sun-1
posed that the subject of their dis-!
course was known to him. ' A true
gentleman honors the woman as earns :
her own bread. There's a deal of
electroplate in this world, and some of j
it is laid on so skillful you can't dis-!
tinguish it from real silver. Hut the !
silver's silver for all that, and the !
other's only humbug !"
Having uttered which oracular sen
tences old Mr. Glenn once more re
lapsed into silence.
"Grandpa is so queer!" said Fer
nanda, with an injured expression of
countenance. " Hut you'll promise me,
won't you, dear ?"
Hut Oetavia only laughed, and went
out into the kitchen to see iJ the bread
was light enough for tho ovT-n.
Mr. Fitz Arragon was certainly
rather handsome. He was dressed
very elegantly, also; he wore what
was (ithwr a diamond or a very ex
cellent imitation of one on his linger,
and his cravats were simply superb.
He looked at Oetavia Glenn with som;
interest when they wtre introduced.
Vou are to ui 'id- music ' he said.
S w M
VOL. HI. HO. 11.
in that soft, insinuating way which
Fernanda found so irresistible.
"I don't object to it," said Octavia,
bluntly.
"It'a n divine Rift," said Mr. Fitz
Arragon. ' May 1 ask if you are tak
ing lossons from Ferrani or Agra
monte ?"
" Neither one of 'em," said Octavia.
And at that juncture Fernanda
hurried the literary man away to look
ttt it beautiful duster of trailing ar
butus which some one had just
brought in from the woods.
"There's no telling what (My
would blurt out if you once gave her
the chance, said she
And she did not breathe Ireely until i
1.. 1 1 rt. 11 1 t j-. i .... 1
Octavia had left the old farmh use an I
gone back to her duties in the big
fancy store on Twenty-third street.
Octavia herself felt a it some dis
agreeable pressure were removed from
her existence. She was a frank, noble
natured girl, who was saving up her
earnings to pay off the mortage on old
Grandfather Glenn's farm.
She delighted l:i work, not only for
1
its own sake, but for the beneficial re
sults it could rduce; and she had
sufficient of courage and self-denial to
live plainly until her object was at
tained.
She occupied a tireless hall bedroom
in a shabby little downtown boarding
house, patronized mostly by the guild
of working people, whoso only recom
mendation was its scrupulous neat
ness.
She wore cotton gloves, dyed-over
gowns and tho plainest of plain bon
nets, and through it all she respected
herself.
Stay, though we have not told it
all I There was one extravagance in
which Octavia Glenn occasionally in
dulged herself that of charity. She
had a class of innocent-faced children
in the mission school, of an evening,
and she was a diligent worker in the
ranks of a quiet benevolent Fociety,
which wrought a great deal of good
without any blowing of trumpets.
And one day when the feeble old
porter at the store fell ill and his place
was vacant, Octavia Glenn constituted
herself a committee of one to inquire
into the matter.
" Of course you can do as you like,
Miss Glenn, said Mr. Idem, tlie pro
prietor of the store. "Hut lerngan
lives in a most dismal neighborhood,
and I'm not sure that it is altogether
?afe for you to venture there after
dark."
" After dark is all the time I have,
stud Octavia, brusquely. "And it
must be a great deal worse to live
there than to ko once in awhile. 1
think 111 risk it."
So she begged permission from the
boarding-house keeper to make a little
farina jelly over the cooking-stove
when the heavy,' blackberry dump
lings, which were to regide the boarders
for dessert, were takm up, bought
few strawberries and a small slice of
sponge-cake, and set forth to visit old
Ftrrigan, the porter.
It was a dismal neighborhood, in
deed, where the poor old man lived
a neighborhood where piles of ashes in
the narrow street made a sort of model
of tho Itoeky mounta ns, on a small
scale, and layers of cabbage-leaves and
damaged lettuce festered in the gutte
where rivulets of soapsuds trickled
acros the pavement; sind there ap
peart d to be more feeble groceries
than there were people. The very
gaslights sulked behind their' cloudy
laiteins, and tho occasional passers
prowled by like homeless cats.
"Number ninety-nine." said Oc-
tavia, briskly walking into a thread-
and-needle store, where an old woman
sat fast asleep behind the counter.
"Does Mr. Ferrigan board here?
The old woman roused herself and
looked about.
Second lloor back," said she, and
inst mtly fell asleep again
Oi'tivin. smiled.
! " I can find my way myself, I don't
! doubt," she thought.
I And she did.
I The whole house seemed to be damp.
! Blotches of blue mold had broken out
j here and there on the ceiling, the walls
j felt damp and clammy to the touch, as
if Oetavia had put her hand by mis
take on a snail ; vegetable-scented
j whiffs came up now and then from
i the cellar, and the room in which old
Ferrigan lay gasping with rheumatic
pains felt more like a dungeon than
anything else.
No carpet was there, no table, only
a shelf, where a dispirited kerosene
lamp had smoked its chimney into a
black cylinder; no chairs, tho window
uncurtained; and the shabby bed
spread was tattered and soiled until
its pattern was beypnd all recognition.
Octavia's bouI recoiled from this im
personation of hopeless poverty.
" (.'an 1 do anything for you, Mr.
Ferrigan?" she asked, after she had
tenderly administered the farina-jelly,
the fruit and the sponge cake, straight
ened up the bedclothes and trimmed
the lamp afresh.
"It's very good of you, 1 am sure,"
said the old man, with the plaintive
', courtay of hi3 nation. " And 1 11 not
; deny it was a word of comfort and
kindness that I was wearying for.
i Hut it won't be needful long, I'm
' hoping. I've sent wo'd to my Hon
I he's a bookbinder, miss, and doing well
at bis trade, but it is natural like, don't
vou see? as he wouldn't like to be
dragged down
1 Jug us me !"
by tmeh a useless old
TIONESTA, PA., WEDNESDAY, JUNE 13, 1883.
" But he is your son, isn't he ?" crie
Octavla 1 " mid you're hi i father?"
I " rnlth, and that's true, miss, dear.'
said old Ferrigan, with a t-lgh. " Hi!
he's a line, ambitions young man 1
rale gintlenian to look nt, and of t
Sunday you couldn't tell him from tin
gentry "themselves. An' ho ma
marry a grand lady yet who knows:
tuvLhc wouldn't like me tobespoilin'
his chances. So I just keep dark, Miss
(ilenn ; an' sometimes I think Lord
forgive mo! that I'd be better dead
an' out of the way. I'.ut. I sent won!
to him day before yesterday. An'
he'll come I think he 11 come 1 the
old man Added, with A scarcely audible
HiK''
t that moment a careless step 1
came up tho stairs the door wai I
pushed open and a tall figure strode in.
" Sick again !" said a petulant tone,
" It appears to me, old gentleman, that
it's your chief mission in life to make
trouble for other people. Well, what
is it now ? If it's money you want,
you may aa well understand, lirst as
ast, tnat x can't let you nave any.
You'll have to swallow that absurd
prejudice of yours against charitable
institutions, or "
He stoppe l short, impelled by the
hurried gesture of the old man's
hand.
' Somebody's here ?" said he, peer
ing through the semi-darkness.
elL why couldn t you say so ? V ho
is it? The old hag downstairs, or "
It is I, Mr. Fitz Arragon," said
Octavia, quietly advancing " Octavia
Glenn."
Oh, I beg a thousand pardons !"
said Mr. Ferrigan Fitz Arragon, hur
riedly assuming his "company " man
ners. " If I could have imagined that
such an honor as this was in store for
me"
I don't know what you mean by
such honors," said Octavia, bluntly.
I am a working girl ; you are a book
binder. We have neither of us any
reason to be ashamed of our calling ;
vet I se3 no necessity for fine language
and stilted titl 's. Your poor old father
is very ill, and sjenis to be in need of
the commonest necessities of lite. I
Suppose you sell your diamond ring
and help him (
Tli at was the end or Mr. ritz
Arragon's pretensions. He never
came back to the country solitudes
aain, to Fernanda Glenn's bitter dis
a; pointment.
15ut how could he face them all.
after it was discovered that his "author
ship" of "Stray Leaves" and " Float
ing Fancies" was confined only to
putting the covers on the same, and
that the real author was a stout, short,
old gentleman in spectacles, and that
even hi name was a fabrication of his
own ingenious brain ?
Old Mr. Ferrigau died. Perhaps, as
he himself had hinted, it was the best
and wisest thing he could do.
But Octavia Glenn's kindness and
watchful care soothe! his last hours,
and she had the satisfaction of getting
the price of a decent funeral out of
the ambitious son.
, ' A jay in borrowed plumage !" she
thought. "I never despised any one
8 much in my life !"
And when Fernanda bewailed her
delusion, old Grandfather Glenn only
smiled.and said:
" Didn't I tell you that he was only
electro-plated?"
The Prevention of Insanity.
Dr. Nathan Allen, of Lowell, Mass., I
in a pamphlet on the subject, calls at-1
tention to the prevention of insanity
ai a question which, although much
negle ted, is at least quite as important 1
as that of the cure of insanity. The j
disease is very largely dependent on
physical and sanitary conditions, and
these should be studied out and brought
within such regulation as will prevent
its development. Since, a -cording to
the late Sir James Goxe, insanity
originates in some form of disease or
in a deterioration of the body rather
tl:an in an exclusive affection of the
nervous system, its growth should be
checked by a general diffusion of the
knowledge of the laws of the human
organism and the use of all means
necessary for the preservation of good
health. So far as insanity is heredi
tary, its transmission should bo pre
vented by avoiding marriage with
persons predisposed to it. It should be
the aim of the medical profession to
become so well acquainted with the
diseases of the nervous system and the
brain that they could detect the lirst
symptoms of disturbed or deranged
states of mind, so as to be able to'treat
them understanding, and, in all
probability, in many cases successfully
Popular Suh nes Mo 11 tidy.
Under the Hatband. j
Gentlemen should never fail to iu-:
vestigate beneath the sweat bands of !
their new hats. These bands are !
stitched in by girls, and it has come to i
be quite a common tiling for them to '
either write their name and address on j
the iuside of the band, or to write it, 1
sometimes including a little note, upoiij
a slip of paper stitched in. If a girf;
is of an aspiring nature she honors 1
unly the most expensive hats with her
name; but oftentimes the name of a
don't-c are girl may be found in the
plainest kind of a felt s'oueh. It is
authoratively stated th it several good
matches have been cemented upon the
basis of a hatband nt.--M'o'v-tM-,&
4m,ii,
THE BAD BOY AND THE HAND
ttfl GETS UP A SEZtCrfAOS IW HOMOR
Of HIS FA,
TliB Old (lanllrttlnu Knlcrlnlns tun Hrrrm
HtlcH With Siirprh nni IHTrrahiili nts'.
fti-rloriTroiiht6 nt Ihe.t'hnfrH.
"What was it I heard about a band
serenading your father, and his invit
ing them in to lunch?" said the gro
cery man to the bad boy
" Don't let that get out. or pa will
kill me dead. It was a joke. One. of
these Bohemian bands that goes about
town playing tunes, for pennies, was
over on the next street, and I told pa
I guessed some of his friends who had
heard we had a baby at the house had
hired a band and was coming in a few
minutes to serenade him, and he better
prepare to make a speech. Pa is proud
of being a father at his age, and he
thought it was no more than right for
the neighbors to serenade him, and he
went to loading himself for a speech,
in the library, and me and my chum
went out and told the lender of the
band there was a family up there that
wanted some music, and they didn't
care for expense, so they quit blowing
where they was and came right along.
None of them could understand Eng
lish except the leader.and he only under
stood enough to go and take a drink
when he is invited. My chum steered
the band up to our house and got them
to play 'Babies on our Blo k,' and
'Baby Mine,' and I stopped ail the men
who were going home and told them
to wait a minute and they would see
some tun, so when tlie Dami got
through t'..- second tune, and the
Prus dans were emptying the beer out
of the horns, and pa stepped out on
the porch, there was more nor a
hundred people in front of the house.
You'd a dide to 3ee pa w hen he put
his hand in the breast of his coat, and
struck an attitude. He looked like a
congressman, or a tramp. The band
was scared, 'cause they thought lie
was mad, and some of them were
going to run, thinking he was going
to throw pieces of br;ck house at them,
but my chum and the leader kept
them. Then pa sailed in. He com
menced, 'Fellow titizens,' and then
went away back to Adam and Eve
and worked up to the present day
giving a history of the notable people
who had a 'quired children, and kept
the crowd interested. I felt sorry for
pa. cause I knew how he would feel
when he i ame to find out he had been
sold. The Bohemians in the band that
couldn't understand English, they
looked at each other, and wondered
what it was all about, and finally pi
wound up by saying that it was every
citizen's duty to own hildren of his
own, and then ho invited the band and
tho crowd in to take some refresh
ments. "Well, you ought to have seen
that band come in tue lions'1. They
fell over each other getting in, and
the crowd went home, leaving
ia and inv chum and me
and the band. Eat? "Well
I should smile. They just reached for
tilings, and talked Bohemian. Drink
Oh.no. I gu' ss they didn't pour it
down. Pa opened a dozen bottles of
champagne, and they fairly bathed in
it, as though they had a fire inside.
Pa tried to talk with them about the
baby, but they couldn't understand,
and finally they got full and started
out, and tlie leader asked pa for three
dollars, and that broke him up. Pa
told the leader he supposed the gentle
men who had got up the serenade had
paid for the music, and the leader
pointed to ine and said I was the
gentleman that got it up. Pa paid
him, but lie had a wicked look in his
eye, .and me and my chum lit out,
and the Bohemians came down
the street bilin' full, with their horns
on their arms, and they were talking
Bohemian for all that was out. They
stopped iu front of a vacant house and
began to play, but you couldn't tell
what tune it was, they were so full.
and a policeman came along and drove
them home. 1 guess I will sleep :-t
the livery stable to-night, cause pa is
1 off ul unreasonable when anything
: costs him threa dollars, beside the
j champagne. '
I " Well, you have made a pretty mess
j of it," said the grocery man. "It's a
j wonder your pa does not kill you. But
what is it I I. ear a'lout tlie trouiiU a'
the church ? They lay that fo dishness
to you."
" It's a lie. They lay everything to
m It was some of them ducks that
sing in the choir. I was just as much
surprised as anybody when it occurred.
You see, our minister is laid up from
the effect of the ride to the funeral,
when he tried to run over a street car,
and an old deaon, who had symptoms
of being a minister in li s youth, was
invited to take the minister's place
and talk a little. He is an absent
minded old party, who don't keep up
with the events "of Aus day, and who
ever played i', on hi. 1 knew that he
was too pious to even read the daily
papers. There was a notice of a choir
meeting to b re id and I think the
tenor smuggled in the other notice,
between that and the one about thi
weekly prayer meeting. After the
deacon read ' t he choir notice he took
up the other one and read, ' I am re-qu'-sted
to announce that tho Y. M. C.
Association will give a friendly enter
tainment with soft gloves, on Tuesday
evening, to which all are invited.
Brother John Sullivan, the
eminent
Boston revivalist, will lead the
exercises, assisted bv brother
$1.50 PER ANNUM.
Slade, the Maori missionary ..oui
Australia. There will be no slug
g ne-, but a collection will be taken up
at the i'.n ir t ) defray expenses.' Well,
I thought the people in church would
sink through the tloor. There was not
a p rson iii the church, except the poor
old deacon, but what un h rstoo l that
some wleked wretch had deceived him.
and I know by the wav the tenor
ickled the soprano, that he did it. I
mav be mean, but everything I do 13
nnocent and I wouldn't be ns mean
. . f .. a 1 ..11 T
as a etioir singir lor iwo uonars.
felt real sorry for the old deacon, but
he never knew what he had done, and
think it would be real mean to tell
inn. lie won c ue ai ine suigguiK
latch. That remark about taking up
collection g-tthd the deacon. I
must go down to the stable now and
icip grease a nacK, s'i yon win nave m
excuse me. it pa comes nere loosing
or me, tell him you heard I was going
to drive a picnic party out to AV au-
kesha. and may not be oacK in a ween.
By that time pa will get over that
Bohemian serenade, and ine uoy miea
his pist d pocket with dried apples and
went out and hung a sign in ironi 01
the irrocerv. "Strawberries two shillin
a smell, and one smell is enuff." Q.
W. Peck.
The Law of Mistakes.
The source of almost every lawsuit
is to be found in mistakes. These are
of two kinds mistakes of fact .and
mistakes of law.' Experience has
prfived that the ablest men sometimes
make blunders, and the law has de
cided that a real mistake of fact in an
important part of a contract will ex
cuse the party mistaken from per
forming his part of the agrt enient.
Eor instance : A man ma :e a con
tract with one ice company and refused
to deal with another. When the bill
was presented he found that the latter
company had supplied his ice. He re
fused to pay the bill, and it was de
cided that the mistake freed him from
liability.
A horse was sold oy a irauer ami
paid for on the spot. While the trade
was going on tne norse aieu. xne
buver brought Buit for the money paid,
and it wa9 decided it should be paid
back, since both parties had made a
mistake of fact in supposing the
horse to be alive when the trade was
ended. -
If a farmer intending to sell hay
sell3 oats bv mistake insteal, he may
refuse to deliver the oats on that
ground. It sometimes happens that a
bill is paid bv mistake with counter
feit bank notes. In such a case the
payment is void and the receipt taken
is worthless.
A mistake in the quality of the
thing bargained for is no ground foi
breaking an agreement. If a man
buvs a cheap thing, with the idea
that it will serve his purpose as well
as a more exptnsive article, he cannot,
because he was mistaken, send it t acK
and recover the money paid.
"A mistake of lawi no ground for
ret'nsin'r to earrv out a contract. This
rule is founded on the old maxim, "Ig
norance of the law doth not excuse.'
And everv man is supposed to know
the law of the land he lives in.
Surmoso a debtor gives his note,
promising to pay a sum of money with
lawful interest, thinking that the legal
rate is seven per cent. If ten per cent,
is the legal interest, his ignorance of
the fact will not excuse him from pay
ing the ten per cent.
When well known legal words are
used in a contract, with a mistaken
idea of their legal meaning, they are
binding, in their legal sense, upon the
person using them.
If land is deeded to a man and to
his heirs, he receives the estate abso
lutely, although both parties intended
that 'he should only have the estate
during his own life.
Some mistakes of law put an end to
agreements on the ground that they
are rather mistakes of fact than of
law. An executor of a will pays
money to a person whom he thinks is
an heir. If the suppos-d heir be an
imposture, the money can be recov
ered. If, under a complicated will, a
person buys rights which are his al
ready, he, may get back what he paid
for them.
Mistakes of law in civil cases only
cost money; but mistakes of the crim
inal law have more herlous effects, in
the loss of respectability and reputa
tion. Here the plea of ignorance of
the law will not be accepted. A crim
inal must suffer the penalty of his
deed, though he thought it lawful
when he committed it.
Formerly an outlaw might bo slain
by anybody; but if a private person
should now kill an outlaw, with an
idea that he hail a right to do so, it
would be punishable as murder.
Youth's Companion.
FJepliuut's Milk.
Tlie composition of elephant's milk,
according to the analysis of Dr. Quea
neville, in the Monitnr Srlfntiji'iuf,
is similar to that of cream, but its
consistency is different. Its odor and
tast'i are very agreeable, and the taste
is superior t that of most other kinds
of milk. It is about equal to cow's
milk in quality. In view of these
facts, La Xittiur, of Paris, does not
despair of seeing the day when an ad
venturous speculator shall bring 1.
troio of elephants to be driven through
I the streets of the city as goats aie now
driven, to furnish ach customer with
his cup of milk diie t from the tmt,
n,, Oj.m. nn. innh. one insertion, . . tl Cv
One Square, one inch, one month J
( )ne Square, one inch, three montiis. . . IW
One Square, one jncIi,one year j u
Two Squares, one year IS H
Qunrtnr Column, one yer 9
tl.ilf Column, one year WW
( )ue Column, one year 10
Itt"l notices at established rates.
Marriage and death notices gratis.
All bills for yearly aUTercisemoms oouomeu
quarterly. Temporary advertisement! moat
be paid in advance.
Job work, cash on delivery.
A PERSIAN SERBNADE.
Hark I as the twilight pale
Tenderly glows,
Hark ! how the nightingale
Wakes from repose 1
Only when, sparkling high,
8targ fill the darkling aky,
Unto the nightingale
Listens the rose.
Here where the fountain tide
Murmuring flows,
Airs from the mountain side
Fan thy repose.
EyeB of thine glistening,
Look on me, listening ;
I am thy nightingale,
Thou art my rose.
Sweeter the drain he weaves,
Fainter it flows
Now, ai hr balmy leavee
Blushingly close. y "' '" .
Better than minstrelsy, . ' '
Lips that meet kissingly
Silence thy nightingale
Kiss me, my roue !
-Bayard Taylor (hitherto unpublished).
HUMOR OF THE DAT.
A plucky job Dressing fowls,
The gossip is like a bicycle; in that
she is exceedingly liable to run a persta
down.
Now is the time to lend your skates
to your poor neighbor. It will show
your generosity.
The New Orleans Picayune, raises
the question whether a goat can be
relied upon in court aa an evidence in
rebuttal.
The most difficult arithmetic that a
man has to face is when he trios to re
t oncile a 20 salary with a $30 wife.
-Puck.
Let every man add a good name to
his other capital," quoted the forger
w hen he fixed up a ten-thousand-dollar
check. Drummer. : '
Women do not marry for love, or
money, or dry goods. They marry in
hope that they may have spring house-
cleaning to do. Courier-Journal.
Doctors are generous men. Who
ever knew of a doctor rushing out to :
chase away boys who were taking
fruit from his trees ?r-Somervill
Journal.
To throw a stone at a neighbor's
chickens, and have it tly through plate
glass windows, entitles a man to the
credit of being a crack shot Waterloo
Otierter.
. We often hear the expression that
" the fire has gone out." And it is
said that in some of our large places
you can actually see the tire escape.
Marathon Indtpendent. '
" A little too much repose about the
mouth for it to be natural," was the
remark of a husband to a West End
photographer who had taken his wife's
photograph. Boston Pout.
A little boy astonished his compan
ions the other day by telling them
that he had "a spanking team at
his house." An excited crowd of boys
had wtdked nearly home with him,
when one of them asked: " AVhat d'ye
call 'em?" "Pa and ma," was the re
ply. llawkeye.
Tlie hair of a girl employed in an
Eastern cotton mill was caught in the
machinery, torn off her head and
ground into bits. But the girl didn't
mind it much. She kept right on at
her work, simply remarking that it
only cost her $1, anyhow. This is one
of the advantages of art over nature.
And now the small boy unravels the
ancient stocking to secure yarn with
which to make a baseball. And when
lie has the ball made, he cuts the leg
oil one of his father's boots to make a
cover of; and when . the parent dis
covers the liberty taken with his boot,
the small boy wishes he had used it aa
lining for his trousers. Puck.
A "fashion" item says: "Theloz-
. tt t- - ; i.i
engo snape is tne most iasnionaoie
or pills, wuicn snouia ue coated witn
silver, and look very inviting." This
mpears to be a new departure m fash
ion intelligence, ami next it will be in
order to 'describe whether the new
shape in pioious jdasters is octagon or
oblong, and ir tliey are trimmed witn
gimp braid or guipure lace; and we
may be told that the most fashionable
tints in castor oil are terra cotta and
fawn color; and that liver-pads are cut
in the form of a heart, with scalloped
?dges, and lined with ciel blue satin.
Norristown Herald.
There's YVherd He Had Her.
" Two hundred dollars for making a
plain dress?" he yelled, as he saw the
bill "I'll never pay it I"
" You have been very stingy with
me for the last year," she replied.
" You are extravagant !"
"No more than you are !"
"I'll n.ver pay this bill!"
" You must !"
" Never I
"Then I'll pawn my diamonds and
pay it mvself !"
"Ha!'''
" Yes, ha 1"
llegoe out chuckling. He knows
ner to be a woman of her word, and
do is wondering how she Will feel as
the pawnbroker politely hands them
itack, with the observation:
We never advance money on the
past - article !" Wull St;it News.
There are 418,'.o7 railroad employes
in the t'nited States, and they mru
timuallv about j(M.).liMi,(Ht.