13 PVJiUfln&D EVEnY WEDNESDAY, BT
W. Tt. DUNN.
orrwB in noTOuwiH bonkee's buTLDeto,
ELM BTBEET, TIOHEBTA, Pi.
TKRMS, 2.00 A YEAH,
S bnj-lptlon received for a horter
lrbl than threo month.
Correspondence solicited from all part
t M oonntry. No notice will be tnkou of
aaiwoyroou communications.
W. !.... -----
BUSINESS DIRECTORY.
TIONESTA LODGE
mK5tTfl tvnrv Frldav evenlnir. at 8
il o'clock, In the Hall formorly oucupiod
fry the Olood. Templars.
7 S. II. HASLET, N. O.
1. T. DALE, Soc'y. 27-tf.
Samuel D. Irwin,
ATTORNEY, COUNSELLOR AT LA W
and Htt.VL ESTATE AUENT. Lenal
BiuM promptly attended to. Tlone-ita,
i-a.
m. kiwtok rrri. mil w. tat.
H1TTI1 A TATK,
ATTORNEYS AT LAW,
-, ro-vr.sTM.iM
W. W. If MP,
Qeergt i. JV,
SrMk.J, r.
Mason. A Jenks,
ATTOnXRY AT I. AW. office on Kim
Street, above Walnut, Tioneita, Pa.
T. W.Hays,
ATTOUHKT AT LAW, and Not A nv
TvmiAC, Reynold Hnkill A Co.'
y .k, gnoa St., oil City, Pa. S-ly
T. irPiiK.
. B. SUU.RT.
KIXXEA X SMILE Y,
iwrniri at Law, - - Traiiklln, Pa.
I5HACT1CE In Ui ererl Court of V
uiro, Crawford, Forest, and a.ltoln
ta( e,anlie. S'J-ly.
.A anil, B. B. FAMITT,
HARRIS &-FJSSETT,
Mtncya at Tltuavlll Penn'a.
PACTICK In all th ConrU of Worren,
Csawfcrd, Fornt and VenaiiRO Coun-
rHTSICIAXS svnaEoss,
1. WII1I8, V. 9., ana 3. E. ELUIE, M. D.
ar.vlav ntr(l Into a eo-pnrtnsr-hfT, all
Milt, liiiht or dar, will reewive imm(ii'4te
attsation. Ofllce at resi(Jinc of Dr. I-
Klia St., Tloneata, Pa. .lO ly
J. H. Heivly,
QRfJEON DENTIST. In Hc-honbm'
J Biiildini;, betwe.-n Centre and Syia-
unr StA.. Oil Citv. Pa.
All operation dune In a careful manner
nd warranted. Chloroform and ether ad
ministered when required lr tho case will
r.imlt. 15-l.V
Clarles B. Afart,
DHKTIBT, Centre Street, OH City, Pa.
laMraoaa' Itlock.'
Lawrervca House,
'IAIONF.STA. PA.. O. O. RUTTER
1 FIELD. Pbopbiktoti. This liousn
U entrallv located. Kvervthlntr new and
w!l furniyhed Superior a-jooiuraoda-
tiona and atrict attention clven to Kiiest
Vretablos and FrulLs of all kinds served
1nll!lr aa;ion. oampio room ior torn
mareial Agents.
Tlonetta House.
ITT EL, Proprietor, Elm St. Tio
. . . . . . . i r .1. 1,
M
. ? A neuia, i a., ai tow uiuutu 'u '
Mr. Iltl hai thoroinridy renov.tled the
llonesta House, and re-furnished l ram
jl.telv. All wh) natrnnUe him will be
wall entertained at reasonable rates. 20 ly
FOREST HOUSE,
DrtLACK PROPRIETOR. Opposite
Court House, Tloneata, Pa. Just
pened. Everything new and olean ami
froh. Th best el' liquor kept constantly
n band. A portion ot tne puonc patron
a 1 respectfully solicited. 4-17-1 v
National Hotel,
'PIDIOUTE, PA., BenJ. Elliott, proprle
X tor. Thi house has been newly ftirn
luhedandi kept in irood style, fluests
will be made oomfortablo here at re.tson v
LI rate. 9 ly,
Scott House,
PiOrXDUS. PA.. V.. A. Roberts, Pro
t nrietor. This ho'el Iris been re 'ently
r-farnished and now oilers superior
itnodations to kuc'. s-iy.
Dr. J. L. Ar.om.b,
PHYSICIAN AND RU l!fi EON, who lms
I had nn.en years' experience in i larjre
aad successful nnu'llco, will attend ail
Profesaional Calls. OSico iu his Drug and
4Jroery fctor. located in lidioute, near
riiieute House.
IN II 18 STORK WILL HE FOUND
A full assortment of Medicines, Liquor
Tobaeeo. Cisjara, Stationery, tilass. Paints,
0:ls, Cutlery, all of the tieal quality, anc
will be sold at rousonaluo I'alos.
DR. CHAS. O. DAY, an experienced
f hvslelau and Druslst Irom New iork
ha ohara of tho Store. All prescriptions
vat up accurately.
a a. ir. jo. r. rix. a. kii.lt.
MA Y, PARK A CO.,
"oraer of Elm it Walnut Sta. Tlonoata.
Bank of Discount and Der.oiiit.
f alr8t allowed on Time Deposltti,
follMtioairaadeon all tho Principal points
of the U. S,
Colleotlon solicited. 18-ly
S A- IULS, fr..t- I T. KALI, OM.r.
SAVINGS BANK,
Tiouesta, Foregt Co., Pa.
Thl Bank transact a Oeneral nankin;?,
t olloetiug aud Exchano ltusiness.
Drafts on the Principal Cities of the
I'niUnl States and Europe bought and sold.
tjold and Silver Coin and Government
(-eeuiities bought and sold. 7-M bonds
C'livc.tcd on tue most favorable term.
Interest allowed on time tleptsit.
rei. I, Uf.
VOL. VI. NO. 28.
J. B. LONG,
aANUFACTURER of and Dealer la
HARNESS, 3ADDLES, WHIPS, ROBES,
CURRY CO.MP.S, BRUSHUS,
HORSE CLOTH1NO,
and everything In the lino. In Bonner
Aauow's'Block, adjoining Drug Store. 7
Frank Itobklns,
PHOTOOItAPIIER,
(HUOOKSSOK TO PI'MINO.)
Plcturos in every atyloof the art. View
of the oil rcglous lor salo or taken to or
der. CENTRE STREET, noar U, R. eroding.
SYCAMORE STREET, near Union Do-
pot, Oil City, Pa. 20-tf
THE BOOT & SHOE STORE
OUT TIZDIOTTTIE 1
1T 15. STEVENS. Proprietor. Partlea
ll in want of FINK Boms and Shoes will
alw ays find a good assortment at Steven'
w nen yon fwijanw r rnni i loausia
and you will bo liberally dealt with.
G-Om . N. K. HTliVKNS.
NEW BILLIARD ROOMS!
DJOIN'INn the Tionesta House, at th
I month of Tionesta Creek. 1 he table
and room ure now, and everything kept In
order. To lovers or the .rume a cordial
invitation is extended to come and play
in urn new ruuiu. i.
.1 Kl T'f'I'l.'I I....'..
QONFECTIONARIEg
AdXEW, at tho Tost Office, ha
J. opened out a choice lot of
GROCERIES,
CONfECriONARIKS,
CASXLD FRUITS,
7 0BACC0S,
CIGARS, AXD
NOTIONS OF ALL KINDS.
A portion of tho patronage of tho publi
Is rosspootiuliy nolicitod.
GROCERY m PROVISION STORE
.V TIONESTA.
GEO. W.B0VARD&C0.
HAVE Jnt brought on a ooiuplate an
carelully selected stock of
FLOUR,
GROCERIES,
TROVISIOIfS,
and everylhinn necessary to the eomplet
s'.neic ola tii-si-eiassnroeery nouse, wnicn
thev have opened out at their eslamiso
nteht on Elm St., first door north of M. b.
Church.
TEAS,
COFFEES.
SUGARS,
SYRUPS.
FRUITS,
SPICES.
HAMS, LARD,
a xn rno rmioxs of all ktnds.
at the lowest cah prices. Ooods warrant
ed to be or the bet quality, call ana ex
amine, and w believe wean suit you.
UKU, V . liv) V Al.u at tv.
Jan. a, '72.
RUBBER GOODS,
RUBBER GOODS,
RUBBER GOODS,
RUBBER GOODS,
AT
II. . TlXItlUt fc CO.'S
CENTRE STREET, OIL CITY, PA,
We have an Immense-assortment of the
above irood iu every style and quality
imaginable, as for instance :
H Inch Two ply Reltlng.
2 inch Two-plv Heltinir.
21 inch Two-ply Bolting.
2 Inch Three-ply Rnltint;.
2) inch Three-ply Heltiui;.
8 Inch Thiee-piv llultm.
. 3! Inch Threo-ply Helling.
4 inch Three-ply lloltmir.
A inch Three-ply bolting,
0 Inch Three-ply HHting,
7 inch Threo-ply Hotting.
8 Inch Fonr-ply Reltintr.
9 Inch Four-ply Melting.
10 Inch Four-ply HoltiiiK
12 inrh Four ply Bel ing-
FIVE-PLY AND ENDLESS BELTS
TO ORDER ON SHORT NOTICE.
Wo caientee satisfaction In every in
stance. We are headquarter for th
above goods.
H. G. TINKER & CO.
Qrnn T1CC' We have just issued
kJ x itil i k;k waltzes in t wo vol
uiucs, price fi each in boards, S each in
cloth. The two volumes contain over forty
beautiful Waltzes, worth at least in
a!ffiffl;FAV01UTEotlDh
dealers bo nuriicular to ask lor PtTKKS
KunitiN or Stbauts' Waltiks, as Hi
the only correct and eomidcle edition. Ad
dross J.L.PJ"i Elt;S7- T rn lo
Musio Publisher, V SXXJ X Jl-kJ.
Vj Bi'Oa'Iwsy, Niw York.
y'oy. 12.
at
Jy My Ky.
TIONESTA, PA.,
A COW TILI.IO.N.
Fred. Lander, a popular restaurant-
er in Krio, is the hero of the following
hiatoricul sketch, which is embraced in
these two items from tho JJupateh ol
that city.
Item iso. 1 :
Fred Lander found three cows
yes
can and
terday afternoon. The property
be hud by calling upon him
paying charges.
Item No. I.
The local in yesterday's paper about
Fred Lander's tinding linen cows, ore
ated a little conl'usiou with one of the
I. E. conductors, whom we will call
Brown, llo got home Friday morn
ing very early and retired. He hud
uot been asleep but a short time when
his better half awoke him nud told
htm tlicir cow liau been gone since
Wednesday night, and could uot be
found. "Yes," said he, and turned
over in bed for another snooze. She
shook him again and told nim the
same story over again, and said that
there woce three cows advertised By
Fred Lander. He then cot up aud
looked at the Dispatch, then he ex
claimed ; "Any mua that'd shut up a
cow for two tlavs before he advertise!
them, is too mean to live, and is dirty.
low. &c, you know the rest, lie ate
his brealtfuot aud called for a boiled
shirt, ami cussed Fie J Lauder and the
cow: then he swore because there was
so much starch ia the shirt, especially
the sleeves; then lie cussed again and
said Fred Lauder would know him
very well inside ot an Hour. 11
would introduce himself. Calling his
bov to him and said he wanted him to
go'along so ris to bring the cow home.
His wiiu then gave him $4.00 to pay
the charges. He started out ou the
corner of Eleventh and Parade and
met his friend buulh. who asked nun
what was the matter. Brown said that
"anv tuau who willjshut up cows for
two'days before he advertises tbein
too mean." &c. By this time he was
getting warm, aud took off his hat,
mopped his lace witti his coat sleeve,
He linally got to Fred's, after stopping
three-limes more and telling his friends
the lingo about "any niau," &c, Fred
wai in and the following couvcrsatiou
took placo :
"Your name is Lander, I believe
"You can bet two to one on that
"You advertise three cows that you
found."
"Yes. sir I found three cows."
"Well," sid Brown, "auy man that
would shut up cows two ilays. &c
Fred told him not to get excited
but to eomo out aud pick out his prop
erty, as they were Iceding. K rea took
Brown out anil tdiowed him n small
piece of class about two inches square,
Willi a picture ou it ot tiireecowsBraz
mg. Brown s under jaw uroppeti, auti
his eves were about the size oi tw
saucers. At length ne got ins oieain
ard said. "Sold." His little boy com
menced to laiiuli ; he told htm to shut
up or he would fix him ; that he ought
to be ashamed to luuli when lus lutu
er was talkimr. Ho gave the boy lor
tv cents to buy a watermelon, and
Kent him home with balance of the
84.00. theu commenced to pay the
charges.
It was at the second battle of Bull
Run that a cannon ball carried off a
poor soldier's leg.
' Carry mo to the rear I lie cried to
tall Yankee companion, who had
been fighting by bis side.
lhe Xaukee caught the wounded
soldier up, and as he was about to put
him across his shoulders auother cau-
nou ball carried away tho poor fellow's
head. The Yankee, however, in the
confusion, did not notice this, but pro
ceeded with his burden to the rear.
What are you carrying thai thing
for?" cried aq officer.
"Thing !" returned the Yankee.
"It's a man with his leg shot oil"."
"Why, he hasu'l any head!" cried
the officer.
The Yankee looked at his load, and
for the first litno saw that what the
officer suid was true. Throwing down
the body, he thundered out:
' Confound huu he told me it was
his leg 1"
"Sam," said a darkey to his ebouy
brother, "how am it tlat ilia yaa tele
praf carries do uews froo dem wires?"
"Will. Cavar, now you s'pute dur am
a big dog free miles long." "Neber
was bich big dogs; don't b'lieb dat?"
"You jess wuit a minit; l'se ouly
illustratin', you stupid nigger. Now,
did yaa dog you sec, jess puts his front
ieets on de Hobokeu sho , an
he puts
his behind
feels on de
New York
sho . " x easa.
" "V.Yl' B nr.to Villi U-M 1 If
oil dis vaa dou's tail in New York
"Yt-ssa." "He'll bark, wou't he?"
"Yessa." "Now whar will dat dog
bark?" !'Iu Hobokeu, I calc'late."
"Datum jess it! You walk on dat
dog's tail in New Y'rk, au' he bark
in Hobokeu ; an' ddt'u do way de tele
graf works!" "Yessa'j dasso dasso!
You'bO right, by golley."
OCTOBER 15. 1873.
TUB DAMBDIIY HAT IN VERMONT.
We are convinced now beyond any
further doubts, that the science of per
sonal fraud is rapidly gaining ground
iu America. Concrete, general and iu
detail, fraud gains ground fearfully.
e phnuld not dare to assert that The
Danbury News Mao is a fraud every
body knows that he isn't. Ue is phun
ny but not phraudulent ; witty hut not
wicked : and we don t suppose he is at
all responsible for the mercantile in
iquity ot soino hat manufacturer s use
of bis name as an advertising dodge i and a familiar bow should bo renicm
to sell "The Danbury News Man's i bered by gentlemen who wish to make
Hat." Notwithstanding which a very
curious fraud was thereby perpetrated,
during the Vermont State Fair at
Rutland, last week. A rcau ot fin,
whoso wardrobe lacked a hut to relieve
him from looking as seedy us editors
are usually expected to look, had been
trying to "lilt a hut from the Bark
well House rack, but owing to the care-
lulness of Air. Crampton and Ins
watchful attendants he got no chaDco
to gobble one. But he watched the
opportunity, and followed to the aide-
walk a lashiotiably-drcssed individual
who had just come out from dinner,
gcttiug to the cars to leave Rutland.
He said to him with fearful indigna
tion, "Sir, you have made a serious
mistake, aud deprive nie r.t the only
hat I have a right to claim this side of
Danbury." "lour hat I Oh! JNo!
I bought this hat to (lav, sir; only an
hour ago, sir, up the street, here."
"No doubt of your honest mistake,
sir; I don't think you would iuten
ally steal my hat; nevertheless, sir,
you nave stolen it. loull hud my
name printed in it. I m an editoi,s:r,
and good hats are scarce with us, ns
vou nrobablv know. I am tho .'Dan
bury News Man,' sir; look and see if
my name is in that hut. Ihe aston
leheil ccutleman. who had paid more
attention to the. style of his hat thau
to its name, when he hail purchased it,
nervously uncovered, conhdentlv look
ed into it, and there found the epitaph
"lhe Danbury News Mans Hat.
W ith an humble apology no surreo
dered his hat to Mr. Bailey's counter
feit. and received the battered substi
tute so indignantly oU'cred him. A
speedy return to the hotel added to
tho confused embarrassment of the
gentleman who found there no proper
ty ho could rightfully claim, "lie s a
cussed fraud 1" was all the remark we
heard as the stronger with his seedv
hat hurried tuwards the cuts again
We did not suppose he meant the
Danbury News Man was a fraud. lie
referred to the other individual, whom
we afterwards saw standing in a wag
on ou th3 Fai. Grounds, putting gen
uine one, two and live dollar bills into
little pink lined boxes, all id' whicli
he sold for tit'ly cents each, and as he
was tloitig a thriving business he fre
quently uud very genteely tipped a
nobby new hat to his fervent custom
ers, of whom ho was robbing stamps
by his gambling tricks. Bennington
Banner.
A better picture of poor human na
ture was never written even by
Charles Dickens then this little bit
of wholesome and instructive fun from
the Daubury News:
"An aged couple on Wooster street
are very fond of checkers, and play
quite frequently. When he beats at
the game, she loses her temper, and
declares she will not play agaiu. It
vexes him to see her act so, but he
controls the irritation and talks to her
about it. He tells her how wrong it
is for people at their nge in life to be
disturbed by such trifles, and ehnws
her so clearly the folly of such a course
that she becomes ashamed of her
weakness, and returns to tho game,
and plays i', so well that she beats him.
Theu ho throws the checkers in one
direction, and kicks the board iu an
other, aud says he will not play with
anybody who cheats so allfiredly, and
stalks moodily to bed, and leaves her
tu pick up the thinks."
A man in Albany county, New
York, kicked auother man and was
arrested for so doing. And when
brought beforo a justice of tho peace,
he informed ids honor that the man he
had kicked was u lightning rod man.
The justice at once discharged him,
with th iviinuk: ''The man who
wouldn't kick a lightning rod mail
wherever he finds one, is unfit to en
joy tho liberties for which Washington
- .... ... .1,
lought and Ihomas l ame wrote.
That justice had paid 8500 for light
n i tig rods on his house lust spring.
Father Boyle, of Washington, has
doubtless a well-developed bump of
humor. Of him it is reported that on
one occasion, atl-lrvn.iinj a school ou
the subject of Easier celebrations, a
young miss asked luui : "Father Boyle,
what is the origin of Easter eggo?"
"A hen, uo doubt, miss," replied the
Father, quietly.
Two pairs of stairsjiro ueccssary to
every newspaper office in North Caro
lina one lor tho editor to go down as
the caller ccmcs up the other.
$2 PER ANNUM.
THE ETK1CETTE OF BOWINO.
An exchange says: This is so sim
ple that one would suppose it scarcely
possible that difference of opinion
could exist, and yet there are some
who think it a breach of politeness if
one neglects to bow, although meeting
half a dozen times on a promenade or
in driving. Custom has made it ne
cessary to bow only the first time in
passing; after that exchange of salu
tations is very properly uot expected.
Iho ditlerence between
a courteous
a favorable impression. A lady dis
likes to receive irom a man with whom
she has but n alight acquaintance a
how, accompanied by a broad smile,
as though he were on the most ftimil
ar terms with her. It is far better to
err on the other side and give oue of
those stitT, ungracious bows which
some men indulge iu. Those gentle
men who smile with their eyes lustead
of their mouths, give the must charm
ing bows. As ior men who bow char
mingly at one time aud with excessive
hauteur at otheis, according as they
feel iu a good or bad humor, they need
never be surprised if tho person thus
treated shouli cease speaking altogeth
er. A man should always lift his hat
to a lady.
A Nashville mail was awakened tho
other night by a pain in his stomach,
and thinking cholera was at hand, he
clutched for a bottle of camphor which
he kept on the table, ready tor instant
use, aud commenced to apply it with
vigorous rubbing to his abdomen. He
experienced immediate relief, but was
considerably surprised at not perceiv
ing the strong scent of camphor, cms
pectiug that he might have made a
mistake, ho lighted the gas and niado
an inspection, which resulted in the
discovery that instead of camphor ho
had used a bottle ot ink.
A subscriber wroto to the editor of
a I'ewtirk paper to ask the meaning of
tho phrase Mors omnibus communis.
The editor said it was a French sen
tence, intended to explain something
about Morse's omnibus being of ser
vice to tho community. At the same
time, he said the sentence was evident
ly constructed by some idiot, who
thought he understood French, when
he didn't, and consequently several
important words were left out.
The Courier Journal furnishes the
follow "answers to correspondents
A youthful corref poden t desires to
kuow how we would like to sail with
Professor Wise in his balloon voyage
to Europe. If you will go, my dear
boy, and climb the least of the niauy
piles of twenty dollar gold pieces that
would he required to hire us to under
take such a voyage, you will find that
its summit is 'wrapped in perpetuul
snow.
A gentleman addicted to scientific
inquiry, has discovered that thirty
three days complete the cycle of the
pidato bug generation; that 700 of
the critters are the average produce
of the female, from which the lamily
grows in the secoud generation to zbo,
000 and in the third to 85,000,000.
here are not cy pliers enough in any
existing type foundry to express the
number iu tho tenth generation.
That chap of 138 years, who slew
his 19 acres of grass before breakfast
just because of a slight "ounplcasunt
ness which happened between linn
and his grandfather, may yet have to
forfeit hu laurels, as they have in Kit
tery a youngster of 89 summers who
walks around his two hired bauds with
comparative ease. Fifty years more
of continued practice will tell the
story.
A conductor on tho Fort street route
was passing through the crowded car,
tesienlay morning, when he picked up
a fifty cent slnuplaster. Holding
tip, he u.-Ued who had lost it, when
fourteen bauds went up and fourteen
persons called out, "I did." The con
doctor put the money in his pocket.
IJctnot i reo 1 ress.
"What would you give," asked
conceited young mau, of a venerable
irentlemaii, silting opposite him nt thu
table, "to be as young and sprightly
us 1 urn f 1 he old gentleman relied
ed a moineut, and then solemnly said
"1 doul t kuow but what 1 would ul
most be willing to be as foolish us you
are.
A John Bull, conversing- with an
Indian asked him if he knew the sun
never sets in the Queen's dominions
".No, said the Indian. IJo you
know the reason why? inked John
"Because (Jod is afraid to trust
Fjiiglitjhmau iu the duik,"wus tho sav
age's reply,
However strong a man's resolution
may be, it costs him something to car
ry it out, now and then. We may do
tcriniiio not to gather any cherries,
and keep our hands sturdily in our
pockets, but we can't prevent our
mouths from watering.
Rates of Advertising.
One Squared Inch,) ono Inertlon (IM
Ono Square " ono month - - 3 O-i
One Square " three inontlis 8 OV
OnoNquaro " ono year 10 o
Two Squares, ono year - - - 15 00
Quarter Col. ' - . . 30 00
Half " " - - - , 50 UO
One " " - - - - 100 tJ
Local not lees at established rated.
Marriairo and death notices, gratis.
All bills for yearly advertisumeuta 'col
lected quarterly. Temporary advertise
ments must be paid for in advance
Job work, Cash on Delivery.
I'NM'tKV DAVIS OF MATRIMONY.
We may possibly bo doing a service
to somo of our readers by informing
them (on the authority of a manu
script of tho fifteenth century quoted
in the "Book ot Days. ) that (hero
are just thirty-two days in the year
upon which it is unadvisuble to join
hands, namely : Seven in January,
tin ee each in February, March and
December, two each in April, Juno.
July, August, September aud Novem
ber, aud ono in October, so that Jan
uary is the worst and October the best
month for committing matrimony, tho
actual unlucky days being theso : Jan-
nary 1, 2, 4, b, 10, 15; February b, 8,
18 ; March 1, C, 8 ; April C, 11 ; May
5. 6,7; June 7, 14; July 5, 10; Au
gust 12, 17 ; September G, 17; Octo
ber 0 ; November lo, lb, 17. As to
which is tho best days of tho week,
why
Monday for wealth ;
Tuesday for health I
Wednesday- th best of all i
Thu rsday for crosxoa ;
Friday lor losses ;
Baturday no luck at all.
To make a tall man short Try to
borrow five dollars of him.
Thero is nothing so effective in
bringing a man up to the scratch as a
healthy, high-spirited flea.
It was Voltaire who Bftid : "Ideas
aro like beard; men only get them
when they are grown up, and women
never have auy."
"C-c-c-can that p-p-p-parrot talk ?"
asked a stuttering man of a German.
Veu he don t talk so petter as you, 1
schop, by tarn, his head off."
A New Jersey Justice said that the
word "testimony" had an V in it, and
the lawyer who disputed him was filled
810 for contempt of court.
A western city thinks that it is be
coming a great intellectual center be
cause one citizen !3 recently arrested
for stealing two encyclopedias.
"Yer can't stuff that cro down this
chicken," from a young lady in Indi
ana, meant that she did not credit her
teacher's statement that the sun ia
larger than the earth.
Scene in court: Judge "Have you
anything to offer to the court beforo
sentence is passed on you?" Prisoner
No, Judge; I had ten dollars, but
my lawyer took that."
Yhen a feller makes his arm around
his gal, und she was liken dot pooty
veil, dhen dot was bhkribture, ou
ukound it was maken habbiness coma
ou some waist blaces, don't it?"
The new laws of Nebraska imposo
fines for "profane sweat ing done by
any person of the age of fourteen
years und upward." Children uuder
fourteen may swear gratuitously as be.
foro.
A Judge at Montgomery, Ala., re
ceutly interrupted a very flowery
young orator with "Hold on, hold
on, 'my dear sir 1 Don't go any higher I
You are already out of the jurisdic
tion of this court;
Here is the latest discriptiou of a
kiss; "'Twas night. A real warm
couple stood iu the pule, cold moon
beams. Iheir lips touched, and there
was a sound like a cow hauling her
hoof out of the mud."
lie is a true philanthropist who
kicks into the cutter the banana skius
and orange peels ho finds on the side
walk. But he is a truer philanthro
pist who also kicks into the gutter the
wretch that threw them there.
The near-sighted l.eu that ate saw
dust, supposing it to bo corniueal.theu
went and luid a nest full of bureau
knobs, sat on them three weeks aud
hutched out u complete set of parlor
furniture, was a pretty fair hen.
A German Jew was eating a pork
chop in a thunder storm. On hearing
au unusually loud clap, ho laid down
his kuife and fork, and observed :
"Veil, did any poty efer hear such a
fubs upout a leedle becce of bork?'
An American gives this report of
his Loudon travels: "I asked the dis
tance. 'Well,' said my informant, 'it
aiu't very fur. It's about five drinks
and a segar off if you walk, or two
drinks it you ride.' That's a way they
have of measuring distances iu Lon
don." A new veisiou of "Old Uncle Ned"
has become popular in the suburbs. It
runs something as follows: "Theu
pull up the wicket and the stake, aud
put by the cuillet aud ball; for uo
mure croquet u ue piayen mis year,
this
it
i getting too late iu the fall."
A few mornings ago.suys a Kentucky
rural paper, we meekly approached an
emigrant wagon and inquired of its
austere proprietor, "Whiilni bound?"
My lord removed his quid to tho lar
board siJo of his mouth und coolv re
marked : "Nono of your d d busi-
I ne. Aud it wusii t cither.